Posted tagged ‘Olympics jokes’

Sochi-ing on.

February 14, 2014

Most bizarre Olympic sign-off ever? Matt Lauer last nightt – “Bob, get back soon. I’m running out of clothes.” (Guess the stores in Sochi weren’t ready for Olympic crowds either?)

So are you a true Olympics fan if you only watch short track speed skating for the crashes? #Sochi2014

For a fundraiser to rebuild an ice rink Torvill and Dean returned to Sarajevo today to recreate their legendary perfect 10 “Bolero” routine from the 1984 Olympics. The couple still has it, even if they do presumably skate around the rink with their left blinkers on.

New USA Olympic motto: TGFX – Thank God For XGames

Russian skating star Evgeni Plushenko’s. 31, withdrew from the Olympics and retired after he was unable to perform some jumps in warmups before the short program. Wonder how many judges still scored him highest?

Jadeveon Clowney said he might have stayed at South Carolina for another year if he were paid for being a college athlete. Wonder how many other college football players are thinking “Dude, you went to the wrong school?”

Got to love all these small-government types screaming during snowstorms that the roads aren’t plowed fast enough.

Can we nominate Dale Hansen for Texan of the Year?  (If you don’t recognize the name, Google him.)

PayPal’s president apparently sent an email to employees chastising them for not using the PayPal app. Maybe they know something we don’t?

A proposed new NCAA college football rule change would slow down hurry-up offenses, by not allowing teams to snap the ball with more than 29 seconds left on the 40-second clock. Ostensibly to help prevent defensive injuries. Or it might just be because most of the SEC, including Alabama, don’t run the hurry-up offense.

(And  I am sure it’s just a coincidence that Nick Saban, not on the rules committee, made a special request to speak in favor of the rule to the committee..)

A federal appeals court struck down California’s law forbidding citizens from carrying concealed weapons in public. On a brighter note, this may cut down on people daring to text in California movie theaters.

Comcast is buying Time Warner Cable for $45 billion. I guess it’s part of their grand plan to create the worst company for customer service ever.   (Next stop, buying an airline?)

Who would ever think that the Comcast-Time Warner merger won’t be great for consumers. Why, we all know how wonderful airline mergers have made things for travelers….

San Francisco area health officials are warning that BART riders may have been exposed to the measles after a UC Berkeley student with the disease rode BART to and from class last week. Of course, with airline change fees of $200 and up, wonder how much crap fliers get exposed to regularly from passengers who don’t want to spend the money to postpone their trips?

As my friend Linda commented about the U.S. Olympic success in X-Games type competition. “we’re really good at games we invent.” So, friends and readers, what other events should the USA invent for future Olympics to increase our medal count?

Nothing can go wrong, wrong, wrong….

February 12, 2014

Not the Onion: Thousands of prospective freshmen got an erroneous email this week telling them they had been admitted, and the college had to quickly send an apology email telling them of the mistake. Yeah, technology can be a b*tch. Especially for a school like…. MIT.

Not saying the USA has had an overall lousy Wednesday in Sochi, but except for women’s halfpipe, NBC in their quest to show American medals had to be thinking about giving  updates from the Westminster dog show.

As the halfpipe becomes increasingly complicated and trendy sport, what’s next? Someone doing a trick on the board while texting at the same time?

 

In Kentucky at the National Corvette Museum, eight Corvettes fell into a sinkhole. “That’s kind of a shame”, thought millions of American women. “Are you kidding, it’s a TRAGEDY”, thought millions of American men.

 

Sixteen people were stuck for over three hours on the “Cheetah Hunt” roller coaster at Busch Gardens in Tampa after the coaster stopped functioning. If only they had been armed.

Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin has been convicted on 20 of 21 counts of conspiracy and bribery. Well, he did violate Louisiana’s 11th commandment -“Thou shalt not be stupid enough to get caught.”

Derek Jeter just announced 2014 will be his last year playing professional baseball. Does that mean after the season Jeter will ask for a trade to the Mets?

In Jay Leno’s 22 years on the Tonight Show, he taped 4610 shows. More than Johnny Carson who taped 4531 shows in 22 years. So we weren’t imagining it when we thought Johnny took a lot of vacations.

 

 

What East Coast bias? All it took was a massive snowstorm postponing the Duke-NC men’s basketball game for ESPN to show Stanford-Washington on TV.

 

Madame Tussaud’s has removed their New York Justin Bieber figure because too many young fans were touching and groping the statue. The museum said “Hopefully we can welcome a new ‘grown-up’ Justin back to the attraction in the near future.” Uh, forget the museum, how about welcoming a new “grown up” Justin to the real world.

Obamacare has beaten their monthly health insurance enrollment target for the first time, with more than 1.14 million people signed up in January. Time for the GOP to focus on gay marriage and marijuana laws again.

Who’s not looking at you, kid?

February 12, 2014

More on the showering with a gay teammate issue. What is it about some straight men that makes them think all gay men would find them attractive? I suppose the same thing that makes some men think all women find them attractive.

