Posted tagged ‘TSA jokes’

Colin Kaepernick is looking better and better…

June 27, 2017

Vince Young, upset that he hasn’t been signed this year by an NFL team, is complaining that other “garbage” QBs have jobs and he doesn’t. “I hate to name-drop, but [Ryan] Fitzpatrick is still playing!? He leads the league in interceptions, and he’s still f—— getting paid? I mean, what the f— is going on?”
Well, and who would turn down a chance to have a backup QB with that kind of positive attitude in their locker room?


A rare bit of good news for  SF Giants.  Madison Bumgarner not only making rehab start in Sacramento – he’s taking batting practice. #pitcherswhorake

Must have been a slow news day in Boston – TSA found a 20-pound live lobster in checked luggage at Logan Airport. Apparently this is legal as long as the crustacean is properly packaged. But how long until someone tries to avoid checked bag fees by calling their lobster a service animal?

In Florida, a man spent 90 days in jail because cops suspected he had cocaine in his truck, which a lab eventually confirmed was white powdered drywall. Of course, since this was Florida suppose the guy has to be grateful he wasn’t shot.

Rick Perry got to the  White House press podium today and seemed like he wanted to stick around. Will he come up w/ 2-3 good reasons why he should be Press Secretary?

A woman is suing a Manhattan bar after she tore her ACL because she said they allowed her to ride their mechanical bull while “visibly intoxicated.”
Isn’t being “visibly intoxicated” a requirement for riding mechanical bulls?#Darwinwouldbeproud

Bruce Bochy with the baseball quote of the year after a Fox Sports story indicating closer Mark Melancon’s ending a stretching session is part of the SF Giants problem this year -. “It’s pole vaulting over mouse turds.”

A flight at a Shanghai airport was delayed after an elderly lady threw coins into the engine for good luck. Your move, Florida.

(Don’t tell people going on Disney rides.)


GOP to delay Trumpcare vote until after July 4. If they delay more than 63 days do they have to wait 6 months to try again?

New owners of Toronto Trump Intl Hotel & Tower made deal to have Trump name taken off property. Many wish White House could make same deal.

Ivanka Trump  “I try to stay out of politics” That’s why she chose to leave her business & kids to be “senior advisor to President of US? #WTF?


Pretty amazing that the President who continually rails against “Fake News” retweeted FOUR items from “Fox and Friends” this morning.


Taking off?

May 23, 2017


Presume someone has warned @Cavs assuming they play @Warriors again they will have to show up more than 1 or 2 of 4 quarters? #NBAplayoffs

NFL says they’re relaxing their player celebration rules. #SF49ers are asking “what are celebrations?”

Nike just re-signed Odell Beckham Jr. to a shoe contract reportedly worth about $5 million a year. Waiting for the Laval Ball OBJ diss in 3.2.1…

Top Gun 2, the sequel,  has been confirmed.  Now Maverick will be riding into the danger zone with his left blinker on.

And this time Maverick’s biggest need will be speedy trips to the bathroom.

More details on the man who was subdued on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii after trying to break into the cockpit,.  He apparently bought a one-way ticket late at night with no luggage, smelled of alcohol, had his boarding pass confiscated by police after he opened a restricted door, etc….. and still got on the plane. In related news, TSA at LAX confiscated no doubt at least a hundred bottles of water.

And in related news your “Do we feel safe yet?” moment for today. Client has a nice clear plastic reusable sports water bottle. Forgets to pour all the water out and TSA finds it at Newark. He apologizes and offers to dump it out. Nope. The choice is have the bottle confiscated, OR go back out to end of long line, empty the bottle outside of security and go back through again. #securitytheater


Five  passengers sustained minor injuries while evacuating SF-bound United flight on the tarmac Newark Airport tonight due to engine fire. But the flight, presumably with a new plane,  eventually did take off,   And at least, United didn’t charge a entertainment/slide fee.

RIP #RogerMoore. Saddest thing for many Americans is realizing someone they remember as James Bond was 89 years old.


Melania Trump displaying great hand-eye coordination swatting away her husband’s hand, again. If she hadn’t modeled maybe a WNBA career?

Doesn’t this sound like a teenager’s note home to his parents? “Israel, Saudi Arabia and the Middle East were great. Trying hard for PEACE. Doing well. Heading to Vatican & Pope, then #G7 and #NATO.”


An unnamed “senior administrative official” said “Donald Trump united the entire Muslim world in a way that it really hasn’t been in many years.” #WTF?   Was it Jared or Ivanka?

Former CIA Director John Brennan – Russia “brazenly” interfered in the US election, “actively” contacted some on the Trump campaign, and “I saw interaction that in my mind raised questions of whether it was collusion…” So think President’s staff is trying to get him to delay #FakeCIA tweets until after his foreign trip?


Suspect in #ManchesterBombing was British-born. Not sure what the answer is, but it’s not walls.

Well blow me over.

