Posted tagged ‘Duggars jokes’

Girls just wanna have fun?

August 30, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner is interested in dating a man to help her feel like a “normal woman.” Have news for her, in the Kardashian-Jenner clan, there are no normal women.

So will all those in the GOP trying to defund Planned Parenthood also sign a waiver that in case of illness they refuse to be treated with any vaccines or medicines that have come about as a result of fetal tissue research?

Josh Duggar will now apparently spend six months in a Christian rehab treatment program. Because that worked so well when he was a teenager?

“Butt dial” has been added to the OED. Some of us are old enough to remember that phrase might just have been an awkward synonym for “booty call.”

Chris Christie today said we can curb illegal immigration by tracking anyone who enters the country from the time they receive their visa, like a FedEx package.
Spoken like someone who’s never tried to track a lost FedEx package.

In Chatham, NJ, Jets center Nick Mangold quickly called 911 when he Iheard his car alarm and saw his garage door open. Police were able to get there in time to apprehend suspects thought to be responsible for almost 50 burglaries.
Posting this mostly because it’s nice to see an NFL player featured on the “good” side of an arrest story.

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had a love fest interview. Makes sense. Each of them probably thinks the other makes them look a little less crazy.

A California couple got married in Oregon and had a smoke tent at their wedding, where a “budtender” offered guests a choice of 13 kinds of marijuana. Wonder if the wedding cake was topped with Doritos?

Rowan County Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis has been refusing to issuing marriage licenses to gay couples and says she objects to same-sex marriage for religious reasons. Now she wants the U.S. Supreme Court to grant her “asylum for her conscience.”
So, okay, if she’s that religious about marriage presume Ms. Clark also refuses licenses to couples sharing the same address (living in sin), those who have been married before, and those won’t swear an oath attesting to virginity?

The Raiders waived safety Jonathan Dowling today, for what they say were “maturity issues.’ Over-under on how long until Dowling gets offered a contract by the Redskins?

Shotgun divorces?

August 20, 2015

Three of the top 20 cities in the world with the most Ashley Madison accounts are in Texas, (Houston, San Antonio and Dallas.) Well, this could get interesting. As most of their spouses are likely to be armed.

Investigators are recommending filing manslaughter charges against Caitlyn Jenner for that fatal car crash in February. Her defense no doubt – “I’m a changed person now.”

The Pentagon is looking for sites in U.S. to place Gitmo detainees. I guess Florida would be cruel and unusual punishment?

Jimmy Carter announced he will undergo radiation treatment after cancer spots were found on his brain, but he is optimistic will extend his life. Carter didn’t have the option some other politicians do, which is to tell doctors to remove their brain because they aren’t using it.

Apparently tens of thousands of Ashley Madison accounts are .gov addresses. Who knew so many government workers were capable of multitasking?

Josh Duggar: “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”

A hypocrite yes. Biggest ever? Once again Josh is guilty of extreme narcissism. ‪#‎hesgotsomecompetitioninWashington‬

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Josh Duggar posted an open apology online and then edited it to take out mention of a porn addiction and his apology for molesting girls as a teenager. Guess Josh REALLY hasn’t learned yet, what’s on the internet stays FOREVER on the internet.

A federal appeals court ruled that former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell must report to prison while he asks the U.S. Supreme Court to reverse his convictions. And McDonnell is thinking “Damn, I should have run for office in Louisiana.”

As Jared Fogle awaits sentencing for his child porn plea bargain he been banned from computers with internet, must stay away from children, and is not allowed to own a gun. Waiting for the NRA to protest over that last one.

Aaron Hernandez has been involved in another prison fight. Forget whether the former Patriots star will ever get out of jail or not, the bus to hell question of the night is, “so would he be a good pick for a 2016 death lotto?”

New Red Sox GM “Dave Dombrowski – “I’m not here to blow up the operation.” And Boston fans are thinking “Hasn’t the current team accomplished that already?”

