Posted tagged ‘deflategate jokes’

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Trying to catch the crazy train?

September 3, 2015

John Kasich, who has a reputation for sanity: – “If I become president, I’m going to name it back to Mt. McKinley. This is not something we appreciate or agree with in Ohio.”
Then the Ohio governor added “The reason the mountain was named that way in my understanding is a guy was out there climbing, he saw this big peak, and he wanted to celebrate the achievements of President McKinley, so he named it Mt. McKinley.”
Uh, the guy who named it did so in 1896. When McKinley hadn’t even been ELECTED President yet. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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So in today’s ruling Judge Berman wrote that “Brady had no notice that such conduct was prohibited, or any reasonable certainty of potential discipline stemming from such conduct The Court concludes that, as a matter of law, no NFL policy or precedent notifies players that they may be disciplined (much less suspended) for general awareness of misconduct by others.”

The Saints called.. They want 2012 back.

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A British study found that cats didn’t suffer from separation anxiety when their owners are gone. Not only that,, the felines didn’t feel the need to post cute human pictures on social media.

(And of course maybe it has nothing to do with separation anxiety.  Maybe cats just don’t like being studied.)

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A poisonous 8 foot long King Cobra snake has escaped from a house in Orlando near Disney World. So all you thrill-seeking tourists, no need to wait in line for the Indiana Jones ride.

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The wife of Redskins GM Scot McCloughan has apologized for tweets implying that an ESPN reporter had exchanged sexual favors for scoops. Well, give Washington credit, they never stop at just being embarrassing ON the field.

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A judge has ordered Kentucky clerk Kim Davis to jail for refusing to issue gay marriage licenses. And the price for Davis’s future speaking fees to conservative groups keeps going up.

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Whatever happens in the GOP primary this Donald Trump-Jeb Bush feud is entertaining.  And so mature.  Too soon to start a pool, on the first to accuse the other with “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”

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Five Rutgers football players were charged yesterday for allegedly assaulting another student in April. They have been suspended from the program. So does it mean the Scarlet Knights are recruiting more than the average number of thugs? Or are the New Brunswick police less accommodating than those, in say, Tallahassee?

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Now Donald Trump has indeed signed a pledge saying he would not run as a third party candidate. But no doubt Trump is thinking “Well, with the Greens, the Libertarians, etc, it would be at least a fifth or sixth party.”

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It’s a funny game. Tonight the San Diego Padres scored as many runs in FIVE innings against the Dodgers bullpen (6), as the SF Giants did this week against the entire Los Angeles pitching staff in 3 games and 32 innings

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Are these people trying to put the Onion out of business? The lawyer for Kim Davis: “Does that mean that if you’re Christian, don’t apply here; if you’re a Jew, you gotta get — what happened in Nazi Germany, what happened there first, they removed the Jews from government public employment, then they stopped patronizing them in their private businesses, then they continued to stigmatize them, then they were the ‘problems,’ then they killed them.” Yes, he said it.

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from T.C.  “UCLA has suspended Ishmael Adams from the football team as he was arrested for robbing a Uber driver. He must be majoring in Rocket Science as Uber only takes payments via credit and debit cards.”

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Headline competition

July 29, 2015

A scumbag hunter illegally kills a beloved lion, the NFL upholds golden boy Tom Brady’s suspension after the QB destroys his cellphone, and now wreckage has been found from a plane that might be MH370.

Donald Trump’s going to have to outdo himself to make headlines today.

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No one is saying that deflating a football is like hitting a woman. Even when it’s done by an organization with a history of bending the rules. And the Colts were going to lose if Brady threw actual bricks. But McGovern was going to lose in 1972 too. The cover up is ALWAYS worse than the crime. ‪#‎whenwilltheyeverlearn‬?

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Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, complaining that he was “wrong to put his faith in the league.” “I was willing to accept the harshest penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation, because I believed it would help exonerate Tom.”

Uh, sir, it is the ONLY penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation. ‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬

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Jerry Jones says that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is doing “an outstanding job.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the 4th and last game of Brady’s suspension is scheduled to be against the Dallas Cowboys.

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Conventional wisdom aside, the ‪#‎MLBTradeDeadline‬ is much more fun than the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬.

