Posted tagged ‘North Korea jokes’

No fish

August 9, 2017

The group headed by Jeb Bush has given up on trying to buy the Miami Marlins. But they gave it their best shot. Please clap.

#Rally cat   St. Louis Cardinals hit a grand slam to win the game today after a cat ran on the field in Kansas City.    And the SF Giants’ fall to the bottom started last year when they traded Matt Duffy and Skeeter  #Duffcat      Coincidence?

On the other hand, but don’t look now but #SFGiants may have become the best last-place team in MLB.    In 2018, can someone get them a kitten?

The NBA will have the Brooklyn Nets play two regular season games in Mexico City this season. And if it works well, next year the league might send a professional team.

 

#TrumpChicken near White House really isn’t that accurate a likeness. The chicken has much more realistic-looking hair.

Mueller’s raid on Manafort’s house was 14 days ago & we’re just hearing about it now. So, SOMEONE in Washington knows how to control leaks.

Now Trump is after Senator McConnell. It’s amazing how buses run in DC with so many people having been thrown under them.

#NYTimes “Trump’s threat to North Korea was improvised.” Yep, that great new game show – ‘Whose Lie is it Anyway?”

Wonder if Trump have phrased things differently to North Korea if Guam had electoral votes?

Trump anti-regulation campaign means US won’t now screen truck drivers & train engineers for sleep apnea. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Maybe best hope for our country now is to convince @realDonaldTrump that Obama absolutely really wanted to start a war with North Korea.

If crisis was brewing with North Korea in 2016 I’m sure GOP would think best thing President Obama could do would be to go golfing to project aura of calm.

Trump’s plan for opioid crisis.. Tell people that  drugs are “no good, really bad for you in every way.”   Didn’t work when Hillary told USA that about him.

And in the “how low can you go” competition among the GOP we have a new contender. Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, on John McCain’s no vote on repeal, after Johnson thought McCain was a yes: “I’m not gonna speak for John McCain — he has a brain tumor right now — that vote occurred at 1:30 in the morning, some of that might have factored in.”

#SignsYoureBackInThe80s The GOP agenda. Oops, guess the hashtag didn’t mean the 1880s.

#WhenImOldin5Words. What was that hashtag again?

Giant downer.

June 18, 2017

 

In a good year for SF Giants it’s every day a different hero. In 2017 it’s every day a different goat.

Will all these  Giants fans who have been saying “It could be worse” please stop.

But at least the SF Giants didn’t give away their entire farm system to get  Melancon last year before the playoffs.

This SF Giants  season would be so much easier to take if there were a big name number 1 draft pick at the end of it.

Oops.  When Brooks Koepka won the US Open, he kissed his girlfriend. And Joe Buck identified her as Becky Edwards. Except Edwards was his OLD girlfriend, he is currently dating Jena Sims.   Normally when Buck is that embarrassing, baseball is involved. #wannagetaway #whatthebuck

 

 

Jim Harbaugh will make Barack & Michelle Obama honorary captains for Michigan home game. Standby for “Loser Wolverines” tweets in 3.2.1.

25 people injured, some critically when a deck collapsed at a Montana resort. Regulations may kill jobs, but a lack of regulations can kill people.

Remember when Bill Clinton was criticized for “selling” the Lincoln Bedroom? Trump at least won’t do that, makes more $$$ from his hotels.

North Korea’s state-run news agency claimed US officials, “literally mugged” its delegation at JFK by “forcibly” taking away “a diplomatic package from the delegation by an illegal and heinous act of provocation.”
So what happened, did TSA confiscate Kim Jong-Un’s favorite shampoo?

Cuba now has more than half a million people who are working independently outside the state-run economy, with restaurants, AirBnb etc. Now independent American travelers won’t be able to visit the island, only rich people on expensive tours.
And Trump says his actions will benefit the Cuban people with a straight face.

Sorry, if you’re offended by Shakespeare you should also be offended by Caitlin Jenner joking that “liberals can’t even shoot straight.”

 

We didn’t need #FinsburyParkMosque attack to show us terrorism is terrorism, regardless of religion or beliefs. But it’s a sad reminder.

 

Play ball…. asap

January 23, 2017

Considering everything that is going on in USA right now can we declare a state of emergency requiring baseball to start spring training earlier?

 

#Spurs without Leonard, Ginoboli, Gasol and Parker beat #Nets by 26. This might hurt Brooklyn’s chances for a seeding in March Madness.

Apparently ticket sales for this year’s Super Bowl are starting out slowly. Although maybe jaded Patriots fans saving their money for a more interesting and warmer location than Houston next year forgot the 2018 game is in Minneapolis?

He has since deleted his Twitter account, but Johnny Manziel tweeted today “Yo, POTUS even I know to stay away from the notifications section on twitter. S— will drive you crazy, lead the country and let them hate,”
You really do have to worry about the apocalypse when Johnny Manziel is the voice of reason.

#MarcoRubio wanted Americans to trust him to stand up to our country’s enemies. He can’t even stand up to Trump.

Trump claimed last Thursday that Tom Brady called to congratulation him just before the inauguration. Hmm…. all Matt Ryan might need to make the Falcons America’s new team might be a pussy hat.

Trump is changing America’s relationship status with the rest of the world to “It’s complicated.”

