Posted tagged ‘ESPY jokes’

A solution to voter apathy?

July 13, 2016

So imagine what turnout could be in November if we put ‪#‎Pokestops‬ in voting booths. #‪#‎PokemonGO‬

 

At Stanford Shopping Center in California, a roving security robot allegedly ran over a toddler’s foot and knocked the child down. Was the robot texting at the time?

So the MLB All-Star Game is over, and now we again realize that after a voting process many people didn’t take very seriously, the result actually counts. Sort of like the GOP primary.

 

Tim Duncan, in talking about his retirement from the NBA, said he could “probably still play, but “It wasn’t fun at times. And I always said when that point comes when it’s not fun anymore then I’m done.”
And many of the 76ers, Knicks and Kobe’s ex-teammates,  for starters,  said “You mean it’s supposed to be fun?”

NBA commissioner Adam Silver just said that Kevin Durant going to the Warriors is “not ideal from a league standpoint.” Well, I’m sure that makes the Lakers feel so much better about their 2011 vetoed trade for Chris Paul.

In Nashville, a man had his face covered with toilet paper while he robbed a store. Witnesses said he appeared a little flushed.

The College Football Playoff is considering moving the semifinals from Dec. 31. “”We’re thinking about if New Year’s Eve is the way to go.”
Uh let’s see, last year’s Orange and Cotton Bowl semi-finals on Dec. 31 had 38.5 & 36.5 % drops in ratings from the year before. What was their first clue?

Interesting to see how many Republicans are upset by GInsburg’s anti-Trump comments and want her to recuse herself in cases going forward. Of course, these are the same people who wanted Scalia to recuse himself when his son was working for the firm George W. hired for Bush vs. Gore. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Forget what she thinks of Trump, now that the 2nd US Circuit Court has denied Tom Brady’s appeal, we really need to know what Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks of the Patriots.

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is on Trump’s VP short list. Before anyone gets the sense that the Donald is considering getting off the crazy train, remember that in 2012 then congressman Pence likened the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding the Democratic health care law to 9-11.

 

As Trump decides on  his running mate, has anyone told Donald unlike marriage, he can’t just trade his choice in later on a younger model?

Trump apparently will announce his VP pick Friday. “It’s a little bit like ‘The Apprentice,” said Newt Gingrich, “You find out sooner or later who the last one standing is.”
Forget “The Apprentice,” isn’t it more like ‘Last Comic Standing.”?

The GOP is reportedly $6 million short of the $64 million fundraising goal they had for the convention next week in Cleveland. Can’t Trump get Mexico to pay for it?

Another reason Tim Duncan might have waited until this week to retire – it was too late for him to have to been “honored” at the ESPYs.

 

 

But the best of the ESPYs, if that’s not an oxymoron, was a great speech, seriously, from Craig Sager, diagnosed with terminal leukemia, “I’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona. I’ve raced with Mario Andretti in Indianapolis. I have climbed the Great Wall of China. I have jumped out of aeroplanes over Kansas. I have wrestled gators in Florida. I have sailed the ocean with Ted Turner. I swam with the oceans in the Caribbean. And I have interviewed Gregg Popovich, mid-game, Spurs down seven..
If I have learned anything through all of this, it is that each and every day is a canvas waiting to be painted, an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning.”

Not ready for Prime-time?

July 15, 2015

Alabama coach Nick Saban, whose Crimson Tide lost to OSU in the college football playoffs, says his “team chemistry from the SEC Championship Game to the playoff was affected by something.” And Saban thinks it was the approaching deadline to declare for the NFL draft. Well, it sure wasn’t their studies.

The reviews are in, and apparently Amazon’s ‪#‎PrimeDay‬ is a ‪#‎Subprimeday‬.

This trend is not in keeping with the God-like nature and dignity of cats. But, okay, it’s funny. #trumpyourcat
trumpyourcat
Donald Trump was bragging today that he is worth $10 billion. That must give such a warm fuzzy feeling to creditors of his four companies that have declared bankruptcy.

 

A Republican congressman from Florida is positing Trump’s candidacy is really a Democratic plot.  Not likely. As if anyone thinks the Democratic party is that organized.
The IRS reported the hold time for customers trying to reach customer service reps between Jan 1-April 18, 2015 was 23 minutes, and that only 37% of taxpayers who called actually got through. Wow Are they trying to run a government agency or an airline?

Florida sure seems determined to win the internet this week. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “A Florida man was arrested for having sex with bound and gagged alligator. He’s writing a book about it called: “50 Shades of Everglades.”

 

 

Dr. Steven Hotze, president of Conservative Republicans of Texas says that gay marriage is to “celebrate those that participate in anal sex.” And they will teach it to kids in schools. Kids will be encouraged to practice sodomy in kindergarten.”

So Hotze thinks that previously kids have been encouraged to practice vaginal sex in kindergarten?

 

 

 

Nothing against Caitlyn Jenner.  Absolutely respect her decision, and she made a very good speech.  But the Arthur Ashe award on the ESPYs should have gone to Lauren Hill. Period.

 

Not that anyone saves a prime space in their trophy room for an ESPY. But okay, Madison Bumgarner loses “Best Championship Performance” not to American Pharoah, but to LeBron James, who DIDN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. I call bullsh*t. Irrelevant bullsh*t, but bullsh*t nonetheless.

(and then they give best male athlete to Steph Curry.  Not a bad choice.  But so Lebron  beats Madbum but  doesn’t even win the best basketball player of the year…?  #anythingbuthonoringabaseballplayerwhoisntDerekJeter

Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon'”

Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ’emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”

 

 

Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?

 

 

Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.

 

 

Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)