Posted tagged ‘NBA playoff jokes’

Playoffs, eh?

May 14, 2016

So the Air Canada Centre in Toronto is hosting an NBA  playoff game 7 on Sunday. And  Maple Leafs fans are going “What’s a game 7?”

(one of myCanadian friends says they are asking “what’s a playoff?)

The losers of the Ohio State spring football game were penalized by having to shovel mulch.  Of course, if Urban Meyer really wants to motivate players, he could make the losers go to class.

Well, if you believe in redemption, here’s your potential made-for-TV sports movie story of the day. Matt Bush was the #1 MLB draft pick in 2004, and went off the rails big time. Drunken fights, accusations of assault, and finally 3 years in jail prison a DUI causing serious injury. He was released last December. And today the Texas Rangers have called him up to the big leagues. Who knows, maybe there’s hope for Johnny Manziel.


A New York celebrity vegan chef who ran a restaurant called Pure Food and Wine has been arrested in Tennessee after a months’ long chase after she allegedly didn’t pay wages, and cheated on taxes etc. The best part of this, she and her husband were caught after they ordered a Domino’s pizza.

SF Giants’ closer Santiago Casilla, upset when manager Bruce Bochy pulled him in the 9th with two outs, and a 4-2 lead, after he had loaded the bases, the last on a 4 pitch walk, and was facing a batter who hit a home run against him last time. “It’s my opportunity to find out who’s who…. You have to let me try to see if I can get him out.”
Uh, or maybe you have to let Bochy try to see if the Giants could win the game?


(although curiously enough three things happened Friday.  1. Casilla apologized.  2. Bochy gave him another chance. 3. He struck out both batters.)


If it’s all about keeping children safe from potential predators, waiting for someone to demand that priests be kept out of men’s rooms.

Donald Trump to a reporter who asked about his tax returns: “It’s none of your business, you’ll see it when I release.”
Ah yes, only the little people answer questions about their taxes.

Apparently a man offering “free hugs” in Times Square slugged a Canadian woman in the face after she refused to tip him. Well, or maybe that’s his idea of a New York hug.


Jose Reyes was suspended 51 days over his domestic violence arrest. Imagine if he had done something really serious, like buying an over-the-counter supplement in the Dominican Republic.

High or cry time?

April 17, 2016

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf signed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. Does being sick of watching the Phillies lose count?

Charlotte’s loss today to Miami extended their postseason losing streak to 11 games, third longest in NBA history. Almost a shame the Hornets couldn’t have a first round matchup with the Raptors. ‪#‎somethingsgottogive‬


Vince Carter had a good game for ‪#‎Grizzlies‬. For 2016-7 maybe he’s old enough to sign a free agent contract with the  ‪#‎Spurs‬?

Two Syracuse football players are recovering with non life-threatening injuries after they were allegedly stabbed by a former teammate. ‪#‎ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

Pablo Sandoval is flying to Alabama for a 2nd opinion on his injured shoulder from Dr. James Andrews. Either that or the trip is for the pulled pork and pecan pie.

#‎LukeWalton‬ has apparently turned down head coaching job with ‪#‎Knicks‬. Guess he’s holding out for an offer from an ‪#‎NBA‬ professional team

McDonald’s is opening a new restaurant in Missouri that will feature “all-you-can-eat” French Fries. So Missouri can now be the “Show Me How Fat We Can Get” state?

The Treasury has announced Andrew Jackson will be replaced on the $20 bill by an unnamed woman. But Alexander Hamilton is staying on the $10. It’s about time for a woman on our currency. But poor Jackson, had they only written an “Old Hickory” hit Broadway musical….

While some voters on both sides scream about free trade, a new Associated Press-GfK poll.poll shows that while Americans say they would like to buy things made in the US, 67% of them would buy the exact same thing made overseas if it were less expensive….

A Nashville mom and her friend are facing charges after they left her 13-month-old daughter in a hot car while auditioning at a strip club. Apparently the friend was supposed to be watching the girl but went inside to watch the audition. The child is okay, and yes, it could have been a horrible story. But wonder how many people who are condemning the mom are both pro-life and against subsidized child care?