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So now that he’s with Toronto ‪#‎BlueJays‬, will the star shortstop be known as Troy Tulowitzk-eh? ‪#‎TuloTrade‬

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SF Giants having an online sale which includes a lot of Sandoval World Series 2014 merchandise. Prices on gear might be the only thing connected with the Panda that are shrinking this year. Okay, besides his offensive numbers….

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There are now reports that United Airlines was hacked around the same time as Anthem and the U.S. Office of Personnel Management. A United spokesman said that it was ‘pure speculation,” and “we can assure our customers that their personal information is secure. We remain vigilant in protecting against unauthorized access and use top advisors and best practices on cyber-security to maintain our effectiveness.”

The same “best practices” they use for their reservations system? ‪#‎andhesaiditwithastraightface‬

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Linda Tripp (google her, youngsters), says she is risking her wonderful family life now to speak out against Hillary Clinton, an ambitious liar who “will stop at nothing to achieve her end.” Tripp said: ‘I regret what I put my children through. I regret very much that they had to endure that level of vitriol but would I do it again? Yes….My civil service career, well over 20 years at that time, meant a sense of loyalty, patriotic duty and honor. I sincerely cared about the integrity of the country’s leadership.’
If anyone in the world could make Hillary Clinton come off as sympathetic, it’s Linda Tripp.

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Well, that didn’t take long.. Marco Rubio tweeting today “look at all this outrage over a dead lion, but where is all the outrage over the planned parenthood dead babies.”

Well, while we’re at it where’s Rubio’s outrage over…mass shooting victims, soldiers killed in unnecessary wars, people who die without healthcare…. For starters.

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From Marc Ragovin “The Yankees beat the Rangers 21-5 the other day, making it the first time in MLB history that the ump asked a manager whether he wanted to hit or stick. “.

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On  a serious note, thinking all citizens and most police officers should be very grateful to whoever first came up with the idea of police video body cams.

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Ruled out?

May 20, 2015

The NFL is apparently about to change the Point After Touchdown (PAT) rule. Oakland Raiders fans are asking “The what?”

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Former Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson is transferring to Florida State and will play for the Seminoles next year. Well, at least he won’t have to worry anymore about being suspended for “poor academic judgment.”

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ESPN is reporting that the NFL and New England Patriots are having “back-channel conversations” to see if they can settle Deflategate differences without an appeal or litigation. Translation, so Brady can play against the Cowboys in week 4, and Kraft and Goodell can still have dinner together….

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Patriots owner Bob Kraft said the team will not appeal the NFL fine and loss of draft picks over Deflategate. Meaning there’s probably a deal to reduce Brady’s suspension. And what’s $1 million anyway. The Pats can always raise beer prices.

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To boost sales, KFC is bringing back Colonel Sanders, and coming out with a fancier restaurant design. What’s next, actually spending money to improve the quality of their food?

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The minor league baseball Fresno Grizzlies have joined the creative ballpark food bandwagon with “Frankenslice” – a pizza with hot dogs wrapped in the crust. Does it come with a discount coupon for an EKG?

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UPS will reportedly pay $25 million in claims for falsifying “on-time” claims for ten years. And the airlines are thinking “You can do that?”

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Walmart’s income $1.03 a share in the first quarter, when analysts had expected $1.05 a share. And the company blamed it partly on higher raising worker wages to at least $9 a hour. The company ended up only making $3.1 billion. Wonder if Walmart sells violins so we can get them out and play them….

 

A Rasmussen poll says 46% of voters want George Stephanopoulos banned after t came out that he donated $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. Okay, maybe not a smart move but did any one actually think the former Clinton staffer was unbiased before? (Maybe about as many as actually believe “Fair and balanced.”)

 

Bryce Harper has 10 home runs in the last 12 games. Even Barry Bonds is thinking “Who’d be idiotic enough to throw him a strike?”

 

So after the Waco biker shootings, Texas is moving ahead with an “Open Carry” bill that will LOOSEN handgun laws, with leglislators saying things like the law had nothing to do with the shooting and it’s not as if the current law stopped them. ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblyhavebeenworse‬? ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬

 

#‎Knicks‬ fall to #4 in the ‪#‎NBADraft‬. Karmic punishment for being stupid enough to beat the ‪#‎Hawks‬ and ‪#‎Spurs‬ down the stretch.

