Posted tagged ‘inaugural jokes’

Play ball…. asap

January 23, 2017

Considering everything that is going on in USA right now can we declare a state of emergency requiring baseball to start spring training earlier?

 

#Spurs without Leonard, Ginoboli, Gasol and Parker beat #Nets by 26. This might hurt Brooklyn’s chances for a seeding in March Madness.

Apparently ticket sales for this year’s Super Bowl are starting out slowly. Although maybe jaded Patriots fans saving their money for a more interesting and warmer location than Houston next year forgot the 2018 game is in Minneapolis?

He has since deleted his Twitter account, but Johnny Manziel tweeted today “Yo, POTUS even I know to stay away from the notifications section on twitter. S— will drive you crazy, lead the country and let them hate,”
You really do have to worry about the apocalypse when Johnny Manziel is the voice of reason.

#MarcoRubio wanted Americans to trust him to stand up to our country’s enemies. He can’t even stand up to Trump.

Trump claimed last Thursday that Tom Brady called to congratulation him just before the inauguration. Hmm…. all Matt Ryan might need to make the Falcons America’s new team might be a pussy hat.

Trump is changing America’s relationship status with the rest of the world to “It’s complicated.”

Chelsea Clinton this weekend on social media “Barron Trump deserves the chance every child does — to be a kid.”
Quite true, although Barron’s father is about 60 years past using his own chance..

Steve Kerr is upset about player voting for the NBA All-Star, after many didn’t vote, and out of 324 who did, 128 ignored Lebron and 154 ignored Durant. “I think if you’re going to give the players [the vote], I think they should take it seriously.”
As seriously as many voters took the 2016 Presidential election?

#familyvalues Matthew Wollman, a member of the South Dakota house has resigned after admitting to “consensual sex with two interns who were over 21.” A statement from the SD House Speaker said that Wollmann decided ‘this was best for him, his fiancé, his family and the young ladies involved.’
Well, maybe former fiance?

 

President Trump today issued an executive order to declare Jan. 20, 2017 as “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Saying the proclamation was “to strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country — and to renew the duties of Government to the people.”
Even Kim Jong-Un is thinking, really Mr. President, less is more.

Trump also met with congressional leaders today. Apparently he’s still upset about reported inauguration crowd size. And he claimed again that 3-5 million illegal votes cost him the popular vote.
Anyone out there still doubt the Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis?

Trump administration ordered EPA to freeze all grants & contracts. Now can they toast decision with pitchers of Flint, Michigan water?

One America?

January 21, 2017

Not that America ever could unite easily on anything. But for a suggestion, could I suggest that after Trump’s inaugural that pitchers and catchers report early?

But yes, it won’t be TOO long until the jokes about rich white privilege can at least temporarily be focused on the Yankees.

I’m all for protests against our new @POTUS . But will these protesters remember to make as much of an effort for the 2020 election?

Obama’s last phone call as President was apparently to thank Angela Merkel,. Yes, Germany is last bastion of liberalism #whythereisnosatire

On a brighter note for moderates and liberals, Trump now has his own @realDonaldTrump AND @Potus twitter accounts. Maybe it will keep him busy enough to limit the damage?

 

 

So how many people woke up this morning with the hope of hearing at 12noon. “I was just kidding.”

 

Some complain that Trump’s speech was reminiscent of Batman villain Bane. How silly, it was much more Darth Vader.

It was a great Inauguration speech for all those who hate waiting between Olympics for all those USA USA USA!! chants.

 

“We are going to be protected by God”. Uh, if God was protecting us Trump probably wouldn’t be making this speech.

“For too long a small group of people in Washington have reaped the rewards”. But now I’m going to make sure my rich friends get their share

“Righteous people”. Code for “white men”.

Hate idea of #PresidentTrump as much as anyone. But anyone idiotic enough to protest by destroying property is playing into his rhetoric.

 

#AmericaFirst would be lot more believable if it not spouted from lips of man whose 2 out of 3 wives have been immigrants. #Inauguration

 

Yes, he’s comedy gold, but I’d have preferred to spend day struggling to think of a good inaugural ball pantsuit joke. #Inauguration

 

And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain… #InauguralBall

“Identity politics” is tossed around like “snowflakes” as a derogatory term these days. But I would venture that most people who do the tossing are people who don’t feel justifiably threatened and scared by the new administration.

From Marc Ragovin :” Wonderful inaugural speech by Trump. I hear the Russian judge gave it an 11.”

Voting and other consequences

January 19, 2017

Russell Westbrook left off as a starter for the NBA All-Star team?!. Ah for the days when inexplicable voting by Americans just impacted meaningless exhibition games.

Stanford has 11 players on rosters of the four teams left alive in this weekend’s NFL championship games.  The next closest school, Alabama, has 7.  #nerdnation

Trump has appointed Woody Johnson as his ambassador to Great Britain. So Johnson will do for America’s reputation in England what he’s done for the Jets?

