Posted tagged ‘New York jokes’

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Numbers game.

September 19, 2016

The NY Mets have started selling Tim Tebow #15 jerseys. Well, as if anyone wondered what $ome of the rea$on$ are that the Met$ $igned him?

 

Number of times #SFGiants have lost w/ lead in 9th- 9. Number of times #SFGiants have won when trailing in 9th- 0. #2016seasoninanutshell

 

Shame of it all, tonight’s blown save wasted a great pitching performance from #Madbum, not to mention a run scored on an infield hit, stolen base, error & wild pitch. #SFGiants offensive explosion!

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A #LADodgers fan friend asked me who I thought was the #SFGiants MVP. Told him the #Dodgers MVP should be #Casilla. (or maybe they should just vote a playoff share to the entire bullpen?”)

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Apparently a second bomb didn’t go off in Manhattan because thieves stole the suitcase in which it was placed, and accidentally disabled the device. #GodBlessNewYorkers.

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Washington coach Jay Gruden “We have total faith that Kirk (Cousins) will get it done, and he will get it done.” Translation, we haven’t found a team willing to trade us any better option.

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Donald Trump, whose arm must be really tired for all the pats he gives himself on the back, boasted “I should be a newscaster because I called it (the NY explosion being a bomb) before the news.”
Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? I would be just fine with Trump being a newscaster, after Nov. 8. When he has nothing better to do.

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As of today, Ivanka Trump is getting Secret Service protection. Wait. What? Why would the Donald risk his precious daughter?. Because surely Trump’s own personal security staff is the greatest, bestest security ever.

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It’s a free country. So while Colin Kaepernick has a right to protest, Americans have a right to be upset at him. But I hope some of those same Americans are also upset about Terence Crutcher

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Would @realDonaldTrump explain how profiling all #Muslims helps w/ millions of law-abiding Muslims who now do assist and support police?

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Now, who the heck knows what really turns someone into a potential terrorist. But the family of alleged NY bombing suspect Ahmad Rahami had sued the city of Elizabeth, NJ, arguing that they were targeted by the city, police and their neighbors because they were Muslim.
Not that Trump’s plan to get police to profile all Muslims will make anyone else angry….

 

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NY GOP Rep. Lee Zeldin today, after Ahmad Rahami’s arrest today, tweeted out “Suspect in custody. You are welcome Colin Kaepernick” #WTF? Is Zeldin angling for a job in a potential Trump administration?

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Reports from Politico & the Guardian are that George H.W. Bush told Kathleen Kennedy Townsend he’s “voting for Hillary.” Looks like the really smart Bush was always Poppy.

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Note to Donald Trump, now THIS is a Presidential response: “I think it is important to remember what terrorists and violent extremists are trying to do. They are trying to hurt innocent people, but they also want to inspire fear in all of us, and disrupt the way we live to undermine our values “We all have a role to play as citizens in making sure that we don’t succumb to that fear. And there is no better example of that than the people of New York and New Jersey.”
Folks around here, you know, they don’t get scared. They are tough, they are resilient, they go about their business every single day. And that kind of toughness and resoluteness and a recognition that neither individuals nor organizations like ISIL can ultimately undermine our way of life, that’s the kind of strength that makes me so proud to be an American.” #DamnIwillmissObama

 

 

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High or cry time?

April 17, 2016

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf signed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. Does being sick of watching the Phillies lose count?

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Charlotte’s loss today to Miami extended their postseason losing streak to 11 games, third longest in NBA history. Almost a shame the Hornets couldn’t have a first round matchup with the Raptors. ‪#‎somethingsgottogive‬

 

Vince Carter had a good game for ‪#‎Grizzlies‬. For 2016-7 maybe he’s old enough to sign a free agent contract with the  ‪#‎Spurs‬?

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Two Syracuse football players are recovering with non life-threatening injuries after they were allegedly stabbed by a former teammate. ‪#‎ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

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Pablo Sandoval is flying to Alabama for a 2nd opinion on his injured shoulder from Dr. James Andrews. Either that or the trip is for the pulled pork and pecan pie.

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#‎LukeWalton‬ has apparently turned down head coaching job with ‪#‎Knicks‬. Guess he’s holding out for an offer from an ‪#‎NBA‬ professional team

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McDonald’s is opening a new restaurant in Missouri that will feature “all-you-can-eat” French Fries. So Missouri can now be the “Show Me How Fat We Can Get” state?

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The Treasury has announced Andrew Jackson will be replaced on the $20 bill by an unnamed woman. But Alexander Hamilton is staying on the $10. It’s about time for a woman on our currency. But poor Jackson, had they only written an “Old Hickory” hit Broadway musical….

