Posted tagged ‘political jokes’

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Scattered pictures.

May 24, 2015

As this Duggar family saga unfolds have to wonder…. if an African-American family, Christian or not, had tried to cash in on their fertility with a reality show, would they have been turned into Child Protective Services just for having 19 children.

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Roger Federer was upset by a selfie-seeking fan who accosted him on the court after his French Open match today. The young man in question has been barred from the rest of the tournament. Really? So he can’t see a few more matches? You really want to cure this problem, tell fans if they jump on court for pictures, they and their camera may be used for as targets for serving practice.

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Sad to read of the death of Nobel prize winner and “A Beautiful Mind” subject John Nash and his wife in a taxi accident. But you would think someone as brilliant as he was on game theory etc would also have calculated the odds and put on a seatbelt.

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Many viewers just tune into the ‪#‎Indy500‬ for the wrecks. Which is actually the same reason most viewers watch ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬

 

Nine brains were found on a street near train tracks in a village in northern New York village. Hmm, so how many GOP candidates have declared for the Presidency in 2016?

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Some say jockeys aren’t athletes. But thinking it takes more skill to win riding an animal with a mind of its own compared to riding in an expensive high-powered well-tuned car. ‪#‎Indy500‬ ‪#‎TripleCrown‬

 

So today there was a two hour rain delay in Denver today for the Rockies- Giants game. During which time IT DID NOT RAIN.

 

Although in four games this weekend at Coos Field there was a total of over 7 hours of delays,   ‪#‎sowhodecidedtobuildtheColoradoballparkwithnoroofanyway‬?

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The SF Giants have DFA’ed Casey McGehee. So congrats to all those who had May 24 in the pool.

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Best news for most baseball fans about the Yankees’ fourth appearance (and loss) tonight on Sunday Night Baseball against the Rangers. ESPN is contractually obligated not to show any one team more than six Sunday Night games. ‪#‎twomoretogo‬

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Lost Angeles?

November 10, 2014

So much for the ‪#‎Lakers‬’  perfect season.

 

And Charles Barkley’s favorite restaurants are now going “Our long national nightmare is over.”

 

Even ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans feel sorry for ‪#‎Bears‬ fans tonight. ‪#‎GBvsChi‬

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T.C.  (from British Columbia) suggests that most Americans turned off the Packers-Bears rout at half-time. Those who didn’t, who weren’t Green Bay fans, probably thought they had accidentally turned on a replay of a SEC game vs. a nonconference opponent.

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In a crazy world small signs of stability can be a good thing. To that end the Oakland Raiders are doing their part to be the one ‪#‎NFL‬ team that consistently sucks.

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Mark Cuban mused that the Oklahoma Thunder at this point might be better off tanking the season in a “race to the bottom”. And the Raiders are thinking. “Well, that’s one NFL race we’ve won.”

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Many thought the 49ers’ Aldon Smith would have his suspension reduced. This didn’t happen, reportedly because he didn’t do all his “counseling protocol.” So much for all those who say it doesn’t matter if athletes learn to go to class. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

Not sure if the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, but after the “Hail Mary” offensive pass interference penalty he drew on Jimmy Graham,  CB Perrish Cox has reportedly been offered a tryout by several professional soccer teams.

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If football games were 58 minutes long ‪#‎Saints‬ would be midseason favorites to win ‪#‎superbowl‬. ‪#‎SFvsNO‬ ‪#‎cantfinish‬

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Freed missionary Kenneth Bae, back in the U.S. from North Korea, said “It’s been an amazing two years, I learned a lot.” Like maybe not to lead tour groups to North Korea?

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Arctic temperature will reach across much of the U.S. this week, with even a chance of snow in D.C. Proving some were right when they said hell would freeze over before we’d see a GOP landslide this year.

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One last thought on last Tuesday’s election. Whatever you think of President Obama’s candidates from both parties tried to hard to distance themselves from him. voters may well have figured at least they’d go for the honest ones.

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Label notation of the year award:  “May have been processed on equipment that was also used to process nuts.”   On a jar of peanut butter.

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Shades of what?