RGIII looked overwhelmed today and ended up with a concussion. But sports and politics often have a lot in common – as in do we really expect any better from any much touted young man who goes to Washington?.

Cross at the border?

July 22, 2015

Donald Trump is visiting Laredo to tour the Texas-Mexico border. Though no doubt he won’t cross it. – because it would be embarrassing if the Mexican government deported him as being undesirable.

 

A Boston writer today wrote that the Red Sox needed to “cleanse themselves” of Sandoval and Ramirez.  Am sure SF Giants fans really feel sorry for Boston. Like you feel sorry when the ex who left you for someone else and slams you on the way has their next relationship fall apart….

 

NBA commissioner Adam Silver says “No doubt” that some day he can see a woman as NBA head coach. Although have to wonder, would a woman be dumb enough to take on say, the Knicks?

Silver also says that the league may change rules to allow only the top 8 teams in each conference to make the playoffs. In other words, postseason teams in the East can still suck.

Detroit manager Brad Ausmus says he is not giving up on the season as the Tigers are only 4 games out of the Wild Card. With a 46-47 record. Hmm, where does he think he is, the NBA?

Shaquille O’Neal said the all-time Lakers team would beat the all-time Bulls team by 50. And the all-time Spurs team would probably jell togther better and kick both teams’ butts.

So some rumors about Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s divorce say he cheated, some say she cheated. We can settle this real quickly if one of them turns out to have an Ashley Madison account.

 –
A source told People Magazine that the Duggars are “heartbroken” over the cancellation of their TLC Show, and that they want to return to TV. Alas, it’s been several years since they cancelled ‘To Catch a Predator.”
President Obama Tuesday night on the Daily Show said he was issuing an executive order saying that Jon Stewart cannot leave the show. Guess Obama thinks he hasn’t done enough to infuriate the 2016 GOP presidential candidates?
So Obama waited until Tuesday to lower flags to half staff for the Marines shot and killed in Tennessee. I would feel a lot less cynical about those criticizing the President if they weren’t also mostly the same people who want to send MANY more young men and women overseas to risk being shot and killed in foreign wars..

Ted Cruz just convened a Senate hearing to investigate “abuses” by the Supreme court.. Saying recent decisions including on same-sex marriage are the “very definition of tyranny.”

The dictionary definition of “tyranny” includes words like unjust, oppressive and especially “cruel.” So who exactly suffers personally when gays get marriage?

DeAndre Jordan, on his convoluted return to the Clippers – “When free agency started, this whole fiasco was not my intent.” Sounds like DeAndre’s intentions were as on target as his free throw shooting.
Apparently a fire broke out today on the 4,000 passenger Freedom of the Seas cruise ship in Jamaica today, but it was quickly put out by the ship’s fire suppression system. Royal Caribbean says no passengers were injured, but one crew member suffered a first degree burn. Stand by for around the clock updates from CNN.

Grounded?

July 16, 2015

President Obama will be in New York City Friday night, and the FAA has issued a no fly zone over Manhattan. Which won’t affect commercial flights, but will force wealthy folks heading to the Hamptons to take ground transportation instead of private helicopters. “I feel so sorry for them,” said no one in 99.9% of the population.

Interesting, all the talk about Caitlyn Jenner. But if we’re talking LGBT acceptance, the U.S. women’s soccer team has both gay and straight players, and it doesn’t seem to affect their chemistry OR performance.

Apparently this season has seen a big increase in the number of NL managers who are batting their pitcher 8th in the lineup. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner is not pleased with this trend. He thinks he should bat at least 6th.

Here’s a serious idea for a change. Let’s change the MLB trade deadline to during the All-Star break. Would make it easier for players to get to their new teams. And would give sports fans something more interesting to follow during the break than NBA summer league scores.

 

Mark Cuban is now proposing that the NBA playoffs be expanded to 10 teams per conference. Right, so teams like the Indiana Pacers would be spared the heartache of just missing the playoffs with a 38-44 record.

