Posted tagged ‘Kentucky jokes’

Not in our pool?

October 1, 2015

The Houston Astros control their own playoff destiny this weekend in Arizona. So what are the D’backs doing about it – putting a shark in the pool?

On a lighter note, former SF Giants catcher and current Dbacks announcer Bob Brenly apparently had a good time with a sorority group taking nonstop selfies at last night’s game -“Better angle—that’s the best out of the 300 I’ve taken today—welcome to parenting 2015—oh wait, let me take a selfie with the hot dog…” I miss Brenly.

Apple watches are so far under-performing the company’s expectations. Makes some sense, the demographic that is old enough to think they need to wear a watch, is too old to figure out how to use the damn Apple things.

A new study says that “phubbing – (phone snubbing) a significant other frequently can damage romantic relationships and increase depression. Wonder how many people told their partners this and got “Honey, what did you say? I was answering a text.”

Jeremy ‪#‎Affeldt‬ says he will retire at end of season’s end. Guess he wants to spend more time getting injured with his family ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Staples says that they are going to resist the trend of opening on Thanksgiving and will remained closed this year on the holiday. Good of them. But really, who wakes up in the morning and says “Ooh, let’s go shopping for office supplies”?

Five-star forward Wenyen Gabriel announced today he is committing to Kentucky for basketball. Good news for John Calipari. But can we stop referring to them as “recruiting classes.” Nothing about Calipari’s recruiting is about classes..

The NCAA found that guard Keith Frazier passed an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university, but that an admin had logged in as him and completed all the work. Frazier told ESPN “I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know she was doing that class for me.I wasn’t aware of that.”
He might be telling the truth – “You mean I had course work?”

John Boehner has started damage control after Kevin McCarthy intimated that the Benghazi hearings were politically motivated. And I’ll bet the speaker is gleefully thinking “30 more days, 30 more days…..”

Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear is describing county clerk Kim Davis’ reasons for not granting marriage licenses to gay couples as ‘absurd’ and ‘obtuse.: Wonder how many critics are complaining about Beshear using foreign words.

From Bill Littlejohn: “September was the NFL’s first no-arrest month in six years.Except for the 49ers Super Bowl chances going into cardiac arrest.”

The ‪#‎Oregon‬ shooter was a 20 something white male. Surprisingly, alas, almost no one.  –

Maybe the law change we really need to make to reduce mass shootings in this country is to make it illegal for any man under 30 to own more than a single-shot hunting rifle.

It’s seriously a real shame that the serious mental health issues weren’t a major worry when the U.S. was founded. Because had something been put in an amendment, just MAYBE the GOP would be as fervent about mental health rights as they are about gun rights. Well, we can dream anyway.

Too many questions and too much we don’t know about today’s shooting in Oregon. One question for those who support gun rights: Okay,I get your right to hunt and to protect yourself. But how in the world does that necessitate having an assault weapon?

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A mountain of troubles?

September 1, 2015

Donald Trump is now saying he’ll rename “Denali’ back to Mt. McKinley if he’s elected president. And then presumably six months later rename it Mt. Trump.

So if the appeal of Donald Trump is that he is amusing, not absolutely beholden to a particular party ideology and not afraid to be outspoken, why for President in 2016 can’t we draft Jon Stewart?

On the subject of netting at ballparks. As best as I can research, there are 30-40 foul balls hit into the stands in MLB per game. And 2430 games a year. (162 times 15.) Total about 73,000-109,000 balls a year. Bloomberg estimates 1700 injuries from foul balls a year, counting anything that needs first aid..

73,000-109,000 – that’s a lot of childhood and adult ball catching potentially dashed because people don’t pay attention….

So the latest uproar over Hillary’s emails is that her friend Sidney Blumenthal apparently called John Boehner, “lazy, “alcoholic,” “banal and hollow..” Would some of the GOP who are upset about this care to share what they’ve called Clinton and Obama in THEIR emails?”

