Posted tagged ‘CNN jokes’

Rolling over

January 11, 2017

Cavaliers put up as much a fight against Trailblazers tonight as media did today against President-Elect in Trump Press Conference.

So apparently the Chargers are planning to move to Los Angeles. Sad for San Diego. But LA’s best chance for serious post-season football will still be the USC Trojans.

 

 

#LAChargers haven’t even started playing yet and already on their way to giving #Cowboys run for their money as America’s most hated team.

Just before last year’s Fiesta Bowl, Ezekiel Elliott was cited for three misdemeanor traffic charges in Ohio including driving with a suspended license after his car hit another vehicle, resulting in minor injuries to one passenger. This after several speeding tickets. And today no one was injured after he apparently ran into another car near Dallas.
Thinking just maybe the Cowboys might want to invest in a car and driver?

Former SF Giants closer Santiago Casilla is apparently nearing a deal with the Oakland As. Good for him. At least he won’t have to deal with any postseason pressure.

Taco Bell this month is rolling out their fried chicken taco nationwide – the taco shell is made out of fried chicken, then it’s filled with lettuce, tomatoes, cheddar cheese and avocado ranch sauce.
So for all those fearing the end of the world, here’s one more option to decrease your chances of being around to see it.

Donald Trump on Twitter  today “Russia has never tried to use leverage over me. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA – NO DEALS, NO LOANS, NO NOTHING!”

He’s going to break his keyboard hitting the “CapsLock” so hard:

Hell is freezing over: “Though we at Fox News cannot confirm CNN’s report, it is our observation that its correspondents followed journalistic standards Neither they, nor any other journalists, should be subjected to belittling and delegitimizing by the president-elect of the United States.”
Standing up for journalists in general? Or are the folks at Fox just worried that they will be the next as seen to be too liberal for Trump?

Unreal. From the sooner to be Tweeter-in-Chief : “Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to “leak” into the public. One last shot at me.Are we living in Nazi Germany?
Right, because the worst thing about living Nazi Germany was being accused of cavorting with prostitutes. Not to mention that he is complaining about a story involving showers.
Even the bus to hell breaks down on this one.

Would be truly Machiavellian to come up and leak an over-the-top faked story that could be easily disproved, and use that as an excuse to discredit ALL the rest of the bad stories, many of which are actually true. But can’t imagine that a President and his team would stoop so low…… #goldenshowers #sarcasm

A BBC correspondent now says there are “multiple intelligence sources” alleging Russia has potentially embarrassing or compromising material on Trump.
Standby for tweets comparing the “over-rated” BBC to Buzzfeed in 3.2.1…..

 

That moment when you realize #MarcoRubio is now the conscience of the GOP?!!

He’s comedy gold every day, but I’d rather be struggling to write pantsuits jokes. #TrumpPressConference

Smoke and mirrors?

May 13, 2015

A new Johns Hopkins University of Medicine study found that new stronger strains of marijuana could cause people exposed to second-hand smoke to test positive for pot drug in a urine analysis. Was this study sponsored by the NFL Players Association?

 

Corey Kluber, 113 pitches, 8 inning one-hit shutout, 18 strikeouts! And Indians took him out of game. ‪#‎oldschoolpitchersareweeping‬

But hey, it’s about pitch counts now. And we all know pitch counts make a big difference in pitchers’ health, because so few young players are getting injured these days and/or needing surgery…. Oops, never mind.

 

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in support of Roger Goodell and his Deflategate decision: “I think he’s doing a great job, and I’m a big supporter of his. … I know one of his best qualities is fairness.” Translation. Either Romo likes hard footballs, or Jones knows he handles his balls himself.

Former FSU coach Bobby Bowden, 85, on Jameis Winston “I think it’s a consensus amongst Florida State fans and boosters that he was an embarrassment in a lot of ways to the university.” Sigh, Bowden was a great coach. But memory is one of the first things to go. ‪#‎FreeShoesUniversity‬

A couple who was convicted of “lewd and lascivious exhibition” for having sex on a crowded beach with children around not only faces jail time, they must register as sex offenders. Right, because their display was almost as bad as what many American children see every night on television?