July 29, 2014

Rand Paul, at the Urban League in Cincinnati, claimed solidarity with minorities because you can be unjustly accused “because of the color of your skin, or the shade of your ideology.” Can we title this speech “Fifty Shades of Stupid”?

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Tweet from Drew Brees “On Friday I said I thought I could play til age 45. I have been “randomly” selected for drug tests the last 2 days. What’s up with that! Lol.” Wonder if the NFL was testing him for PED’s or hallucinogens?

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NFL VP of Policy Adolpho Birch defending Ray Rice’s two game suspension. “So in terms of sending a message about what the league stands for, we’ve done that.” Yep. They have. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

 

Cowboys GM Jerry Jones says now that he almost drafted Johnny Manziel. But maybe he decided that there wasn’t room at A T & T Stadium for both their egos?

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New NY Giants QB coach Danny Langsdorf thinks Eli Manning could complete 70 percent of his passes in 2014. In related news, the NY Mets are printing playoff tickets.

 

A judge ruled today that Shelly Sterling can go ahead with the sale of the Clippers. Which means the nightmare is over. And if you believe that, the Brooklyn Bridge is on a Macy’s One Day Sale tomorrow.

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Stephen A Smith made yet another apology for his domestic violence comments last week. Better, although taped but not live. Here’s a suggestion for the ESPN commentator in future. Want not to “provoke?” Stick to sports and otherwise STFU.

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Near Tampa, a pregnant woman was shot in the head and died, along with the baby she was carrying. Apparently it was an accident when a friend was showing her and her husband his gun collection. If only the fetus had been armed.

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Dollar Tree is buying their competitor Family Dollar Stores. Assume that means they will immediately raise all prices to two dollars.

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Seven members of U.S. Congress are trying to broker a deal between Time Warner Cable and other cable channels so that 70% of the LA market that is currently blacked out can see Dodger games. Where’s the outrage from anti-government Southern California conservatives?

 

An auction house expects an autographed 2012 game-used Texas A & M jersey from Johnny Manziel will go for at least $100,000. And a good thing too. Now that A & M is in the SEC they need the money to pay future players.

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Do you feel a draft?

May 8, 2014

The NFL Draft coverage almost, repeat almost, made me feel sorry for Johnny Manziel.

 

And now the question of the night regarding Johnny Manziel. Is there anywhere to get into trouble in Cleveland?

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The Houston Texans drafted Jadeveon Clowney #1 Could be a good fit. Texas doesn’t really have a speed limit. #NFLDraft

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All these coaches and GMs post-draft.  “We got the player we valued/wanted…”  As if any of them will say “Actually the guy we really bleeping wanted was taken just before our pick but we did the best we could….

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From Bill Littlejohn   “Three players from Texas A&M were drafted in the first round.So Aggie recruiters should have plenty of salary cap room for the next class”

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A Seattle radio station will now start referring to the Santa Clara 49ers. Assume they will also refer to the East Rutherford Jets and Giants, and the Arlington Cowboys?

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Charles Krauthammer said climate change is a “superstition,” and dismissed the scientific consensus – “I’m not impressed by numbers.” Ah yeah, math, along with science, one of those commie pinko concepts.

(My friend Jon N. adds, “Unless he agrees with the numbers, in which case they’re irrefutable.)

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In the Single A Midwest League, the Burlington Bees were leading the Clinton LumberKings after five innings. Clinton won 20-17 in 12. On a brighter note assume some of those Burlington relievers have already been offered jobs in the Mets bullpen.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: An Oregon bank robber was arrested after police traced him from the note he had written on the back of a grocery receipt, which had four digits of his food stamp account on it. Well, the guy will be off food stamps, but still living off government funds for a while…

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President Obama on a trip to Silicon Valley has one event at…. Walmart? Maybe it’s just a plot to make heads at Fox News explode.

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Lee Marshall, one of the voices of Tony the Tiger, has died at the age of 64. So assume somewhere near the pearly gates St. Peter is practicing his “GRRRR-EAT to see you?”