May 25, 2016

Many Millennials may not remember Ken Starr’s relentless pursuit of Bill Clinton over his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Now Starr has reportedly been fired as President of Baylor University, over sexual assault allegations involving the football team.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.


Understand the frustration of Sanders supporters with the Democratic primary process and rules. But on the other hand, Bernie became a Democrat less than a year ago. It’s kind of like starting to play a sport for the first time and then complaining that you are being penalized or getting fouls called on you because you didn’t read the rule book. ‪#‎stopwhining‬

NFL chose ‪#‎Atlanta‬ over ‪#‎NewOrleans‬ for 2019 ‪#‎SuperBowl‬. “Because we’d all so much rather spend ‪#‎SuperBowlWeek‬ in Atlanta” said nobody.

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ placed Angel ‪#‎Pagan‬ on the DL for the first time in 2016. So congrats to all those who had May 14 in the pool.

So now it’s ‪#‎VinceFoster‬. Can we start a poll on which ancient Clinton conspiracy theory ‪#‎Trump‬ will bring up next?

Stephen A. Smith apologized to “all Canada, Canadians everywhere” for predicting that the Raptors would lose Monday. Now, when is he going to apologize to Americans everywhere for being Stephen A. Smith?

The TSA has fired their director. Wonder how long he’ll have to wait for his severance check.

Buffalo Bills general manager Doug Whaley said in a radio interview about football “Injuries are part of it. It’s a violent game that I personally don’t think humans are supposed to play.”
Waiting to see how much Roger Goodell fines him for this

NPR is reporting that because Uber’s app goes into power saving mode when you are running low on battery, they can tell when your phone is about to die, and they know you are then more likely to accept surge pricing. But of course the ride-sharing company would never raise prices in such a situation, said no one.

Presidential comment – Donald Trump has succeeded because he “tapped a waiting reservoir there of inherent racism.” Well, of course that’s what a black man like Obama would say. Except the comment is from Jimmy Carter. #southernman



A new report says that Donald Trump sued Deutsche Bank to try to get out of $40 million in personal loans he’d used to build the Chicago Trump International Hotel. Trump claimed he couldn’t repay those loans because the 2008 financial collapse was an act of God. Huh…an “act of God?” Well, surely now he will claim it was Hillary’s fault.


Playoffs ended too soon for Tim Duncan but Spurs maybe feeling a little less humiliated losing to 3 seed ‪#‎Thunder‬. ‪#‎GSWvsOKC‬ ‪#‎buzzsaw‬

‪#‎MattHarvey‬ is still strugging for the ‪#‎NYMets‬. Maybe ‪#‎Mets‬ should consider a straight up trade for ‪#‎JakePeavy‬ with ‪#‎SFGiants‬?



Rick ‪#‎Santorum‬ has endorsed ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬. Well the Donald should be thrilled to pick up both Santorum supporters.

I’m going to take my plan and go home?

June 1, 2015

Donald Trump, who is expected to formally announce later this month that he is running for President, told an interviewer “I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”

When asked what it was, the Donald replied. “If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: “Wow, what a great idea.” You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.”

So if Trump doesn’t get elected he’s not going to tell the world ever as punishment for regretting him?


Bruce Jenner has announced that as a woman she will be known as Caitlyn, and appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with gorgeous auburn tresses. Well, fortunately there’s enough money in the family Caitlyn will never need to have a bad hair day.

Have to root for ‪#‎CaitlynJenner‬ if for no other reason than she appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s latest pregnancy out of the headlines.

The Surpreme Court rules in favor of a young Muslim woman who sued Abercrombie and Fitch when they didn’t hire her because she said she had to wear a head scarf. Good for the Court. But have to wonder, if you are religious enough to wear a hijab, why would you want to work at Abercrombie and Fitch?

An American woman was killed at a South African Safari Park when she and her husband ignored signs and written instructions NOT to drive through with their car windows open, and she was bitten by a lion. An Australian man survived a lion bite in March when he too drove through with a window open.

Perhaps the Safari Park needs to change their strategy. Instead of warnings, just post “Visitors who drive through with open windows will reduce our lion food bill.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬



CNN points out that Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected President since 1886. And that Grover Cleveland was accused of having a “love child.” Actually might help Graham to have rumors of an illegitimate kid.




KFC is suing some Chinese companies and demanding an apology over a social media campaign against KFC food, including a rumor that their chickens are genetically modified to have six wings and eight legs. But really, who would believe that KFC uses actual chicken?





After TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs in 67 out of 70 test cases, the acting head of the agency was reassigned. Homeland Security officials said in a statement – “The numbers in these reports never look good out of context.” Uh, is there a context in which a 95% failure rate looks good?



Buster Posey was called out on a play at ‪#‎AT&TPark‬ where a Pirates fan was ruled to have interfered with a PITTSBURGH rightfielder’s attempt to catch a ball that might or might not have been catchable. Hmm… interesting potential strategy for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans on the road.