The Arizona attorney general’s office has filed charges against a woman who in 2010 faked having cancer to get an abortion. Agree that it was wrong. But imagine what kind of mother she would have made.

Searchers looking for Malaysia Airlines flight 370 in the Indiana Ocean have discovered a 19th century shipwreck. Stand by for the CNN special talking about if it’s a cruise ship.

A small detail that got lost in last night’s SF Giants 8-1 win over the Astros. Nori Aoki was originally called safe at first, but the call was overturned quickly after a video review. The first base umpire? Jim Joyce. ‪#‎Fiveyearstoolate‬ ‪#‎ArmandoGalarraga‬

 

 

In Wisconsin, the state assembly passed bills mandating drug tests for welfare recipients, and requiring that monthly stipends be used for healthy foods. Okay, fine, can we also drug test Wisconsin assembly members, and require them to use their $88 a DAY living expenses on healthy food too?

So American Idol has been cancelled in part because of what some call WGWG (“White guys with guitars) syndrome. Where the winners are cute WGWG’s who may win votes from mostly young female viewers, but never amount to anything. And what do they do for their penultimate final? Send the girl rocker home in favor of two WGWGs

 

 

 

Why people who aren’t in the travel industry shouldn’t write travel articles: A SF Chronicle story from Business Insider on the “best Hawaiian islands for every type of traveler” says “Best for honeymooners – Lanai” – …” “a perfect destination for honeymooners who are seeking privacy and seclusion. Since the island’s two Four Seasons Resorts are currently closed to the public for renovations, visitors can enjoy more seclusion and fewer tourists.

Uh, yes, since the ONLY two major hotels on the island are closed, and the ONLY hotel open is the funky Hotel Lanai with 11 rooms, there’s plenty of seclusion…..

Bowling along.

December 28, 2014

When it comes to sports, in many ways hate has it all over love. Because the teams you love can suck, but there’s still always plenty of opportunity to root against the teams you hate.  (especially during Bowl season.)

As of very late Saturday night on the West Coast,  an AirAsia jet is missing on its way from Surabaya, Indonesia to Singapore, and an Italian ferry with over 400 people on board is on fire in the Adriatic sea. Potential tragedies in both cases, but for CNN, this is hitting the daily double.

 

Michigan governor Rick Snyder has signed a “suspicion-based” drug testing bill for welfare recipients. Hmm, can we expand this to elected officials and candidates? Because some of them sure act like they’re on drugs.

Chicago’s Starlin Castro was questioned by Dominican Republic police in connection with a shooting at a nightclub this morning, after the Cubs shortstop was questioned earlier this month for ANOTHER nightclub shooting. Who does Castro think he is, an NFL player?

The NFL fined Marshawn Lynch $11,500 for an obscene gesture during last Sunday’s game. Wonder how much they’ll fine the ‪#‎NYJets‬ for their obscene performance all season?

Anyone but me thinking that ‪#‎Marchmadness‬ pools are going to be rather forgone conclusions this year? ‪#‎raceforsecond‬ ‪#‎Kentucky‬

Jim Harbaugh is expected to sign on as the coach at Michigan. So time to start two pools. 1. How long until the Wolverines win a Rose Bowl? 2. What percentage of Harbaugh’s contract will he last in Ann Arbor?

So now we are likely to have Jim Harbaugh at Michigan vs. Urban Meyer at OSU Stand by for ‪#‎Whatsyourdeal‬ – the sequel.

A new study found that marijuana use has increased in Colorado. Did the survey also find that water is wet?

According to ESPN Rex Ryan “expects to be” fired by the Jets. Shouldn’t the correct verb be “hopes to be?”

The Browns suspended WR Josh Gordon for Sunday’s season finale. Thereby increasing the odds that no one outside of Cleveland will be able to name a single active player on the team.

 

Johnny Manziel, who is on IR, had to either be present for the Browns’ workout Saturday or be getting treatment. But he was AWOL. And later in the day, Cleveland gave the QB his first fine. So congrats to all who had Dec 27 in the pool.

