Posted tagged ‘Romney jokes’
March 3, 2016
Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.
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South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.
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Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”
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John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being. Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign: A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”
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So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. #coincidence?
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Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..
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Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?
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Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?
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An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.
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Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”
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Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? #ratings #whatsyourdeal?
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LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?
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Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?
Has someone told the #Thunder that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? #Warriors #NBA
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt jokes, Romney jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 15, 2015
Rex Ryan, in his introductory press conference as coach of the Buffalo Bills, told fans “it’s been 15 years” since the playoffs. “Well, get ready. We’re going.” So does Rex have a special contact to help with tickets?
Less than enthusiastic reaction for a potential third run: “If Mitt Romney is the answer, what is the question? And “Romney is a man of admirable personal character, but his political profile is, well, protean.” This from an editorial in that wacky leftist publication, the Wall Street Journal.
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Actor Jeff Goldblum, 62, will become a first-time dad, as his wife, Emilie Livingston, 31, is pregnant. These things do make some sense, the baby’s feedings should coincide nicely with Goldblum’s middle of the night bathroom runs.
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Why there is no satire. Ted Cruz has been named chair of the House Subcommittee on “Space, Science and Competitiveness.” Having Ted Cruz chair a Science committee is like having Bill Clinton chair a committee on Abstinence.
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Oregon’s #MarcusMariota has declared for the draft. Good news for #NFL teams, and for the rest of the #Pac12 .
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Ah, who says the San Antonio Spurs aren’t a wild and crazy bunch. Why, they visited the White House today, and Tim Duncan showed up WITHOUT A TIE.
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A South Carolina mother reported her son missing this week. She last saw him in June 1995 when he went “to follow the Grateful Dead.” Sounds like the son wasn’t the only “Dead Head” in the family.
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Rosie Perez is out as co-host of “The View.”. Wow, “The View” is still on?
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Two men have become the first in history to reach the top of El Capitan’s Dawn Wall without bolts or climbing tools. It took them over two weeks. A lot of men read this and think “Awesome.” And a lot of women think “Why?”
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The SF 49ers will apparently hire defensive line coach Jim Tomsula as their new coach, over a host of other candidates including defensive coordinator Vic Fangio, who has been Tomsula’s superior. Looks like the circus is coming to town early this year.
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So two questions on the 49ers hiring Jim Tomsula as head coach: How many years is the contract. And how many years into the contract will this new Jim coach until he and the team “decide to go in different directions?”
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So a new marijuana spray will be on sale in Colorado this week, that claims to help women have better sex. Well, maybe, or maybe the sex stays mediocre but women then eat enough chocolate that they don’t care.
Alternative Monday headline “Obama blows off Cybersecurity Summit preparation for expensive and disruptive selfie opportunity in Paris.” Which is of course what Fox News would have written had the President taken Air Force One and his massive security detail to France for the Unity march this weekend.
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From Marc Ragovin “Several NY TV stations are not showing the cover of the current issue of Charlie Hebdo, citing their policies of not airing material that some viewers might find offensive. And yet they continue to show Knicks’ games highlights.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Charlie Hebdo jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, Romney jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, tomsula jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 10, 2015
In an upcoming book, apparently Mike Huckabee rips Jay Z and Beyonce. When asked about the comments, Jay Z and Beyonce presumably responded “Who’s Mike Huckabee?”
Dear gawd. Darren Carrington, one of Oregon’s top wide receivers, has been suspended for the national championship because he allegedly failed a drug test. The week before the game. I’m sorry, Carrington didn’t fail a drug test, he passed a stupidity test.
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Apparently someone tried to shoplift at a Versace store in Los Angeles, when Jonathan Martin was nearby. The man was “larger than the security guard” but the 49ers’ OT punched him “five to eight times” until he went down. Nice change to see an NFL player make police blotter news for a good reason.
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The Wall Street Journal reported that Mitt Romney told a meeting of donors today that he is considering running for the White House again in 2016. So congrats to all those who had Jan 9 in the pool.