Trump talking about huge crowds for inaugural concert .  Based on actual numbers even the Montreal Expos are giggling.

El Chapo has been extradited over to US. So will Trump name him Drug Czar?

 

Now GOP has set precedent hope Senate Dems feel justified not voting on any potential Supreme Court nominee. Only 1383 days to next election.

Trump doesn’t like PC, wonder why he didn’t ask the Stanford band to perform at inaugural – they could have played Yellow River.

So when Trump takes oath of office will he be saying “So help me, me.”?

Spokesman Sean Spicer says Trump’s incoming cabinet will have diversity. Yes, rich and richer.

Rumors are that Trump plans to privatize the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. So will PBS be replaced by “Trump TV?”

Rick Perry “After being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
Because, hey, don’t we all want to close things down when we have no idea what they do?

Donald and Melania Trump arrived at their inaugural concert to the music of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” #Truthinadvertising

Treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin admitted in confirmation hearing today while he headed OneWest Bank, he now regrets kicking some people out of their homes. And one of the “”most troubling” of the foreclosures “was actually to the Octomom.”
At the Onion they are going, “that’s it, we quit. Can’t compete.”

Trump in a speech tonight, “Next time, four years from now, next time we’re going to win the old fashioned way.” As in without Russian help or by getting the most votes?

Nancy Sinatra, when asked how she felt about Trump using “My Way” for the first dance at his inaugural, responded, “Just remember the first line.” Three words “You go girl.”

(And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…..)

Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.

At last?

January 18, 2017

Adam Schefter of ESPN reports 49ers will offer their coaching job to Kyle Shanahan after the Falcons’ season has ended. So guess Kyle has to decide if he’s already had enough of playoff pressure.

Actually, Jed York DOES know it was Kyle’s dad Mike who won those Super Bowls, right?

 

 

Redskins owner owner Dan Snyder attended a gala pre-inaugural dinner in DC, along  with Trump, Pence, and Kellyanne Conway.  And of course he’s happy, with Trump moving into the White House, Snyder is longer most hated man in town.

Lebron James said that the Cavs and Warriors aren’t rivals, just “two great teams that have aspirations.” Draymond Green disagrees ”
“Yeah, I think this is a rivalry.” Well, at least it’s nice to have an argument make any sort of headlines these days that isn’t political.

 

In Colorado, a 24-year old Maserati salesman died this weekend in a single-car crash shortly after posting video of himself Facebook Live video of himself driving one of the cars at 111 mph.
Guess he’s the front-runner for 2017’s most expensive Darwin?

Headline “McDonald’s just made a major change to the Big Mac.” Ok, who but me thought saw this and thought – “They’re adding meat?

A DC hair stylist has gone public after Marla Maples asked her to waive her fees to do her & Tiffany’s hair for the inaugural in exchange for “exposure on social media.” Marla’s contact wrote the stylist that she is “messing with the president of the United States, as Maples’ child-support is ending now that Tiffany is 22, and “She is used to a certain lifestyle and you don’t understand that.”
Tragic, really.

Gloria Allred held a press conference this morning with a woman who has accused Trump of sexual assault. And the alleged victim will be filing a lawsuit against the President-Elect.
Yep, you definitely see why Ringling Bros is shutting down. They really can’t compete.

#TrumpHistoryLecture Lincoln, overrated. I’d have freed the slaves without a war. And I’d have never wasted time with a silly play.

In an interview this weekend, President-elect Trump said that NATO was “obsolete.” And we thought as tourists in Europe we’ve been “ugly Americans before….

Sen. Patty Murray today asked Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos if she would commit to keeping funding for public schools intact.
Her response “I look forward, if confirmed, to talking about how we address the needs of all parents and all students.”
Although to be fair, based on 2016 election results, you could argue that U.S. public education isn’t working.

#BetsyDeVos‘s confirmation hearing performance didn’t do much to advance myth of superiority of a private school education.

Trump tweet today that “people are pouring into DC in record numbers.” Ah okay, so that’s why my travel agency computer shows all these hotel rooms available – some at normal reasonable prices.
#hedidntsaywhatkindofrecord

And then there was #1

January 9, 2017

Only bad thing about Clemson’s amazing win is that somewhere Lane Kiffin is smirking.

At the end, only thing that could have saved #Alabama & #NickSaban was the #Stanford band. #NationalChampionship

The National Championship was close to 4 hours long with over  4 minutes left in 4th. Even Yankees and Red Sox were saying “guys, speed it up already.”

Steelers assistant coach Joey Porter was arrested last night outside a Pittsburgh bar after allegedly assaulting the doorman. Porter is charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.
Wow.. Imagine what might have happened if Pittsburgh actually lost.

