Posted tagged ‘New York Yankees jokes’

 Terminal, the sequel?

June 26, 2013

Edward Snowden is apparently  living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?

President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.

Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID.     The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach.  Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?

So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules  (and perhaps altered a time-stamp)  can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.

Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?

The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.

So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”

Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?!  New York GM Brian Cashman.

Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”

Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?

This  last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.

“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war.  In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called.  Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.

My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.

He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record.  (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)

When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”

He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.

It was a lifelong lesson.”


Blowing in the wind.

August 27, 2012

Got to love it – as the GOP bashes government spending in Tampa, Louisiana Gov. Jindal is complaining that President Obama’s “limited federal declaration” of emergency doesn’t provide for reimbursement of all expenses that the state is taking to prepare for the storm. And Bobby a “full” declaration, which would mean  more federal money…..

Hoping Isaac bypasses New Orleans, or only brings some moderately heavy wind and rain.   But if there is any damage,  especially while the GOP convention is going on, got to figure President Obama will get to the city faster than a Drew Brees pass gets to a Saints receiver.

There is some good news for the GOP with Isaac. The storm has temporarily stopped work on rigs that produce 24% of the oil in the U.S. part of the Gulf of Mexico. Meaning higher gas prices they can blame on Obama.

With Isaac resulting in the cancellation of the first day of the GOP convention, Donald Trump’s scheduled “surprise” role has disappeared. Maybe even God has had enough.

Mitt Romney is polling 0 percent with African-American voters.  And the last poll had a margin of error of 3.1%.  So he might be the first candidate to poll a  negative number.

The Los Angeles Yankees, er, Dodgers lost 10-0 today in Josh Beckett’s debut. And around Boston, the hills are alive, with the sounds of giggles.

Here we go again. Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith was asked about what he would do if a daughter or granddaughter were to become pregnant as a result of rape. Smith said that a family memberr went through “something similar” to rape: “Having a baby out of wedlock.”

The archbishop-elect of San Francisco was arrested in the wee hours of Saturday morning for alleged DUI in San Diego. The Vatican is just relieved there wasn’t an altar boy in the car.

The Red Sox-Dodgers blockbuster deal is complete. Where was David Stern when we needed him?

The New York Mets, despite their so-far miserable second half, say that Terry Collins’ job is safe.   Translation,  we can’t think of anyone else who would take on this mess.

Penn State has banned ‘Sweet Caroline’ from football games because of the ‘touching me, touching you’ lyrics. Uh oh, hope no one tells the Stanford band before they play Notre Dame….

Amongst Louisiana’s preparation for Isaac is the cancellation of classes for two days at LSU.   “Bummer,”  football players allegedly responded. “What’s class?”

And then there were four.

October 9, 2011

Tigers, Rangers, Cardinals, Brewers. None of them amongst baseball’s paupers. But the nine teams in baseball with the highest payrolls are now all home watching on TV.

(The Tigers, btw, at about $105 million, are the highest paid team left, followed by about $200,000 by the Cardinals.)

Congrats to the Cardinals. But maybe, just maybe, someone in the national media might opine after this year that the best starting rotation when it counts in baseball resides about 2500 miles west of Philly. (And yes, even great pitchers need SOME hitting, which is why that rotation isn’t in the postseason.)

And congratulations to Milwaukee for making it to the NLCS. While I am not particularly a Brewers fan, I do realize that a Detroit-Milwaukee World Series would be Fox Sports’ worst nightmare. And Karmic payback for all those televised Red Sox-Yankees game.

Rough week for fans in Philadelphia and New York, with the heavily favored Phillies and Yankees losing in the first round. Well, at least they’ve got championship dreams with the Eagles and Jets…. Uh, never mind.

Now available at Dollar Stores near you – “Phillies-Yankees 2011 World Series t-shirts.”

Good news for Phillies fans. With the retail shopping season starting earlier and earlier, it won’t be more than about a month until they can start booing Santa Claus.

Dick Stockton, calling the Cardinals-Phillies game, just said on TBS that “the drama on the field” is increasing each inning. Wow. What an astute observation in a 1-0 game five in a best of five series.

NCAA has suspended Ohio State wide receiver DeVier Posey for five additional games because he was paid $728 for summer work he did not do. Miami players all responded “$728?! Man, midwest boosters are pikers.”

Mitt Romney attacked Obama Friday saying “This is very simple: If you do not want America to be the strongest nation on Earth, I am not your president. You have that president.” Right, as opposed to the last GOP president who got Bin Laden and all those Al Qaeda leaders, and toppled Gaddafi… Oops, never mind.

