Posted tagged ‘T.O. Jokes’

Week one – weak one?

September 13, 2010

There were a few things that most the country could be happy about after one week of the NFL season – For starters, we won’t have to hear about the Colts’ pursuit of perfection, again.


Anyone want to start a pool on the over-under for the first week that T.O. will start complaining about Carson Palmer?


T.O. and Ochocinco posed as Batman and Robin for a photo shoot with the Cincinnati Enquirer. I don’t know, after week one seems like the same old Jokers to me.


Meanwhile in Oakland they’re hoping that Jason Campbell isn’t just JaMarcus Russell without the bling.


Wacky prediction, but I’m serious. Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s next job — maybe in 2012? Coach of the San Francisco 49ers. Hey, at least he’s proven he can beat a team coached by Pete Carroll.

Starbucks is taking some heat from conspiracy theorists, because some of their newly redone drive-thru menu boards list Grande (16 oz.) and Venti (20 oz.) sized beverages. But not the smaller Tall (12 oz) drinks, which are still for sale. (Along with the by request only Short (8 oz.).

The company responds that customers requested easier to read boards and that the “Tall” drinks weren’t selling that well. Makes sense, if you need coffee before you get out of the car, smaller probably isn’t going to do it.


But speaking of conspiracy theories, the Colorado Rockies had an almost perfect September in 2009, and they just completed a perfect homestand. Isn’t it about time Selig sent someone to see what’s up with that humidor?

(Explanation of the above for non-baseball junkies. When Coors Field opened, baseballs flew out of the park like it was a little league diamond because of the high-altitude.) After a number of losing seasons, and discovering no pitchers would sign with the team – altitude also means pitches won’t move like they do at sea-level, the team came up with the idea of putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars. The “humidified” or “wet” baseballs behaved much more normally and the run totals went down.

Now, the Rockies have been coming up with all kind of late inning wins at home, and of course it could be just another magical run. But it wouldn’t be that hard to toss in some “dry” balls in the home half of the inning.)

Meanwhile, up in Alaska, it looks like Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would support the Tea Party nominee who won the Republican primary, now will run as a independent in November.

What is it up there in our 49th state. Either they don’t know when to quit, or they don’t know when to finish their job?


Newt Gingrich said of Barack Obama, that the president has a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview. Now, I’m not sure what a “Kenyan” worldview is, but isn’t “anti-colonial” what our founding fathers were up to in 1776?


Inspired by Gary Morton. The humiliated Virginia Tech football program vowed it won’t happen again, next year they’re scheduling Boise Community College and Dollie Madison.

(bit of trivia, Boise State was actually founded in 1932 as Boise Junior College. Don’t tell the BCS.)

Commitment and maturity.

August 22, 2010

Brett Favre apparently stressed his “commitment” to the Vikings in a team meeting. Commitment? Right. Can you imagine Favre at his wedding? “Do you take this woman…” “Uh, I think I …I’d really like to…. can I get back to you on that?”


Vin Scully just announced he will return to the Dodgers for his 62th season in 2011. Let’s hope Brett Favre doesn’t find out about this.

62 seasons? Scully just missed Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.


‎”Eat, Pray, Love,” has now taken in $47 million in two weeks in the U.S. Which must mean at least a few dozen men have now seen the movie.


or

How warm has it been in much of the U.S.? Given a choice between mowing the lawn and going with their wives to see “Eat, Pray, Love” it looks like some men have actually decided to go to the movie.

In an open letter to Cincinnati fans, Terrell Owens says he has matured. This might be true . On the other hand, wine in a box matures too, but that still doesn’t mean you want to touch the stuff.


Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Sunday that he won’t rule out returning to politics. If he can find someone offering an office at a fair price.

Only half of all Republicans and self-identified conservatives favor extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, a new public opinion poll shows.

In related news, 50 percent of Republicans and self-identified conservatives consider themselves wealthy.

from t.c.

Tom Hanks to Lou Pinella – “Crying?, crying?… there’s no crying in baseball!!!!” Oh yes there is, say season’s ticket holders of the Pirates, Cubs, Mets, Royals, Mariners and Orioles

Many Americans say it’s not that they’re anti-Muslim, but a Islamic Center near Ground Zero seems inappropriate near American sacred ground. Well, Turkish Muslims seem to be coping with the McDonalds’ restaurant near the Blue Mosque.

It’s almost T.O time…

August 1, 2009

Terrell Owens doesn’t yet have his first catch as a Buffalo Bill, but he has his own cereal, T.O’s “Honey Toasted Oat”s, made by the same New York company that made “Flutie Flakes.” They chose Toasted Oat cereal because T.O. and Flake were redundant.

The cereal has sold well, and apparently tastes great. The worry is that you wake up later with a headache and wonder, “What was I thinking??


Honda had to recall over 400,000 cars because of a safety issue with their airbags. U.S. automakers have a different safety strategy, “Don’t have anyone drive your cars.”

A Japanese astronaut on the space station has taken part in an experiment by wearing the same pair of underwear for an entire month. Big deal, say residents of fraternity houses across America.

This week in Buffalo

May 16, 2009

This week in Buffalo, former defensive end Bruce Smith was charged with DUI, and fullback Corey McIntyre was charged with indecent exposure for exposing himself to a woman.

So who’d a thunk it, the Bills have this embarrassing a week, and T.O was not involved.

These two arrests were the fourth and fifth for the Bills this off-season. Who do they think they are?  The Bengals?

 

Quit while you’re ahead department. 

The State Department has revised a report that erroneously pegged the salaries of some foreigners working abroad at U.S. embassies and other places at less than $1 per day.

Two days after the report was released, the inspector general’s office said it’s not $1 a day.  It’s $4 a day.

The Bengals will apparently be able to clear their season ticket holder waiting list.  This is shocking, the Bengals have a season ticket holder waiting list?

Manny Ramirez is telling Dodgers fans he will be staying in top shape during his 50 game suspension for testing positive for HCG, a pregnancy hormone used as a fertility drug.  He also said he is committed to a healthy diet despite his cravings for pickles and ice cream.

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There are rumors that Jon and Kate of  “Jon and Kate plus 8” may split up.  The second most common response to this news is shock.  The most common response “Who are Jon and Kate?”

T.O’s reality show…

May 13, 2009

Terrell Owens has begun filming for his upcoming reality show.  This may mark the first time that “T.O” and reality have been used in the same sentence.

No word on what the show will be named.  Since Owens hopes to lead the Buffalo Bills to the playoffs, the show could start off as the “Amazing Race,” until Terrell starts referring to quarterback Trent Owens as “American Idle.”

This may only make sense to “24” watchers.  But Monday night’s episode was about as likely to make people want daughters as, say, “King Lear.”

And this will only make sense to NHL fans.

NASA has sent a mission up to fix the aging Hubble telescope.  How old is the Hubble?  It has pictures of the last Canadian Stanley Cup Champions..

Just a thought.  Elizabeth Edwards says she was naive.  In related news Bud Selig is hailing the suspension of Manny Ramirez as proof that major league  baseball is really running a clean program with good enforcement standards in place.

From all indications, the baseball testing program is so weak that failing a drug test is analogous to losing a spelling bee, to George W. Bush.

 

Speaking of performance enhancing…

Miss California, Carrie Prejean,  wll keep her crown, thanks to a decision by Donald Trump. Tuesday she called a news conference to thank her fans, who have “confided in me that they have found hope and inspiration in my story.” 

Yeah,  nothing says inspirational like posing topless at 17 and having breast implants at 21.  Who are these fans — the managers and customers of  Hooters?