Posted tagged ‘North Korea jokes’

Giant downer.

June 18, 2017

 

In a good year for SF Giants it’s every day a different hero. In 2017 it’s every day a different goat.

Will all these  Giants fans who have been saying “It could be worse” please stop.

But at least the SF Giants didn’t give away their entire farm system to get  Melancon last year before the playoffs.

This SF Giants  season would be so much easier to take if there were a big name number 1 draft pick at the end of it.

Oops.  When Brooks Koepka won the US Open, he kissed his girlfriend. And Joe Buck identified her as Becky Edwards. Except Edwards was his OLD girlfriend, he is currently dating Jena Sims.   Normally when Buck is that embarrassing, baseball is involved. #wannagetaway #whatthebuck

 

 

Jim Harbaugh will make Barack & Michelle Obama honorary captains for Michigan home game. Standby for “Loser Wolverines” tweets in 3.2.1.

25 people injured, some critically when a deck collapsed at a Montana resort. Regulations may kill jobs, but a lack of regulations can kill people.

Remember when Bill Clinton was criticized for “selling” the Lincoln Bedroom? Trump at least won’t do that, makes more $$$ from his hotels.

North Korea’s state-run news agency claimed US officials, “literally mugged” its delegation at JFK by “forcibly” taking away “a diplomatic package from the delegation by an illegal and heinous act of provocation.”
So what happened, did TSA confiscate Kim Jong-Un’s favorite shampoo?

Cuba now has more than half a million people who are working independently outside the state-run economy, with restaurants, AirBnb etc. Now independent American travelers won’t be able to visit the island, only rich people on expensive tours.
And Trump says his actions will benefit the Cuban people with a straight face.

Sorry, if you’re offended by Shakespeare you should also be offended by Caitlin Jenner joking that “liberals can’t even shoot straight.”

 

We didn’t need #FinsburyParkMosque attack to show us terrorism is terrorism, regardless of religion or beliefs. But it’s a sad reminder.

 

Play ball…. asap

January 23, 2017

Considering everything that is going on in USA right now can we declare a state of emergency requiring baseball to start spring training earlier?

 

#Spurs without Leonard, Ginoboli, Gasol and Parker beat #Nets by 26. This might hurt Brooklyn’s chances for a seeding in March Madness.

Apparently ticket sales for this year’s Super Bowl are starting out slowly. Although maybe jaded Patriots fans saving their money for a more interesting and warmer location than Houston next year forgot the 2018 game is in Minneapolis?

He has since deleted his Twitter account, but Johnny Manziel tweeted today “Yo, POTUS even I know to stay away from the notifications section on twitter. S— will drive you crazy, lead the country and let them hate,”
You really do have to worry about the apocalypse when Johnny Manziel is the voice of reason.

#MarcoRubio wanted Americans to trust him to stand up to our country’s enemies. He can’t even stand up to Trump.

Trump claimed last Thursday that Tom Brady called to congratulation him just before the inauguration. Hmm…. all Matt Ryan might need to make the Falcons America’s new team might be a pussy hat.

Trump is changing America’s relationship status with the rest of the world to “It’s complicated.”

Chelsea Clinton this weekend on social media “Barron Trump deserves the chance every child does — to be a kid.”
Quite true, although Barron’s father is about 60 years past using his own chance..

Steve Kerr is upset about player voting for the NBA All-Star, after many didn’t vote, and out of 324 who did, 128 ignored Lebron and 154 ignored Durant. “I think if you’re going to give the players [the vote], I think they should take it seriously.”
As seriously as many voters took the 2016 Presidential election?

#familyvalues Matthew Wollman, a member of the South Dakota house has resigned after admitting to “consensual sex with two interns who were over 21.” A statement from the SD House Speaker said that Wollmann decided ‘this was best for him, his fiancé, his family and the young ladies involved.’
Well, maybe former fiance?

 

President Trump today issued an executive order to declare Jan. 20, 2017 as “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Saying the proclamation was “to strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country — and to renew the duties of Government to the people.”
Even Kim Jong-Un is thinking, really Mr. President, less is more.