At the White House, President Barack Obama Friday saluted his beloved 1985 Chicago Bears for their Super Bowl win. (Now, the President had a plausible reason, as the original visit was cancelled due to the Challenger disaster.) In any case, it’s good that Obama is a South Side of Chicago baseball fan. Would be a little embarrassing to salute the 1908 Cubs.

So for all their money, the Yankees ended up this year without winning it all, and in most of the country, getting no love. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.

From my funny friend Paul Seaburn: “A beautician in Thailand claims she has an all-natural technique for enlarging breasts that involves slapping them. I’m not sure I believe it. If slapping body parts made them grow, most guys would need three-legged trousers…”

The Dutch national railway has some short-haul “Sprinter” trains designed without bathrooms. For passengers who need facilities, they are offering – plastic bags. (Yes, really.) The bags, which contain absorbent material and can be sealed and thrown away, are kept in the conductors booth for “emergencies only.” Let’s hope U.S. airlines never hear about this.

Rough night

October 5, 2011

For comedy writers. The Yankees avoided choking and Chris Christie announced he will not run for President.

But ever onward.

Watching the Yankees win big is like watching Microsoft put another moderately funded start-up out of business.

This afternoon the Tampa Bay Rays became the first team eliminated with the baseball playoffs. When asked their reaction, most sports fans in Tampa responded “We have a baseball team?”

MLB fined St. Louis manager Tony La Russa for complaining on television about “two different strike zones” in Sunday’s game. But Yankees manager Joe Girardi also complained publicly about the strike zone for Sabathia last night. Well, not sure about two different strike zones, but where the Yankees are concerned MLB has two different rule books.

New drugs for PTSD have the effect in some cases of wiping out memories. Although some scientists worry that such medications could also change people’s biographies and thus identities. Of course, there is a way for some men to take the drugs and still have total recall with details available – it’s called a wife.

Note for women who are hoping to get a new iPhone 5 or 4s for Christmas. Most of the guys who will be first in line to get one are single.

A Michigan high school girl , Brianna Amat, was named homecoming queen, and then that same evening went out and kicked the winning field goal for her school. She was immediately offered a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.

So the NBA has now cancelled the pre-season, and is threatening to cancel the regular season. Which means that fans of professional basketball will be stuck watching John Calipari coach at Kentucky.

Ralph Nader spoke at UC Berkeley today saying major universities should eliminate athletic scholarships or risk losing their “academic luster.” Of course, in the SEC their idea of “academic luster” means shiny bowl championship rings.

Hank Williams Jr. is apologizing for comparing President Obama to Hitler. But the singer’s’ views are so conservative, you have to wonder, was he apologizing to fans of Obama or fans of Hitler?

Now for the anti-Hank Williams Jr.: Garth Brooks’ lyrics to “We shall be free: “When the last thing we notice is the color of skin. And the first thing we look for is the beauty within. When the skies and the oceans are clean again. We shall be free.” “When we’re free to love anyone we choose. When this world’s big enough for all different views…. We shall be free.” (Google the whole song if you like country music at all.)

Today, October 4, United Airlines sent out a message to their frequent fliers saying that it was “Time to book Thanksgiving travel.” Although of course discount fares for peak days were sold out a couple months ago. Means their marketing department is as on time as many of their planes.

Chris Christie says “Now is not my time.” And says unequivocally that he will not run for President in 2012. This might be the strongest sign yet that despite his poll numbers, Barack Obama is poised to win re-election.

The Almighty works in strange and magical ways. LSU QB Jordan Jefferson, speaking out for the first time since his suspension said “God puts people in certain situations. I don’t regret anything. Everything happened for a reason. I’ve learned a lot from this.” Hmm, missed the part in the Bible where God puts people in bar fights.

From Bill Littlejohn: A video is making the rounds in which a Cowboys fan and his son take three attempts to burn a Tony Romo jersey.In the wake of this, Cleveland Cavaliers fans have announced an instructional video”

It’s raining stats.

October 4, 2011

I think I can speak for many Americans when I say, “Okay, so I’d rather see “my” team win a playoff game. But it’s not a bad consolation prize to watch the Yankees lose.”

My friend Walter pointed out today that of all the meaningless statistics in baseball, the most egregious involve pinstripes, like Sportscenter talking about the “most Ks postseason against the Yankees.”

But get this one from “Delmon Young’s solo homer in Monday’s game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz’s walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox’s historic comeback in the ALCS.”