 

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A bill to require anti-theft “kill switches” on cellphones sold in California just passed the state Senate. Of course, a sure anti-theft precaution remains “Carry a Blackberry.” (No one but us dinosaurs want them )

 

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So the Republicans want to have yet another committee investigate Benghazi. While we’re on the subject of past American deaths, how about convening something to investigate what happened to all those 2001 CIA warnings in 2001 including the memo saying “Bin Laden determined to strike in United States.”?

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In California, a former Assemblywoman named Mary Hiyashi is running for State Senate, although she is still on probation after pleading no contest to shoplifting $2400 worth of clothes in 2011. Well, maybe there’s something to getting your convictions out of the way BEFORE being elected.

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Richard Sherman says he doesn’t think NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would have banned an owner for the kind of comments Donald Sterling made. But hey, Goodell surely would have been sure to fine the Clippers for their inside-out uniform violation.

 

In a newly released audio recording, Donald Sterling is heard yelling “You know I’m not a racist!” to an unidentified listener. Wonder how much he had to pay last week to find someone to make the tape?

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Can you hear me now?

November 4, 2013

In a recent survey, only 9.1% of men said they have ever paid for or received payment for sex, down from 17% in the 1990s. Which means either men have found alternatives to prostitution, or they think the NSA might be monitoring their phone calls.

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U.S. Rep Mike Michaud of Maine, who is running for Governor, announced Monday he’s gay. The coolest thing, it wasn’t even much of a national headline. #progress

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So why do stores have Christmas merchandise up as soon as Halloween is over? Presumably because people don’t buy much Thanksgiving merchandise.

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Just maybe a sign that we have too many lawyers? A sign on Starbucks’ Banana Pecan Walnut Cake: “These products may contain nuts and other allergens.”

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John Boehner says he opposes ENDA, which would prohibit discrimination against gay and lesbian employees in the workplace, saying it possibly could put a financial burden on businesses. Which means the bill may never see the House floor. Maybe supporters could get the speaker to put it to a vote if they added a provision prohibiting discrimination against orange people.

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Despite Nick Foles’ 7 TD performance against the Oakland Raiders, Eagles coach Chip Kelly will not name him the team’s #1 QB. Guess Kelly wants to see how Foles performs against a professional defense?

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Baja Fresh says they are celebrating “Men’s Health Month” with a coupon for free guacamole and chips with any order in November. Right, because nothing says “Men’s Health” like eating an entire order of guacamole and chips with your tacos or burritos.

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I admired Charlie Crist when he was a Republican, now he’s running for for Governor as a Democrat, with the slogan “Together, we can get Florida back to common sense.” And they say politicians don’t dream really big anymore.

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In California, the Tea Party’s Tim Donnelly will announce his run for Governor tomorrow. And Jerry Brown is thinking “Christmas is coming early.”

(Donnelly btw, originally founded the Minutemen Party in California, and was caught last year at TSA with a gun in his carry-on.  For which he did not have a permit…)

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A Michigan woman who dressed up as a Boston Marathon bombing victim on Halloween, posted the picture online and wore it TO WORK, has apparently lost her job. Presumably not just for her tastelessness but her stupidity.

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Another day, another QB injury, this time Aaron Rodgers…. And yes, Tim Tebow, apparently you ARE chopped liver.

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So we may not ever know exactly what happened, but now the Miami Dolphins have suspended guard Richie Incognito late Sunday over “misconduct”related to the treatment of teammate Jonathan Martin. Great, as if concussions aren’t enough, another reason not to want your kids to play football.

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Glad the Miami Dolphins finally took a belated stand against what appears to have been over-the-top behavior by Incognito. Scary thing, is that just as with the Saints and the bounty program, do we really think that football just had one bad actor?

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Keep thinking about this Richie Incognito case. If he was that abusive to a 300 lb teammate, how did he treat, for example, the women in his life?

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And while bullying isn’t really funny, couldn’t resist this from my Chicago-born friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Apparently bullying is not unusual in pro sports. Just in the World Series, the Boston Red Sox taunted the St.  Louis Cardinals from the dugout by saying they played like a bunch of Chicago Cubs.”

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Not enough millions to buy a clue?

May 21, 2013

Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

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Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

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Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

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Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

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A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

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From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.