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While some voters on both sides scream about free trade, a new Associated Press-GfK poll.poll shows that while Americans say they would like to buy things made in the US, 67% of them would buy the exact same thing made overseas if it were less expensive….

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A Nashville mom and her friend are facing charges after they left her 13-month-old daughter in a hot car while auditioning at a strip club. Apparently the friend was supposed to be watching the girl but went inside to watch the audition. The child is okay, and yes, it could have been a horrible story. But wonder how many people who are condemning the mom are both pro-life and against subsidized child care?

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Donald Trump on a possible contested GOP convention: “I hope it doesn’t involve violence. I hope it doesn’t. I’m not suggesting that.”
Why doesn’t Trump just say “It’s a nice little convention you’ve got planned. It would be a shame if something happened to it.

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Some angry voters are threatening to sue over New York’s closed primary, which requires them to have chosen a party affiliation 6 months before the primary. You think if they care enough to sue, they’d have cared enough to get their registration right.

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Let’s see, many who support Donald Trump do so because he’s rich and “successful.” But then some of those same people are against Hillary Clinton because of the money she has made. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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There’s no place like snow?

January 24, 2016

It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.  http://nypost.com/2016/01/23/this-panda-is-having-a-better-snow-day-than-you/

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A piece of wreckage that may belong to MH370 has been found in Thailand. CNN is crushed, they couldn’t have this happen on a weekend where they don’t have Snowageddon to cover?

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Not sure whose fault this storm is. But wonder if in Philadelphia some crazy fan said “God, please don’t let the 76ers lose again Saturday night”?

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In New York, Broadway shows were told to close Saturday. And no doubt hardy locals were thinking “No, no, it’s our one chance to get reasonably priced standby or Stubhub tickets to Hamilton.”

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And with all the train, transit, restaurant, theater etc. closing in New York over snow, no doubt folks in Chicago,  Green Bay and Minneapolis were united in thinking “WIMPS!”

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Temperatures in Orlando, Florida have fallen into the 40s and may go as low as 33 tonight. “I feel so sorry for them” said no one on the East Coast.

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George Zimmerman’s divorce has been finalized. So guess what ladies, he’s single.

 

Apparently at least 80% of the money in Las Vegas has been waged on the Patriots tomorrow, even as 3 point favorites. So if Peyton and the Broncos pull it out, the top champagne toast for Vegas bookies will be “Omaha!”

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Barbara Bush has made a campaign ad for Jeb’s run for President, “Rather than talking about how popular they are or how great they are, he’s doing it because he sees huge need and it’s not being filled by anybody.”
Wonder how long it will take another GOP candidate showing Barbara saying we’ve had enough Bushes in the White House?

 

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Now Michael Bloomberg is talking about jumping into the Presidential race as a third party candidate. If nothing else he’ll give Trump a run on who has the biggest ego in New York City.

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Donald Trump said today at a rally in Iowa “I could stand in the middle of 5th Ave, shoot somebody & I wouldn’t lose any voters, it is incredible.”
I am not sure what’s scarier, that Trump said, it, or that it’s probably true.

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In Renton, Washington, an allegedly drunk young man dropped his gun in a movie theater showing “13 Hours.” It discharged and critically injured a woman ‪#‎ifonlytheotherpatronshadbeenarmed‬

 

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So after today, the SAT test is changing and will no longer require the vocabulary section with often obscure words. Those of us who got into college partly because of how much we read find this rather lugubrious.

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Moving on.

November 3, 2015

Rough World Series for New York fans. Now they’ll have to go back to being disappointed by the Jets, Giants and Knicks.

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There are rumors that Jimmy Fallon may have a worrisome drinking issue after three recent injuries. Hoping for his sake it’s not true…. but if it is, would NBC want Leno to come back as a temporary fill-in? Beginning to think the guy has more lives than a cat.

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A woman who was a 2014-15 Alabama’s Teacher of the Year has resigned. This after she was moved from teaching 2nd grade to 5th, and then told she didn’t have the qualifications to teach fifth-graders. Shocking. Alabama has teaching qualifications?

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Obama ordered federal agencies to “ban the box” in their hiring decisions, meaning they can’t ask prospective government employees about their criminal histories on job applications. Who says the President never does anything for Congress?

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Activision-Blizzard is acquiring Candy Crush’s maker for $5.9 billion. $5.9 billions? Wow. In the days after Halloween aren’t you supposed to get a discount on candy?

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Police have charged a Houston man with murder, saying he fatally stabbed his friend for taking the last piece of chicken at dinner. Your move, Florida, ‪#‎ifonlytheywerebotharmed‬

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ESPN is reporting that the SF 49ers are benching QB Colin Kaepernick for Blaine Gabbert. Which is the NFL equivalent of rearranging desk chairs on the Titanic?

