Posted tagged ‘Apple jokes’

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Zero is a number, right?

April 6, 2016

 

So in 2016 what’s more likely in California? The ‪#‎Warriors‬ get to 73 wins? Or the ‪#‎Padres‬ get to 73 runs?

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#‎SDPadres‬ are working on a three game scoreless streak to open 2016 season. Are they trying to become official ‪#‎MLB‬ team of ‪#‎MLS‬ Major League Soccer.

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Well, darn, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ aren’t going to go 162-0. Probably better off not to tire them for the playoffs anyway.

Blue Jays manager John Gibbons complained after MLB’s new slide rule cost Toronto a run in a 5-3 loss to the Rays, “They’re trying to put dresses on us.” Uh, Gibbons, whine all you want. Then go watch “League of their Own” and find a new metaphor. ‪#‎Theresnocryinginbaseball‬

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Rockies rookie SS Trevor Story is the first MLB player since 1900 to homer in his first three games. Even more amazing, Story hasn’t played at Coors Field yet.

 

Open note to @SenSanders & @HillaryClinton: Knock off the negativity. When ‪#‎GOP‬ is in a circus hole, stand back & watch them dig tent poles.

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Meanwhile, how powerful is ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬? He’s managed to make ‪#‎TedCruz‬ seem like the more palatable GOP alternative.

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At a Texas elementary school, the principal has banned parents from setting foot on campus, meaning they can neither walk their kids to school nor pick them up, unless those parents wait in a long line in their cars. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬ No, wait…. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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George Mason, whose law school wanted to honor the late Supreme Court Judge, has now switched its name to Antonin Scalia Law School. This after the internet pointed out the original change -the Antonin Scalia School of Law – was ASSLaw or ASSoL. Think they had it right the first time.

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No injuries were reported when Apple employee shuttle bus caught fire today on a freeway in Northern Calfornia at about 630a this morning. It’s actually a shocking story – there are computer geeks UP at 630a in the morning?

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Your daily dose of “blech”: Ann Coulter is now saying that Donald Trump will protect Americans from “Latin American rape culture.” Not sure which is harder to believe, that women would have affairs with Ted Cruz or that men of any culture would want Ann Coulter.

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Walt Disney World is now offering guests who pay an extra $69 per person ($59 for kids) the chance to enter the Magic Kingdom earlier and avoid some of the longest lines. Great, leaving aside the class divide aspect, now in the summer, we can look forward to even grouchier parents yelling at their hot and even tireder kids about how much money they spent and THEY.SHOULD.BE.HAVING.FUN.DAMMIT

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United Airlines is celebrating their 90th birthday. Curiously enough, that seems to be the same age as some of their planes.

 

Pfizer Inc, which had planned to avoid U.S. tax rates by merging with Allergan Plc, of Ireland, has scrapped the deal after the Treasury instituted new anti-inversion rules. I blame Obama.

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John Kasich can clinch the GOP nomination if he wins 125% of the remaining primary delegates. Well, math was always a liberal commie pinko concept anyway.

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In San Francisco, ParkingCupid, parking version of Airbnb is offering parking places in garages and driveways for up to $400 a month. At that price are customers allowed to sleep in their cars?

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Duff cat

February 18, 2016

How can you not love the SF Giants’ Matt Duffy. Or at least his cat Skeeter?

duffcat

the caption from duffcat35 –
“said goodbye to Matty this morning.  Season, here we come!  #evenyear #springtraining #arizona #duffman #duffcat
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Most ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans were unhappy to see Pablo Sandoval leave but this year they have to be thrilled to have Matt Duffy, a 3rd baseman who is not only younger and about $18.5 million a year cheaper, but whose only weight issues belong to his cat.

 

It just gets better. Now Yankees COO Lonn Trost says he doesn’t like fans who paid retail selling tickets cheaply on sites like Stubhub: “It’s not that we don’t want that fan to sell it, but that fan is sitting there having paid a substantial amount of money for a ticket and (another) fan picks it up for a buck-and-a-half and sits there, and it’s frustrating to the purchaser of the full amount. And quite frankly, the fan may be someone who has never sat in a premium location. So that’s a frustration to our existing fan base.”
Clearly, they need a violin section to fill those premium empty seats….‪#‎thehumanity‬

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Coach Mike Krzyzewski says he will still coach the U.S. Olympic team, despite planned knee replacement surgery after the NCAA season is over. Hmm, thought the only active big name in basketball old enough for knee replacement surgery was Tim Duncan.