North Korea, angry over “The Interview,” now referred to President Obama. Is the country trying to curry favor with Fox News?

 

The Selig era is almost basically over.

July 19, 2014

Bud Selig is actually supposed to retire in six months. He and baseball owners want former MLB deputy commissioner Steve Greenberg to be his replacement. But Greenberg says he doesn’t want the job, though he would be honored to follow Selig, who he calls “easily baseball’s greatest commissioner since Judge Landis.” Well, wishes aside, shouldn’t that statement disqualify Greenberg by reason of insanity?

Only 30% of Los Angeles area residents can see Dodgers games on TV due to a cable dispute. And David Rone, president of Time Warner Cable Sports, which distributes the games, says “It is unlikely that we are going to get a deal done. Suffering Midwest fans are thinking “why couldn’t this happen with the Cubs?”

 

Anyone else think Vladimir Putin is more likely to officiate at a gay wedding than he is to determine that MH17 was shot down by pro Russian-separatists?

 

 

The Federal Government has charged FedEx with drug trafficking for delivering illegal prescription drugs, allegedly for over a decade. What took the Government this long? Maybe they figured FedEx is taking profitable business from the post office?

 

 

Lebron James announced his return to Cleveland last week, but still hasn’t chosen if he will wear #6 or #23. How long until ESPN dedicates a special edition of Sports Center to the decision?

 

For all those who think the SFGiants have a problem at 2nd base, it could be worse. Dan Uggla, released by the Atlanta Braves, hit .162 with 2 home runs and is still owed over $18 million.

Red Sox GM Ben Cherington says the last-place team is not giving up on 2014 yet. And even Cubs fans are thinking “I want some of what you’re smoking.”

CNN had Michele Bachmann commented that Hillary Clinton “should be worried” about Elizabeth Warren in 2016. Michele Bachmann as a political prognosticator? Well, maybe since Paul the Octopus is no longer with us.

 

From Jim Barach ”  Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began in 1877. Which means at least there is something in L.A. with a longer dry spell than the one that takes the Dodgers back to 1988.”

 

A Supreme Court injunction means that Utah has won at least a temporary delay in recognizing same-sex marriages. Guess the state figures if a man isn’t happy marrying a woman, he should just marry more women.

 

 

In Los Angeles, a man robbing a liquor store apparently accidentally shot and killed his accomplice. So sometimes the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is another bad guy with a gun.

 

The NY Yankees announced there will be  a Derek Jeter retirement ceremony on Sept 7. #FarewellCaptain Except that I thought the whole 2014 season was a Jeter retirement ceremony.

 

And finally.   Aldon Smith,  after a D.A. decided not to press charges for alleged LAX bomb threats, was sentenced Friday for possessing illegal fire arms. Along with a separate case of DUI and marijuana possession after driving and hitting a tree.

Smith got 3 years of probation, and 12 days of work crew on Mondays. Which will end before the 49ers first Monday night game.

So let this be a lesson to the youth of America. Behave yourselves. Unless you are SURE you have NFL level talent.

 

A bush league of his own?

May 27, 2014

The Cubs have given Manny Ramirez a job with their Iowa affiliate. Well, okay this might be bad. But it’s the Chicago Cubs. Not like Manny has a chance to associate with a major league team.

At a British music festival, Macaulay Kulkin’s band the “Pizza Underground” was booed off the stage and pelted with beer. Maybe his band needs to play a gig at Yankee Stadium. Where beer is far to expensive to throw at anyone.

Alex Schubert says they “should have a gig at Wrigley Field..  Where the thrown beer will miss the band by 20 feet.”

The median pay for a CEO of a public company in the US is now over $10 million a year. Yep, I can see why we can’t afford to raise the minimum wage.

Dodgers catcher A.J. Ellis, who was hitting .170, is on the DL after spraining his ankle celebrating Josh Beckett’s no-hitter. Which means Ellis will be contributing about as much for the next two weeks as he has for the last two.