Trump also met with congressional leaders today. Apparently he’s still upset about reported inauguration crowd size. And he claimed again that 3-5 million illegal votes cost him the popular vote.
Anyone out there still doubt the Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis?

Trump administration ordered EPA to freeze all grants & contracts. Now can they toast decision with pitchers of Flint, Michigan water?

A tale of two seasons:

August 27, 2016

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything….” Who knew Dickens was an #SFGiants fan?

 

#SFGiants congratulate #Cubs on extra innings win against #Dodgers. Hope for more wins & longer games before Giants go to #Wrigley next week

Meanwhile, Atlanta Braves put on a good clinic to explain why they have worst record in MLB. SFGiants say thank you.

Texas Rangers reliever Jeremy Jeffress was arrested in Dallas last night for alleged DUI. Okay, the guy is only making $519,000 this year, but shouldn’t that at least cover UberX?

A professor at Iowa is complaining that the school’s “Herky the Hawk” mascot is too angry looking and is an invitation to “aggressivity and even violence.” WTF? This gal better never get a job with Notre Dame and their Fighting Irish.

 

Colin Kaepernick’s accomplishment tonight – giving local sports fans reason to turn the channel to a fun #SFGiants game. #GBvsSF

Hawaii vs.Cal down under tonight. Aussies really enjoyed the game: “We get it, in American college football you don’t play defense.”

Dallas owner Jerry Jones said “it’s not good” about a TMZ video showing rookie Ezekiel Elliott at a marijuana dispensary the day of the Cowboys-Seahawks preseason game.
And really, what was Elliott thinking? You are supposed to send your posse to buy your pot.

Some talk that if Hunter Pence was still in right field last night in the 9th inning of the SF Giants Dodgers game, he might have dove for Corey Seager’s bloop single and saved Matt Moore’s no hitter. Or, the way this season has gone for the Giants lately, Pence might have landed on his collarbone, broken it, and been out for the year.

In Toronto, a man has been arrested for murder after allegedly killing 3 people- and injuring a 4th, in a seeming random rampage with a crossbow. Awful, but it WAS Canada. hence the crossbow.. Imagine if he lived in the US. #ifonlyhewasarmed

North Korea says it has successfully tested a submarine-launched missile, and Kim Jong Un says the U.S. mainland is now within striking range of his nuclear weapons. Meanwhile Dennis Rodman says he could still play in the NBA.

NJ Governor Chris Christie fired staffer Bill Stepien over Bridgegate, calling him “deceitful,” Now NBC reports Donald Trump has hired Stepien as his national field director “with a focus on voter turnout in the final months of the campaign.”
What does this really translate to, closing a few bridges in Democratic precincts?

Give the devil his due. I can’t stand Julian Assange of Wikileaks. But he has a point “‘from the point of view of an investigative journalist organization like WikiLeaks, the problem with the Trump campaign is that it’s actually hard for us to publish much more controversial material than what comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth every second day,”

Harold Bornstein, Trump’s doctor, wrote a note last fall declaring the Donald to be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Today Bornstein said he wrote the note in 5 minutes.
Well, of course, because Trump has the bestest doctor ever, the fastest and bestest.

School daze

August 24, 2015

Apparently a number of incoming Duke freshman refused to read the graphic novel “Fun Home” which was part of their summer reading list, saying the sexuality conflicted with their Christian beliefs.

And I’m sure all of those young men and women will be home studying this fall rather than attending fraternity parties.

The Sigma Nu fraternity at Old Dominion has been suspended after posting banners on their house during Freshman orientation.  “ROwdy anD Fun, hope your baby girl is ready for a good time.”   “Freshman daughter drop off”  and “Go ahead and drop Mom off too.’    Are they being suspended for being offensive, or for being stupid enough to put up the banners, in a social media age, before parents had even left?

(My friend Dean Harpster comments –  “In this day and age, I think we should just be thankful they spelled everything right.”)