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Colts linebacker Jonathan Newsome was arrested near Indianapolis last night and JAILED over two counts of marijuana possession. Add another to the list of potential free agents who want to sign with the Denver Broncos.

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Adele said “‘I cried pretty much all day” after the Grammys. Maybe she can write a song about the experience.

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With this Apple/San Bernadino thing I think I’ve figured out many Americans’ approach to privacy – the government should do everything necessary to keep me safe, as long as it doesn’t involve my own personal information.

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The Tax Policy Center analyzed Ted Cruz’s proposed 10% flat tax and said not only would it favor the wealthy, but it would cost the country $8.6 trillion over a decade. Waiting for Cruz to respond that numbers have a liberal bias.

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Thinking Will Rogers never met ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ or ‪#‎TedCruz‬.

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Pope Francis on Trump. “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian,” Going to be fun now to see the Donald attack the Pope.

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Walmart is giving all their employees pay raises this year, so the average full-time worker will make $13.38. (about $25,000 a year.) Part-timers will get an an average hourly wage of $10.58. They say it will cost them $1.6 billion for their 1.4 million workers.
By comparison Walmart’s top 6 executives make a combined total of $76 million….

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After a DNA test, Bristol Palin has apparently conceded in a custody and support battle that former fiance Dakota Meyer is the father of her 2 month old daughter. So how many options were there? ‪#‎abstinenceambassador‬

 

 

Sandra Day O’Connor,  who thinks Obama should nominate a new Supreme Court judge, and the Senate confirm him or her. “We need somebody in there to do the job and just get on with it.”

Three words “You go girl.”

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As the conspiracy theories fly on Scalia, the Borowitz Report once again has it right: “The only suspect I have definitively ruled out is Mitch McConnell,” a leading conspiracy theorist said. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where he accomplished something.”

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Not in our pool?

October 1, 2015

The Houston Astros control their own playoff destiny this weekend in Arizona. So what are the D’backs doing about it – putting a shark in the pool?

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On a lighter note, former SF Giants catcher and current Dbacks announcer Bob Brenly apparently had a good time with a sorority group taking nonstop selfies at last night’s game -“Better angle—that’s the best out of the 300 I’ve taken today—welcome to parenting 2015—oh wait, let me take a selfie with the hot dog…” I miss Brenly.

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Apple watches are so far under-performing the company’s expectations. Makes some sense, the demographic that is old enough to think they need to wear a watch, is too old to figure out how to use the damn Apple things.

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A new study says that “phubbing – (phone snubbing) a significant other frequently can damage romantic relationships and increase depression. Wonder how many people told their partners this and got “Honey, what did you say? I was answering a text.”

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Jeremy ‪#‎Affeldt‬ says he will retire at end of season’s end. Guess he wants to spend more time getting injured with his family ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Staples says that they are going to resist the trend of opening on Thanksgiving and will remained closed this year on the holiday. Good of them. But really, who wakes up in the morning and says “Ooh, let’s go shopping for office supplies”?

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Five-star forward Wenyen Gabriel announced today he is committing to Kentucky for basketball. Good news for John Calipari. But can we stop referring to them as “recruiting classes.” Nothing about Calipari’s recruiting is about classes..

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The NCAA found that guard Keith Frazier passed an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university, but that an admin had logged in as him and completed all the work. Frazier told ESPN “I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know she was doing that class for me.I wasn’t aware of that.”
He might be telling the truth – “You mean I had course work?”

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John Boehner has started damage control after Kevin McCarthy intimated that the Benghazi hearings were politically motivated. And I’ll bet the speaker is gleefully thinking “30 more days, 30 more days…..”

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Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear is describing county clerk Kim Davis’ reasons for not granting marriage licenses to gay couples as ‘absurd’ and ‘obtuse.: Wonder how many critics are complaining about Beshear using foreign words.

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From Bill Littlejohn: “September was the NFL’s first no-arrest month in six years.Except for the 49ers Super Bowl chances going into cardiac arrest.”