Chelsea Clinton this weekend on social media “Barron Trump deserves the chance every child does — to be a kid.”
Quite true, although Barron’s father is about 60 years past using his own chance..

Steve Kerr is upset about player voting for the NBA All-Star, after many didn’t vote, and out of 324 who did, 128 ignored Lebron and 154 ignored Durant. “I think if you’re going to give the players [the vote], I think they should take it seriously.”
As seriously as many voters took the 2016 Presidential election?

#familyvalues Matthew Wollman, a member of the South Dakota house has resigned after admitting to “consensual sex with two interns who were over 21.” A statement from the SD House Speaker said that Wollmann decided ‘this was best for him, his fiancé, his family and the young ladies involved.’
Well, maybe former fiance?

 

President Trump today issued an executive order to declare Jan. 20, 2017 as “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Saying the proclamation was “to strengthen our bonds to each other and to our country — and to renew the duties of Government to the people.”
Even Kim Jong-Un is thinking, really Mr. President, less is more.

Trump also met with congressional leaders today. Apparently he’s still upset about reported inauguration crowd size. And he claimed again that 3-5 million illegal votes cost him the popular vote.
Anyone out there still doubt the Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis?

Trump administration ordered EPA to freeze all grants & contracts. Now can they toast decision with pitchers of Flint, Michigan water?

A tale of two seasons:

August 27, 2016

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything….” Who knew Dickens was an #SFGiants fan?

 

#SFGiants congratulate #Cubs on extra innings win against #Dodgers. Hope for more wins & longer games before Giants go to #Wrigley next week

Meanwhile, Atlanta Braves put on a good clinic to explain why they have worst record in MLB. SFGiants say thank you.

Texas Rangers reliever Jeremy Jeffress was arrested in Dallas last night for alleged DUI. Okay, the guy is only making $519,000 this year, but shouldn’t that at least cover UberX?

A professor at Iowa is complaining that the school’s “Herky the Hawk” mascot is too angry looking and is an invitation to “aggressivity and even violence.” WTF? This gal better never get a job with Notre Dame and their Fighting Irish.

 

Colin Kaepernick’s accomplishment tonight – giving local sports fans reason to turn the channel to a fun #SFGiants game. #GBvsSF

Hawaii vs.Cal down under tonight. Aussies really enjoyed the game: “We get it, in American college football you don’t play defense.”

Dallas owner Jerry Jones said “it’s not good” about a TMZ video showing rookie Ezekiel Elliott at a marijuana dispensary the day of the Cowboys-Seahawks preseason game.
And really, what was Elliott thinking? You are supposed to send your posse to buy your pot.

Some talk that if Hunter Pence was still in right field last night in the 9th inning of the SF Giants Dodgers game, he might have dove for Corey Seager’s bloop single and saved Matt Moore’s no hitter. Or, the way this season has gone for the Giants lately, Pence might have landed on his collarbone, broken it, and been out for the year.

In Toronto, a man has been arrested for murder after allegedly killing 3 people- and injuring a 4th, in a seeming random rampage with a crossbow. Awful, but it WAS Canada. hence the crossbow.. Imagine if he lived in the US. #ifonlyhewasarmed

North Korea says it has successfully tested a submarine-launched missile, and Kim Jong Un says the U.S. mainland is now within striking range of his nuclear weapons. Meanwhile Dennis Rodman says he could still play in the NBA.

NJ Governor Chris Christie fired staffer Bill Stepien over Bridgegate, calling him “deceitful,” Now NBC reports Donald Trump has hired Stepien as his national field director “with a focus on voter turnout in the final months of the campaign.”
What does this really translate to, closing a few bridges in Democratic precincts?

Give the devil his due. I can’t stand Julian Assange of Wikileaks. But he has a point “‘from the point of view of an investigative journalist organization like WikiLeaks, the problem with the Trump campaign is that it’s actually hard for us to publish much more controversial material than what comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth every second day,”

Harold Bornstein, Trump’s doctor, wrote a note last fall declaring the Donald to be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Today Bornstein said he wrote the note in 5 minutes.
Well, of course, because Trump has the bestest doctor ever, the fastest and bestest.

School daze

August 24, 2015

Apparently a number of incoming Duke freshman refused to read the graphic novel “Fun Home” which was part of their summer reading list, saying the sexuality conflicted with their Christian beliefs.

And I’m sure all of those young men and women will be home studying this fall rather than attending fraternity parties.

The Sigma Nu fraternity at Old Dominion has been suspended after posting banners on their house during Freshman orientation.  “ROwdy anD Fun, hope your baby girl is ready for a good time.”   “Freshman daughter drop off”  and “Go ahead and drop Mom off too.’    Are they being suspended for being offensive, or for being stupid enough to put up the banners, in a social media age, before parents had even left?

(My friend Dean Harpster comments –  “In this day and age, I think we should just be thankful they spelled everything right.”)

 –

USC has apparently just banned alcohol from their football locker room. Wait?! USC HAD alcohol in their locker room?! Your move, SEC.

A number of USC players are reportedly unconcerned about not having booze in the locker room any more. As they think the Trojans always played better on grass.

Australian former rugby star Jarryd Hayne looks likely to make the SF 49ers roster after an impressive pre-season game tonight. How long until Donald Trump complains about yet another immigrant taking a job from Americans

The Green Bay Packers announced that Jordy Nelson’s knee injury on Sunday will be season-ending. So who says NFL pre-season games are meaningless?

