Posted tagged ‘Miss California jokes’

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Personal responsibility, ethics and other jokes.

November 12, 2009

So Carrie Prejean says she was “pressured” into having breast implants, and made a sex tape just to please a boyfriend. Now the former Miss California hopes Americans will buy her book where she talks about standing up for herself….

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Carrie Prejean says she’s been “Palinized,” and talked to Larry King about the “trials conservative women have to face.” Anybody beside me want to give Palin and Prejean a biography of Maggie Thatcher? Lesson one – “Don’t whine.”

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But maybe Larry King was just a little mesmerized by the former beauty pageant winner. He allegedly said afterwards that Prejean was the most impressive conservative woman he has interviewed since Carry Nation.

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Eliot Spitzer, the formerly disgraced, former Governor of New York, is now giving a lecture on ethics at Harvard. You know standards might be falling just a bit when ethical behavior means paying fair market value for a prostitute.

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But back to California, another of those stories you can’t make up – Damon Dunn, age 33, a former NFL player, is now running for Secretary of State. What’s one of the main jobs for the Secretary of State? Running elections. Mr. Dunn has never run for office before, but he says has voted, exactly ONCE. In 2009.

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Let’s see, Meg Whitman, running for Governor, admits to a voting record that is spotty at best. Carly Fiorina, running for Senate, has probably voted even less. And now Damon Dunn, running for Secretary of State, has voted exactly once. What’s the Republican plan here, saving money by eliminating ballots and returning to a Monarchy?

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Or perhaps Whitman, Fiorina and Dunn considering their lack of voting another example of the superiority of the private sector. Why vote when you can just buy the winners?

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Mike Tyson was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for punching a photographer at the United Airlines ticket counter. Which was really surprising. Normally the only people who make people want to punch them at the airport work for the airlines.

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Major League Baseball has started announcing all their awards – Gold Gloves, MVPs, Cy Youngs, etc… Or as the New York Yankees call them – our shopping list.
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the next two are a little tacky. In case by some accident there are people with delicate sensibilities reading this blog. (Hah)

Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California pageant when attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing solo sex acts. As Alex Kaseberg said “Let’s just say it looks like Prejean took it literally when pageant officials told her to go screw herself.”

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But maybe we should give Ms. Prejean the benefit of the doubt. She believes in traditional marriage. Which for a lot of people after a few years ends up meaning solo sex. Maybe it was a training video.

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Finally, back to sports from Bill Littlejohn. “Well, looking at Sammy Sosa’s skin lately, it’s obvious he’s still comfortable around the bleachers.”

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The fall of Troy? And other Pac 10 problems.

May 14, 2009

The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave $1000.00 to a friend of O.J. Mayo’s to recruit the star player to USC.

If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this, the incident may be known as “Sinko de Mayo.”

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Sorry, I can’t come up with a better punchline than porn-star Stormy Daniels’ campaign slogan.  Ms. Daniels is running for the Louisiana Senate against David Vitters, the conservative family-values Republican who admitted to being with prostitutes.

Her slogan:  Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly”

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Miss California, Carrie Prejean, now says about the famous gay marriage question,  “I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me.”   

As opposed to what she was trying to do to men with those topless pictures?

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And Sarah Palin defended Carrie Prejean for staying “true to herself.”  Does that mean Governor Palin is giving her daughters permission to get their own breast implants?

 

Arizona State University honored President Obama as their graduation speaker, but declined to give him an honorary degree.  Apparently at ASU, degrees are for those who earn them, unless baseball or football is involved.

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Bill Clinton chastised Dick Cheney jumping into the spotlight and acting like he was still in office  –   Said the former president “It’s over.”

Does this really need a punchline?

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T.O’s reality show…

May 13, 2009

Terrell Owens has begun filming for his upcoming reality show.  This may mark the first time that “T.O” and reality have been used in the same sentence.

No word on what the show will be named.  Since Owens hopes to lead the Buffalo Bills to the playoffs, the show could start off as the “Amazing Race,” until Terrell starts referring to quarterback Trent Owens as “American Idle.”

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This may only make sense to “24” watchers.  But Monday night’s episode was about as likely to make people want daughters as, say, “King Lear.”

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And this will only make sense to NHL fans.

NASA has sent a mission up to fix the aging Hubble telescope.  How old is the Hubble?  It has pictures of the last Canadian Stanley Cup Champions..

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Just a thought.  Elizabeth Edwards says she was naive.  In related news Bud Selig is hailing the suspension of Manny Ramirez as proof that major league  baseball is really running a clean program with good enforcement standards in place.

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From all indications, the baseball testing program is so weak that failing a drug test is analogous to losing a spelling bee, to George W. Bush.