New Orleans Saints LB Jonathan Vilma, who originally made what seemed like homophobic comments about showering with a gay teammate, now has given a long convoluted apology. Translation – someone probably got a call from pro-gay rights QB – and team captain – Drew Brees.

Shirley Temple has passed away. And millions of younger Americans wonder why her parents named her after a drink.

So at least for now we lose the only real live drama of NBC’s primetime Olympics show – Just how much weirder looking could poor Bob Costas get with his pink eye infection? Costa sat out at least Tuesday’s coverage.

NBC every night what they perceive to be the best for last with their primetime 8-11pm Olympic coverage. Which means that folks in the generation least likely to have seen the results online have probably been in bed for hours.

Tuesday silver lining?   Americans can stop pretending to care about halfpipe.

A “historic ice storm” is supposed to hit Atlanta and potentially leave many without power for days. So where are all those fire and brimstone types who like to blame natural disasters on God’s wrath when those disasters happen to Red states?

Hundreds of flights are being cancelled this week in Charlotte, Dallas and Atlanta due to the latest storm. Looks like if the NFL decides to avoid cold weather cities for future Super Bowls they’re going to have to expand the blacklist.

If NBC broadcast the Super Bowl guess we would have seen brief tape-delayed highlights of the game between 8p-11p, sandwiched between commercials and human interest stories about Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman?

Mark Adams, IOC spokesman, regarding complaints about the halfpipe, which some athletes called “sand and mush.” “There is no problem at all with the halfpipe itself, it is just that these are dynamic living fields of play.” “Dynamic living fields of play?” And officials at Candlestick Park are going “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Well, at least some in the GOP are consistent. Florida Governor Rick Scott, asked directly if he supported an increase in the minimum wage. “If the President really cared about people making minimum wage he’d repeal Obamacare.”

An explosion at a Pakistan porn movie theater killed 11 and injured 30. No word on how many of the men hospitalized will survive their wives finding out where they were.

28 Republicans joined with Democrats in the House to pass a clean debt-limit bill today. I blame Obama.

Georgia Governor Nathan Deal suggests that if power goes out throughout the state, residents should “read a book.” And Georgians under 25 responded “What’s a book?

Closing this blog on a sad note.  Just heard of the passing of Keith Hillyard suddenly of a heart attack on January 21.  I never met Keith, he was a retired DJ in New Mexico, but he liked my jokes and read my blog regularly. . And a few times a year he’d add a comment, often something funny.

On January 20, he sent me the following.  “With teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, apparently they’re resurrecting the “Weed Eater” Bowl.”

Keith was only 63, and apparently a serious Denver Broncos fan.  At  least he lived before having to watch this year’s game..

Rain, rain, don’t go away

February 6, 2014

California has been in the middle of one of the worst drought in history.   A SF Bay Area artist is claiming he made it finally rain here by putting acupuncture needles in the ground. What BS. My friend knows she made it rain by washing her car.

All kinds of online headlines and on air talk in the SF Bay Area about how the first real rain storm of the year is snarling the morning commute. And in the rest of the country they’re thinking “Oh STFU!”

Jay Leno bid farewell to the Tonight Show, saying it was “the greatest 22 years of my life.” “Not so fast”, think both Brett Favre and NBC executives who will be looking at Jimmy Fallon’s ratings.

The Pittsburgh Steelers’ Ryan Clark says that while he doesn’t smoke marijuana, many NFL players do. “A lot of it is stress relief. A lot of it is pain and medication. Guys feel like, ‘If I can do this, it keeps me away from maybe Vicodin….” So wonder how long until Roger Goodell responds… by fining Clark?

There have been a number of pedestrians struck by cars in San Francisco recently. Today a woman was taken to hospital luckily with only “non-life-threatening injuries” after a taxi hit her. And police said witnesses reported that the woman was jaywalking and looking at something in her hand at the time. Gosh, I wonder what that “something in her hand” could have been?”

Subway is removing “Azodiacarbonamide” from its breads, after a food blogger pointed out the chemical is commonly used to increase elasticity in things like yoga mats. Wonder what chemical Subway is replacing it with?

So when these Sochi games are over will Motel 6 start a new advertising campaign touting their plush rooms?

NBC has a Winter Olympics FB page which says “Share if you’re ready.” Guess the page won’t be shared by the city of Sochi.

So if the water in Sochi is brown and the snow is man-made, should all the Alpine competitors get typhoid shots before they head downhill? Just asking.

From T.C.  ” The NHL will be shut down for three weeks while the Winter Olympics are on. ‘The what?’, said millions of Americans?

G.I. Joe just turned 50. His joints still move but now inside Joe’s box is a free package of Celebrex.

In Virginia, it’s still a misdemeanor for “any unmarried person to voluntarily have sexual intercourse with any other person.” And a bill to repeal the statute just died in committee. Guess this explains why so many politicians live in D.C. proper or in Maryland.