Consumer Reports says that tests show conventional ground beef is twice as likely as “sustainably sourced ground beef” to contain antibiotic-resistant bacteria. Well, Taco Bell patrons are safe. ‪#‎noactualbeef‬

So some Republicans are both mocking Obama for wasting fuel by flying 14,000 miles on a climate change tour and still saying there is no climate change problem. ‪#‎pickaside‬

North Korea and South Korea have reacted an agreement to de-escalate tensions and North Korea says it “regrets” that South Korean soldiers were injured by landmines. Can we blame Obama? Or Dennis Rodman?

The NFL and ESPN have condemned comments that just came to light from analyst Cris Carter to players at the 2014 NFL Rookie Symposium – saying to have a “fall guy in your crew” in case you get into trouble.
Because Carter was wrong, or because he should have said it to more players?.

American runner Emily Huddle was about to win the Bronze medal at the 10,000 metre race World Championship in Beijing, when she started celebrating one step too soon and was passed by a teammate. On the brighter side, Huddle probably got a consolation phone call from Leon Lett.

FSU’s Dalvin Cook, was found not guilty on a misdemeanor battery charge for allegedly punching a woman in the face outside a Tallahassee bar this June. Last October the Seminoles’ star freshman RB was charged with criminal mischief after a BB gun incident, and in November was cited by Animal Services after chaining three puppies together by the neck.

Cook remains suspended but after the acquittal coach Jimbo Fisher will no doubt try to teach the young man a lesson by reinstating him only after the first quarter against Texas State.

Bowling along.

December 28, 2014

When it comes to sports, in many ways hate has it all over love. Because the teams you love can suck, but there’s still always plenty of opportunity to root against the teams you hate.  (especially during Bowl season.)

As of very late Saturday night on the West Coast,  an AirAsia jet is missing on its way from Surabaya, Indonesia to Singapore, and an Italian ferry with over 400 people on board is on fire in the Adriatic sea. Potential tragedies in both cases, but for CNN, this is hitting the daily double.

 

Michigan governor Rick Snyder has signed a “suspicion-based” drug testing bill for welfare recipients. Hmm, can we expand this to elected officials and candidates? Because some of them sure act like they’re on drugs.

Chicago’s Starlin Castro was questioned by Dominican Republic police in connection with a shooting at a nightclub this morning, after the Cubs shortstop was questioned earlier this month for ANOTHER nightclub shooting. Who does Castro think he is, an NFL player?

The NFL fined Marshawn Lynch $11,500 for an obscene gesture during last Sunday’s game. Wonder how much they’ll fine the ‪#‎NYJets‬ for their obscene performance all season?

Anyone but me thinking that ‪#‎Marchmadness‬ pools are going to be rather forgone conclusions this year? ‪#‎raceforsecond‬ ‪#‎Kentucky‬

Jim Harbaugh is expected to sign on as the coach at Michigan. So time to start two pools. 1. How long until the Wolverines win a Rose Bowl? 2. What percentage of Harbaugh’s contract will he last in Ann Arbor?

So now we are likely to have Jim Harbaugh at Michigan vs. Urban Meyer at OSU Stand by for ‪#‎Whatsyourdeal‬ – the sequel.

A new study found that marijuana use has increased in Colorado. Did the survey also find that water is wet?

According to ESPN Rex Ryan “expects to be” fired by the Jets. Shouldn’t the correct verb be “hopes to be?”

The Browns suspended WR Josh Gordon for Sunday’s season finale. Thereby increasing the odds that no one outside of Cleveland will be able to name a single active player on the team.

 

Johnny Manziel, who is on IR, had to either be present for the Browns’ workout Saturday or be getting treatment. But he was AWOL. And later in the day, Cleveland gave the QB his first fine. So congrats to all who had Dec 27 in the pool.

North Korea, angry over “The Interview,” now referred to President Obama. Is the country trying to curry favor with Fox News?

 

Magic moments.

December 26, 2014

For ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans, whatever anyone else says, the sports moment of the year had to be Madison Bumgarner coming out out of the cornfields, uh, bullpen, in game 7.

It’s our “patriotic duty’ to see “The Interview?.” And all around Hollywood major studios are wondering, how do we get hacked?

 

Silver lining thought of the day. Odell Beckham Jr.s’ catch was the play of the year on ESPN. But the catch never would have been noticed had Eli Manning thrown the ball a little better.

Doug Fister may have given everyone a holiday coffee. But the Knicks gave anyone who turned into their game a holiday turkey.

 

 

On Christmas Day,  a baby was born on the Philadelphia subway. Out of habit. Eagles fans booed it.

Sacrilegious thought of the day.  If Joseph and Mary had used a better travel agent, the Christmas story might have been very different.

Guess North Korea is more powerful than we thought. They turned a dud of a movie into a hit. ‪#‎theinterview‬

Rice (8-5) beat Fresno State (6-8) in the Hawaii Bowl. Not to say it was all about location but assume that even when the families and friends of players who flew out were asked about the game their answer might have been “there was a game?”

 

New Orleans LB Curtis Lofton spoke out in favor of defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, saying “We all love Rob and we’d run through a wall for him. Forget the wall, Saints fans just wish the team had run through a few more opposing offensive linemen.