One game after Josh Beckett’s no-hitter, the Dodgers” Hyun-Jin Ryu took a perfect game into the 8th. He left after allowing a double and two singles. But the final score ended up 4-3. What happened? Brian Wilson in the 8th. Giants fans are thinking “Now it’s LA’s turn to enjoy the torture.”

Malaysian authorities published a 47-page document with raw data from communications between satellites and MH370. Will it help find the plane? Quite possibly not. But it will keep CNN busy for at least a week.

Texas Congressman Ralph Hall, 91, is running for re-election. Saying he wants to fix Obamacare. Although a bit disingenuous for a man who’s been eligible for Medicare for over a quarter century.

The new U.S. men’s national soccer team will debut at Candlestick Park in an exhibition against Azerbaijan tonight. Many Americans are thinking one of two questions – “We haven’t already torn down Candlestick Park?” And “We have a new national men’s soccer team?

Li Na, the #2 women’s tennis player in the world, was upset in the first round of the French Open. And most Americans responded “Who?”

 

Follow the money

May 19, 2014

The NY Racing Association stewards today unanimously approved equine nasal strips. Which means California Chrome can wear one during the Belmont. Translation, “we want people to watch the race.”

 

Disney is hiking prices for its one-day “Parkhopper” pass to both Disneyland and California Adventure Park over 10% to $150. For that amount of money people who want to see a high-priced Mickey Mouse organization can buy Lakers tickets

 

Gender equality “crooks are stupid” moment. Danielle Shea, 22, had dropped out of Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. But she hadn’t told her parents, who were still sending money for tuition. So, as she admitted to police, she made bomb threats before the graduation ceremony so her parents wouldn’t find out. (Police caught Ms. Shea because she made the threats from her own phone.)

 

Kudos to Brandon Marshall, who signed his 3 year, $31 million contract extension with the Chicago Bears today on “The View.” Marshall, who has said he has a Borderline Personality Disorder, also said he would donate $1 million to mental health services. Nice move, and guessing Bears fans who might have a problem with it weren’t likely to be watching “The View” anyway.

A European cruise ship, the Saga Sapphire, was temporarily stranded off the coast of Scotland when a fire caused the vessel to lose power. But the crew was able to quickly contain the blaze and restore power so the Sapphire will return to port and its regular schedule as normal. The passengers were relieved. CNN is disappointed.

At Austin Peay State, in Tennessee, a giant 40 foot sinkhole has opened up in one end zone. And the Washington Redskins are thinking “Hmm, potentially one way to keep opposing offenses from scoring?”

About 1.8 million pounds of ground beef in the U.S. is being recalled for possible E. coli contamination. Which means Taco Bell customers are safe as they never use any actual beef anyway.

All of this speculation over who will and will not run for President in 2016, even though the primaries are almost two years away…. The process is becoming almost as over-hyped as the NFL draft.

 

The FAA is apparently investigating an April incident where a United Airlines flight from SFO landing at Newark apparently came within 400 feet of an ExpressJet United Express flight taking off. See, there are potentially worse things that can happen than just ending up in New Jersey.

So the problem a lot of people have with the San Antonio Spurs is that they are “boring?” Meaning they play team basketball without a lot of showboating and their stars generally stay on the sports page instead of the front page? And the NBA wonders sometimes why they have an image problem.

Researchers at the University of Sydney examined seven sets of data involving more than 1.25 million children and concluded that there was NO evidence to support a relationship between common vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus and whooping cough and the development of autism. Which will convince exactly no one who believes otherwise because it involves commie-pinko science and numbers.

Lance Armstrong apparently tweeted a picture while he was playing “Cards Against Humanity,” and got the card saying “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.” But the real question, which card did Lance use to answer?

Lost and Found.

May 14, 2014

An underwater explorer believes he has found and identified the wreck of Christopher Columbus’ flagship, the Santa Maria. And CNN responded “How are you on planes?”

 

The Los Angeles Clippers played that last minute of their playoff game like they just want to go home and stop dealing with basketball. Can’t imagine why.