An optimistic note from Bill Littlejohn  “Husband and wife Tony and Janet Blundy recently made back-to-back holes in one, a feat estimated at odds of 50,000,000-to-one. So, you see—there’s still hope for Tim Tebow.”

Family values?

May 5, 2015

A picture has gone viral of some idiot family -teenagers and dad -proudly posing in front of Tumalo Falls in Oregon, after they carved their initials into the railing. Where is a good mountain lion when you need one?

A Florida couple was convicted and could face up to 15 years in prison for “lewd and lascivious behavior” because they were having sex on a beach during the middle of the day in front of families including children. Thinking this being Florida they might do less time if they had just shot a witness. ‪#‎humpingtheirground‬

New Dallas DE Greg Hardy has already been suspended for 10 games over domestic violence. Now after a Carolina Panthers fan tweeted a picture of Kelvin Benjamin and new draft pick Devin Funchess, describing the new teammates as “The Twin Towers.” Hardy tweeted back “didn’t the twin towers get blown up lol.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Marilyn Hartman, California’s “serial stowaway”, now has been arrested twice at O’Hare for sneaking into a restricted area without a ticket. Wonder if TSA at least confiscated her bottled water?

Regarding this trendy new “‪#‎HowOldRobot‬ new app. Does it automatically add years to your age if you can’t figure out how do to the app?

The ‪#‎Cubs‬ said they will FINALLY open two bleacher sections next Monday. Meaning beer sales at ‪#‎WrigleyField‬ for 2015 are about to double.

Floyd Mayweather says he is willing to fight Manny Pacquiao again. The bigger question might be who is willing to pay to see it. ‪#‎foolmeonce‬


Sign of the apocalypse? Donald Trump actually said something I agree with.on Fox News. That the shootings at the “Draw Muhammad” contest were “disgusting,” But “she (Pam Geller) is taunting them… it’s risky for her. I don’t know – maybe she likes risk. But what the hell is she doing, and what is the purpose of it?’ ‘They can’t do something else? They have to be in the middle of Texas, doing something on Muhammad and insulting everybody?’

The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner has to be thrilled with last night’s performance. Not his no-hitter into the 7th, and 8 shutout innings despite 4 errors. But Madbum FINALLY broke his 0 for the season with his first hit! Now for that first home run. ‪#‎DHmyass‬

A Florida man was arrested after he tried to cash a check for $368 billion dollars.  Hmm, had he only tried to cash one for $368 million would he have gotten away with it?



Okay, who had as of May 5 that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬‘ leader in RBI’s and HR’s would be ‪#‎BrandonCrawford‬? Now all you liars put your hands down.

Carly Fiorina is now defending her record at HP, saying all her layoffs helped “transform a company from failing to succeeding.” Well, there might be some truth to that, but thinking the firing that most helped the company was her own.


Carson, Fiorina, Huckabee…. who’s next this week? Thinking the fire marshall is soon going to be placing limits on the number on stage for the first GOP Presidential Primary debate?

A sight to behold?

December 3, 2014

In England, George Clooney made an appearance on Downton Abbey for charity.

Women get it. To explain this concept to men, this is the equivalent of NFL football with naked cheerleaders.


Boston’s Mass General Hospital is treating a possible Ebola patient. But of course, this isn’t making major headlines – since the November election is over.


Go figure this targeted FB ad, from Walmart, suggesting that you “not miss a minute of the 49ers game” with Walmart grocery delivery. What do they target supposed Oakland fans with? “Come stand in line at our stores and you don’t have to watch the Raiders game.”?

#‎BlackFriday‬ sales were down, ‪#‎CyberMonday‬ sales weren’t up as much as expected. Uh, maybe because the ‪#‎smallbusinessSaturday‬ and ‪#‎GivingTuesday‬ and the extended everything sales have made Americans think they’d be idiots to buy early?

The NFL is not apologizing for the St. Louis Rams players who came out with their hands up before Sunday’s game. The league presumably is still deciding whether they need to apologize for the play of the Raiders.

The underachieving ‪#‎SF49ers‬ are playing the simply awful ‪#‎oaklandraiders‬ this Sunday. Can we dub this the Grumpy Bowl?

Michigan is apparently firing coach Brady Hoke after a 5-7 season. The Wolverines really now might be a particularly good fit for Jim Harbaugh. If the situation you’re coming into is bad enough, no one cares if you’re an a**hole.

After security lines at Chicago’s Midway Airport stretched over a mile Sunday morning, TSA now said they made a mistake. They opened checkpoints at 4:00am, but due to the holiday, ticket counters had opened at 3:30am. Sort of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their ability to catch bad guys.

Veteran MLB umpire Dale Scott just revealed that he is gay and married to his partner of 28 years. Who knew, an ump turns out to be braver than the players.

NY Jets WR Eric Decker’s wife Jessie says her husband has been “depressed about the team’s season. And season ticket holders are thinking “HE’S depressed? We’re the ones paying to watch this sh*t.”

