Posted tagged ‘Phillies jokes’

Say what?

July 12, 2015

There is a rumor that McDonald’s “Minions” toys, instead of spouting gibberish, actually speak in profanities. Is this a shameless ploy to sell more Happy Meals to pre-teens?

 

Once again it’s time for the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, which brings people from around the world to Spain. You know, for a lot less money these folks could stay home and play in traffic?

Tiger Woods, back at St Andrews for the first time in years said “It’s totally changed.” “Thinking the same about you” responded the Old Course.

 

Mark Cuban, after DeAndre Jordan apologized on Twitter for backing out of a verbal agreement to join the Mavericks “When is an apology not an apology? When you didn’t write it yourself. Next.”

Thinking one of the most anticipated NBA games of the year may be when the Clippers come to Dallas.

A new GOP presidential poll shows Donald Trump and Jeb Bush tied at the top with about 15% each. If this keeps up, Trump’s campaign will attract some serious donations. From Hillary Clinton.

 

Donald Trump at a speech in Phoenix today- “Don’t worry, we’ll take our country back.” Back to what, the 19th century?

Three things that should never be seen at ‪#‎ATTPark‬: The DH, Dodger Blue, and the wave ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Seeing the ‪#‎Phillies‬ on your upcoming MLB schedule is like seeing the ‪#‎Astros‬ used to be. ‪#‎goodtimes‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Joel Embiid, the 76ers top pick and #3 overall in the 2014 draft, sat out last season with a foot injury. Now he needs another surgery and will probably miss next season as well. Guess it’s not too early for Philadephia to start scouting 2016 draft picks.

Goldstar has the Raiders-Cardinals preseason NFL game on August 30 for $12.50 in Oakland. Hmm, are they offering to charge us or to pay us?

 

From  Marc Ragovin “Jason Pierre-Paul on his fireworks fiasco and its aftermath: “There’s no need to point fingers.”

Crime and pun-ishment?

July 10, 2015

An arbitrator has reduced the Cowboys’ Greg Hardy suspension from 10 to four games. This for assaulting his girlfriend and threatening to kill her. Well, not like Hardy did anything serious like smoking marijuana.

Miss Nevada USA 2007 was arrested for alleged possession and sale of meth this week. Hmm, wonder if she told pageant officials that her career goal was to teach science?

Ohio State QB Braxton Miller “As it stands right now, I know I am the best athlete in college football.” Uh, he might not even be the best athlete at OSU.

A warrant has been issued for the arrest of FSU RB Dalvin Cook, 19, who is accused of repeatedly punching a 21-year-old woman in the face outside a bar in June. This after he completed pre-trial intervention for a bb-gun battle last June and was investigated for allegedly waving a gun at a neighbor in July of 2014.

Cook was the Seminoles’ leading rusher last season, gaining 1,008 yards with 8 TDs. Guessing he’ll be dismissed from the team. But is it too soon to start a pool on which SEC team will announce he’s a nice young man who deserves a second chance?

RB Dalvin Cook, facing arrest for assault, has been cut from the Seminoles football team. FSU coach Jimbo Fisher – “It is important to me that our fans and the public be aware that I do not tolerate the type of behavior that was captured on video and that was most recently alleged.”

Well, at least he’s honest about the “captured on video” part”

Happiest baseball people who are not ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans tonight. Anyone whose team was hoping to trade for Cole Hamels and wanted a lower price.  (Final score  -SF 15- PHL 2.)

#‎SFGiants‬ are undefeated in 2015 when they score 15 runs.

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The Confederate flag has been removed from the South Carolina capitol. Let’s hope not too many people fired guns in the air to celebrate.

Many men don’t get the fascination with “The Bachelorette,” especially this year where a woman tells a guy he is “the one,” then goes and sleeps with someone else, and may yet go back to the first guy. They’d rather deal with watching serious stuff like NFL free agency……

A new study says that 10% of Americans take fish oil pills, but that the omega-3s in the pills may not be beneficial at all for heart health. Of course, have to wonder how many people take them along with meals featuring double-bacon-cheeseburgers….