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The SF 49ers have also shipped TE Vernon Davis to the Denver Broncos for future draft picks. Hardest thing for Davis at this point – wiping that sh*t-eating grin off his face as he cleans out his locker.

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So besides being suspended for 1 game, Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett will lose his scholarship for the summer term after being arrested for DUI and trying to avoid a checkpoint (“backing without safety.”)
This punishment means that unless he pays tuition himself, Barrett will not be able to work out with the team over the summer, but his scholarship will resume next fall. Assuming J.T. doesn’t declare for the NFL draft. ‪#‎whosaysUrbanMeyerdoesnthavestandards‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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The EPA is saying now that Volkswagen SUVs also used cheating software to get around U.S. emission standards. Ah, for the good old days when the most corrupt people in the car business were simply some used-car salesmen.

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Fox is now slamming CNBC for their non “substantive”” questions in the last GOP debate and saying they will do better in their next Fox Business debate. With more questions like this from the first Fox debate? “I want to know if any of [the candidates] have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first,”

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Now Donald Trump’s campaign says they will negotiate separately and “directly with the host network to establish debate criteria that will determine Mr. Trump’s participation.”
Guessing one of the questions the Donald will not allow would be one about how he expects to work collaboratively with Congress and various world leaders.

Donald Trump also now says he turned down an invitation to be on the “boring and low-rated” Last Week Tonight with John Oliver .And the show responded on Twitter “Couple of points. 1. Yes, we have a boring show. 2. At no point did we invite Donald Trump to appear on it.
So at what point does Trump realize, if he offends every single media outlet, who’s going to cover his outbursts?

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From Alex Kaseberg  “This Halloween, a kid came to our door dressed as Mets player, Daniel Murphy. At first he was a big hit, but then he kept dropping his candy.”

(And of course it would be perfect if the candy he dropped was rainbow skittles.)

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So you had a bad day….

August 15, 2015

If you ever doubted that even those who are really good at their jobs can have a bad day at work, I give you this pitching line: 2.1 innings, 12 hits, 10 earned runs.-

the stats are Saturday’s from Seattle’s Felix Hernandez.

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Oops. A New York thief got the idea to sneak under the electronic security gate as the owner was closing a liquor store. He got a couple thousand dollars, some booze, and locked in until cops showed up as the door didn’t open from the inside.‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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The Yankees-Blue Jays have 9 more meetings down the stretch. But who expected the winner of the AL East might be decided by which one of them is lucky enough to have more games against the Red Sox.

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A Missouri couple brought a boa constrictor into a restaurant and claimed it was a service animal. Although the law is very clear, service animals can be dogs only. Bad news for some Floridians with service gators?

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Donald Trump arrived today at the Iowa State Fair. Brave of him. You never know a that fair when someone might try to fry that furry thing that lives on his head and put it on a stick.

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Trump also says he is willing to spend’ $1 billion on his presidential campaign. Is this all part of Trump’s full employment program – no campaign consultant left behind?

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In Sunnyvale, California, police shot and killed a man, who was allegedly carrying guns  tonight outside a Motel Six. The Motel has been offering nightly rates of $99.  Guessing that fewer locals are shocked by the shooting than the fact that in Silicon Valley there are places you can stay for under $100 a night.

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Saw that Saints RB C.J.Spiller had knee surgery Friday. Then “He is expected to be back for the New Orleans season opener Sept 13.  Knee surgery. Less than a month. #thetimestheyareachangin

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Dan Uggla got his SF Giants World Series ring last night. In four 2014 games, Uggla went 0 for 12 with six strikeouts, a run scored and a walk, plus three errors at second.  On the other hand, Uggla made one very big contribution to the Giants; he sucked enough that they gave a chance to Joe Panik.

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If you can ice break it there, you’ll make it anywhere…..

February 17, 2015

New York’s East River is clogged with ice flows. How long until the Circle Line starts trying to make extra money by doing Titanic-themed cruises?

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We’re already up to Winter storms Neptune and Octavia. So what happens in another few weeks… do they start with Roman numbers?

 

The Yankees today announced that not only will they retire Andy Pettitte’s #46, they will also retire Bernie Williams’s #51 and Jorge Posada’s #20. So who will be the first Bronx Bomber to wear triple digits?

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When the Yankees announced they were retiring  Andy Petitte’s number, it prompted this tweet “”Congrats to 46. Yankees retiring his number. Hopefully they don’t retire it like his HGH testimony,” This from Petitte’s former teammate Chuck Knoblauch. So just guessing those two won’t be on the same team for the next Yankees’ old-timers game?

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A 20-year-old American man is out of intensive care after being repeatedly gored during a bull-running festival in Spain, including a major wound in his thigh area. So just MAYBE Darwin’s mission has been accomplished here.

