Posted tagged ‘Cheney jokes’

Derby eve.

May 6, 2016

Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.

 

The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?

 

Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing

In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger.  Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?

Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.

A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?

Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?

The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.

Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. ‪#‎andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird‬

GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?

 

London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again

And  happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85.   (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)

willie

Hot Potato – “You take him.” “No, you take him.”

December 15, 2014

Former VP Dick Cheney said of what he considers “enhanced interrogation” that “I would do it again in a minute.” Sometimes you get the sense the man is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

 

The Sacramento Kings have fired coach Mike Malone after an 11-13 start. And the NY Knicks are wondering if they fired him for overachieving.

Is it too late for all those who voted against ‪#‎AndrewLuck‬ twice for the ‪#‎Heisman‬ to change their votes?

Compared to other ‪#‎Heisman‬ winners RG3 and now ‪#‎Manziel‬, ‪#‎Tebow‬ looked pretty good in ‪#‎NFL‬

All these pictures and videos of Johnny Manziel’s horrible starting debut for the Browns. Picture I really wanted to see was of Brian Hoyer on the sideline trying oh so hard not to smile.

Meanwhile in the Washington-NY Giants matchup, the Redskins’ Santana Moss lost his temper with the refs, and was ejected during the first half. Making him luckier than his teammates, who had to stay for the entire game.

ESPN’s Jim Bowden gives the Chicago Cubs an A+ for their offseason moves. So they can add another offseason trophy to their collection at Wrigley Field.

Lots of sniping about Ted Cruz’s threatened govt shutdown, like this “You should have an end goal in sight if you’re going to do these types of things and I don’t see an end goal other than irritating a lot of people,” And that was from Orrin Hatch. ‪#‎thiscouldbefun‬

 

Seriously, the Australia hostage situation just sucks.   But a chocolate store? What kind of monster does something evil in a nice chocolate store?  Clearly not a woman.

The now 3-11 NY Jets beat the now 2-12 Tennessee Titans in a battle and get a worse draft pick out of it. And if you really cared about the game and aren’t from New York or Nashville you are probably in need of a life.

 

Who figured this a month ago? Stanford has a postseason game and the SF 49ers don’t.

 

#‎Stayclassy‬. Uber is now in Australia, and they  responded to the hostage crisis – with surge pricing in the area of AUS $100 minimum (US$82), quadruple the normal rate.

Update, an hour after original post:  So now apparently Uber has decided there IS such a thing as bad publicity, and is offering people stuck in the area free rides out…..  #Oops

 

Decisions, decisions.

September 11, 2014

In South Africa, verdicts can take two days. And in Thursday’s’s first day of the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial the judge says Pistorius is not guilty of murder. Wonder if she grew up in Los Angeles?  Or if she wants to move there.

In San Francisco, 49ers announcer Ted Robinson on KNBR-AM said Monday about Janay Rice, “How does she marry him after that? How does she go in front of Goodell? That’s pathetic to me.” And Robinson got suspended two games. The same original suspension Rice got…….

So Ray MacDonald plays after his domestic violence arrest, as Aldon Smith did after his DUI arrest and announcer Ted Robinson gets suspended for his insensitive comments. So is the lesson here in the SF football world, we’ll give you due process on whatever you do as long as you keep your mouth shut?

 

Indiana Pacers star Paul George “I don’t condone hittin women or think it’s coo BUT if SHE ain’t trippin then I ain’t trippin.. Lets keep it movin lol let that man play!” So where’s the app that says “You are a public figure, do you REALLY want to post that?”

Tough Thursday night NFL game for women #SteelersRavens. – the team supporting the alleged rapist against the team that supported the wife beater.

Now according to OTL, several sources are saying Ray Rice told Roger Goodell in June that he had punched his fiancee in an elevator, and “that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again.”. Though the NFL commissioner just said “when we met with Ray Rice and his representatives, it was ambiguous about what actually happened.” Hard to believe, but Rice may come out of this looking better than Goodell.

So is there a 2014 unwritten rule that in Northern California one baseball team must s*ck at all times? #SFGiants #As

Bud Selig today, asked about the Rice/ Goodell situations says that a domestic violence “has been discussed (by MLB), because we’re sensitive to all issues.” Right, another of Selig’s “blue ribbon committees.” Amazed the man hasn’t strained an arm patting himself so hard on the back.

 

Paloaltoonline.com notes that Stanford football is “not ready to push the panic button” after last week’s loss to USC. And based on last week, if the Cardinal offense got close to the panic button, they probably couldn’t hit it.

 

Kanye West went to a hospital emergency room in Australia for “a pretty intense migraine.” About as big a headache as many Americans get hearing about him and Kim?

