Posted tagged ‘political jokes’

Scattered pictures.

May 24, 2015

As this Duggar family saga unfolds have to wonder…. if an African-American family, Christian or not, had tried to cash in on their fertility with a reality show, would they have been turned into Child Protective Services just for having 19 children.

Roger Federer was upset by a selfie-seeking fan who accosted him on the court after his French Open match today. The young man in question has been barred from the rest of the tournament. Really? So he can’t see a few more matches? You really want to cure this problem, tell fans if they jump on court for pictures, they and their camera may be used for as targets for serving practice.

 

Sad to read of the death of Nobel prize winner and “A Beautiful Mind” subject John Nash and his wife in a taxi accident. But you would think someone as brilliant as he was on game theory etc would also have calculated the odds and put on a seatbelt.

Many viewers just tune into the ‪#‎Indy500‬ for the wrecks. Which is actually the same reason most viewers watch ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬

 

Nine brains were found on a street near train tracks in a village in northern New York village. Hmm, so how many GOP candidates have declared for the Presidency in 2016?

Some say jockeys aren’t athletes. But thinking it takes more skill to win riding an animal with a mind of its own compared to riding in an expensive high-powered well-tuned car. ‪#‎Indy500‬ ‪#‎TripleCrown‬

 

So today there was a two hour rain delay in Denver today for the Rockies- Giants game. During which time IT DID NOT RAIN.

 

Although in four games this weekend at Coos Field there was a total of over 7 hours of delays,   ‪#‎sowhodecidedtobuildtheColoradoballparkwithnoroofanyway‬?

The SF Giants have DFA’ed Casey McGehee. So congrats to all those who had May 24 in the pool.

 

Best news for most baseball fans about the Yankees’ fourth appearance (and loss) tonight on Sunday Night Baseball against the Rangers. ESPN is contractually obligated not to show any one team more than six Sunday Night games. ‪#‎twomoretogo‬

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Lost Angeles?

November 10, 2014

So much for the ‪#‎Lakers‬’  perfect season.

 

And Charles Barkley’s favorite restaurants are now going “Our long national nightmare is over.”

 

Even ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans feel sorry for ‪#‎Bears‬ fans tonight. ‪#‎GBvsChi‬

T.C.  (from British Columbia) suggests that most Americans turned off the Packers-Bears rout at half-time. Those who didn’t, who weren’t Green Bay fans, probably thought they had accidentally turned on a replay of a SEC game vs. a nonconference opponent.

In a crazy world small signs of stability can be a good thing. To that end the Oakland Raiders are doing their part to be the one ‪#‎NFL‬ team that consistently sucks.

Mark Cuban mused that the Oklahoma Thunder at this point might be better off tanking the season in a “race to the bottom”. And the Raiders are thinking. “Well, that’s one NFL race we’ve won.”

Many thought the 49ers’ Aldon Smith would have his suspension reduced. This didn’t happen, reportedly because he didn’t do all his “counseling protocol.” So much for all those who say it doesn’t matter if athletes learn to go to class. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

Not sure if the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, but after the “Hail Mary” offensive pass interference penalty he drew on Jimmy Graham,  CB Perrish Cox has reportedly been offered a tryout by several professional soccer teams.

If football games were 58 minutes long ‪#‎Saints‬ would be midseason favorites to win ‪#‎superbowl‬. ‪#‎SFvsNO‬ ‪#‎cantfinish‬

Freed missionary Kenneth Bae, back in the U.S. from North Korea, said “It’s been an amazing two years, I learned a lot.” Like maybe not to lead tour groups to North Korea?

Arctic temperature will reach across much of the U.S. this week, with even a chance of snow in D.C. Proving some were right when they said hell would freeze over before we’d see a GOP landslide this year.

One last thought on last Tuesday’s election. Whatever you think of President Obama’s candidates from both parties tried to hard to distance themselves from him. voters may well have figured at least they’d go for the honest ones.

Label notation of the year award:  “May have been processed on equipment that was also used to process nuts.”   On a jar of peanut butter.

 

Shades of what?