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Sorry to hear of the death of former SF Giants coach Wendell Kim, only 64. But thinking that in a softball game in Heaven, Kim’s already waving Ernie Banks around third.

 

Barry Zito has signed a minor-league trade deadline with the As. Makes sense. He has a comfortable history with the team. And if Barry does well, presumably he can count on Oakland trading him to a contender mid-season.

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Lesley Gore, 68, who sang the hit “It’s my party,” has passed away. Presumably attendees at her funeral will be told they can “cry if they want to.”

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#‎JasonGiambi‬, 44, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

 

When a 20 yr-old New Jersey man who’d been drinking crashed a car, he returned in another car with a friend, also allegedly drunk, to pour water on the road. The idea being to make it look like he’d spun out on black ice.

A policeman saw them, along with the empty buckets, and both men were arrested. You’d think if the guy could think of something this creatively weird, he’d have been able to think to call a cab?

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The weather has been so bad back East that most Americans trying to honor our Presidents Monday had to resort to shopping online.

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Sarah Palin last night on SNL40 to Jerry Seinfeld –
“Just curious, Jerry, how much do you think Lorne Michaels would pay me if I were to run in 2016?”
“Run for president? Sarah, I don’t think there’s a number too big.”
“OK, just hypothetically then, what if I were to choose Donald Trump as my running mate?”

So does Palin actually have a sense of humor, or a fundraising strategy?

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Rai$ing the bar?

September 10, 2013

SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”

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Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?

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The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.

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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?

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As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.

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Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?

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Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..

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Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?

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Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?

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Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.

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Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.

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One or two touchdowns?

April 8, 2013

All these scores Sunday – NY wins 7-0,   Cleveland wins 13-0,   Boston wins 13-0,  St. Louis wins 14-3…. Did someone start the NFL preseason early and not tell me?

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Price – rocked, Strasburg – rocked, Hamels – rocked, Cain – rocked, Dickey – rocked, Verlander – , not great. So will today’s MLB headline be “Aces in the Hole?”

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Headline in Los Angeles Times – “Clippers sweep Lakers. Clinch division title.” Good thing the Tonight Show is moving to New York. This may have killed half their jokewriters.-

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My friend Darren reported  tonight “So the fans in Texas are chanting “Take a drink” @ Josh Hamilton”  Stay classy Texas fans, stay classy!!

Am afraid fans in Dallas are proving Hamilton’s point about it not being a baseball town. (Either that or they think they are in Philadelphia.)

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Barry Bonds is never at major SF Giants events like today’s ring ceremony, probably in part because the Giants don’t want reminders of the taint of cheating. So always a bit ironic to see Gaylord Perry. –

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Sen. John McCain doesn’t get the filibuster threat from other Republicans a bill for gun background checks. “I don’t understand it. The purpose of the United States Senate is to debate and to vote and to let the people know where we stand.” Sigh. If McCain really believes that is still the case, maybe he IS getting senile.

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Kathy  Griffin’s show was cancelled. Shocking! Kathy Griffin had a show?

 

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Dumb and dumber. Those leaked Rutgers tapes of Mike Rice in practice weren’t made surreptitiously, Rice himself had the practices filmed. (So much for that “always act like you know there’s a camera watching” theory of life.)

 

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A New York City councilwoman wants to make it a crime to buy fake designer purses. Forget the soda ban, this is the law that could get women banded together in serious bipartisan outrage.

 

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Conn. Gov. Dannel Malloy said of the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and his opposition to the state’s strict new gun laws – “He reminds me of the clowns at the circus.” No doubt there will be swift calls for an apology, from clowns.

 

-Condoleezza Rice played Augusta National today with Phil Mickelson. Was this the closest Condi’s been to a Lefty?

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If a coach yells in the forest…

April 4, 2013

With no one to record him, is he still fired?

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Many unfortunate lessons from the Mike Rice fiasco at Rutgers. And while his actions were inexcusable, have to wonder, how was the now ex-coach stupid enough to think you now can do ANYTHING around other people without someone having at least a camera phone.

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The #Nike ad said “Winning takes care of everything.” Mike Rice’s record at #Rutgers was 44-51.

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What’s a bigger surprise?  That Barry Zito is pitching the  SF Giants home opener?  Or that SF fans are happy about it.

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A fun stat for SF Bay Area friends from my friend Hartley Miller: Sharks/Warriors/Giants/A’s won Wednesday, 1st time all 4 Bay Area teams won on same day since April 18, 2007

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In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they were in favor of legalizing marijuana. Which is impressive considering that most regular pot users’ response was “uh, what was the question again?”

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Quote of the year from an NBA player: Shane Battier, when asked whether a Griner NBA tryout would be positive for women athletes or if it would be seen merely as an attention-grabbing sideshow. “Listen, this whole (NBA) is a sideshow, what’s one more trailer?”

