Posted tagged ‘Lindsay Lohan jokes’

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The price of buying a clue clearly has gone up….

February 27, 2015

Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.

To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..

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KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.

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In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?

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Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.

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Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”

 

Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? ‪#‎thanksurbanmeyer‬

 

A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.

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Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?

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From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”

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Basebrawl.

April 22, 2014

The Brewers’ Carlos Gomez, talking about a brawl he helped start Sunday against the Pirates, said “Things happen in the game. We know it’s not good for baseball…” Well, on the other hand, how often do national networks show highlights of a Milwaukee-Pittsburgh game?

 

No brawl broke out in Colorado Monday night.    Although stealing second base with a 7 to 1 lead in Coors Field… reasonable. Stealing second base against the current SF Giants with a 7 to 1 lead, grounds for beaning.

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And maybe the SF Giants hitters just need to relax. Since they’re in Colorado can Bruce Bochy put Tim Lincecum on snack duty?

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A 16 year-old boy is lucky to be alive after stowing away in the wheel well of a flight from San Jose, CA to Maui this weekend. The FBI and TSA are trying to figure out how to tighten security. Airlines are trying to figure out if there is any way to charge for flying in the wheel well.

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ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson was arrested for alleged domestic violence over the weekend. Just another guy trying to prove he’s still in NFL form?

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John McCain was on Monday night’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Presumably trying to appeal to his supporters who are up at that hour. Both of them.

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The Knicks today fired Mike Woodson. Wonder who will be the next head coach the team can blame for not contending for an NBA title.

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Neil Young has released a new album “A Letter Home” on vinyl only. Some Millennials are responding “Who’s Neil Young?” Even more are responding “What is ‘vinyl’?”

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Lindsay Lohan says now she recently had a miscarriage. “What a great mother she would have made” said absolutely nobody.

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Sunday, 4/20, was the unofficial National Pot Holiday. Which means a number of folks will be showing up in California parks all week saying “Where is everyone?”

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Truly amazing story of that young man who stowed away in a Hawaiian Airlines wheel well and made it to Maui. Even more amazing, he knocked the search for MH370 off CNN’s front page.

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It takes 16 wins in the playoffs to win the NBA championship. To put that in perspective, 16 wins was last season’s total counting playoffs for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks.

 

According to Fox News Charles Krauthammer said “it is evident the real objective of ObamaCare is to sever the relationship that Americans have now with their private insurance so everyone eventually ends up in in a market essentially controlled by the government.”  As an ex-resident of Canada,  we can only hope…..

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “In Austria, a man walked into a police station and was arrested after he asked to see if he was wanted for arrest. He was. Police have no choice but to incarcerate him and then extradite him to Florida.”

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New York State of Mindlessness?

May 2, 2013

NY Knicks coach Mike Woodson said he didn’t know in advance and was “upset” that his team wore all black before game 5 of their series with the Celtics.  Apparently Kenyon Martin wanted to mimic a funeral for Boston. Leaving the incredible tackiness aside, the way the Knicks are playing, it might be their own funeral.

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Are the Knicks really TRYING to be more embarassing than the Mets?

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Reese Witherspoon in her apology interview. ” “I have no idea what I was saying that night. I saw him arresting my husband and I literally panicked…I told him I was pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things… We went out to dinner in Atlanta and we had one too many glasses of wine.” All I can say is that one glass must have been at least a schooner.

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Amanda Bynes told a reporter she has “no clue ” why people say she’s insane. Honey, even Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re insane.

 

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Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she just apparently blew off her rehab sentence.  Gosh, at this point expect the court to throw the book at her with a really really stern warning.

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Facebook said that on average 665 million people are using the site every day. Wow. That’s about a billion cat pictures.

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First-time claims for unemployment benefits fell to their lowest level in five years last week. I blame Obama.

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Well, at least he’s honest. Will that get him kicked out of the party? Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) said that some in the GOP opposed expanding gun background checks recently because they didn’t want to “be seen helping the president.”

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Dick Hayhurst, a former pitcher who now works as a broadcast analyst for the Toronto Blue Jays said today that Boston Red Sox pitcher Clay Buchholz was “absolutely” cheating by putting a foreign substance on the ball Wednesday.

Brings to mind Gaylord Perry’s comment when asked if HE put a foreign substance on baseballs – “Nope, Vaseline is made right here in the USA.”

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A new poll said 4 out of 5 Americans do not think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Although 5 out of 5 Redskins fans think the team should change their owner.

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161 to go.

April 1, 2013

Bryce Harper is on pace for 324 home runs!

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Silver lining in today’s game for SF Giants’ fans? If Clayton Kershaw is going to be the Dodgers’ power hitter on top of being their ace, it’s going to take Los Angeles $250 million to sign him long term…..

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Red Sox 8, Yankees 2. Wonder who George Steinbrenner would have fired by now.

