Posted tagged ‘John Boehner jokes’

Progress and Congress.

October 16, 2013

Cory Booker won the U.S Senate seat in New Jersey tonight. Against a Republican who called him a “Hollywood stand-in” for President Obama. Alas for Steve Lonegan NJ voters apparently viewed him as a stand-in for Ted Cruz.

A new study found that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. The scary thing… what does that mean for treats that are made from real chocolate?

A flight from San Jose to Honolulu made an emergency stop in Oakland after a bird was sucked into an engine. Alaska Airlines reported no injuries. The bird, however, would disagree.

Brian Cashman’s former mistress is suing her psychiatrist for leaking medical information to the Yankees GM, which she claims to her arrest and incarceration for five months. Hmm, maybe we’ve found a possible woman who really deserves A-Rod.

Obama met briefly today with Miss America Nina Davuluri when she visited the White House with a group from the Children’s Miracle Network Hospital Champions. Presumably the President did so despite an offer to fill in during the shutdown from former President Clinton.

Staten Island Congressman Michael Grimm, who is single, is denying the story that he had a 17-minute sexual encounter with a woman in a wine bar bathroom. I don’t know… 17 minutes? Might raise his standing with female voters.

Ted Cruz decided not to block a vote on the Senate shutdown-debt ceiling deal. So has he decided he likes “Green Eggs & Ham?”

John Boehner may have accomplished the impossible – making Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell look like statesmen.

So regarding this Redskins controversy, we used to have the Washington Senators. In light of current events and current competence levels, why don’t we rename the football team the Washington House?

“Better to keep silent and be thought a fool” dept: Colts owner Jim Irsay said he was “frustrated” that his team won only one Super Bowl when Peyton Manning was there. Just the motivation Peyton needs for his next opponent… Indianapolis.

Peyton Manning in response to Colts’ owner Irsay’s complaint about them only having 1 ring. “I don’t have any answer for you on that, or any comment on any of that.” Two points on that: 1. Archie raised a classy son. 2. Broncos are 6-0, and the Colts 4-2. (No comment is a bit classier than “Suck it, Irsay.”)

What a relief for Fox announcers. With Pedroia’s single in 1st tonight, they didn’t need to spend most of #ALCS game 4 jinxing another #Tigers no-hitter.

If any men needed more explanation as to why females still adore Robert Redford, there’s was today’s CNN interview: Where the actor said that women and young people are the answer in Washington “Give them the reins. I think they can do better than we have.”

Orange Tuesday?

October 2, 2013

President Obama could end this showdown with Boehner today by issuing an executive order saying that due to the FDA inspector furloughs all tanning salons must be shut immediately.

I do hope Americans who support the Tea Party’s shutting down the government will show their solidarity by not using interstate highways, taking airline flights, cashing Social Security checks etc….

The government shutdown apparently might result in the cancellation of the Air Force-Army football game this weekend. Now we’re getting serious. If by some chance this thing start affecting the NFL Americans will storm the barricades for a resolution.

It’s not just Lane Kiffin who’s unemployed. UConn just let Paul Pasqualoni go after an 0-4 start. The number one reaction? UConn has a football team.

The U.C. Berkeley campus was closed last night due to a power outage caused by a chemical spill and explosion. This is not be be confused with the power outage suffered last Saturday by the Cal football team at Eugene.

If this keeps up John Boehner may actually make many of us miss Newt Gingrich.

Just wondering, when we finally end this shutdown, and we will, assume the GOP is okay with the Democrats also following the “will of the people” and shutting down the government again over gun control?

Let’s see, the FCC is shut. Which means Jon Stewart is on the honor system not to say anything too profane this week.

A New Jersey man is facing charges after he texted the wrong number by mistake saying he had 1/4 lb of marijuana for sale. The text ended up going to a detective… Guess that short-term memory loss includes nine-digit numbers.

 

From T.C.  “Sunday’s Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”

A Pittsburgh win in October? Since when did they start Tuesday Night Football?

But really, the last time the Pirates were in the playoffs was 1992.    How long ago was that?   Bud Selig was saying he would soon step down as acting commissioner.  And we expected Clinton to be the next president.

Only about 325 to go?

March 18, 2013

Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal involving 90 days in rehab. It’s all part of Los Angeles’s “33 strikes and you’re out policy”

First Elvis Dumervil’s late fax, now, according to the Patriots, Wes Welker’s agent is the reason the WR isn’t back with New England. Hard to believe there’s been this much bad publicity about agents and Scott Boras isn’t involved.

John Boehner has said today that he ‘can’t imagine’ his views on gay marriage will ever shift, even if he had a son who was gay. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

Belated St. Patrick’ Day toast. “May your troubles last as long as your pristine brackets.”