Today’s bus to hell moment courtesy of T. C.  “Michael Sam is back with the Montreal Alouettes CFL team. He returned without much fanfare. It’s almost like he snuck in the back door.”

Fast times.

June 29, 2015

Some may be shocked at the speed at which gay marriage became mainstream. For perhaps a bigger shock in terms of a fast change, yes, this week’s Astros Royals series really could be a preview of the American League Championship Series.

 

Regarding this religious objection stuff to judges, clerks and gay marriage…. While I respect people’s right to their religion, what if you are a man whose religion teaches that women are subservient to men? Does that give you a right to disobey or refuse to work for a female boss?

 

Donald Trump said that if he is elected President he will change his hair style, because it takes too much time to maintain. Well, that’s good news….. for the furry thing that lives on his head. ‪#‎goingtoliveforever‬

NBCUniversal says the the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants will no longer air on the network. Both pageants have been jointly owned by NBC and Donald Trump. This may be in response to Trump’s recent anti-immigrant comments. Or maybe those pageant ratings were a lot lower than we thought.

 

Donald Trump’s ranting statement today included this – “If NBC is so weak and so foolish to not understand the serious illegal immigration problem in the United States….” Speaking of serious problems, could Trump not afford a ghostwriter who learned in school not to split an infinitive?

There’s still talk about how disappointed some NY Knicks fans (and Carmelo Anthony) were with the team’s #1 pick, Kristaps Porzingis. How about a little discussion of how disappointed Pozingis might be to have been drafted by the Knicks?

Veteran MLB executive Andy MacPhail apparently will join the Philadelphia front office and be introduced as part of “new Phillies’ leadership” today. Except isn’t “Phillies leadership” an oxymoron?

 

 

Police say alcohol was involved in the death of a Michigan man who died when a firework he was holding to his head exploded. ‪#‎Darwin‬ ‪#‎Ifonlyhewasarmed‬

Oscar De La Hoya, announcing he is NOT coming back out of retirement. “My wife was all for it. But my kids didn’t want to see old Papa get hurt.” Hmm, does that mean his wife did want to see him get hurt…?

Jimmy Fallon is saying he injured his left hand when he “tripped and caught my fall (good thing)! Ring caught on side of table almost ripped my finger off (bad thing).” And a whole lot of men who lost their marriage excuse because gays can now get married just got another reprieve – “I’d love to honey, but those rings are DANGEROUS.”

Just wondering, where wasusually very outspoken Darth Vader, excuse me, ‪#‎DickCheney‬, on subject of ‪#‎SupremeCourt‬ upholding gay marriage?

 

All of these stories and photos of Caitlyn Jenner, 65, in skimpy, and/or really tight clothes. How long before the transgender stuff fades and people start just telling her to dress her age?

 

The Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to stay a recent lower court ruling that would have shuttered all but nine Texas abortion clinics. The state already has some of the toughest restrictions in the U.S, half have closed in the last two years.

Just for starters, maybe they could at least have an equivalent waiting period in Texas for having abortions and buying guns.

BS detector post of the day: Texas Gov. Rick Perry, unhappy with the Supreme Court’s decision to keep abortion clinics open in face of new regulations requiring them to be constructed like surgical centers. “It unnecessarily puts lives in danger by allowing unsafe facilities to continue to perform abortions.”

Uh, if it’s about women’s health, Texas could a) drop “abstinence only” sex education, and cut down on unwanted pregnancies AND STDs, b) fund clinics for low-income women to prescribe and dispense birth control, and c) make it easier to get the “morning-after pill,” which is safer than any medical abortion.

Video evidence

June 20, 2015

A video is going viral of a squirrel running around Citizens Bank Park and entering the Phillies dugout, causing  players to scramble.  Well, makes sense.  The squirrel was more frightening than anyone in the Philadelphia lineup.

http://atmlb.com/1K2KtZe

 

 

A German man has posted a video after a breakup showing him sawing all their communal property in half with a power saw, including a teddy bear and a pickup truck. Wonder how many calls he’s gotten to option his story for a country song?