 

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The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

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Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

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Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.

 

 

A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

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Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.

 

New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

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As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

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Wurst joke alert.

February 28, 2013

Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.

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A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?

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Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.

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A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?

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54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.

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Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”

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Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?

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Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss  – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night?  Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.

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Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?

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As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.

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Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”

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Better line from my friend Todd Harris,  “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”

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And the winner is?

February 10, 2013

You know you’re getting old when, it’s not that you don’t like the music on the Grammy awards, it’s that you have no idea who some of the acts are.

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Singer Chris Brown says paparazzi caused him to crash his car into a wall in Beverly Hills Saturday night. Wonder how long it will be before Brown denies hitting the wall.

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459,000 people are without power after Nemo. 459,040 when the NY Mets set their active roster after Spring Training.

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Nemo snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot.

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Northwestern has announced they will play 5 football games over the next several years at Wrigley Field. Said coach Pat Fitzgerald, “I don’t think anyone has ever had a bad day at Wrigley Field.” He clearly forgot about the guys wearing Cubs uniforms.

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On Friday, USC fired their football offensive coordinator. Because nothing, ever is Lane Kiffin’s fault.

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Tiger Woods has apparently been spending a lot of time with Lindsey Vonn since her skiing accident. Makes sense for Tiger, since Vonn is on crutches, there’s zero chance if it goes south that she can wield a golf club.

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The Boston Red Sox announced that outfield prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg last month. The NRA immediately called for legs to be armed.

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Ann Coulter is angry at PBS’s Mark Shields for calling her “The Marie Antoinette of the Conservative press corps.” She’s right. Shields should have called her their Louis XVI.

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There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you’re a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away.

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Lindsey Graham said today he’ll block Obama’s nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn’t provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham’s outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs?

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Los Angeles Lakers vs. Miami Heat Sunday.   ABC could have probably gotten even more viewers if NBA basketball games had the possible outcome of both teams losing.

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Former V.P Dick Cheney that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U.S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we’re not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration.

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Three people died in a helicopter crash near Los Angeles while filming a reality show. Many Americans upon hearing the news had two reactions. 1. How horrible. 2. If it had to happen shame it wasn’t during a date on “The Bachelor.”

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Morning after:

May 7, 2012

May 5 was Cinco de Mayo. May 6 for many Americans was “I’m never drinking tequila again” day.

 

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Talk about the worst of times and the best of times: Baltimore DH Chris Davis went 0-8 at the plate today, then came in and pitched a scoreless 17th to get the win for the Orioles over the Boston Red Sox today.

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Albert Pujols finally got his first home run in the AL. The Angels hope they each don’t end up as expensive as Zito’s wins have been for the Giants.

 

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A former asst vice chancellor at UC Berkeley, has been fired after doubling the salary of her male subordinate,  17 years younger than she was, during their 15-month affair.    Well, I guess equality in the workplace does mean the opportunity for women to be as stupid as men.

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George Lindsey, who played Goober Pyle on “The Andy Griffith Show,” has died. Okay, wonder who in heaven is getting that talking dog ready.

 

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Men’s Health magazine has listed the “Smuttiest Cities in America,” based on the number of adult-entertainment stores and the rate of internet porn searches. And #1 is — Orlando. Well, guess dads have to do something after those long days at Disney World.

 

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Apparently the National Christmas Tree located on the White House lawn has died. Waiting for the first Republican to blame Obama. Or at least Bo.

(As my friend Ian says,  just proves what they’ve been saying, ” Obama hates Christmas.”)

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“Were Ronald Reagan in office today, some Republicans would start looking for a ‘real’ conservative to challenge him in a primary.” Another quote from a liberal, right? Well actually former GOP governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Chipper Jones, 40, is mad at Jamie Moyer, 49, for accusing him of stealing signs. I guess this episode is baseball’s version of “Grumpy Old Men.”

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Charles Barkley, referring to Mitt Romney “We’re going to beat you like a drum in Nov. Don’t take it personally. You seem like a nice guy, but you’re going down, bro.” Sir Charles may or may not be right, but it’s probably the first time anyone has referred to Mitt Romney as “bro.”