Donald Sterling’s most recent interview talking about Magic Johnson is a perfect paraphrase for an old adage. Better to be thought an ignorant a**hole, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

The #Pacers are playing some of these NBA playoff games like a team with nonrefundable vacation plans for Memorial Day weekend. #Wizards

 

The widow of the driver in the crash that killed Paul Walker is suing Porsche. Guess she thinks they should have built something into the car to keep it from going 94 MPH on city streets?

Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg and Mets 1b Lucas Duda said they think a hamburger from Shake Shack at Citi Field gave them food poisoning this weekend. Is that going to be the Yankees’ excuse?.

 

Justin Bieber now being investigated for attempted robbery? So is it robbery when you sell CD’s and downloads that are allegedly music?

A thought about some of these people who were uncomfortable with Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Have to wonder if there would have been the same reaction had say, a very attractive WNBA draftee kissed her equally attractive girlfriend?

Rutgers dismissed incoming QB Philip Nelson, who has been charged with assault for allegedly critically injuring another man by kicking him in the head. Wonder how good a QB Nelson is, which might determine how quickly some other team will call him a “troubled young man” and give him another chance

The latest rumor on Stan Van Gundy is that he may take the Pistons job, and that he will get a fair amount of operations and personnel control. The most disappointed people? Comedy writers who were hoping he’d sign on with the Golden State Warriors and Joe Lacob with that expectation.

Fox News reports that a UCLA professor is alleging racial bias in admissions in favor of African-Americans. The current enrollment at the university is 1,082 African-American/Black, or 3.8% of the total. Counting athletes. If admissions is really trying to be biased they’re not doing much of a job.

 

Fortunately, there were no injuries Tuesday at the Seattle Airport when passengers were deplaning a Southwest flight and a jet bridge dropped several feet. United would have charged them a “thrill ride” fee.

Teddy Bridgewater, who seems like a nice young man, is now saying he didn’t want to be drafted by the Browns. What’s the point of that statement? Just gives another team a reason to try to pound you into the ground. At least the Vikings don’t play Cleveland this year.

Alec Baldwin was cited for riding his bike the wrong way on a New York City street, and then arrested when he allegedly became belligerent and abusive with the police. Then he ranted “How old are these officers? They don’t even know who I am.” Guessing the cops knew EXACTLY who Baldwin was…and that might have been why they arrested him when he played the DYKWIA card

At #ATTPark workers wear gloves to make giant hot fudge ice cream sundaes. Because the #SFGiants would hate for those sundaes to be unhealthy for you?

Mike Minor comes into game with 6.75 era. So of course #SFGiants can’t hit him. #turningbadpitchersintoCyYoung.

Time passages.

May 8, 2014

NBC announced Wednesday morning they have extended their Olympics TV deal through 2032. What? They didn’t tape the announcement and show it in prime time?

 

Caleb Johnson on American Idol Wednesday did a great job on “Maybe I’m Amazed.” And wonder how many younger viewers are thinking “Cool. Isn’t that a hit from the guy who used to be with Wings?”

Charlie Crist said he left the GOP because it is now seen as “anti-women, anti-minority, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment,” and because leadership “went off a cliff.” Crist better watch it, he might be making way too much sense to be elected in Florida.

 

CNN is reporting that Sarah Palin says Hillary Clinton will likely reconsider her position on abortion rights now that her daughter is pregnant. And many Americans seeing another Sarah Palin story are thinking, “Can’t you go back to coverage of MH370?”

Bizarre factoid of the day. Most Americans probably don’t know the Prime Minister of Canada. But they know the Mayor of Toronto.

Johnny Manziel is saying that teams who pass on him in the draft will regret it. Even Richard Sherman is saying, “Dude, less is more.”

Target’s interim CEO John Mulligan “Our guests can shop with confidence at Target.” Wonder if he added under his breath “If they pay cash.”

Venture capitalist Tim Draper “When you work for your government, when your government forces you to do something, it’s slavery. We need to take it back.” Right, because if he didn’t live in California, instead of ending up a billionaire, Tim feels he might be a trillionaire by now?