Rain has hit the San Francisco Bay Area so hard and fast that most networks have barely had time to have their reporters covering the drought over to “Stormwatch.”

Senator Rob Portman said yesterday he will not run for President in 2016. And most Americans said “Who?”

Sleepless in SF Giants uniforms?

August 22, 2014

Money can buy a lot of things, but not travel karma. #SFGiants finished game last night in Chicago about 11p, went to airport for just over 1 hour charter flight. But lightning meant bags could not be loaded, and then additional wait on tarmac for storms to pass. They arrived to DC hotel this a.m. at 615a. On the other hand, maybe being #SleeplessinSF made the team stronger…

Go figure, a team on a 10 game win streak against a team with no sleep.  10-3 SF Giants over the Washington Nationals.  Maybe SF  is just a bunch of nocturnals.

Another sign that Rory McIlroy has been anointed the new Tiger Woods. All the headlines are not about who’s leading, but about how far Rory is off the pace.

Apparently the Buffalo Bills are having so many pre-season intra-squad fights that coach Doug Marrone blew up at his players yesterday. This is shocking to Bills fans who didn’t think their team could hit anybody.


Not that Obama’s perfect.. But then there’s Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), who said this week that the President can’t protect the U.S. from ISIS because “if you’re Commander-in-Chief you can’t be listening to Muslim brother advice on when it’s time to stop destroying Muslim brothers.”

The Saints’ Jimmy Graham was fined $30,000 for dunking over the goalposts after two TDs last weekend. So the New Orleans tight end would have saved money had he just flipped off his defenders twice.

North Texas, SMU and Troy University will start selling beer at football games this year, bringing the total of on-campus stadiums with beer sales to 21. Apparently schools that have already changed the policy haven’t reported an increase in bad behavior. Maybe because if fans could buy a beer in the stadium they wouldn’t feel the need to chug several of them pre-game


She’s SO past her 15 minutes: V. Stiviano is now claiming Donald Sterling is gay and that she was just his beard during their relationship. Right, because if you really need a beard if you are a prominent conservative gay man who isn’t married. Oops,never mind.

TSA at SFO says they have over 20,000 items left behind at checkpoints just this year, including a wheelchair. Thinking if someone claims that chair maybe they need their disabled placard taken away.



Johnny Manziel was fined $12,000 for his one-finger salute to the Washington bench. So about half the fine as if he had done something TRULY offensive, like wearing the wrong brand of socks.

This Rick Perry indictment stems from trying to remove Rosemary Lehmberg. a Texas DA, from office after a DUI arrest. And Perry believes he was “lawful, legal and right” to do so. Okay, fair enough. But there have been two other Texas DAs arrested for DUI while Perry has been governor (Rick Harrison in 2009, and Terry McEachern in 2003), and he didn’t have a problem with them. Nor for that matter do I remember the Governor complaining about the DUI’s of Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

A University of Denver study found that couples who had wedding ceremonies with 150+ guests were much happier than couples in the study who had 50 guests or fewer. Maybe because after dealing with that many friends and relatives, your mate seems pretty sane by comparison.

The NCAA denied Dorial Green-Beckham’s request to play football at Oklahoma immediately after transferring. The star WR was kicked off Missouri’s team after two marijuana arrests and allegedly pushing another Missouri student down at least four stairs. Well makes, sense, Green-Beckman doesn’t sound ready for college football, he sounds ready for the NFL.


From Jim Barach:  “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

From Bill Littlejohn:   In London, Big Ben just had its clock cleaned. But Buckingham Palace said not to worry, it’s just the preseason.

Hall of Fame and Shame?

July 28, 2014

Greg Maddux once threw a complete game in an 1 hour and 46 minutes, and threw another complete game in 76 pitches. (63 strikes.) Both records equaled in about two innings of an average Red Sox-Yankees game

Another thought about the baseball Hall of Fame, and the steroid-era players. Have been hearing a lot about how the Veterans’ committee won’t put them in because so many of them are anti-PEDs. But of course, players from other eras don’t consider what THEY took to be PED’s. #greenies

Two young men kayaking in Jamaica Bay, NY lost their paddles, and ended up washing up near a runway at JFK Airport, without being detected by the airport’s $100 million security system. But on the other hand, this weekend at JFK, TSA did confiscate probably 1,000 bottles of water.

So did you hear who won the #tourdefrance ? Me neither


Have heard some say if sanctions are lifted against Cuba that MLB will be full of Cuban players. On the other hand, thinking right now that many Cuban kids grow up completely focused on baseball without distractions. Give them fast food, U.S. television, smartphones and other tech toys…and who knows. Their fundamentals may end up as sloppy as those of many U.S. kids.

Lebron James is going to go back to #23 with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Stand by for the ESPN miniseries on how he arrived at that decision.

Byron Scott, 53, has signed a 4 year deal to become the Lakers new head coach.  With all the  LA “veterans” Scott would fit right in as a player coach.