Sarah Palin on the mess in the Mideast. “War is hell. So go big or go home, Mr. President. Big means bold, confident, wise assurance from a trustworthy Commander-in-Chief that it shall be worth it. Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.” And just imagine, John McCain wanted this woman to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

 

A 6th-grade teacher in D.C. will apologize to students for asking them to draw comparisons between George W. Bush and Adolph Hitler. So they think she should have asked for comparisons between Cheney and Hitler?

(And yes, I know what she did was flat out wrong as a teacher and she should be reprimanded. Teachers should be held to a higher standard. Joke-writers on the other hand…..)

Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon'”

Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ’emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”

 

 

Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?

 

 

Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.

 

 

Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)

Our short national nightmare is over.

June 19, 2014

#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.

British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?

And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?

My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.

John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.

Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.

So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks

Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.

Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.

England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.

New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.

KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names.  Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van.  And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.

(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)

A seriously cool story.  Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714

The Blame in Spain

June 18, 2014

And the pain in Spain, comes mainly from the game.

Who knew. #USA likely to be alive longer in the #WorldCup than #Spain?

 

Dick Cheney today called Obama “dangerous,” and said that foreign leaders had told him they believe the president secretly supports anti-American organizations. “Foreign leaders” confiding in Cheney? Even Donald Sterling may be thinking the former VP is delusional.

 

#JohnnyManziel signed a four-year $8.2 million deal with the Cleveland Browns, with $6.7 million guaranteed. Hope all this money doesn’t go to his head.

Stacy Lewis, the #1 ranked women’s golfer in the world, says she “isn’t a fan” of 11 year old Lucy Li playing in the U.S. Open. “If it was my kid, I wouldn’t let her play in the U.S. Open qualifier at 11, but that’s just me.” Why, because Lewis doesn’t want Li embarrassing older golfers?

Family values story for the day. Five members of a Vermont clan showed up with knives on their belts at an New Hampshire amusement park. And they all ended up in jail after they allegedly attacked police who told them they had to leave the knives outside. If only the family had been armed.

 

 

In Palm Beach, a former porn-star is running for school board after he lost the ability to advertise his math-tutoring business when parents found out about his earlier career.  Ah Florida.   If this guy had a past as a gun-runner maybe that would have been okay?

 

Not 100% sure how I feel about this Redskins name thing, because I’m not very PC. But if you absolutely want to talk insulting and racist, how about the Tomahawk Chop? Not only offensive but more irritating than the wave. (And yes, I know the Braves stole it from the Florida State Seminoles, but that’s a different post.)

The best thing about today’s Redskins patent ruling. Whatever side you’re on, it opens the door to all kinds of parody t-shirts, etc. Should be fun to see American ingenuity and twisted humor in action.

Okay, while we’re at it. The Florida State Seminoles have gotten a pass because they have the support of the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which runs gambling casinos in the state. But 75% of Seminoles live in Oklahoma, and they apparently don’t like the nickname. So is FSU next? Maybe they could be the “Crab Legs”

A New Jersey high school is looking for a mystery hacker who broke into the school’s computer system and changed grades and attendance records. And Silicon Valley firms are looking for the kid to hire him.

Okay, it’s officially time for the #SFGiants to put an ad on Craigslist for an exorcist.

Although, would #Dodgers and #Kershaw like to thank the #SFGiants for tiring the #Rockies hitters out in the late innings last weekend?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “What a strange time it is when the 2 most powerful people in professional sports are V. Stiviano and whoever runs the US Patent and Trademark Office.”

 

 

From Marc Ragovin ”  hear General Motors has a new training film for new hires: Total Recall”

 

Not the Onion.

June 18, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, interviewed for the NY Times Sunday Magazine, told a reporter “that he loves California, vacations in San Diego annually, visits the state about six times a year and might even move here in January when he’s done with his 14-year stint running Texas.” Where’s a border fence when you REALLY need one?

 

 

You really cannot make this sh*t up. “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many” from an op-ed criticizing Obama’s handling of Iraq. By Dick Cheney

The US has captured a “key” Benghazi suspect. So just for a day, many in the GOP are saying “Forget Benghazi, let’s talk about Iraq.”

 

Tragic, really. Chris Bosh, talking about the Heat’s tough season. “There was no, like, genuine joy all the time. It seemed like work. It was a job the whole year.”

(My friend Jon Nedry says,  Nobody had the “do what you love” talk with him when he was younger?”)

 

Oakland starting pitcher Drew Pomeranz, who entered last night’s game with an ERA under 2, broke his right hand punching a chair last night after giving up 8 runs in a loss to the Texas Rangers. And the A’s are in first place. Imagine what Pomeranz might have done if he pitched for the Cubs.

