Posted tagged ‘playoff jokes’

Countdown.

January 12, 2016

Best thing about the College Football Playoff.  Now that the game is over,  we know it’s not much more than a month until ‪#‎MLB‬ spring training starts.

Tonight was really as it turned out,  the Southern U.S. Football Championship.   A week and a half after the big bowls. So did anyone outside the South who doesn’t have money on the game really care?

The real winners of last night’s Golden Globes hosted by Ricky Gervais? Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, who can now REALLY name their own price.

Amazing how many stayed in TCF Bank Stadium to bitter end of ‪#‎Vikings‬ game. Though most fans may have been frozen to seats. ‪#‎SEAvsMIN‬

Johnny Manziel now seems to have disappeared and not even the Browns know where he is. Even Lindsay Lohan is beginning to think this guy needs help.

Monday on the New York City subway is ‪#‎NoPantsDay‬. Which means Tuesday on the subway is ‪#‎BringHandiWipesDay‬

 

ESPN reported that several Denver Broncos players said today that while they are angry at Steelers’ center Cody Wallace for what they perceive as a dirty hit last month, they wouldn’t hurt the team with an ill-timed penalty.

Uh, who goes into any game saying they plan to lose the game over an ill-timed penalty?

Adam Jones, still upset over the end of the Steelers-Bengals game and his personal foul penalty, claims that Antonio Brown flopped, and today said “He deserved a Grammy Award for that. I know if you just got knocked out you ain’t going to be able to wink and tell me you’re OK.”
A Grammy? Sounds like Pacman’s awareness of pop culture is at about the same level as his self control.

 

The SF 49ers have been granted permission to speak to former NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin, 70. Makes sense. Coughlin can sign a 4 year contract, and then working under Jed York and Trent Baalke, retire when he gets fired at 71.

When sitting on hold for a long time to make a reservation, always wish just once that instead of saying, “Due to the high demand…”, companies would just be honest: “Due to the fact we don’t want to pay enough people to answer the phones….

Donald Trump is bragging how he got the Manchester Union Leader removed as a sponsor of the next GOP debate. So apparently while he and other candidates are focusing on the 2nd amendment, it’s okay to trample on the first?

Laissez les bonne temps roulez – Bobby Jindal is no longer governor of Louisiana.
Now what? At least since his campaign collapsing early Jindal has a good chance to be hired as a media pundit explaining why several other candidates have no chance.

 

A Conn. rookie police officer has resigned and been charged with 1st degree larceny after saying he needed time off with pay for U.S.Army Reserves duty in December, when he was actually going to Hawaii with his girlfriend.

So he’s a cop, and a young man, and in this social media age he still figured there was no chance he’d get caught…. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ Your move, Florida.

And seriously, R.I.P. David Bowie. How many musicians manage to be relevant across the generations?   Give the man credit. Not only did he change music in many ways, Bowie also, in a 24-7 internet celebrity-focused age, managed to fight a long battle with terminal cancer without the tabloids and various other media picking up on or publicizing it.  Godspeed, Major Tom.

A little knowledge

January 10, 2016

Amazing. The same people who suddenly become experts on “triple axels” after watching two days of figure skating in the Olympics now are experts on where the laces should be on a field goal kick.

 

Donald Trump’s latest: NFL referees throw flags to impress their wives watching at home. ‘It (football) has become soft, and our country has become soft.'”
Remember those Furbys – were electronic pets that came up with all kinds of randomly correlated nonsense? Beginning to seem like one of them is running for President.

After this weekend, four NFL teams likely never to watch “Wizard of Oz” again – “There’s no place like home, my ass.” ‪#‎WildCardWeekend‬

The temperature was well below zero for Sunday’s  ‪#‎SEAvsMIN‬ game. Might have been almost as cold as White House family dinners after Hillary found out Monica was telling the truth.

So who will be the first ‪#‎GOP‬ candidate to blame today’s Washington game on Obama? ‪#‎GBvsWAS‬

The 49ers reportedly may hire Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson as their new coach. Well, after yesterday’s Cincinnati meltdown, SF probably looks like less of a train wreck by comparison.

Watching the political craziness now thinking that had only the Stanford band decided to mock the Iowa caucuses instead of farmers, they’d be getting near universal applause.

Carly Fiorina missed yesterday’s GOP forum supposedly due to “travel issues.” Hmm. Maybe Carly missed a flight while trying hard to figure out which Wild Card NFL team came from the state with the earliest primary, so she could say even though she lives in California she was rooting for them?