Will Clark is 50 years old. And were he in uniform he had a better chance of getting a hit Sunday night than #22 Dan Uggla #retire22 #SFGiants



Sarah Palin has a new subscription-based Internet network, #SarahPalinChannel, which will feature her commentary and the ability for subscribers to ask questions. Monthly subscriptions will cost $9.95, but the show will presumably suddenly stop halfway through each month.


Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who’s running again against Rick Scott, about Scott’s and Marco Rubio’s “I’m not a scientist” dodge of the global warming question. ““I’m not a scientist either, but I can use my brain, and I can talk to one.

(Alas, in Florida sometimes it seems like open minds are more discouraged than open carry.)



Carolina DE Greg Hardy was convicted this month of assaulting a female – his ex-girlfriend – and communicating threats. He was sentenced to 60-day suspended jail sentence and 18 months’ probation, and will not talk about the incident except to say “I hate that I have distracted my team.”

The Panthers said they will wait to see what the NFL does, and not suspend Hardy pending the outcome of his appeal in a jury trial. (Which will be after the season) I’m sure the fact that he’s a Pro Bowler has nothing to do with it….


Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon'”

Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ’emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”



Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?



Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.



Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)

NL Power outage.

July 15, 2014

Seriously??!   ONE home run gets Todd Frazier to the Home Run Derby finals representing the NL? #ShouldhavepickedMadbum

Thought after watching round one of the Home Run Derby;  Yasiel Puig is no Madison Bumgarner. #SFGiants. #Dodgers

If they ever have an All-Star Game and Home Run derby in pitcher friendly Petco Park, is there a provision for ending it with penalty kicks?

Apparently the SF Bay Area had some of the highest World Cup television ratings in the U.S. For that soccer can thank Northern California’s cultural diversity, advantageous game times with Brazil being only four hours ahead, and oh yeah, the fact the the SF Giants s*cked throughout the month that the tournament was on.



Today begins a four day stretch without regular MLB games. So Cubs fans looking for their regular experience in the meantime will just have to bang their heads into the wall.

So how long until other teams start intentionally walking Madison Bumgarner with the bases loaded? #SFGIants #Grandslam #MadBum

Apparently Archie of comic book fame will be shot and die in the next issue while trying to protect a gay friend. Waiting to see how the GOP spins this as another reason to impeach Obama.

High school basketball star Emmanuel Mudiay, who had committed to SMU, says he will instead play professionally overseas. What a shame. By skipping college Mudiay could be giving up some of the potential best few months of his life.

The Cleveland Browns are planning to use a live bull-mastiff as their mascot this fall. Of course Browns fans are hoping the real dog doesn’t turn out to be Johnny Manziel.

The 2016 campaign sniping is in fine form. Like this line about Texas Gov. Rick Perry: “Apparently his new glasses haven’t altered his perception of the world, or allowed him to see it any more clearly.” From Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden? Nope, fellow Republican Rand Paul.

TSA surcharges on airline tickets are more than doubling July 21, from $2.50 to $5.60 per flight, with extra charges for layovers of more than 4 hours. As far as paying for misery, these fees are becoming the travel equivalent of alimony.



Happy belated Bastille Day. And we Americans think we celebrate violence. These lines translated from the first first and chorus of “La Marseillaise”. “The bloody flag is raised. Do you hear in the countryside, The roar of these savage soldiers They come right into our arms To cut the throats of your sons….,To arms, citizens! Form up your battalions Let us march, Let us march! That their impure blood Should water our fields….”

Not quite slip sliding away

May 4, 2014

A Norwegian cruise ship was stuck in the Hudson River this morning. Wonder if anyone on board had annoyed Chris Christie.


It took less than three hours to tow the cruise ship that was stuck on the Hudson into port. Still no doubt disappointing passengers who wanted to get home earlier. And really disappointing CNN that the ship wasn’t stuck out in the Atlantic.


A woman was arrested at Oakland Airport when TSA found 81 POUNDS of marijuana in her three checked bags. And worse, she probably didn’t get her baggage fees back.


Aww moment, and nother reason to love California Chrome. Owner Steve Coburn, about watching the Kentucky Derby – “Our dream child doing exactly what we thought he could do when he was a baby.”

Hall of Famer Jim Brown “The NCAA is the most reprehensible organization God ever created.” And God responded “Don’t blame me, I didn’t do it.”


Heisman winner Jameis Winston, who has been the closer, and one of the better players on the FSU baseball team,  been reinstated to the Seminoles’ baseball team.  This after  completing his  20 hours of community service.for shoplifting crab legs just last Tuesday.  Well, if consistency is a virtue, good to know the SEC baseball teams are as much talent whores as their football equivalents.

From TC .  “The NBA wants to punish Donald Sterling by forcing him to sell the Clippers and then use the proceeds to buy The Harlem Globetrotters. If they really wanted to punish him, they would make him purchase the Washington Generals.”


Is it safe?