 

Well, they’re consistent. Former GOP Rep. Allen West of Florida wrote today: “Squirrel! Benghazi suspect conveniently captured to deflect attention from all the other nightmares.” I suppose we only killed Bin Laden for the same reason.

 

San Antonio’s Tony Parker -“I think everybody’s gonna come back.” Chairman Peter Holt -“Tim and Manu want to play until they die, somewhat sincerely, actually.” And Brett Favre just went out and bought a Spurs jersey.

Who needs reality television? In Louisiana, congressman Vance McAllister, who ran on a family values platform and was caught making out on tape with a married staffer, said he wouldn’t run again. But now he is “leaning towards” changing his mind. And one of his declared opponents, Zash Dasher, is the nephew of Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson….. This all must be the fault of gay marriage.

 

Rep. Lou Barletta (R-Pa.) said yesterday that the House “probably” has the votes to impeach President Barack Obama if the matter was brought to the floor. Well, it would be a change from the votes to repeal Obamacare.

A lot of excited new U.S. soccer fans have a question after yesterday’s big win over Ghana. So is this World Cup thing 3 out of 5 or 4 out of 7?

 

While celebrating the #USA win over #Ghana, maybe millions of Americans could take the time to find Ghana on a map. #Geography. #WorldCup

 

 

In California, lawmakers today rejected a bill that would have put a label on sugared sodas, energy drinks and fruit drinks saying “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” Gosh, because now people think they are drinking that stuff for their health?

Rick Perry, saying he’s “preparing” for 2016 and trying to step away from his comments on gays last week ““Actually it was a pure economic message in San Francisco until a question from the audience.” Well okay then. Because as a candidate for president he’ll never get sidetracked by questions…

A Senate panel today slammed Dr. Oz for his claims for “miracle” weight loss products – “The scientific community is almost monolithically against you.”. Guessing Dr. Oz will soon demand the hearing be transferred to the GOP-led House.

 

Well, it doesn’t just happen to the little people. This tweet today “Hey @united landed in Dublin yesterday morning from Newark and still no golf clubs… Sort of need them this week… Can someone help!?” The tweet? Rory McIlroy. And he needs them for the Irish Open….

 

The gangs that couldn’t shoot, period.

December 4, 2013

The San Antonio Spurs and Minnesota Timberwolves were to play a game in Mexico City Wednesday night,  but the arena was evacuated before tipoff because of smoke inside the arena. This would never happen if the Knicks and Nets were playing. Neither team is hot enough to generate smoke.

 

 

The Knicks and Nets are playing Thursday night. Do NBA rules require that someone really has to win?

 

Carmelo Anthony says the NY Knicks are the “laughingstock of the league” right now. And the Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Who are we, chopped liver?”

The Raptors blew a 27 point third-quarter lead last night in losing to the Golden State Warriors. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to Toronto recently not involving Rob Ford.

Krispy Kreme shares fell 20% yesterday after disappointing earnings. Maybe analysts got a little too over-optimistic with those new marijuana legalization laws.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin has been fined $100,000 for his sideline interference with Jacoby Jones. Hmm, sounds like Tomlin could have saved $50,000 by just spilling a drink on him.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West may have their wedding at the Palace of Versailles.    Thinking of what happened to the couple who last used the place…   And just guessing the Kim and Kanye weren’t big history students?

(maybe they’ll be married in the Petit Trianon. With lots of cake?)

 

 

Scientists are working on developing an artificial heart without a pulse. Big deal. Dick Cheney has lived 72 years having a pulse without a heart.

Willie Meggs, the State Attorney handling the sexual assault investigation of Florida State QB Jameis Winston said he will announce the investigation results tomorrow at 2 pm. Meggs added that the investigation was “not based on a football schedule or anyone else’s calendar.” And he said it with a straight face.

San Francisco area news stations are making much of the fact that the weather is expected to be near freezing tonight. And on the East Coast they are thinking “Just STFU.”

From Alex Kaseberg:  “Dennis Rodman has launched his own line of vodka. Which is pretty much like a fire launching its own line of gasoline.”

Monday mourning quarterbacking….

October 3, 2011

The Eagles blew a big second half lead against the 49ers, the Phillies blew a 4-0 lead against the Cardinals. Well, at least for one day no one can say that Philadelphia fans didn’t have plenty to boo about.

Lions 34-Cowboys 30, Tigers 5-Yankees 3. Best day for Detroit in recent memory not involving a government bailout.

And let’s see, the Lions won, the Tigers won, and Michael Vick lost. Not a bad afternoon for the cat lobby.


Song for Monday on Philadelphia radio “Cry like an Eagle?”


From Gary. M. “With the stock market on a continuous death drop, I’ve renamed my retirement fund the Boston Dead Stocks.”