A friend asked “If Romney is not running for office, and since he currently has no public position, why is he all over the airwaves?” I’m thinking, well he can put together a sentence better than Sarah Palin. #smallmercies

Why the South is different. “Garnet and Gold” spring intra-squad football games at Florida State routinely fill the stadium. And last week, the team had a ceremony to celebrate their national championship. Over 30,000 fans showed up.

And outside Doak Stadium,  at the sod cemetery, (no joke, where sod is brought back and buried from road wins), FSU held a  memorial service with three small pieces  of sod from the wins against Florida, against Duke in the ACC title game and the BCS championship game.  Each piece was in a small casket, on display with flowers that represented the team colors of the opponents that Florida State defeated

Rings and things.

February 6, 2014

Airlines have been warned about possible terrorist attacks on flights into Sochi using toothpaste tubes. Which means security will be looking carefully at any toothpaste that looks suspicious. Presumably meaning at least ANYONE bringing a tube in from England.

NBC News’ Richard Engel reported that his computers and cellphone were hacked within a day of his arrival in Sochi. Where is Edward Snowden on this one?

Police said a Pennsylvania couple apparently died from carbon monoxide poisoning while having sex in a car parked in a garage. The ultimate Darwin award perhaps since they were trying to breed at the time?

What took them so long?  Scotland on Tuesday legalized gay marriage. I realize some might find this disgusting. But this is a country that long ago legalized the right of citizens to eat haggis.

Today was “National Signing Day” for college football. It’s especially exciting for SEC schools because today proves their recruits know how to sign their names.

#ClayAiken says he is running for Congress in North Carolina. So he wants to go from “American Idol” to “American Idle?”

A congressman gets caught with cocaine and gets a year’s probation. A famous movie star is found dead with 70 bags of heroin and as my friend Marty B. pointed out, had he been found alive he would not have been arrested. We’re not only losing the war on drugs, we aren’t even consistently fighting the battles.

I thought Bristol Palin getting on “Dancing with the Stars” for getting pregnant as an unmarried teenager was a new low in our civilization, but getting on “Celebrity Boxing” for killing a teenager has just topped, or rather bottomed, that.

 

 

What’s going on in the sports world? The Seahawks destroy the favored Broncos in the Super Bowl Sunday, and tonight the Lakers win on the road? (Okay, so it was the Cavaliers.) But what’s the next sign of the apocalypse? Cubs fans can only dream.

 

The Jamaican bobsled team’s luggage was “lost” on the way to Sochi, but has finally shown up. Can’t imagine why Russian authorities might have delayed and/or searched bags from Jamaica. Maybe visitors from Washington and Colorado might want to do carry-on.

Mitt Romney on running in 2016: “The answer is no.” And many in the media wondering “Why?” Uh, how about losing twice is enough?

Consistency …..

February 5, 2014

Consistency… is the hobgoblin of little basketball teams?  A random thought as the Lakers have lost  seven straight…..

 

A GOP Congressional candidate in Montana says he was just joking when he called Hillary Clinton the “anti-Christ” at a recent campaign event. Well of course, conservatives know the real “anti-Christ” is Obama.

The Oakland Raiders are 75-1 odds to be next year’s Super Bowl Champions. 75-1? So who knew the bookmakers in Las Vegas are optimistic Raiders fans.

Sammisano Joshua Talai Otuhiva, born in SF last August and weighing 16 lb 7 oz, has just officially been named the biggest baby ever born in California. No doubt he will soon be offered a full scholarship from Les Miles at LSU.

 

So now that we’ve survived Super Bowl 48 and all the transit issues, we can look ahead two years to Super Bowl 50. Where all the hotels are in San Francisco and the stadium is 45 miles away in Santa Clara. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

After Joe Namath eventually got the coin flipped correctly and it landed on tails, this means heads and tails are exactly even in Super Bowl coin flips – 24 to 24. And if you already knew this you probably spend WAY too much time on prop bets.

 

Vladimir Putin posed with a leopard cub at a preserve near Sochi, saying Russia “decided to restore the population of the Persian leopard because of the Olympic Games, “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.” Right, at the same time Putin ordered thousands of Sochi stray dogs to be killed before the Games start.

But you have to give it to Putin. Who else could come up with a city in Russia that needs to have man-made snow in winter?:

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Proponents of medical marijuana planned to put billboards near the Super Bowl. Presumably the boards will be up tomorrow.

 

NY police apparently have arrested 4 people allegedly connected to the drugs found in Philip Seymour Hoffman’s apartment. Which is good I guess. But have to wonder, how many more dead addicts have these people been “connected to” who weren’t famous?

And on a lighter note, forwarded by my friend Scot H.

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Winter time, and the sports living ain’t easy.

January 25, 2014

Is no sport sacred? In Florida, trainer James O’Donnell was charged with illegal possession of PEDs. Allegedly to use on racing grayhounds.

Got to love it, Saturday weather at 10a in Olympic site Sochi, Russia, 41 degrees. Weather at 10a in Super Bowl site East Rutherford, NJ, 18 degrees…..

The PGA tour has started for 2014 so that puts golf back in the ESPN headlines – as in ‘Tiger Woods 9 back after second round….”