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A couple was arrested earlier this week for having sex on top of a used-car at a dealership. The car involved was a 2004 Kia Sedona. Just guessing that’s not what Kia had in mind with their slogan “The Power to Surprise.” (And you guessed it, Florida.) #stayclassy
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You can’t make this “stuff” up. Dartmouth has apparently suspended most of 64 students they had charged with cheating. In an ethics class.
Although to be completely accurate, it was a sports ethics class. So maybe the students WERE demonstrating sports ethics.
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Apparently during Bill Cosby’s first show back in Canada a woman got up and he asked where she was going. When she said for a drink, his response was “you have to be careful about drinking around me.” #hejustdoesntgetit
Three people were shot and critically wounded at a suburban Kansas City gun shop. If only the employees had been armed?
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With everything going on in France, the number #1 story trending on Facebook Friday am was the Bachelorette breakup. #GodblessAmerica #priorities
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The NY Times reports that the Justice Dept is recommending felony charges be filed against former CIA Director David Petraeus for disclosure of classified information to Paula Broadwell, his former mistress and biographer. Well, loose lips may not sink ships, but they sure can sink careers.
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Drew Brees has been named to the 2015 Pro Bowl. Should be fun for the New Orleans star, getting to throw without any defenders in his face. Sort of like the experience opposing QBs have had all year against the Saints.
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From T.C. “How cold will it be this weekend in Green Bay? It’s so cold that Jerry Jones and Chris Christie will be hugging each other to keep warm right from the National Anthem.“
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bill Cosby jokes, gun jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus jokes, playoff jokes, Romney jokes
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October 17, 2014
SF Giants chicks are back to digging the long ball.
Congrats to Travis Ishikawa. Most Americans had no clue who he was yesterday, and now he’s trending on Twitter.
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No Cain, no Pagan, no Scutaro. Effectively no Lincecum. And no Belt or Morse for much of the year. #cockroaches #sfgiants. #worldseries
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Somewhere Bob Brenly is smiling. #redemption #SFGiants #WorldSeries
But the lead column on Fox Sports tonight. “If you think Matheny deserves to be ripped, you’re right.” Because of course Joe Buck’s network couldn’t say the SF Giants actually might have deserved to win this one.
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Back in June heard SFGiants GM Brian Sabean say how Joe Panik wasn’t ready for the big leagues yet. Hard to imagine how good the kid might be when he IS ready.
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A new study finds that four areas of the San Andreas Fault in Northern California are now “overdue” for a significant quake. So why should Ebola have all the fear fun?
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Apparently Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to start his debate against Charlie Crist when Crist had a fan under the podium, because of a ban against electronic devices. ( Which was intended to keep them from using computers-laptops-phones….)
Got it. So Scott would have been okay with Crist waving a big paper fan while he talked?
How amazing was the #SFGiants win tonight to get to the #WorldSeries? They knocked the #NYJets latest loss right off #ESPN front page.
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Ann Romney said today she is still “done” with the idea of Mitt running again, but added “you know, you never do say never.” “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.
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A judge found Donald Trump “personally liable” for knowingly operating his former Trump University without a license. So the Donald is in trouble because HE didn’t have a valid certificate.
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Seems like many of the same people whose retirement plan is to win the lottery are also convinced they’re going to get Ebola.
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Both LeBron James and Dirk Nowitzski are saying the NBA season should be shortened from 82 games. Good thing they are stars, otherwise the two might be fined for making too much sense.
From T.C. “The NBA is considering shortening their games from 48 to 44 minutes. I’d go with 46, as it’s the last two minutes that take forever.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Ebola jokes, NBA jokes, NLCS jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes, World Series jokes
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March 24, 2014
Today was a rough Monday. All those folks who thought Warren Buffett was going to make them billionaires had to slink back into work.