July 29, 2014

Rand Paul, at the Urban League in Cincinnati, claimed solidarity with minorities because you can be unjustly accused “because of the color of your skin, or the shade of your ideology.” Can we title this speech “Fifty Shades of Stupid”?

Tweet from Drew Brees “On Friday I said I thought I could play til age 45. I have been “randomly” selected for drug tests the last 2 days. What’s up with that! Lol.” Wonder if the NFL was testing him for PED’s or hallucinogens?

NFL VP of Policy Adolpho Birch defending Ray Rice’s two game suspension. “So in terms of sending a message about what the league stands for, we’ve done that.” Yep. They have. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

 

Cowboys GM Jerry Jones says now that he almost drafted Johnny Manziel. But maybe he decided that there wasn’t room at A T & T Stadium for both their egos?

New NY Giants QB coach Danny Langsdorf thinks Eli Manning could complete 70 percent of his passes in 2014. In related news, the NY Mets are printing playoff tickets.

 

A judge ruled today that Shelly Sterling can go ahead with the sale of the Clippers. Which means the nightmare is over. And if you believe that, the Brooklyn Bridge is on a Macy’s One Day Sale tomorrow.

Stephen A Smith made yet another apology for his domestic violence comments last week. Better, although taped but not live. Here’s a suggestion for the ESPN commentator in future. Want not to “provoke?” Stick to sports and otherwise STFU.


 

Near Tampa, a pregnant woman was shot in the head and died, along with the baby she was carrying. Apparently it was an accident when a friend was showing her and her husband his gun collection. If only the fetus had been armed.

Dollar Tree is buying their competitor Family Dollar Stores. Assume that means they will immediately raise all prices to two dollars.

Seven members of U.S. Congress are trying to broker a deal between Time Warner Cable and other cable channels so that 70% of the LA market that is currently blacked out can see Dodger games. Where’s the outrage from anti-government Southern California conservatives?

 

An auction house expects an autographed 2012 game-used Texas A & M jersey from Johnny Manziel will go for at least $100,000. And a good thing too. Now that A & M is in the SEC they need the money to pay future players.

Do you feel a draft?

May 8, 2014

The NFL Draft coverage almost, repeat almost, made me feel sorry for Johnny Manziel.

 

And now the question of the night regarding Johnny Manziel. Is there anywhere to get into trouble in Cleveland?

The Houston Texans drafted Jadeveon Clowney #1 Could be a good fit. Texas doesn’t really have a speed limit. #NFLDraft

All these coaches and GMs post-draft.  “We got the player we valued/wanted…”  As if any of them will say “Actually the guy we really bleeping wanted was taken just before our pick but we did the best we could….

From Bill Littlejohn   “Three players from Texas A&M were drafted in the first round.So Aggie recruiters should have plenty of salary cap room for the next class”

A Seattle radio station will now start referring to the Santa Clara 49ers. Assume they will also refer to the East Rutherford Jets and Giants, and the Arlington Cowboys?

Charles Krauthammer said climate change is a “superstition,” and dismissed the scientific consensus – “I’m not impressed by numbers.” Ah yeah, math, along with science, one of those commie pinko concepts.

(My friend Jon N. adds, “Unless he agrees with the numbers, in which case they’re irrefutable.)

In the Single A Midwest League, the Burlington Bees were leading the Clinton LumberKings after five innings. Clinton won 20-17 in 12. On a brighter note assume some of those Burlington relievers have already been offered jobs in the Mets bullpen.

Crooks are stupid item of the day: An Oregon bank robber was arrested after police traced him from the note he had written on the back of a grocery receipt, which had four digits of his food stamp account on it. Well, the guy will be off food stamps, but still living off government funds for a while…

President Obama on a trip to Silicon Valley has one event at…. Walmart? Maybe it’s just a plot to make heads at Fox News explode.

Lee Marshall, one of the voices of Tony the Tiger, has died at the age of 64. So assume somewhere near the pearly gates St. Peter is practicing his “GRRRR-EAT to see you?”

 

A bill to require anti-theft “kill switches” on cellphones sold in California just passed the state Senate. Of course, a sure anti-theft precaution remains “Carry a Blackberry.” (No one but us dinosaurs want them )

 

So the Republicans want to have yet another committee investigate Benghazi. While we’re on the subject of past American deaths, how about convening something to investigate what happened to all those 2001 CIA warnings in 2001 including the memo saying “Bin Laden determined to strike in United States.”?

