Posted tagged ‘Nemo jokes’

And the winner is?

February 10, 2013

You know you’re getting old when, it’s not that you don’t like the music on the Grammy awards, it’s that you have no idea who some of the acts are.

Singer Chris Brown says paparazzi caused him to crash his car into a wall in Beverly Hills Saturday night. Wonder how long it will be before Brown denies hitting the wall.

459,000 people are without power after Nemo. 459,040 when the NY Mets set their active roster after Spring Training.

Nemo snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot.

Northwestern has announced they will play 5 football games over the next several years at Wrigley Field. Said coach Pat Fitzgerald, “I don’t think anyone has ever had a bad day at Wrigley Field.” He clearly forgot about the guys wearing Cubs uniforms.

On Friday, USC fired their football offensive coordinator. Because nothing, ever is Lane Kiffin’s fault.

Tiger Woods has apparently been spending a lot of time with Lindsey Vonn since her skiing accident. Makes sense for Tiger, since Vonn is on crutches, there’s zero chance if it goes south that she can wield a golf club.

The Boston Red Sox announced that outfield prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg last month. The NRA immediately called for legs to be armed.

Ann Coulter is angry at PBS’s Mark Shields for calling her “The Marie Antoinette of the Conservative press corps.” She’s right. Shields should have called her their Louis XVI.

There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you’re a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away.

Lindsey Graham said today he’ll block Obama’s nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn’t provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham’s outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs?

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Miami Heat Sunday.   ABC could have probably gotten even more viewers if NBA basketball games had the possible outcome of both teams losing.

Former V.P Dick Cheney that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U.S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we’re not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration.

Three people died in a helicopter crash near Los Angeles while filming a reality show. Many Americans upon hearing the news had two reactions. 1. How horrible. 2. If it had to happen shame it wasn’t during a date on “The Bachelor.”

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Snow place like home.

February 9, 2013

The New York Knicks, in Minnesota tonight, and the Los Angeles Clippers, in Miami, may not be able to make it to New York in time for their nationally televised game on Sunday. So will David Stern try to fine Mother Nature?

Meanwhile Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking ‘Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014..”

(suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn’t seem so bad.)

 

The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling’s claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED’s in 2008 is “completely baseless.” Translation: Nobody put anything in writing.

Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling’s current relations with the Red Sox.

Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance.  While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they WOULD be removed from the gene pool before breeding.

Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell’s “Value Menu.”

NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman will pay over $1 million a year in alimony and child support to ex-wife. $1 million a year? For that, the Yankees could almost pay a month’s salary to a middling reliever.

There’s been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry – “thieves don’t want our phones.”.

You know it’s been a down year when Los Angeles Lakers fans are excited about a comeback against the Charlotte Bobcats.

Shawn Marion said that if the Dallas Mavericks trade him to a bad team he won’t go. Wouldn’t it be simpler in that case for Marion just to say he had a shoulder injury?

Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state’s health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that “the only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn’t benefit me personally.”

 

A report on the Sandusky case commissioned by the Paterno family will be released Sunday. According to Sue Paterno, the report will defend her late husband, and question both the Freeh report and the NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State. Even Lance Armstrong is thinking “Give it up already.”

Hal Steinbrenner said today he’s “concerned about A-Rod.” And millions of Yankees fans said “What took you so long?”

 

 

Condoleezza Rice hit a woman in the head with a shot during the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday. Who knew the former Secretary of State had aspirations to be Vice President?