 

Josh Smith has left the Rockets for the Clippers, signing for $1.5 million, the veteran minimum, and reportedly told a source he chose “winning over money?” So Smith is bad at history, statistics AND math?

The Tennessee Highway Safety Office is pulling the “100 Days of Summer Heat Booze It and Lose It Campaign” which was intended to keep young men from drinking too much, with had posters and coasters with messages like this
“After a few drinks the girls look hotter and the music sounds better. Just remember: If your judgment is impaired, so is your driving.”
“Buy a drink for a marginally good looking girl only to find out she’s chatty, clingy and your boss’s daughter. If this sounds like something you would do, your judgment is impaired and so is your driving.”
The only question. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place?

New Jersey is considering a lottery, open only to state college students and alumni, where the winner would get all their student loan debt paid off. Great, so if they don’t know enough already, students can go further into debt buying lottery tickets.

As we approach the 2nd half of the MLB season, Vegas has updated their odds for this years World Series winner- with the favorites being the Royals, Cardinals, Nationals and Dodgers. The Phillies are last 5000-1.

Note to anything thinking of betting on the Phillies. try something with better odds. Like buying a Powerball lottery ticket.

But really, a 5,000 to 1 bet on the Phillies now to win the World Series?   Or for that matter 250 to 1 on the Brewers,  or even 50-1 on the Red Sox?    In all of these and more case, when they’re saying “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” clearly they’re talking about your money.

 

Apparently Vegas sports books are quite worried about the Royals and Astros, as they stand to pay out big bucks if either team, lightly regarded in the preseason, wins the World Series. But on the other hand, MGM properties report 4,000 bets placed on the Cubs, more than double that on any other team. ‪#‎youlosesomeyouwinsome‬

TLC has officially cancelled “19 kids and counting.” Anybody here actually watch the show in the first place?

 

 

From T.C.  Russell Wilson’s new sweetie, Ciara, sang the anthem at All Star game. It was suggested that he could hand off the microphone to her.

Moving on.

June 5, 2015

Anthony Davis, 25, retired today, the fourth SF 49er to quit football this offseason. And 49ers season ticket holders are thinking – you can do that?

One of the Republicans supporting President Obama’s efforts to normalize relations with Cuba is South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford, who has filed a bill to remove all travel restrictions to the island for Americans. Hmm…. because maybe Sanford thinks some day he might to need to hike there?

 

Brittney Griner filed for an annulment after only being married for 28 days to fellow WNBA star Glory Johnson. As if anyone had any doubt that gay celebrity marriages weren’t really that different from straight ones.

God Bless Texas. As Hillary Clinton pointed out, a student ID is not sufficient proof of identity to vote…. but a gun permit qualifies.

Meanwhile, U.S. officials are saying that Chinese hackers have hacked into the computer networks of the U.S. government personnel office and may have personal information on over 4 million people. Maybe Hillary Clinton’s use of private email server was a lot smarter than we gave her credit for.

Rick Perry in his Presidential race announcement “We must do right, and risk the consequences.” Anyone but me hear “do right” in connection with Rick Perry and think of “Dudley?”

And we thought he had crazy talk about Cuba: Here’s Marco Rubio on Fox News, talking about Iraq, and insisting he doesn’t advocate “nation-building.” “It’s not nation-building. We are assisting them in building their nation.”

Yahoo says it is shutting down Yahoo maps. Shocking. Yahoo still had maps?

 

This might be my favorite story of the week. With all the millions we are spending on trying to track ISIS, the US was able to destroy one of their buildings after Florida airmen noticed one of the terrorists had posted a selfie from a recognizable location. Even those 72 virgins will be telling this guy he’s an idiot.