 

Male whine of the day. .MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough,”This is not about Bill Clinton This is about the women who were eviscerating Monica Lewinsky, who for 18 years was quiet and, by the way, lived a life of shame and her entire existence reduced to a punchline,” Well, no one is claiming Bill is a saint. But it’s wrong to say that a 22 year old woman was capable of making her own bad choices?

Tim Lincecum is doing a great job of pitching to contact. Unfortunately the contact he is pitching to is the wall.  #SFGiants.

Hillary Clinton, when asked today if she is running for President in 2016. “I am somebody who really has to mull things over. Stay tuned. When I know, you’ll know.” Even Brett Favre is thinking “Jeez, lady, make up your mind.”

A dinosaur threw out the first pitch at today’s Padres game. Saw that headline and thought “But Jamie Moyer didn’t even play for San Diego.”

 

Stay classy. Former Dodgers’ manager Tommy Lasorda, a friend of Donald Sterling, said of V. Stiviano “I don’t wish that girl any bad luck, but I hope she gets hit with a car.” Hate to hear what Tommy hoped about any of the SF Giants when they won the World Series in recent years.

Be careful what you wish for?

April 13, 2014

Got to figure someone in the SF 49ers’ organization wished yesterday for some news to take the focus off of QB Colin Kaepernick’s involvement in a police investigation in Miami.

 

SF 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX today, apparently because he got angry with a TSA agent and indicated he was in possession of a bomb. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “You just can’t put a positive spin on stupid.”

 

Local television status on the 49ers’ Aldon Smith’s latest arrest “a troubling pattern of behavior.” Uh, I think Smith passed “troubling pattern” at least an arrest ago.

Well, Boston manager John Farrell has become the answer to a future trivia question – the first MLB ejection that resulted from arguing about a replay ruling. Are we shocked that it was about a call that went in favor of the Yankees?

 

OSU’s quarterback Braxton Miller insulted Michigan’s SPRING GAME attendance on Twitter. This after the Buckeyes’ attendance was 61,000 compared to the Wolverines’ 15,000 for essentially an intrasquad scrimmage. Penn State, meanwhile drew 72,000. Proving mostly perhaps not only is there less to do on the weekend in Columbus than Ann Arbor, there is really nothing going on in Happy Valley, PA.

Heisman winner Jameis Winston is playing baseball at FSU, serves as the team’s closer, and has a 1.76 ERA. And across the ACC and SEC, other football teams are thinking “Hey, you could have a great career in MLB, why risk it on the gridiron?”

Bad news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. Good news for Knicks fans. The team has been eliminated from playoff contention. 

A judge has ruled Chris Christie and other defendants will get more time to file their responses to two lawsuits related to the September lane closures at the George Washington Bridge. The NY Governor is hoping that extension lasts until December 2016.

Donald Trump said in a speech to a Conservative group that politicians are “all bullsh*t, all talk.” Was the Donald trying to convince them that he’s a real politician?

 

Florida’s Miami-Dade County has a new policy to close ALL restrooms at polling places on election day. Supposedly “in order to ensure that individuals with disabilities are not treated unfairly and “to avoid situations where accessible restrooms would be available to some, but not all voters.” Maybe it’s time for the Democrats to show up with Porta-Potties with Governor Rick Scott’s picture on them.

Today’s CNN breaking news report is that the MH370 pingers, thought to be dying, are “Most Likely Dead.” Stand by for a Generalissimo Francisco Franco reference on next week’s SNL.

Mike Huckabee, complaining about TSA. “My gosh, I’m beginning to think that there’s more freedom in North Korea sometimes than there is in the United States. When I go to the airport, I have to get into the surrender position, people put hands all over me, and I have to provide photo ID in a couple of different forms to prove that I’m not going to terrorize the airplane.” Even Dennis Rodman is thinking “Dude is crazy.”

(and as Jim Barach adds.  Yeah, Huckabee thinks you should only be treated that way when you go to vote.)

A Florida woman is recovering after she was reportedly dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food. Insert “armed bears” and “standing her ground” jokes here:

Can you hear me now?