From T.C.   “The football coach at U. of Mississippi is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA.   Which is curiously about the same as Johnny Manziel’s quarterback rating in Cleveland.”

 

The University of Mississippi football team has a 2.57 GPA.   And in the rest of the SEC, they’re asking their coach “what does. 57 mean?”

 

From Alex Kaseberg:   “In the beginning of December, former Baltimore Raven and fiancé elevator slugger, Ray Rice, had his suspension lifted and was eligible to be signed by any team. In poetic irony, no team took a shot at Ray. “

Testing, testing.

December 24, 2014

 

Turns out North Korean internet wasn’t really hacked. Kim Jong Un just tried to switch the whole country over to AOL.

 

 

Sony now says they will release “The Interview” in 300 theaters. Wonder how long it will take before North Korea demands a share of the profits.

 

Manti Te’o said the SF 49er’s Anthony Davis was giving him a hard time about his imaginary girlfriend last weekend’ He told a reporter that he expected it last year but “this year?” Find a new joke.'” Uh, this year apparently that joke is the 49ers.

Jamaica is going to introduce automatic kiosks for tourists entering the country, so they won’t have to talk to an immigration officer. Makes sense, who expects tourists to smuggle something INTO Jamaica.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say their daughter Shiloh now wants to be called “John.”  What’s odder, that she wants a boy’s name.  Or that a celebrity child actually wants a NORMAL name.

 

Weird for current NBA fans to see the Golden State Warriors to fall to the Lakers.  Even weirder, for longtime Warriors and Lakers fan that this year  it might have been considered a “trap game.”

Lots of NBA games on Christmas day, and the league expects good ratings. Not that any NBA games really matter in December, but hey, any excuse for many people to stop talking to their relatives.

 

Why there is no satire. U.S. Rep. Michael Grimm pleaded guilty to federal tax evasion. Grimm serves on the House Committee on Financial Services…..

Hawaii is expecting a White Christmas with an actual snow blizzard on Mauna Kea. Okay, this one we can definitely blame on Obama.

 

 

Much sympathy for the family of ‪#‎AntonioMartin‬. But these days it doesn’t matter what color you are, it is a REALLY REALLY bad idea to raise a gun to a police officer.

Kim Jong Uh-oh

December 23, 2014

North Korea is recovering from a countrywide internet outage. So someone found the plug and plugged it back in?

North Korea’s internet was completely down for most of a day. Is this the Circular Firing Squad theory of hacking?

Four inteceptions last night. Who did Peyton Manning think he was? Eli?

Damn. Joe Cocker has died. His voice will always be so beautiful to me. ‪#‎nowIfeelold‬

 

We expected the rock stars from our youth to die of things like drug overdoses and various crashes. Not ready for them to die of things related to getting older.

Only good thing about the Ravens and 49ers recent play. Won’t be any playoff tension in the Harbaugh family this January.

 

Kourtney Kardashian has named her new son “Reign.” William and Kate please come back. We need a real royal family.

“Reign” huh, well at least the Kardashians have plenty of money for future therapy..

Apparently a recent poll of Americans under 30 found that only 29 percent mail Christmas cards. And no doubt 21 percent said “What’s a Christmas card? And 50 percent said “What’s mail?”

Only 367 shopping days until Christmas 2016. ‪#‎enoughsalesalready‬

Forget March Madness. The real challenge is picking all the NCAA Bowl game winners. Heck. It would be hard enough to name all the bowls.

A sad unintended consequence of Kindles etc: a generation will grow up without the vacation experience of brief bonding over books. “Oh that’s a great read.”. “Have you read…?” “What do you think of that book?

 

A Southwest Airlines flight clipped the wing of an American Airlines plane on the tarmac at LaGuardia. No injuries. But presumably that’s the end of Holiday Happy Hour for pilots.

(But hey,  suppose it was bound to happen now that budget cuts have forced most schools to eliminate Driver’s Ed.)

Apparently the guy who ambushed and shot two NYPD cops had tried unsuccessfully to hang himself last year. That’s one of many problems with guns – you don’t even need to be competent to kill

 

6.4 million have signed up for Obamacare, and the stock market closed over 18,000. Time for the GOP to have another hearing on Benghazi.

 

 

Hack a thon.

December 19, 2014

President Obama said he thinks Sony “made a mistake” in yanking “The Interview.” Adding “We cannot have a society in which some dictator someplace can start imposing censorship here in the United States.” Yeah, we’ll leave that to nutcases on local school boards.

 

 

A lot of studios are upset by the Sony hacking and resulting cancelled premiere of “The Interview.” Universal Studios is most upset that North Korea didn’t hack “47 Ronin.”

 

GOP Sen Mark Kirk of lllinois says he is going to have a fundraiser during a screening of the “The Interview” Proving the power of the North Korean hackers – they have actually caused a Seth Rogen movie to be used for a Republican fundraiser.

As my friend Joe C says “Wow. Does Satan need an ice pick? Snowblower? Ice skates”

Outgoing MLB commissioner Bud Selig will be paid $6 million annually in retirement. Makes sense, baseball is the one sport that specializes in long-term guaranteed contracts to people who have long outlived their value.

After back-to-back World Series, Jake Peavy is back with SF Giants. Did someone tell him this is an odd-numbered year?