 

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Finally, Bill Littlejohn, on Jared Weaver breaking a tradition of not leaving your teammates during a possible no-hit bid by going to the bathroom in the eighth inning: “Thus, this becomes the first no-hitter ever pitched in relief.”

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Scariest place in the world?

September 8, 2011

Just might be in a room standing between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and the only blow dryer.

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Tonight’s GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight’s crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal.

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Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens’ hairdressers.

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Didn’t we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife.

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Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it.

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I admit Nancy Pelosi looks like she overdosed on Botox. But Michele Bachman, who is 55, isn’t far behind.

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And in all the potential bets and drinking games, who had Rick Perry praising former Massachusetts Governor Dukakis – telling Romney that “Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,”

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The White House doesn’t release information on the President’s television viewing habits, but seems likely that if Obama was sitting down watching the debate, he had more fun tonight than he has in months.

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Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12.

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Is this really the best headline they could have written – on the CNN political ticker? “Christie gets big job.”

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Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton said he was surprised to get a phone call this week from Michael Vick. Surprised I guess because he figured Vick would have called his dad.

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In San Jose, California, police officers cited three women working in a Vietnamese coffee shop who they said were serving patrons while topless. Sort of puts a new spin on “short,” “extra hot,” and “grande.”

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‎32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s

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Justin Verlander won his 22nd game today, despite giving up 4 earned runs in 6 innings, as the Tigers beat the Indians 8-6. SF Giants management immediately faxed weather reports on average summer temperatures and humidity in Detroit to their entire starting pitching staff.

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The Florida Marlins’ new stadium, scheduled to open in 2012, is 80 percent completed. The team is so excited they are considering offering a sneak preview tour to both season ticket holders.

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The SEC voted to accept Texas A&M, but the deal won’t be official until all Big 12 schools have promised not to take legal action. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when the drama in college football was actually on the field.

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Travel example in the “You can’t make this stuff up” category: A client asked me to find a hotel near her boss’s meeting in New York. Said sure, but where was the meeting? She gave me the address on Broadway, then added “It’s on the 17th floor.”

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From Augie, in response to my post saying that W. asked Cheney what a “mea culpa” was.

He thinks that Cheney responded “Mea culpa runneth over with your stupid questions.”

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Hitting the ceiling.

August 3, 2011

Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

Really? Doesn’t that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? (Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)

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The San Francisco Giants have now lost five straight – Tuesday night 6 to 1- and haven’t scored four runs in over a week.

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Showtime is doing a series on the team called the Franchise.

Wonder how long it will take someone to do a movie on the Giants’ lineup? It will be a remake of “Eight Men Out.”
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(Or maybe “Eight Men Out” is the Jeopardy answer to the question. What usually happens when the Giants position players each have a turn at bat with runners in scoring position?)

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The San Francisco Giants seem to have accomplished the impossible. Take a weak hitting team, add two .300 hitters(Beltran and Keppinger), and start hitting…worse?

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Barry Zito is now back on the Disabled List for the San Francisco Giants. “Disabled?” Actually the NFL has a better list title for players in his condition: “Physically Unable to Perform.”

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Any truth to the rumors that as Congress left town they let out a collective cry of “Winning?!”

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Congress went right from the debt bill to summer recess. Without addressing the FAA issue which has resulted in domestic air taxes (and thus funding for air travel projects) lapsing. United Airlines celebrated today by raising international airfares $40.00. You’d think if Congress really wanted higher approval ratings they would get together on re-regulating the airlines.

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Meanwhile, Colorado Rep. Doug Lamborn apologized for calling President Obama a “tar baby.” and said he “absolutely intended no offense.” Really? With the term “tar baby?” This settles it. Lamborn is either a liar or an idiot.

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A New Jersey politician (who at least has been separated from his wife for two years) is under fire since nude pictures he sent to a woman he was flirting with online showed up on the internet. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying, “Thank heaven it wasn’t Chris Christie.”

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Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office.

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from Gary Morton:

After signing legislation to raise the debt ceiling, the President saw the stock market plunge 266 points. Guess they should have been working on the debt basement.