Donald Trump on a possible contested GOP convention: “I hope it doesn’t involve violence. I hope it doesn’t. I’m not suggesting that.”
Why doesn’t Trump just say “It’s a nice little convention you’ve got planned. It would be a shame if something happened to it.

Some angry voters are threatening to sue over New York’s closed primary, which requires them to have chosen a party affiliation 6 months before the primary. You think if they care enough to sue, they’d have cared enough to get their registration right.

Let’s see, many who support Donald Trump do so because he’s rich and “successful.” But then some of those same people are against Hillary Clinton because of the money she has made. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

Lost and Found.

May 14, 2014

An underwater explorer believes he has found and identified the wreck of Christopher Columbus’ flagship, the Santa Maria. And CNN responded “How are you on planes?”


The Los Angeles Clippers played that last minute of their playoff game like they just want to go home and stop dealing with basketball. Can’t imagine why.

Donald Sterling’s most recent interview talking about Magic Johnson is a perfect paraphrase for an old adage. Better to be thought an ignorant a**hole, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

The #Pacers are playing some of these NBA playoff games like a team with nonrefundable vacation plans for Memorial Day weekend. #Wizards


The widow of the driver in the crash that killed Paul Walker is suing Porsche. Guess she thinks they should have built something into the car to keep it from going 94 MPH on city streets?

Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg and Mets 1b Lucas Duda said they think a hamburger from Shake Shack at Citi Field gave them food poisoning this weekend. Is that going to be the Yankees’ excuse?.


Justin Bieber now being investigated for attempted robbery? So is it robbery when you sell CD’s and downloads that are allegedly music?

A thought about some of these people who were uncomfortable with Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Have to wonder if there would have been the same reaction had say, a very attractive WNBA draftee kissed her equally attractive girlfriend?

Rutgers dismissed incoming QB Philip Nelson, who has been charged with assault for allegedly critically injuring another man by kicking him in the head. Wonder how good a QB Nelson is, which might determine how quickly some other team will call him a “troubled young man” and give him another chance

The latest rumor on Stan Van Gundy is that he may take the Pistons job, and that he will get a fair amount of operations and personnel control. The most disappointed people? Comedy writers who were hoping he’d sign on with the Golden State Warriors and Joe Lacob with that expectation.

Fox News reports that a UCLA professor is alleging racial bias in admissions in favor of African-Americans. The current enrollment at the university is 1,082 African-American/Black, or 3.8% of the total. Counting athletes. If admissions is really trying to be biased they’re not doing much of a job.


Fortunately, there were no injuries Tuesday at the Seattle Airport when passengers were deplaning a Southwest flight and a jet bridge dropped several feet. United would have charged them a “thrill ride” fee.

Teddy Bridgewater, who seems like a nice young man, is now saying he didn’t want to be drafted by the Browns. What’s the point of that statement? Just gives another team a reason to try to pound you into the ground. At least the Vikings don’t play Cleveland this year.

Alec Baldwin was cited for riding his bike the wrong way on a New York City street, and then arrested when he allegedly became belligerent and abusive with the police. Then he ranted “How old are these officers? They don’t even know who I am.” Guessing the cops knew EXACTLY who Baldwin was…and that might have been why they arrested him when he played the DYKWIA card

At #ATTPark workers wear gloves to make giant hot fudge ice cream sundaes. Because the #SFGiants would hate for those sundaes to be unhealthy for you?

Mike Minor comes into game with 6.75 era. So of course #SFGiants can’t hit him. #turningbadpitchersintoCyYoung.

Arrested development.

April 15, 2014

There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?


Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”



Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.


Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?


The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 


For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)






Power (ball) failure?

May 18, 2013

Apparently if we really want to get voter turnout up in the US, all we need to do is offer voters a free #Powerball ticket.


But there was a Powerball winner tonight,  as the odds indicated this time because  most combinations were picked. And if most Americans understood the math of why that is unusual, they wouldn’t be playing in the first place.


(although as Michael Schilby points out..  A ticket is “cheaper than going to a Cubs game, and, if you’re a Cubs fan, more rewarding.”


One positive thing about Powerball, at least it’s made sure most Americans have learned to count to 59.


Was only six numbers off tonight’s #Powerball jackpot, and I didn’t even play.