 

Awful miss for Blair Walsh on what would have been his fourth field goal of the night, which would have probably won the game for the Vikings. But okay, four field goal attempts?! If Minnesota’s offense gets the ball into the end zone ONCE that kick is unnecessary. ‪#‎plentyofblametogoaround‬

Donald Trump today said he takes being compared to P.T.Barnum as a compliment. And indeed, the Donald isn’t aiming to “fool all of the people all of the time”, just over 50% or a plurality in the election.

Donald Trump is ramping up his birther attacks now on Ted Cruz. Once again, the Donald should be careful, seems pretty unlikely that furry thing that lives on his head was born in the U.S.

 

The President of Volkswagen said “We are not a criminal brand.” A criminal brand, no, a band of criminals, maybe.

Bus to hell time.   So a personal foul made the difference in setting up the Steelers’ game winning field goal.  Any other women find it ironic that alleged rapist wins a playoff game because another man was penalized for a stupid brutal act? ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

Bungled

January 9, 2016

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the  Bengals finding a way to lose in the playoffs.

Silver lining dept: Suppose at least the Reds, who were up 2-0 and needed just one win in three home games to beat the SF Giants in the 2012 NLDS, are off the hook for the most crushing loss in modern Cincinnati sports history

Both teams had serious issues holding onto the football in rain. Where are the ‪#‎Patriots‬ ball boys when you need them? ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

Happiest football fans not in Pittsburgh tonight have to be fans of the Denver Broncos. ‪#‎twosuckyteams‬ ‪#‎PITvsCIN‬

 

Two weeks ago, the Denver Broncos were down 14-0 at half time to the Cincinnati Bengals and almost out of the playoffs. Now, watching the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game, and with Big Ben possibly out, got to wonder -maybe God really does want Peyton to retire with one more ring.

 

Roger Goodell apparently said in a report to all NFL teams that stadium solutions in San Diego, Oakland & St. Louis were “unsatisfactory” and “inadequate,” and that he would not block any of the teams’ relocating. Did anyone doubt that would be his deci$$$$$ion?

Watching former Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer’s  day for the Texans today makes you realize why the Browns took a chance on Johnny Manziel.

Thinking today ‪#‎AlexSmith‬ is just feeling brokenhearted about being booted to the ‪#‎Chiefs‬ from the ‪#‎49ers‬ in favor of ‪#‎ColinKaepernick‬.

Steve Deberg, Joe Montana, Steve Bono, Elvis Grbac, Alex Smith…. so how long does it take until Colin Kaepernick resurrects his career in Kansas City? ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎Chiefs‬

So people said the Stanford Band’s halftime Rose Bowl performance was offensive but no one has a problem with children watching football seeing multiple erectile dysfunction commercials?

So some discussion on whether or not we should extradite “El Chapo” to the U.S. Seems reasonable enough to me if we can make a deal that Mexico keeps Ethan Couch?

Affluenza” mom Tonya Couch’s lawyers “We would like to thank Sheriff Dee Anderson for taking time out of his busy day serving as this county’s chief law enforcement officer to personally escort a 5’1”, 110 pound handcuffed and leg shackled female who was guarded by at least 2 armed deputies yesterday.”
Ah, sarcasm directed at the sheriff, and complaining about the jail accommodations. This is going to go well. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

In Germany, police were able to reunite an American woman with her $2.7 million violin after she accidentally left it on a train. Think I’m not going to feel so bad the next time I forget my sunglasses.

 

Apparently there will be a lot more security at the College Football championship game Monday than there will be at the Super Bowl. Don’t suppose there’s any correlation with the fact that the BCS game will be in Arizona, which has some of the most lenient gun laws in the country….

In Germany, police were able to reunite an American woman with her $2.7 million violin after she accidentally left it on a train. Think I’m not going to feel so bad the next time I forget my sunglasses.

 

Ted Cruz suggested on Friday that Hillary Clinton be given a “spanking” by voters. Is Cruz trying to appeal to that off-neglected kinky vote?

At a GOP forum today in South Carolina the candidates basically all agreed that government could not end poverty and they were against a culture of dependency. So of course in the spirit of helping people get ahead then they are all in favorite of education, child care programs, free mental health care and birth control, right?

Brilliant line from reader Frank W. on a guess for what date  El Chapo might escape yet again from prison.  “Dibs on Feb. 2 in the pool.”