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The ‪#‎Oregon‬ shooter was a 20 something white male. Surprisingly, alas, almost no one.  –

Maybe the law change we really need to make to reduce mass shootings in this country is to make it illegal for any man under 30 to own more than a single-shot hunting rifle.

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It’s seriously a real shame that the serious mental health issues weren’t a major worry when the U.S. was founded. Because had something been put in an amendment, just MAYBE the GOP would be as fervent about mental health rights as they are about gun rights. Well, we can dream anyway.

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Too many questions and too much we don’t know about today’s shooting in Oregon. One question for those who support gun rights: Okay,I get your right to hunt and to protect yourself. But how in the world does that necessitate having an assault weapon?

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Not sure about Pepsi?

May 31, 2015

When I asked for a Coke Zero on a plane today, a United flight attendant gave me the entire can, unopened. So are soda cans off the weapons list?

Or is Coke Zero safer than Diet Coke?

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In Takhatpur, India, villagers had a wedding ceremony between two frogs.  They are in the midst of a drought and frog marriages are supposed to invoke the rain gods.  Could be very disappointing for one frog if a kiss turns one of them into a prince or princess.

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Now, if this frog marriage stuff works it opens up all kinds of possibilities for California. But can we have same-sex frog marriages?

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A recycling center in California is looking for a woman who dropped off a vintage Apple Computer. They sold it for $200,000 and want to give her half. Hmm, wonder what I could get for my Blackberry.

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At a Four Seasons in Texas, Johnny Manziel got frustrated with a fan and threw a water bottle at him. Fortunately the situation didn’t escalate any further, as no doubt Manziel’s throw missed the guy by a foot.

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John Kerry, 71, broke his leg in a bike accident in the French Alps. Not sure if the Secretary of State still thinks he’s young enough to be President, but he clearly thinks he’s still young enough to be riding a fancy racing bike..

Apparently Kim Kardashian is pregnant again. And she’s said “It is an adjustment trying to balance a career and motherhood for sure, but the key is to prioritize.” Kim Kardashian has a career?

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Darwin nominee for the week. In Maryland, a man was fatally burned after he lit a cigarette while trying to pump his own gas at a service station. So is this a potential new marketing strategy for electric cars? “We don’t just save the environment.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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The Washington Nationals put Stephen Strasburg on the DL with neck stiffness. Wonder if Strasburg, who had an 2015 ERA of 6.55, strained it by all that turning around to see balls hit off him this season.

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Guess war doesn’t count? Jeb Bush today suggested the budget deficit during his brother’s administration was because W. “let the Republican Congress get a little out of control, in terms of the spending.” But hey, okay, is Jeb suggesting we elect him along with a Democratic House and Senate?

From T.C.   Country star Garth Brooks had to cancel his three shows in Tampa in order to accomodate the NHL Lightning’s Stanley Cup home games. See, this is what happens when you only have friends in low places.

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It’s about time?

April 16, 2015

Too easy but someone’s got to do it. The Apple Watch, scheduled to be in stores April 24, now won’t be there until June. Isn’t the first function of a watch to be on time?

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Chris Christie Tuesday said if elected President that he would enforce federal law against states that have legalized marijuana. “I will crack down and not permit it.” Whatever happened to small government “states’ rights” conservatism?

Guessing whatever electoral map the New Jersey Governor has in his head never included California, Washington and Colorado?

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A West Virginia woman is suing Walt Disney Corporation, claiming that the company somehow inserted a rubber chip in her body without her consent. Really, does she expect to convince a judge or jury that Disney does ANYTHING for free?

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So last year United Airlines took away free alcohol on international flights in coach Now they’re announcing that as of June 1 they’re offering free beer and wine to international economy class passengers. Kind of the airline equivalent of doubling prices before a “Buy one get one free” sale.

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Washington State Auditor Troy Kelley has been indicted on tax-evasion charges. You’d think if nothing else he’d have been smart enough not to get caught.

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So with the Warriors having the best record in the NBA, and the Spurs having the best record over the past few weeks, Vegas has of course made the favorite to win the championship – the Cavaliers. Well, makes sense, they are the closest team to the East Coast.

