Posted tagged ‘Olympics jokes’

Too many hits?

February 25, 2018

If Donald  Trump had played college football we’d all be nodding our heads in agreement on a diagnosis of CTE.

With the increasingly depleted Spurs somehow still in third place in the West, Gregg Popovich should be coach of year. Period.   #smokeandmirrors

Shaquille O’Neal’s son, Shareef, just announced he is decommitting from Arizona. Because he just found out the program is dirty, or because they didn’t offer HIM $100,000?

Curt Schilling retweeted a conspiracy theory saying 17 yr-old Parkland survivor David Hogg is a paid crisis actor. Only charitable interpretation of this is that baseball players also can get too many concussions.

Teresa Stadlober, an Austrian cross-country skier, lost a silver medal when she took a wrong turn during a 30km race. Wait, I thought it was men that wouldn’t ask for directions.

 

 

LeBron James, complaining about not getting foul calls in loss to Spurs – “We’re at a point now where we protect the shooter more than the driver.”
Maybe he should stick to politics?

Canadian ski crosser David Duncan, along with his trainer and wife were arrested for alleged DUI in a stolen vehicle in South Korea. Know Canada is doing well with medals but maybe trying too hard to prove they are equal of American athletes.

Meanwhile,  USA has won gold in #Curling Let’s hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

 

Pistons coach Stan Van Gundy called NCAA “one of the worst organizations” in sports. Why stop at “in sports?”

Trump on his proposed military parade “We’ll see if we can do it at a reasonable cost. If we can’t, we won’t do it.”
What, he didn’t say Mexico would pay for it?

United Airlines and Delta have now cut off discounts for #NRA. How bad is it when you have a worse reputation in the US than airlines?

Donald Trump mocked John McCain yesterday. So let’s see, now it’s people with terminal cancer. How long until he goes directly after a Parkland survivor?

Imagine GOP reaction if a President @HillaryClinton sent Chelsea over to South Korea to “shore up diplomatic relations?”

 

Asked in Korea if her father’s idea of arming teachers would work to protect students Ivanka Trump responded “To be honest, I don’t know.”
Six words Donald has never spoken.

 

Frustrating as a Democrat that we call out extremist Republicans like #CPACbut then often put in our own litmus tests that punish moderates.  #DianneFeinstein

 

But let’s be real about Feinstein. Democrats not endorsing her means simply that she didn’t get a majority of 2700 activists at state party convention. The Democratic convention isn’t CPAC, but it’s also not a sampling of mainstream Democrats.

Here’s what I really don’t get about political litmus tests. None of us agree with our spouses, partners, or even friends on all issues. So why do some of us demand our politicians agree with us on everything? #HowToLoseElections

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Gold and goaled.

February 22, 2018

Kawhi Leonard may be out for year. Damn, as a liberal Spurs fan I miss days when that would be most depressing news of the week.

Although if Spurs end up 3rd seed in West without Kawhi, Popovich should be a unanimous coach of the year.

Don’t care who wins, shootouts are still a sucky way to determine a hockey gold medal.

But seriously, these women have worked for years to make it to Olympics.   For a gold medal they can’t let them play until someone scores a REAL goal in overtime?

Mikaela Shiffrin brought 35 pairs of skis to Olympics.  Ah, but how many pairs of shoes did she bring?

 

Billy Graham prayed with every President since Truman during their presidency. Except Donald Trump. Why I am not surprised?

That moment when the President of the United States needs a cue card to pretend to be human…

 

At least Marco Rubio did the CNN Town Hall without cue cards.

The kids are more than alright. The kids are damn impressive. #ParklandStudentsSpeak

So would Right-wing trolls please explain how they think high school kids aren’t old enough to advocate for gun control but they are old enough to buy AR-15s?

Florence Yared, 17 yr-old Parkland survivor to Congress “Soon we will be able to vote, and we will vote you out.” You go girl!

Trump today “If you had a teacher who was adept with firearms, they could end the attack very quickly.” Could those armed teachers start with the attack on the education budget?

So maybe we can take a lead from Betsy Devos and protect schools with trained grizzly bears? #Beararms

NRA’s Dana Loesch says you should be able to buy any gun you want “if you are not a danger to yourself or your community.” The Vegas shooter didn’t seem like a danger. Until he was….

