Posted tagged ‘jokes’

LA LA land.

May 4, 2013

Apparently tickets for Friday night’s opening  of the Rolling Stones tour at Staples Center were still available as of the day of the show.. Guess folks in Los Angeles heard the title “50 & Counting” and figured it was a Los Angeles Lakers’ exhibition game.

But in the end, what was the difference between this year’s Lakers and Clippers?  About a week.

In England, they are considering a plan to allow private firms to bid on probation contracts, and then only paying those firms if the offenders do not commit further crimes. Perhaps they could try out this scheme on Lindsay Lohan?

Not to complain, really, but has someone told the SF Giants that it is possible to win a game without coming from behind?

NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson told a reporter that he hasn’t considered firing managerTerry Collins. Maybe thinking, “If I have to stay and watch this crappy season, so does he.”

Hillary Clinton has said she just wants to relax for a while and stay home. But Nancy Pelosi said “I pray that Hillary decides to run for president of the United States.” And Bill is thinking “From your lips to God’s ear… and of course she should start on the campaign trail asap….”

Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino has an ownership stake in Kentucky Derby entrant Goldencents. Actually, since the Derby is only for 3 year olds, it has a lot in common with NCAA basketball – one year and you’re done.

(my friend Michael Duca says perhaps the Kentucky Derby has more in common with the NBA – work a little, then stand at stud.)

Stories are coming out that Geno Smith, the NY Jets new potential backup QB, may be a “pampered, spoiled brat” in one scout’s words, with a “diva attitude” that caused at least one team to pass on him. And somewhere Tim Tebow is asking himself “is calling this divine retribution a sin?

The Mailman, delivering again. Quote from Karl Malone on Jason Collins “I’m proud of the young man. Isn’t it time we stopped wasting so much time on what a person prefers?”

Microsoft has announced that Hotmail is dead. And most people are thinking “Didn’t that happen about 10 years ago?”

And you think your mom did you wrong with your baseball cards and comic books — Kobe Bryant has filed a lawsuit to try to keep his mother from auctioning off his high school and early Lakers days mementos – items she said he told her he didn’t want any more, but which are worth a reported $1.5 million.

Mark Sanchez says “no doubt” he expects to be the NYJets’ starting QB next season. Great news. For the rest of the AFC East.

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said he would consider moving the team if Wrigley renovation plans fall through. Yesterday, the independent league Schaumburg Boomers, who play in a Chicago suburb, offered to share their 7,536 seat park with the Cubs, on the condition that the Boomers got 1st priority on dates as they are “committed to winning a championship in 2013.”

Bangladesh’s Finance Minister Abul Maal Abdul Muhith said after the recent factory collapse that killed at least 500, that the disaster would not harm the country’s garment industry “”The present difficulties … well, I don’t think it is really serious… These are individual cases of… accidents. It happens everywhere.” So is this an NRA joke or a Dottie Sandusky joke?

Stumbling forward into Spring?

March 10, 2013

Just thinking, if we’re going to lose an hour wouldn’t most Americans prefer it to be during working hours on Monday?

Many Americans are worried about the hour they are losing out of their lives this weekend. So they are relieving stress by playing more online games and looking for additional pictures of cats to post.

Marshmallow Peeps are celebrating their 60th anniversary this year. And some of the original products from 1953 no doubt taste as fresh as the day they were made.

Ah nanny states. So starting this week in New York,due to the new surgary soda rule you won’t be able to order a pitcher of Coca Cola when you go out with friends. But you will be able to order a pitcher of beer or margaritas….

Jim Carrey, who originally said he was out of a “Dumb and Dumber” sequel, now says he would consider it. In the meantime, there’s always C-Span.

 

A major brawl broke out during Canada’s 10-3 WBC win today over Mexico. What did they think this was, a hockey game?

 

Regarding this WBC brawl between Canada and Mexico, wonder how many baseball people are privately thinking “A few more of these would do wonders for ratings.”

Mariano Rivera, who will retire at the end of 2013, says “The last game I hope will be throwing the last pitch in the World Series. Winning the World Series, that would be my ambition.” So the season hasn’t started, and Rivera already wants to be traded?

 

RNC chairman Reince Priebus’s said this week that MSNBC contributed to GOP losses in the 2012 election. Shocking?  Someone thinks MSNBC actually has power?

(Maybe he should have complained that Fox didn’t have enough.)

WTF moment. TSA now says bringing 3.5 ounces or more of liquids through security is still forbidden, but small knives including box cutters are okay. Although we have never actually had terrorists use liquids on planes….

If anyone’s tried to bring a partially empty bottle through security, TSA will take it away, even if you have less than 3.5 ounces of liquid inside. Because they say terrorists could mix small amounts of stuff together in a larger container. Fair enough, so then post security – stores selling large water and soda bottles. Sigh.

An JetBlue plane was taken out of service after it was clipped by an Air India jet this morning at JFK. Let the un-PC foreign driver jokes begin…..

First entry from Nick Coombs:   “Geez you’d think the one thing an air India flight could do properly would be the taxi.”

 

It’s raining stats.

October 4, 2011

I think I can speak for many Americans when I say, “Okay, so I’d rather see “my” team win a playoff game. But it’s not a bad consolation prize to watch the Yankees lose.”

My friend Walter pointed out today that of all the meaningless statistics in baseball, the most egregious involve pinstripes, like Sportscenter talking about the “most Ks postseason against the Yankees.”

But get this one from ESPN.com: “Delmon Young’s solo homer in Monday’s game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz’s walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox’s historic comeback in the ALCS.”

On the postgame show, Joe Girardi politely complained about the small strike zone for Sabathia. When asked, “did you think the zone was equal for both sides?” he responded “I don’t necessarily look at Verlander’s pitches, I look at our guy’s.” Yeah, hard to understand how the Yankees get the reputation for thinking the world resolves around them.

The Yankees got two on in the ninth, but Derek Jeter struck out to end the game. His sixth strikeout of the ALDS. Guess this postseason you can’t spell “Kaptain” without a “K.”

Potential joke after game four. What’s the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees?

About a week.

Hank Williams Jr’s “Are you ready for some football,” was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added “They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.” Sounds like his Hank’s math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence.

Tacky joke about a tackier incident. What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner’s outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person.

Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis, 46, has written a tell-all book, “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here,” in which she complains about her mother and says amongst other things that she was very rigid and everything had to be done perfectly. Martha Stewart a control freak? “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.


Is it just me, or is anyone else just not that impressed with people making big money and going on book tours, when they’ve accomplished no more in their lives than being able to complain about their famous parents?

The latest MLB rumor has GM Theo Epstein possibly leaving the Red Sox for the Cubs. Well, at least it would take care of that problem of overly high expectations.

Speaking of expectations, okay, so the Buccaneers beat the Colts on MNF. These things happen. But who in the off-season would have expected the headline “Indianapolis nearly upsets Tampa Bay?”

Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it’s not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it.

Three Buckeyes football players have been suspended for OSU’s game against Nebraska for allegedly being paid too much money for too little work in their summer jobs. Have to wonder, are the players all planning to run for Congress?


Although the way OSU is playing, maybe they were also suspended for being overpaid for their on-field performance.

Heaven knows the Democratic party has some serious crazies. But at the moment none of them are running for President. This from a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. “Hey, thank you for saying that,” she replied.

Headline today: “Christie Would ‘Cannonball’ Republican Field.” Cannonball? As a child who grew up in diving in hotel/motel pools before this was outlawed, I would say a Chris Christie “Cannonball” would be more like a tsunami.