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Fast food workers in New York City are going on strike. Wonder how long it will take Mayor Bloomberg to step in, and see if he can keep it going for a few years.

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San Jose’s mayor says he thinks it’s time for him to meet with MLB commission Bud Selig about the A’s proposed move. Wonder how long it will take Selig to come up with a Blue Ribbon committee to look into a meeting.

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Forget PED’s. Maybe NFL teams should focus on Twitter control: Buffalo Bills’ WR Stevie Johnson “‘War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea …. but if ya’ll do bomb 1st… Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely, #BillsMafia'”

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Former California Lt. Gov Abel Maldonado says he will run for Calif. Gov against Jerry Brown in 2014. Using strategists who worked on presidential campaign for John McCain and Jon Huntsman, and the advertising consultant who worked for Carly Fiorina. And those campaigns all worked out so well…..

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Talking with a Canadian friend – realized I could go buy a gun at Walmart here in the U.S., but they wouldn’t sell me .222s (Aspirin with caffeine and codeine, nonprescription in Canada.) What a country.

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Cardinals Pro Bowl LB Cardinals Daryl Washington has been suspended the first 4 games of 2013 for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Which means he’ll be back in time to earn another Pro Bowl spot this year. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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So in heaven tonight, Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs back up?

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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle Arnold says that his family encouraged him to get back onto the track to help stabilize him emotionally… We believe it is a vital step in helping him deal with the trauma.” Even O.J. Simpson is thinking ‘Have you no shame?”

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The Chicago Cubs are in first place. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

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The report is that during their 2011, Auburn altered grades from players in some classes to keep them eligible. When asked about it several former players allegedly responded “grades? “classes?”

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Some are upset because today after President Obama praised Kamala Harris as “brilliant and dedicated and tough… and the best-looking attorney general in the country.” So, okay, maybe he should have picked Beau Biden?

(But seriously, really folks?  Obama didn’t make any comments about Harris’ figure, and he didn’t go on about it like Brent Musberger, and he didn’t just compliment her looks.   ( For that matter he didn’t give her a neck rub.)   Just get the sense we need to loosen up a bit.  IMHO )

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Snow place like home.

February 9, 2013

The New York Knicks, in Minnesota tonight, and the Los Angeles Clippers, in Miami, may not be able to make it to New York in time for their nationally televised game on Sunday. So will David Stern try to fine Mother Nature?

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Meanwhile Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking ‘Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014..”

(suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn’t seem so bad.)

 

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The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling’s claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED’s in 2008 is “completely baseless.” Translation: Nobody put anything in writing.

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Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling’s current relations with the Red Sox.

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Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance.  While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they WOULD be removed from the gene pool before breeding.

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Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell’s “Value Menu.”

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NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman will pay over $1 million a year in alimony and child support to ex-wife. $1 million a year? For that, the Yankees could almost pay a month’s salary to a middling reliever.

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There’s been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry – “thieves don’t want our phones.”.

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You know it’s been a down year when Los Angeles Lakers fans are excited about a comeback against the Charlotte Bobcats.

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Shawn Marion said that if the Dallas Mavericks trade him to a bad team he won’t go. Wouldn’t it be simpler in that case for Marion just to say he had a shoulder injury?

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Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state’s health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that “the only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn’t benefit me personally.”

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A report on the Sandusky case commissioned by the Paterno family will be released Sunday. According to Sue Paterno, the report will defend her late husband, and question both the Freeh report and the NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State. Even Lance Armstrong is thinking “Give it up already.”

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Hal Steinbrenner said today he’s “concerned about A-Rod.” And millions of Yankees fans said “What took you so long?”

 

 

Condoleezza Rice hit a woman in the head with a shot during the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday. Who knew the former Secretary of State had aspirations to be Vice President?

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My house is not quite your house.

November 29, 2012

President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?

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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.

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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”

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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?

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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State

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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?

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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”

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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.

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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?

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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?

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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.

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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.

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Da (Bad News) Bears?

September 13, 2012

Wow. Jay Cutler’s performance tonight was enough to get Bears fans on their feet screaming for Rex Grossman.

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Not to say Chicago looked bad tonight, but Cubs fans sent sympathy notes.

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For the first time ever, visitors to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner at the new “Be Our Guest” restaurant opening in November. For a lot of tired parents, this really will make it Fantasyland.

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With today’s win, #81, the Orioles have guaranteed they will finish no lower than .500 for first time since 1997. The New York Yankees send their congratulations and suggest to keep the team healthy that Baltimore just shut everyone down for the rest of the season.

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The Wall Street Journal said that the new Nike Lebron Signature she would retail for $315. But they were wrong, it will only be $270. Well, heck, guess that means Nike thinks the average American can buy two pairs?