 

The NFL fined Richard Sherman $7,875 for unsportsmanlike conduct/taunting at the end of the NFC championship game when he made a choking gesture towards the 49er bench. Gosh. That’s almost half the fine he’d have gotten for doing something truly egregious, like wearing the wrong color socks.

Orlando International Airport, 13th in size in the U.S., ranked 8th in the U.S. (and 1st in the state) in 2013, with 47 guns confiscated by TSA. So who says Florida doesn’t overachieve at anything?

 

In Oakland, a 13 year-old boy allegedly fatally shot his 17 year-old sister because he was upset she bleached his clothes. So will the NRA call for “open carry” in all laundromats?

An ex-Senate aide charged with possessing and distributing child pornography was found dead yesterday of an alleged suicide in Maryland. Bus to hell thought, while the Senate may be free-spending with our money, at least this guy saved taxpayers the expense of a trial.

 

Just wondering why Mike Huckabee isn’t also complaining that Republicans are “insulting the MEN of America by having Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for VIAGRA because they cannot control their libido without the help of the government.”

Another thought about Huckabee’s birth control comments: How many of his target audience didn’t know the word “libido?”

 

Only one more shopping day

December 20, 2013

Until the first NCAA football FBS bowl game of the year.

 

And if you know the name of the game, and who’s playing, and you’re not an alum of either team…. you probably have two much time on your hands.

The NFL said today it “strongly opposes” the FCC trying to end their 40-year sports blackout rule. Right. Because the average team only made $44 million in operating profit last year. (Source – Forbes) The owners have to feed their families.

 

Kobe Bryant, who just returned from a torn Achilles, has fractured his knee and will miss at least six weeks. So wonder how much Jack Nicholson is offering for courtside seats to the Clippers?

Olympic figure skating champion Brian Boitano came out as gay today. “I’m shocked” said absolutely nobody.

Whatever you think of President Obama, sending Russia a U.S delegation w/  does perhaps rank as the most elegant one, or rather three-finger salute of his presidency.

Pope Francis now has stated that he supports breastfeeding and he is okay with women doing it in public. Can we start a pool on when Rush Limbaugh’s head will explode?

Airbus, which would like airlines who buy their planes to put fewer seats in them, did a recent study of passengers. 54% said “an increase of comfort in economy class was critical or absolutely critical.” Perhaps those 54% should have a more reasonable dream – like winning the lottery.

 

As a British phone hacking scandal broadens, now it’s been revealed that Prince William referred to Kate as “babykins.” The Palace is not amused, but hey, on the other hand, an heir to the throne saying sweet nothings to his own wife…..

 

 

John Boehner is calling out “conservative groups”, Peter King said Rand Paul owes “that patriot,” NID Director James Clapper, an apology for saying he should resign for “lying” to a Senate committee about govt surveillance, and Glenn Beck called Chris Christie a “fat nightmare.”   Remember when not belonging to any organized party meant being a Democrat?

Somewhere Will Rogers is smiling.

So the government apparently has had access to some of our phone calls. On the other hand, in the private sector, Target apparently allowed access to 40 million Americans’ credit cards.

Fortunately there appear to be no fatalities after the roof collapsed at London’s Apollo Theatre tonight during a performance of “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. although as many as 80 people may have been injured. But think of all the men who reluctantly went along with their wives who had said “Honey, just come with me to one show, how much could it hurt?”

“Duck Dynasty” is on hiatus, after their star was suspended for anti-gay comments. So what are viewers to do who find “Honey Boo-Boo” too intellectual?

Well of course she did. Sarah Palin has defended Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson: “Free speech is an endangered species. Those ‘intolerants’ hatin’ and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing his personal opinion are taking on all of us.” Right. Free speech is important… unless it’s from anyone taking on Sarah herself.

So this is what Phil Robertson actually said when asked what is sinful. “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” Uh, START with homosexual behavior? Why didn’t he start with “sleeping around?” Except that that would alienate too many of his fellow conservatives, including the junior senator from his home state of Louisiana.

Rainbow delegation.

December 19, 2013

President Obama has chosen Billie Jean King as a leader of the U.S. delegation to the Olympic games in Sochi. The decision has to be tough for some conservatives who normally oppose gay rights. Because it’s also giving the finger to Putin.

Keith Richards turned 70 Wednesday. “I’ll take – ‘Celebrities we never expected to make it to 40 for $600, Alex.'”

 

A Kansas news anchor who was heard at the end of a live broadcast saying “let’s get the f— out of here” was fired by his station. Well, that’s one way to get the “f— out of there.”

 

One of the problems in this country is that most Americans think they have a better chance of winning the Mega Millions than being killed in an car accident while they check the winning numbers on their phones.

On the other hand, it’s not just Americans,  A  Taiwanese tourist in Melbourne, Australia walked off a pier and fell into the bay. She told police who rescued her “I was checking my Facebook page on the phone and I’ve fallen in.'” And somewhere Darwin again is updating his status “Missed it by THAT much.”

The NY Yankees have been fined $28 million in luxury tax. $28 million? That’s barely enough to cover a utility infielder.