QB Jay Cutler said it has “crossed his mind” that he has played his final games with the Bears. But then presumably that thought was intercepted

Only good thing about all these holiday e-cards from businesses you don’t really care about is that you can hit delete instead of tossing them in the recycling bin.

At this point wouldn’t it be faster to hear from the models and actresses who worked with Bill Cosby and don’t claim to have been sexually assaulted by him?

 

Staples has just announced that over a million customer cards have been compromised by hackers this fall. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for the chain to change their slogan in 2014 to “Make More Happen”?

Sometimes in the U.S. we think we have a monopoly on sexist a**holes in political office. But tonight I give you, Brazil. Where during a debate on sexual violence, opposition congressman Jair Bolsonaro told congresswoman Maria do Rosario Nunes he would not rape her “because she was not worth it.”

The ‪#‎LADodgers‬ may not have won the World Series, but they do have the new title – MLB’s biggest spenders, with a 2014 payroll of $257,283,41. ‪#‎Youdontalwaysgetwhatyoupayfor‬

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn : They couldn’t stop the Thursday night game between the 2-12 Jaguars and the 2-12 Titans from being shown on national TV?Where are those North Korean ‘The Interview’ hackers now that they’re really needed?’

Bear-ly there?

December 18, 2014

Chicago Bears safety Chris Conte said he ‘would rather have the experience of playing and, who knows, die 10, 15 years earlier than not be able to play in the NFL and live a long life.” Many fans who watched MNF this week hope the Bears grant Conte’s wish and trade him to an NFL team.

 

Of course in this country you are innocent until proven guilty. But Ray McDonald, released by the SF 49ers this morning, may be this year’s NFL winner of the “Worst handing of a second chance” award.

 

 

The Orioles’ Chris Davis, suspended last year for 25 games for Adderall, now has a prescription for the drug. According to the Baltimore Sun, 112 exemptions were issued for ADHD in 2014. Out of 750 MLB players. And the percentage of US adults with ADHD? About 4%. ‪#‎nocomment‬

The USA & Cuba have apparently agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. While tourist travel will still be limited to “educational activities,” government and family trips, Americans will be allowed to return with up to $400 of goods from Cuba. Many Cuban-Americans are upset. Many other Americans are wondering where they can buy cigars.

So will the first American ambassador to ‪#‎Cuba‬ be Arnold Schwarzenegger?  Or Bill Clinton?

 

Well, that didn’t take long. Marco Rubio is already attacking President Obama’s decision to start normalizing relations with Cuba: “It’s absurd and it’s part of a long record of coddling dictators and tyrants that this administration has established” Surprised Rubio didn’t follow that with “and if I’m elected President, I promise to only coddle leaders in places like Saudi Arabia.”

 

Well, at least ‪#‎HunterPence‬ won’t be the only character left in the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ clubhouse next year. ‪#‎SergioRomo‬ has re-signed with the team.

 

Romo’s contract is for 2 years,  $15 million. Which means the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are still paying him less in 2015 than the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are paying ‪#‎BrianWilson‬

 

Really? Prince William is taking a bit of heat in the British press for saying to a young hairdressing trainee that maybe she “could help out with Kate’s hair, because it’s such a nightmare.” Uh, what woman doesn’t think her hair is a nightmare?

 

The University of Michigan has offered Jim Harbaugh a 6 year $48 million contract to be their football coach. So given Harbaugh’s record both of success and getting along with people, this should work out to about $12-16 million a year.

 

Sources have told the U.S. that North Korea hacked SONY. Shocking. Who knew North Korea was actually capable of hacking anybody?

 

Okay, I know I’m cynical… but have to wonder. Is “The Interview” movie bad enough that cancelling its premiere weekend just saves Sony the embarrassment of a flop. (And stimulates enough curiosity for later viewings and DVD sales?)

Cold Comfort Field.

January 6, 2014

Image

Photo taken 90 minutes before kickoff?   Are these fans brave, or certifiable?

As my friend Scott R. says. “It was so cold, Erin Andrews had clothes on.”

 

So okay, moving forward:  If SF beats Carolina, and New Orleans beats Seattle, then the NFC championship will be at Candlestick. Which means for a week all 49ers fans are welcome on the Saints bandwagon. We’ve got beads. #Geauxsaints

Thought after watching the Packers-49ers. When the refs are in “let them play” mode, it’s amazing how the missed calls are only the plays that go against YOUR team. #SFvsGB

Nissan commercial “Fantasy, do not attempt. Cars can’t jump on trains.” Really?! And how many viewers just had their bucket list dreams dashed?

Saddest people who watched Sunday’s Bengals meltdown against the Chargers?  (Other than fans in Cincinnati?)  Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

 

But good line from my friend T.C.  “Pittsburgh Steelers fans are just elated that Andy Reid can “sit” his entire team next Sunday.” #byeweeksareoverrated

Dennis Rodman finally recruited some former NBA players to play an exhibition game in North Korea. Well, it could be the adventure of a lifetime? Or if they win, at least the last adventure of their lifetimes.

 

Now it appears that the story about Kim Jong-Un having his uncle fed to 120 starving dogs may have originated with an Onion-like satiric tweet. But if it’s not true, the North Korean leader may be well thinking “Thanks for the idea.”

A Delta flight slipped off the runway today and was stuck in the snow for an hour. Coming soon, an airline snow tire fee?