But who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Lions 34, Cowboys 30. My guess is that in 49 of 50 states, people are reacting to this news with smirks, smiles or outright laughter. (And maybe in Austin too.)

For SF Giants fans going through Brian Wilson “torture” withdrawal, may I suggest watching a replay of the Tigers’ Jose Valverde’s ninth inning performance against the Yankees. All that was missing was the beard.

Dick Cheney said Sunday “I think the decision that’s been made with respect to allowing gays to serve openly in the military is a good one.” Well, good for him. Shame considering that Cheney feels this way about “DADT” that he was never in a position of power with the ability to do something about it.

John McCain says he “admires” N.J. Governor Chris Christie, but as far as entering the Presidential race, he warned that “the swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in.” Translation, just wait they remember you support civil unions, have been at times supportive of illegal immigrants, and actually believe in science.

Interesting, WordPress advises bloggers what terms people who found your blog were searching for. The number one, two and three searches Sunday all related to the Red Sox choking. Well, Red Sox fans, maybe next week we can add “Yankees choke jokes” to the list.


Interesting also watching the Tigers-Yankees on TNT Sunday. Many fans, including SF Giants fans believe the national media is prejudiced against their team. Beginning to think it’s actually quite simple, the media is prejudiced against anyone who isn’t the Yankees.

Actual serious comment for a change:

Barack Obama at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner: “We don’t believe in being silent when an American soldier is booed… You want to be commander in chief? You can start by standing up for the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States, even when it’s not politically convenient.” Nice to see lately that the President seems to have rediscovered his cajones

Such a deal.

September 14, 2011

A “Living Social” deal in the SF Bay Area today allows people to buy $20 worth of food at Whole Foods for $10. Cool. That’s enough to buy at least three or four pieces of fruit.

An article in the Atlantic estimates that employees playing Angry Birds is costing employers $1.6 billion a year in lost productive time. And just imagine how much more time is lost by employees posting this kind of story.


On a radio show Tuesday, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones declined to criticize his QB, saying he thought Romo “played one of the best games I’ve ever seen him play.” Jones will get no argument from New York Jets fans.

Looks like we’ve made it – college football division. The NCAA found Boise State guilty of numerous violations for prospective and enrolled student athletes (with the football violations totalling 63 young men “over a lengthy period of time.”)

The athletic department has lost scholarships and was put on three-years probation, but the only post-season ban will be a year for the women’s tennis team. Yeah, that’ll teach them.


Only one week into the NFL season, and many fans and those in the media are already writing off several quarterbacks. But knowledgeable fans are waiting for the real sign of desperation – the first team to contact JaMarcus Russell.

According to the NY Post, Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is “irate” that the Mets went public wih news that his office had prevented players from wearing NYPD and NYFD caps on Sept. 11. Makes sense. Selig would rather the world not know when he behaves like a jerk.

The Boston Red Sox got off to one of their worst starts ever, then looked great for about 100 games. And now, although they won tonight, Boston is dancing on the edge of one of the potential worst collapses in major league baseball history. Amazing. Even Mitt Romney is more consistent.


Dick Cheney said during an appearance on “The View” today, that he hadn’t decided whether he wants a heart transplant. Wonder why the former V.P. is even thinking of a new heart now. He’s survived this long without one.

A special election in Anthony Weiner’s heavily Democratic congressional district went to a Republican, this after a May special election in a heavily Republican district in upstate NY went to a Democrat. The talk is whether or not these elections are referendums on Obama. But it seems even more likely that New Yorkers are saying they are just fed up with Congress.

TaylorsGift.org was inspired by a 13 year old girl who died in a skiiing , and became an organ donor for five people. It’s a great site to help people register as organ donors, and in fact in all seriousness I encourage any reader who hasn’t signed up for organ donation to do so. (I have done so myself).

But Taylorsgift is now running commercials geared towards young people saying “In less than 90 seconds you can become a hero by becoming a registered organ donor” with “just a few clicks.” Yeah, and if you do it while driving, you can become a donor sooner.

Okay, I’m not generally a big defender of Gov. Rick Perry. But he is getting slammed by Palin and Bachmann and others for signing a Texas law requiring sixth-grade girls to be vaccinated for HPV, a sexually-transmitted virus that can cause cervical cancer. And the same people criticizing him are against mandated health care for girls and women with cervical cancer.


And regarding those in the debate audience who seemed in favor of letting the 30 year old without health insurance die, well, now we know. They’re against government death panels because THEY want to be the death panels.

Dancing with the Idea of Being a Star:

September 7, 2011

Chaz Bono is facing criticism as a “Dancing With the Stars” contestant from some who claim it’s not about the transgender issue, but about the fact that Chaz is only a “star” by virture of having famous parents.

