Posted tagged ‘Duck Dynasty jokes’

What’s in a name?

May 22, 2014

50 U.S.Senators sent a letter to the NFL saying it was time for the league “to endorse a name change for the Washington, D.C. football team.” Of course the team could change from the derogatory “Redskins” to the even more derogatory “Senators.”

 

 

After her breakup with Rory McIlroy, Caroline Wozniacki said on Twitter today “It’s a hard time for me right now.” And around the world, millions of men are thinking “I could help.”.

Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett was arrested for being drunk and belligerent with police at Minneapolis-St. Paul airport bar yesterday afternoon. Will Jarrett claim it was because he had a wide drinking stance?

Today’s #SFGiants Rockies game was suspended in the 6th due to weather. Will be made up when the Giants return to Denver in September. Since that’s after trade deadline and call-ups, will be interesting to see how many of the same players are still on the same teams…

 

At June’s San Diego County Fair, attendees will be able to buy a Krispy Kreme triple cheeseburger. Presumably it comes with a side of Beta Blockers?

 

A video has surfaced of an Easter sermon from “Duck Dynasty”‘s Phil Robertson “Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” Can’t wait for Robertson’s next appearance with some of Louisiana’s members of Congress. Especially Senator David Vitter.

Boston Red Sox pitcher Felix Doubront says he bruised his left shoulder by bumping into a car door. Was he on his way to wash his truck at the time?

(My friend JL suggests  “Baseball players should have a writer they can go to to make up believable excuses when they hurt themselves doing something that would get them fined by the team.”.   I see a new business opportunity.)

 

Mother of 19, Michelle Duggar, 47, says she has gone to a fertility doctor,if there are things physically I need to know, that I need to do, health-wise just to be ready to catch a baby if God saw fit to give us one..” And God is thinking “When I said ‘go forth and multiply’ I didn’t mean exponentially.”

Miley Cyrus denied Jennifer Lawrence’s story that Cyrus told a very drunk Lawrence to “get it together” at a post-Oscars party. Makes sense, who would ever believe Miley Cyrus would tell ANYONE to get it together?

In Virginia, a 2nd-grade teacher was arrested for allegedly being drunk while trying to teach his class. In his defense will he say he was pretending to be a pilot?

Prince Fielder is now expected to have season-ending fusion surgery to repair a herniated disk in his neck. The Texas Rangers aren’t a baseball team, they’re an episode of “Survivor.”

From Bill Litttlejohn:  “Witnesses say that Mitch ‘Wild Thing’ Williams ordered a beaning in a Little League game.The kid tried, but still threw the ball over the batter’s head and into the backstop””

So with NBA playoffs that seems to go on forever, the next game is…Saturday night? Is the league trying to become as irrelevant as American Idol?

There were no NBA playoff games tonight in either the Eastern or Western Conference. And the league is thinking, how many more off days do we need before we can stretch the postseason into, say, August?

 

 

What’s more surprising? That the Dodgers’ Zack Greinke’s stretch of 21 straight starts of allowing two or fewer runs ended, (a record that hasn’t been matched in 100 years)? Or that it ended against the NY Mets?

From Marc Ragovin;  “I’m not saying the Mets are drawing small crowds this year, but the other day a few fans at Citi Field started doing “The Ripple.”

So despite all the uproar about Mark Cuban’s comments about bigotry, this is what he actually said, “”I mean, we’re all prejudiced in one way or another. If I see a black kid in a hoodie and it’s late at night, I’m walking to the other side of the street. And if on that side of the street, there’s a guy that has tattoos all over his face — white guy, bald head, tattoos everywhere — I’m walking back to the other side of the street.” Strikes me as the most honest thing we’ve heard out of any NBA owner.

And the winner might be?

December 28, 2013

Alas, too late in the year to qualify for the 2013 Darwin voting. In Bali, a security guard volunteered to catch a 15 ft-Python on the grounds of the Hyatt, which is closed for renovation. He got the snake by the head ahd tail and put it around his shoulders. Whereupon the python promptly strangled him.

 

Shin-Soo Choo at today’s press conference in Arlington was asked why he was drawn to Texas. He said he “was looking for a winning team — that is the most important thing for him and his career.” Right. Choo must have been dazzled by all those World Series trophies..