Marco Rubio has 2 teenage & 2 pre-teen children. Yeah, I’m an optimist but it seems like maybe these kids got to him tonight. #StudentsStandUp

While Texas superintendent threatens to suspend students from class 3 days for protesting gun violence, kids in Parkland have missed 5+ days of class because their school is an active crime scene.

Donald Trump wants teachers to bravely take on shooters in schools….while he’s not even brave enough to take on media at press conferences

Golden heat

February 19, 2018

Damn, those of us Americans already jealous of Canada for Justin Trudeau have now added Virtue and Moir to the list.

 

Sorry, ABC viewers tonight. #VirtueAndMoir are so much sexier than ANY episode of #TheBachelor

So wonder how many men joined their wives and girlfriends tonight watching ice dancing in hopes of another wardrobe malfunction?

Canadian & German bobsledders are either great sports or have really good looking sisters. #Gold #Olympics  (they tied.)

MLB is going to limit mound visits to 6 per game, by managers, coaches & players combined, without a pitching change. The horror – how will a team discuss wedding presents? #Candlesticksalwaysmakeanicegift

Last night at NBA All Star game, Roseanne Barr saw her torch for all time worst National Anthem grabbed off the floor by Fergie.

 

Russia, or rather OAR  could lose a bronze medal over alleged doping in… men’s curling. So what will be Alexander Krushelnytsky’s excuse – “chicks dig the long rock?”

GM Sandy Alderson says he thinks Tim Tebow will “play in the major leagues” someday. Or at least he’ll play for the Mets?

Sunday was #NationalDrinkWineDay Although since Trump’s inauguration, for many Americans EVERY day has been #NationalDrinkWineDay

School shooting survivors Emma Gonzalez & David Hogg said today they aren’t attending Trump’s “listening session” this week. That moment when kids have more courage of their convictions than the GOP congress.

On #PresidentsDay not sure there is anything more damning for our current @POTUS that he thinks grinning “thumbs up” picture after a high school massacre is not only appropriate but should be his Twitter picture.

I think more teachers would consider being armed if they were allowed to bring their weapons to contract negotiations.

So now Trump position is that Russia didn’t meddle in 2016 and it was Obama’s fault anyway.

That moment when POTUS asks his wealthy friends about gun control at Mar-A-Lago, where they are all protected by an armed Secret Service….

Is it too much to ask for a President who respects the FBI and CIA half as much as he respects the NRA?

Trump just endorsed Mitt Romney. Apparently he’s so desperate to be on the winning side expect POTUS to endorse Golden State Warriors next.

and about 45 minutes later, this tweet from Mitt “Thank you Mr. President for the support. I hope that over the course of the campaign I also earn the support and endorsement of the people of Utah.”

So who had “less than an hour” in the “How long would it take Mitt Romney to sell his soul?” pool.

Whatever you think about @BillClinton, he had friends and associates who remained loyal, even going to jail for him. Just guessing no one will fall on their sword for @realDonaldTrump

Flame out.

August 21, 2016

The closing ceremony of ‪#‎Rio2016‬ was tonight. Or if you are watching NBC, sometime next week.

 

Ryan Lochte said he “over-exaggerated” his robbery story. “Over-exaggerated?” Seven syllables to say “I lied?”

On the other hand, for all the earlier worries about contamination, organizers of  the Rio Games have to be happy that the biggest piece of trash in the water turned out to be an American swimmer.

 

SF Chronicle reporting the Oakland A’s Billy Butler apparently missed games this weekend because he was injured in a fight with teammate Danny Valencia, This would never happen in the SF Giants clubhouse. These days none of them can hit anyone.

Six Notre Dame players were arrested. Coach Brian Kelly kicked senior Max Redfield off the team, this after Redfield was sent home from last year’s Fiesta Bowl for a “failure to be punctual.” Senior Devon Butler was suspended “indefinitely,” although he was supposed to miss the beginning of the season with a broken foot. The other four will be subject to “internal discipline.”
Well, the Catholic God is all about confession and forgiveness. Especially if you can play football.