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Orioles beat Rays 3-2 in 14 innings. The game lasted almost 5 1/2 hours. Wow! That’s almost as long as an average Yankees-Red Sox game.

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Moving the Houston Astros to the AL was supposed to result in more reasonable travel schedules. So let’s see, the SF Giants’ longest 2013 roadtrips? LA-Colorado-Cincinnati, and LA-NY Mets and NY Yankees? Anyone in MLB offices look at a map?

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San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO) will close a main runway between 1000p Friday and 800a Monday for three weekends in September. Which will cause at least half the flights to be delayed, and the other half to be blamed on the closure.

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SI.com headline: “Reigning MLS MVP likely to miss rest of season.” “Bummer”, said most U.S. sports fans “Who is he, anyway?”

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Apparently potential Romney V.P. candidates had to give Mitt’s campaign 10 years of tax returns.

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The N.Y. Board of Health voted today to ban large sugary sodas in the city. Many read the news on the electronic ticker tape over the Times Square Hershey’s store.

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Dueling fundraising drives: Obama campaign offers donors a chance to spend an evening with Beyonce and Jay Z. Romney campaign counters with a chance to join “Mitt on board the campaign plane for an exciting day on the campaign trail — at 30,000 feet!

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Apparently a seagull swooped down and stole a camera right out of the hands of a tourist on a San Francisco beach. Hmm, wonder if the bird can be trained to go for cellphones in outdoor restaurants?

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A new report from the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security, headed by Kofi Annan, says that US campaign rules, with “uncontrolled, undisclosed, illegal and opague” finance, have shaken public confidence in politics. How long until our elections get UN observers?

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Making the cut.

June 16, 2012

Tiger Woods is tied for the lead after two rounds of the U.S. Open.  Well, good for him.  Tiger Woods is tied for the lead after two rounds of the U.S. Open. Well, good for him. It must have been a hard adjustment the last couple years with his fall in the rankings and the subsequent loss of media attention….

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Although he has served his second 50 game suspension,  Manny Ramirez is a free agent after being released by the Oakland As today.  Prospective teams are weighing the advantages and disadvantages of having the quixotic slugger on their roster, as well as the potential costs of prenatal care.

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Phil Jackson said today he wouldn’t coach the New York Knicks — even if the team asked. Well, duh, they don’t have a major superstar and aren’t favorites to win next year’s championship. –

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Some parents are upset because an age 10-14 girls volleyball tournament this weekend will be in the same San Jose convention center as the medical marijuana convention HempCon. Well, it’s not like the girls would be around a really dangerous group, like teachers.

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Bryce Harper is playing his first series with the Nationals against the Yankees this weekend. Wonder if anyone with New York has asked Bryce what number he wants when he signs his free agent contract.

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Just in case anyone was thinking the U.S. has a monopoly on political gaffes, this remark in a radio interview about Euro Cup 2012 from Andrzej Bojanowski, the Deputy Mayor of Gdansk, Poland: “I thank residents and city employees for behaving like normal civilised white people toward our guests who have in turn also behaved like normal white people.”

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Tim Pawlenty is campaigning with Mitt Romney, which is fueling V.P. speculation. Wow. We could have a Biden-Pawlenty debate. For millions of Americans this could be better than Ambien.

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MLB today denied the New York Mets’ request to have the one hit in R.A. Dickey’s gem Wednesday changed to an error. Considering the amount of chalk that “foul” ball kicked up in Santana’s “no-hitter,” I am surprised the ruling didn’t come with a “P.S. You really don’t want us to revisit these things.”

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Neil Munro, a reporter for the Daily Caller, twice interrupted President Obama’s immigration statement today. Tucker Carlson, his editor at the conservative website, said later “Reporters are there to ask questions. No politician wants to answer questions, but that’s not our concern.” Wonder what he would have said if someone from MSNBC interrupted Romney?

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In Central Florida, a male assistant girl’s’ high school basketball coach was fired for sending “several text messages to a female student that contained inappropriate sexual comments.” Uh, with a coach and student are there any “appropriate” sexual comments?

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Oxymoron for the day – “Common sense.”

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The Los Angeles Kings had their Stanley Cup Parade yesterday. Not to say the city isn’t a big hockey town but one of the most common reactions from Angelinos was “this is awesome, what are we celebrating again?”

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Starting today D1 basketball coaches will be able to make unlimited calls and send unlimited texts to recruits who have completed their sophomore year of high school. Wonder who pushed harder for this change, the coaches, or A T & T and Verizon?