Tony Romo  had season-ending back surgery Friday. So looks like his season will be 1 game shorter than that of his Cowboys teammates.

With Tony Romo out, and math teacher Jon Kitna suited up on the sidelines, this means we are one hard hit on Kyle Orton away from a possible Disney movie….

In Argentina on Christmas Day, about 70 people were injured, non-fatally, when they were attacked at a beach by a swam of piranhas. Has the made-for-tv movie started filming yet? #Piranhanado?

When Jadeveon Clowney was stopped for going 84 mph in a 55 zone, he was 6 miles from the stadium – where his South Carolina team was leaving for the airport “in three minutes.” Assuming this guy survives to sign with an NFL team, maybe his contract can include a car and driver and a clock?

 

A California man pleaded guilty today to a federal terrorism charge after using Facebook to connect with Al Qaeda. How dumb are crooks? Not sure how long it might have taken NSA to catch him but FB probablly took about five minutes to show the guy ads for weapons, bombs, flights out of the country..

Some complicated permutations with the NFL playoffs depending on the Sunday’s results. But to be fair, some of those potential upsets are as likely as the Sacramento Kings beating the Miami Heat….

 

So the NFL just said that Peyton Manning’s 50th TD pass against the Houston Texans, which tied Tom Brady’s mark for most TD’s in a season, shouldn’t have counted because it was really an incomplete pass. And this matters because Brady has never received the benefit of the doubt from the officials….

 

About 10 days ago Target said 40 million customers MAY have had their credit and debit cards impacted. Originally this was between Black Friday and December 6. Then December 15. Then they were definitely impacted. But it wasn’t PINS. Now it’s PINs but they were encrypted, so it shouldn’t be a problem….. So heck, let’s scream again about government intrusion and praise the private sector.

 

So let me get this straight. “Duck Dynasty,” is a reality show about a large conservative redneck family in Louisiana, who are serious about prayer and guns. Not probably a favorite amongst liberals in the first place. Then the patriarch is suspended over un-PC statements which I’d guess a large percent of their audience had no problem with. Much outrage from fans resulted. And now Robertson is back, and no doubt ratings will skyrocket. Can’t imagine how any one might think this was a publicity stunt.

So now that Phil Robertson is back on “Duck Dynasty”, who’s going to be the next reality TV star to try to jump start their ratings by saying something offensive? Should we start a pool?

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:   The NFL says they are prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope reportedly sent the league a tweet “Don’t even think about Easter.”

 

(another day for the Super Bowl?  Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have a new prop bet.)

The NFL is prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope sent a tweet that read, ‘Don’t even think about Easter’. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/318968/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-December-27-2013-Edition-451#sthash.c456aNZL.dpuf

The NFL is prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope sent a tweet that read, ‘Don’t even think about Easter’. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/318968/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-December-27-2013-Edition-451#sthash.c456aNZL.dpuf

Couldn’t they have used a car phone?

December 21, 2013

Uh, oh. North Korea is getting technologically advanced. They have threatened South Korea to “strike mercilessly without notice.” The threat was sent by fax.

Another longer threat was sent by mail. But in South Korea they can’t view it to respond until they find someone who has a Betamax player.

To all those in the GOP screaming about free speech with Mr. Duck Dynasty, I somehow missed your defense of Alec Baldwin

(And heck, Baldwin even goes after photographers, which might count as “lame-stream media.)

Mississippi State was fined $25,000 by the SEC for violating the league’s “artificial noisemaker” policy. The fine stems from a fan tradition of showing up at games with cowbells, which can only be used at “approved times.” So alas I guess it’s true, you CAN have too much cowbell.

Since he’s doing so well as Governor of California, a group is trying to get Jerry Brown to run for President again. Does it occur to them that the reason Jerry is doing such a good job is that he no longer cares about running for President?

Domino’s has apparently come up with a vegan pizza with soy cheese in Israel. And they may someday introduce it here in the U.S. For all those health food types who have been longing to order from Domino’s – both of them.

Carlos Beltran says now he has always wanted to be a Yankee, and “it means a lot to me.” Yeah, $45 million to be exact.