(with an assist from my friend Tony Alan Banks.  You have to wonder if somewhere in the afterlife, Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin just out of habit.)

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Sandy Koufax looked good throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers.   Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to offer him a pitching contract.

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The University of Kentucky has announced that freshman guard Archie Goodwin is leaving early for the NBA. Guess he wants to parlay leading his team all the way to the first round of the NIT into big $$$.

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Jon Stewart really slamming #NBC tonight on the Daily Show. So is Stewart also auditioning for Jay  Leno’s job?

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Lindsay Lohan will be a guest on the “Late Show with David Letterman” next week. Sure hope the show insisted on sending a car and driver.

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Apparently police had to be called at a Seattle zoo’s Easter Egg Hunt when two mothers began fighting. Reportedly after one reportedly pushed a child aside to make it easier for her own child to get some eggs. Shocking. Parent violence at an Easter Egg Hunt?! Now, we’d expect it for opening day of Little League.

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Unclear on the concept – Lindsay Lohan has reportedly told her lawyers that she’ll only enter lockdown rehab if she’s allowed to take her Adderall prescription with her…..

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Well, at least there’s a Pac 12 team in the Women’s Final Four. Now if the #Cal Bears can just knock off UConn and Geno Auriemma in New Orleans all of Stanford might root for them.

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USC has hired UFGC’s Andy Enfield as their next men’s basketball coach. Guess Enfield couldn’t turn the deal down, over $1 million a year plus every March off.

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Glee’s Cory Monteith has voluntarily checked into a rehabilitation center to address substance addiction issues. Some would say such issues were caused by watching his own show.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  As we approach the Masters, Tiger Woods has reclaimed his No. 1 ranking and is well on his way to being the Tiger of old. In fact, insiders are predicting a Lindsey Vonn ski pole to his Escalade by Christmas.

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Shockers?

March 23, 2013

Really, Wichita State?  You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?

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All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?

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Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?

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Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?

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Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.

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Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.

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San Francisco’s Archbishop,  Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage,  believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation.   If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?

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CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

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Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.

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The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!

 

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Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.

 

So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.

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My not-so-old Kentucky is home.

March 19, 2013

First round NIT – Robert Morris 59, Kentucky 57. Puts a whole new meaning on “One and done.”

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Not saying the Kentucky team was young, but after the game coach John Calipari was so upset he gave all the starters time-outs.

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Btw, those same Kentucky Wildcats when the season started?  The favorite at 6-1 to win the entire NCAA tournament.  Guess that means Nerlens Noel was really the One without who they were Done?

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One of many signs this whole college basketball system needs reworking though –  when with the top teams most fans recognize fewer of the players than the coaches.

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Coach Rex Ryan said the New York Jets have to get better at QB, adding that Tim Tebow would get the opportunity to compete. And he said it with a straight face.

 

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New Jersey has decided to try allowing Atlantic City casinos to offer fantasy sports betting. Don’t most casinos already allow fantasy betting? As in picking the Cubs to win the World Series.

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A study has shown that the resveratol in red wine may help prevent Alzheimer’s. Or if you drink enough of it at least the wine gives you a good reason to forget things.  (or as my friend Linda says, you won’t care if you forget things..)

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Got to love it, Tiger Woods announces he is dating Lindsey Vonn, posts a number of pictures, and thanks fans on his Facebook page for “respecting our privacy.”

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Lindsey Vonn apparently was making jokes a couple years ago about Tiger Woods and his “sex addiction.” Have to wonder the odds on in another couple years Lindsey herself ending up part of the punchline.

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Derek Jeter was scratched from the Yankees spring training game today with a “cranky ankle.” About the only good news for New York these days is that most of their injures should be covered by Medicare.

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Ok, the story of a University of Central Florida student who planned to shoot students isn’t funny, but then there’s this quote from an evacuated young woman “”There were police everywhere, students out there half-dressed, no shoes, in the cold….” The weather was in the 60s.

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Reportedly Lindsay Lohan chose rehab because she was scared of jail. But not scared enough apparently to start just following the law….

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Telling NBC jokes has apparently gotten Jay Leno with network executives. Fortunately, since he’s still on NBC, very few people are actually hearing the jokes.

 

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Michelle Shocked has had several shows canceled after making an anti-gay slur at a San Francisco concert. Two questions. Who the heck is Michelle Shocked? And is she angling to open for Ted Nugent?

 

After a South Carolina primary, looks like the House special election will be between Mark Sanford, former Governor and “Appalachian trail” hiker and Elizabeth Colbert Bush, sister of Stephen Colbert. Not sure about state residents, but comedians across the country are thinking ‘Thank you, Jesus.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Now, the Broncos have offered Dumervil a contract—talk about bringing Elvis back from the dead”
 
(Elvis’s agent, however, is no doubt still as dead as Generalissmo Francisco Franco)

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Only about 325 to go?