Right, as opposed to being someone who earned their stardom by both having a famous parent and getting pregnant at 16.


But let’s be real. Would any actual star (as opposed to “wants to be a star”, “used to be a star”, or “thinks being on reality tv made them a star”), actually have any interest in being on the show? Just asking.


The Baltimore-New York game ended after 2a Wednesday morning at Yankee Stadium. No extra innings, just a four hour rain delay. It could have been worse – if there was a similar rain delay with a Red Sox-Yankees game, they’d be lucky to finish by daybreak.


Meanwhile, the New York Mets-Florida Marlins game went to the 12th in South Florida. Anyone want to hazard a guess on how many dozen fans were left in the stands?

Eddie Murphy is the host of next year’s Oscar telecast. Is he going to appear as his live or animated version?


Carol Bartz is apparently out as CEO of Yahoo. This surprised many people in Silicon Valley, who based on results were unaware that anyone was actually running Yahoo.

Regarding California’s Proposition 8, the now-overturned but soon-to-be-appealed anti gay marriage ban, I have one question: With all the major GOP presidential candidates running on platforms that are anti-government intrusion, how come not ONE of them has come out and said that legislating marriage like this is a waste of time and money?


When Wolf Blitzer asked him about the Bush administration record, Dick Cheney responded “I’m not inclined to make any mea culpas.” And later the former V.P. returned George W.’s phone call to answer “what’s a mea culpa?”


Ohio State had suspended four players for the team’s season opener against Akron for receiving impermissible benefits. But new coach Luke Fickell said all of them would be reinstated for this week’s home game against Toledo. Yep, the Buckeyes don’t want to be shorthanded when they start playing the tough teams.


Every week in the NFL, teams release their injury lists. In the NCAA this year, will teams start releasing their “suspended, arrested and/or academically ineligible” lists?


Sarah Palin apparently ran an half-marathon in Iowa this weekend. Of course Palin said she would have preferred to run a full marathon but that going halfway was better for the people of Iowa.


For Canadian readers: U.S. college football national champions Auburn paid $950,000 to Utah State to play them, and then barely won 42-38, by scoring two touchdowns in the game’s last three minutes. Heck, for $950,000 Auburn could have paid for a far easier opponent, like the Toronto Argonauts.

It could be worse.

August 31, 2011

When the SF Giants lost a number of close games on a recent road trip, some fans said, “Cheer up, it could be worse. And the team is coming home to play the Astros and Cubs, two of the worst teams in baseball.”

They were right. It could be worse. And it is worse.

When the Arizona Diamondbacks were in a slump, manager Kirk Gibson cancelled batting practice. Maybe the SF Giants should try the same thing. Not like the batting practice is helping anyway.


How bad are things going for the SF Giants this month? Their fans are getting sympathy cards postmarked from Wrigley Field.


Scary statistic for SF Giants fans. Carlos Beltran since the trade has 4 RBIs total. Shortstop Brandon Crawford, now back in the minors, did that his first day in the majors with a grand slam.

An SF Giants employee was charged with embezzling $1.5 million from team payroll accounts. Apparently the team frowns on taking money without earning it. Unless you signed a free agent contract.


These days opposing pitchers worry about facing the Giants the way the Lions worried about facing Christians.

The NCAA has punished current University of Miami football players implicated in the benefits scandal. They were all ordered to repay the improper benefits, but four were cleared to play, and four others must just sit out the first game against Maryland. No word on on what kind of ruler the NCAA used to slap the players’ wrists.

Jeremy Shockey apparently saved one of his new Carolina Panthers teammates from choking today. Shame he couldn’t have saved the Saints last year from choking in the playoffs against the Seahawks.


Bill Littlejohn’s take on the same story: “Jeremy Shocky helped save a teammate that was choking on a piece of meat by dislodging it from his throat. Bruce Bochy immediately sent for him to perform the same maneuver on Giants’ bats”

Despite being bashed by Dick Cheney in his memoirs, John McCain took the high road and “From time to time, we have had differences, as is typical for anyone in public life. I wish the Vice President well and that he remains in good health.” (Rumor has it McCain then quietly added “It’s amazing that modern medicine allows for people to live now without either a heart or a brain.”)


With Texas A & M apparently on the way out of the Big 12, the conference will be looking for new members. If they want a team whose talent level would fit in well, may I suggest the SF 49ers?


Organizers for a tea party rally in Iowa Tuesday blamed an
“internal miscommunication over the event’s schedule” resulting in their rescinding a speaking slot Tuesday for former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. The organizers also blamed random chance for two of them discovering they had been turned into toads.