The new rule will make things mostly easier for coaches, except for those who will actually need to learn how to text.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Bob Arum, the promoter for both Manny Pacquiao and Timothy Bradley, is asking Nevada officials for a full investigation into the controversial scoring of their championship fight in Las Vegas. Isn’tthat like Nixon asking for an investigation into Watergate?

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When you’re a Met.

June 2, 2012

Watched the replays from Johan Santana’s first ever “No-hitter” for the New York Mets. Guess this puts the Mets forever on the list of teams against fair or foul instant replay.

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Passenger on a Taiwan to Los Angeles flight last weekend were surprised to see a songbird flying down the aisle.. A flight attendant caught the bird and turned it over to Customs on arrival.. No word on what flight the bird was on, but we know it’s not an U.S.carrier – they would have charged passengers an extra music fee.

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Matt Kemp’s back on the DL, along with Troy Tulowitzki, Jered Weaver, Roy Halladay, Pablo Sandoval, etc. etc. Will this year’s MLB All Star Game be sponsored by Blue Shield?

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Just once could ESPN humor those of us sports fans who are Tigered-out and actually run a headline about who is LEADING a golf tournament, not how Woods is doing on a given day?

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My friend George was surprised to see President Obama in an Oakland library, but then realized it was a life-size cardboard cutout. Coincidentally he next ran into a life-size cardboard cutout of Romney, but then realized it was the real Mitt.

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This weekend England is celebrating their Queen’s Diamond jubilee. Wow. Who knew Elton John had been recording for 60 years?

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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day.

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John Edwards’ baby mama Rielle Hunter has announced she has written a  soon to be released book about their love affair, titled “What really happened: John Edwards,  our daughter and me.”   Well, there is some justice after all. Looks like with their daughter Quinn,  John has been sentenced to have to deal with Rielle for the rest of his life.

 

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Well, United Airlines is finally doing something to cut the total number of  delays at Houston-Intercontinental Airport by 5 %.  They anounced they are  cutting their total number of flights by 10%

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The SEC says they want a four “best” team playoff for the college football championship. Presumably as long as the conference can have two of the four teams.

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A 32 year old, who was just named “Teacher of the Year”, at his Texas middle school has been arrested and charged with sexting with a 15-year-old girl student. Once again implying, it may not be safe to allow heterosexual teachers in the classroom.

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The Toyota Prius became the world’s third-best-selling car in the first quarter of 2012. Only third? Then how come there’s always one in front of you when you’re in a hurry on the freeway?

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Yet more “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. “Thank you very much,” said the police who then arrested her at her home.

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And the horse he rode in on….

February 20, 2012

Rick Santorum, who has said he wants the Federal and State governments out of the education business, stated “For the first 150 years, most presidents home-schooled their children at the White House.” Right, and for the first 150 years, presidents rode to work on a horse.

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So former President Clinton was in attendance at the Magic-Heat NBA game today. Guess even Bill couldn’t get tickets to see Jeremy Lin and the Knicks.

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More shocking than the fact that the New York Knicks have an Asian point guard -they’re actually playing basketball that includes passing the ball.

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One of Jeremy Lin’s biggest fans has to be Yankees GM Brian Cashman. Since “Linsanity” has knocked Cashman’s personal life train wreck (ex-mistress talking after being jailed for stalking him and his family, wife filing for divorce) right off the front page.

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Not that I would mind seeing Rick Santorum as the GOP Presidential nominee. But did all these Republicans suddenly on his bandwagon forget that in his re-election campaign for Senate, in a relatively conservative state, Santorum lost by 18%?

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Now that pitchers and catchers have reported to spring training, it’s time to step back a bit from “Linsanity” and ask a question -. So which major league baseball teams have sent scouts to follow Harvard baseball?

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Newt Gingrich said of any late potential entrants into GOP Presidential field “Nobody’s going to show up and become Superman or Superwoman.” Heck, at this point many Republicans would settle for a good Clark Kent.

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NBC has confirmed that Lindsay Lohan is going to host SNL March 3. And it’s probably only a coincidence that the network has reportedly sent out a memo to cast members recommending they hide their jewelry.

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Controversy in California as a new program allows teenagers in some counties to request free condoms by mail. Actually the program is available to kids as young as 12.

Now, while I’m not personally a fan of 12 year olds having sex, it’s also really hard to imagine those kids, or even 13,14,15,16,17… year olds saying “Okay, I was thinking of waiting until marriage but, hey, free condoms, let’s do it.”

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Commentators seem surprised by how much Jeremy Lin has adapted and improved in two weeks in the NBA. Well, Palo Alto High and Harvard may not be known for their star athletes, but they do emphasize the ability to learn.

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Following on that thought, a serious comment for a change: Some wonder the difference between Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow, as both are devout Christian over-achievers. And why Lin, so far, is far less polarizing. Well, for starters, Tebow was home-schooled. Lin went through public schools. Which, while that may not make an intolerant person tolerant, and vice versa, does mean a slightly broader experience.