March 18, 2013

Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal involving 90 days in rehab. It’s all part of Los Angeles’s “33 strikes and you’re out policy”

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First Elvis Dumervil’s late fax, now, according to the Patriots, Wes Welker’s agent is the reason the WR isn’t back with New England. Hard to believe there’s been this much bad publicity about agents and Scott Boras isn’t involved.

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John Boehner has said today that he ‘can’t imagine’ his views on gay marriage will ever shift, even if he had a son who was gay. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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Belated St. Patrick’ Day toast. “May your troubles last as long as your pristine brackets.”

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Video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. said today their CEO will step down at the end of the month. Shocking to many in Silicon Valley. Electronic Arts is still in business?!

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One of the young men convicted in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case apologized and said “No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.” Uh, what about nothing they took pictures of should have happened, PERIOD.

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Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh, says the team will be different next year but that’s a good thing — “The worst mistake you can make is trying to hold a team together” And Florida Marlins fans are thinking “Not exactly.”

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Pablo Sandoval apparently has a mild elbow injury. SF Giants just hope the doctor tells him to stop lifting burritos, burgers, pizza….

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Disneyland now says children under 14 must have an older person with them to enter the Magic Kingdom. Translation, we are no longer going to be your babysitter.

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RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that “Focus groups described (the GOP) as ‘narrow minded,’ ‘out of touch,’ and ‘stuffy old men.'” Who says Americans don’t pay attention to politics?

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Tiger Woods has officially announced that he and Lindsey Vonn are dating. Presumably Tiger has turned over a new leaf with women, as he’s smart enough to know that a world champion skier might have better aim with a golf club….

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Watching a repeat of the Daily Show featuring Sandra Day O’Connor. Is it too late to have her rejoin the Supreme Court and have Antonin Scalia take her place in retirement?

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Spring break?

March 1, 2013

Steve Nash says he does not regret deciding to join the Los Angeles Lakers. Makes sense, at his age, Nash likes the idea having playoff season off.

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In the Honda Classic tournament Thursday Tiger Woods walked into the water on the 6th hole to play a partially submerged ball and save par. Of course, long-time golf fans remember the days Tiger used to walk on water to make birdies.

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Dennis Rodman has been publicly and happily hanging out in Pyongyang with Kim Jong Un. Well, this ought to dispel North Koreans’ image of Americans as a strange and perverted people.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: A California woman says she was fired for being pregnant by her fiance (who is now her husband.) Because pre-marital sex was in violation of the San Diego Christian College “Handbook and Community Covenant.” The part you can’t make up, the school then the man they knew to be her fiance a job.

(of course, if they really believed the fiance to be innocent of premarital sex maybe they should have not only reinstated the woman but made joyful planes for a Second Coming.)

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The subcompact Toyota Yaris has a speedometer that goes up to 140 mph, although apparently the car can’t top 109. On the other hand, many scales designed for American adults still have all the numbers below 100.

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So I’m low-tech, but have to think most of America is wondering –  is there an app that would allow you to watch American Idol and automatically block not only commercials, but also block  Nicki Minaj?

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Asked about his position on a bill in Wisconsin requiring ultrasounds before abortions, GOP Rep. Sean Duffy responded “I don’t know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is. I’ve never had one.” And women are thinking, “Hmm, how can we demonstrate the concept to him?”

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All this controversy over NFL prospects being asked about their sexual orientation…. Maybe some teams are hoping for gay players… would cut down on the out-of-wedlock children.

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Pope Benedict’s farewell tour has everything but a bobblehead.

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Lindsay Lohan is heading for another trial, this time over last year’s car crash, after reportedly rejecting rehab plea bargain that would have kept her out of jail. Makes sense, not like a trial has ever really put her in jail either.

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Baltimore’s Terrell Suggs said he “guarantees the other 31 [NFL] teams hate the New England Patriots.” Is Suggs working on having 31 teams hate the Ravens too?

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from TC  – “Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a supporter of gay rights, said that the NFL will have its first openly gay player by 2014. Vegas has already made any Tight End player a 1-5 favorite. Second choice at 1-1 is anyone named Rock or Elton.”

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Baby shrub?

December 14, 2012

Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is pregnant. So it will be about 2058 when the child first runs for President?   Hope it’s a girl.

 

Former President Bush is so excited about the future grandchild, W”s offered to share with the kid his favorite crayons.

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After Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, John McCain issued a statement saying he “wishes her well.” Of course, Senator McCain may have already forgotten why he was against Rice in the first place.

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Rutgers has suspended men’s basketball coach Mike Rice for 3 games and fined him $50,000 for “inappropriate behavior and language.” In New Jersey? Really?! Something tells me this kind of sanction will never apply to the Governor’s office.

(Maybe Rice took that “Secrets of Great Coaching from Bobby Knight” manual a little too seriously.)

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Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary’s staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job?