Video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. said today their CEO will step down at the end of the month. Shocking to many in Silicon Valley. Electronic Arts is still in business?!

One of the young men convicted in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case apologized and said “No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.” Uh, what about nothing they took pictures of should have happened, PERIOD.

Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh, says the team will be different next year but that’s a good thing — “The worst mistake you can make is trying to hold a team together” And Florida Marlins fans are thinking “Not exactly.”

Pablo Sandoval apparently has a mild elbow injury. SF Giants just hope the doctor tells him to stop lifting burritos, burgers, pizza….

Disneyland now says children under 14 must have an older person with them to enter the Magic Kingdom. Translation, we are no longer going to be your babysitter.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that “Focus groups described (the GOP) as ‘narrow minded,’ ‘out of touch,’ and ‘stuffy old men.'” Who says Americans don’t pay attention to politics?

Tiger Woods has officially announced that he and Lindsey Vonn are dating. Presumably Tiger has turned over a new leaf with women, as he’s smart enough to know that a world champion skier might have better aim with a golf club….

Watching a repeat of the Daily Show featuring Sandra Day O’Connor. Is it too late to have her rejoin the Supreme Court and have Antonin Scalia take her place in retirement?

Snow place like home.

December 22, 2012

The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.

Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013” Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”

A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.

Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Wow.  The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.

A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.

So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?

And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy.  Or just plain old union thugs?

While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?

Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….

Great, so today Facebook was asking today  “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?”    Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?

Threat levels

January 27, 2011

The U.S. Government will be getting rid of the color coded threat-level warnings. Apparently John Boehner felt that it was racial profiling to refer to threat level “Orange.”.

Jimmy Buffett has been hospitalized in stable condition after falling off a stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia. No word on what triggered the fall, maybe he was searching for his lost shaker of salt?

127 hours” was a semi-surprise nomination for Best Picture. Let’s hope it’s also not the length of this year’s Oscar telecast.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that if there is a work stoppage he will cut his $10 million salary to $1. Of course, he didn’t add that if the owners break the Players union they will give him a $20 million bonus.

A recent Danish study involving over 300,00 women found that having an abortion does not increase the risk of mental health problems, but having a baby does. Especially when that baby grows up to be a teenager.

You cannot make this stuff up department: A travel client who probably flies 50,000 miles a year asked me for a nonstop flight from San Francisco to D.C. But she added, if it were cheaper, she would take a connection, as long as it departed and arrived at about the same times.

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar was not at the State of the Union address last night, but denied rumors that saying he was planning to leave his post.  Apparently he just couldn’t get a date.

So after all these SOTU “dates” last night, here’s the real question in Washington: which of these dates will result in a rose?

from Marc Ragovin:  It was so refreshing to see that spirit of bipartisanship at the State of the Union. Indicted felons were sitting next to paroled felons.

And this commie pinko quote was passed on to me by Erin Grove.

“Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is of course a tiny splinter group that believes you can do these things. …Their number is negligible and they are stupid.”

Who said it?  Former president Dwight David Eisenhower.

Who’s crying now?

January 6, 2011

Wednesday,  January 5 was a historic day. Following the first female Speaker of the House, we now have a Speaker who is part Oompha Loompha.

And now that John Boehner is Speaker, will Congress’s theme song be “Who’s crying now?”

There are rumors that John Edwards is now engaged to marry the mother of his illegitimate daughter, Rielle Hunter. The couple is registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond all Common Decency.”

The outdoor NHL Winter Classic between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals achieved the NHL’s highest regular season television ratings, despite the game being delayed due to unseasonably warm temperatures.. Maybe if the NHL wants to guarantee winter weather for outdoor games they should play the game in July at Candlestick Park.

Actually, if outdoor games bring higher ratings, maybe the NHL should just take the roofs off of all their arenas.

Michigan fired their coach, Michigan State was absolutely humiliated in the Capital One by Alabama. Who’d a thunk it, the most optimistic football fans in Michigan these days root for the Detroit Lions?

The new GOP Congress has been just sworn and and already they are saying that their “$100 billion in cuts” pledge wasn’t really a promise but a “hypothetical number.” So congratulations to everyone who had “less than 24 hours” in the pool.

Dick Cheney, 69, is apparently deciding about seeking a heart transplant as when he turns 70 he will be too old to qualify. Where’s a good death panel when you need one?

A United Airlines flight from Denver to Frankfurt was diverted to Toronto last week after a pilot spilled a cup of coffee on the communications equipment in the cockpit, which somehow triggered the emergency codes for a hijacking.   

Wonder how long it will take TSA to ban passengers bringing Starbucks on board as a potentially dangerous item.