Posted tagged ‘Tiger jokes’

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Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

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At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

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Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

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Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

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Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

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All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

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Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

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Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

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Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

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Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

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As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

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GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

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M Gone Blue.

May 12, 2015

Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?

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Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.

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Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?

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So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”

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Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬?

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Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. ‪#‎dowehavetopickaside‬?

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Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?

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The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.

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A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?

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Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”

 

Per Duane Kuiper, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt ‪#‎Duffy‬ with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. ‪#‎McGehee‬ who?

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The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system.  But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.

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MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?

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Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.

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Frozen Four.

April 10, 2010

For the uninitiated the Frozen Four is the title for the NCAA’s hockey championship, this year held at Ford Field (home of the Detroit Lions).

Some things the Frozen Four is not…

Nancy Pelosi and her girlfriends having a post-Botox treatment lunch.

Anything involving Hillary Clinton and three of her colleagues.

The last remaining fans at a Candlestick Park extra innings game.

The last remaining fans at Wisconsin’s 8-1 drubbing of the Rochester Institute of Technology.

(and yes, who knew the Rochester Institute of Technology had a hockey team. Heck, until a few weeks ago who knew Butler had a basketball team?)

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Most Americans won’t really pay any attention to the Frozen Four final game tomorrow night, which is between Wisconsin and Boston College. Now, if the winner could only play against some international team that wanted to win really badly, and the U.S. team could beat them, well, then Americans could care. For at least fifteen minutes.

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Anybody else watch the latest Nike – Tiger Woods commercial and half-expect to hear the voice of James Earl Jones intoning “Tiger, I am your father.”

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Italy’s Matteo Manassero, age 16, has now become both the youngest person to play at the Masters, and the youngest to make the cut.

16 years old?!!! There are probably a dozen whiskies in the Masters’ clubhouse bar older than that.

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Prince Charles’ wife Camilla apparently broke her leg yesterday. Wonder how many furlongs she was running?

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Former 49ers star Jerry Rice threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the San Francisco Giants’ home opener today. The Oakland A’s thought of asking JaMarcus Russell to do the same, but they didn’t have enough liability insurance.

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President Obama stated he “really had no response” to Sarah Palin’s criticizing his agreement with Russia restricting nuclear weapons. “Because last I checked, Sarah Palin’s not much of an expert on nuclear issues.” And Palin responded indignantly “But I can see the missile silos from my house.”

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Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring at the age of 89. And Brett Favre commented, “So young!”

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And a tacky finish. Sandy Lyle, 52 years old, had a great first round at the Masters, and a horrible second round. In fact, he went from a 69 to an 86.

Probably just my sick mind but doesn’t going from a 69 to 86 sound like a short version in numbers of Tiger’s extracurricular activities leading to him being fired from most of his endorsement deals?

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Move over Denver….

March 25, 2010

California voters could legalize marijuana this November. So much for the “Mile High City,” we could become the “Mile High State.”

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An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which may help explain why the San Francisco Giants were able to sign Tim Lincecum to a long-term contract.

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or – nonsports version –

An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which could make the state the first to do away with high crimes and misdemeanors.

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NFL officials have expressed concern because as many as a third of potential first round draft picks have admitted marijuana use. Wow. Next thing we’ll be hearing is that some of these players didn’t go to college for the academics either.

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Although, on second thought regarding that story of the NFL being concerned about about a third of potential first-rounders admitting marijuana use – are they worried more about those kids having drug problems or the other kids being liars?

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Blockbuster, once one of the most profitable entertainment companies in America, is now close to bankruptcy. A documentary movie on the company’s rapid rise and fall may be available this summer on Netflix.

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Pamela Anderson did surprisingly well on the first “Dancing with the Stars.” There was that first embarrassing moment in the rehearsals when she thought “stars” referred to those little breast pasties.

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Sandra Bullock has largely maintained a public silence about her husband’s alleged multiple infidelities. But rumor has it she’s considering going golfing with Elin Woods.
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Sandra Bullock has largely maintained a public silence about her husband’s alleged multiple infidelities. But her friends are considering a Craigslist post for a “dirty little coward” to shoot Mr. Howard.

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Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. “That’s really a shame”, said absolutely no one.

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Really tacky joke. Some are still up in arms over Joe Biden’s “Big f**king deal” comment.

Suppose it’s a good thing no sportscaster referred to Tiger’s endorsement-losing follies as “Big deal-breaking f**king.”