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For anyone watching the Cardinal upset Sunday, my son found this line on SI.com “As expected, Kansas center Joel Embiid didn’t play against Stanford. A little more surprisingly, neither did Andrew Wiggins.” Ouch.
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Tiger Woods says he isn’t sure if he will be able to play at Augusta in two weeks. And if you thought that little boy at the Kansas-Stanford game was crying, wait until you see the Masters’ TV sponsors.
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Fortunately all the injuries were minor at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport when a commuter train derailed this morning. Although have to wonder, when most people heard “O’Hare’ and “train wreck” they probably assumed it was a metaphor for something with United Airlines.
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Mitt Romney in his new role as “Criticizer-in-chief” is saying what President “should have done from the very beginning was have the judgment to understand that Russia was not our friend.” Where was Mitt when W. “looked into” (Putin’s) eyes and saw his soul?
So what would Mitt Romney have done to scare Putin anyway? Drove around with a Russian Wolfhound on the roof of his car?
In the women’s NCAA tournament, DePaul upset #2 Duke 74-65 Monday night. Looks like the Blue Devil women picked a bad week to start playing like the men.
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Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper has installed beer taps in the Governor’s mansion. And visitors from out of state are thinking “beer schmeer, what about brownies?”
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Miami Marlins president David Sampson wants his team to pick up the pace of games this year. So the new team motto will be “Nasty, brutish and shorter?”
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The NFL is considering a 4th game in London in 2015. As rough as the flight is, have to figure a lot of teams would rather play there than Buffalo or Green Bay in November or December.
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Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”
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Mark Sanchez apparently will end up with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow. Perfect place for a guy who may have been a little too sensitive to fan disapproval…..
From Neil Berliner : The Eagles are signing Mark Sanchez. Mark’s much better than Michael Vick. Because he could never hit a dog, especially if it were ten or more yards away from him.
A couple MH 370 thoughts.
Really hope they find that Malaysian Air plane along with the black boxes. Not just for the important closure for survivors, but because we really need to shut the conspiracy theorists up.
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As if this story weren’t weird enough, Malaysia Airlines notified some family members that “We have to assume beyond reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived,” via TEXT message. Thereby usurping all breakup messages in the history of texting from the lead in the “least sensitive message ever” category.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, NFL jokes, Putin jokes, Romney jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 8, 2013
Really?!! In talking about his 2012 campaign Mitt Romney said today “I can tell you the hurricane (Sandy) didn’t come at the right time.” Would Mitt like to enlighten us as to when he thinks might have been a good time?
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Glenn Beck said today “For any role that I have played in dividing, I wish I can take them (my comments) back.” Translation, I wish I hadn’t been fired from my Fox show.
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From my funny friend R.J. Currie “The NBA fined Miami Heat star LeBron James $5,000 for flopping, which is one minute seven seconds pay he’ll never get back.”
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Speech-less in San Jose. Some are criticizing President Obama because he delayed his speech for a minute or so when aides forgot to leave his speech at the podium. Well, at least they can’t complain this time about his use of a teleprompter.
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While Michele Bachmann is not running again for Congress she did hint that she may run for President in 2016. Might be the best news Democrats have had all week.
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Maybe all kids growing up should get a Miranda rights type lecture on social media. Ian Clarkin might have benefited. After the 18-year-old pitcher said his top baseball moment growing up was watching the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in game 7 of the World Series – “I cannot stand the Yankees, so I was actually in tears I was so happy,” And of course, who drafted him? The Yankees.
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Kim Kardashian is upset with pararazzi hoping to get a picture of her while pregnant and has called for “laws to be put in place to prevent this behavior.” Wonder if Kim will take her campaign for privacy to her reality show.
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Despite perhaps a smoking gun, or should I say smoking syringe, many MLB analysts think there will be few if any more suspensions from the Bigenesis mess. Is this baseball’s version of “Too big to fail?”
