Posted tagged ‘drought jokes’

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Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

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With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

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Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

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Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

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Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

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Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

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#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

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Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

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TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

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Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

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Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

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Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.

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Not sure about Pepsi?

May 31, 2015

When I asked for a Coke Zero on a plane today, a United flight attendant gave me the entire can, unopened. So are soda cans off the weapons list?

Or is Coke Zero safer than Diet Coke?

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In Takhatpur, India, villagers had a wedding ceremony between two frogs.  They are in the midst of a drought and frog marriages are supposed to invoke the rain gods.  Could be very disappointing for one frog if a kiss turns one of them into a prince or princess.

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Now, if this frog marriage stuff works it opens up all kinds of possibilities for California. But can we have same-sex frog marriages?

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A recycling center in California is looking for a woman who dropped off a vintage Apple Computer. They sold it for $200,000 and want to give her half. Hmm, wonder what I could get for my Blackberry.

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At a Four Seasons in Texas, Johnny Manziel got frustrated with a fan and threw a water bottle at him. Fortunately the situation didn’t escalate any further, as no doubt Manziel’s throw missed the guy by a foot.

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John Kerry, 71, broke his leg in a bike accident in the French Alps. Not sure if the Secretary of State still thinks he’s young enough to be President, but he clearly thinks he’s still young enough to be riding a fancy racing bike..

Apparently Kim Kardashian is pregnant again. And she’s said “It is an adjustment trying to balance a career and motherhood for sure, but the key is to prioritize.” Kim Kardashian has a career?

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Darwin nominee for the week. In Maryland, a man was fatally burned after he lit a cigarette while trying to pump his own gas at a service station. So is this a potential new marketing strategy for electric cars? “We don’t just save the environment.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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The Washington Nationals put Stephen Strasburg on the DL with neck stiffness. Wonder if Strasburg, who had an 2015 ERA of 6.55, strained it by all that turning around to see balls hit off him this season.

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Guess war doesn’t count? Jeb Bush today suggested the budget deficit during his brother’s administration was because W. “let the Republican Congress get a little out of control, in terms of the spending.” But hey, okay, is Jeb suggesting we elect him along with a Democratic House and Senate?

From T.C.   Country star Garth Brooks had to cancel his three shows in Tampa in order to accomodate the NHL Lightning’s Stanley Cup home games. See, this is what happens when you only have friends in low places.

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No sharks needed.

May 25, 2015

Despite warnings of dangerous and potentially life-threatening rip currents, 2 swimmers have died and several hundred more have needed to be rescued from Florida beaches this weekend, more than 400 in Volusia County (Daytona Beach area) alone, Darwin would be so proud.

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Just heard Mike Krukow on TV today refer to Bud Selig as a great commissioner of baseball.  So guess Kruk picked up some brownies during ‪#‎SFGiants‬’  Colorado visit?

 

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San Jose police arrested DE Ray McDonald, at the time a member of the Chicago Bears, on a domestic violence charge. This is turning into a twisted version of “Groundhog Day.”

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The Ray McDonald era in Chicago is over. The Bears cut him later Monday. So now the question…. which team will give him a 4th chance?

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With the most recent arrest of Ray MacDonald, former Gators’ coach Urban Meyer is really solidifying his position as leader of the all-time trouble team. ‪#‎Hernandez‬ ‪#‎MacDonald‬ ‪#‎Harvin‬

 

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Horrible flooding in both Texas and Oklahoma. Forget oil.. Shouldn’t someone be able to figure out a way to build a pipeline for water to California?

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Baltimore Orioles reliever Brian Matusz was suspended 8 games today, after being caught Saturday with a sticky substance on his arm. Considering he was the 2nd pitcher caught in a week, thinking MLB should have tacked on more games for stupidity. ‪#‎maybeheshouldhavetriedsomethingdifferent‬?

 

 

Apparently a lot of mall shoppers were upset by a black and white PacSun t-shirt displayed Monday with an upside-down U.S.flag, saying it was “disrespectful” etc. Although if you really want to honor fallen soldiers on Memorial Day, is going to the mall the best way to do it?

 

Basketball fans across the US hoping Stephen Curry is okay. Even in Cleveland, where they’re thinking Steph should think of his long term health, and just take about a month off. ‪#‎WarriorsvsRockets‬

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After the first quarter ‪#‎HoustonRockets‬ were on pace for 180 in regulation tonight.
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Have to wonder how different things might be in the Western Conference NBA finals if the Houston Rockets had only called a time out at the end of game 2?

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Anyone who says baseball is slow has clearly never watched last minutes of ‪#‎NBA‬ game when fouling is a viable option. ‪#‎warriorsvsrockets‬

 

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No whine before its time.

April 1, 2015

Governor Jerry Brown has called for 25% percent mandatory water use reduction in California. So okay, it’s now our civic responsibility to drink wine!

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Don’t THINK this is an April Fool’s. Barbara Walters apparently wants Monica Lewinsky to join “The View.” Where no doubt besides doing interviews Monica will have a forum for telling America that she just wants to be left alone.

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So Kentucky is heading towards a potential 40-0 season. Greatest basketball team of all time? Or more like the greatest crop of high school recruits making a pit stop on the way to the NBA?

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All this excitement from millennials over the new Apple watch. What’s the next new thing going to be – the Apple calculator?

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A woman was arrested at San Jose International Airport after a UPS employee saw her walking inside a fence, the 5th such security breach at the airport in a year. It’s apparently easier to get over a fence at San Jose than to get a bottle of water past TSA.

 

Gary Dahl, 78. the inventor of the Pet Rock has died. And if you think “the what?” guessing you are not a baby boomer.

 

Now that Pet Rocks are back in the news suppose it’s only a matter of time until PETA posthumously vilifies Gary Dahl for not respecting the rights of rocks.

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Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey has been indicted on Federal Corruption charges. Your move, Illinois.

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McDonald’s announced they are raising working pay at all their company-owned U.S. restaurants. So that their employees can now afford to eat somewhere besides McDonald’s?

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Seahawks LB Bruce Irvin sent out a tweet this morning that he’d been arrested for a DUI, then 30 minutes later said it was an April Fool’s joke.   Hmm, how drunk did he have to think it would be funny to make that joke?

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Now the Republican-lead House the Arkansas has passed a “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” of its own. And Wal-Mart immediately issued a statement saying it threatened to undermine “the spirit of inclusion” in the state and “does not reflect the values we proudly uphold.”

Again, impressive. Who knew you could get WAL-MART on the moral high ground?

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Anyone but me think at first that ‪#‎Walmart‬ coming out in support of gay rights was an ‪#‎AprilFools‬ joke? ‪#‎thetimestheyareachangin‬

 

From Marc Ragovin   “The NY Mets announced today that injured second baseman Daniel Murphy, who recently said he would be uncomfortable with a gay teammate, will need to undergo a rehab assignment before he can come off the disabled list. And word is he’s insisting on going to Indiana.”

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