 

A now former Walmart employee was so unhappy he didn’t win “Employee of the Month” that he fired a gunshot at the car of the co-worker who did. Do we really need to ask in what state?

Washington LB London Fletcher said today he’s “99% sure” he’ll retire from professional football after this season. Which means he could be back in 2014 with the Redskins.

 

Richard Sherman says it’s a bad idea to host the Super Bowl in a cold weather city. Though he added “Seattle’s stadium has been around since 2002 and we’d be a great host.” Tomorrow’s forecast for Seattle? 2-5 inches of snow….

New SF Giants left fielder Michael Morse, who seems like a nice guy, was asked about A T & T’s less than hitting- friendly reputation. “If you hit one, you hit one. It doesn’t matter what park you’re at.” And some of his new teammates just giggled.

 

Starbucks expects to break last year’s single day record, and sell more than 2 million gift cards today  – the Thursday before Christmas – at an average cost of about $35 a card. Which is enough to buy the lucky recipients at least four cups of coffee.

NFL Senior VP of Events Frank Supovitz “I think it would be better if it snowed a little bit during the game. I think it’ll just make it more memorable.” Spoken by a man who never played football, who will have private transportation to MetLife Stadium and who will watch the game from an indoor luxury suite.

We have a budget deal and the Fed said the economy is so strong it doesn’t need as much stimulus. Plus the Obamacare website is improving. You know what means… time for more GOP hearings on Benghazi.

Khloe Kardashian has tweeted about her split from Lamar Odom – “this is Torture to My Soul.” Shocking! A Kardashian has a soul?

 

From Jim Barach:  “Doctors in Brazil performed a C-Section on a woman who wasn’t pregnant. That would be like scheduling brain surgery on Donald Trump.”

Or I am thinking, heart surgery on Dick Cheney.

Pippa Middleton is engaged to be married. No word on a date but might be the first time in history millions of men turn in to see the wedding dress…preferably from the back.pippa

 

 

Light up the night?

September 8, 2013

The 2020 Olympics has been awarded to Tokyo. The city was an early favorite but has been dealing with mounting worries over the Fukushima nuclear plant. Well, on a brighter note, we could end up with the first glow-in-the-dark Olympic medals.

In the first America’s Cup race the two boats have come within inches of each other several times. Now, that’s a way to increase viewership – demolition derby?

During their upset lost to Miami, Florida had to burn a critical 4th quarter time out because of 12 men on the field during a PAT. Maybe this will prompt a new SEC emphasis on athletes taking math?

 

Meanwhile, Stanford won 34-13 over San Jose State, beating the Spartans soundly but not covering the spread. Although coach David Shaw basically had the Cardinal kneel down in San Jose State territory for the last couple minutes of the game to run out the clock.

Stanford fans know  Jim Harbaugh is well and truly gone – he’d have probably called passes into the end zone and then gone for two.

SI is planning to publish articles about alleged “inappropriate activities and actions” from 2001-2007 in Oklahoma State’s football program -including athletes being paid, drug abuse, grade changes, and hostesses providing sex to recruits. And gosh, what ever happened to the Cowboys’ coach from that time?

(For football fans who don’t follow it that closely, the coach from 2001-2004 was Les Miles. Since 2005 he has coached LSU.)

When Irish eyes are crying: Notre Dame 30, Michigan 41.

From Jerry Perisho:  “This season, Manti Teo’s imaginary girlfriend dates a player from Michigan.”

Washington State 10,  USC 7.  “Gosh do we wish we had hired Lane Kiffin as our coach” said no NCAA school anywhere.

There may be a more useless trend at games than having fans tweet random messages to put on the scoreboard. But offhand hard to think of one.

All these GOP members of Congress waxing so poetically about our need to avoid military intervention in the Mideast. I do imagine at “The Daily Show” interns are working overtime taking notes and saving video clips for future use.

So Dennis Rodman made another visit to his good friend Kim Jong Un. Guessing the Worm didn’t bring a copy of his ex-girlfriend Madonna’s “Sex” book.

The 2014 Super Bowl halftime act will be… Bruno Mars? Is that because an outdoor game in winter will be too cold for the usual old farts?

Bill Littlejohn’s take on the situation: The Super Bowl halftime show will  be performed by Bruno Mars.  Fitting, because the only place likely to feel colder than the stands at the Super Bowl that day will be Mars”

Flame out

August 12, 2012

The Olympic flame has been extinguished in London.  Just about in time for many Americans to have  gotten through their first week of  Tevo’ed tape-delayed NBC coverage.

What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was tonight in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed hundreds… and the most popular story on CNN.com? Jennifer Aniston is engaged.

Mitt Romney is already trying to distance himself from some of Paul Ryan’s proposals and statements. Which is going to be rough, Mitt is already working hard enough to distance himself from some of his own proposals and statements.

Since NBC has decided the best “prime time” is between 1130p and midnight, maybe they could move their fall coverage of Notre Dame football until then?