(yeah, took me a few seconds.)

 

Hits by pitch?

October 12, 2015

Scoring 13 runs against the team that took out your starting shortstop really IS the best revenge.

Some of these MLB  Postseason‬ games are beginning to resemble those Little League games where teams all run out of pitching.

So since MLB would not hear his appeal today, Chase Utley could have played tonight. Which might have brought a whole new audience to NLDS game 3, including those who felt gypped on Mayweather-Pacquiao.

Ouch, a 6-2 lead with 2 innings to go in a series clinching game. The 2015 ‪#‎Astros‬ are getting sympathy messages from 2002 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎ALDS‬

Donald Trump thinks Tuesday’s Democratic debate won’t be very well-rated because he isn’t in it, and “and people are gonna get bored and turn it off.”
Well, he is probably right. Because most Americans aren’t really ready to pay attention to the Presidential election. But we always love watching a good train wreck.

Gennifer Flowers is back, saying she has things in a safety deposit box to ensure her “safety, and that Bill’s infidelity “should come back up with the circumstances, with Hillary running. It should come back to the forefront again.”
Translation, someone might actually pay me money to talk again.

A day after USC ordered their coach to take a leave of absence,and AD Pat Haden says “it was very clear to me that he is not healthy,” the Trojans have fired Steve Sarkasian. That stampeding sound you hear is from a whole lot of rushing Los Angeles employment lawyers.

My friend Alex Kaseberg’s take on Sarkisian’s original leave of absence for “ an undisclosed condition.  ” I can disclose the condition: losing.”

In all seriousness, if USC had started 5-0 does anyone doubt that Sarkisian would not only still have a job, he’d be able to have a flask attached to his headset?

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent out a tweet today “congratulations to the @astros for advancing to the ALCS. Looking for an all-Texas ‪#‎ALCS‬. Looking at you @Rangers.” And somewhere W. and Rick Perry are thinking “And we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”

An Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing today when a credit card reader on board caught fire. So how many snack boxes and drinks were they selling to get it that overheated?

Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer Minnesota will apparently not be charged for the shooting of Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe. Know Palmer paid $50,000 for the original hunting permit, wonder how much he paid for the verdict.

These days it’s harder to figure out what channel the playoff games are on than to explain the infield fly rule. ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬ ‪#‎ALDS‬ ‪#‎NLDS‬

Florida QB Will Grier has thrown for 10 TDs and 1,204 yards for the Gators. Today he was suspended for PED’s. Well, on the bright side, at least Grier may have proven he’s NFL ready.

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In San Antonio, Texas, a husband fatally shot his wife last weekend in their house. He claims he mistook her in the middle of the night for an intruder. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

Apparently Pepsi is launching a new cellphone. Presume the phone won’t lose power, it will just go flat?

Some Democrats are looking forward to the first debate because “Democrats will finally be in the headlines.” Right, just below the headline of whatever insane thing Trump or Carson or Fiorina says tomorrow.

South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier said he is retiring effectively immediately. Now before the season Spurrier said “We were 11-2 and ranked fourth in the country this time a year ago, and nobody said a damn word. Now a year later I’m suddenly too old..” Amazing how much a 2-4 start will make a man feel his age.

Home cooked?

October 8, 2015

What home field advantage? ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬

A pro-White Sox bar in Chicago is offering free beer after every St. Louis Cardinals home run against the Cubs. Okay, I see a potential promotion for San Francisco area bars for the Mets-Dodgers series.

Best wishes to Vin Scully. Los Angeles just announced that their 88-year-old announcer will miss the postseason after undergoing a “recommended medical procedure.” And SFGiants fans hope Dodgers have plenty of time starting next week to visit Vin in the hospital.

Some complain baseball doesn’t have a national TV audience anymore. One reason that most Americans aren’t familiar with any but their local teams and a handful of big name teams. So now in the playoffs, MLB has a chance to introduce us to the Blue Jays and Rangers. And they put ALDS games 1 and 2 on weekday at 330p and 1245p EST…..

Strangely fun to see orange in the postseason, even if it’s not Giants Orange. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

The Cowboys’ Greg Hardy, about his impending return from a suspension for domestic violence “”I hope I come out guns blazing,”
(Hardy was actually convicted of the 2014 assault but had his case dismissed on appeal when Nicole Holder didn’t show up He had thrown her on a pile of guns, bragged they were loaded and threatened to kill her with one of them.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

And maybe all you need to know about Roger Goodell and today’s NFL is that Goodell is pushing hard to make sure Tom Brady gets that full four-game suspension that matches Hardy’s.  (And I don’t even like the Patriots or Saint Brady)  #Priorities.

