Posted tagged ‘Presidential primary jokes’

Moving on.

June 5, 2015

Anthony Davis, 25, retired today, the fourth SF 49er to quit football this offseason. And 49ers season ticket holders are thinking – you can do that?

One of the Republicans supporting President Obama’s efforts to normalize relations with Cuba is South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford, who has filed a bill to remove all travel restrictions to the island for Americans. Hmm…. because maybe Sanford thinks some day he might to need to hike there?

 

Brittney Griner filed for an annulment after only being married for 28 days to fellow WNBA star Glory Johnson. As if anyone had any doubt that gay celebrity marriages weren’t really that different from straight ones.

God Bless Texas. As Hillary Clinton pointed out, a student ID is not sufficient proof of identity to vote…. but a gun permit qualifies.

Meanwhile, U.S. officials are saying that Chinese hackers have hacked into the computer networks of the U.S. government personnel office and may have personal information on over 4 million people. Maybe Hillary Clinton’s use of private email server was a lot smarter than we gave her credit for.

Rick Perry in his Presidential race announcement “We must do right, and risk the consequences.” Anyone but me hear “do right” in connection with Rick Perry and think of “Dudley?”

And we thought he had crazy talk about Cuba: Here’s Marco Rubio on Fox News, talking about Iraq, and insisting he doesn’t advocate “nation-building.” “It’s not nation-building. We are assisting them in building their nation.”

Yahoo says it is shutting down Yahoo maps. Shocking. Yahoo still had maps?

 

This might be my favorite story of the week. With all the millions we are spending on trying to track ISIS, the US was able to destroy one of their buildings after Florida airmen noticed one of the terrorists had posted a selfie from a recognizable location. Even those 72 virgins will be telling this guy he’s an idiot.

Hunter Pence was out for tonight’s SF Giants game with tendinitis in his wrist. Let’s hope he didn’t hurt it trying to figure out how to put on a suit for the White House. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

But really, anyone but me kind of hope the Secret Service doesn’t notice this picture of Hunter Pence before the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ play in Washington, D.C. on July 4th weekend? ‪#‎stillcrazyafteralltheseyears‬

hunter

With all the hype over Caitlyn Jenner, who looks like a beautiful movie star, have to wonder, what would be the reaction if the star she looked like was say, the late Phyllis Diller?

Jessa Duggar, now married, defended her brother’s alleged sexual abuse as “mild, inappropriate touching.” Uh, if you were allowed only side-hugs and no kisses until marriage, how the heck would you know what “mild. inappropriate touching” was?

The GOP Primary winner – Are we there yet?

April 4, 2012

Production will begin this September on a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber.” The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries.

Mitt Romney picked up 16 delegates with a win in Washington, D.C. tonight. With a total of 3,122 votes. Not a typo. 3,122. Heck, the Nationals got that many fans when they were the Expos.

Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

Rick Santorum said today that he read that “7 or 8 of the California system of universities don’t even teach an American history course.” Uh, Rick, ALL the UCs and CSU campus teach and require U.S. History, espec for UCSF which is a med school.

So what’s more likely to happen – that Santorum apologizes. Or that he blames this all on the education system that taught him to read.

Sarah Palin on the Today show about Mitt Romney potentially getting the nomination “Anything is still possible. There can still be a bit of a shake-up. But the numbers are what the numbers are.” Palin sounds about as excited by Mitt as most GOP primary voters.

Another weird primary detail. Media reporting “Big win” for Romney in Wisconsin. But he got 42.5 % of vote to Santorum’s 37.7 %. With Paul,Gingrich, Bachmann and Huntsman also getting votes. Meaning 57.5 % of voters still said “Not Obama, but Anyone But Mitt.”

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich had both compared themselves to Kansas last Sunday, after the Jayhawks’ surprising comeback against Ohio State. Did someone tell them that was only the NCAA semi-finals?

Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

Joe Flacco today told a Baltimore radio station that he believes he’s the “best” quarterback in the NFL. Quick, check that man for concussions.

Boston Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will probably need surgery on his thumb, and Josh Beckett has also reported a thumb injury. When will they ever learn – get the ball boys to open your beer cans.

President Obama referred to the Republican House Budget as “Social Darwinism.” Given the views of most of the GOP field, this may be the first time this year “Republican” and “Darwinism” have been used in the same sentence.

Kentucky star Anthony Davis says he hasn’t decided about leaving the team for the NBA draft, saying he’s just going to “sit down with my coach, sit down with my family, see what the best decision is for me.”
When asked if there were particular classes he wanted to take, wonder if Davis responded “classes?”

For April Fool’s Day Air New Zealand offered a “StraightUp” airfare deal that promised “affordable domestic air travel” for anyone willing to use hand holds and stand in the aisle for the duration of the flight.” They’ve confessed the joke, but in the meantime several U.S. carriers started studying the idea.

Tornadoes are ripping through Texas. The winds are strong enough there are rumors that Rick Perry’s hair actually moved.

From comedy writing friend John Roman: A tornado is headed for DFW Airport, where it will probably be delayed for about 2 hours.

President Barack Obama says if President Ronald Reagan was running for president now, he “could not get through a Republican primary today.” Not to mention he’d be the intellectual in the race.

Saturday Night Late.

October 2, 2011

Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?

Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.

The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.

Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.

Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?

A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”


Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.

Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”


Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.


Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”

The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.

Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”


Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”