Hunter Pence was out for tonight’s SF Giants game with tendinitis in his wrist. Let’s hope he didn’t hurt it trying to figure out how to put on a suit for the White House. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

But really, anyone but me kind of hope the Secret Service doesn’t notice this picture of Hunter Pence before the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ play in Washington, D.C. on July 4th weekend? ‪#‎stillcrazyafteralltheseyears‬

hunter

With all the hype over Caitlyn Jenner, who looks like a beautiful movie star, have to wonder, what would be the reaction if the star she looked like was say, the late Phyllis Diller?

Jessa Duggar, now married, defended her brother’s alleged sexual abuse as “mild, inappropriate touching.” Uh, if you were allowed only side-hugs and no kisses until marriage, how the heck would you know what “mild. inappropriate touching” was?

Counting crows?

June 4, 2015

So if it’s a pack of wolves, a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking “an embarrassment of riches.”

Okay, giving the Duggars every benefit of the doubt and then some…. As Jim Bob excuses his son by saying it was a (14-15 year old) “child preying on a child.” And “there were a couple of instances where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.” Just trying to imagine their reaction if this “child” was a boy dating one of their “side-hug” only daughters.

A lot of conservatives are having problems with this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. On one hand, they have issues with the idea of transgender people. On the other hand, the fact that Caitlyn will make more $$$ than Bruce ever did is ammunition for their belief that we don’t need laws requiring equal pay for women.

Sarah Palin has weighed in and blamed the Duggar family uproar on the “liberal media.” So congrats to all those who had June 4 in the pool.

The SF Giants went back to the White House Thursday to meet the President. Their first visit was in 2011. Wonder after that first meeting if the Giants or Obama were more surprised that the other was back there in 2015.

Apparently Lincecum missed the SF Giants’ White House visit today because he had gone ahead to Philadelphia to get ready to face the Phillies tomorrow. What a shame, Timmy was the one Giant who could have done some serious lobbying with Obama for marijuana legalization. ‪#‎letTimmysmoke‬

 

President Obama today as the SF Giants visited the White House for the third time in five years, “I mean, the truth is, it seems like if they get in, they’ll probably win it.” Clearly the same mantra dozens of candidates are using for the 2016 Presidential election.

At this point wouldn’t it be simpler and faster for all Republicans who AREN’T running for President to announce it?

Airline delay excuse of the day. On United a client reports lead flight attendant sliced his finger, had to get stitches so they had to get another attendant. Uh, wasn’t one of the points of TSA to take care of all the sharp objects?

Rick Perry is running for President again. And he’s smarter this time, because he has glasses. No doubt he’ll tell us three, or at least two reasons why….

John Bowlen, son of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, was arrested last night on domestic violence charges, following on John Elway’s son Jack’s arrest for domestic violence last year. Sounds like these guys are trying a little too hard to act like they fit in with NFL players.

The NCAA has charged UNC with five major violations connected to the school’s long-running academic fraud scandal. Now let’s see how they come up with “severe” punishments that don’t keep the men’s basketball team out of March Madness.

Preach it.

June 3, 2015

The Duggars’ Arkansas pastor said that Caitlyn Jenner’s sex change is an example of the “moral unraveling” of America, but Josh Duggar’s child molestation can be “forgiven” by God. And that ladies and gentleman, tells you all you need to know about why Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptists.

Jessa Duggar, 22, is defending her brother “‘I do want to speak up in his defense against people who are calling him a child molester or a pedophile or a rapist, some people are saying. I’m like that is so overboard and a lie really, I mean people get mad at me for saying that but I can say this because I was one of the victims.”

And some people think being raised by a loving gay couple results in a child growing up with a warped perspective.

Taco Bell will start serving alcohol for the first time in the U.S. at one of their Chicago locations. Wouldn’t it be a more symbiotic relationship if they started selling marijuana?

Lincoln Chafee, in announcing he has joined the 2016 Presidential Race. “I enjoy challenges.” Even Cubs fans are thinking “What is that man smoking?”