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American Airlines is almost doubling their charge for a second bag checked on flights to Europe, from $60 to $100. Wonder how much they’d charge to check a bag that would always end up on the same flight that you do.
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Cleveland closer Chris Perez and his wife were charged with misdemeanor possession after drug agents intercepted a marijuana package mailed to his home. Police say Perez told them he had pot for personal use and pointed out two jars. His lawyer says the couple will plead not guilty and “expect a favorable outcome.” Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana and short-term memory.
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Cincinnati Bengals OT Andrew Whitworth said if he ended up on a team that moved to London he would “hope that I was financially able to quit, because if I was, my papers would be the first one in.” Just wondering, has Whitworth looked at a globe lately? It wouldn’t be the easiest trip, but for example, Boston to London is barely 500 miles more than Miami to Seattle. And it’s closer to Cincinnati than Hawaii, where Whitman happily went to the Pro Bowl.
A Texas actress who has had minor TV roles was arrested today and charged with sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Allegedly she did it because she was mad at her husband and hoped to implicate him. Kind of makes “Not tonight, I have a headache” look warm and fuzzy by comparison.
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The way Dodgers’ rookie Yasiel Puig is hitting, how long until someone with the Giants sends a boat close to the Cuban shore and yells for baseball players to jump in….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Glenn Back jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, NFL jokes, Romney jokes
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March 3, 2013
Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”
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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”
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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”
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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.
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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.
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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.
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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”
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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.
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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.
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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?
From Bill Littlejohn: The Milwaukee Brewers’ Italian Sausage costume has been returned. Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: janice hough jokes, NBA jokes, Obama jokes, Pope jokes, Romney jokes, sequester jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 7, 2012
Electoral votes. Pending Florida, which is heading for another recount. Y’all take all the time you want this go around.
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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?
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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44. So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?
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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.
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Late this evening , Mitt Romney called President Obama to concede. As a Californian I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-
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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.
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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?
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For that matter CNN also said Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed. . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.
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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”
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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.” Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?
From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”
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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.
Categories: political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, Romney jokes
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November 2, 2012
In case anyone thought it’s only the U.S. that is out of control with early holiday shopping – in London, Santa’s Grotto is open at Harrods tomorrow as Father Christmas arrives – November 3!
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Despite long lines and urging from the League of Women Voters, Florida Gov. Rick Scott on Thursday today refused to extend early voting through Sunday. Of course, if he could Scott would probably deal with the lines by dismissing the 19th amendment.
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As Americans deal with countless last-minute emails asking for campaign money, more people on both sides of the aisle might start agreeing with John McCain. When he said that Citizens United was the Supreme Court’s “worst decision ever.”
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Steve Spurrier now says that Alabama could beat some NFL teams. Well, based on his tenure with the Redskins, maybe a lousy NFL team IF Spurrier was coaching them.
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Watching Chris Christie and Barack Obama together – whoever thought a potential election game-changer might include the words “Jersey Shore?”
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It’s only two games into the NBA season. But who do the newly star-studded Los Angeles Lakers think they are? The Dodgers?
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Here’s a bipartisan cheerful thought. In five days, we won’t have to read a single news story involving polls….. (Until candidates start running for 2016, which should take about a week.)
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Well, this ought to take care of the stereotype of NFL players as pampered and out of touch: Since their usual hotel still doesn’t have power, the Pittsburgh Steelers now will fly into Newark Sunday morning and bus to the Meadowlands for a 4:25pm kickoff against the NY Giants. Oh, the horror.
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Proving that there is nothing in America that isn’t an excuse for a sale – Macy’s advertising an “Election Day Sale.” (Shame there isn’t a further discount if you can prove you have voted.) Standby for “Hurricane Sandy” sale to follow.
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Mitt Romney’s campaign dismissed New York Mayor Bloomberg’s endorsement of President Obama as inconsequential. Gosh, if they said that earlier maybe Bloomberg might have made up his mind sooner.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Romney jokes
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October 19, 2012
So the torture continues until at least Game 6 of the NLCS, thanks to Barry Zito. Should the postseason video be titled “50 Shades of Orange?”