A video is going viral of the Pirates’ Sean Rodriguez attacking a water cooler during yesterday’s Wild Card game. Pity Pittsburgh batters didn’t hit Arrieta as hard as Rodriguez hit the cooler.

A frat at Indiana University has been suspended over a possible sexual assault, after they posted a video of the incident on Twitter. Not that we always didn’t have ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, but social media has certainly expanded stupid’s reach.

Chris Burns, an assistant coach at Bryant University, is making headlines as the first Division 1 basketball coach to come out of the closet. Uh, that was Sheri Murrell at Portland State. But good for him, each announcement makes the next one a little less of a story. And maybe someday being gay in sports won’t be a story at all. ‪#‎wecandream‬

Kevin McCarthy has just withdrawn from the House Speaker’s race. Proving again that old adage “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Injured Junior Bruins’ LB Myles Jack says he is dropping out UCLA and entering the 2016 NFL draft because he wants “compensation for what I have done.” Well, clearly Jack should have gone to USC.

An 22 year old man called 911 to report that he was “too high on weed” and “could not feel his hands.” Police found him laying on the floor surrounded by “a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and Chips Ahoy cookies.”

This story is from Ohio. Your move, Florida.

Volkswagen’s CEO, testifying before Congress, said it may take years to fix all the rigged cars. And it will take even longer to fix the company’s reputation.

USC coach Steve Sarkisian said late August he was going to rehab. The way Trojans have played the last two games at home you’d think Sarkisian wants most USC fans to need to join him.

Proving that it’s possible to do brain surgery without a working brain: Today’s gem from Ben Carson ” I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeyes [in Baltimore]. … A guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs, and I just said, “I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.” … He said, “Oh, okay.” ‪#‎realAmericanhero‬ ‪#‎yeshesaidit‬

If this keeps up no telling what Trump will have to do to grab the headlines back. Later today on CNN Ben Carson said the holocaust would have been less likely had Jews been armed…. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Four Russian missiles fired at targets in Syria instead landed in a remote part of Iran.So, you see, Colin Kaepernick, you are not alone.”

Sticking with Mother’s Day

May 11, 2015

 

Okay, so it’s been a few years.  My son’s first Mother’s Day at Candlestick Park. #raisinghimright

mothersday

 

Meanwhile, SF Giants fans and players would like to thank Matt Duffy for his game-winning RBI today. Because who really wanted to play 15 innings and not only be late for Mother’s Day dinner, but be at the ballpark after they’d cut off beer etc sales after seven innings…

 

 

Maybe this man really doesn’t want to be President? Jeb Bush today on Fox News said he also would have invaded Iraq in 2003, “I would have [authorized the invasion], and so would have Hillary Clinton, just to remind everybody. And so would almost everybody that was confronted with the intelligence they got,”

 

Isn’t Jeb Bush reminding voters that he would have authorized the Iraq invasion like Hillary Clinton reminding voters that her husband would have input into choosing interns?

So a new DOT ruling as of last Friday allows airlines to back out of “mistake” fares, when an error in loading prices means consumers are able briefly to book tickets for a few dollars. Alas, when consumers make a mistake and book the wrong flight or date, we’re still SOL. ‪#‎toerrishumantoforgiveisnotairlinepolicy‬

A 13-year Harvard University study of 20,000 women found that those who drank half a bottle of wine a day had a 70 % reduced risk of obesity compared to non-drinkers. For all those who didn’t already have enough reason for a Mother’s Day toast!

Mother’s Day in the NBA. Another reason for players to want their teams to go deep into the playoffs. Being busy eliminates those tough decisions about which of their children’s moms to take to brunch.

SNL opening skit Saturday night focused on the GOP 2016 Presidential contenders. But really, how could SNL have the hubris to imagine they could come up with anything funnier and more absurd than the candidates themselves?

 

From Alex Kaseberg,  “Happy Mother’s Day. May your Mother’s Day not be nearly as confusing as it is for Kylie and Kendall Jenner.”

Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.

 

With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.

 

Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.

 

And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.

So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.

 

A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.

 

The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?

 

FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”

 

 

Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬


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