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Toronto-based Ashley Madison is going public but in England. Going to to be interesting to see how many people buy stock who will swear they never use the website.

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Really? Rush Limbaugh and others are attacking Hillary Clinton for not tipping at Chipotle, and for not introducing herself and mingling with other customers. So a- how many of these folks tip at fast food restaurants, and b- if she HAD gone in and started talking to customers, Clinton would have been accused of disrupting normal Americans’ lunch for a photo op. ‪#‎canweactuallytalkaboutissues‬?

If she had left a $20 she’d have been criticized for trying to buy votes. #cantwin

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The NBA playoffs are starting. But to put in perspective how crazily long the process is, if baseball used the same format, the World Series “Fall Classic” could end in December.

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The D.A in the Aaron Hernandez case said “the fact that he was a professional athlete meant nothing in the end.”. True, but had Hernandez not been an athlete they’d have locked him up and thrown away the key a long time ago. Instead of after a months long trial with the best defense money could buy.

 

#‎BruceBochy‬ turned 60 today. As the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎DBacks‬ game goes into the 12th, right about now he’s got to be feeling 70.

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Some of the younger generation may find it hard to imagine travelling without cellphones. But just as hard to imagine now travelling with luggage without wheels.

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A new wrinkle in time?

September 9, 2014

 

In Northern California, they are hunting a mountain lion who apparently injured a 6 year old boy on a popular hiking trail. Officials said the cougar ambushed the boy “as if he was prey.” Uh, AS IF?.

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William and Kate are expecting another baby. Makes sense, now that Prince George is over a year old, they need another royal up in the middle of the night to keep Harry company.

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Apple’s new $349 smart watch acts as a remote control, a mobile payment device, and a pulse monitor. But can it tell time?

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Apparently a long-lost collection of Dr. Seuss stories is hitting the bookstores today. No doubt some in the younger generation are asking “Who’s Dr. Seuss?” And still others are asking “what’s a bookstore?”

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Seems like only a few days ago that the biggest PR worry the #NFL had was dealing with the #MichaelSam “distraction.”

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Since the #NFL tries to monetize everything how long until we have a Fantasy Football League with points scored based on suspensions and arrests?

 

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Perhaps a bright spot in the whole #RayRice saga is that people are paying attention. Back when Lawrence Phillips beat up his ex-girlfriend and was dragging her down the stairs by her hair when someone interceded, Nebraska coach Tom Osborn let him play in the national championship, And three NFL teams, including the 49ers signed him, despite more off-field “troubles” including a second arrest (and a no contest plea) for assaulting a woman.

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On a bright note for #NY sports the #RayRice situation has knocked Eli Manning and the Giants s*cking off the front page.

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I feel somewhat sorry for Janay Palmer, who is now angry at the MEDIA for turning her life into a “horrible nightmare.” There’s a lot that s*cks (technical term) about being a public figure. But the media didn’t knock her out in that elevator.

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Kentucky coach John Calipari is reportedly organizing a two-day scouting combine featuring Wildcat players only for NBA teams. Wonder if someone asked him if the combine would conflict with classes. (“Classes”?)

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Nicole Kidman recently said that the celebrity hacked photos story is “very superficial” and “why that would even make news astounds me, but a lot of what makes the news astounds me. I do think we need to be talking about the violence in the world, in terms of Iraq, violence towards women, education and women, what’s happening in Afghanistan.” Well, she got her wish on the “violence towards women” part.

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A preliminary investigation shows that Malaysia Airlines flight 17 was likely struck by multiple “high-energy objects from outside the aircraft,” which caused it to crash. What was their first clue?

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Not enough millions to buy a clue?

May 21, 2013

Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

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Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

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Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

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Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

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A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

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From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.

 

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The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

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Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

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Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.

 

 

A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

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Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.

 

New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

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As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

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Lost?

November 28, 2012

The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.

 

Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.

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Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.

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Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…

 

Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.

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First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?

 

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The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.

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Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their  crosstown rivals?

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When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….

 

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Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?

 

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The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.

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Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.

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Lost?

September 29, 2012

CNN Headline today “Apple seems to have gotten a little bit lost.” Uh, that’s probably because they used their own Maps app.