April 7, 2014

So in the cellphone – wifi  -texting era, can someone explain to me why the “call to the bullpen” still takes place with a landline?

We’ll find out Monday night if Kentucky can win their 9th NCAA men’s basketball championship. And presumably we’ll know sometime in the next year if coach John Calipari will have his third Final Four season vacated.

 

Newt Gingrich, praising the Supreme Court’s lifting of donation limits, said today that even more deregulation is necessary to “overnight, equalize the middle class and the rich.” Right. Of course, Gingrich thinks he himself is just a middle class millionaire.

Johnny Manziel’s next pre-draft visit will be to the Raiders. With all the ways the young man is setting himself up for a fall, would any of them be more damaging in the end than being a first round pick in Oakland?

 

R.I.P Mickey Rooney, age 93. A long and impressive life, lived mostly in the public eye. And to the younger generation, no, he wasn’t that old guy your parents watched on 60 Minutes.

The latest on CNN “Did plane dodge Indonesian radar?” Folks at the network just have to be hoping that if and when they find MH370, some cruise ship goes adrift again to give them something to cover.

Is it just me or is Facebook’s news feed getting skinnier than a super model?

While the Knicks made it close for a while, they lost to the Heat 102-91. Ah, the potential heartbreak if this valiant 33-45 team just misses the NBA playoffs…

 

A charity hockey game was suspended Sunday in NY when players from the NYPD and the FDNY got into a bench-clearing brawl with one another. The real bummer, had the event been marketed as a brawl, attendance (and charity $$ would have probably doubled.

At LA’s Staples Center tonight, the Clippers beat the Lakers 120-97, for their third win in four meetings this season. Wow. So how’d the Lakers manage to win that one game?

College, we hardly knew ye

April 6, 2014

Anyone but me having problems with Kentucky players talking about how they really came together as a team during this intense four month bonding process?

 

Heck, there are celebrity mistake marriages that stay together longer than this Wildcats “team.”-

Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari says he wants to replace “one and done” with “Succeed and Proceed.” Really? “Succeed and Proceed?” Some of his “one and dones” can’t even spell it.

Maybe Calipari would do better to refer to his freshmen leaving for the NBA as a “conscious uncoupling?”

It’s a dated joke but someone had to do it. The March Madness semi-final  Wisconsin Kentucky game hads more runs than a cheap pair of pantyhose.

(younger readers seeing “pantyhose,” it’s okay, you can Google it.)

All these references to “North Texas.” Maybe it’s because those sitting in the upper levels of Cowboys stadium feel like they’re watching from the North Pole?

Postgame chat with UConn’s star guard ends with “Shabazz Napier has helped his team get to a better place.” Because of course it’s the “Get to a better place, State Farm” sponsored interview. Can’t imagine, again, how these kids get the idea it’s all about money.

 

So with senior laden #Florida and #Wisconsin teams both losing #NCAA basketball’s status as 1 year NBA D-League is cemented.

No alleged recruiting or other violations yet but John Calipari could be going for the permanent world record of vacated Final Four appearances.

 

Yasiel Puig was in the Dodgers lineup Saturday, having made it to the park on time. I see a great potential endorsement deal ahead with Uber.

 

The NBA has suspended Bucks center Larry Sanders, who is an advocate for marijuana legalization, five games for using pot. Wonder what Sanders can do with all that free time?

The driver who put a Chicago subway train up an escalator at O’Hare airport has been fired. Well, this will simplify the answer to “Why did you leave your last job?”

 

The Chinese say they have again detected a pulse in the search for MH 370. Well, that’s more than most folks do on an average day with Larry King.

Isn’t it time that CNN replace the “Breaking News. The search for Flight 370” banner, with “The Latest Speculation. The search for 370”?

 

 

From my friend Jim Barach.  “180,000 eggs were stolen from a truck in Florida. Police are now posting armed guards around the clock at the home of the Miami officer who recently arrested Justin Bieber.”

Opening day, and night, and twilight….

