Posted tagged ‘NBA playoffs jokes’

In the hole?

April 26, 2016

CNN.com headline “Tiger feels good after first holes of year.” So are we talking golf?

 

Giancarlo ‪#‎Stanton‬ just hit a three-run home run off of Clayton ‪#‎Kershaw‬. Who does Stanton think he is? Madison ‪#‎Bumgarner‬?

Uh oh, Drew Brees on Roger Goodell. “I think we would all agree that [he] definitely has too much power. He is judge, jury and executioner when it comes to all the discipline. I’m not going to trust any league-led investigation, when it comes to anything.”
So wonder what Goodell is going to do to the Saints this year?

The Los Angeles #‎Clippers‬ announced Blake Griffin will be out the rest of the postseason, and Chris Paul will be out, “indefinitely.” Okay, so  they’ll both miss two games.

DeAndre Jordan, with a lifetime 42% FT percentage, managed to shoot 2 consecutive air balls from the line yesterday. Heck I could probably at least hit the rim.
Changing the “hack” rule for people like him is like giving baseball’s free swingers 4 strikes, or giving last year’s 49ers five downs.

Johnny Manziel has been indicted by a Texas grand jury on an assault charge. Hmm. Maybe Johnny Football REALLY wanted to be picked up by the Cowboys or 49ers.

#‎NottheOnion‬ Andrew Luck has started an online book club. And down in the SEC they’re asking “What’s a book?”

Skip Bayless is leaving ESPN after the NBA finals. So the position of “Most Obnoxious Man” on the network is open.

Think the only way ‪#‎KellyRipa‬ could have gotten more media attention lately is if she had started a ‪#‎Twitter‬ war with ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬

Not sure, but just guessing before round 2 that if asked anyone connected with the San Antonio Spurs will say of course Durant and Westbrook are both superstars. ‪#‎MarkCuban‬ ‪#‎hesaindiot‬

Apparently a new and successful form of medical marijuana for women with PMS and gynecological pain issues is marijuana suppositories. Kind of puts a whole new slant on “up yours.”

 

 

Donald Trump tonight tweeted “Bernie Sanders has been treated terribly by the Democrats—both with delegates & otherwise. He should show them, and run as an Independent!”
Uh, Donald, speaking of feeling badly treated by a party, why don’t YOU run as an independent?”

 

Donald Trump tonight said the only thing Hillary has is “the woman’s card” but “women DON’T like her.” Got news for the Donald. women like him less.

Money money money money…

April 20, 2016

 

Former slave ‪#‎HarrietTubman‬ replaces slave owner ‪#‎AndrewJackson‬ on the $20. Mean bitch karma for the much delayed win!

 

So at this point in ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ is the question less if there will be an upset than if one first round matchup will actually go 6 games?

Although it’s April 20. So guess what folks? We’re exactly only 60 days from a possible game 7 in the ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬

ESPN just fired ‪#‎CurtSchilling‬. Too soon to start a pool as to when he might be hired by ‪#‎FoxNews‬?

Marc Ragovin suggested last night that after Schilling included an offensive cartoon in a Twitter post defending North Carolina’s anti-LGBT law. “Hey Curt, put a bloody sock in it.”

Border agents just discovered a 2,600 ft tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego, with ventilation, a rail system and an elevator. Uh, Trump, about that wall…..

Nike has ended its contract with Johnny Manziel. Alas, the QB couldn’t seem to figure out the slogan wasn’t “Just OverDo It.”

Ted Cruz wrote a whining fundraising email about the sacrifices he is making to run for President – no sleep, no personal time, no family time…. And somewhere God is thinking. “Take a hint Ted, and go home.”

Bernie Sanders was complaining tonight that “about 3 million” New Yorkers “were unable to vote today because they had registered as Independents, not Democrats or Republicans.”  Uh yes, that’s why they call them party primaries.
Maybe six months ago the campaign should have thought of getting people to register as Democrats if Sanders wanted to run as a Democrat….

 

While some Democrats are battling over admittedly at times complicated primary rules, have to think some in the GOP are just laughing as they tighten voting rules for the general election. ‪#‎theREALthreattodemocracy‬

Is it wrong that I’ve never watched ‪#‎LiveWithKellyandMichael‬, have no idea who’s in the right, and don’t really give a damn? .