The man formerly known as Ochocinco, Chad Johnson, was arrested for domestic violence after an alleged argument with his wife when she found the receipt for a box of condoms. Shocking! An NFL player uses condoms?

If Paul Ryan really believes the way to fix Medicare is turning it into a program where seniors receive payments to buy their own health insurance, why doesn’t he advocate trying out his fix on a small, reasonably educated test group – like say, Congress?

You cannot make this stuff up. Romney aide Beth Myers, who ran the V.P. search, now is talking about the closely-guarded process. Since April, the campaign was compiling research documents on each potential candidate, including “several years” of tax returns.

Okay, here we go…. Lesson one on Paul Ryan, the man who wants to privatize Medicare and Social Security. He was only 16 when his dad died, but Ryan was able to pay for college at Miami of Ohio, using Social Security survivors’ benefits

Can anyone imagine what Jamaica sprinters would be like without the country’s number one non-performance enhancing drug?

And as the Olympics ended, didn’t watching Team USA in men’s basketball make you feel all warm and fuzzy and patriotic? Yeah, me neither.

So Obama’s mandate that employers offer birth control is “immoral”, and Catholic bishops said earlier this year that Ryan’s budget “fails to meet moral criteria.” This election may pose the toughest decision in memory for the church hierarchy, well not involving priests.

“Honey Badger” Tryann Mathieu is weighing options of FCS teams (where he can play after being kicked out of LSU.) Apparently Mathieu ruled out Southern because he wants to leave Baton Rouge. Makes sense, the cops all know him now.

Cue the creepy music..

August 11, 2012

Well,  I heard they were doing a remake of the Munsters.

 

This post written at 300a Eastern time on Saturday.  But hey, at  this point Romney’s choosing Paul Ryan as a running mate Saturday will be as much of a surprise as NBC’s tape-delayed Olympic coverage.

 

 

 

 

 

So SF Giants come back from 5-2 road trip to get shut out.  The first five by a pitcher with an ERA over 6? Uh, I know United Airlines  breaks guitars, do they also break bats?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Foxnews.com headline: “Sudden gasoline price spikes have experts scrambling for explanation.” I guess California is so blue that the network no longer covers the state, even refinery fires?

 

 

Fareed Zakaria has been suspended by both Time Magazine and CNN for allegedly plagiarizing a New Yorker column by Jill Lepore on gun control. Presumably not just for the copying, but for being stupid enough to think no one still reads the New Yorker.

The top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly “dozens” of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military.

Hope all of the people enjoying watching the U.S. women pile up the medals in London also support Title IX.

Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World?

Man U had a disappointing debut today on the New York Stock Exchange. Of course, part of that problem might be that a lot of Americans are thinking “Whats Man U?

 

LSU’s star DB Tryann Mathieu was kicked off the team for an unspecified athletic department violation. Sounds like when it came to the rules, that Honey Badger should have cared.

Good one from my friend Jim Barach. “UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA.

 

Question of the afternoon, which school will “Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu transfer to for “academic reasons?

Due to NCAA investigations of allegations that he had a falsified high school transcript, Auburn freshman RB Jovon Robinson is being held out of practice. Robinson hopes to return this year in time to play and become academically ineligible for 2013.

Tale of the tape

August 9, 2012

Yet another tape-delayed night at the Olympics about to begin. But with all the online and other spoilers there’s more drama in watching eliminations in American Idol and DWTS.

 

A thought about beach volleyball. Bikinis in London seem as incongruous as ads for dentists.

Much discussion lately about if the Founding Fathers ever imagined what would happen with the 2nd Amendment. On lighter note pretty darn sure the ancient Greeks never imagined Olympic beach volleyball.

Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What’s next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour.

At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he’d been caught, saying he wasn’t “made to deceive people”, and “couldn’t take it anymore.” Hmm, what Alex’s next move, running for office?

 

Randy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was “naked, combative,” and threatened police officers. “Drunk, naked, nasty and busted…” Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he’s got some great starter lyrics for his next song.

Bobby Valentine just said he thinks his Red Sox are a playoff team. And Josh Beckett is thinking, “Hey bro, how much of my beer are have you been drinking?”

On the pre-game show for their nationally-televised game of the week, ESPN seriously dissed most of the SF Giants lineup. Can they do this every night, please?

(for anyone who didn’t see, Giants 15-Cardinals 0)

 

Personally I don’t care if Ann Romney has a whole stable of purebreds.  But can only imagine if instead of Ann, it was Malia Obama who had a expensive horse and was entering dressage competitions.

So the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including,  surprise, Mitt Romney.

(So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself?)

Horsing around.

August 8, 2012

Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.

Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”

Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.

Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?

First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.

This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.

The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.

Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.

(Nice add from Peter Crapo,  “Only if he was running alone.”

If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.

Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention.  Delegates are content with the decision.  Comedy writers,  on the other hand….

On the other side of the aisle,  Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats.  And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,”  Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.

T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming  “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever.  BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”

In the  “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada  in women’s soccer?

High times at the Olympics:

August 7, 2012

Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.

NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”

Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?

Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.

(as Alex Schubert commented  –  “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.)  –

In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”

Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?

