Posted tagged ‘Olympics jokes’

World records beyond the Olympics…

March 6, 2010

Snuggies were placed on every seat in Cleveland’s arena before the Pistons-Cavaliers game, and fans were asked to put them on. Guinness World Records then certified it as the largest number of people wearing fleece blankets at once. The true uncertified record, however, probably still stands – any Giants-Dodgers night game at Candlestick Park.


On the other hand:

March marks the beginning of spring break season for many college students, Which basically means going to drink for a week someplace with warm winter weather. Like Vancouver.


Apparently more than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great have been discovered. The coins were found in the pockets of several pairs of jeans donated to Goodwill by Brett Favre.


So what’s a lower number today? The number of Americans who still care about the team’s gold medal hockey loss. Or the number of Canadians who still miss the Expos during spring training.


Sarah Palin has complained about Levi Johnson’s “quest for attention, fame and fortune'” and says that the media is exploiting her children. This while she is travelling the U.S, appearing regularly on television, and pitching her own reality show. Palin may be able to see Russia from her house but she sure can’t see herself in the mirror.


Karl Rove says in a new book that Dick Cheney was at first uncomfortable with the idea of being George W. Bush’s running mate. But then Cheney realized, he’d always wanted to be president.


Rove also denied in his book that Bush “lied us into war?” That, Karl said, was MY idea.

From Bill Littlejohn:

Senator Jim Bunning, a baseball Hall of Famer, gave a reporter the middle finger this week: “No, it wasn’t being asked again about his decision to block a bill that would extend unemployment benefits. It was being asked again about the 1964 Phillies collapse.’’ .


Thousands of California students protested cuts in the public university system Thursday in a “Day of Action.” Not to be confused with business as usual in Sacramento, which was a “Day of Inaction.”

Crouching to watch no longer hidden Tiger…

February 20, 2010

And we thought Tiger kept his galleries under control. You almost expected him to give the “heel” sign to the journalists who sat and gazed rapt upon him. (photo from Eric Gay/AP)

The media was full of stories of how Tiger Woods “bared his soul” today at his press conference. Of course, had his soul been all Tiger had bared earlier, he wouldnt have needed the press conference in the first place.


Major League Baseball has officially banned weapons in the clubhouse. Well, that shouldn’t affect the San Francisco Giants’ hitters. They haven’t had any real weapons for years.


As Tiger Woods joins a long line of celebrities who have apologized for their sexual misconduct, one thought comes to mind – all of these apologies might ring a little truer if they happened before the person involved was publicly caught.


The Canadian team has some incredible talent, but when actually play began to win an Olympic championship, they almost lost to lowly Switzerland. Maybe it wasn’t the greatest idea to build a team around four San Jose Sharks?


So Tiger Woods’ news conference was right in the middle of the Accenture Match Play Championship. and some think it was deliberately timed to steal the limelight from the tournament since the company had dropped him as a sponsor. Nah, only a completely egomanical, win-at-all-costs, self-absorbed person would do something like that.


Tanith Belbin and her partner skated their first compulsory ice dance tonight. And all over America men who had been complaining “This ice dancing stuff is boring/silly/ridiculous suddenly remarked “You know, honey we don’t have to change channels for a little while longer if you want… ”


And regarding Scotty Lago, who was sent home from the Olympics with his bronze medal after risque pictures surfaced of him on the internet….. One, did anyone really think that when they allowed snowboarders into the Olympics that they were getting choir boys and girls? And two, has anyone at the IOC seen some of these ice skating and dancing costumes?

President’s Day ramblings…

February 15, 2010

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was asked if he thought Sarah Palin was qualified to be president? His response “That never mattered with W.”


With the NBC tape delays, Americans on the West Coast who don’t want to find out Olympic results early are finding themselves in the tough position of having to go all day without paying any attention to any news online, on the radio or television. In other words, they get a glimpse of what it was like to be former President George W. Bush.


February 15 is President’s Day. Which is now one of the saddest days of the year George W. Bush. He misses getting all those presents.


To save money, the state of Utah might make 12th grade classes optional. So for football players, they’ll get a taste of life at college.


Larry Ellison’s BMW Oracle team won the America’s Cup for the US over the Swiss boat Allinghi. “That’s really exciting” said almost nobody.


More than 108,000 fans bought tickets for the NBA All-Star game at Cowboys Stadium. And almost 100 of them could actually see the court.


Chinese skaters Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo came out of retirement to lead the pairs competition after the first round. They skated a beautiful short program to a melody that translates roughly “You punks get off of my ice.”

Amateur hour

October 2, 2009

Should we be surprised Chicago lost the Olympics? The city has a long and rich tradition of scandal, corruption and bribery. Put it down to the IOC’s professional jealousy ·


I’ll refrain from making Cubs jokes about Chicago not getting the Olympics, because it’s too easy to say that the Cubbies already fulfill the city’s desire for top notch amateur athletics. And besides, the White Sox count too.


When the extortion story broke, some comedy writers say they were disappointed in David Letterman. Most, however, were just relieved to hear some comedian other than Lisa Lampanelli has been having sex.


So far, while he is the brunt of jokes, David Letterman seems to be weathering the sex scandal, in fact, his ratings have even gone up. In related news, the Late Show just received a guest host application from Bill Clinton.


Apparently attendance for Major League Baseball has been down about seven percent in 2009.

“The way the economy’s going, a family of four comes to the ballpark and how much is a hot dog, a Coke, a drink for the parents?” Giants pitcher Brad Penny said. “That adds up.”

Interesting words from a guy who would like to return to San Francisco, if they can meet his $20 million or so price tag, Hey, a guy’s got to feed HIS family.


San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Barry Zito had ten, count ’em, ten, outings this year when the offense didn’t score when he was on the mound. With that little scoring he’s become the poster pitcher for Trekkies.

Many Americans just don’t get the little nuances of hockey: It was announced Rob Blake will wear the ‘C’ as captain of the Sharks. Many San Jose fans thought the ‘C’ stood for their grade in the playoffs.’’


Little rant of the night. Propel vitamin water now comes in a nice six-pack of 16.9 ounce bottles. The package proudly proclaims – “Only 10 calories per serving.” What’s a serving? Half a bottle.

(Okay, I understand when a half cup of ice cream has 300 calories, that you might want to pretend nobody ever eats the whole pint. But fudging when it’s the difference between 10 and 20 calories? Really??)


Finally, a bad pun alert, from R.J. Currie:

After the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Delonte West this week suggested his recent arrest on gun charges is not a big deal: “Really? He was found carrying a 9mm handgun, a .357 Magnum, and an 870 shotgun. If convicted, where will Cleveland find another player of his caliber.’’