 

It may be the only time I ever say this.   But, well played, Mitt.

“Take down the #ConfederateFlag at the SC Capitol. To many, it is a symbol of racial hatred. Remove it now to honor #Charleston victims.”

The bride whose Waldorf Astoria wedding reception was cancelled after one of her guests accidentally shot off his gun, injuring four people, is now suing the hotel “for millions.” Her attorney told the New York Post: ‘We are planning to sue the Waldorf for the costs of the wedding and the emotional harm suffered by the bride and groom, whose dream wedding was destroyed for no reason whatsoever by Waldorf personnel.”

And some wonder why Shakespeare wrote “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

And then in contrast to Mitt Romney on the Confederate flag issue, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said the last thing the people of South Carolina need is “people from outside of the state coming in and dictating how they should resolve it.” Right, but Cruz has no problem telling other states what to do about gay marriage….

Apparently hundreds of NPR listeners were outraged and threatened to stop donating when the network had Kim Kardashian on the quiz show “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me..” Amazing. That so many NPR listeners would admit to knowing who Kim Kardashian is.

 

Max Scherzer throws a no-hitter and misses a perfect game with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth because Jose Tabata leaned into a pitch. Maybe the Nationals need to sign Bob Gibson or Pedro Martinez to a one-game contract tomorrow to give Tabata a little baseball education.

 

Justin Maxwell was only in the ‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ game because ‪#‎Aoki‬ left after being hit by a pitch in 1st.  And he hit a 2 run home run.  Karma is now wearing a particularly bitchy grin.

In Texas, a volunteer firefighter was fired after apparently posting on Facebook that the Charleston terrorist “needs to be praised for the good deed he has done” Leaving aside the awfulness of the comment, just how stupid do you have to be to be that racist right now in public?

 

Paul Pierce, 37, apparently is going to play again in the NBA, either returning to the Wizards or signing with the Clippers. Does Pierce think he’s too young to play for the Spurs?

The Orlando Sentinel is reporting that a local man is recovering from “non-life threatening” injuries after accidentally shooting himself…..during a gun safety class. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

 

Jason Day, who has been suffering from vertigo, and who collapsed at the end of Friday’s round, shot a 68 Saturday and is in a four-way tie for the lead after the third round of the U.S. Open. Right about now Tiger Woods is thinking, how do you catch vertigo?

Something missing?

May 26, 2015

The parent company of Pizza Hut and Taco Bell says they will remove all artificial flavors and coloring from their food. What will be left?

 

Texas Governor Greg Abbott last month ordered the State Guard to monitor US military games In the state. So now with the horrific floods will Abbott call President Obama for FEMA, or for foreign aid?

Apparently tickets were available for game four of the NBA Eastern Conference finals at a reasonable price since Cleveland fans didn’t seem that interested in showing up. Neither apparently did the Atlanta Hawks.

That video of Stephen Curry’s scary fall Monday night seemed to be on an endless loop on sports shows. And watching, it’s amazing he didn’t break a wrist at least in the tumble. If he hadn’t gone into basketball Curry might have had a real future in men’s gymnastics.

Three children were injured after a waterspout made landfall at a Fort Lauderdale beach and sent an inflatable bounce house soaring into the air.

It being Florida have to wonder how many people will try to figure out how to put bounce houses in the path of future waterspouts so they can experience flying.

In his 2002 campaign for Senate, Jim Bob Duggar stated on his website that “rape and incest represent heinous crimes and as such should be treated as capital crimes.” Capital crimes huh? Capital punishment might result in a whole new viewing audience for their show.

A clip has surfaced from 2008 with Josh Duggar talking about his siblings Jana and John David joining him with his girlfriend on a “double date” and laughingly adding “We are from Arkansas, no?” Once again, where are the religious small business owners refusing to bake cakes for Duggar weddings?