Now that the rape charges against him have been dropped, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who always maintained he was simply a scumbag, not a rapist, is considering a run for the Presidency of France. And some are not ruling him out. Meanwhile, the French may be getting a dual citizenship request, from Bill Clinton.

Tim Pawlenty apparently quit the GOP Presidential race after the Iowa straw poll because his campaign was already heavily in debt. Over six months before the primaries even started. And T-Paw was running as someone who could fix the U.S economy and balance the budget…..

Irene, we hardly knew ye.

August 29, 2011

Open note to anyone who stumbled upon this blog looking for Hurricane Irene jokes. I live in Northern California (hence the “Left Coast”) And normally I write jokes primarily about sports, politics, but also current events and some pop culture craziness. Feel free to stop by again anytime. Janice Hough.

Now back to the jokes.

First reports on Hurricane Irene in New York. An expensive mess, but underwhelming considering its original potential. Sort of like the 2011 Mets.

As Hurricane Irene slammed into New England, really surprised not to hear any GOP candidates chastising President Obama for not being brave enough to have stayed in Martha’s Vineyard.

From CNN.com “About 2,500 people who defied mandatory evacuation orders were stranded on Hatteras Island (N.C.) after pounding surf washed over dunes, covering roads with water and sand. The flooding cut off the island from the mainland.” I have some sympathy for these idiots. But not very much.


If the country wants to avoid future damage, they should name the next potential big storm “Hurricane Giants.” That way it won’t hit anybody.

Whatever you say about the “Boys from the Bronx.” they are a big attendance draw. And the Baltimore Orioles, who lost a big crowd for a game this weekend due to Hurricane Irene, have rescheduled a game with the Yankees to Sept. 8. NY has not yet agreed, possibly in hopes of never having to play the game. Apparently the Orioles have forgotten a cardinal MLB rule – “It’s the Yankees world, we just live in it.”


Regarding that 22-9 victory by the New York Yankees last week against the Oakland As, my friend Bill Littlejohn commented: “The last time the Yankees had three grand slams in one day: “The morning David Wells ate breakfast at Denny’s.”

An apparently drunk Russian woman started performing erotic dances on a British Midland flight from Moscow to London last Friday. The plane returned to the airport and the passenger was taken to a hospital for observation. In the U.S., airlines would have levied an extra charge for the inflight entertainment.


Texas Gov. Rick Perry, an outspoken critic of the Federal Government, is running to be its leader. Makes about as much sense as having Bristol Palin lead an abstinence movement.

Dick Cheney said his memoir would cause ‘heads to explode” in Washington. Colin Powell today responded. “My head isn’t exploding. I haven’t noticed any other heads exploding in Washington.” Well, the former V.P. is getting up in years. Maybe Cheney confused his writing abilities with his hunting abilities.


Former Secretary of State Colin Powell accused former Vice President Dick Cheney of taking “cheap shots” at him and others in his new book. But maybe what Powell should have said is “We all know how accurate Cheney is with his shots.”

Open note to Bay Area football fans. Our area is known for great food, quirky people, and is used to natural disasters. So for anyone who watched the 49ers and Raiders this weekend looking for less tortuous alternatives, may I suggest temporarily adopting the New Orleans Saints? (Black and gold actually combines half the Raiders and half the 49ers colors.)

Hot and cold.

January 19, 2011

 

The Miami Heat have now lost four in a row.   No punchline, it’s just really fun to write that.

A federal grand jury in Los Angeles has apparently unearthed damaging evidence against Lance Armstrong in their doping inquiry. Okay, Armstrong’s is a great story. But did we ever really believe that when a whole sport was dirty, the cancer survivor winning all the races was also the only one who was clean?

Senator Joe Lieberman said he will not seek re-election. Apparently he thinks it’s time to retire to his lilypad.

The FCC has approved Comcast’s purchase of NBC despite the concerns of some legislators and consumer groups that it might be anti-competitive. Apparently it might have been different had Comcast actually tried to purchase a major network.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Milton Bradley was arrested again, this time for allegedly making threats against a woman.  Is this part of Major League Baseball’s “Seven strikes and you’re out” policy?

Stanford University says they have a problem with “failure-deprived” students, who have never had to dealt with disappointment before. The school has thus launched the “Resilence Project” to present stories of failure from successful people. Wonder if the project includes field trips to Wrigley Field?

Chad Pennington, 34, has decided to try another comeback. This time after his fourth shoulder surgery. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”

Yet another masseuse has come forward to say she received unwelcome text messages from Brett Favre and other members of the Minnesota Vikings. While I realize that not all NFL players are Neanderthals, maybe masseuses and hostesses who deal with them should at least learn the “call blocking” feature on their phones?