#‎SFGiants‬ have lost five games in a row in advance of today’s ‪#‎WhiteHouse‬ visit. ‪#‎IBlameObama‬

Oops, a Pentagon official has admitted that at least four batches of anthrax samples shipped from a military lab to labs in 12 states, plus DC and three countries, mistakenly contained live spores. They are trying to figure out why. Once again, showing that for all the worries about terrorism, we have more to fear from good old-fashioned stupidity.

 

You know there MIGHT be too long a layoff before the NBA finals for the media when a headline today talks about Lebron James saying he loves “Pitch Perfect 2” and that  he thinks “Fat Amy” is awesome. ‪#‎SuperBowlmediaweekthesequel‬

No Darwin Award because he was only arrested and not even injured. But he gave it 100% effort. A man who parked his car across a state road in Pennsylvania and set up a fake DUI checkpoint at 4am Saturday, complete with flares, allegedly was drunk himself. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Tampa Bay Lightning management said that anyone buying premium seats near the rink for the opening game of the Stanley Cup Final MUST wear team or neutral colors. And a lot of rich people in Florida were going “So what are our colors?”

Dick Cheney recently showed a WSJ reporter the cover of his truck trailer hitch, which features a picture of Darth Vader. Adding “I’m rather proud of that.” “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

You think you’re having a bad day at work. You could have worked for Southwest at the airport Wed.  A fare sale and high traffic crashed the website. So  ALL computers were down for hours with no scheduled up time. In an electronic ticket age. ‪#‎wannagetaway

Meanwhile, Delta is testing “Early Valet” carry-on service., where airline employees can take passengers’ bags at the gate and put them above their assigned seats. So how long until they charge for guaranteed overhead bin space?

American Airlines retirees are complaining that after merging with US AIrways, retired employees now get a standby priority below current employees. One woman, who retired in 1995, angrily told a reporter that some retirees are even buying tickets on other airlines. And this is supposed to upset American how?

 

 

United Airlines temporarily grounded ALL flights this morning for 30 minutes this morning over “automation issues.” Flights have resumed and to ensure it doesn’t happen again the airline will no doubt soon announce a computer maintenance fee.

From Marc Ragovin;   “A Fargo, North Dakota man has been convicted of driving a zamboni while intoxicated at a girls hockey game in January and sentenced to nine days in jail. Witnesses called the police when he was observed repeatedly driving straight.”

The ice have it

June 2, 2015

The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa.   Scalpers should have a field day.  If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.

Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca.  But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning,  most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”

Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.

 

June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?

As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.

So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? ‪#‎Blatter‬

 

Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?

Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.

Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”

Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”

An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.

So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?

Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.

 

 

Something missing?

May 26, 2015

The parent company of Pizza Hut and Taco Bell says they will remove all artificial flavors and coloring from their food. What will be left?

 

Texas Governor Greg Abbott last month ordered the State Guard to monitor US military games In the state. So now with the horrific floods will Abbott call President Obama for FEMA, or for foreign aid?

Apparently tickets were available for game four of the NBA Eastern Conference finals at a reasonable price since Cleveland fans didn’t seem that interested in showing up. Neither apparently did the Atlanta Hawks.

That video of Stephen Curry’s scary fall Monday night seemed to be on an endless loop on sports shows. And watching, it’s amazing he didn’t break a wrist at least in the tumble. If he hadn’t gone into basketball Curry might have had a real future in men’s gymnastics.

Three children were injured after a waterspout made landfall at a Fort Lauderdale beach and sent an inflatable bounce house soaring into the air.

It being Florida have to wonder how many people will try to figure out how to put bounce houses in the path of future waterspouts so they can experience flying.

In his 2002 campaign for Senate, Jim Bob Duggar stated on his website that “rape and incest represent heinous crimes and as such should be treated as capital crimes.” Capital crimes huh? Capital punishment might result in a whole new viewing audience for their show.