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Now playing in New York – “Guys and guys” and “dolls and dolls.”

June 25, 2011

The New York GOP controlled Senate voted Friday night to legalize gay marriage, and Governor Cuomo signed the bill into law:

So will Billy Crystal make a second movie  “When Harry met Sal?

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Dirk Nowitzki threw out  the ceremonial first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ game Friday night. Rumor has it the Florida Marlins were thinking of having Lebron James throw out the first pitch at a game too. But they’re afraid the ball will only make it three-quarters of the way to the plate.

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R.I.P. Columbo (Peter Falk.) In his honor, all trenchcoats may be worn at half-mast.

Alex Kaseberg wonders if his last words to the nurse were “Sorry to bother you maam, one more thing…”

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Texas Governor Rick Perry is edging closer to a run for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2012. As soon as he figures out one little problem. How do you campaign for President and talk about your state’s secession at the same time?

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Tennis riddle of the day:  What do you call an American man in the finals at Wimbledon? A spectator.

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Commie pinko time for the next two below:

In an anti-abortion speech, Michelle Bachmann applauded the fact that at least six Minnesota Planned Parenthood clinics were closing due to federal budget cuts? So let’s see, the objective is to limit abortions, and she thinks it will help to limit lower-income people’s access to birth control?

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Well, we’ve finally found a way of curing many GOP members of Congress from always wanting to take military action in other countries. Have a Democratic president authorize the operation.

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So after settling their 2004 lawsuit in 2008, then deciding not to take their rejected followup suit to the U.S. Supreme Court, the Winklevoss twins are now going after Facebook with new lititgation in Massachusetts. Even Brett Favre is saying “Guys, give it up already.’

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Just once when you’re sitting on hold forever with an airline, instead of hearing “Due to higher than normal call volume you may experience extended hold times”, it would be nice to hear something a little more truthful. Like “Due to the fact we want to minimize salary costs we have decided to under staff our phone lines in hopes you will give up and go to our website.

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Yesterday’s – “Herman Cain said that Jon Stewart was ‘attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.'”  

Said Augie “Responded Sarah Palin, what color is stupid?”

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Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

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Threat levels

January 27, 2011

The U.S. Government will be getting rid of the color coded threat-level warnings. Apparently John Boehner felt that it was racial profiling to refer to threat level “Orange.”.

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Jimmy Buffett has been hospitalized in stable condition after falling off a stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia. No word on what triggered the fall, maybe he was searching for his lost shaker of salt?

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127 hours” was a semi-surprise nomination for Best Picture. Let’s hope it’s also not the length of this year’s Oscar telecast.

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that if there is a work stoppage he will cut his $10 million salary to $1. Of course, he didn’t add that if the owners break the Players union they will give him a $20 million bonus.

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A recent Danish study involving over 300,00 women found that having an abortion does not increase the risk of mental health problems, but having a baby does. Especially when that baby grows up to be a teenager.

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You cannot make this stuff up department: A travel client who probably flies 50,000 miles a year asked me for a nonstop flight from San Francisco to D.C. But she added, if it were cheaper, she would take a connection, as long as it departed and arrived at about the same times.

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Interior Secretary Ken Salazar was not at the State of the Union address last night, but denied rumors that saying he was planning to leave his post.  Apparently he just couldn’t get a date.

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So after all these SOTU “dates” last night, here’s the real question in Washington: which of these dates will result in a rose?

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from Marc Ragovin:  It was so refreshing to see that spirit of bipartisanship at the State of the Union. Indicted felons were sitting next to paroled felons.

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And this commie pinko quote was passed on to me by Erin Grove.

“Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is of course a tiny splinter group that believes you can do these things. …Their number is negligible and they are stupid.”

Who said it?  Former president Dwight David Eisenhower.

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By comparison..

September 15, 2010

Bill Clinton says a lot of the GOP candidates this year make George W. Bush look like a liberal. A liberal? Heck, a lot of them make W. look like an intellectual.

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Christine O’Donnell, who won the Republican primary in Delaware, has talked about enemies, (both Democrats and Republicans) who follow her and hide in her bushes,” making it necessary for her to have a second secret real address. Christine also said she would like to have the endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

Well, O’Donnell does believe in a vast left, right and center-wing conspiracy.