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Now that marijuana is legal in their states wonder how many people in Colorado and Washington are excited about today being 12-12-12?

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Josh Hamilton has signed a $125 million, 5 year deal with the Angels. What, were the Dodgers asleep?

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So the Angels signed Josh Hamilton, and the Giants signed Andres Torres. Well, one of those guys has proven he can be part of a World Series winning team.

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Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama’s nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle

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The latest for Lindsay Lohan, she is $16k behind on her storage locker payments, and risks having her possessions put up for auction. Hmm, I see a new reality show: “Celebrity Storage Wars.”

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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, term limited out in 2014, is thinking of a legal challenge so she can run again. So these executive orders she is so fond of that enforce Arizona laws don’t apply to blondes?

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The CALM act, a new law, sponsored by Democrat Anna Eshoo, goes into effect today. It prevents TV commercials from being blared at louder volumes than their accompanying programs. So will Republicans start turning the ads up louder as a protest against government interference?

 

Bode Miller’s wife Morgan is recovering with 50 stitches in her face after her husband hit her with a 160 mph golf tee shot. And Elin Nordegren said “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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Is 141 characters a sin?

December 13, 2012

The Pope is on Twitter. So is #Hell now a #Hashtag?

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So with the Vatican now on Twitter can Catholics tweet their confessions?

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The Golden State Warriors upset the Miami Heat 97-95 with a buzzer beating layup. Which would be important. If any regular-season game were EVER important.

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Ah, family values, and preserving the sanctity of the traditional marriage: Track Palin, Sarah’s oldest son, has filed for divorce after 19 months of marriage, to the mother of his 16 month old daughter. Should we blame the states that have allowed gay marriage?

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Texas Tech hired former QB Kliff Kingsbury, 33, as their new head FB coach. To put that in perspective, Brandon Weeden was only 5 years younger in 2011 when he was QB at Oklahoma State.

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Amazing…. Apparently when Barbara Walters interviewed Hillary Clinton as part of her “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” one of the questions was about her hair. Wonder why no one ever asks Joe Biden the same question.

 

John Boehner said Congress should not make Holiday plans, and that Obama’s latest fiscal cliff proposal can’t pass the House or the Senate. Uh, before we get all Grinchy, Mr. Speaker, could we actually TRY a vote? You know, democracy where majority rules and all that?

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The last batch of Hostess Twinkies hit the shelves today. While Twinkie fans may have to hurry before the sweet treats sell out, on a brighter note any extra stash can probably be willed to their grandchildren..

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Pittsburgh Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall’s has received a one-game suspension for not showing up for last week’s game. Does that mean the NFL may similarly suspend all of the Arizona Cardinals?

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Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and so she has to head back to court in Los Angeles in January. Where no doubt the judge will give her another suspended sentence and a very stern warning.

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New Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told a reporter “You’re starting to piss me off.” Funny, that’s exactly what Los Angeles fans are thinking about the team.

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Just saw an online ad for holiday gifts including a “unicorn horn for cats.” Wonder if the instructions to attach said horn to a cat come complete with bandages, antibiotic ointment, and the phone numbers of local urgent care clinics.

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So now that 12:12p on 12-12-12 has passed, what are people going to do to waste time for the rest of the week?

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For everyone bummed that such a fun date to write is over, cheer up, it’s only 760 days until 12-13-14.

And as my friend James Brady says, “Only 335 days to 11-12-13.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Thought the Encino mall Santa was in the Christmas spirit when he yelled; “Ho, ho, ho.” Turns out he was saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.”

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No place like home?

December 10, 2012

Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.

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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.

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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?

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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?

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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”

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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.

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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.

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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?”   Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”

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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?

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From T.C.   “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! ”

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Trivia question for the day:

Which are  the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?

Answer ( none of them from the SEC) :   Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.

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Not so greatest hit?

November 30, 2012

After she allegedly punched another woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning. So congratulations to all those who had November 29 in the pool.

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Silver lining for Lindsay Lohan after her latest arrest, for punching a woman in the face at a nightclub. She may not get any new offers to star in made-for-TV movies, but Lohan stands a good chance of a contract from Celebrity Boxing.

B.J. Upton,, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies?

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V.P. Joe Biden made a public shopping trip and chose the new Costco in Washington, D.C. Makes sense, picking up “a few” items at Costco is like Biden himself saying “a few” words.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: “As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo.”

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“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is “committed to tackling my personal issues” And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation?

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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.

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While they didn’t hit the big Powerball, 20 police officers in Columbus, Ohio will share a $1 million prize. To paraphrase Homer Simpson “Mmm, donuts. LOTS of donuts….”

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The  NCAA just approved a bowl waiver for Georgia Tech’s, allowing them to playa bowl game even if they lose to Florida State this weekend and finish 6-7.  Well, how heartbreaking is this for all those 5-8 teams who came oh so close to the postseason….