A clip has surfaced from 2008 with Josh Duggar talking about his siblings Jana and John David joining him with his girlfriend on a “double date” and laughingly adding “We are from Arkansas, no?” Once again, where are the religious small business owners refusing to bake cakes for Duggar weddings?

 

Phillies GM Ruben Amaro, on fans who are unhappy with the team. “They don’t understand the game….. And then they b—- and complain because we don’t have a plan. There’s a plan in place and we’re sticking with the plan. We can’t do what’s best for the fan. We have to do what’s best for the organization so the fan can reap the benefit of it later on.”

So what part of the plan involves getting a GM who understands the game?

Two pitchers have been ejected and suspended over foreign substance on their arms in the last week. Wouldn’t it be simpler for these would-be greasers just to adopt a Brandon Crawford type hairdo? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

A retired Catholic bishop warned women against practicing yoga, which he said is a “pagan” exercise, and said could be “an occasion of serious sin”  So maybe they should take up a wholesome exercise like pole dancing instead?

A last post-Memorial Day thought. So many politicians, mostly non-veterans, like to talk about honoring those who made the ultimate sacrifice in war. Would take them more seriously if they honored those brave men and women by only sending more of them into combat as a last resort. ‪#‎YesIamtalkingaboutyouchickenhawks‬

The IRS says that hackers have accessed over 100,000 taxpayers’ old returns. But IRS Commissioner John Koskinen says “This is not a security breach. Our basic information is secure. These are criminals who had enough data to try and impersonate the taxpayer.” Orwell would be proud.

 

About a five hour drive from Milwaukee, where the Giants were playing tonight, to Minneapolis, where the Red Sox were playing. So did Pablo Sandoval see any of the highlight shows and wonder if he just MIGHT have been having more fun had he stayed put….?

Not so good tidings…..

December 5, 2014

NPR is reporting that due to intelligence about a possible planned terrorist attack on a passenger plane to Europe around Christmas, airlines are considering banning carry-on luggage on such flights. Of course, even if they determine the threat isn’t serious, airlines could do that anyway to get more checked baggage fees.

A Nebraska Cornhuskers football player tried to take a selfie with a raccoon, which then bit him. So he killed the animal to have it tested for rabies. Shame he hadn’t tried a selfie with a bear. Would be one more live animal and one more Darwin winner.

Ah technology. Since negotiations between Dish Network and CBS broke down, Dish subscribers abruptly were blacked out from all CBS programming, including non-cable shows. No doubt setting off an “Amazing Race” to the phones to complain to customer service.

Rumors have it that ‪#‎TimTebow‬ is now “dating” one of the ‪#‎Duggars‬  (19  kids and counting) daughters. Which means the former NFL QB still isn’t scoring.

Nationals OF Jayson Werth was found guilty of reckless driving and sentenced to 10 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Washingtonians are stunned, when can you find space to get up to 105 mph on the Beltway?

Sounds like last night’s show should have been titled ‪#‎PeterPanDead‬ ‪#‎PeterPanLive‬

The Columbia Lions have lost 21 straight football games. Today coach Pete Mangurian, who has been accused both of being abusive and of ignoring head injuries by 25 of his players, has resigned. Wonder if he was forced out for the alleged abuse, or for losing 21 straight games?

 

On Friday, Starbucks is opening their first “Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room” in Seattle, a 15,000 sq ft showplace where customers can watch “Reserve” beans being roasted, take classes, and of course, purchase premium beans, food and drinks. Translation, the perfect place for those who don’t think they are overpaying enough already for coffee.

 

Headline “FSU loses RB Williams for ACC title game.” Apparently he hasn’t been cleared after a concussion last week. Well, we knew it wasn’t academics or off-field antics. Then Williams would have been suspended for something like the first series of downs.

A back to back item from Canadian comic Torben Rolfsen and Bill Littlejohn,, on Mickey Rourke, 62, making a pro boxing comeback in Russia by beating an opponent 33 years his junior:

 

Rolfsen “Don’t the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?”   Littlejohn “I heard Mickey’s prize move was the Ali Shuffleboard.”

