Posted tagged ‘Bills jokes’

Get out the violins

January 3, 2018

Nick Saban complaining that teams only get 7 days between #CFBPlayoffsemifinals to championship. If it’s a problem Scott Frost could probably get undefeated #UCF to Atlanta in time.

 

AP story on #RoseParade talked about spectators “camping on sidewalks and braving overnight temperatures in low 40s.”. East coast response ” STFU”

Blizzard caused a major crash today involving about 75 vehicles, shut down highway near Buffalo. Maybe someone shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before Bills made playoffs.

Carson Palmer says he is retiring from the NFL. “The first time’s the hardest” responded Brett Favre.

 

While Trump touts HIS record in avoiding commercial airline fatalities, HIS FAA considers dropping minimum flight hours for commercial pilots’ licenses from 1500 to, depending on background, between 500-1000 hours…. But hey, who needs regulations anyway?

Don’t get me wrong, Mitt Romney will be an upgrade over Orrin Hatch. But I am somehow missing all the pundits saying he should stay home and knit instead.

10 Americans killed in small plane crash in Costa Rica on trip booked by US tour company. And Trump takes opportunity, not for “thoughts and prayers” but to tout his magic with planes flying in US?

That moment when you realize fate of world may hinge on Kim Jong Un being the mature sane one.

I miss the days when you googled “paranoid delusional President” and you came up with Nixon.

Remember how relieved millions were when @realDonaldTrump got John Kelly as adult supervision in the White House?

Learned about “sundowning” when mom had dementia, learned to dread her phone calls then. But those calls were less scary than @realDonaldTrump sundown tweets.

If someone spills #DietCoke over a #NuclearButton does it make the button as nonfunctional as a wet smartphone or laptop? Asking for a country.

If you threaten to shoot people on Twitter pretty sure it’s a violation of terms of service. So shouldn’t same apply to threatening nuclear war? @jack @realDonaldTrump

Rumors that Trump has threatened to cancel his visit to Britain this year if Obama attends Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Wedding.

And millions of Brits are begging Harry to invite Barack, Michelle and the whole family.

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Broken dreams.

July 12, 2015

Lebron James says he still has “nightmares” over Cleveland’s loss to Golden State ” I can never get away from losing in the Finals.” Don’t they say practice makes perfect?

 

Bruce Bochy has added Clayton Kershaw to the NL All-Star SF Giants fans have no problem with this. Maybe Bochy can pitch him for 8 innings?

Max Scherzer is pitching today and so will miss the All-Star game. And the Nationals, who saw Madison Bumgarner last year, are thinking, “If we win the NL and have Max Scherzer, we don’t need no stinking home field advantage.”

 

The Knicks beat the Spurs, 78-73 in their first Summer League game in Las Vegas yesterday. The game was also the head coaching debut of Becky Hammon. And everyone survived just fine. ‪#‎Thetimestheyareachangin‬

Buffalo Bills OL coach Aaron Kromer was arrested this morning in Florida for allegedly punching a boy in the face. And at NFL headquarters they’re thinking “At least it wasn’t a girl.”

Jayson Tatum, the #2 ranked 2016 basketball recruit, has committed to join the Blue Devils, saying “I love the way the program is run and I love the way the academics are set up.” So Tatum is thinking Duke has the best 1 year high school post-graduate program in the country?

NY Rep. Carolyn Maloney today cited the World Cup in calling for gender pay equality. “Women are being short-changed in soccer. We need to step up and work for equal pay.” The U.S. women’s national team received $2 million, whereas the men got $8 million for losing in the round of 16.

Well, and no doubt that’s because of TV ratings. The Women’s final had 25.4 million viewers, only about 2 million more than this year’s NBA finals game 6 and 2014’s World Series game 7. Oops, never mind.

 

Donald Trump is bragging that 15,000 supporters came to watch his Phoenix speech, and that tickets to ‘free’ event sold online for as much as $100. Right. But what’s more American than turning out for a really spectacular circus?