April 22, 2014

Security folks are still trying to figure out how a teenage boy was able to get onto the San Jose airport tarmac and into the wheel well of a commercial jet. On the brighter side, TSA said that day they did confiscate over 100 bottles of water.


Apparently Lindsey Vonn and Elin Nordegren have become good friends. Makes sense, Elin wants to know about her kids’ potential stepmom, and LIndsey wants to know how to check Tiger’s cellphone.

A New Jersey cardiologist, trying to get out of paying $135,000 for FOUR visits to a strip club. claims he was drugged during each visit. Jeez. The guy is smart enough to get into med school, and he can’t think of a more creative excuse?

The teenager who stowed away in the wheel well of that Hawaiian Airlines flight said he was trying to see his mother in Somalia. So give him an A for effort and an F for geography.

On the Late Show last night, Courteney Cox said last night again that the “Friends” reunion is “not gonna happen.” Translation. no one has yet given them enough rea$on$.

It will cost the Buffalo Bills about $3 million to settle a class action lawsuit for sending too many text messages to fans. So presumably the team will only send their fans one text to explain why this settlement means a rise in ticket prices.

AOL is reporting that their email users have been hacked. Shocking. AOL still has email users?

Inside airline humor:  The SF Chronicle’s Leah Garchik reports there will be a 50th reunion this weekend of Pan Am Class 12, 16 women who trained together in 1964 to become stewardesses. And then presumably after the reunion many of the women will go back to work as flight attendants on United’s Hawaii routes.

Bob Dole, 90, in an interview said his “main concern about (the 2016) elections is that, well, I just hope I’m still around to vote then. If not … I plan to vote absentee.” If Jimmy Carter had said that the GOP would be screaming about potential voter fraud.

More from Bob Dole “A number of the younger members, first-termers like Rand Paul, (Marco) Rubio Morand that extreme-right-wing guy – Ted Cruz? All running for president now. I don’t think they’ve got enough experience yet.” So maybe Dole secretly wants to run again with John McCain?

At this point opposing pitchers facing the #SFGiants hitters must feel the way cats do when they stumble upon a convention for disabled mice.

Well, as frustrated as the #SFGiants are, at least their players aren’t likely to be involved in a brawl. None of them can hit anyone.

Be careful what you wish for?

April 13, 2014

Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.


SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”


Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?


OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?


Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

VOTE and other four letter words….

October 7, 2013

John Boehner this morning: “The votes are not in the House to pass a clean debt limit.” Gosh. If there were only a simple way to find out whether or not the Speaker is right.

And Boehner says while refusing to let the House vote on a clean bill simply to end the shutdown, President Obama “has my number.” What? 1-800-Douchebag?

Canadian-born Texas Senator Ted Cruz today linked raising the debt ceiling to defunding Obamacare. Amazing, a man born in a country where everyone has healthcare, working in a job where everyone has healthcare, doesn’t think everyone else deserves healthcare.

Bizarre fact about Stanford football this year. The only game that is not sold out is the “Big Game” against Berkeley. Of course, as my friend Michael McNabb put it, “Cal is taking a bye year.”

Back to sports for a bit:

#AndrewLuck does what his former coach couldn’t do this year. Beat Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Pittsburgh Pirates team payroll, about $66 million. $7 million less than A-Rod, Vernon Wells and Alfonso Soriano by themselves.

Okay, who had the New Orleans Saints and KC Chiefs 5-0 and the NY Giants 0-5? Now all you liars put your hands down.

51-48.  So who decided that today the Cowboys and Broncos were going to play arena football?

A 9-year-old boy got through security and onto a Delta Air Lines flight at Minneapolis Airport without a ticket this week. But no doubt TSA found and confiscated his bottle of water?

Manti T’eo and the San Diego Chargers played the Raiders in Oakland Sunday night, and fans in the “Black Hole” had a banner ready: ““R.I.P. Lennay Kekua.” Well, that might answer one question, where do Stanford Band members go after they graduate?

From Jim Barach  “California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.”

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars. – See more at:

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Jim Barach of WCH

– See more at:

At the California GOP convention, many attendees said they were worried about mid-term elections after this shutdown to repeal Obamacare. Well, maybe Boehner will just lead the next shutdown to try to repeal the 19th amendment.


British newspapers are reporting that Prince Harry may soon marry his girlfriend Cressida Bonas. Prompting a singular response from male British royal watchers – WWPW – What will Pippa Wear?


Apparently U.S. forces have captured a major Al Qaeda leader in Libya, a man who was wanted for the 1998 bombings of U.S. embassies in Africa. Finally, something for which the GOP will not blame Obama.

Misery loves company.

August 11, 2013


Judge ordered a 60 day cooling off period in the BART negotiations. This process is beginning to look like it’s about as productive and will drag out as long as the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce.

Who needs “Breaking Bad” in San Francisco. Giants fans already got their dose of “Breaking Ball Bad” today when Zito took the mound in relief.


Kevin Federline has gotten married again.  See ladies, it’s not just the good ones who are taken.