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Crouching to watch no longer hidden Tiger…

February 20, 2010

And we thought Tiger kept his galleries under control. You almost expected him to give the “heel” sign to the journalists who sat and gazed rapt upon him. (photo from Eric Gay/AP)

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The media was full of stories of how Tiger Woods “bared his soul” today at his press conference. Of course, had his soul been all Tiger had bared earlier, he wouldnt have needed the press conference in the first place.

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Major League Baseball has officially banned weapons in the clubhouse. Well, that shouldn’t affect the San Francisco Giants’ hitters. They haven’t had any real weapons for years.

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As Tiger Woods joins a long line of celebrities who have apologized for their sexual misconduct, one thought comes to mind – all of these apologies might ring a little truer if they happened before the person involved was publicly caught.

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The Canadian team has some incredible talent, but when actually play began to win an Olympic championship, they almost lost to lowly Switzerland. Maybe it wasn’t the greatest idea to build a team around four San Jose Sharks?

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So Tiger Woods’ news conference was right in the middle of the Accenture Match Play Championship. and some think it was deliberately timed to steal the limelight from the tournament since the company had dropped him as a sponsor. Nah, only a completely egomanical, win-at-all-costs, self-absorbed person would do something like that.

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Tanith Belbin and her partner skated their first compulsory ice dance tonight. And all over America men who had been complaining “This ice dancing stuff is boring/silly/ridiculous suddenly remarked “You know, honey we don’t have to change channels for a little while longer if you want… ”

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And regarding Scotty Lago, who was sent home from the Olympics with his bronze medal after risque pictures surfaced of him on the internet….. One, did anyone really think that when they allowed snowboarders into the Olympics that they were getting choir boys and girls? And two, has anyone at the IOC seen some of these ice skating and dancing costumes?

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Snow day

December 20, 2009

Snow has basically shut down Washington D.C. this weekend. Democrats introduced a resolution to name it the “Lieberman Blizzard.”
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Washington, D.C. was blanketed in snow today. It’s the most powdery white stuff the city has seen since Marion Barry was mayor.

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NFL games in Philadelphia and Baltimore have already been delayed 3 hours tomorrow by the snowstorm.

Canadian Football League fans have a one word comment – “Wimps.”

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Actually fans in Edmonton, Calgary and Saskatoon have a question – “You mean people actually can play football without snow?”

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Tag Heuer now also says they will downscale their Tiger Woods ads. The watch company’s slogan is “What are you made of?” – Future Tiger ads may say simply “Who have you made?”

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Monica Lewinsky is trying to jump back in the spotlight by complaining now that Bill Clinton lied about their relationship.

Two questions: – First, is there anyone left in America who believed Bill Clinton told the truth about sex?

Second, if she really wanted to get back in the news for having an affair, wouldn’t it have been easier to claim she slept with Tiger Woods?
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The #2 ranked Stanford women’s basketball team beat the #3 ranked Tennessee women’s basketball team 67-52. During the game Tennessee had exactly four assists. Kobe Bryant wonders how they lost despite that stunning display of teamwork.

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Tennessee coach Pat Summitt, one of the winningest NCAA coaches of all time in any sport, has a reputation for taking losses seriously. Last year after an early tournament loss, she had the Lady Vols practice after their season was over.

Although aren’t the New Jersey Nets basically doing the same thing?

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Heisman and other rants…

December 13, 2009

Since when did they change the Heisman to become the award for the best sophomore in the country?

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Note to voters, this isn’t college basketball. Sophomores come back next year.

So Mark Ingram lost out to Toby Gerhart for the Doak Walker award for the nation’s best running back. And he wasn’t even the MVP when Alabama beat Florida. (QB Greg McElroy was.) And he had 39 yards in the game against Auburn. Heisman voters, whats YOUR deal?

From Nick Coombs Where is Kanye West when we REALLY need him?

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Gillette is scaling back their ads feature Tiger Woods. Although they state it is not for any negative reason, but rather in support of the golfer.

“As Tiger takes a break from the public eye,” said a marketing spokesman, we will support his desire for privacy by limiting his role in our marketing programs.” I think I like the one about hiking the Appalachian trail better.

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When Army lost to Navy on Saturday, that put UCLA into the EagleBank Bowl, December 29, in Washington, D.C. Bruins fans were happy and relieved. They would have just hated to see their 6-6 team miss post-season competition.