 

 

Of course, it’s all relative. The worst-in-the-league ‪#‎Timberwolves‬ got the 1st pick in the ‪#‎NBADraft‬ but already had Rookie of the Year Andrew Wiggins. Meanwhile the last time the ‪#‎Spurs‬ had a lottery pick they took a young man named ‪#‎TimDuncan‬. ‪#‎alonglongtimeago‬

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Smoke and mirrors?

May 13, 2015

A new Johns Hopkins University of Medicine study found that new stronger strains of marijuana could cause people exposed to second-hand smoke to test positive for pot drug in a urine analysis. Was this study sponsored by the NFL Players Association?

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Corey Kluber, 113 pitches, 8 inning one-hit shutout, 18 strikeouts! And Indians took him out of game. ‪#‎oldschoolpitchersareweeping‬

But hey, it’s about pitch counts now. And we all know pitch counts make a big difference in pitchers’ health, because so few young players are getting injured these days and/or needing surgery…. Oops, never mind.

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Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in support of Roger Goodell and his Deflategate decision: “I think he’s doing a great job, and I’m a big supporter of his. … I know one of his best qualities is fairness.” Translation. Either Romo likes hard footballs, or Jones knows he handles his balls himself.

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Former FSU coach Bobby Bowden, 85, on Jameis Winston “I think it’s a consensus amongst Florida State fans and boosters that he was an embarrassment in a lot of ways to the university.” Sigh, Bowden was a great coach. But memory is one of the first things to go. ‪#‎FreeShoesUniversity‬

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A couple who was convicted of “lewd and lascivious exhibition” for having sex on a crowded beach with children around not only faces jail time, they must register as sex offenders. Right, because their display was almost as bad as what many American children see every night on television?

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The Arizona attorney general’s office has filed charges against a woman who in 2010 faked having cancer to get an abortion. Agree that it was wrong. But imagine what kind of mother she would have made.

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Searchers looking for Malaysia Airlines flight 370 in the Indiana Ocean have discovered a 19th century shipwreck. Stand by for the CNN special talking about if it’s a cruise ship.

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A small detail that got lost in last night’s SF Giants 8-1 win over the Astros. Nori Aoki was originally called safe at first, but the call was overturned quickly after a video review. The first base umpire? Jim Joyce. ‪#‎Fiveyearstoolate‬ ‪#‎ArmandoGalarraga‬

 

 

In Wisconsin, the state assembly passed bills mandating drug tests for welfare recipients, and requiring that monthly stipends be used for healthy foods. Okay, fine, can we also drug test Wisconsin assembly members, and require them to use their $88 a DAY living expenses on healthy food too?

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So American Idol has been cancelled in part because of what some call WGWG (“White guys with guitars) syndrome. Where the winners are cute WGWG’s who may win votes from mostly young female viewers, but never amount to anything. And what do they do for their penultimate final? Send the girl rocker home in favor of two WGWGs

 

 

 

Why people who aren’t in the travel industry shouldn’t write travel articles: A SF Chronicle story from Business Insider on the “best Hawaiian islands for every type of traveler” says “Best for honeymooners – Lanai” – …” “a perfect destination for honeymooners who are seeking privacy and seclusion. Since the island’s two Four Seasons Resorts are currently closed to the public for renovations, visitors can enjoy more seclusion and fewer tourists.

Uh, yes, since the ONLY two major hotels on the island are closed, and the ONLY hotel open is the funky Hotel Lanai with 11 rooms, there’s plenty of seclusion…..

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M Gone Blue.

May 12, 2015

Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?

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Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.

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Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?

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So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”

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Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬?

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Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. ‪#‎dowehavetopickaside‬?

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Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?

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The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.

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A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?

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Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”

 

Per Duane Kuiper, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt ‪#‎Duffy‬ with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. ‪#‎McGehee‬ who?

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The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system.  But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.

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MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?

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Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.

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Dumb and dumber?

May 8, 2015

The Cleveland Cavaliers are apologizing for an “insensitive” promotional video where a young man imitates Patrick Swayze about to catch Jennifer Grey on her leap in “Dirty Dancing.”  But the man is a Cavs fan, the woman has a Bulls shirt on, and instead of catching her, he throws her to the ground….  At the end, she cuddles up next to him with a new  Cavs shirt, an ice pack on her head. “Well, I’m all in now.”