Rockie FSU QB Jameis Winston told reporters “”If I get ‘Manziel disease,’ I want every one of y’all to get your mics and just start [hitting me] on the head.” Well, this should be fun if the Aggies and Seminoles meet in a bowl game.

ESPN headline “Tiger finishes PGA at 4 over.”   Gosh, did they cancel the rest of the tournament afterwards?

Alas for the comedy writers of the world, Stephanie Banister, who this week referred to Islam as a country, has dropped out of her race for a parliamentary seat in Australia. But here’s one more gem: “”Jews aren’t under haram (sic), they have their own religion which follows Jesus Christ.” Ah, Stephanie, we hardly knew ye.

Two customs agents at JFK were sickened by a substance that authorities originally thought was nerve gas, but apparently turned out to be ordinary nail polish remover. Stand by for one more thing that TSA may now look to confiscate. Sigh.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner just left a two-week behavior therapy program a week early. What’s with this guy? First he thinks he’s Herman Cain, now he thinks he’s Lindsay Lohan?


The GOP is calling for a Presidential primary debate boycott of NBC if they air a miniseries about Hilary Clinton. Turns out the show may be produced for NBC by another company: Fox Television Studios (sister company of FOX News.) Oops. One might just think the GOP doesn’t want their debates aired at all….


Not so Gentle Readers?

June 11, 2013

Hmm… so WordPress gives me a count every day of the number of people reading this blog. Wonder if NSA is included?


Interesting how so many people who are upset about the government knowing what phone #s you call have no problem at all with email companies actually reading your email and targeting you with ads based on them. For starters.

Leaving aside the larger issue of the PRISM program that Edward Snowden exposed, anyone but me just a bit uneasy how a high school dropout who didn’t finish Army basic training went from being a security guard at NSA to a high level contractor with top security clearance?

Really? TSA stopped actor Peter Mayhew, Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies, when he was returning from ComicCon for using a cane that looked like a light saber. They finally let him on the plane. #Maythefarcebewithyou

After Chad Johnson playfully smacked his attorney on the butt today in court, an angry judge rejected a no-jail plea deal and sentenced the former NFL star to 30 days in jail for a probation violation. Talk about a penalty for excessive celebration.

So now JaMarcus Russell has taken his NFL comeback efforts to Baltimore. Where no doubt Ravens fans are thinking “Nevermore.”


Eight elderly women who had hired a limo for a friend’s 96th birthday escaped unharmed Sunday when that limousine caught fire. Wonder if the fire started with the left blinker overheating from being left on.


Obama administration official are saying they had 22 separate briefings/meetings for Congress about NSA’s monitoring of Americans. The audacity! They actually expect Congress to pay attention in meetings?

Glee star Jane Lynch and her wife, Dr. Lara Embry are divorcing after only about 2 1/2 years after their wedding. Well, guess it’s some kind of equality when gay celebrities can make marriage choices that are as bad as the straight ones.


Got to love it, so “Bachelorette”, a show reportedly about finding a soulmate, marrying and living happily after, is followed immediately on ABC by “Mistresses.”

Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods shook hands today at the U.S. Open. Thereby disappointing millions of Americans who really wanted to see a version of “Celebrity Boxing.”


Open note to SF Giants fans worried about Los Angeles’ new star Yasiel Puig: He does appear to be an awesome talent. On the other hand, it’s still the same old Dodger bullpen….

Stumbling forward into Spring?

March 10, 2013

Just thinking, if we’re going to lose an hour wouldn’t most Americans prefer it to be during working hours on Monday?

Many Americans are worried about the hour they are losing out of their lives this weekend. So they are relieving stress by playing more online games and looking for additional pictures of cats to post.

Marshmallow Peeps are celebrating their 60th anniversary this year. And some of the original products from 1953 no doubt taste as fresh as the day they were made.

Ah nanny states. So starting this week in New York,due to the new surgary soda rule you won’t be able to order a pitcher of Coca Cola when you go out with friends. But you will be able to order a pitcher of beer or margaritas….

Jim Carrey, who originally said he was out of a “Dumb and Dumber” sequel, now says he would consider it. In the meantime, there’s always C-Span.


A major brawl broke out during Canada’s 10-3 WBC win today over Mexico. What did they think this was, a hockey game?


Regarding this WBC brawl between Canada and Mexico, wonder how many baseball people are privately thinking “A few more of these would do wonders for ratings.”

Mariano Rivera, who will retire at the end of 2013, says “The last game I hope will be throwing the last pitch in the World Series. Winning the World Series, that would be my ambition.” So the season hasn’t started, and Rivera already wants to be traded?


RNC chairman Reince Priebus’s said this week that MSNBC contributed to GOP losses in the 2012 election. Shocking?  Someone thinks MSNBC actually has power?

(Maybe he should have complained that Fox didn’t have enough.)

WTF moment. TSA now says bringing 3.5 ounces or more of liquids through security is still forbidden, but small knives including box cutters are okay. Although we have never actually had terrorists use liquids on planes….