 –

USC has apparently just banned alcohol from their football locker room. Wait?! USC HAD alcohol in their locker room?! Your move, SEC.

A number of USC players are reportedly unconcerned about not having booze in the locker room any more. As they think the Trojans always played better on grass.

Australian former rugby star Jarryd Hayne looks likely to make the SF 49ers roster after an impressive pre-season game tonight. How long until Donald Trump complains about yet another immigrant taking a job from Americans

The Green Bay Packers announced that Jordy Nelson’s knee injury on Sunday will be season-ending. So who says NFL pre-season games are meaningless?

Consumer Reports says that tests show conventional ground beef is twice as likely as “sustainably sourced ground beef” to contain antibiotic-resistant bacteria. Well, Taco Bell patrons are safe. ‪#‎noactualbeef‬

So some Republicans are both mocking Obama for wasting fuel by flying 14,000 miles on a climate change tour and still saying there is no climate change problem. ‪#‎pickaside‬

North Korea and South Korea have reacted an agreement to de-escalate tensions and North Korea says it “regrets” that South Korean soldiers were injured by landmines. Can we blame Obama? Or Dennis Rodman?

The NFL and ESPN have condemned comments that just came to light from analyst Cris Carter to players at the 2014 NFL Rookie Symposium – saying to have a “fall guy in your crew” in case you get into trouble.
Because Carter was wrong, or because he should have said it to more players?.

American runner Emily Huddle was about to win the Bronze medal at the 10,000 metre race World Championship in Beijing, when she started celebrating one step too soon and was passed by a teammate. On the brighter side, Huddle probably got a consolation phone call from Leon Lett.

FSU’s Dalvin Cook, was found not guilty on a misdemeanor battery charge for allegedly punching a woman in the face outside a Tallahassee bar this June. Last October the Seminoles’ star freshman RB was charged with criminal mischief after a BB gun incident, and in November was cited by Animal Services after chaining three puppies together by the neck.

Cook remains suspended but after the acquittal coach Jimbo Fisher will no doubt try to teach the young man a lesson by reinstating him only after the first quarter against Texas State.

Bowling along.

December 28, 2014

When it comes to sports, in many ways hate has it all over love. Because the teams you love can suck, but there’s still always plenty of opportunity to root against the teams you hate.  (especially during Bowl season.)

As of very late Saturday night on the West Coast,  an AirAsia jet is missing on its way from Surabaya, Indonesia to Singapore, and an Italian ferry with over 400 people on board is on fire in the Adriatic sea. Potential tragedies in both cases, but for CNN, this is hitting the daily double.

 

Michigan governor Rick Snyder has signed a “suspicion-based” drug testing bill for welfare recipients. Hmm, can we expand this to elected officials and candidates? Because some of them sure act like they’re on drugs.

Chicago’s Starlin Castro was questioned by Dominican Republic police in connection with a shooting at a nightclub this morning, after the Cubs shortstop was questioned earlier this month for ANOTHER nightclub shooting. Who does Castro think he is, an NFL player?

The NFL fined Marshawn Lynch $11,500 for an obscene gesture during last Sunday’s game. Wonder how much they’ll fine the ‪#‎NYJets‬ for their obscene performance all season?

Anyone but me thinking that ‪#‎Marchmadness‬ pools are going to be rather forgone conclusions this year? ‪#‎raceforsecond‬ ‪#‎Kentucky‬

Jim Harbaugh is expected to sign on as the coach at Michigan. So time to start two pools. 1. How long until the Wolverines win a Rose Bowl? 2. What percentage of Harbaugh’s contract will he last in Ann Arbor?

So now we are likely to have Jim Harbaugh at Michigan vs. Urban Meyer at OSU Stand by for ‪#‎Whatsyourdeal‬ – the sequel.

A new study found that marijuana use has increased in Colorado. Did the survey also find that water is wet?

According to ESPN Rex Ryan “expects to be” fired by the Jets. Shouldn’t the correct verb be “hopes to be?”