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Reggie Bush basically gave back his Heisman because he wasn’t in compliance with NCAA rules at the time he won it. Looking at all the past winners from Florida, Miami, Florida State, Texas, etc… if that’s the standard, the Heisman trust had better clean out a storeroom for used trophies.

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Another thought regarding Bush giving up his Heisman: considering all the other recipients from schools with less than squeaky-clean programs (Vinny Testaverde from Miami, for example), not to mention the various infractions from other winners, why don’t they just slap an asterisk on the trophy and be done with it?

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From Gary Morton on the same subject — Within a couple of months, Reggie Bush has lost a Heisman and a Kardashian. One has a hand-made, bronze bust, and the other…ok, ok, they both do.
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With the depressed economic situation in Ohio, Senator Sherrod Brown is trying to get the NFL to lift the blackout rule so people can watch the Bengals and Browns home games on TV. But really, haven’t Ohioans suffered enough?

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Apparently the FCS (former Division 1-AA) has a .091 winning percent against the FBC (former Division 1-A) so far this college football season. Six wins out of 148 games.

Hey, it’s a higher winning percentage so far than the 49ers or Raiders.

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The game that might end up the most fun for those who love to do the chain of wins game was North Dakota State 6, Kansas 3. Because Kansas has already upset No. 15 Georgia Tech. So if Georgia Tech upsets someone, and that someone only has one loss….well you get the picture. North Dakota State could lay claim to being National Champions.

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Fruity loops?

September 9, 2010

Gov. Ed Rendell has referred to some of the more extreme Republicans running for office this year as “Fruit Loops.” This prompted an immediate demand for an apology. From Kellogg’s.

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A school named after Al Gore has apparently been built on toxic dirt. That’s like a school named after George W. Bush ending up with a world class library.

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Or a school named after Hillary Clinton being built on the site of a teddy bear factory?

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Nick O’Leary, a grandson of Jack Nicklaus and a top high school football recruit, was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards the stands after a recent game. O’Leary is apparently considering Alabama, Miami and Florida. But sounds like he might already be NFL ready.

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Meghan McCain now says she was so shocked by her father’s choice of Sarah Palin to be his running mate that she ended up crying on the bus. It was probably only a few weeks later that her dad ended up doing the same thing.

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An aide to Barbara Boxer was caught trying to “remove and conceal a sticky green substance” from his pocket while entering the Senate office building. The substance turned out to be marijuana and the aide has since resigned. Wonder if he will claim he thought it was gum?

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My friend Jim Barach said the aide may have been re-assigned to a joint committee.

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‎44 years ago this week, NBC aired the first episode of Star Trek, a series that actually only aired for three seasons, but nonetheless became a cultural icon. It was a show parents would tell their children about, if anyone who watched those first episodes actually married and reproduced.

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Former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln Wedsaid Wednesday, saying that it would be a mistake for voters to give in to “anger, apathy and amnesia.” And Sarah Palin replied “Just another example of Democrats using all those high-faluting foreign words.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:

“Pastor Terry Jones says that, despite calls from as high up as the White House to call it off, he plans on staging ‘International Burn-a-Quran Day’.Couldn’t he just settle on a LeBron James Cleveland jersey, instead?”

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Wholier than Now Foods?

March 29, 2010

Went into Whole Foods today to pick up one thing, and ended up with several items. And of course hadn’t brought a reusable bag. with me. Felt as out of place as a Prius owner with a McCain-Palin bumpersticker.

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And MAYBE it was just my imagination, but the look the checkers give you when you have to admit that you didn’t bring a bag with you… suffice it to say if they didn’t go to Jewish Mother guilt school, they took the correspondence course.

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Butler, West Virginia, Michigan State, Duke. At this point perfect final four brackets are scarcer than an African-American at a Tea Party rally.

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Watching the Blue Devils win to head back to the Final Four. Have to wonder…. where on Duke’s campus is that increasingly decrepit painting of Coach K. hidden?

