Posted tagged ‘Clooney jokes’

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Super scooter

June 6, 2017

Scooter Gennett had 5 hits, 4 home runs & 10 RBI’s in a game today. 17 total bases. Or as 2017. SF Giants offense calls that – “a good week.”

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Think Scooter Gennett just might be selected this week for random @MLB drug testing?

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Nice story for a change.   Apparently at 11pm last night Packers CB Davon House missed his connecting flight at Minneapolis airport, and tweeted out his frustration on Twitter, asking if any fans wanted to give him a ride to Green Bay since he had OTAs in the morning.   Two brothers promptly responded and drove him the four plus hours, where he promptly rewarded them with signed memorabilia and a locker room tour in the wee hours of the morning.

Why do I not think this story would have happened with a member of the NY Jets landing in Newark.

 

What,   George and Amal Clooney became parents and gave their new twins nice normal names? Ella and Alexander. Isn’t that a violation of celebrity rules?

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And if we didn’t love Clooney enough already, this was his publicist’s statement.  clooney

 

A passenger on a Delta flight needed medical attention after he was bitten by his seatmate’s emotional support dog, and another passenger said the seat had to be removed because there was so much blood.
So how many travelers will now say they need emotional support animals to protect them from their fellow passengers’ support animals?

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Bus to hell, or rather golf cart to hell item of the day. A Northern California man has been arrested for DUI after his partner fell off a golf cart he was driving in a orchard and died after landing on their wine glasses which shattered on impact. Hope at least she had finished the wine.

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Can it still be a smartphone if it’s used by an idiot? Asking for a friend in Washington D.C. taxpayer-funded housing.

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Spicer says Trump tweets are “official statements by the President of the United States.” Kellyanne says the media has an “obsession” w/ “everything” he says on Twitter. #soconfusing

 

So is it too soon to start a pool on what crisis Trump might start with a Tweet on Thursday morning to distract from Comey testimony?

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Bars are opening early in San Francisco, Houston, and Washington DC on Thursday morning for former FBI director Comey’s testimony to Congress.  Russian vodka specials will be on the menus. No doubt with lots of twists.

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Trump attacks Mayor #SadiqKhan after London attack, attacked Gold Star parents Khizr & Ghazala Khan last year. Sure it’s just a coincidence.

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Eric Trump  on Fox News’ “Hannity” re Democrats “To me, they’re not even people.” So what’s next, a big game hunt like he does with leopards & lions?

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Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.

 

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With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

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Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey. ‪

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Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.

 

And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder. ‪

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So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

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Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.

 

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A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

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Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.

 

The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

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Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

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All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?

 

FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

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My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”

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Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Milestones.

September 26, 2014

A lot of women around the world just don’t get the fuss over Derek Jeter’s retirement. Now, George Clooney getting married, that’s traumatic.

 

Chelsea Clinton has a daughter, Charlotte. And Fox News is already preparing a documentary on why the baby is the wrong choice for President in 2064.

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Rand Paul said the U.S.is in a full blown crisis –a spiritual crisis…. I think we must do something our world often tells us not to do: Seek God. He also blasted President Obama as an arrogant “autocrat” who ignores the Constitution. Uh, Article VI of that Constitution – “no religious Test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”

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New Dbacks GM Dave Stewart has fired manager ‪#‎KirkGibson‬. Finally, revenge from that 1988 ‪#‎WorldSeries‬.

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The $228 million Powerball winner in Northern California, Vinh Nguyen, was described as a “nail technician.” At this point the correct phrase should probably be “former nail technician.”

 

Apparently the Redskins were selling “expired” Budweiser beer last night at FedEx field from the 2014 World Cup. Guess Dan Snyder wanted beverages that matched the quality of his team on the field.

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A new Michigan State study found that married couples who met online are three times more likely to divorce than those who met face-to-face. Possibly because many of those couples end up continuing to meet others on line?

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True story from a United Airlines reservation agent dealing with an elite level flyer this morning with a cancelled flight from Chicago-O’Hare. “I’m sorry, but the airport is closed.” “Well then, put me on another airline.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

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Chicago airports reported about 1950 flight cancellations Friday. In other words, it was just like an average winter day for JetBlue.

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As all these pennant races come down to the wire, it must have been tough for MLB to pick headlines, after of course, Derek Jeter’s walk-off hit last night. And #2 was about Phil Hughes missing a $500,000 contract incentive by 1/3 of an inning. #3? “HOF thinks ahead for Jeter induction.” No joke.

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The NFL said today it found no evidence that a video of Ray Rice punching his fiancée was delivered to its headquarters. Presumably on the alleged date, all the league executives were busy anyway, looking for O.J’s “real killer.”

 

So Hunter Pence drops a few, okay, several, F-Bombs, during his clubhouse speech last night. Derek Jeter sits tonight at Fenway and gives Red Sox fans the finger.

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The AP is reporting that in April, a law enforcement official says he mailed the inside-elevator Ray Rice video to the NFL’s security chief, Jeffrey Miller… Next up for Goodell, attacking the credibility of the Post Office.

 

At the Value Voters Summit today, Sarah Palin ranted “Don’t retreat. You reload with truth, which I know is an endangered species at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue.” Yeah, numbers, another construct of the liberal “lame-stream” media…..

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Forever younger.

March 18, 2014

George Clooney apparently has taken his new girlfriend on a safari in Tanzania. So nice that he was able to find a tour company that offered jeeps with booster seats.

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The New Jersey teenager who moved out of the house and sued her parents for support, then moved back home, today dropped the lawsuit completely. Assuming she finds someone to put up with her, ought to be lots of fun when this young woman plans her wedding.

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The Arizona Diamondbacks have unveiled their latest concession item, a 18-inch corn dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapenos and bacon. In related news Chris Christie just asked his aides to schedule a speech for him in Phoenix.

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For all those who have that “sure thing” feel about their brackets, remember when the only question about Tiger Woods passing Jack Nicklaus for wins in PGA majors was “when?”

 

One day of play-in games down. And Albany spared millions of Americans the trouble of figuring out “Where the heck is Mount St. Mary’s?”

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President Obama has joined all of ESPN’s pundits in picking #4 seed Michigan State into the Final Four. So either the seeding committee or a whole lot of experts are going to look pretty stupid.

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The Indianapolis Colts have announced that owner Jim Irsay has voluntarily checked into a “highly respected” rehab facility. Doesn’t “voluntarily” have an asterisk if you only do it when you get caught?

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A lawsuit filed yesterday by four former college athletes accuses the NCAA and its five biggest conferences of being an “illegal cartel.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology. From cartels.

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–Four University of Georgia football players were arrested for allegedly depositing their stipend checks on smart-phone banking apps, and then  cashing the same checks at a store afterward. Let’s see, stipend checks WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM? #smartphonesstupidpeople

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Maybe we should tell #Putin he can have #Crimea if he takes Florida too?

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New Knicks President Phil Jackson said at his first new conference that he looks forward to delivering a winner to New York. Well that’s guaranteed. Won’t the Knicks in 2014-15 have home games against the Pacers, Heat and Thunder?

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In Houston, a 27 year-old firefighter who had been partying on St Patrick’s Day tried to enter his neighbor’s house by mistake last night. The 64-year old woman, thinking he was an intruder, shot and killed him. If only the poor man had been armed.

 

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From Alex Kaseberg  Now that Courtney Love has claimed she has found Malaysian flight 370, shouldn’t we put her to work finding Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and the Los Angeles Lakers’ offence?

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