On the postgame show, Joe Girardi politely complained about the small strike zone for Sabathia. When asked, “did you think the zone was equal for both sides?” he responded “I don’t necessarily look at Verlander’s pitches, I look at our guy’s.” Yeah, hard to understand how the Yankees get the reputation for thinking the world resolves around them.

The Yankees got two on in the ninth, but Derek Jeter struck out to end the game. His sixth strikeout of the ALDS. Guess this postseason you can’t spell “Kaptain” without a “K.”

Potential joke after game four. What’s the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees?

About a week.

Hank Williams Jr’s “Are you ready for some football,” was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added “They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.” Sounds like his Hank’s math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence.

Tacky joke about a tackier incident. What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner’s outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person.

Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis, 46, has written a tell-all book, “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here,” in which she complains about her mother and says amongst other things that she was very rigid and everything had to be done perfectly. Martha Stewart a control freak? “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.

Is it just me, or is anyone else just not that impressed with people making big money and going on book tours, when they’ve accomplished no more in their lives than being able to complain about their famous parents?

The latest MLB rumor has GM Theo Epstein possibly leaving the Red Sox for the Cubs. Well, at least it would take care of that problem of overly high expectations.

Speaking of expectations, okay, so the Buccaneers beat the Colts on MNF. These things happen. But who in the off-season would have expected the headline “Indianapolis nearly upsets Tampa Bay?”

Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it’s not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it.

Three Buckeyes football players have been suspended for OSU’s game against Nebraska for allegedly being paid too much money for too little work in their summer jobs. Have to wonder, are the players all planning to run for Congress?

Although the way OSU is playing, maybe they were also suspended for being overpaid for their on-field performance.

Heaven knows the Democratic party has some serious crazies. But at the moment none of them are running for President. This from a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. “Hey, thank you for saying that,” she replied.

Headline today: “Christie Would ‘Cannonball’ Republican Field.” Cannonball? As a child who grew up in diving in hotel/motel pools before this was outlawed, I would say a Chris Christie “Cannonball” would be more like a tsunami.

New York State of Mind…

July 18, 2010

Tampa-New York on television this afternoon. When will Fox drop the charade and just start referring to their Saturday baseball broadcast as the “Yankees Game of the Week.”

I would ascribe this if I remembered where I heard it first, but the numbers bear out. The New York Yankees had eight players selected for this year’s All-Star game. Their combined salaries – $123 million. This is more than the whole payroll for all but four major league baseball teams. ‘Nuff said.

New York Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett was slightly injured and had to leave the game today when he threw a tantrum and hit some clubhouse doors in the middle of a loss. In a post-game apology, Burnett said he was just trying to pay his own tribute to George Steinbrenner.

Steinbrenner was laid to rest in a private ceremony Saturday. His family had to organize the ceremony quickly, before George posthumously fired the funeral director.

Meanwhile, over in the National League, the Mets are trying to figure out the answer to a question…what’s more embarrassing, losing three straight and being shut out for 24 innings by the SF Giants. Or allowing eight runs Saturday night to one of major league baseball’s worst offenses?

The New York Times has killed off their “Laugh Lines” online jokes column. Of course, maybe looking at the recent news with Lindsay Lohan, Bristol and Levi, and Apple’s “problem, what problem?” response, they figure nothing could be funnier than the front pages.

In A T and T Park’s 11 year history, there have been 33 opposite field home runs hit by right-handed hitters. (About half the number of “Splash Hits.”) And Buster Posey just hit one tonight. Yeah, I can see why the Giants didn’t think he was ready for the big leagues.

It might have been easier for sports fans who aren’t history or political science buffs if South African Louis Oosthuizen had his great rounds at the British Open before the World Cup. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise to realize that the Netherlands and South Africa share a great deal of history.

from reader and comedian Marc Ragovin, about the slow-footed Bengie Molina’s improbable triple Friday night. “Bengie kicked it into another gear as he approached second base: its called neutral.”

Joe Biden’s 2008 presidential campaign has apparently been fined more than $219,000 for sloppy bookkeeping and accepting excessive contributions. This is shocking, Biden’s presidential campaign actually GOT contributions?

And pick your punchline for this last one. Divers exploring an 18th-century shipwreck said they have discovered the world’s oldest drinkable champagne. The champagne was apparently intended for a party to celebrate…

1. John McCain’s first successful campaign.

2. Jamie Moyer’s first win.

3. Brett Favre’s first retirement party.