Is this really the best marketing line? A Sephora email says “Glow like you just came back from Rio.” Uh, with the Zika and the toxins in the water etc., have to think, could you come back radioactive too?

Chicago Blackhawks forward Andrew Shaw, who at first claimed he didn’t “know what’s said” has now apologized for a gay slur directed at a referee Tuesday night “When I got home and saw the video, it was evident that what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances.”
So he needed to see the video to know what he said? Does Shaw aspire to a career in politics?

Uh oh, Ben Carson’s been on the Daily Show and now he thinks he’s relevant again…..”I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary. I mean a tremendous president…. I love Harriet Tubman,” said Carson. “I love what she did. But we can find another way to honor her. Maybe a $2 bill.”
At least he didn’t say $3 bill.

 

 

 

Just wondering, since inflation has hit everything else in the SF Bay Area, why does Facebook still cap you at 5,000 friends?

(and no, I don’t have 5,000 FB friends.  But people who I know do, and they can’t add me.  #reflectedglory)

 

High or cry time?

April 17, 2016

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf signed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. Does being sick of watching the Phillies lose count?

Charlotte’s loss today to Miami extended their postseason losing streak to 11 games, third longest in NBA history. Almost a shame the Hornets couldn’t have a first round matchup with the Raptors. ‪#‎somethingsgottogive‬

 

Vince Carter had a good game for ‪#‎Grizzlies‬. For 2016-7 maybe he’s old enough to sign a free agent contract with the  ‪#‎Spurs‬?

Two Syracuse football players are recovering with non life-threatening injuries after they were allegedly stabbed by a former teammate. ‪#‎ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

Pablo Sandoval is flying to Alabama for a 2nd opinion on his injured shoulder from Dr. James Andrews. Either that or the trip is for the pulled pork and pecan pie.

#‎LukeWalton‬ has apparently turned down head coaching job with ‪#‎Knicks‬. Guess he’s holding out for an offer from an ‪#‎NBA‬ professional team

McDonald’s is opening a new restaurant in Missouri that will feature “all-you-can-eat” French Fries. So Missouri can now be the “Show Me How Fat We Can Get” state?

The Treasury has announced Andrew Jackson will be replaced on the $20 bill by an unnamed woman. But Alexander Hamilton is staying on the $10. It’s about time for a woman on our currency. But poor Jackson, had they only written an “Old Hickory” hit Broadway musical….

While some voters on both sides scream about free trade, a new Associated Press-GfK poll.poll shows that while Americans say they would like to buy things made in the US, 67% of them would buy the exact same thing made overseas if it were less expensive….

A Nashville mom and her friend are facing charges after they left her 13-month-old daughter in a hot car while auditioning at a strip club. Apparently the friend was supposed to be watching the girl but went inside to watch the audition. The child is okay, and yes, it could have been a horrible story. But wonder how many people who are condemning the mom are both pro-life and against subsidized child care?

Donald Trump on a possible contested GOP convention: “I hope it doesn’t involve violence. I hope it doesn’t. I’m not suggesting that.”
Why doesn’t Trump just say “It’s a nice little convention you’ve got planned. It would be a shame if something happened to it.

Some angry voters are threatening to sue over New York’s closed primary, which requires them to have chosen a party affiliation 6 months before the primary. You think if they care enough to sue, they’d have cared enough to get their registration right.

Let’s see, many who support Donald Trump do so because he’s rich and “successful.” But then some of those same people are against Hillary Clinton because of the money she has made. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

Missed it by that much.

April 21, 2014

Kraft Foods is recalling 96,000 pounds of its Oscar Mayer wieners because they may mistakenly contain cheese. Wonder how many Kraft might have recalled if the wieners mistakenly contained meat.

 

Why there is no satire. Connecticut  Senator Richard Blumenthal, campaigning campaign for better safety with Metro-North trains, held a press conference, set up his easel too close to the tracks, and almost got hit by the train. 

A South African Sunday Times columnist wrote today that a “reliable source” told him that Oscar Pistorius was taking acting lessons before his trial so he could appear more sympathetic. Just when you thought Pistorius couldn’t appear any more of a scumbag….