 

And regarding that  video. I’m not P.C, and okay, a Dirty Dancing spoof could have been funny. Maybe if a Cavs fan just dropped a Bulls fan. But then to show a woman writing on the floor in pain, and with the ice pack?  Thinking the ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ goes less to the morons who filmed it, than to the executive(s) who signed off on showing the thing…..

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So Tom Brady’s agent now says that the Wells report “contains significant and tragic flaws” and “is a significant and terrible disappointment.” Well, for Patriots fans he’s right about that second part. ‪#‎didntwelearnanythingfromWatergate‬?

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And maybe Brady was telling the literal truth at least when he said “”I” didn’t alter the ball in any way,” ‪#‎Willnooneridmeofthistroublesomeair‬?”

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In the grand scheme of things, how important is the Tom Brady – Deflategate Story? Not that big of a deal. But really, as talented as the Patriots’ QB is.. It’s almost as if Jennifer Lopez was caught using butt-enhancers.

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So while rumors swirl about a possible ‪#‎TomBrady‬ suspension, what about Bill Belichick? ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ ‪#‎Ignoranceisnoexcuse‬ ‪#‎Saints‬ ‪#‎Patriots‬

 

A 23 year-old Michigan woman was arrested for DUI and resisting arrest. This after she was caught driving down a road going the wrong way, naked, after leaving her husband and young child, also both naked, at a rest stop. She says she doesn’t remember the night. So this is one of those traditional marriages we need to defend?

 

Defense Secretary Ash Carter, when asked if the Pentagon really is “planning to overtake Texas”, flatly replied, “no.” How tempting must it have been to add “But if they want to secede….”

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Kevin Love is out, Chris Paul is out, John Wall is out….. are we sure the Golden State Warriors don’t have a batch of voodoo dolls hidden somewhere?

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Everett Golson has announced he will transfer from Notre Dame to another school next year. While he listed several SEC schools as possibilities, the QB would need a waiver to go to any of them, because one conference criteria for transfers is “The student-athlete has not been subject to official university or athletics department disciplinary action at any time during enrollment at any previous collegiate institution.”

And Golson was suspended from Notre Dame in 2013 for “poor academic judgment”

In the SEC they’re asking “what’s poor academic judgment?”

 

 

 

From T.C.  “The Tampa Bay Bucs have added a clause in QB Jameis Winston’s contract the prohibits him from playing major league baseball. The Seahawks are considering rewriting Russell Wilson’s contract, who participated in spring training with The Texas Rangers. They don’t want Wilson to be throwing unnecessarily.”

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Let’s play two.

January 23, 2015

 

As a child, it was hard to imagine a baseball world without Ernie Banks in it. It still is. RIP Mr. Cub. Hope heaven has a special shiny gold trophy for you with all those little flags on it.

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And yeah, MLB Hall of Fame is one thing. But what greater tribute to a man, ‪#‎ErnieBanks‬ , ‪#‎MrCub‬, is that no one ever said a negative word about him.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Actual USAToday.com headline – “Supreme Court will rule on safety of lethal injections.”

 

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A Southern California TV station (KSBY) is reporting that former MLB pitcher Ted Lilly has been charged with 3 felony counts of insurance fraud for damaging his $200,000 RV and not filing a claim until he purchased insurance afterwards. But hey, the guy has to feed his family. Lilly only earned about $100 million in his career.

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Some wondered if there would be repercussions when airlines no longer required electronic devices to be turned off from the moment the door is closed. Alas, here’s one: the company behind the SkyMall catalog has declared Chapter 11. ‪#‎noneedtoread‬

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And how many people read the above and think “Ooh, Skymall close-out sale!”

 

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Of course it makes sense that Tom Brady, who likes his balls “a certain way” wouldn’t have noticed that the footballs were different last week. About as much sense as David Ortiz getting confused and using Dustin Pedroia’s bat by mistake.

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How quickly things change. And here many of us thought the NFL narrative all week would be about the end of the Packers Seahawks game.

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A Southern California TV station (KSBY) is reporting that former MLB pitcher Ted Lilly has been charged with 3 felony counts of insurance fraud for damaging his $200,000 RV and not filing a claim until he purchased insurance afterwards. But hey, the guy has to feed his family. Lilly only earned about $100 million in his career.