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Keegan Bradley and Phil Mickelson won a Ryder Cup match with a record tying 7 and 6 victory over Lee Westwood and Luke Donald. Prompting many Americans who heard the news to chant “USA, USA, USA – uh, I have no idea what a 7 and 6 victory means.”

 

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In a statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that “fans deserve better.” Tell us about it, said Cleveland Browns fans.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger said his estranged wife hasn’t read his tell-all book, but added “I think that Maria is, you know, wishing me well in everything I do.” Well, maybe UNTIL she reads the book.

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How many people heard “Fox airs suicide live” and thought they were showing another Mitt Romney 47% speech?

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TLC plans 3 new episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Great news for tv viewers who find “Keeping up w/ the Kardashians” too intellectual.

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Karl Rove said this week of the Presidential campaign. “There are 11 different ways to win without Ohio.” True, and about 100 ways to lose.

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Ben Affleck interviewed about his 7 year marriage to Jennifer Garner: “For a successful marriage, one, a man needs to know who the boss is, and two, he needs to know it’s not him.”

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Bud Light has new “Limited Edition NFL Kickoff” cans. If you save one and display it on your mantle, you might be a Redneck.

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The head coach of a Tustin, California children’s Peewee (10-11 year olds) football team has been suspended, along with the league president, after players allegedly were offered $50 in cash to knock opponents out of games. Shocking. What ever happened to rewards like doughnuts and Slurpees?.

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Congrats to Homer Bailey on his no-hitter tonight. But the way the Pirates are playing should the game have an asterisk?

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Can you find me now?

September 28, 2012

Many customers are so unhappy with Apple’s new Maps application that they want to storm the company headquarters. Fortunately for Apple, if they use the new App they’ll never find it.

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You can tell many in the sports world have moved on when ESPN radio guys muse without a trace of irony today about Michael Vick being on a short leash.

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Give the Ryder Cup credit, who’d a thunk you’d ever hear a “USA USA” chant on a golf course?

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Rex Ryan now admits he mistook Alex Smith for Aaron Rodgers at this year’s NFL awards. Didn’t know Smith and Rodgers had the same shoe size.

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And who ever thought before this lockout that anyone would ever see this headline? “Fans greet NFL refs with standing ovation.”

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United Airlines beverage napkin: “Planes change. Values don’t’. Your priorities will always be ours.”. Even Romney and Obama on the campaign trail are crying bullsh*t.

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Sign of how far civilization has come – Direct TV on planes. Sign that the Mayans may have been rIght – one offering is “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

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Wonder why the Cleveland Indians fired manager Manny Acta with only six games left in the season? Guess they wanted him to suffer this year  as much as the fans did.

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The NBA says they will institute procedures to reduce “flopping.”  Instead of fouls during the game, however, the league office will probably do postgame reviews, and fine the offenders.   Will they refer to the new rule as the “Ginobili tax?”

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TGIF – again?

July 6, 2012

The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.

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The Giants’ Aubrey Huff,  hitting .155 and  on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?

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Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”

(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)

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According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?

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An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.

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Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?

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Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?

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Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.

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David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.

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Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”

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Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”

(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”

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Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)

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Can you hear me now?

June 13, 2012

Apple has a lot of plans to expand Siri. Is this really the best idea? As most married women know, men may start out paying a lot of attention to a specific female voice, but over the years learn to tune it out.

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Roger Clemens chose not to testify in his own defense at his trial. Had Roger just not VOLUNTEERED to testify before Congress in the first place,  think of the tiime and money that would have been saved.

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So if Mitt Romney really believes the private sector does so much better a job than government workers, and he really cares about his family as much as he claims to do, why doesn’t he fire his Secret Service detail and use private security?

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Inspired by Peter Woolery: In Los Angeles hockey fans are listening to “We are the Champions.” In New Jersey, it’s “Sympathy for the Devil.”

 

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A tale of two cities: The population of Cleveland in 2010, 396,815, metropolitan area 2,063,283. Oklahoma City 579,999, with a metro-area population of 1,252,987. Early times in the NBA finals, but maybe size isn’t all that matters.

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This summer Burger King is offering a sundae with vanilla ice cream, fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon. Where’s NY Mayor Bloomberg when we really need him?