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Sunday Night Yankees Baseball?

April 18, 2011

As we watch the New York Yankees on the game of the week AGAIN, baseball fans can be glad for one thing. Major League Baseball doesn’t have a BCS. Otherwise it would be Red-Sox Yankees in EVERY ALCS. (And if they could tweak the rules enough, in the World Series too.)

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Meanwhile, over for the fans over in Queens, the Mets ended a seven game losing streak with a 3-2 win over the Atlanta Braves.   Not that their fans are completely mollified, but a win a week puts them on par with expectations for the New York Giants and Jets.

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Meanwhile,  the Grizzlies and the Hornets knocked off the San Antonio Spurs and the Los Angeles Lakers.  Or as the networks are trying to spin it  “A funny thing happened on the way to the NBA Western Conference Finals.”

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And re that final in Los Angeles –  Hornets 109 – Lakers 100:   Should someone tell Kobe and company the regular season is over and they can start playing now?

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According to Glenn Beck, the GOP, his own party, now wants to “politically assassinate” him, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Actually, no. All three are all doing a fine job of doing that themselves every time they open their mouths.

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Okay, who had this headline two weeks into the season? “Indians win, knock Royals out of first.”

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Some of the worst storms in decades have killed dozens of people and wreaked incredible damage in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and North Carolina. As awful as things have been, however, somehow no conservative commentators have suggested it was God’s revenge on anyone’s actions in these Red States.

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Now, I’m not voting for Mitt for president in this lifetime, but really? Donald Trump today criticized Mitt Romney’s business skills, saying “I’m a much bigger business man and have a much, much bigger net worth.” This from a man with as many bankruptcies as wives.

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And meanwhile, back in New York.  Okay, it was close. But it’s hard to view the team who made an orchestrated trade for Carmelo Anthony as hard luck losers.

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The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

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Fear of failure?

August 8, 2010

Jerry Rice said at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony that “the fear of failure is the engine that has driven me throughout my entire life.” Because he just couldn’t live with the thought of being labeled a failure.

Well at least that we know that fear doesn’t affect anyone on the Cubs.

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Most recently it was Kate Hudson, now it’s Cameron Diaz dating Alex Rodriguez. Considering what a shallow, self-centered egotist A-Rod seems to be, how bad must male actors be to make him look like good relationship material by comparison?

(Wait, don’t answer that.)

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You think you had a bad day -how about this pitching line Friday night from losing Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell, who came in in the eighth with a 2-1 lead. 0 innings pitched, 4 hits, 4 runs, 4 earned runs. Yikes.

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One day after the above Mets debacle, where New York ended up giving in 6 runs in the eighth, Johan Santana pitched into the eighth, and Mets manager Jerry Manuel went immediately to closer Francisco Rodriguez. The Mets won 1-0.

So for at least a day, filming was put off on “CSI- New York Bullpen.”

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As Marc Ragovin said, “how dire are things getting for the Mets? Their games may soon be broadcast on the Emergency Broadcast Network.”

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Despite a dismal past tenure, ranging from poor draft picks, to an $11 million dollar sexual harrassment settlement, to a horrible record as a coach, the New York Knicks have rehired Isiah Thomas as a consultant.

Who gets rehired with that kind of record? Re-elected, maybe.

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The University of Tennessee’s football program is has now joined the list of those being investigated for major violations, mostly for incidents that happened under Lane Kiffin. Kiffin, now at USC, may set a record for coaching at the most schools put on probation before leading anyone to a bowl game.

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At the University of Kentucky, rumors are swirling that star basketball recruit Anthony Davis was paid $200,000 to commit to the Wildcats. UK denies the allegations. And since their coach, John Calipari, only had his last two teams (Memphis and U Mass) have to forfeit their wins on his watch, who could doubt them?

Actually to be fair, $200,000 does sound like an unbelievable amount. For that much money Davis probably would have gone to USC.

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Lebron James finally got around to thanking fans in Cleveland, a full month after “The Decision.” With that kind of disaster management, when he retires Lebron will surely have a job waiting for him at FEMA.
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CEO Carly Fiorina, Chairwoman Patricia Dunn, CEO Mark Hurd…. So when did HP turn into BP?

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Fed up with Franken’s facial gestures and eye-rolling, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told Al Franken “this isn’t Saturday Night Live, Al.” Of course not, some of the stuff senators say with a straight face is far funnier.

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Regarding Michelle Obama’s vacation, and the criticism she is facing from some conservatives. If she had said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Spain but decided that this year I stay close to home with Sasha because of the economy,” no doubt some would have condemned her for pessimism and putting a damper on the recovering travel industry.

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