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Okay, who would have made the bet in Las Vegas that Barry Zito started NLCS Game 5 with 7 2/3 scoreless innings tonight? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “I can’t believe Barry Zito is getting the Cardinals out with that junk.”
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A little “inside baseball” for SF Giants fans – Well, contrary to previous popular belief, Buster Posey can apparently catch Barry Zito.
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Honestly thought that Fox has said more positive things about President Obama than they have about the SF Giants before game five. They thought this series was over.
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And so what time is that Yankees game tomorrow?
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Just a question for Romney fans, if Mitt thinks he’s going to be so much better – and somehow different – from George W. Bush, why didn’t he emulate his former rival Ted Kennedy and challenge the President in the primary?
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“Big Tex” the giant metal cowboy who’s greeted visitors to the Texas State Fair for 60 years, was destroyed by fire today. Devastated Texans nonetheless know that big inanimate objects can come back – witness Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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According to the NY Daily News, a Yankee player said that hostile fans at Yankee Stadium affected the team in the ALCS. “A lot of guys were talking about it in the clubhouse. I was surprised by how much it bothered them. I really don’t think they ever recovered.” Gosh. Good thing the stands weren’t really full then.
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Another graduate of the Todd Akin school of science: Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh told reporters it’s “absolutely” never necessary for an abortion to save the life of a mother. “With modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance .. There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.”
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Oops. Did some idiot spray Big Tex? From the AP: “The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.”
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Fidel Castro is reportedly in a “vegetative state” after a stroke. Insert tasteless Ronald Reagan joke here:
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Rallyzito, Big Tex jokes, Castro jokes, NLCS jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes, yankee jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 10, 2012
The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason. And their batting average tonight went DOWN. (3 for 32.) And they didn’t have a hit with a runner in scoring position. And they won 2-1.
Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching (and bad opposition fielding) bails out awful hitting.
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This is the weirdest survival story with no hits since Taylor Hicks.
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Normally when a team wins with as little offense as the SF Giants displayed tonight, penalty kicks are involved.
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Heck, President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason.
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Maybe not exactly the headline they were hoping for. Stacey Dash has come out supporting the GOP Presidential ticket. And the headline reads “Clueless star supporting Romney.”‘
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A dance instructor has been arrested and charged with running a prostitution business out of her studio in Kennebuckport, Maine, where the Bush family has their summer compound. Can we call it a “trickle-down/economic stimulus?”
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A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg. If he doesn’t make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver?
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Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky’s 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn’t start 30 years earlier.
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According to a L.A. Daily News columnist, when USC WR Robert Wood took a shot to the head last week, he had to answer 3 questions before returning: 1. Who is the current president? 2. What is today’s date? 3. What is 100 minus seven, minus seven, minus seven? Wow, those questions could bench half the players in the SEC.
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Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “kids, make up your minds.”
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Fully expect numbers to bounce all over the place between now and November 6. But really, all this hype over people who have enough time on their hands that they don’t hang up on pollsters?
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Now the political hype switches to the V.P. debate. Where a win is so critically important. Just ask Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, election jokes, polling jokes, Reds jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
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October 4, 2012
President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”
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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.
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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.
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Or did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”
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From my good friend, Michele Eggars, who doesn’t share my political views – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.
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And from Marc Ragovin: “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”
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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?
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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.
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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.
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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”
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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?
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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.
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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”
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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….
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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”
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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Bird jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
September 26, 2012
The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.
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From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout: Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!
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Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.
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A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.
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Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.
(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers. For those who haven’t been to Florida, Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)
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Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.
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A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.
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Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.
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Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.
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Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address… “Dear Janice…. “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”
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How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said – “Not winning.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NFL lockout jokes, Romney jokes
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September 25, 2012
Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.
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Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.
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Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.