 

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The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday’s game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game.

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Shore losers.

June 11, 2012

 

Jersey Shore cast member Deena was arrested for disorderly conduct charge today when a police officer saw her in standing in the street, allegedly “a little intoxicated,” and slapping cars that were driving by. Well, guess regular viewers will be glad to know that even Snooki’s pregnancy won’t alter the essence of the show.

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Scary thought, most Americans can probably name more Jersey Shore cast members than they can name justices of the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Defense attorney Joe Amendola says of the upcoming trial “This is the fight of Jerry Sandusky’s life.” Uh, since Jerry already lost the battle between good and evil?-

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In 2012 SF Giants fans have gone from “Let Timmy Smoke” to “Timmy’s pitching, we’ll need to smoke.”

 

“Hempcon” medical marijuana convention is June 15-17 in San Jose, California. Wonder how many attendees will show up a week later?

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Many of the “Big Tobacco” funded ads against California’s Prop 29 (cigarette tax) talked about how none of the money went to cancer research. So now that the tobacco companies spent almost $50 million probably to defeat the initiative, when can we expect them to kick in a like amount for that cancer research?

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Eurocup, Stanley Cup. It’s a close competition as to which the average American knows less about.

 

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Stanford pitcher Mark Appel blamed his horrible start yesterday against Florida State on the humidity and the crowds. Well, playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates he’ll still have to deal with humidity, but shouldn’t be a problem with crowds.

 

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Another day, another NFL DUI arrest, this time NY Giants LT David Diehl, who was arrested tonight in Queens after allegedly hitting a couple of parked cars with his BMW. So when will they start writing NFL contracts to include car and drivers?

 

Stony Brook’s college baseball team is America’s new favorite Cinderella team heading towards the College World Series. The biggest question in most sports fans’ minds – where the heck is Stony Brook?

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All hail the God of Television:  The 2012 College World Series may well finish before the NBA finals.

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Budget move? Texas is considering raising the speed limit on a toll road from Austin to San Antonio to 85mph. Well, that’s one way to reduce the number of Americans who will end up needing Social Security.

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Lindsay Lohan, who first said the other driver cut her off, is now saying “my brakes failed” when she ran into a truck in her Porsche last week. Uh, longtime Lindsay watchers are thinking maybe it’s not her car that needs the brakes.

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John McCain is outraged and blaming President Obama as commander in chief for recent national security leaks. Uh, where was this outrage and blame from Senator McCain when the last administration outed Valerie Plame?

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Double crown?

June 9, 2012

So now that “I’ll Have Another,” has been scratched from the Belmont,  and our best hope of a horse racing Triple Crown is gone another year,  should we really start consider setting the bar down to a  “Double Crown?” –

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I’ll Have Another”, scratched for the Belmont for a tendon injury.   Damn. Let’s hope he wasn’t washing his truck or something.

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Anyone want to guess the no-show percentage tomorrow for a sold out Belmont Park?

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I’ll Have Another has now formally been retired. What’s the difference between NBA players and thoroughbred racehorses? The players don’t wait until retirement to go out to stud.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently went to the emergency room with non-life threatening injuries today after totaling her Porsche in a accident today. So congratulations to all those who had June 7 in the pool. –

 

Detroit Lions lineman Nick Fairley, arrested May 27 for the 2nd time this spring:”I want to personally apologize to my fans, teammates and the organization for bringing this unwanted attention to our team. I recognize my actions were inexcusable and I personally need to uphold the expected standard of behavior of a professional athlete.” Over-under on how many times we’ll hear this same statement in 2012? –

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The bidding is up to $3,500,000 for the opportunity to have lunch with billionaire Warren Buffett. The first piece of investment advice Buffet will no doubt give the winner? “Don’t spend $3,500,000 on a lunch.”

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Even casual horse racing fans were disappointed by the news that “I’ll Have Another” has tendonitis and won’t be able to run for the Triple Crown tomorrow. Romney strategists are trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare.

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Six Mariners pitchers combined tonight for a no-hitter against the Dodgers. Long-suffering Seattle fans who didn’t see the game had only one question – did the team win?

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Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo has admitted he is the father of a 2nd out of wedlock child, (claims from 2 MORE women are pending. Lugo fathered these children while he was a Roman Catholic bishop. No word from the Vatican; presumably they are at least relieved Fernando was sleeping with adult women.

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The first match in the Eurocup 2012 was today. With no U.S. team playing, this means Americans could start ignoring the soccer tournament right from the beginning.

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To the driver of the little black BMW convertible driving at least 45-50 mph in a Palo Alto school zone, weaving in and out of traffic, and then running the light as it turned red, one question. Did the car make you a a**hole, or were you that way when you got it?

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11,000 San Francisco residents lost power this afternoon. Does this make them honorary SF Giants?