 

Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, on fans who are unhappy with the team. “They don’t understand the game….. And then they b—- and complain because we don’t have a plan. There’s a plan in place and we’re sticking with the plan. We can’t do what’s best for the fan. We have to do what’s best for the organization so the fan can reap the benefit of it later on.”

So what part of the plan involves getting a GM who understands the game?

Two pitchers have been ejected and suspended over foreign substance on their arms in the last week. Wouldn’t it be simpler for these would-be greasers just to adopt a Brandon Crawford type hairdo? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

A retired Catholic bishop warned women against practicing yoga, which he said is a “pagan” exercise, and said could be “an occasion of serious sin”  So maybe they should take up a wholesome exercise like pole dancing instead?

A last post-Memorial Day thought. So many politicians, mostly non-veterans, like to talk about honoring those who made the ultimate sacrifice in war. Would take them more seriously if they honored those brave men and women by only sending more of them into combat as a last resort. ‪#‎YesIamtalkingaboutyouchickenhawks‬

The IRS says that hackers have accessed over 100,000 taxpayers’ old returns. But IRS Commissioner John Koskinen says “This is not a security breach. Our basic information is secure. These are criminals who had enough data to try and impersonate the taxpayer.” Orwell would be proud.

 

About a five hour drive from Milwaukee, where the Giants were playing tonight, to Minneapolis, where the Red Sox were playing. So did Pablo Sandoval see any of the highlight shows and wonder if he just MIGHT have been having more fun had he stayed put….?

And then there were four.

October 9, 2011

Tigers, Rangers, Cardinals, Brewers. None of them amongst baseball’s paupers. But the nine teams in baseball with the highest payrolls are now all home watching on TV.

(The Tigers, btw, at about $105 million, are the highest paid team left, followed by about $200,000 by the Cardinals.)

Congrats to the Cardinals. But maybe, just maybe, someone in the national media might opine after this year that the best starting rotation when it counts in baseball resides about 2500 miles west of Philly. (And yes, even great pitchers need SOME hitting, which is why that rotation isn’t in the postseason.)

And congratulations to Milwaukee for making it to the NLCS. While I am not particularly a Brewers fan, I do realize that a Detroit-Milwaukee World Series would be Fox Sports’ worst nightmare. And Karmic payback for all those televised Red Sox-Yankees game.

Rough week for fans in Philadelphia and New York, with the heavily favored Phillies and Yankees losing in the first round. Well, at least they’ve got championship dreams with the Eagles and Jets…. Uh, never mind.

Now available at Dollar Stores near you – “Phillies-Yankees 2011 World Series t-shirts.”

Good news for Phillies fans. With the retail shopping season starting earlier and earlier, it won’t be more than about a month until they can start booing Santa Claus.

Dick Stockton, calling the Cardinals-Phillies game, just said on TBS that “the drama on the field” is increasing each inning. Wow. What an astute observation in a 1-0 game five in a best of five series.

NCAA has suspended Ohio State wide receiver DeVier Posey for five additional games because he was paid $728 for summer work he did not do. Miami players all responded “$728?! Man, midwest boosters are pikers.”

Mitt Romney attacked Obama Friday saying “This is very simple: If you do not want America to be the strongest nation on Earth, I am not your president. You have that president.” Right, as opposed to the last GOP president who got Bin Laden and all those Al Qaeda leaders, and toppled Gaddafi… Oops, never mind.

At the White House, President Barack Obama Friday saluted his beloved 1985 Chicago Bears for their Super Bowl win. (Now, the President had a plausible reason, as the original visit was cancelled due to the Challenger disaster.) In any case, it’s good that Obama is a South Side of Chicago baseball fan. Would be a little embarrassing to salute the 1908 Cubs.

So for all their money, the Yankees ended up this year without winning it all, and in most of the country, getting no love. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.