 

A young woman who had just moved from Nevada became the third person in a week to die falling from a cliff in San Pedro, near Los Angeles.  She hopped a wall for a “better view” and tripped on her flip flops. Apparently about a dozen people die at the cliff each year.
Maybe they need to change the warning sign, simply to say “x number of Darwin Award winners made here in 2016.”

So regarding the new “focused and consistent” Trump, I think no one can top the late great Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

New Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway says he “doesn’t hurl insults.”. Of course not. The insults spring fully formed from his mouth, and they are the bestest greatest insults.

Will @realDonaldTrump take opportunity to be less controversial starting Mon, not having to work so hard to take headlines from ‪#‎RyanLochte

A NY Times report found that Donald Trump companies owe at least $650 million in debt. Waiting for the Donald to reply that the Times “doesn’t count good.”

Rudy Giuliani is complaining that the media “fails to point out several signs of illness by (Hillary Clinton).” Once again, Rudy is inviting the media and psychologists to point out signs of mental illness in himself.

New Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in 2005 “The fact is that Hillary Clinton could not stand up to a cheating husband, so how in the world would she stand up to North Korea and some of our other enemies around the globe?”
I must have missed when she said “Donald Trump cannot be faithful to his marriage vows, how in the world can he be faithful to the Constitution?”

From T.C.  – “The U.S. 4 x 100 men’s relay team didn’t win their appeal. On the other hand they stopped short  of saying they were robbed in Rio.”

Reaching the goal-ed

August 20, 2016

‪#‎Brazil‬ wins soccer gold on penalty kick. Casual fans who only watch soccer in ‪#‎Olympics‬ or ‪#‎WorldCup‬ fans thinking “Is there any other way?

Nine Australian athletes who wanted to see their basketball team play Serbia were charged with “tampering with their credentials” to get into the area. Police fined them about $3,000 each. Would have been a lot cheaper to use a scalper.

Two of the U.S. swimmers involved in ‪#‎Lochtegate‬ released their own statements – Gunnar Bentz is insisting guns were drawn on them. Jack Conger apologized for the “trouble and embarrassment this event has brought to the people of Brazil and Rio de Janeiro, and the distraction to my fellow Olympicians, then added he was only a witness, not a suspect and was “completely truthful.”
What part of saying “We were wrong, I am sorry” and then shutting up do these guys not get?

Six Notre Dame football players were arrested last night, one for “battery to law enforcement and resisting law enforcement” and five when they were stopped for speeding and police allegedly found a handgun and marijuana in the car.
So let’s figure out how coach Brian Kelly manages to suspend them for the first quarter of the Nevada game.

Right about now the ‪#‎Reds‬ should be expecting nice gift baskets from the ‪#‎SFGiants‬. ‪#‎BeatLA‬

 

A self-proclaimed white supremacist is in jail after stabbing an inter-racial couple when he saw them kissing in Olympia, Washington. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

#‎Zika‬ travel advisory for pregnant women to avoid Miami Beach. What about women who go to South Beach to party etc & come back pregnant?

Trump supporter actress Kirstie Alley is ripping President Obama for not visiting Louisiana, and when told that state Gov. John Edwards had asked him to wait, responded “that wouldn’t stop me.”
Right, because what’s more important, rescuing people and property or a photo op?

Political consultant Bill Briggs on CNN slamming President Obama for not going to Baton Rouge. Never heard of the guy so I googled him. One of his past jobs – “VP Advance Representative
Office of the Vice President – 2004 – 2009.” Yep, a completely impartial observer….. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

Just imagine ‪#‎Trump‬ ad if ‪#‎Obama‬ had gone to Baton Rouge. “This guy cares more about image than people, wasted responder-police time….

 

Credit where credit is due from T.C.  ” US 4×100 relay team stops short of saying they were robbed in Rio.”

Handcuffs are rings, right?

August 17, 2016

North Korean gymnast Ri Se-Gwang won a gold medal on the vault today, but appeared to be crying sadly on the podium. Probably because he wasn’t able to vault far enough from the guards who will be returning him to North Korea.

Members of the Irish Olympic Committee, including one on the IOC E-board, have been accused by Brazilian police of a scalping scheme involving more than 1,000 tickets. There’s corruption in the IOC? Wonder if they’re sponsoring gambling in Casablanca too?