#‎Youcannotmakethisstuffup‬ item of the month: In SF, police are still searching for a cyclist who during last week’s Critical Mass smashed a Zipcar driver’s window with a metal bike lock. The suspect was wearing a shirt saying “Non-violence is our strength.”

The judge in Brady’s Deflategate appeal hearing ‘anticipates’ decision by end of week. “I can’t wait.” Said at this point nobody. ‪#‎enoughalready‬

So have to wonder, just how low is the unemployment rate in Kentucky that they can’t find a county clerk who actually wants to do their job?

Matt Bevin, Kentucky’s GOP nominee for Governor, says “I absolutely support her (clerk Kim Davis) willingness to stand on her First Amendment rights” and deny gay couples marriage licenses.
So okay, what happens when some other clerk decides to deny licenses to couples where one or both parties are divorced, or too old to have children, or of different religions?

And what about those who have religious feelings against killing animals with hunting licenses?

The latest #youcannotmakethisstuff up: Ms. Davis has not only been married four times, she committed adultery – the proof being twins conceived out of wedlock.

Pope Francis is granting Catholic priests the right to forgive women who have had abortions. Waiting to see the first GOP Presidential candidate to condemn him for being ungodly.

Chris Christie said last night on The Tonight Show that he is going to “go nuclear” in the next Presidential debate. So let’s see, A “nuclear” Christie vs Trump. The winner? CNN with ratings.

Jerry Brown signed a bill today that raised the fee for filing a California ballot initiative from $200 to $2,000. The idea is to discourage using the process for making outrageous statements, like proposals for executing gays, or banning the sale of shellfish.
With all due respect, they’re going to need a higher fee..

From Alex Kaseberg.  “Chicago Cubs’ Jake Arrieta tossed a no-hitter Sunday against the Dodgers. Best no-hitter I’ve seen since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.”

Burning not so bright?

April 9, 2015

Hard to be believe there will come a time when Tiger Woods retires, and ESPN will have to report who’s actually leading a golf tournament as opposed to how Tiger is doing on the course.

The seven top Kentucky scorers are all leaving early for the NBA draft. But the WIldcats are still favored to win the NCAA championship in 2016. Seinfeld used to talk about rooting for laundry, heck, this is rooting for a recruiting class.

President Obama visited the Bob Marley museum in Jamaica and commented that he “had all his albums.” Some in the GOP immediately responded “That’s it, proof that Obama’s a ‘stoner.'” Some in the younger generation responded “what’s an album?”

We’re almost to the NBA playoffs, which don’t end up with a catchy name like “World Series” or “Super Bowl.” Guess there’s just not enough of a ring to “April-May-June Madness”

 

The Minnesota Twins have scored 1 run in their first 36 innings. Are they trying to become the official MLB team of Major League Soccer?

 

#‎TroyPolamalu‬ has retired. Many ‪#‎Steelers‬ fans will fly their hair at half mast.

Well this should make for a fun locker room…. Last year Seahawks DE Michael Bennett called Jimmy Graham “one of the softest players in the NFL.” Now after Graham was traded from New Orleans to Seattle, Bennett said today in a radio interview “I still feel the same way, just because he’s on my team I don’t stop feeling that way.”

An Icelandair plane enroute to Denver was hit by lightning. It landed 7 1/2 half hours later despite a hole in its nose. The aircraft will now be christened “Keith Richards.”

 

Atlanta Hawks forward Thabo Sefolosha apparently fractured his tibia while interfering with police after the 4am stabbing of Indiana Pacers forward Chris Copeland outside “1 Oak.” Hmm, will the Knicks strategy to win next year involve giving opposing players nightclub passes?

 

 

From Marc Ragovin   “Seen in New York: “Welcome to Madison Square. Where the Rangers and Knicks have combined for one President’s Trophy””

The Padres’ Ian Kennedy out with an injury while pitching in the third. Shocking, the 2015 SF Giants are capable of breaking a player who isn’t on their own team?