Five days after Mack Brown resigned, many Texas football players said they never saw it coming. Which is shocking in and of itself. Not surprised when athletes don’t pay attention to their studies, but when they don’t pay attention to ESPN….

 

TARGET is offering a 10% discount Saturday and Sunday to apologize to shoppers for exposing 40 million credit cards to hackers. Here’s an idea, how about a 5% discount, and spend the other 5% on upgrading their credit card security?

 

A federal judge struck down Utah’s same-sex marriage ban Friday. Thereby incensing many in the state who believe that marriage should remain a sacred bond between a man, and a woman, and a woman, and maybe yet another woman.

 

Tonight’s pre-Olympic exhibition game featured a brawl between the U.S and Canada women’s hockey teams. A brawl resulting in 10 fighting majors and other penalties. Hmm, if this keeps up could result in serious women’s hockey ratings.

 

 

Economic Darwin award for the day:  A woman who is head of PR for IAC, (parent company of Vimeo, Tinder and OkCupid) tweeted before she got on a flight tonight “Headed to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding, I’m white.” Her company’s response? “This is an outrageous, offensive comment that does not reflect the views and values of IAC. Unfortunately, the employee in question is unreachable on an international flight, but this is a very serious matter and we are taking appropriate action.” Anyone looking for a job opening in PR?

Only one more shopping day

December 20, 2013

Until the first NCAA football FBS bowl game of the year.

 

And if you know the name of the game, and who’s playing, and you’re not an alum of either team…. you probably have two much time on your hands.

The NFL said today it “strongly opposes” the FCC trying to end their 40-year sports blackout rule. Right. Because the average team only made $44 million in operating profit last year. (Source – Forbes) The owners have to feed their families.

 

Kobe Bryant, who just returned from a torn Achilles, has fractured his knee and will miss at least six weeks. So wonder how much Jack Nicholson is offering for courtside seats to the Clippers?

Olympic figure skating champion Brian Boitano came out as gay today. “I’m shocked” said absolutely nobody.

Whatever you think of President Obama, sending Russia a U.S delegation w/  does perhaps rank as the most elegant one, or rather three-finger salute of his presidency.

Pope Francis now has stated that he supports breastfeeding and he is okay with women doing it in public. Can we start a pool on when Rush Limbaugh’s head will explode?

Airbus, which would like airlines who buy their planes to put fewer seats in them, did a recent study of passengers. 54% said “an increase of comfort in economy class was critical or absolutely critical.” Perhaps those 54% should have a more reasonable dream – like winning the lottery.

 

As a British phone hacking scandal broadens, now it’s been revealed that Prince William referred to Kate as “babykins.” The Palace is not amused, but hey, on the other hand, an heir to the throne saying sweet nothings to his own wife…..

 

 

John Boehner is calling out “conservative groups”, Peter King said Rand Paul owes “that patriot,” NID Director James Clapper, an apology for saying he should resign for “lying” to a Senate committee about govt surveillance, and Glenn Beck called Chris Christie a “fat nightmare.”   Remember when not belonging to any organized party meant being a Democrat?

Somewhere Will Rogers is smiling.

So the government apparently has had access to some of our phone calls. On the other hand, in the private sector, Target apparently allowed access to 40 million Americans’ credit cards.

Fortunately there appear to be no fatalities after the roof collapsed at London’s Apollo Theatre tonight during a performance of “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. although as many as 80 people may have been injured. But think of all the men who reluctantly went along with their wives who had said “Honey, just come with me to one show, how much could it hurt?”

“Duck Dynasty” is on hiatus, after their star was suspended for anti-gay comments. So what are viewers to do who find “Honey Boo-Boo” too intellectual?

Well of course she did. Sarah Palin has defended Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson: “Free speech is an endangered species. Those ‘intolerants’ hatin’ and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing his personal opinion are taking on all of us.” Right. Free speech is important… unless it’s from anyone taking on Sarah herself.

So this is what Phil Robertson actually said when asked what is sinful. “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” Uh, START with homosexual behavior? Why didn’t he start with “sleeping around?” Except that that would alienate too many of his fellow conservatives, including the junior senator from his home state of Louisiana.