A reigning Olympic diving champion today ended with an amazing belly-flop in the semi-finals. So Ilya Zakharov won’t get a medal. But he has a great chance to win a t-shirt in Carnival Cruises pool games.

Now there’s breaking news that a Brazilian judge has issued a search and seizure warrant for two of the swimmers who said they were robbed in Rio. Made-for-tv movie in 3-2-1…?

 

LeBron James on Team USA “Every time I watch ’em, I wish I was out there.” Uh, does King James mean playing basketball or hanging out on the luxury ship and playing beach volleyball?

Lebron James said his goal is to “own a team.” Well, actually the Cavs owned a lot of teams last season.

#‎SFGiants‬ weren’t as good as they looked 1st half of season. But can’t be as bad as they look in 2nd half. 1962 ‪#‎Mets‬ weren’t even THIS bad.

#‎MattCain‬ allows 6 runs in 1 inning on 2 hits. Flashback to that 1st year of Little League when kids graduated from coach pitch. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Phrase I DON’T want to hear on @SFGiants postgame show. ‪#‎MattCain‬ (as opposed to fill-in-the-blank) pitched better than score indicated.”

Stop the presses, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬  did get a hit in the first inning with a runner in scoring position.

A new Public Policy Polling survey found that three out of five Trump supporters in Texas want to secede if Hillary is elected. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country. ‪#‎letmypeoplego‬

 

Curt Schilling says he’s considering running for Senate to unseat Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts. Can’t wait for her to tell him to put a bloody sock in it.

Major shake-up this morning in the @realDonaldTrump campaign. Clearly this is @HillaryClinton’s fault

New ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign CEO is Steve Bannon, head of ‪#‎Breitbart‬ News. So guess we’ve found one media outlet the Donald won’t be now attacking

 

So @realDonaldTrump is on his 3rd campaign manager & it’s only Aug. Who knew in a few short months he could have more managers than wives?

Donald Trump apparently sent out a 30 question survey to his supporters asking for help with the campaign. Question 1 is “Which issues are most important to you?” Not listed – “I just don’t want to vote for Hillary.”

 

While Donald Trump makes headlines nearly every day with some outrageous comment, Hillary Clinton continues to run a largely cautious campaign. Clearly she has no regard for US comedy writers – whatever will we do if she is elected? ‪#‎WewillalwayshaveBIll‬?

Fear factor.

August 14, 2016

Thousands of passengers were evacuated at JFK airport tonight over alleged gunshots that turned out to be nonexistent. The sound may just have been cheering for Usain Bolt.

Yep, fear itself is winning.

 

On a more mundane note, getting really tired of saying “Well, THAT was the worst loss of the year. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Apparently  closer Santiago Casilla was just lulling us into a comfortable state of delusion.

It’s a long season, but pretty sure that if ‪#‎Casilla‬ is last ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitcher in 2016 season he will not walk off mound a winner.

But on a brighter note, clearly Johnny Cueto, 2-3 today with an RBI, has benefited and learned from being in the same clubhouse as Madison Bumgarner.

Ryan Lochte and three other swimmers said they were robbed at gunpoint last night by fake Brazilian police, a report confirmed by the U.S. Olympic committee. The IOC says the reports are “absolutely not true,”
Gosh, hope this one blatant lie doesn’t tarnish the IOC’s credibility.

So does anyone really care about ‪#‎Olympics‬ medals in tennis and golf? Even tennis and golf fans?

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange hates Hillary Clinton, in part because he says she is against the media and freedom of speech. So he wants to help Trump get elected? ‪#‎unclearontheconcept‬

So with a team full of ‪#‎NBA‬ starters plus luxury ship accommodations , ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ barely wins games. Will their gold medal, if they get one, have asterisk? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Donald Trump used free publicity as a major tool in his fight  to win ‪#‎GOP‬ primary, now complains about media. Talk about biting hand that bottle fed you.

Trump running mate Mike Pence now said he will publicly release his tax returns but did not say when. A GOP spokesman said it would be before the November election. Not of course specifying which year.

Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle said that Clinton and Barack Obama are “constantly making comments trying to bait Trump into saying something that will sidetrack him.”
Leaving aside the fact that the Donald doesn’t need any help, and if Trump is elected no opposition politician or world leader would ever do the same thing?