R.I.P. Ruben “Hurricane” Carter, 76. And if you don’t know who he is except that Dylan wrote a song about him, you might be young. And if you don’t know who Dylan is, you might be REALLY young.

Miami needed an 18-4 run in the 4th quarter to beat Charlotte in game 1 of their NBA playoff series. Heat coach Erik Spoelstra ” We were flat to start. I think our guys were just anxious.” “Anxious” against the 43-39 Bobcats? Or worried about their ticket allocation for the Eastern conference finals?

 

The NBA says now that referees made a game-changing mistake in missing a foul against Chris Paul with 20 seconds left in the Warriors-Clippers game 1. But it’s not as if the league feels it was anything really critical – the refs didn’t cost the Heat a game.

Meanwhile, the Washington Wizards have actually won a playoff game. I blame Obama.

 

It will be a very long time before Easter is again on 4-20.    So  Frito-Lay really missed their chance to have a line of egg-shaped Doritos.

 

Miss American has asked a high school to reconsider their suspension of a student for asking her to his prom during an assembly. Really?! Better that than he was dating a teacher.

 

In Friday night’s game against the Rays, the Yankees’ Cesar Cabral faced six batters, allowing three hits, three hit batsmen, and three runs. All without recording an out. He was released afterwards. Cabral has to hope he gets picked up by an NL team, he could probably throw a few shutdown innings against the SF Giants.
Apparently the Dodgers’  Clayton Kershaw felt no back pain in a simulated game. And SF Giants fans are thinking “Good for him, now let’s hope he takes the recovery nice and slow and easy. Until August or September at least..
From Bill Littlejohn  “What University of Idaho football recruiters tell prospects—that WR Dezmon Epps was the only WR in the nation to total over 100 yards receiving against eventual national champion Florida State
What University of Idaho football recruiters neglect to tell prospects–they lost that game to Florida State, 80-14

Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Second season?

April 16, 2011

Actually,  many regular fans would say the playoffs, which start tomorrow, are the NBA’s only season.

Although for many teams, including California’s Warriors, Clippers, and Kings, the real second season is the lottery ball pick.

Meanwhile,  back in the land of the living;  Lebron James’s jersey is apparently the number one seller in the world.  No word on how many of those are repeat sales to buyers who found they worked well as kindling.

The  CDC now says that last fall 21 NBA players on 13 teams apparently had the norovirus. It took the CDC so long to determine this because the outward signs, a general lethargy and lack of energy, are also symptoms of play in the NBA regular season.

A proposed new NCAA rule will allow teams, when their opponent has a penalty in the last minute of the the half, to choose to accept the penalty AND run 10 seconds off the clock. The only potential snag – getting enough SEC players enrolled in advanced math so they can count to ten.

And they wonder why Americans can’t count: Big Macy’s ad in the Friday paper. “One Day Sale – Shop Today and Tomorrow.”

And we wonder why mail is sometimes mis-delivered. The Post Office has a “forever” first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty. Except that the Statue of Liberty on the stamp isn’t the one in New York harbor, it’s the replica statue located at the New York New York Casino in Las Vegas. (Not making this up.)

But maybe slot machines for customers waiting in line could be an interesting way to help close the USPS’s budget deficit?

For NHL fans, the Boston Bruins are playing the Montreal Canadiens  in the first round of the playoffs and the rivalry is getting heated.  “Boston Pizza”, a chain with  locations in Montreal, will unofficially temporarily be renamed “Montreal Pizza.”

Now, the most famous food from Montreal is smoked meat.  But for fans hoping to retaliate, unfortunately nothing is getting smoked in Boston these days except the Red Sox.

One thing I wouldn’t mind the GOP slashing is hypocrisy. Paul Ryan, whose proposed budget would cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, had his father die when he was 16. Ryan then paid for his college eduation at Miami University (of Ohio) with Social Security survivors benefits.

Commie pinko time again:

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will appear on an upcoming episode of “30 Rock.”  Anyone who doubts Rice’s ability to do comedy and keep a straight face clearly has not seen her performance in calmly answering questions “The United States does not torture.”.