In California, a former Assemblywoman named Mary Hiyashi is running for State Senate, although she is still on probation after pleading no contest to shoplifting $2400 worth of clothes in 2011. Well, maybe there’s something to getting your convictions out of the way BEFORE being elected.

Richard Sherman says he doesn’t think NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would have banned an owner for the kind of comments Donald Sterling made. But hey, Goodell surely would have been sure to fine the Clippers for their inside-out uniform violation.

 

In a newly released audio recording, Donald Sterling is heard yelling “You know I’m not a racist!” to an unidentified listener. Wonder how much he had to pay last week to find someone to make the tape?

Can you hear me now?

November 4, 2013

In a recent survey, only 9.1% of men said they have ever paid for or received payment for sex, down from 17% in the 1990s. Which means either men have found alternatives to prostitution, or they think the NSA might be monitoring their phone calls.

U.S. Rep Mike Michaud of Maine, who is running for Governor, announced Monday he’s gay. The coolest thing, it wasn’t even much of a national headline. #progress

So why do stores have Christmas merchandise up as soon as Halloween is over? Presumably because people don’t buy much Thanksgiving merchandise.

Just maybe a sign that we have too many lawyers? A sign on Starbucks’ Banana Pecan Walnut Cake: “These products may contain nuts and other allergens.”

John Boehner says he opposes ENDA, which would prohibit discrimination against gay and lesbian employees in the workplace, saying it possibly could put a financial burden on businesses. Which means the bill may never see the House floor. Maybe supporters could get the speaker to put it to a vote if they added a provision prohibiting discrimination against orange people.

Despite Nick Foles’ 7 TD performance against the Oakland Raiders, Eagles coach Chip Kelly will not name him the team’s #1 QB. Guess Kelly wants to see how Foles performs against a professional defense?

Baja Fresh says they are celebrating “Men’s Health Month” with a coupon for free guacamole and chips with any order in November. Right, because nothing says “Men’s Health” like eating an entire order of guacamole and chips with your tacos or burritos.

I admired Charlie Crist when he was a Republican, now he’s running for for Governor as a Democrat, with the slogan “Together, we can get Florida back to common sense.” And they say politicians don’t dream really big anymore.

In California, the Tea Party’s Tim Donnelly will announce his run for Governor tomorrow. And Jerry Brown is thinking “Christmas is coming early.”

(Donnelly btw, originally founded the Minutemen Party in California, and was caught last year at TSA with a gun in his carry-on.  For which he did not have a permit…)

A Michigan woman who dressed up as a Boston Marathon bombing victim on Halloween, posted the picture online and wore it TO WORK, has apparently lost her job. Presumably not just for her tastelessness but her stupidity.

Another day, another QB injury, this time Aaron Rodgers…. And yes, Tim Tebow, apparently you ARE chopped liver.

So we may not ever know exactly what happened, but now the Miami Dolphins have suspended guard Richie Incognito late Sunday over “misconduct”related to the treatment of teammate Jonathan Martin. Great, as if concussions aren’t enough, another reason not to want your kids to play football.

Glad the Miami Dolphins finally took a belated stand against what appears to have been over-the-top behavior by Incognito. Scary thing, is that just as with the Saints and the bounty program, do we really think that football just had one bad actor?

Keep thinking about this Richie Incognito case. If he was that abusive to a 300 lb teammate, how did he treat, for example, the women in his life?

And while bullying isn’t really funny, couldn’t resist this from my Chicago-born friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Apparently bullying is not unusual in pro sports. Just in the World Series, the Boston Red Sox taunted the St.  Louis Cardinals from the dugout by saying they played like a bunch of Chicago Cubs.”

Not enough millions to buy a clue?

May 21, 2013

Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.

 

The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.

 

 

A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.

 

New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

Wurst joke alert.

February 28, 2013

Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.

A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?

Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.

A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?

54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.

Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.

The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”

Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?

Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss  – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night?  Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.

Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?

As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.

Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”

Better line from my friend Todd Harris,  “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”