The NFL at its finest. Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch was fined $50,000 last week — for not talking. The league requires players talk to the media, and Lynch hadn’t done so all season, which the NFL didn’t find out about until he briefly spoke to reporters this week. Have to wonder, how many fines might Marshawn have had if he shot off his mouth every week?

 

In the NFC, the 3 and 4 are gone, the 5 and 6 play on. Who seeded this conference, the BCS?

 

So after starting a war within the GOP and even her own family, Liz Cheney is dropping out of the Wyoming Senate race she only entered six months ago. Wonder how long it will take her aborted campaign to get an endorsement from Sarah Palin?

Couldn’t they have used a car phone?

December 21, 2013

Uh, oh. North Korea is getting technologically advanced. They have threatened South Korea to “strike mercilessly without notice.” The threat was sent by fax.

Another longer threat was sent by mail. But in South Korea they can’t view it to respond until they find someone who has a Betamax player.

To all those in the GOP screaming about free speech with Mr. Duck Dynasty, I somehow missed your defense of Alec Baldwin

(And heck, Baldwin even goes after photographers, which might count as “lame-stream media.)

Mississippi State was fined $25,000 by the SEC for violating the league’s “artificial noisemaker” policy. The fine stems from a fan tradition of showing up at games with cowbells, which can only be used at “approved times.” So alas I guess it’s true, you CAN have too much cowbell.

Since he’s doing so well as Governor of California, a group is trying to get Jerry Brown to run for President again. Does it occur to them that the reason Jerry is doing such a good job is that he no longer cares about running for President?

Domino’s has apparently come up with a vegan pizza with soy cheese in Israel. And they may someday introduce it here in the U.S. For all those health food types who have been longing to order from Domino’s – both of them.

Carlos Beltran says now he has always wanted to be a Yankee, and “it means a lot to me.” Yeah, $45 million to be exact.

Five days after Mack Brown resigned, many Texas football players said they never saw it coming. Which is shocking in and of itself. Not surprised when athletes don’t pay attention to their studies, but when they don’t pay attention to ESPN….

 

TARGET is offering a 10% discount Saturday and Sunday to apologize to shoppers for exposing 40 million credit cards to hackers. Here’s an idea, how about a 5% discount, and spend the other 5% on upgrading their credit card security?

 

A federal judge struck down Utah’s same-sex marriage ban Friday. Thereby incensing many in the state who believe that marriage should remain a sacred bond between a man, and a woman, and a woman, and maybe yet another woman.

 

Tonight’s pre-Olympic exhibition game featured a brawl between the U.S and Canada women’s hockey teams. A brawl resulting in 10 fighting majors and other penalties. Hmm, if this keeps up could result in serious women’s hockey ratings.

 

 

Economic Darwin award for the day:  A woman who is head of PR for IAC, (parent company of Vimeo, Tinder and OkCupid) tweeted before she got on a flight tonight “Headed to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding, I’m white.” Her company’s response? “This is an outrageous, offensive comment that does not reflect the views and values of IAC. Unfortunately, the employee in question is unreachable on an international flight, but this is a very serious matter and we are taking appropriate action.” Anyone looking for a job opening in PR?

I’m dreaming of a white Santa?

December 13, 2013

Megyn Kelly missed her own show last night after ‘white’ Santa and Jesus comments. Thinking maybe somebody got put on the cosmic “naughty’ list.

Regarding Megyn Kelly’s “Santa is white” line, hard to top Jon Stewart’s analysis: “And who are you actually talking to?” Children who are sophisticated enough to be watching a news channel at 10 o’clock at night, yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real — yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn’t white?”

Even if “affluenza” is a description, it’s no excuse for spoiled entitled behavior by the rich. But the diagnosis also might be a good way to describe when wealthy people have a complete aversion to any sort of tax hike.

Just wondering, will be covered under Obamacare?

 

 

Ted Cruz is apparently running for President in 2016. This is great news, for comedy writers.

So in North Korea would the Army Navy game be a version of the Hunger Games?

MLB will ban home-plate collisions when runners are trying to score. And the Chicago Cubs are thinking “what are they talking about?”

 

Move over “God is Testing Me” RGIII, there’s a new winner in the perspective bowl: Kanye West – “I’m just giving of my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally. And if I slipped … You never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like ‘Wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.’”

 

Robinson Cano said he left NY because “I didn’t feel respect. I didn’t get respect from them and I didn’t see any effort.” The Yankees offer, $175 million over seven years. How do I get disrespected like that?

-..

Strange to have some bipartisan accord this Christmas in Washington. But for fans of train wrecks, at least there’s still the Redskins.-

According to FlightStats, more than 9% of arrivals from January through November of this year for American, JetBlue and United were more than 45 minutes late. Shocking. Over 90% of flights were allegedly LESS than 45 minutes late.

Apparently only the shooter himself is dead in a Colorado High School shooting this morning, following upon several stabbings in the parking lot after the Broncos game last night. But what’s going on? Is Colorado making a last minute push to beat out Florida, Arizona or Texas for “Crazy State of the Year??