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Curt Schilling, an ardent small government conservative, and supporter of many GOP candidates, moved his video game company to Rhode Island in exchange for $75 million in state loan guarantees in 2010. The company, 38 Studios, filled for bankruptcy today. Where’s the Mitt Romney photo op on this one?

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House of Ill-Repute?

April 29, 2012

After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the Secret Service from visiting “non-reputable” establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter the House and Senate?

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Not saying Lindsay Lohan has aged but she looks too old for consideration as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.

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Newt Gingrich now says he will end his Presidential campaign Wednesday. Newt’s announcement had been planned for Tuesday but both his supporters couldn’t make it.

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Ah pitchers. The Rockies placed Jeremy Guthrie on the DL after he hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Was he trying to chew gum at the same time?

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Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom (Mr. Etch a Sketch) now says that President Obama’s auto bailout was Mitt’s idea. Right, because the way to get your bailout ideas out there is with an op-ed headline “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.”

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LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, who became a couple when they were both married to other people, renewed their vows for their first wedding anniversary. Wonder if it was meant as a renewal or a reminder?

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A Polish dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he showed up for an appointment after he dumped her. Were her parting words “Bite Me?”
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Yet another example of why President Obama will win the women’s vote: At Ft. Stewart: “For the gentlemen out there who are not yet married, let me just explain to you: Your goal is to improve your gene pool by marrying somebody who is superior to you.”

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How could anyone think Mitt Romney doesn’t get it….. At a small university in Ohio he told students “We’ve always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents..

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Pop goes our culture.

November 8, 2011

Shocking news in the Conrad Murray trial. When a celebrity is involved, I didn’t think it was possible to find someone guilty of murder or manslaughter in Los Angeles.

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Some think this verdict will mean celebrities won’t be able to get anyone to over-prescribe medications for them anymore. Right. It probably does mean they may need to pay such a doctor even more money.

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Let’s hope Murray’s time in jail doesn’t overlap with Lindsay Lohan.

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Hugh Hefner says that Lindsay Lohan’s photo spread in the upcoming January-February issue will be a “classic tribute inspired by Marilyn Monroe.” With all due respect, the only comparison most people draw between Marilyn and Lindsay is that they doubt Lohan will make it to age 40.

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Although at this point they’re laying odds in Vegas. Which will last a shorter time. Lindsay’s next jail term or Kim Kardashian’s next marriage.

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K.D. Lang says Justin Bieber looks “Just like a lesbian.” And most lesbians responded “Please, we have better haircuts.”

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NBA Commissioner David Stern says that if the union doesn’t accept the owners’ latest proposal they will only get a worse one and that “the only rational thing” for them to do is to make the deal. Sigh. I guess on some level it’s fun watching the 1% battling with the 0.1%.

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The Kardashians are now being accused of selling a line of handbags in Australia -the “Kardashian Kollection”, that are actually knockoffs of several famous designer brands. Gosh, marriage is one thing, but who’d a thunk the Kardashians would fake anything as serious as a copyrighted handbag?

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There were long lines Monday on opening day at “Resort World,” New York City’s first casino. Well, other than Wall Street.

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This Penn State controversy is disgusting. But really, is anyone who has followed the “win at all costs” mentality in college football shocked that so many people high up in the athletic department basically tried to sweep the story under the rug, or as it were, the turf?

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Okay, we may have found a sleazier job than being Michael Jackson’s doctor – being Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer.

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And this joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Schubert. In Joe Paterno’s defense, although he was in his late 70s when he heart about the allegations, the Penn State coach did try to alert the police. But they couldn’t read his smoke signals.

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Apparently Herman Cain has raised over $2 million in the days since this sexual harassment story first broke. Just think how much Cain could have raised if he’d been accused of something like murder.

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A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows 54% of GOP primary voters say allegations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain will not affect how they vote. These voters are called “men.”

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One of the scariest things about this whole Herman Cain business, on top of the Weiner business, and the Edwards business, etc, etc.. is that you just know there are politicians out there, on both sides of the aisle, who are continuing on with whatever indiscretions they were up to before, and figuring THEY are too smart to get caught.

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Actually in all seriousness, (for a change) why didn’t someone tell Herman Cain the smart response last week would have been “Hey, like a lot of men I figured I was wittier and more charming than I was. I realized I might have offended some women and I am sorry and I have learned. And if there was anyone else I upset by my actions, I apologize to them too.” End of story.

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The San Francisco Giants traded mercurial left-handed Jonathan Sanchez to the Kansas City Royals for Melky Cabrera. Well, if Sanchez gets his head together, the Royals could have a new pitching star, otherwise, well at least it’s likely their beer sales will go up.

(Actually, maybe the Giants should have traded Sanchez to the Red Sox. At least that way he’d give his fellow pitchers an actual reason to drink.)