There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt.  But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but  does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?

(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)

Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.

Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.

More trenchant than funny.  But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.

Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.

Tale of the tape delayed.

August 5, 2012

Just back from a couple weeks in Europe.  Which means trading watching live Olympics in languages I don’t understand where they show the winners, to “cut and paste” late night USA highlights. Remind me to do this again in four years.

Michael Phelps says he’s not going near the water again. Does that include water pipes?

New Texas GOP Senate nominee Ted Cruz, said of his desire to cut the deficit, that he’d “be happy to compromise and work with anybody, Republicans, Democrats, libertarians, I’ll work with Martians.” Actually, given the polarization in D.C. these days, Martians might be his best bet.

Lindsey Graham just called Harry Reid a liar for saying he had heard Romney had not paid taxes for 10 years. The same Lindsey Graham who after Osama was killed said, ” Why doesn’t Obama just clear the matter up? I know bin Laden is dead, but the best way to protect our decisions overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.”

President Obama’s 51st birthday was yesterday. Assume Donald Trump sent him a card saying “Prove it.

The Chicago Cubs, who were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers, blew multiple leads in losing today,  giving up runs in four of the last five innings. Are the Cubs trying to be the official baseball team of Olympic badminton?

The Paterno family is demanding an appeal of the NCAA Penn State sanctions. Okay, maybe this isn’t a “quit while you’re ahead” situation, but maybe it’s “keep your mouths shut and quit reminding people” for a while? But then denial may also be a river in State College.

Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney. So where are Karl Rove and all the outraged Republicans who criticized Clint and accused him of being “bought” back in February for that Super Bowl “Halftime in America” ad.

Which takes less time – the Men’s 100 meter dash, or the coverage NBC devotes to sports where the USA doesn’t do well?

This is TCU’s first year in the Big 12. And Sunday coach Gary Patterson announced that starting QB Casey Pachall won’t face team discipline after admitting to police in February he had used marijuana and also failed a drug test. Looks like the Horned Frogs will fit in just fine in a major conference.

Since WNBA and early Women’s March Madness blowout games get extremely low ratings, why does NBC think out of all the Olympics that what we most wanted to see Sunday morning was Team USA beating up on the Chinese?

All these world records in swimming… Wow.    Of course, after Ryan Lochte’s comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible.

So regarding this “kiss-in” at Chick-Fil-A between same sex couples, including a lot of lesbians.  Wonder how many conservative men showed up  just “to keep an eye on what these ungodly people are doing.”

Gold medals, leaden coverage:

August 3, 2012

Bizarre watching the Olympics on a European channel: No tape delay, no “up close and personal,” just nonstop sports. What a concept.

Understandable that NBC wants to show Olympic events in prime-time. Less understandable that some Americans are probably falling asleep at work because they stayed up until nearly midnight to watch an event that happened over 8 hours ago.

If NBC can only wait a little longer they will have one day’s events shown after the next day’s events actually happen/

Got to love headlines you only see in the Olympics – as in “Archery upset.”  Or as Augie says “Badminton scandal.”

Americans are getting so excited about the USA swimming team that a few people are even thinking of watching a post-games event or two before the next Olympics.

But really, if they made hot-dog eating an Olympic event  where the US had a good chance for gold, Americans would tune in.  And NBC would tape-delay it.

Re that record breaking 16 year old Chinese girl swimmer: Any truth to the rumor she’s trying to enter next year’s Home Run Derby?
From Bill Littlejohn: Vanessa Bryant is reportedly upset at Kobe for a photo taken of him at a Team USA party. Which means that he has just gone from playing for the gold to playing for the diamond.

Mitt Romney said today that Harry Reid needs “to put up or shut up” with his accusations that Romney didn’t pay taxes for years. Gosh, if there were only a way to settle this once and for all…..

Okay, I think I understand Romney’s position of the day on the economy. The 163,000 jobs created last month were in spite of Obama. The 8.3% unemployment rate is all his fault.

Mitt Romney’s website is selling decals saying “Government Didn’t Build My Business, I Did.” Is Mitt also saying that government can’t do a thing about unemployment?

For any of you who are tired of reading about Olympics results featuring professional athletes playing at amateur sports, the first USA Today college football poll shows LSU and Alabama 1-2…. Oops, never mind.

Chicago’s O’Hare Airport Terminal 2 was closed and then reopened due to an unspecified “possible suspicious item.” What, did some airline actually try to give away something free?

From Marc Ragovin: Scandal at the Olympics, as the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams have been accused of tanking early round games to ensure more favorable matchups after reseeding. Word is the authorities were tipped off by a little birdie.

Winning.

July 31, 2012

The University of Central Florida men’s football and basketball teams have been banned from postseason play for a year because of recruiting violations. Proving once again, that the NCAA is really serious about their rules, as long as you are a mid-level or below D1 program.

It’s all about perspective.  U.S. papers are either decrying the men’s gymnastic results, or ignoring them. Meanwhile, British papers are thrilled with their bronze medal, even though maybe it should have been a silver.