Joaquin Guzman, “El Chapo”, who was the most wanted drug lord in the world until his 2014 arrest, apparently escaped from a Mexican maximum security prison for the second time.

Maybe they ought to rethink that “maximum security” part? ‪#‎Whatsminimumsecurity‬?

 

Donald Trump, surprise, is seizing on the escape of drug lord “El Chapo” from a Mexican maximum security as proof of that country’s corruption. So what was the escape of two murderers from a U.S. maximum security prison proof of…?

Gorgeous George

January 12, 2015

Tina Fey at the Golden Globes: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Hey, I thought Amal WAS Clooney’s lifetime achievement award.

 

With ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ trending, it’s the first time most Americans have learned a French phrase since Lady Marmalade and ‪#‎voulezvouscouchezavecmoi‬.

Aaron Rodgers was calling “New York Bozo” at the line during the Green Bay -Dallas game.  Silly man. Chris Christie is from New Jersey.

 

Cowboys fans are still upset about the refs overturning Dez Bryant’s catch. Understandable. It might have been the most controversial reversed NFL call in the past… week.

 

And who knows, some Dallas fans were perhaps unhappy to discover that paying off referees left then open in future to a higher bidder.

So now that the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ have lost, Chris Christie can stop ignoring New Jersey on weekends for football and get back to ignoring the state for the important business of running for President.

Although if I’m a referee from today’s Green Bay – Dallas game, I maybe allow a little extra time for future bridge crossings.

 

A second Ducks star has been suspended for smoking pot. So who knew the NCAA national championship could come down to Oregon legalizing marijuana before Ohio?

Rex Ryan is going to coach the Buffalo Bills. The NY Daily reports that he preferred the Falcons, but Atlanta was ‘dragging their feet’ on the process. And we all know how Rex feels about feet.

 

The 49ers’ offensive coordinator Greg Roman is apparently leaving to follow Rex Ryan to the Bills. So just how toxic does owner Jed York have to be to make moving to Buffalo an upgrade over staying in San Francisco?

Rutgers just upset #4 Wisconsin in college basketball. Which means Chris Christie should be happy. Except that since he apparently started rooting for the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ when local teams s*cked, Christie probably cheers for Kentucky or Arizona.

All aboard the bus to hell. Who knew it would be more dangerous to attend a Chris Brown concert than a Paris anti-terror rally?

 

FOX News etc criticizing President Obama for only sending U.S. Ambassador to France Jane Hartley to the Unity rally in Paris. Uh, Obama also didn’t forbid any members of Congress from going over to join the rally.

My friend Gib. W. says “Fox was just upset because they’d already worked up a chart on the cost of Obama going.”

 

 

Most of these women on the ‪#‎GoldenGlobes‬ look like they spent a lot of time and effort to have smooth faces that look like they came from the same doll mold. ‪#‎Plasticisntsexy‬

This week in Buffalo

May 16, 2009

This week in Buffalo, former defensive end Bruce Smith was charged with DUI, and fullback Corey McIntyre was charged with indecent exposure for exposing himself to a woman.

So who’d a thunk it, the Bills have this embarrassing a week, and T.O was not involved.

These two arrests were the fourth and fifth for the Bills this off-season. Who do they think they are?  The Bengals?

 

Quit while you’re ahead department. 

The State Department has revised a report that erroneously pegged the salaries of some foreigners working abroad at U.S. embassies and other places at less than $1 per day.

Two days after the report was released, the inspector general’s office said it’s not $1 a day.  It’s $4 a day.

The Bengals will apparently be able to clear their season ticket holder waiting list.  This is shocking, the Bengals have a season ticket holder waiting list?

Manny Ramirez is telling Dodgers fans he will be staying in top shape during his 50 game suspension for testing positive for HCG, a pregnancy hormone used as a fertility drug.  He also said he is committed to a healthy diet despite his cravings for pickles and ice cream.

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There are rumors that Jon and Kate of  “Jon and Kate plus 8” may split up.  The second most common response to this news is shock.  The most common response “Who are Jon and Kate?”