So with about a month to go in the NBA finals, we’ve got teams from the major media markets left of San Antonio, Indianapolis, Memphis and Miami. The winner? Might be Major League Baseball.


#Oxbow won the #Preakness. Meaning the Belmont Stakes will now be about as much of a TV ratings success as the rest of #NBC’s lineup.



Not saying Oxbow’s jockey Gary Stevens is old, but rumor has it he had to rush to the track for the 6:18pm post time after finishing his Early Bird special dinner.


(Alex Kaseberg adds, that Stevens is so old,  “he left Oxbow’s right turn signal on the whole race.”)


Wow, never thought I’d type this: If the 2013 SF Giants could pitch and catch, they’d be dangerous.


In 2013, Notre Dame can qualify for a BCS bowl if they win 9 games and finish in the top 14 of the final BCS poll. But due to current contracts, if they win, say, 6-7 games the Fighting Irish, while bowl-eligible, might have to stay home. Oh the horror.


No one was injured when a US Airways Express flight had landing gear problems and ended up making a belly landing at Newark Airport airport last night. But standby for a “wheel maintenance fee.”

So will the main accomplishment of the Houston Astros moving leagues be keeping the LA Angels out of last place in the AL West?


Wouldn’t it be nice if Americans and the media got as up in arms about coming up with a fair and reasonable tax system as they did over whether some political groups were too closely scrutinized over what would be at best a questionable tax-exempt status?

Uh, congrats, but where’s the hair?

May 16, 2011

The happy graduate is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who was drafted out of USC in 2003, but hadn’t graduated. He went back last semester and completed his degree. In history.

(And yes, that’s not a typo.  History.  That means reading real books, with small print. and probably lots of them.  But what DID he do with the hair??  If he cut it for real, instead of putting it in some sort of bun, does that mean he’s sure there won’t be a season anytime soon?  Hair doesn’t grow back THAT fast….)

In the NHL playoffs, before you think all Canadian fans (as in fans of the Flames, Leafs, Canadiens etc) are rooting for the Canucks against the San Jose Sharks, consider this line from Bruce Arthur of the (Canada) National Post: The notion that all Canadian hockey fans should root for the last remaining member of the club, is like asking the relatives of gang members killed in a six-gang war to root for the last gang standing.”

Song lyric of the weekend after Oklahoma City won game seven in their playoff series against Memphis, and Tampa Bay won game one against Boston:

“The Thunder Rolls, and the Lightnin’ Strikes….

An American Airlines flight had to return to Phoenix today after reported light smoke in the cabin. Yeah, some of those pilots just can’t break the habit of having a cigarette when they drink.

Jorge Posada apologized to New York fans, a day after he quit on the team, and against the Red Sox no less.  (Posada withdrew from the lineup when he was slotted ninth in the batting order.)

No word on whether Yankee fans and his teammates will forgive the quitting.  But Posada WAS named an honorary Los Angeles Laker.

Murray Handwerker, son of Nathan, and the man who turned Nathan’s Famous hot dogs into a national name, died at the age of 89. Murray attributed his long life to never eating his own product.

Despite Mike Huckabee’s withdrawal, the GOP presidential race still will have at least seven dwarfs. And no doubt we can count on the future nominee being snow white.

Newt Gingrich says he should be judged by “what I can do for America now, rather than the past.” Which he doesn’t want to talk about. Then Newt introduced his campaign manager, Mark McGwire.

Gingrich also said that he isn’t going to be the GOP’s vice presidential candidate. Guess Newt figures he’s no Sarah Palin, as the only thing he quits halfway through are his marriages.

From Marc Ragovin:

Mike Huckabee said that his decison not to run for president was neither political nor financial, but rather spiritual.  As in he realized, he didn’t have a prayer of winning

You can’t make this up…

May 14, 2011

Once again, some realities top any potential punchline:

Ochocino,  tweeting about his prospective bull riding adventure:

“The real question is not how long I can last on the bull but how long the bull can last with me riding him or her.”

And yes, baseball players are superstitious, and as such usually don’t like no-hitters or even streaks mentioned.  And maybe they have a point:

The San Francisco Chronicle mentioned today in a sidebar, that Giants’ relievers had not allowed a run in 22 innings.  So what happened at Wrigley Field today?  Three relievers combined to allow eight runs, in less than two innings.