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Raindrops keep falling on my field…

October 27, 2011

Suggestion for Tony LaRussa for Game 6 Bullpen communication in St. Louis – “Carrier Squirrels.”

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Game Six of the World Series was postponed due to rain. Which means Tony LaRussa had plenty of time to run down to the Apple store to get new phones for himself and his bullpen coaches

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If Bud Selig gets his way with the expanded playoffs, rain issues won’t be a problem in future World Series. Snow on the other hand.

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Lindsay Lohan will be posing in Playboy. Most Americans think we’ve already seen too much of her lately.

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Despite police efforts and some stories of violence, “Occupy Oakland” continues to be a magnet for a lot of people. If the crowds continue, Raiders’ management may start trying to sell tickets by referring to their games as “Occupy the Coliseum.”

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Rick Perry told Fox today that if he had made any mistakes thus far in the campaign, it was “probably ever doing one of the” debates. No kidding. Especially considering the “lame-stream” media reported every word he said.

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Herman Cain’s latest commercial shows his campaign manager smoking. Well, Cain is running an unconventional campaign, maybe encouraging smoking is his plan to reduce the number of Americans who end up old enough to depend on social security.

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Chaz Bono was voted off DWTS. He won over many viewers, although many 40 and 50 somethings still remember him as such a cute little blond girl. Of course, music fans of the same age remember Michael Jackson as such a cute little black boy.

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NBA owners and players met again for several hours in hopes of resolving their labor problems. No resolution as yet, but on the bright side, the talks are getting more attention than the first weeks of a normal NBA season.

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How badly do some NFL teams want to get Andrew Luck? Have to wonder if a few of them have already asked Roger Goodell if they can vacate wins because some of their players committed crimes or were ineligible in college?

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Some college teams say they would do anything to get future quarterbacks like Andrew Luck, who went to high school in Texas. But when asked why he chose Stanford, Luck cites a big reason as being strong academics. Responded most SEC teams “Never mind.”

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From Bill Littlejohn: “JaMarcus Russell was quoted as saying ‘I’m not fat, lazy, or a junkie’.All right…who called him a junkie?”

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Sebastian Janikowsi should be healthy again for the Raiders’ next game, so Oakland waived their recently signed backup placekicker Dave Rayner, who they had signed for a one-game fee of $45,000. Since Oakland was shut out, Rayner never kicked the ball after the opening kickoff. The only easier gig in sports might have belonged to the Saints’ punter against the Colts.

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Jon Huntsman told ABC News that Rick Perry’s talking about “birtherism” makes him “cringe.” And that “fringe” issues will drive away the independents. “As a party if we are going to win this election we have to focus on the issues that are germane for the American family – economy, jobs, our position in the world.” No wonder he’s barely registering in the GOP polls – the man is way too articulate and reasonable.

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No place like home.

June 24, 2011
 
Lindsay Lohan’s parties and failed alcohol test will not get her sent back to jail, because alcohol was not specifically prohibited in her house arrest sentence. Although the judge did say Lohan used “extremely poor judgment” and ordered “No more parties.” Jeez, what does a celebrity have to do to get sent to jail in L.A, kill someone? Never mind, strike that.
 
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A Southwest pilot has returned from his suspension after his cockpit rant.  Apparently he didn’t realize he was broadcasting on an air traffic channel while referring to the airline’s flight attendants as a “continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes.” 
 
Hope the guy plans to spend his remaining years with the airline bringing his own coffee onboard.
 
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But really, what could possibly have been his defense for such a rant?, (which was also apparently laced with profanities.)   Guess the pilot couldn’t apologize and say he was drunk?
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Lindsay Lohan has been photographed having rooftop parties during her home confinement, and has now apparently failed a court-ordered alcohol test, her second of the year. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “75 strikes and you’re out” policy.
 
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After the Washingon Nationals won for the 11th time in 12 games, manager Jeff Riggleman just suddenly quit. No word if he’s been offered a job by any other team, but Riggleman did reputedly receive a congratulatory call from Sarah Palin.
 
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NBA Player’s union president Derek Fisher said that players aren’t afraid of a work stoppage. And presumably Lebron James will teach them how to view it just as a long fourth quarter.
 
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Sarah Palin cancelled an announced trip to the Sudan due to “scheduling difficulties.” Wonder what that means? She couldn’t find it on a map?
 
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After Jon Stewart made fun of Herman Cain when the presidential candidate said in a speech that he would not sign a bill longer than three pages, Cain said that Stewart was “attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.
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Some GOP candidates say President Obama’s Afghanistan troop reduction plan brings home troops too slowly, others say it brings them home too fast. Anyone want to hazard a guess what they would say if it were President George W. Bush’s plan? “What a great example of nuanced leadership?” (Those of them who know the word nuanced.)
 