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Giglish.com used this joke from a few months back as a “repeat joke” for Sunday, so I’ll repeat it here:

A 40 year old Ohio man has just achieved the first perfect score in the nearly thirty year history of the video game Pac-Man. His next challenge – going out on his first date.
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Love this line from Gloria Brantley-Reed: “Conversation is three women sitting together talking. Gossip is when one of them leaves.”

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Back to the Tea Party, and an open note to all activists. The original Boston Tea Party was about “taxation without representation” from Britain and the protesters’ right to be taxed only by representatives they had elected. Sorry folks, you may not like their decisions, but no foreign country elected congress.

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And finally, billionaire Steve Poizner is complaining about fellow billionaire Meg Whitman trying to buy the election because so far she is spending more millions than he is….

Brings to mind the story of the well-dressed man who approaches a lovely lady and asks if she will go to bed with him for $1,000,000? After she sizes him up, she finally says, $1 million, for real? Yes. I would do that.”

Then he asks “What about $50.” And she angrily retorts – “What kind of a woman do you think I am.”

And he replies “We’ve already settled that, now we’re just haggling price.”

Note to Poizner, on the subject of buying elections, you and Whitman are also just haggling price.

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Ducks in the Soup.

March 13, 2010

Oregon running back LaMichael James has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for a domestic violence charge. And quarterback Jeremiah Massoli has pled guilty to second-degree burglary. Plus several other Ducks have been involved in “police incidents” this winter, some of them with charges pending. With all the different uniforms the Oregon football team has, maybe it’s time for them to add one with stripes.

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Nike actually manufactures all the uniforms for the University of Oregon teams. So considering the all those incidents and arrests involving the Ducks, plus of course the Tiger Woods story, maybe the company should change their slogan.

How about “Just do it. Just don’t get caught?”

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Actually the problem might be taking that “Just Do It” a little too literally. Another idea. “Just Think Before You Just Do It?”

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From Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s point of view this is got to be interesting. Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Massoli has now been suspended for a year after pleading guilty to burglary charges. And USC’s status is still up in the air between the NCAA investigation and the arrival of Lane Kiffin. A few more scandals and Cardiinal could find themselves a frontrunner for the Rose Bowl.

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76 Gasoline is running a commercial about a hypothetical “Ticket Talker,” a phone app that will provide you with a number of excuses for getting out of a speeding ticket. But they forgot the easiest one “Officer, it’s a Toyota.”

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Even though Gavin Newsom is running for lieutenant governor, he still wishes that his name would be on the ballot this fall as the Democratic nominee for governor. You know what, so does Meg Whitman.

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From Bill Littlejohn again: The Amy Winehouse Clothing Collection is coming in the fall.The Personal Property Department at Scotland Yard apologized for the delay

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Utah House majority leader Kevin Garn has admitted that 25 years ago when he was 28, he was naked in a hot tub with a 15-year-old girl, and paid her to keep quiet about it. His fellow Republicans in the state can’t decide whether to be shocked, or just grateful that it was a girl.

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If you are thinking of higher office someday…

February 28, 2009

With all the recent political career derailments, thought I would do a helpful post on suggestions for those planning on a career in public service above the local level. Including cabinet positions.

If you are planning any indiscretions, do them while you are young. Note, young means 21 and under. Under 18 is better. 25 is marginal. 30 something, or 40 something, may be young at heart, but not in the court of public opinion.

Live your life as if EVERYONE you come in contact with has a cellphone camera. This is almost true anyway. Especially if you hang out with anyone under 60.

If you patronize an adult bookstore, a “gentlemans club” or anything similar, pay cash.

If possible, never end a relationship on bad terms. Especially if your ex has pictures. And if it’s a relationship you would prefer not to be public, this goes double.

Pay taxes. For anything over a lemonade stand. And maybe even then.

Pay taxes for anyone you hire. And employees count as a relationship. Don’t be the kind of boss with ex-employees feeling they need to get back at you. Because, if you become a public figure, they will.

In public restrooms, don’t adopt a wide stance.

And remember, friends may fade, but Facebook is forever.

Additional suggestions welcome. Remember the career you save may be your own.

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