 

 

Notre Dame has readmitted Everett Golson, and he will be able to play next year. The QB was suspended from the school this fall for “poor academic judgment” (i.e. cheating on a test.) No doubt the Fighting Irish took Golson’s admission of guilt and contrition into account, that and the team’s four loss season.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “A U.S. Congress bipartisan agreement  on the budget has been reached,preventing a shutdown of everything signifigant in Washington, D.C. except Robert Griffin III”

“Wah wah woh wah wah”

April 11, 2013

Peter Robbins, 56, who was once the voice of Charlie Brown on the Peanuts specials, has pleaded guilty to stalking his ex-girlfriend. Wonder if she’s a little red-haired girl?

Down in Single-A baseball, Chicago Cubs prospect Jorge Soler was fined and suspended five games for approaching the opposing team’s dugout wielding a bat. The punishment could have been worse, but since he was a member of the Cubs organization, baseball officials figured he actually wouldn’t hit anything.

Major bench-clearing brawl in San Diego during the Dodgers-Padres game tonight. This would never have happened in today’s Giants-Cubs game – it  WAY too cold for anyone to voluntarily leave the dugout.

Zack Greinke apparently has a broken collarbone after the brawl. Waiting for Wayne Pierre to say we need to arm pitchers.

This Greinke injury could scare other MLB pitchers away from pitching inside. Well, except Barry Zito. He knows no hitter would risk the embarrassment of charging the mound after being hit by a 50mph fastball.

New England CB Alfonzo Dennard, who was accused of assaulting an officer in April 2012, has been sentenced to probation plus a 30-day jail sentence. The jail sentence will begin on March 31, 2014. 2014? How long until Lindsay Lohan tries for the same deal on rehab.

A new study from National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism says that Americans tend to eat more calories and fat on the days they also have alcoholic drinks. Uh, couldn’t we have gotten the same results for a lot less $$ by sending the scientists to a few Happy Hours?

Bud Selig has rejected San Jose mayor Chuck Reed’s for a meeting to discuss the Oakland A’s hopes to move to a San Jose ballpark. But maybe Selig will appoint a blue-ribbon committee to spend 5 years looking into the proposed meeting?

A Northern California Junior High school has been in the news for prohibiting girls from wearing tight-fitting pants because they’re “distracting to teenage boys,” Uh, with all due respect, almost everything, including girls, is distracting to teenage boys.

Joint joke with my friend Alex Kaseberg:    As the Masters began, many eyes  are on 14 year old Chinese golfer Guan Tianlang. Wonder if he’s a retired factory worker?

So why aren’t those opposed to background checks for buying guns also opposed to driver’s license exams? After all, cars don’t kill people, people kill people.

So how has it gotten to the point that it is now considered a major victory, not to have legislation passed, but even to get it debated and voted on in Congress?

From T.C.   “North Korea is moving a missile supposedly capable of striking the US mainland to their east coast. Satellite surveillance confirms the weapon is being transported via rail. The good news is, there is no sign of the gigantic rubber band that will be needed to launch it.”

Actually,  if Kim Jong Un is such a basketball fan, maybe we should send Shaquille O”Neal over to follow Dennis Rodman.   Maybe Shaq can give those aiming the missile some of his famous free throw shooting tips.

Brotherly and other love.

April 2, 2013

There is a Comedy God: Former South Carolina Gov, Mark Sanford, aka Mr. Appalachian Trail, has won the GOP nomination for a vacant House seat against Elizabeth Colbert Busch, Stephen Colbert’s sister.

The town of Nelson, Georgia, has passed a law requiring its citizens to own a gun and ammunition, although they have reportedly not had any violent crime in the last 10 years. Well, I guess it’s never too late to start.

 

Say what? Justin Amash, a self-described “libertarian-leaning” Michigan congressman says abortion and “abortion-causing” birth control are okay, but should only be allowed “closer to the point of conception, whether it’s instantly or the first three days.” This is what comes from allowing men to hold elective office.

The New York Yankees are starting the year with $230.4 million payroll. Wow, and at least $50 million of that is going to active players.

 

A recently released NRA funded report on school safety suggests arming teachers. Well, this ought to be fun during contract negotiations.

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott says that Ed Rush, the league’s of officials should NOT be fired for offering a group of referees $5,000 or a trip to Cancun if they hit Arizona coach Sean Miller with a technical foul or ejected him during the Pac 12 tournament. Scott says Rush was “joking.” Gosh. This guy must be a lot of fun in airport security lines.

Good for GOP senator Mark Quinn of Illinois. But someday it will be nice when a politician’s support for gay marriage doesn’t even make the news.

Kevin Ware has been released from the hospital and will join his Louisville Cardinal teammates in going to Atlanta. Let us hope the TSA agent running the metal detector knows who he is.

The Cleveland Browns have traded Colt McCoy to the SF 49ers. McCoy is still likely to be holding a clipboard, but now at least he can do it during playoff games.

As North Korea’s rhetoric escalates, maybe the U.S. needs to send someone Kim Jong Un respects who is also capable of reading him the riot act. Forget Dennis Rodman, where’s Charles Barkley when we need him?

(My friend Marty B. suggests – send  Tim Tebow he can overthrow the Government.)

In New York, the FBI arrested Dem. State Senator Malcolm Smith and GOP City Councilman Dan Halloran for allegedly trying to use bribes to rig the New York City mayoral election. Who says there’s no bipartisanism in this country?

Mark this moment, April 2, 2013. As of 11:30pm the 2 and 0 Seattle Mariners have the best record in baseball.

But okay, really, we’ve waited over five months for opening day,  and more than half the MLB teams don’t play on the second full day of the regular  season?