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Kobe Bryant, 36, may soon have season-ending surgery on his torn rotator cuff. But by doing the surgery now Bryant should be healthy enough to start and be injured again next season.

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Marshawn Lynch, unhappy about recent fines, especially one on a teammate, tweeted that he was ” embarrassed to work” for the NFL. Hmm. If he wants to be really embarrassed, Lynch could sign a free agent deal with the Jets.

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Three players were ejected after a fight where punches were thrown in the Alabama-Auburn women’s basketball game last night. And a whole lot of men just put the SEC women’s final on their watch calendar.

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Seems like a lot of the people screaming at Obama for not attending the free speech ‪#‎jesuisCharlie‬ rally in Paris sure have their knickers in a knot over various free speech comments about ‪#‎AmericanSniper‬

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And the gifts just keep on coming. Rick Santorum says he is thinking of running again for President in 2016. No word on when Santorum will decide whether or not to throw his vest into the ring.

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Measles was declared eradicated in 2000. Now, thanks to the anti-vaccine movement, the CDC says that last year doctors in the U.S. diagnosed 644 cases of measles. And some wonder how anti-science politicians get elected….

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In San Francisco today, Jeb Bush acknowledged he is “seriously” considering a run for President. And Hillary Clinton “seriously” congratulated Jeb for saying it with a straight face.

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Not enough hot air?

January 22, 2015

The “deflate-gate” story is getting more and more media coverage. If this keeps up, God may not be rooting for the Seahawks, but Roger Goodell and the NFL sure will.

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Andrew Luck, asked about losing the AFC Championship game. “You do feel deflated.” Now Andrew is a nice young man and apparently felt embarrassed when he realized what he said. But Luck does have a free pass on the bus to hell if he wants one.

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So deflated footballs are easier for quarterbacks to handle? Maybe this explains why Jerry Jones wanted Chris Christie as a lucky charm at Dallas games…. he just wanted the NJ Governor to sit on the team’s balls.

 

As if most Americans weren’t already sad to see Seattle instead of Green Bay in the Super Bowl, here’s Aaron Rodgers, when asked if losing a game like last week’s shakes his faith: “I don’t think God cares a whole lot about the outcome. He cares about the people involved, but I don’t think he’s a big football fan.”

(besides, we all know, God prefers baseball.)

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Even casual football fans now know that the amount of air in a ball makes a difference. One of the few deflating offenders caught in the past? USC , who was fined $25,000, under then coach Lane Kiffin in 2012.  Yep, the same Kiffin who is now under consideration to be the 49ers offensive coordinator.  So the circus may really be coming to San Francisco.

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A new study has found that people of drink four or more cups of coffee a day have a 20 percent less chance of getting malignant melanoma skin cancer. Maybe due to the antioxidants. Or maybe due to the fact that anyone drinking that much coffee won’t be able to sit still in the sun for long.

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Now Joe Biden says he might run for President in 2016. Seems reasonable. Why should late-night talk show hosts just have fun with the GOP side?

 

Chelsea Clinton, talking about her baby girl – “I read her the world news every morning.” Well, of course, how else will Charlotte be prepared in 2060 to run for President?

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Former NY Jets QB coach David Lee said that Geno Smith’s inconsistency “is what killed us.” Right, because the Jets did so much better with Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow.

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A password management company has found that Americans have wised up and that “password” is no longer the most commonly used password in the U.S. It has, however, been replaced by “123456.” Maybe such users should consider another six character password – “Darwin.”

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PGA golfer Robert Allenby said he was kidnapped, beaten and robbed in Honolulu. But now witnesses say they just saw him passed out drunk on a sidewalk. Even Tiger Woods is thinking, “Dude, you couldn’t come up with a better story?”

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Why there is no satire. Thanks to my friend Laura for this line from the AP, note, not the Onion, the AP: “ORLANDO, Florida — A trial to determine whether U.S. Rep. Alan Grayson’s wife committed bigamy when she wed the congressman has been delayed because she required emergency surgery to remove breast implants.”

 

 

From T.C.  Mah husband cannot throw the f***ing ball and blow it up too – Gisele Bundchen

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