Let the fun begin, (for SFGiants fans) the Los Angeles Times reported that Andre Ethier told the Dodgers he wanted to play every day in the outbound, and not go back to a 5-6 man rotation. But Either said this wasn’t a “play-me-or-trade-me ultimatum.” Sounds like same circus, same monkeys.

 

Commie pinko time:

Two SF police officers were convicted today of several felony counts each of stealing from criminal suspects. They had been charged with taking thousands of dollars found in searches of drug dealers. Of course, had they just shot the suspects….

Yet more accusers coming forward about Bill Cosby. Although apparently these allegations have been around for quite a while. But it took a bit by a young black male comedian, Hannibal Burress, to really break the story. So maybe what we’re talking here isn’t so much racism, as sexism.

 

 

 

Just win, baby?

November 21, 2014

Scary thing,  if a couple conceived a child celebrating the  Oakland Raiders’ last win, that baby would be 3 months old now.

Derek Carr praising Jesus and God after the Oakland Raiders’ win tonight. And God is thinking “Ah, you’re now 1 and 10. Don’t blame anything about this season on me.”

Jesus on the other hand, might be comparing tonight to his work with Lazarus.

Mike Nichols, 82, director of “The Graduate,” has died. Will his coffin be made of “Plastics”?

 

Stanford QB Kevin Hogan, who will graduate in June, but could stay for Master’s degree, says he is considering foregoing his final year of eligibility to enter the NFL draft. And Cardinal fans are thinking, “ah, you could get that graduate degree anytime…”

The NFL moved the Jets vs. Bills game from Buffalo this weekend, and postponed it to Monday in Detroit. The Meadowlands in East Rutherford might have been available after the Giants game Sunday. But local fans are probably thinking “Thank goodness they didn’t foist that crappy match-up on us.”

The Buffalo Bills were offering $10 an hour and free tickets to their Sunday game against the Jets for fans willing to shovel snow. New York fans were hoping that show could be shoveled on to the Jets?

 

In Buffalo, Mario Williams apparently used a snow plow to help dig retired QB Jim Kelly out of the snowstorm. If the storm moves down to New York City, hope Geno Smith is well stocked with emergency supplies.

Country star Ty Herndon singer has come out of the closet, or the barn as the case may be. Good for him. But really, most country songs work fine for gay or straight relationships. Just change the pronoun of who did you wrong.

A list made by an Australian man on why he ended a relationship with his girlfriend has gone viral. One reason he listed was that she was rude to his cat. Millions of women are now trying to find his number.

Britain is about to lift their ban on women in combat, prompting a warning from retired army colonel Richard Kemp, that this would put lives in danger because women lack “the killer instinct.” Clearly this is a man who has never ventured into the first day of a major pre or post Christmas sale.

Barry Manilow is having a “ONE LAST TIME!” Tour. And many Americans, especially men, are thinking “Promise?”

Ted Cruz criticized President Obama’s executive order on immigration by adapting “The words of Cicero — powerfully relevant 2,077 years later,” Uh, did Cruz really want to reference a man most of his supporters have never heard of and think must have lived with dinosaurs?

There’s a petition to cancel the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting”, because of the Duggars’ anti-LGBT stance, and Michelle’s referring to transgenders as “child predators.” Of course, there’s another way that doesn’t interfere with their rights for free speech, however ignorant it may be. – “Just don’t watch.”

At least 10 people have died in the massive winter storm that has blanked Buffalo. We can tell the midterm elections are over though, the GOP is not blaming it on Obama.

Not so great debate?

December 9, 2011

Rick Perry became the latest GOP presidential contender to opt out of Trump’s debate. Had he stayed in, the Donald would have had three confirmed candidates. And three is not a number Perry feels comfortable with.