Not to say that a lot of fans who turn into the playoffs don’t pay regular attention to NBA basketball, but apparently some folks are eager to see the Heat-Bulls series because they want to see how Lebron James matches up with Michael Jordan.

The Grizzlies rallied today to force game seven against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Memphis fans are thrilled, they haven’t had a professional team like this in town since John Calipari was coaching the Tigers.

Fans in Seattle had mixed feelings watching tonight’s NBA playoff game, as their former Super Sonics,  now the Oklahoma City Thunder,almost advanced to the Western Conference finals.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if when the Super Sonics left, they had taken the Mariners with them.

The Giants are in first place, so we shouldn’t complain. BUT….. Getting awfully tired of “-fill-in-name-of-journeyman-pitcher-with-high-ERA- struck out a season-high today against San Francisco.” stories. (Rick Dempsey?! Really?)

Katie Couric’s last day as CBS news anchor will be May 19, about two weeks before her five year contract is over. “Just another liberal who didn’t know how to take the courageous road and quit halfway through” sniffed Sarah Palin.

Meanwhile,  Meghan McCain let Glenn Beck have it for his nasty comments about her looks. My favorite line from her response  “I mean, if you’re too conservative and outrageous for Fox, that should tell you something. ” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain.

Congressman Ron Paul of Texas Friday announced his third run for the Presidency. Paul says he’s “optimistic” about his chances and that his “supporters are enthusiastic.” Of course we hear the same thing every year from the manager of the Cubs.

QB Tate Forcier, who left Michigan after he was declared academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, has changed his mind about transferring to Miami. Forcier now will not become a Hurricane because of what a source told the AP were “undisclosed personal matters.” Possible translation, did they expect him to go to class?

From Marc Ragovin of New York   “An article in today’s paper said that a revamped Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark has reopened, although some glitches remain. I’ll say. In Act III Peter Parker gets shot in the eye by a Navy Seal.”

NBA playoff thrillers and other fantasies…

May 20, 2010

Not to say these NBA playoff games have largely been lopsided and uninteresting, but there was a heck of a lot more drama in the draft ping-pong balls.

The NBA teases fans all year with the promise that despite often lackluster and disappointing regular season performances, that more exciting things are to come when the post season arrives. And then when the post season starts out equally disappointing, that the NEXT round will be better. Who’s sponsoring this league anyway? Microsoft?

So the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Suns 124-112 to go up 2-0 in their NBA Western Conference Finals. But the Suns have a strategy for when game three returns to Phoenix. They’ll just tell local police that Kobe Bryant was really born in Kenya.

Looks like the Orlando Magic will last in the playoffs about as long as a $20 bill lasts at Disney World.

Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit, with a speaking fee of up to $30,000 per appearance. Her topic? “How being an unwed mother can keep you from having a profitable career.”

PETA is paying Nayda Suleman to have a plastic sign in her front lawm that reads: “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” – The organization also is offering Suleman a free month’s supply of veggie dogs and burgers, and has offered to pay for spaying HER.

Recent polls show a tightening race in the California gubernatorial primary. Which some pundits say could mean more mudslinging. More mud? As anyone who watches television in California will tell you, isn’t that at this point like BP spilling more oil.

The inventor of the ATM machine, John Shepherd-Barron, just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public, however, for non-members of his church, your regular place of worship may charge you for attending.

Meg Whitman’s 50-point lead over Steve Poizner now apparently has dwindled to single digits. Despite the millions Whitman has poured into the race already. Unfortunately for the former CEO of EBAY, this election didn’t have a “Buy It Now” button.

BP apparently told federal regulators that they could handle an oil spill 50 times the size of the one they are currently trying to deal with now. Isn’t it time to change the company name to “Barely Plausible”

Whats the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks? At this point, looks like about a week.

A record that will never be broken. Forget DiMaggio’s hitting streak, how about Cy Young’s total victories – 511. To put that in perspective. 511 is more than the Royals had in the past eight full SEASONS. And actually counting what they have so far in 2010, the 8 1/4 year total is 490..