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Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh? (There might still be crime tape on the field. )
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The possible real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.
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On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.
Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?
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Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.
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Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.
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A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.
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Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.
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At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.
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In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Packers jokes, replacement ref jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 23, 2012
Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.
Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”
(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one. Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)
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Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?
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Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.
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After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.
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Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.
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RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?
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NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.
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Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”
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#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.
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Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.
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A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?
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More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote. It also included “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, NFL jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 22, 2012
Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.
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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.
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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?
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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.
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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.
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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.
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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.
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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.
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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”
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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”
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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?
Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 20, 2012
You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5. Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old. Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”
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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.
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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?
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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?
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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?
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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.
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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach. “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”
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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.
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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?
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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.
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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.
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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 19, 2012
Leaving politics aside, is this ESPN headline a sign of the apocalypse? “Nationals inch closer to clinching postseason spot.”
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Mitt Romney says that “Letterman hates me because I’ve been on Leno more than him. Letterman’s response “I don’t hate Mitt.” Well of course, how can you hate someone who gives you so much material?
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The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don’t have to see election ads on television 24/7.
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PED’s, brain injuries, arrests…. good to know that the NFL is on top of the important things – like fining the 49ers’ Alex Smith $15,000 for wearing an SF Giants cap to a post-game news conference. (Really. Although they later did change the fine to a warning.)
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Meanwhile this from comedy writer friend Torben Rolfsen, after Falcons RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI just hours after Monday night’s win: “He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.”
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The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available?
(my friend Tony L. suggests “Singapore. Then they can be the “Big Far East.”)
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Todd Akin’s campaign site today urged his female supporters to sign a pledge saying “I’m a women, and I support Todd.” (I guess spelling is another of those wacky liberal concepts.)
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Bumpersticker idea for the day: “One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama.”
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Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down.
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Lindsay Lohan has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident after allegedly hitting a pedestrian at 1230a in Manhattan last night. It’s all part of America’s celebrity “50 strikes and you’re out” program.
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Interesting, while Mitt’s trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) – Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits.
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Paul Ryan’s said Mitt Romney’s comments on the 47% were “obviously inarticulate.” How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents’ mistakes reveal their true feelings?.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 19, 2012
So it’s all about the Romney video. But really, there’s hasn’t been so much talk about 47% since, well, last Thursday and Jay Cutler’s completion rate.
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(And btw, since there are no ads, no taxes are paid from the writing of this blog.)
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Mitt Romney just dissed Americans who see themselves as “victims.” So much for that all important Cubs’ fan vote.
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SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves – 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox – 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted.
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Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax……
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Just wondering, if Tampa Bay’s attempt to rush the NY Giants’ huddle during their end of game kneel-down had resulted in a fumble, how many teams would try it next week?
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The San Jose Spartans received one 25th place vote in this week’s USA Today-Coaches college football poll. Well, they did come closer to beating Stanford than USC.
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NFL teams are furious with the replacement refs. They can’t wait to get back to being furious with the regular officials.
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The New York Jets lwere scoreless in the last 40 minutes of their loss to the Steelers, Peyton Manning threw three interceptions in a quarter in a loss to the Falcons. Wonder whose fans were screaming louder for Tim Tebow?
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USC Matt Barkley said today he’s glad coach Lane Kiffin publicly critiqued his play last weekend against Stanford. Is this the college football equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome?”
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Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning – even when you think you have privacy, don’t expose yourself.
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The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa.
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Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig.
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PC overload time. A Rhode Island school district banned father-daughter dances and mother-son ballgames on gender discrimination charges. Who do they think they are – San Francisco?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, 47% jokes, Cutler jokes, Jets jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 10, 2012
USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.
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Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.
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Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?
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Question of the day. Is RG3 that good? Or is the Saints defense that bad?
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Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.
(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored – Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)
Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press” that he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed. Wow. I could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.
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The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.
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Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.
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Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.
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So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Romney jokes, Ryan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 