If anyone’s tried to bring a partially empty bottle through security, TSA will take it away, even if you have less than 3.5 ounces of liquid inside. Because they say terrorists could mix small amounts of stuff together in a larger container. Fair enough, so then post security – stores selling large water and soda bottles. Sigh.

An JetBlue plane was taken out of service after it was clipped by an Air India jet this morning at JFK. Let the un-PC foreign driver jokes begin…..

First entry from Nick Coombs:   “Geez you’d think the one thing an air India flight could do properly would be the taxi.”


Job Creation?

March 9, 2013

Mitt Romney is returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm. Well, does President Obama get credit for creating at least this one job?

The cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope.   The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church’s idea of a youth movement?

The answer to “Have you no shame?” is sometimes “Yes.”: After President Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act.”. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, “Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law.” Now Cornyn’s Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act WAS rolled into the VAWA bill. Except Cornyn voted AGAINST it.

A news report yesterday on Venezuelans filing past to pay their respects to Hugo Chavez said the leader looked “pale and gaunt.” Gosh, so this cancer thing could be serious.

In talking about all the Yankees injuries, Derek Jeter said “it’s as if someone had voodoo dolls or something.” And in Boston they’re thinking “Who snitched?”

From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about “my plan for comprehensive reform.” : “Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately.” The author? Rand Paul.

An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles.

Hooters is apparently trying to attract women customers by upgrading their food. Here’s another idea, add good looking scantily-clad MALE waiters.

New Math?  Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a “Safeway Select” package of appetizers, it says “Serving size – 5, Servings per container – About 2.” Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container – 8.

The U.K. Daily Mail reports that that in Montana, Gregory C. Rodriguez, the television host of “Rifleman’s Journal” and editor of “Shooting Times Magazine,” was allegedly shot dead by the husband of woman he was visiting…. Gosh, if Rodriguez only had a gun to defend himself.

So the same week Joy Behar announced she was leaving “the View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck was fired. Women are thinking, “Wow, wonder what happened.” Men are thinking “Who are these women and what view are we talking about?”

From T.C.  ”

Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne.

Threats and no threats

March 6, 2013

TSA announced that passengers will be able to carry sporting equipment including golf clubs and souvenir baseball bats onto planes next month. Members of the the 2013 NY Yankees will even be able to carry full-sized bats, because TSA doesn’t think they will hit anything.

As of midnight, Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez are still dead. 

Just read that Americans waste 1/3 of the food they buy. But bet none of that waste includes chocolate.

Okay, President Obama can’t lock all of Congress away until they come up with a deal. But it’s a shame he couldn’t have called an emergency session tonight in advance of the big storm about to hit D.C.   And then immediately furloughed  all the snowplowers….

Jeb Bush said Monday, and in his new book, that he opposes a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. Tuesday Jeb said he would endorse such a pathway if it did not incentivize illegal immigration. Adding “We wrote this book last year, not this year.” Even Mitt Romney said “That was fast.”

After Serge Ibaka hit Blake Griffin in the groin during a game Sunday, the NBA decided to fine the Oklahoma City star $25,000 but not suspend him. And I’m sure this decision would have been the same had the Thunder been playing, say, the Sacramento Kings tonight instead of the Lakers on national television.

George Shultz will be speaking in Washington this Friday urging action on climate change, including a carbon tax. Waiting for the first GOP member of Congress to accuse Shultz of being a “commie pinko Californian.”

Justin Bieber is taking a lot of heat in England for a show in London where he didn’t appear on stage until almost 1030p. Does Bieber not realize that if you’re old enough to stay up that late, you’re too old to be one of his fans?


Denied the use of a $1 internet coupon, a woman at a Walmart allegedly pulled out a handgun and threatened employees. Then she fought with arresting officers. She is now in jail. The state? Of course. Flori-duh.

(If Walmart employees decide to arm themselves do they get an employee discount on their personal guns?  Just wondering?)

Jon Stewart says starting in June he will take an eight week break from “The Daily Show” to produce and direct a feature film. Yikes. What will we do without the Walter Cronkite of our generation?

The Chicago Blackhawks won their 10th consecutive game tonight. Said Chicago Cubs fans – “You can do that?”

Regarding this pissing match about hypothetical drones between Eric Holder and Rand Paul, here’s a hypothetical question:. If an American citizen stole an 757 jet, and announced in midair he was flying it to recreate 9-11 with another U.S. skyscraper, does the President have the authority to order the military to use a drone to shoot him down?


Coming soon, the TSA strip club?

May 8, 2012

The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….

If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.

Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030,  42% of Americans will be obese.  And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S  beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?

A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.

SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”

Not a good day for the Giants all around.  As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance.  Considering that his ERA is 5.06,  maybe Mota’s defense is that  with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.

Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”

Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. –

(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)

The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?

The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.

Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.

A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.

Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.

This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.

Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.

John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”