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Sleaze update of the day. Former PSU asst. coach Mike McQueary testified today about seeing Jerry Sandusky in the show with a boy who looked about 10-12 and that he heard a “skin-on-skin smacking sound.” One question for McQueary, how did you live with yourself seeing Sandusky regularly around campus after that?

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Casey Anthony in a phone interview with Piers Morgan. “Obviously I didn’t kill my daughter.” “Obviously?” Well, not exactly.

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But really, why did Casey Anthony choose now to do a public interview?  Was she afraid Jerry Sandusky would take her “Most Hated American” title?

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Senator Harry Reid of Nevada said today that Manny Pacquiao was robbed in his match against Timothy Bradley. Wonder if this means when the government gets through with spending millions on the Clemens trial, they will go after boxing next.

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Sources say an open container of alcohol was found in Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche after her accident. Maybe she figures going back to jail is cheaper than rehab?

(My friend Laura T. says “Where’s Johnny Cochran when you need him? The bottle was left in the car by someone else -if the lips don’t fit, you must acquit…”)

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Rory McElroy, the U.S. Open reigning champion, did a nice job of throwing out the first pitch at tonight’s S.F. Giants game. He said he was practicing by throwing golf balls. Hmm, can anyone pick up a package of those for Tim Lincecum?

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Latest MLB controversy, Tigers closer Jose Valverde allegedly throwing a spitball Sunday night against the Reds. Brings to mind Don Sutton’s great denial of putting a foreign substance on the ball: “Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States..

The SF Giants’ 16 game home run drought at A T and T Park is over. So who had Madison Bumgarner in the pool?

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At 37, Vladimir Guerrero has been released by Toronto Blue Jays and is available. Is he past his prime enough for SF Giants to sign him?,

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Lindsay Graham has broken with Grover Norquist’s and his anti-tax pledge. Graham wants the U.S. to eliminate some tax deductions to get out of debt, saying that due to the country’s poor fiscal climate, the Republican party’s position must evolve. What’s more heretical to the rest of the GOP? Effectively raising taxes or talking about evolution?

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Tin cup, tin ear?

June 22, 2010

Tin cup, tin ear, could be the title of a Kevin Costner movie sequel about an aging golf pro who ends up deaf after a trip to the World Cup?

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Florida Marlins’ management said that their free mini-vuvuzela giveaway for their game against the Rays was a success. Players on both teams, however, say it was the worst sound they had heard in a ballpark since Roseanne Barr sang the national anthem..

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The French soccer team is being denounced as a bunch of “divas.” And female singers the world over are going, “No way, we divas are actually talented”

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Red Lobster, which serves raw and steamed oysters at some of their restaurants, will be putting the bivalves on hiatus for a while, due to their major supplier shutting down temporarily due to the oil spill. According to the Orlando Sentinel, “once Red Lobster’s current supply runs out, probably in the next couple of weeks, oysters will come off the menu,” a company spokesman said.

Hmm, a “couple weeks” supply of raw oysters on hand. Doesn’t that make you want to rush right out and order half a dozen next week?.

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Apple’s customer service woes continues as people who pre-ordered the new iPhone are reportedly having their orders cancelled with all kinds of excuses. Who does Apple think they are, Microsoft?

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Most of the cancelled orders are apparently online orders or those made through an iPhone app. Apple says the have live customer service agents who will try to help frustrated customers, but of course, that would require iPhone owners to figure out how to use their current device to actually make a call.

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Portugal beat North Korea 7-0 in the World Cup today. In related news, North Korea said it is just coincidence that the range of the new missiles they are testing is the approximate distance from Pyongyang to Lisbon.

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Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers broke his left fore arm and will miss the start of training camp, apparently from playing flag football. Note to Steve, you’re not supposed to try to tackle the flag.

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Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are postponing their honeymoon so the groom can go back to work on his upcoming film, “Cowboys and Aliens.” Makes sense, Harrison has to make enough money to pay for
Calista’s orthodonthia.

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Sometimes no satire I could write can match reality. This line, forwarded by a friend, is actually in the Texas Republican party platform: “Marriage Licenses – We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.”-

(On more mundane matters, the Texas GOP also wants to ban “Red Light Cameras.” (But they wouldn’t be a felony.)

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