 

Hard for SF Giants fans to watch Casey McGehee make 2 errors tonight, AND hit into a double play with runners at 1st and 3rd in the 9th. Although Mcgehee is hitting .294. And Pablo Sandoval is hitting .167. ‪#‎theoryofrelativity‬

 

From T.C.  – the groaner of the week.  “Cubs fans had to pee into cups as the restrooms at Wrigley Field were out of order on Opening Day. For those that drank more than a couple of beer, they needed to use a relief pitcher.”

Chris Christie apparently is going to ratchet up his campaigning next week after falling in most polls. One of his NH supporters, Bill Greiner told CNN “John McCain was left for dead in 2007 and 2008, and look what happened. Gov. Christie is very similar to McCain.”
Does this mean the NJ Gov. will get the nomination and then pick a complete whack job for a running mate?

On a serious note, just wondering, if they can put a camera and computer in a little phone, or a watch, why can’t they put a camera in a gun? Like a police gun. Like all police guns.

And then there were 2.

April 5, 2015

Some Kentucky players didn’t shake Wisconsin’s hands, Andrew Harrison calls Kaminsky the N-word. Guess another problem with the one-and-done mentality is that not only do professors not teach them anything, Calipari didn’t teach them how to lose.

 

But really, Wisconsin had motivation from a Final Four loss last year late on a Kentucky 3-point shot.  Had many Wildcats been revenge minded from 2014 they’d have had to track down high school opponents.

 

Frank Kaminsky said of the racial slur from Andrew Harrison after the racial slur last night.  “He reached out to me, we talked about it, [I’m] over it, Nothing needs to be made out of it.”Classy of Frank.  Of course, maybe it helps that  a- this might have been the first time that a white guy from Illinois with Polish heritage got attacked with the N word, and b – the Badgers won.

 

At least 29 arrests in Lexington after Kentucky’s loss to Wisconsin last night. Come on, can’t they make it 38 misdemeanors and 1 felony?

Well, on the brighter side for Kentucky players, they’ll get a lot more comfortable in losing next year playing next year for the 76ers, Lakers, Knicks…

 

Apparently after the semi-final game, Kentucky fans were rioting and lighting things on fire in the streets. Imagine how classy they would have been if the Wildcats actually won.

 

“Tell him good bye.” ‪#‎LonSimmns‬, 91, has passed away. Another great who will not outlast Candlestick. ‪#‎Byebyebaby‬

Rick Santorum, “Tolerance is a two-way street. If you’re a print shop and you are a gay man, should you be forced to print ‘God hates fags’ for the Westboro Baptist Church because they hold those signs up?” Uh oh. Is Santorum feeling so confident that he’s willing to risk the truly looney vote?

 

The Obama family attended Easter Sunday Alexandria’s Alfred Street Baptist Church, a predominantly African-American church. No doubt the reaction from many conservatives was split between accusing the President of pandering to minorities, to saying this confirmed his Muslim Baptist tendencies.

It’s clearly his fault….

March 19, 2015

Texas Southern – gone, SMU – gone, Texas – gone, Baylor – gone. Last time the state of Texas had a day this bad, the Alamo was involved.

Stephen F. Austin makes a strong showing but joins Thursday’s Texas ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ loss parade. How long will it take Ted Cruz to blame Obama?

So many upsets and busted brackets that with their lack of  productivity today, American office workers are being named honorary members of Congress. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

That stampeding sound you hear is every potential GOP Presidential candidate rushing to tell Iowans “I feel your pain.”

(UAB over Iowa State.)

Looking good for cat brackets. Georgia State is the Panthers. (Two most common reactions across America – “Georgia State has a Panther mascot?” “Georgia State has a team?”)

 

How many of their nine lives did ‪#Bearcats‬ use in beating ‪#‎Purdue‬?    And thus earning a beat down by Kentucky.