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But to be fair, this is Washington D.C., between the Nationals, Redskins and Wizards, .500 looks pretty darn good.

Tacky time.

It was a record-tying day at Hollywood Park Friday for jockey Joel Rosario, who tied a track record set by Bill Shoemaker in 1953

What’s the difference between Joel Rosario and Tiger Woods. Rosario rode six winners. Tiger is a winner who rode….oh, never mind

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Ouching Tiger.

December 4, 2009

The number one customer service question at the Apple Store this week from men – “Uh, how do you delete call logs?

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Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford’s wife has decided to take up golf.

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As rough a week as this has been for Tiger Woods, there are several teams, athletes and coaches who are if not exactly happy about his misfortune, relieved to be at least temporarily off the front page…

For examples:

– the New Jersey Nets

– Charlie Weis and anyone rumored to be on Notre Dame’s short list to replace him, not to mention the 6-6 team including former Heisman front-runner Jimmy Clausen.

– the Saskatchewan Roughriders, who had basically won the Grey Cup, Canada’s football championship, until they got called for a “too many men on the field” penalty during a missed game winning field goal attempt. (The extra man didn’t affect the kick, but the placekicker didn’t miss his second try, and the Montreal Alouettes pulled out the victory.)

– the Gator Bowl, and okay, they have nostalgia on their side, but as a big money New Years Day bowl, with the third pick of ACC teams, they will take 6-6 Florida State.

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On her book tour in Minnesota, Sarah Palin’s staff informed the media that they were banning foreign press and only English speakers would be allowed. Guess up north they were worried they’d have to deal with all those reporters coming across the border speaking Canadian.

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John McCain repeatedly praised AARP when he was running for President. Now that the senior group has endorsed Obama’s health care plan, the Senator is speaking out against them. But to be fair, maybe it’s not that McCain decided to renounce his previous praise. Maybe he just forgot it.

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How times have changed. In 1997, both the U.S. President, Bill Clinton, and the world’s top golfer, Greg Norman, were white. Now we have both President Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. The other difference, now the President seems like the squeaky clean one…

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The Swiss have long been known as the bankers of the world. Now they’ve granted $4.5 million bail to Roman Polanski. Which considering his history, seems like a rather risky proposition. Although if he jumps bail, he’ll actually be America’s problem, and the Swiss, while potentially embarrassed, can keep the money. Hmm……maybe I’m begining to see how they got all those banks.

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Tiger and beyond….

December 3, 2009

Allen Iverson will apparently sign with the 76ers, after he announced his retirement only a week ago. “Amateur,” commented Brett Favre.

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After the week Tiger Woods has had, I can only hope Tim Tebow really is as clean as his image. Otherwise God could start losing his faith in people.

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Well, this week does answer those who say Tiger never really connects with “playing partners.”

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And I suppose those Americans who are tired of this story already have to be thankful for one thing…. Texting hadn’t really been invented when Bill Clinton was President…..

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The NFL is trying to prevent more serious head injuries and has instituted a policy whereby players who think they have sustained a concussion should not return to action on the same day if they show “certain signs or symptoms.”

These symptoms include “an inability to remember assignments or plays.” Which means by the end of many games, the Cleveland Browns may find themselves unable to field 11 men on offense.

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Ron Artest now says that he used to drink cognac during halftime while he has been playing in NBA. Wow, and here most fans thought the only people drinking hard stuff during the games would be Artest’s coaches.

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Actually, Artest says he drank while playing for the Chicago Bulls. When he was with the Sacramento Kings, he just drove fans to drink. And just think, that whole brawl that ensued when a man threw a beer on him in Detroit, could this all have been averted had the guy just thrown Hennessy?

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Be careful what you wish for department:

As much of the nation begins to focus on Toby Gerhart, who may or may not win a Heisman, but will graduate from Stanford this year, we can also pause to remember another player who would have been a senior at Stanford, playing basketball, until he decided to jump to the NBA. – Brook Lopez.

And yes, he’s making over $2.5 million in NBA salary. But playing for the New Jersey Nets. (Stanford, 5-3 and picked to finish last in the Pac 10, has 5 more wins than the Nets.)

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Tonight the New Jersey Nets set an NBA record for most losses to open the season, and head into the week 0-18. In three years, the Nets are expected to leave New Jersey and move to Brooklyn. Which is strangely appropriate. It’s about time New Jersey dumped some of their garbage back to New York.

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