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Ron Artest now wants to change his name – for real, he has petitioned the Los Angeles Supreme Court. The new name he wants? “Metta World Peace.” Guess “Bat Sh*t Crazy” was already taken.
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The Phillie Phanatic mascot was attending a minor league game and had to be taken to the hospital after getting drilled by a foul line drive. The Phanatic suffered a minor concussion but will be fine. Maybe he should consider attending SF Giants games. They don’t hit the ball hard enough to hurt anyone.
 
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 Serious groaner for NHL fans from Gary Morton:  Fans in BC don’t want to talk about the Stanley Cup anymore. To them, that’s Luongo and far away.

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The once and future King?

September 24, 2010

Larry King visited the set of SNL this week and apparently asked about being a guest host. While they were intrigued, the show’s producers said they were actually moving more in the direction of younger trendy hosts like Betty White.

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Katy Perry was bounced off Sesame Street for being too slutty. This is not good for Miss Piggy.

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All this talk from Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman about what they’ll do if elected. But what about the issue that seems to be uppermost on Californians minds- do either of them have a plan to fix Lindsay Lohan?

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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The San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff has now allowed 3 runs or fewer in 18 straight games, a modern day record, eclipsed only by the dead ball era – 1916 NY Giants and the 1917 Chicago White Sox.

Even more amazing, Giants pitchers are doing it without benefit of pitching against their own lineup.

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First a little background on the next thought. At Coors Field the Rockies some years back started putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars, to make them moister and heavier. This after years of softball scores. The humidor works as the moist balls are heavier and don’t fly off the bat like a normal baseball left out in the dry mile-high air.

All well and good, but in the past few years, the Rockies have been putting up incredible numbers at home, especially in September. And one theory, which I subscribe to, is that just maybe they are putting some of those dried-out balls into the game, particularly late or when they are behind.

One Rockies spokesman said it wouldn’t happen due to the “integrity of the game,” (right, baseball has the longest history of cheating of maybe any major sport, from stealing signs to corked bats to pretending to be hit by a pitch.)

Anyway, my son told me tonight that there was video of Tim Lincecum asking for a new baseball and his lips clearly said “blanking juiced ball.”

Of course, it could be his imagination. And baseball is a mind game. Or maybe not.

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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Carly Fiorina’s latest commercial is all about Barbara Boxer asking a general to call her “Senator” rather than “M’am” during a congressional hearing. Good to see Fiorina is really focused on the crucial issues facing California.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the idea of Sarah Palin being elected president (Hey, who thought W. could ever be elected…) But if it happened, which 2 years of her term would she choose to serve

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A woman in Montana got a bear to run out of her garden by throwing zucchini at the animal. Assume the bear was a teenager. (Although personally I avoid zucchini myself.

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Does anyone want to win the West?

September 18, 2010

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With Andres Torres out, Edgar Renteria has temporarily won the job of Giants leadoff hitter. And he says he will do whatever necessary to reach base. Guess that means he has a call in for acting tips from Derek Jeter.

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San Diego 4, St. Louis 14. The Padres are sinking faster than Lebron James’ popularity.

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On the other hand, the Giants were just shut out again tonight, 3-0, this time by Randy Wolf of the Milwaukee Brewers, in his best outing of the year.

Guess what, when enough pitchers have their best game of the year against a team…there’s a good chance a lot of the credit might be due to the men swinging the bats against them.

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But it could be worse: Long-time former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley stated publicly today that Frank McCourt should give up the team, saying the “current ownership had lost all credibility with the city.” Is he kidding, current ownership has lost all credibility with the entire country.
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There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter’s performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN’T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team

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Former President Clinton apparently has forgiven Jerry Brown for his joking reference to Monica Lewinsky, and will campaign for Brown in California. When asked if he considered not supporting Jerry over the comment, wonder if Bill responded “Close but no cigar?”

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Josh Hamilton, who has had substance abuse issues, says he will deal with the champagne celebration when the Texas Rangers clinch the division, by having “goggles on, duct tape over the mouth and either a wetsuit or raincoat,” so he doesn’t even get bubbly on his skin. Of course, a more long-range solution to this worry, get traded to the Cubs.

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On a visit to England, the Pope professed to be shocked by stories of child abuse by priests. Well, he might be the last one in the Catholic church who is.

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Shocking news, apparently Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug and alcohol screening test. Guess she shouldn’t be sharing gum with Paris Hilton.

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After being released from jail August 2, it was announced Friday that Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug test. So congratulations to all those who had 46 days in their office pool.

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One part of campaigning in California is interviewing with newspaper editorial boards. But on Friday, Meg Whitman became the first major California candidate in memory to say she will not meet with the San Francisco Chronicle. Suppose it makes some sense, she’s not really seeking the vote of anyone who reads.

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from Bill Littlejohn:
Following orders from the Melbourne archbishop, Australian churches have banned sports songs from funerals. Apparently, someone was caught playing Queen’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

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