Meanwhile, good luck finding an average citizen in either country who can name a member of either team.

Mitt Romney aide to the media covering his foreign policy tour in Warsaw. “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people. Show some respect.” Is this a campaign or an episode of the Sopranos?

 

As much as half of India may now be without power. Clearly we need to blame Obama.

Got to love it, now NBC is spoiling their OWN coverage. (Moments before airing Missy Franklin’s tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday’s edition of “Today” that said this: ”When you’re 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there’s nobody you’d rather share it with.”)

At Penn State, trees have been planted at the site formerly occupied by the Joe Paterno statue. Presumably they were all planted turning away from the gym and the showers.

With the internet, Twitter, FB, etc.  NBC’s tape delayed Olympic coverage is less “plausibly live” than Larry King.

 

 

Missy Franklin, who will be a high school senior this year, won a swimming gold medal for the U.S. in the 100 meter backstroke. The only unhappy people in America? Other high school seniors competing against her for college admissions.

Congrats to Missy Franklin AND Dana Vollmer for their success in the water this week.  May their fame and commercial success last as least half as long as that of a “reality star” from Jersey Shore.

 

Logan Morrison of the Miami Marlins tweeted a sarcastic anti-breastfeeding comment about Nordstrom’s “nothing makes me want to spend $$ like women breastfeeding in your store.” Uh, Logan, nothing makes women want to attend baseball games like the prospect of cheering for a neanderthal.

“Jaws” dropping.

July 14, 2012

Richard D Zanuck, the producer of Jaws, has died at 77. Does that mean it’s now safe to go back into the water?

And who will be the first to say at his funeral “I think we’re going to need a bigger coffin?”

Mastercard, Visa and many U.S. banks have agreed to pay $7.3 billion to millions of merchants to end a seven-year dispute over credit card “swipe” fees. Wonder how long it will take for the credit card companies and banks to announce $8 billion in consumer fees to make up for it.

Pitcher Mark Appel is returning to Stanford for his senior year, turning down the Pittsburgh Pirates. Since he still has Scott Boras for an agent wonder if Appel is learning a backup sport if he doesn’t like his potential contract or the teamthat drafts him in 2013.

People in upstate New Jersey are flocking to a tree that some say now has the image of the Virgin Mary. Really? Come on people. We know the Virgin Mary does not appear on trees. She appears on toast.

(or as friends have pointed out, on grilled cheese.)

So Prince Fielder won the Home Run Derby and Pablo Sandoval hit a three-run triple that broke open the All-Star game in the first. Not a good week in sports for Weight Watchers.

Rielle Hunter has apparently ended her book tour after selling only 6,000 copies of her memoir “What Really Happened.” Wonder how many thousands of those books she bought herself with the money John Edwards gives her?

All this talk about the U.S. Olympic uniforms being made in China. How about the fact that they make our athletes look like British flight attendants with French berets?

Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints just agreed on a long-term deal. Finally. These negotiations lasted long than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.

Regardless of what really happened (and when) Mitt Romney left his private equity firm, will this episode go down in history as him being “Swift-Bained?

Reality and unreality.

March 1, 2011

Kirstie Alley will be on this year’s Dancing with the Stars. Hope someone has alerted the USGS; if they do step dancing it could register on the Richter Scale.

Okay, admittedly I watch “the Bachelor” as a guilty pleasure.  But with this South Africa episode, anyone else rooting for a little wild animal attack?

Charlie Sheen’s publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don’t need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news.

I’ll say one thing for Charlie Sheen. He seems to have bumped Lindsay Lohan off the front page.

Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because they say the London 2012 logo resembles the word “Zion.” Really? With all due respect, the logo barely even resembles the numbers 2012.

Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas,  called “the most dangerous city in America” when speaking with reporters on Monday.

He was immediately defended by Sarah Palin , who said, well, give the guy a break, maybe he can’t see Juarez from his house.

Congratulations to “the King’s Speech” for winning Best Picture. Wonder how many Academy voters in the U.S. chose it because they loved the fantasy of a leader’s inarticulate son somehow miraculously growing into a true leader himself upon assuming office?

The general consensus is that the Oscars’ “youth movement” attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. Maybe next time the Academy wants to appeal to younger viewers they should have Pixar work something up with Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

If the Academy Awards really wanted the “must-see television” label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available.

All too familiar sign of spring in San Francisco, the following headline about today’s Giants spring training game in Arizona: “Barry Zito was not sharp.”

Earl Boykins,  34 years old and 5’5″ ,  has proved the doubters wrong for years, and is still playing for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks.  Now, his alma mater, Eastern Michigan University, is retiring his jersey.

As part of the celebration, EMU will make a  full-sized jersey replica available as a gift for baby showers.

Taco Bell is rolling out a new ad campaign saying that their taco filling is 88 percent beef and 12 percent “signature recipe seasoning and other ingredients.” Now the fun begins – what are those “other ingredients? (To be fair, they might be healthier than the beef.)

from my friend Jim Barach:
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only.  They are for guys who can’t get into college on an athletic scholarship.