Send in the Rodmans?

March 5, 2013

Kim Jong Un’s wife apparently secretly gave birth in late 2012. This could further explain why the North Korean dictator wanted Rodman to visit – not only does Dennis know basketball but no doubt he was also the baby’s first clown.

No brainer? Magic Johnson has offered LeBron James $1 million to participate in the NBA’s slam dunk contest. Seriously LeBron, do the dunks, take the $1 million, donate it to charity. Might be the best “Decision” you ever publicly made.

Charlie Sheen is saying that Lindsay Lohan needs help and is offering to be her mentor. Which is a nice thought, but just exactly how screwed up do you have to be before Charlie Sheen is your voice of reason?

Anyone else get the impression listening to Mitt Romney now that instead of having to run for President, he feels that he should have just been appointed to the job, like a Pope?

Reggie Bush says that Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo “definitely could” have made it in the NFL? Maybe, though like most soccer stars, it would have been an adjustment for Ronaldo to learn about falling on the the ground hard when he was REALLY hit.

Joe Flacco says his new 6-year $120.6 million deal with Baltimore “wasn’t necessarily about the money. It was about earning that respect and feeling like I was respected around here.”

So if the Ravens had offered him $100 million, would Flacco have felt disrespected?-

Marissa Mayer reportedly came up with her directive abolishing telecommuting when she found out that employees weren’t logging in at home as much as they were supposed to be. Or is it just possible they tried regularly, and ofter couldn’t get Yahoo mail to work….

Apparently there are already some extra long airport wait times at Customs and things will get worse in TSA lines due to the sequester. But surely at this difficult time the U.S. can find money in the budget to make sure all members of Congress go through secondary screening.

A question no one would have heard not that long ago. “I forgot my phone, can you please tell me what time it is?”

NY GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle this morning skydiving. Who does he think he is, part of the Yankees’ putative starting lineup?

Gonzaga is #1 in the AP men’s basketball poll today. There goes any hope they had of being the tournament’s Cinderella.

Really? Actual headline from this morning: “Kate Middleton Attends Wedding While Nearly Five Months Pregnant.” Shocking what some women are able to accomplish..

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: A little tacky but …  “Quoting Youngbloods, everybody try to love one another right now. Except for that witch blocking the grocery aisle with her cart.   Die, whore”

(I’m thinking the same on a few folks with 35 items in the Express Line.)

Kerplunk it sunk, what a lousy piece of junk…

April 13, 2012

(If you’re too young to remember the children’s song reference, you are lucky.)

Wonder if North Korea is claiming their test rocket was testing to see if it was waterproof.

North Korea claimed their failed rocket would only carry a civilian satellite, and that it was a major technological achievement to mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of Kim Il Sung, on Sunday. Uh, did anyone tell them Sunday is also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

Burger King apparently is introducing a Bacon Sundae. For all those who thought their menu was a little too health conscious.

As we head into the mano a mano portion of the Presidential election here’s a (never going to happen) recipe for civility: No matter who pays for the anti-Obama or anti-Romney ads, simply require at the end of any such commercial to have the candidates say “I am Barack Obama/Mitt Romney and I approve this message.”

WTF? By now anyone reading this has heard the American Idol results show from Thursday. But were the votes counted in Florida?

Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino sent apologies to AD Jeff Long and a number of other university employees via text messages. Which from the stories about his “inappropriate” relationship, may not have been necessary if he hadn’t been texting in the first place.

A CNN pundit is facing criticism for saying that Ann Romney shouldn’t be talking about the economy because “she has actually never worked a day in her life.” Ann immediately (and correctly) responded that staying home to raise 5 boys was hard work. Well, and think of all the nannies etc she has hired.

Democrats including the President immediately condemned Hilary Rosen for her comments about Ann Romney. Almost as fast as the GOP Presidential candidates condemned Rush Limbaugh for his “slut” etc comments. Oh wait, that’s right, they didn’t. Never mind….

Actually, I absolutely support Ann Romney’s right to stay home and raise kids. But if Ann really cares that much about women and the economy, wonder why she isn’t urging Mitt to push things like education and child care and social programs to aid mothers who aren’t as economically fortunate as she is….

Meanwhile,CNN’s Hilary Rosen is now saying “I apologize to Ann Romney and anyone else who was offended. Let’s declare peace in this phony war and go back to focus on the substance.” Really? Someone actually thinks this campaign has been focusing on substance?

Mass. Sen. Scott Brown has a new radio ad talking about his love of Fenway Park. Except that when Brown was a state representative, he was in support of replacing the 100 year old park and moving it to Foxboro. What is it with Massachusetts politicians? Should the state shoe be the flip flop?

Quote of the day: “We are more likely to get neutral coverage out of CNN than we are of Fox, and we’re more likely to get distortion out of Fox. That’s just a fact.” From that noted liberal Newt Gingrich.

Jamie Moyer, 49. 5 2/3 innings, 2 earned runs. No W. As a Giants fan will be glad for the win but a shame Moyer couldn’t have pitched yesterday. The ageless wonder better deserved a win than the stream of Rockies pitchers who took advantage of 18 runs of support.

That JetBlue pilot who went crazy a couple weeks ago has been indicted on charges of interfering with a flight crew. The response from most major airlines – a new “Pilot mental health surcharge.”