The Browns suspended WR Josh Gordon for Sunday’s season finale. Thereby increasing the odds that no one outside of Cleveland will be able to name a single active player on the team.

 

Johnny Manziel, who is on IR, had to either be present for the Browns’ workout Saturday or be getting treatment. But he was AWOL. And later in the day, Cleveland gave the QB his first fine. So congrats to all who had Dec 27 in the pool.

North Korea, angry over “The Interview,” now referred to President Obama. Is the country trying to curry favor with Fox News?

 

Magic moments.

December 26, 2014

For ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans, whatever anyone else says, the sports moment of the year had to be Madison Bumgarner coming out out of the cornfields, uh, bullpen, in game 7.

It’s our “patriotic duty’ to see “The Interview?.” And all around Hollywood major studios are wondering, how do we get hacked?

 

Silver lining thought of the day. Odell Beckham Jr.s’ catch was the play of the year on ESPN. But the catch never would have been noticed had Eli Manning thrown the ball a little better.

Doug Fister may have given everyone a holiday coffee. But the Knicks gave anyone who turned into their game a holiday turkey.

 

 

On Christmas Day,  a baby was born on the Philadelphia subway. Out of habit. Eagles fans booed it.

Sacrilegious thought of the day.  If Joseph and Mary had used a better travel agent, the Christmas story might have been very different.

Guess North Korea is more powerful than we thought. They turned a dud of a movie into a hit. ‪#‎theinterview‬

Rice (8-5) beat Fresno State (6-8) in the Hawaii Bowl. Not to say it was all about location but assume that even when the families and friends of players who flew out were asked about the game their answer might have been “there was a game?”

 

New Orleans LB Curtis Lofton spoke out in favor of defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, saying “We all love Rob and we’d run through a wall for him. Forget the wall, Saints fans just wish the team had run through a few more opposing offensive linemen.

From T.C.   “The football coach at U. of Mississippi is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA.   Which is curiously about the same as Johnny Manziel’s quarterback rating in Cleveland.”

 

The University of Mississippi football team has a 2.57 GPA.   And in the rest of the SEC, they’re asking their coach “what does. 57 mean?”

 

From Alex Kaseberg:   “In the beginning of December, former Baltimore Raven and fiancé elevator slugger, Ray Rice, had his suspension lifted and was eligible to be signed by any team. In poetic irony, no team took a shot at Ray. “

Testing, testing.

December 24, 2014

 

Turns out North Korean internet wasn’t really hacked. Kim Jong Un just tried to switch the whole country over to AOL.

 

 

Sony now says they will release “The Interview” in 300 theaters. Wonder how long it will take before North Korea demands a share of the profits.

 

Manti Te’o said the SF 49er’s Anthony Davis was giving him a hard time about his imaginary girlfriend last weekend’ He told a reporter that he expected it last year but “this year?” Find a new joke.'” Uh, this year apparently that joke is the 49ers.

Jamaica is going to introduce automatic kiosks for tourists entering the country, so they won’t have to talk to an immigration officer. Makes sense, who expects tourists to smuggle something INTO Jamaica.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say their daughter Shiloh now wants to be called “John.”  What’s odder, that she wants a boy’s name.  Or that a celebrity child actually wants a NORMAL name.

 

Weird for current NBA fans to see the Golden State Warriors to fall to the Lakers.  Even weirder, for longtime Warriors and Lakers fan that this year  it might have been considered a “trap game.”

Lots of NBA games on Christmas day, and the league expects good ratings. Not that any NBA games really matter in December, but hey, any excuse for many people to stop talking to their relatives.

 

Why there is no satire. U.S. Rep. Michael Grimm pleaded guilty to federal tax evasion. Grimm serves on the House Committee on Financial Services…..

Hawaii is expecting a White Christmas with an actual snow blizzard on Mauna Kea. Okay, this one we can definitely blame on Obama.

 

 

Much sympathy for the family of ‪#‎AntonioMartin‬. But these days it doesn’t matter what color you are, it is a REALLY REALLY bad idea to raise a gun to a police officer.