From my funny friend Paul Seaburn: “A beautician in Thailand claims she has an all-natural technique for enlarging breasts that involves slapping them. I’m not sure I believe it. If slapping body parts made them grow, most guys would need three-legged trousers…”

The Dutch national railway has some short-haul “Sprinter” trains designed without bathrooms. For passengers who need facilities, they are offering – plastic bags. (Yes, really.) The bags, which contain absorbent material and can be sealed and thrown away, are kept in the conductors booth for “emergencies only.” Let’s hope U.S. airlines never hear about this.

Monday mourning quarterbacking….

October 3, 2011

The Eagles blew a big second half lead against the 49ers, the Phillies blew a 4-0 lead against the Cardinals. Well, at least for one day no one can say that Philadelphia fans didn’t have plenty to boo about.

Lions 34-Cowboys 30, Tigers 5-Yankees 3. Best day for Detroit in recent memory not involving a government bailout.

And let’s see, the Lions won, the Tigers won, and Michael Vick lost. Not a bad afternoon for the cat lobby.


Song for Monday on Philadelphia radio “Cry like an Eagle?”


From Gary. M. “With the stock market on a continuous death drop, I’ve renamed my retirement fund the Boston Dead Stocks.”

But who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Lions 34, Cowboys 30. My guess is that in 49 of 50 states, people are reacting to this news with smirks, smiles or outright laughter. (And maybe in Austin too.)

For SF Giants fans going through Brian Wilson “torture” withdrawal, may I suggest watching a replay of the Tigers’ Jose Valverde’s ninth inning performance against the Yankees. All that was missing was the beard.

Dick Cheney said Sunday “I think the decision that’s been made with respect to allowing gays to serve openly in the military is a good one.” Well, good for him. Shame considering that Cheney feels this way about “DADT” that he was never in a position of power with the ability to do something about it.

John McCain says he “admires” N.J. Governor Chris Christie, but as far as entering the Presidential race, he warned that “the swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in.” Translation, just wait they remember you support civil unions, have been at times supportive of illegal immigrants, and actually believe in science.

Interesting, WordPress advises bloggers what terms people who found your blog were searching for. The number one, two and three searches Sunday all related to the Red Sox choking. Well, Red Sox fans, maybe next week we can add “Yankees choke jokes” to the list.


Interesting also watching the Tigers-Yankees on TNT Sunday. Many fans, including SF Giants fans believe the national media is prejudiced against their team. Beginning to think it’s actually quite simple, the media is prejudiced against anyone who isn’t the Yankees.

Actual serious comment for a change:

Barack Obama at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner: “We don’t believe in being silent when an American soldier is booed… You want to be commander in chief? You can start by standing up for the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States, even when it’s not politically convenient.” Nice to see lately that the President seems to have rediscovered his cajones

Numbers game.

December 15, 2010

 The New York Yankees say they are not upset about being spurned by Cliff Lee. In fact they are happily going to move on, and just buy the Phillies.

But regarding the Cliff Lee signing saga, who knew? On the whole he’d rather be in Philadelphia.

From Gary Morton: The Yankees haven’t been “whupped” this bad by someone named Lee since Bull Run.

Brett Favre still isn’t ready to rule out coming back for one more year.  But while Vikings’ fans may have had enough, late night talk show hosts and comedy writers are unianimous in saying he shouldn’t give up on his dream.

Lies, damn lies and statistics example for the day: With the Phillies signing of Cliff Lee, right now the “average” ERA for starting pitchers next year in the state of Philadelphia looks pretty good. Tell that to Pirates fans.

Looking ahead? The game currently known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just inked a deal with BYU to play in 2013, assuming the Cougars end up at least a .500 team. The New York Yankees are wondering how much it would cost to make the same arrangement with the 2013 World Series.

But really, BYU is a basic lock for a 2013 bowl, Hawaii, Army and Navy have similar deals, Ohio State is going to New Orleans because the Sugar Bowl organizers knew from a prior bowl their fans would buy tickets and show up….   As far as rewarding the best competitors these bowls are making “Dancing with the Stars” look good.

New University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he intends for the Gators to start running a pro-style offense. Makes sense with so many U. of F. players ending up in the NFL. Might as well make the transition a little easier, especially as some of them will no doubt be taking a pay cut.