March 30, 2014

So the Dodgers have already played 2 regular season games in Australia, and now got the ESPN Opening Sunday night game? What, did the Yankees turn MLB down?

 

So Brian Wilson came in with a 1-0 lead in the 8th, and gave up 3 runs in a 3-1 Dodgers loss to the San Diego Padres. Welcome to Torture, Los Angeles.

In an article to be published in “Management Science,” researchers found that umpires were 16% more likely to call a ball a strike for a five-time All Star than for a pitcher who had never been in the All-Star game. And the the bias “was even stronger when the pitcher had a reputation for precise control” (like Greg Maddux.) Baseball fans are looking for the accompanying article saying water is wet.

 

Jeopardy is turning 50 this week. What is “What is that question I can’t remember” for $600. Alex?

That profanity-accompanied sound you heard at #ESPN and in the #WhiteHouse is a lot of shredding brackets.#UConn #MarchMadness

 

So wonder how long it will take FOX to claim that President Obama’s picking MSU to win it all was the reason the Spartans lost in the Elite Eight?

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill, 19, has been suspended indefinitely following his arrest for public intoxication. Maybe when Aggie fans told Hill he could be the next Johnny Football, they should have been more specific.

There were riots last night in Tucson after the University of Arizona’s men’s basketball team lost in the Elite 8. Scary to imagine what would have happened if the Wildcats had actually won it all.

 

The GOP is claiming that the last minute rush to meet the Obamacare deadline March 31 is a sign of the weakness of the legislation. Of course had it been President Romney in charge the Republican narrative would have been about setting limits to motivate people.

In Washington, a sign of the apocalypse? “Wizards can clinch playoff spot tonight. #IblameObama

 

Cal basketball coach Mike Montgomery may be retiring. Wonder if Stanford’s trip to the Sweet 16 scuttled any hopes he might have had of returning to coach the Cardinal next year?

 

 

So it begins, Chris Christie has apologized to Sheldon Adelson for a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition in which he recalled an Israel trip where he took “a helicopter ride from the occupied territories….”

 

Now the CNN headline is “Most Promising Leads” detected for MH370. Whether or not they find the plane, someone at the network can write a book someday. “1,000 ways to say nothing.”

Priorities.

April 21, 2013

So Big Papi dropped an f-bomb during pregame ceremonies at Fenway Park today. (This is our f**king city.) And many of the same media that bleeped it out had no problem showing countless bloody pictures of the Boston Marathon bombing scene. #Priorities.

Now that one Boston bombing suspect is dead and the other in custody, CNN can go back to their regular programming. Quick, is there a cruise ship adrift somewhere?

Tonight #Bucks vs. #Heat in #NBA playoffs. For all those who miss the drama of Christians vs. Lions.

Denver police were worried about crowd control at the country’s largest 4/20 outdoor pot smoking celebration. On the other hand, if anyone had bad intentions, a few minutes out in that crowd (and cloud) and it would have been “Uh, wait, why am I here? Nice party though…”

Tim Lincecum, 6 2/3 shutout innings and a win on 4/20 – National Marijuana Day. Coincidence?

A Long Island NY woman was arrested and charged with encouraging her teenagers to shoot the windows out of parked cars with a BB gun while she drove. Not sure about the possible sentence, but maybe the NRA will applaud her for a creative family bonding exercise?

Two friends of the alleged Boston bomber were arrested today. Apparently they have a black BMW with a novelty license plate reading “Terrorista #1” Even if they’re not guilty of anything related to the bombing, that plate should be enough to charge them with felony stupidity.

As awful as Boston was, can we briefly turn our attention to West, Texas, where at least 14 died and hundreds were injured. And Reuters reports that the fertilizer plant which exploded didn’t tell DHS it was storing 1,350 times the amount of ammonium nitrate allowable without mandatory safety checks. It’s only too much govt. regulation until something blows up….

As America returns to semi-normal, maybe we could work on our geography? Apparently a number of people on twitter were posting about suspects from Czech Republic.

Finally, –Sweet Caroline at A T and T. SF Giants fans get it. #Bostonstrong