And once again, can we all be thankful that texting hadn’t been invented when Bill Clinton was president?

The GOP-led Congress says they want to repeal Obamacare in favor of their own healthcare reform plan, although they have not provided details. My question….just where was this plan when they controlled the Presidency and both houses of Congess from 2002-2006?

Sargent Shriver died today at the age of 95. Or as John McCain said “So tragically young.”

Dick Cheney said that he is considering a heart transplant. Why now, when he’s lived fine for 69 years without one?

From my friend Jerry Perisho:  Bill Clinton is in Chicago campaigning for Rahm Emanuel. At least, that’s what he told Hillary he was doing.

New oxymoron : SF Giants situational hitting

June 29, 2010

The way the SF Giants situational hitting is going, I think actually truth in advertising would be to refer to base runners as “men in double play position.”


Seriously, that moment in a game when you either get up and go to the concession stand, or if at home to the kitchen, because you just KNOW you’re not going to miss anything… Now, as a SF Giants fan I don’t want to be too greedy. On the other hand those moments should not be when “your” team puts runners on first and third with nobody out…

Some San Francisco 49ers fans are worried because their former top personnel executive, Scot McCloughan, is now working for the Seattle Seahawks for seven whole days, and they are worried about him giving away valuable secrets.

Note to fans, have you seen the 49ers’ record the past few years? There are no valuable secrets.

Now that the USA is out, heard at office water coolers across America. “Anyone hear who won this morning’s World Cup match? Yeah, me neither.”

Now FIFA is finding out what the PGA world is like without Tiger Woods.

(actually, as a reader pointed out, FIFA is fine. The way I should have written this, now in the US, ESPN is finding out what it’s like televising the PGA without Tiger Woods.)

R.I.P. Senator Robert Byrd, who died today at the age of 92. Although a Democrat, he was popular with members of both parties. John McCain especially liked that Byrd referred to him as “that nice young man.”

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the “Christian Legal Society,” which bars gays from joining, but had sued Hastings law school to get funding and recognition. Justice Alito, dissenting, said it was a “serious setback for freedom of expression.” Wonder if he would have said the same thing had it been, say, a “Witches Legal Society.”

Joe Biden is being criticized for calling the manager of a Wisconsin frozen custard shop a smarta**. So would it have been better if he used the same language as our former V.P. and told the guy to f*** himself?

And while we are using asterisks. Does FIFA really stand for “Feigning Indignation, F**ked Again?”

Regarding all those World Cup flops. Not like U.S. sports fans aren’t used to flopping in the NBA, and players trying to draw penalties in the NFL. Not to mention all the games baseball players play. But this is enough to make fans long for the purity and honesty of professional wrestling.

So that World Cup loss was heartbreaking. When does NFL preseason start?

June 28, 2010

Actually, for U.S. sports fans in limbo, the Canadian Football League starts July 1.

And for those unfamilar with the CFL, they play a high-scoring, three-down, entertaining form of the game. Without vuvuzelas. And the talent level isn’t bad. So far no team has stooped low enough to try to sign JaMarcus Russell.

So give FIFA and its World Cup some credit. Here’s a sport no one paid attention to in the U.S. a few weeks ago, and now their officiating mistakes are making American sports fans forget about Jim Joyce.


What’s the difference between the U.S. and England soccer teams? In the end, about 24 hours.


Now that the ageless Jamie Moyer has broken MLB’s all time record for home runs allowed, he is dealing with a number of jokes about him having given up one of those home runs to Babe Ruth. “Not true,” said Moyer, “The Babe couldn’t hit me.”


Three UCLA football players were arrested this week for allegedly stealing a fellow student’s purse. Stealing a purse? Come on. Guess they should have gone to USC where they would have been paid better.

In the Giants-Red Sox series this weekend in San Francisco, Boston lost Dustin Pedroia to a broken toe, and Victor Martinez to a fractured thumb. Plus Saturday starter Clay Buckholz hyper-extended his knee. So the real winner of the series? The New York Yankees.


According to his daughter, former Vice President Dick Cheney is feeling much better after being treated for pain and a fluid build-up related to his heart condition. But ever vigilant against waste, Cheney wants to have the hospital save the fluid for possible future water-boarding.


There’s no word on what precipitated the medical issue that sent Cheney back to the hospital, though doctors think it could have been a traumatic event. Like a drop in oil prices.

From my extremely funny friend Jerry Perisho

“LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was spotted in South Africa taking in some of the World Cup games. Either that or his wife insisted he buy her a diamond mine.”

Jerry also said that at the global economic summit was in Toronto, in honor of former Pres. George W. Bush, when the moderator opened with “Welcome to the G-20”, President Obama shouted, “Bingo!”