 

But really, Bearcats are  not real cats. But that last Cincinnati shot at the buzzer in regulation sure looked like voodoo was involved. ‪#‎Marchmadness‬

It has been an absolute consensus that ‪#‎UCLA‬ did not belong in the ‪#‎NCAATournament‬. Apparently neither did ‪#‎SMU‬
Getting into the NCAA tournament when with their record they belonged in the NIT, then winning on a disputed goal tending call on a 3-point shot. Well, maybe God IS a UCLA Bruin. Or maybe he/she REALLY doesn’t like that east coast bias.
Larry Brown says Kentucky could make the playoffs in the NBA East. Coach John Calipari is thinking “Make the playoffs in the East? That’s absurd. We should be at least a five seed.”
Liza Minnelli is back in rehab. At this point is she getting a frequent stay discount?
The SF Giants announced that Angel Pagan is having back issues, will need an injection, and will miss at least another three games. So congrats to everyone who had March 19 in the pool.
President Obama yesterday publicly mulled the idea of mandatory voting. Why go to the trouble of making it the law? Just give everyone who votes a lottery ticket…. The USA would be at 90% turnout in no time.
Israel PM Benjamin Netanyahu, after promising during his campaign that there would be no Palestinian state, today said “I don’t want a one-state solution. I want a sustainable, peaceful two-state solution…” So I guess he has more in common with American politicians than many of us thought.

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If you’re reading this…. shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

March 18, 2015

Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”

 

Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?

President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”

 

#‎ESPN‬ headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. ‪#‎Kentucky‬ ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Arizona‬ etc. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”

Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?

Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”

Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.

Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.

 

From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.

The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.

T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?

Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.

Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”

‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, on so many levels.

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Throwing darts?

March 15, 2015

Amazing how many people who will wait until April 14, or file for extensions. with their taxes because they don’t have time, will spend most of this evening on their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets.

 

 

It’s late night on Selection Sunday and most Americans are hard at working trying to predict who’s going to end up in the finals losing to Kentucky.

As if we didn’t need more proof that sports is a young and fit person’s game, Georgia State won the Sun Belt championship today, which got them into the NCAA tournament. And coach Ron Hunter, while celebrating the win on the court, tore his ACL. (Somebody at the SF Giants guard Jeremy Affeldt if one of his underdog bracket teams wins.)

 

There were lots of disappointed bubble teams today on March Madness Selection Sunday. But based on their record, it should have been at least a ten seed for the NY Knicks

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Almost as much of a tradition as the ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ selection, is the bitching from teams who think they were one of the “first four out.” Right. Because they were denied a chance to get destroyed in the first round.

While much of the country is concerned about their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ seeding, here in the SF Bay Area fans of local teams were wondering if Stanford and Cal had a chance to meet in the ‪#‎NIT‬ finals.

(Alas, Cal ended up on the wrong side of the NIT bubble, and turned down a CBI bid. )

The ‪#‎NIT‬ selection committee has a sick sense of humor. #Stanford‬, the #2 seed, opens against ‪#‎UCDavis‬.

Blake Griffin is back after missing most of the last month with a right elbow injury. Although presumably the Clippers center will be careful now and only flop on his left side.

 

 

Al Rosen had a third of a page obituary in today’s NY Times. About half dedicated to his time with the Indians, most of the rest to his time as President of the Yankees, and two short lines total to his time as GM of the Astros and SF Giants. ‪#‎whateastcoastbias‬?

So now it comes out that Jeb Bush used personal email to discuss security and Middle East military issues while governor of Florida. And no doubt back and forth allegations will continue. At least we can all be grateful that neither JFK or Bill Clinton had the ability to email, nor worse, text, while in office….

 

Designers Dolce & Gabbana, said in an interview that they were against gay adoptions, but also “‘No chemical offsprings and rented uterus… And Dolce added “it must be an act of love… I call children of chemistry, synthetic children.”

Elton John has angrily called for a boycott of the brand. But leaving gay parenting out, guess D & G are so ignorant they don’t realize that the same heterosexual couples who can afford to buy their stuff are the same couples who can afford IVF and other high-priced fertility treatments. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, designer division.

Okay, I’ve got it, we can’t have a vote on attorney general nominee Loretta Lynch because Mitch McConnell won’t allow it. Until and unless the Senate passes a human trafficking bill, where the GOP has inserted anti-abortion language that Democrats act like they finally just read….And we wonder why Americans are turned off by politics.

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