On a brighter note for the #Raiders, their 13 point loss to the #Texans was the closest game of Wild Card weekend. @espn

 

Tom Brady about the upcoming game with the Texans “There is nothing easy about this game for our offense.” He had the grace not to add “our defense, however, is salivating.”

Early this morning @realDonaldTrump called #MerylStreep “over-rated.” So congratulations to all those who had “about 8 hours” in the pool.

So if any country wants to launch attack on USA during Trump’s presidency, guess they just need the distraction of a celebrity insulting him.

Marissa Mayer apparently will resign from Yahoo when the sale to Verizon is finalized. Will Mayer then run for office in California touting her business experience?

John Kerry issued a formal State Department apology today for “decades of discrimination against LGBT employees and job applicants.”
Waiting for the House GOP rebuttal.

Donald Trump has fired Charlie Brotman, 88, the Inaugural parade announcer for every President back to Eisenhower in 1957, and replaced him with a 58-year-old volunteer.
Anyone known one of those male cats who gets introduced to a new home and has to urinate in EVERY single corner to mark his territory?

Trump hurting a lot of feelings w/ his inaugural parade. He fires 88-year-old announcer, then tells Chris Christie he can’t be a float.

Trump’s now to officially name son-in-law Jared Kushner as a senior White House advisor per @NBCNews “#IfthePresidentdoesititisnotillegal

An Emirates Air flight from from Muscat, Oman to Dubai was cancelled yesterday after baggage handlers found a loose snake on board. Wonder how they decided the snake was loose – if it was female maybe it wasn’t wearing a hijab?.

Trump met today with the chair of Alibaba. The Chinese company was placed back last month on a list of counterfeit marketplaces by the United States Trade Representative over selling fake and pirated goods. But maybe Trump isn’t worried, figuring no one would want to make knock-off Trump branded merchandise.

 

Monica Crowley, Trump’s choice for director of communications for the National Security Council, was recently accused of many instances of plagiarism in her 2012 book, and in a 1999 Wall Street Journal article. Now Politico says they have found several more instances of plagiarism in her dissertation.
Maybe Crowley doesn’t want to the NSC job, but rather to be Melania’s speechwriter.

Kellyanne Conway complained today about Democrats calling for an independent bipartisan commission to investigate election allegations about Russa. “It’s curious and a little bit humorous that Democrats would talk about anything bipartisan … given how they have vowed to obstruct everything we do.”
Just wondering, where was Kellyanne’s outrage when Mitch McConnell in January 2009 vowed to make Obama a one-term president?

The convicted Charleston mass murderer (yes, I am deliberately not using his name), asked the judge in his death penalty trial not to allow the prosecution to use words like “evil.”
Uh, actually while the word is overused, seems like this is one of those times “evil” is completely appropriate.

Back on the job

January 23, 2013

The NFL reinstated Saints coach Sean Payton two weeks early from his year-long suspension. Guess Roger Goodell still has hopes of being able to go into restaurants and bars during the next two weeks in New Orleans

Andrew Luck will play in the Pro Bowl after Tom Brady pulled out due to an “undisclosed injury.” Translation – Brady is sick of settling for the Pro Bowl.

20 degrees in Washington, D.C. So maybe some conservatives were right when they said America would re-elect President Obama when hell froze over.

So does Beyonce have her Super Bowl recording ready yet?

A Southwest Airlines flight aborted a takeoff from Denver when a warning light indicated a fire onboard. The jet stopped so abruptly that three tires blew out. No injuries, but wonder how long it will take to clean the seats..

The Museum of the City of New York is showcasing one of the finalists of a “micro-apartment” contest- only 325 sq feet. And it’s still probably big enough to misplace your keys somewhere inside.

Okay, so maybe many people expected the Los Angeles Lakers were over optimistic to think about contending for a title…. but in 2013, who thought they’d be being outplayed by the Wizards?

You think you’ve flamed someone on FB is a bad mood, how about Anna Burns Welker, wife of Wes: “Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay! What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

It’s a wonderful thing that so many people who don’t usually travel were able to attend Barack Obama’s second inauguration. It is not so wonderful if you happen to be with them at the airport.

CNN beat other cable news networks in covering President Obama’s oath and inaugural address. They drew 3.136 million viewers in all. MSNBC had 2.273 million viewers, and Fox News was last with1.316 million viewers.   But really, 1.316 Fox viewers?  Why?  They could have just waited for their anchors to tell them how bad the speech was.

President Obama paused as he left the inauguration ceremony and said “I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again.” Hearing this Bill Clinton nudged Hillary and just smiled.

From Gary Bachman:   “It’s so cold Lance Armstrong injected himself with soup.”

– and from Alex Kaseberg, in the “truth hurts” dept:  the truth hurts:   The worst part about Lance Armstrong being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It is admitting the French were right to despise him. Oh, man, how that hurts . . .