 

Speaking of performance enhancing…

Miss California, Carrie Prejean,  wll keep her crown, thanks to a decision by Donald Trump. Tuesday she called a news conference to thank her fans, who have “confided in me that they have found hope and inspiration in my story.” 

Yeah,  nothing says inspirational like posing topless at 17 and having breast implants at 21.  Who are these fans — the managers and customers of  Hooters?

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Somewhere in the middle of the NBA playoff season..

May 12, 2009

The NBA playoff season just might get finished by July this year.  It’s a shame Monty Python never were basketball fans.. could have put a whole new spin on a famous skit.

“Still no sign of the finals,  still no sign of the finals…”

“How long is it?”

“That’s a mighty personal question…”

(If you don’t know Monty Python, this won’t make sense.  Not that they ever made sense.  If you do know Monty Python then let me congratulation the Lakers Sunday on their dead parrot imitation.”

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How long is the NBA season?  Even Joe Biden complains, it goes on forever…

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The UCLA Bruins will shut Pauley Pavilion for the 2011-2 basketball season while they renovate their famous arena.  The Bruins actually may end up playing home games at the Staples Center.

Which is rough news for the Clippers, just when they’d gotten used to the idea of being the Center’s second best team.

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On Mothers’s Day, the Los Angeles Lakers had a chance to really take control in their series against Houston, especially with Yao Ming out.  But they mailed their cards to their mothers, and then they mailed in the game.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers continued their march towards the NBA finals, sweeping the Hawks 4-0.  In fact, they destroyed Atlanta faster than anyone not named Sherman.

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A woman found a copy of a script for the sequel to the movie “Twilight” in a trash can.  I suppose it would be tacky to say that it’s a shame that didnt happen to the original

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Barack Obama invited the UNC basketball team to the White House. Not only were they the national champions,  but in his ESPN pool the Tarheels were the President’s first pick to win it all.  Which is better luck than he had with his Cabinet. 

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Donald Trump soon will decide the fate of Miss California, Carrie Prejean.  It will be a tough decision for the aging magnate with the young surgically enhanced blonde beauty….  Should he fire her or marry her?

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Religion and torture.

May 3, 2009

A recent CNN survey found that regular church goers were far more likely to support the use of torture than non church goers.

Well, yeah,  there’s probably a higher pain threshold if they can sit through sermons on a weekly basis.

 

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Another example of why it’s “The most exciting two minutes in sports.”

The CNN.com home page has a story “12 horses have a shot to win the Kentucky Derby.”

And then the banner headline “Breaking news: 50 to 1 longshot Mine that Bird has won the Kentucky Derby.”

No, Mine that Bird wasn’t one of the  12.

 

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Miss Calfornia, Carrie Prejean, is continuing her campaign against gay marriage on Fox News and on the lecture circuit.   And getting a warm reception  from religious conservatives.

Let’s hope it makes up for the fact that she will probably never be served another good meal in her life in a San Francisco restaurant.

And that she may need a bodyguard or at least some protection should she venture into an unfamilar California salon for a touchup.

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You can’t make this stuff up

May 1, 2009

As in  –  Michael Vick – potential  future PETA spokesman.   

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And Miss California,  Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road.  Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman.

She says, among other things, that  “God was testing my character and faith. I’m glad I stayed true to myself.”     Apparently truth has nothing to do with cup size.

But you have to hand it to her on priorities.  Ms Prejean was willing to risk losing the pageant by honestly answering a question about what she believes to be unnatural gay marriage.  But she wasn’t  not willing to lose it by showing up with her natural cleavage.

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So the economy is in shambles, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy, and the swine flu might be a pandemic.   And a Texas Congressman has introduced a bill to prevent the NCAA from crowning a national football champion unless that champion comes out of a playoff system.  Good to see Congress is on top of things:

 

Actually it would be an interesting bet – will the U.S.bring down Bin Laden before we bring down the BCS?

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Well,  for those who remember Hillary Clinton’s primary comment that Barack Obama was not a Muslem “As far as I know…:”

We’ve got a contender to top that: 

Brett Favre’s affirmation of his retirement:  “At this time.”

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Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he is retiring as of June  so he can return to a quiet life in New Hampshire.   President Obama accepted the retirement, but  simply asked Souter that before he leaves, could he also tell Clarence Thomas about the joys of rural New England?

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With all the school closings, this “swine flu” has to seem like a real gift to schoolchildren who have been ready for summer vacation for months.   The only way it could be better, if it were “broccoli flu.”   (Or anything else transmitted by eating vegetables.)

 

And finally, from the very funny Derek Wilken of Calgary, Alberta, on U.S.  officials advising citizens to avoid large crowds during the swine flu scare: “They are suggesting people stay home or stick to sparsely populated areas like the Yankees’ box seats.’’

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