Posted tagged ‘Spitzer jokes’

Not a creature was stirring

December 25, 2013

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Well, actually it would be a good time for a stirring mouse.

 

T’is the season.  (Cats in the picture are Ashton, aka sh*t for brains – and Xena – aka warrior princess – aka voodoo cat.)

 

Now back to snark.

“He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake….” So will Edward Snowden’s next attempt for asylum be an offer to some country to divulge the secrets of Santa?

T’is the season for creative Darwin awards. This was another near miss. At the Denver Zoo during the Holiday Lights event, an allegedly drunk woman was rescued from the elephant enclosure after she somehow wandered in and was zapped by an electric fence. The lions are no doubt disappointed she didn’t wander into THEIR enclosure.

 

Apparently Tony Romo received an epidural after Sunday’s game. Not sure if this will have the Cowboys QB ready to play next week, but maybe it will give him a waiver next year to use some of Manny Ramirez’s female fertility drugs?

 

Eliot Spitzer and his wife Silda today announced they are ending their 16 year marriage. Based on their business backgrounds and relationship for the past few years this final dissolution must have been decided on based on something deep and important, like 2013 tax returns.

 

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  For all those who remember the great Johnny Carson.  And even for those who don’t:

 

Carnac the Magnifigant, envelope to head: “Ho, ho, ho.”  (Rips envelope and pulls out question: “How do you say hello to the Kardashian sisters.”)

 

Aaron Rodgers is still uncertain if he can play in Green Bay’s game Sunday against the Bears. Maybe this is God’s karmic payback for that “Discount Double Check” commercial?

 

Mike D’Antoni says if Lakers fans ” are discouraged, then, you know, find another team to root for. ” But gosh, where would fans in the Los Angeles area go to find another decent NBA team?”

Wonder how many people who are screaming about not having enough advance warning to sign up for Obamacare were also rushing around desperately Tuesday trying to finish their Christmas shopping.

Dallas owner and GM Jerry Jones said that Jason Garrett’s is NOT coaching for his job Sunday and that Garrett’s future is ‘bright with the Cowboys.” If true, maybe only because Jones won’t admit he made a mistake hiring the coach in the first place. (And this might be first time this year “bright” and “Cowboys” get used in the same sentence.)

During the SF 49ers’ last night at Candlestick Park there were 81 ejections and 30 arrests. Sounds like an average Giants-Dodgers game at the ‘Stick.

Rai$ing the bar?

September 10, 2013

SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”

 

Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?

The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.

49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?

As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.

Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?

 

 

Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..

Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?

Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?

Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.

Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.

Games People Play.

July 9, 2013

Aaron Hernandez’s likeness has been removed from the video games NCAA Football 14 and Madden NFL 25. Though he might be added to the latest versions of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat.

Spitzer, Weiner, Sanford…. Let’s hope somewhere someone is saying “Don’t even think about it,” to John Edwards.

George Clooney and Stacy Keiber have announced their split up. So congrats to all those who had July 8 in the pool.

During a rehab start in Single-A, A-Rod was hit by a pitch. A reporter then asked the pitcher’s grandmother about the Yankees’ star. “I think he thinks he’s kind of a hotshot. I don’t care for his personality. He just thinks he’s better than the other boys.” Who says the elderly lose cognitive abilities.

Whole Foods has recalled a cheese that over a bacterial infection that has sickened dozens and killed at least one person. And millions of Americans are thinking “how often is that that you literally can’t afford to have gotten sick?

Speaking of sick. .. Hostess has announced that to extend the snack cakes shelf-life they will now freeze Twinkies before delivering them to stores. What, because otherwise they’d only last five or six decades, tops?

Post-Wimbledon headline from the U.K Telegraph today: “The most painful wait in sport is over.” No response yet from Chopped Liver Stadium aka Wrigley Field.

Rick Perry says he will not run for a fourth term as Texas Governor Did someone just tell him women can vote?

An Amtrak train bound from New York to Miami was stuck on the tracks near Richmond, VA for 14 hours and passengers were not allowed to leave. Some complained of balky toilets and intermittent air conditioning. Is Amtrak trying to become travel partners with Carnival Cruise Lines?

LSU’s leading rusher Jeremy Hill was formally charged today with misdemeanor simple battery over an April bar fight. Apparently this could pose problems for the 2013 since Hill is on probation from a 2012 plea for “misdemeanor carnal knowledge of a juvenile.” The lengths some of these young men will go to prove they are NFL ready.

NY Jets coach Rex Ryan apparently joined the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday. Was Ryan trying to prove he could do something stupider than trusting Mark Sanchez?

(Says Alex Schubert,  “he was just excited because he knew that running involved feet.”)

Robert Kraft on Aaron Hernandez: “If any member of the New England Patriots organization is close enough to a murder investigation to actually get arrested – whether it be for obstruction of justice or the crime itself – it is too close to an unthinkable act for that person to be part of this organization going forward.” How much do we want to see Kraft interviewed this fall by new ESPN analyst Ray Lewis?

When Dwight Howard left for Houston, apparently Kobe Bryant stopped following him on Twitter. Seriously? Hard to imagine Kobe following anyone.