But George W. says that just proves Obama isn’t that smart. He should have reminded the moderate that it’s I-20. G is between 46 and 60.

Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.


There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. SI.com thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.


Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.

Judges and puppets and other craziness..

May 27, 2009

Nike clearly hopes for a Lakers- Cavaliers NBA final, and in fact already has a commercial featuring Kobe and Lebron puppets.

If the Nuggets and Magic end  up in the finals instead, will they be known as the “Put a sock in them” puppets?

For anyone who thinks President Obama’s first pick for a Supreme Court Justice is unqualified, two words:  Harriet Miers.

Dick Cheney has already come out against Barack Obama’s Supreme Court pick.   And former President Bush is still giggling trying to say “Sonia Sotomayor” three times real fast.

 

Dahntay Jones was assessed a flagrant foul after the league reviewed game tape that showed him tripping Kobe Bryant.   This could lead to a suspension if he does it again, along with the undying appreciation of most NBA fans outside of Los Angeles.

Zack Greinke is now 8-1 for the Kansas City Royals.  It’s not that the Royals aren’t used to eight wins in May. But usually it’s the team effort.

 

Sonia Sotomayor, the first Latina nominee to the Supreme Court, is a New Yorker of Puerto Rican descent.   Republicans, casting at any straws in hopes of derailing her nomination, are wondering if there is a history of her ruling in Sharks v. Jets.

Judge Sotomayor issued the injunction that ended the baseball strike of 1994-1995, which brought major league baseball back after 232 days.  Although the timing of her decision may have contributed to the demise of the Montreal Expos, and their eventually becoming the Washington Nationals.  Despite this,  fans in D.C.  still largely support her.

 

Some credit Sotomayor with saving major league baseball.  As opposed to all those balls that suddenly started flying out of ballparks after the strike for no officially discernable reason.

Emerging from the undisclosed location

May 25, 2009

So Dick Cheney, who spent most of his eight years as Vice President largely silent and hidden from view in an “undisclosed location,” has now emerged as one of the most visible critics of the new administration. 

And in a display of bipartisanship, President Obama has asked Cheney if he could suggest Joe Biden follow the same model.

 

One in four Americans admit that they text while driving.  Of the other three, two say they only text while stopped in traffic or at a red light.  And the other one says “what’s a text?”

Arizona Senator John Kyl says he and fellow Republicans may filibuster if President Obama nominates a Supreme Court justice who decides cases based on “emotions or feelings”   Said Dick Cheney – “What are emotions or feelings?”

 

So one question, as President Obama nears his choice for a Supreme Court justice.  Will that nominee be decided before the Senate race between Al Franken and Norm Coleman is decided?

Okay, two questions.  Will there be another election before that Senate race is decided.

The Orlando Magic are leading their playoff series against the Cleveland Cavaliers 2-1, and are a last second Lebron James shot away from leading 3-0.   Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Lakers are involved in a close series with the Denver Nuggets, and could also easily have been down 3-0.

A Nuggets-Magic NBA final?  David Stern saying he would relish such a matchup would be almost as believable as Bud Selig’s denial of baseball’s steroid problems.

Billionaire Tom Golisano says he is moving to Florida because New York has become too expensive.   Apparently not even a billionaire can now afford to take his family to a Yankee game.

Today is Memorial Day, a serious time for Americans to remember those who have given their lives for this country.  And less seriously but more practically in recent times, to remember how much lower gas prices were the week before Memorial Day. 

 

and finally from Jim Barach,

The CDC says that people older than 52 may have swine flu immunity from previous exposure to the strain. In a related story, the CDC also says that John McCain is immune from the Black Plague.

The fall of Troy? And other Pac 10 problems.

May 14, 2009

The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave $1000.00 to a friend of O.J. Mayo’s to recruit the star player to USC.

If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this, the incident may be known as “Sinko de Mayo.”

 –

Sorry, I can’t come up with a better punchline than porn-star Stormy Daniels’ campaign slogan.  Ms. Daniels is running for the Louisiana Senate against David Vitters, the conservative family-values Republican who admitted to being with prostitutes.

Her slogan:  Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly”

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, now says about the famous gay marriage question,  “I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me.”   

As opposed to what she was trying to do to men with those topless pictures?

And Sarah Palin defended Carrie Prejean for staying “true to herself.”  Does that mean Governor Palin is giving her daughters permission to get their own breast implants?

 

Arizona State University honored President Obama as their graduation speaker, but declined to give him an honorary degree.  Apparently at ASU, degrees are for those who earn them, unless baseball or football is involved.

Bill Clinton chastised Dick Cheney jumping into the spotlight and acting like he was still in office  –   Said the former president “It’s over.”

Does this really need a punchline?