The only candidates confirmed for the Trump debate are Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Of course, most people think that in the big picture Gingrich is really taking on Mitt Romney. And given Newt’s history of “flexibility” on his positions, maybe Gingrich can use the time to debate himself.

Trump’s debate is scheduled for December 27. At this point it may end up as eagerly anticipated as the Clippers’ season opener.

In honor, or maybe I should say “dishonor” of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, Spirit Airlines is having a “seat selling” sale, of $14 one-way fares from Chicago to seven cities. Of course what they don’t say, if you take advantage of their “seat-selling” you may end up feeling somewhat “confined.”

(Of course, if they really wanted to emulate Blagojevich, maybe Spirit should be trying to sell the same seat to several different people.)

Kris Humphries will be baking cookies Friday morning on “Good Morning, America.” Wonder how long it will take one of the Kardashians to say it’s all about self-promotion?

Newt Gingrich’s sister has backed President Obama for re-election. Nice timing, just after any potential family Thanksgiving dinners.

Jerry Sandusky’s wife just said that her husband is innocent of the all child sex abuse allegations against him and that all his accusers are making up their stories. Proving once again, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

(my friend Jim McCann asks “How long would Jerry pause when asked, “Are you still attracted to your wife?”)

People Magazine is reporting that Michelle Duggar has miscarried her 20th child. Sounds like even God is saying “ENOUGH ALREADY!”


The Duggars are enough to make even Tim Tebow consider an ad for Planned Parenthood.

Something no one thought we would hear on sports talk radio in 2011 – discussions of whether the 49ers should rest Alex Smith to keep him healthy and in good shape for the playoffs.

New Democratic ad: “We’re going to close the unproductive tax loopholes that have allowed some of the truly wealthy to avoid paying their fair share. They sometimes made it possible for millionaires to pay nothing, while a bus driver was paying 10% of his salary – and that’s crazy. Do you think the millionaire ought to pay more in taxes than the bus driver?” Quoting that noted liberal Ronald Reagan.

Albert Pujols had indicated he liked St. Louis, but might want to be closer to his family in the Dominican Republic. Guess the Angels gave him 254 million good reasons to try California.

Now that Pujols has signed for $254 million, wonder how Angels pitcher Jared Weaver feels about having given the team that “hometown discount” of a five year $85 million contract.

Rumors that the Rangers now may go after Prince Fielder in response to the Angels’ signing of Albert Pujols. This could end up being a good off-season for the Cubs after all.

Apparently Barack has remembered where he put his cajones. Republican candidates Bachmann, Gingrich, Santorum and Romney accused him in a forum Wednesday of being engaged in a foreign policy of “appeasement.” The President’s response -“Ask Osama bin Laden.

Brett Favre and other babies….

September 5, 2009

In a Walmart earlier this week, a man was accused of slapping a crying whining child. I didn’t even know Michael Crabtree shopped at Walmart.

The Duggars family are expecting their 19th child next March. All 18 of their children have names starting with J. For the next one, may I suggest “Just-say-no.”?

Or as the very funny Alex Kaseberg suggests “Jeez-are-you-kidding?”


Apparently all the Duggars love to watch “Jon and Kate plus Eight.” Their children are fascinated by small families.


Brett Favre won’t play in the pre-season final game for the Vikings against the Cowboys. Which gives him time to film his latest commercial – a solo version of the Miller Lite classic “Tastes great, less filling.”


Whatever else happens this weekend, the Vikings need to keep Favre away from the over 500 store “Mall of America.” If he goes in to look for a present for someone, he could be gone for days.


Who says size matters? Pedro Martinez and Tim Lincecum allowed only 3 runs in 15 innings between them Thursday night. And the two of them together weigh less than Shaquille ONeal.

(heck, the two of them together might weigh less than C.C. Sabathia.)


Although, not to take anything away from the Hall of Fame career of Pedro Martinez, but surely any great pitching performance this year against the Giants’ lineup REALLY deserves an asterisk.


And this is tacky, but….

Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill.