Posted tagged ‘Packers jokes’

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Sinister thoughts

September 21, 2015

In an Oklahoma school, a pre-K student was allegedly forced to write with his right hand and sent home with a note about the “evil” of being left-handed. Waiting for Mike Huckabee or someone to make this about Christianity and religious freedom.

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Mike Huckabee and some other conservatives ARE upset that, among the 15,000 people Obama has invited to an event for Pope Francis, are a handful of LGBT Catholics and even pro-choice Catholics.

You know who isn’t upset about their inclusion? The Pope.

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A tourist died and another broke his leg when they fell down a staircase taking selfies at the Taj Mahal. If Darwin were alive he might have to revise his book to add a whole chapter on selfie-sticks.

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If we could just create a combination gun and selfie-stick, we could cull the herd a lot faster.

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Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. So bad news, Wisconsin, for the next few years you’re stuck with him.

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When the Seahawks beat the Packers in the 2015 NFC Championship, Russell WIlson credited God. And Aaron Rodgers said he didn’t think God “cares a whole lot about the outcome.” But after last night’s Packers win, Rodgers said ” I think God was a Packers fan tonight, so he was taking care of us.”
You never know.. Hey, maybe Jesus had money on Green Bay.

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Scott Walker said Monday he was “called” to drop out of the race. And God said “Wasn’t me, I was watching the Packers-Seahawks.”

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A Georgia peanut executive was sentenced to 28 years in prison today for knowingly shipping salmonella-tainted peanut butter, which resulted in hundreds of people getting sick, and at least nine deaths. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate just to sentence him to eating his own peanut butter.

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SNL‬ has picked  Taran Killi‪am to play ‪Donald Trump. But who’s going to play that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head?

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After a Vikings fan was beaten after the first game at Levi’s, two Santa Clara City Council members have suggested that the city ban alcohol from the stadium. And 49ers fans are screaming, “Ban booze? Did you see the team against the Steelers, how else are we going to get through the rest of the season?”

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Both Ted Cruz AND Hillary Clinton rebuked Ben Carson’s comment on a Muslim president by invoking the Constitution

So Clinton and Cruz agree. Now which of them will be the first to have a campaign event with flying pigs?

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And here, for Dr. Ben Carson, since civics was clearly not required for your medical school education. The U.S. Constitution, Article VI: “The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States.”

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Bus to Hell time:  Monday, Sept 21 is World Alzheimer’s Day. Awful disease, but at least you can use the same greeting card every year.

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The NFL keeps talking about wanting to reduce injuries. Here’s a simple way to cut them down drastically: Any player who receives a penalty for a play that injures another has to sit until that injured player returns. Up to and including missing the rest of the season.

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The lights weren’t out, the party wasn’t over.

January 19, 2015

Some say God wanted the Seahawks to win. But isn’t it as likely that God was rooting for the Packers and just turned to the Colts-Patriots figuring the game was over?

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The ending of the NFC championship was bad enough Packers fans are getting sympathy cards from Cubs fans.

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Quite a number of Seahawks fans actually left with a few minutes left in the game.   Suppose that’s better than all the Packers who didn’t show up in the fourth quarter.

 

Considering how popular both the  ‪#‎Patriots‬ and ‪#‎Seahawks‬ are wonder how many Americans will fast-forward through ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ to get to commercials

 

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Will the ‪#‎Seahawks‬ vote ‪#‎Bostick‬ a ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ playoff share?

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In “prop bets” though,  who had Russell Wilson getting his first completion of the day with less than four minutes less in the second quarter?  And who had him completing more passes in the first half to the Packers than the Seahawks?

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The NFL  warned Marshawn Lynch that if he had worn gold cleats Sunday as he planned, he would have been ejected from the NFC championship game. Good to see the league once again focusing on what’s important.

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Not a Seahawks fan, but if the problem with Lynch’s gold cleats was that they might have been a distraction, why weren’t the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms declared illegal most weeks.

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Meanwhile, TC asks “Did anyone notice that Jim Nantz and Phil Simms were not wearing “Bose” headsets? That has to be a $50,000 fine at least from the NFL! EACH!!!!!”

 

Indianapolis reporter Bob Kravitz tweeted “Breaking: A league source tells me the NFL is investigating the possibility the Patriots deflated footballs Sunday night. More to come.” He added that “no one is suggesting this is why Colts lost” but if true the story will just add to New England’s lovable reputation.

 

On a brighter note, at least the Colts didn’t break their fans’ hearts in the 4th quarter.

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First Jim Tomsula. Now rumors have the 49ers looking at Lane Kiffin as an offensive coordinator. And in from Ann Arbor you can almost hear a new resident giggling.

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And one thing about Lane Kiffin, he’ll have the “offensive” part down pat.

 

Tony Verna, 81, the inventor of instant replay for sports on TV, has passed away. At his funeral, wonder how many times they will review his life?

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FOX News apologized four times Saturday for recent incorrect information about Muslims in Europe- things like more than half the Muslims in France supporting ISIS, Sharia law superseding local law, there being “no-go” zones etc. Less shocking that people on FOX said these things perhaps, then that they apologized for them.

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Equally bad?

November 24, 2013

So has the #NFL achieved #parity? Or just a lot of mediocre teams?

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One headline Sunday after the 4-7 Gators’ loss to Georgia Southern said “Florida Hits Bottom.” And out west, Cal Bears fans are thinking “Uh, depends what your definition of ‘bottom’ is.”

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Georgia Southern beat Florida yesterday without completing a pass. Was this a football game or a competition between the schools’ chess teams?

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For the uninitiated, few teams hate each other more than Green Bay and Minnesota. So Sunday was like kissing a particularly ugly and/or smelly sister.

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Apparently some members of the  Packers didn’t realize the game would end as a tie if they were tied with the Vikings after one overtime.  Didn’t realize Green Bay had added  Donovan McNabb to their coaching staff.

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A 20 year-old American tourist died last week after he and a friend got drunk and jumped off a bridge into a river in Seville, Spain. Guess a more intelligent alternative wasn’t available, like running with the Bulls?

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The NY Knicks are 3-9, but coach Mike Woodson said it’s too early for the team to start panicking. The Utah Jazz are 1-13. Yeah, they can panic.

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Reports are that football coach Will Muschamp will be back at Florida in 2014. Translation – The Gators don’t think they will be able to find anyone else to take over their mess.

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Just think of all the poor kids in Boston who didn’t even fight their parents telling them to go to bed at halftime of a 24-0 Broncos-Patriots game.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much.He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick”

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Regarding the Iran deal, it’s hard to top the reaction of Texas Senator John Cornyn. “Amazing what WH will do to distract attention from O-care.” (Hey, at least Obama didn’t go invade a country.)

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With many in the GOP attacking President Obama for negotiating with Iran, wonder what they’d say if an administration not only negotiated with but sold arms to the post-Shah regime? Hypothetically speaking of course.

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If you are a conservative who has studied history, ignore this post. But strikes me that a lot of the GOP today are referencing “Neville Chamberlain” when yesterday they might have had a hard time telling you who he was.

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CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf

CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf
CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf
CB Vontae Davis was dealt from the Dolphins reportedly because during practices he went to the bathroom too much. He gives new meaning to the term No. 1 draft pick. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/300959/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-22-2013-Edition-446#sthash.RekDW73k.dpuf

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Referees are missing calls, I’m shocked, shocked….

September 25, 2012

Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.

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Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.

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Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.

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Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh?   (There might still be crime tape on the field. )

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The possible  real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.

 

 

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On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.

 

Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?

 

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Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.

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Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.

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A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.

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Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.

 

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At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.

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In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.

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Replacement referees, weak 3.

September 24, 2012

What a country. I think many bad Supreme Court decisions have resulted in less outrage.

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Jon Gruden, in the midst of his rant against replacement referees, said that “Green Bay shouldn’t have to fly 6,000 miles back home with a loss here”. 6,000 miles? Yeah, this ought to do wonders for the dumb jock image.

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A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? (And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs.)

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Drew Brees described the replacement refs in the Saints’ game Sunday as “horrendous.” Assuming Drew just got a friend request from Aaron Rodgers.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up – – Mitt Romney on Ann’s plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

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An ex-Intel executive, who cooperated with investigators, escaped with a fine and probation for giving confidential info about his company to a New York hedge fund manager. Gosh, wonder if he had done something really bad, like sold an extra large soda?

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A flight attendant for US Airways Express was caught with a loaded gun in her handbag at Philadelphia International Airport. Well, that’s one airline where passengers may now think twice about whining for a second drink.

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Heath Bell, who lost the Marlins’ closer job, is complaining about Ozzie Guillen saying   “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face.” Wonder if Guillen’s response would be “It’s hard to respect a guy with a 5.19 ERA who’s converted 19 of 26 save opportunities.

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Police said that renters moving into a home Sunday morning in Modesto, discovered a body. Yikes. Guessing someone won’t get their cleaning deposit back.

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How times have changed. Next Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger is appearing on “60 Minutes” to plug his new “tell-all” book. Remember the days when some were hoping to change the constitution so that Arnold could run for President?

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Mitt Romney last night “We do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital….” Of course insurance for preventive care might have kept that heart attack from happening in the first place.

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Kerri Walsh Jennings just revealed she was pregnant when she and her partner won their last Gold medal at the London Olympics. And may I join millions of women around the world in saying “Weaker sex, my ass.”

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It’s November, isn’t there a baseball game somewhere?

November 9, 2009

The U.S. Northwest has been hit by a major early snow storm this week. Or as Bud Selig calls it “Baseball weather.”

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Now that the New York Yankees have won a World Championship they intend to stay on top but have promised some responsibility in their free agent off-season signings. Which means they intend to keep their payroll under $300,000,000.

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For those who are still complaining about the weather with the World Series, pitchers and catchers report to spring training in less than 100 days, in mid-February. Of course none of those games are played further north than Arizona.

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Breckenridge, Colorado, has voted to legalize marijuana for adults 21 and over. Which gives San Franciso a few years to follow suit so they don’t lose Tim Lincecum as a free agent to the Rockies.
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What a couple weeks for the Green Bay Packers. First they lose to the oldest quarterback in the NFL, Brett Favre, then they lose to the youngest quarterback, Josh Freeman. Didn’t we already see this nightmare with the ghosts of Christmas Past and Christmas Future…. ?

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Stanford football is back in the the AP top 25 for the first time in eight years. But they are guaranteed not to stay in that place next week. Because they play USC. Who is ranked number 11. Which means either they score a huge upset, and jump up. Or lose and fall out of the rankings. But isn’t a number 25 team supposed to lose to a number 11 team. For that matter, a number 12 team is supposed to lose to a number 11 team. And they wonder why fans don’t trust the polls and the BCS system…

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For that matter, I generally don’t believe in conspiracies because it’s hard for even two people to keep a secret. Besides, with the rumored SEC referee conspiracy what would be the point? Helping a conference team stay undefeated and get into the championship game or at least a BCS bowl? The payout for those games, which gets shared with other conference teams, is only about $18 million. Oops…. Never mind.

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So the healthcare bill passed the House with one Republican vote. Which means calling it bi-partisan is like calling the Detroit Lions a winning team.

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Rachel Christie, Miss England, has had to give up her crown after a drunken bar fight with Miss Manchester. She is, however, entertaining offers to become either Miss Country Western Music or Miss World Cup.

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from the very funny Jim Barach…

President Clinton says he wishes there weren’t term limits on the presidency and that he would have preferred to be taken from the White House in a coffin. He forgets how close Hillary was to granting him that request.

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