NY Jets coach Sal Alosi has been fined $25,000 and suspended without pay for that little sideline incident with the Miami Dolphins player. Which makes this one of the most ill-advised and expensive little trips ever, or at least since Tiger Woods decided to race off heaven-knows-where down his own driveway.

The Redskins cut punter and holder Hunter Smith, whose inability to catch the ball for the extra point cost Washington a chance to tie the game against Tampa Bay last week. Smith was also the team punter, but his net average was 31st in the NFL.

Okay, you punt for the Redskins and you are nearly the worst in the league?   No excuse.  Or at least it’s not a question of lack of practice.

Regarding ESPN’s new theory of World, or at least National League, domination:

Roy Halliday is 33,  Cole Hamels is 27, Cliff Lee is 32, and Roy Oswald is 33.

Meanwhile the oldest of the S.F. Giants “big four,” Jonathan Sanchez is 28.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are 26, and Madison Burgarner is 21.

Mitt Romney now says that American workers should just save money to pay for their own unemployment benefits. And presumably these workers should save enough so they can eat their daily cake too.

Well, we don’t know how John Boehner will do as Speaker of the House, but we sure know he must never have played baseball.

(Since a few friends never saw “League of their Own” –  as Tom Hanks said, “there’s no crying in baseball.”)

And somewhere men are laughing…

October 24, 2010

And somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Philly.  Mighty Howard has struck out.

Ryan Howard clearly didn’t read the late great umpire Durwood Merrill’s memoir “You’re out and you’re ugly too.”

In that book, Merrill said he had one response for batters who complained about a 3-2 called strike. “If it wasn’t a strike it was close enough. You think all these people paid their way in here to see you walk?”

– 

And perhaps apropos of nothing, but the Phillies payroll of almost $150 million?  It will end up about the same amount of money Meg Whitman will spend on her California gubernatorial campaign.

San Diego Padres pitcher Mat Lantos ridiculed the Giants late in the season by saying San Francisco had just gone out and “grabbed players from other teams.”

Well, sort of, except that the Padres themselves added Miguel Tejada and Ryan Ludwick. And more importantly the Phillies added Roy Oswalt,  the Rangers added Cliff Lee, the Yankees (who wanted Lee) added Lance Berkman and Kerry Wood.

With all due respect, most playoff bound teams go shopping at Saks.   The Giants went to the Rack and the Dollar Store.

(And as far as names, Ramirez, Lopez and Ross?  Not exactly marquee talent. Not to mention Burrell who was picked up midseason, quite literally for almost nothing.)

Regarding Pat Burrell, who was flat out released by the Tampa Rays, at least they have a player on their payroll in the World Series.

A tale of two LCS’s. The Rangers outscored the Yankees by 19 runs in their six games. The Giants won their LCS in six games by scoring 19 runs exactly.  (The Phillies actually scored 20.  But who’s counting?)

NBA commissioner David Stern said that contracting (translation – eliminating) – some of the weaker teams could be a solution to the league’s financial problems. Which means the Timberwolves are likely on the list. When asked about how they felt about losing their NBA basketball team, fans in Minnesota responded “We have an NBA team?”

Sacramento Kings fans are nervous that their team too could be contracted, leaving the area without a professional NBA basketball team.   Clippers fans responded, “Welcome to our world.”

If the Toronto Blue Jays ever make it back to the postseason would we still have to hear “God bless America”every seventh inning?

Brett Favre apparently didn’t give up on Jenn Sterger after he left the Jets.  According to the NY Post, Favre made a “recruiting call,” (how’s that for a PC term) to that former sideline reporter in 2009.

Who knew, despite all those interceptions, Brett’s most ill-conceived passes may have been off the field. 

Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson, told Bill Maher than he’s definitely running for mayor of Wasilla.   Johnston  also said he “is working on building a platform, although he didn’t offer specifics.”

Well, sounds like he’s already up to speed for sounding like an average politician.