Posted tagged ‘secret service jokes’

Long time

March 23, 2017

San Antonio Spurs tonight paid tribute to WWII vet Richard Overton, who at 110 years old is the oldest living veteran. And one of the few men alive who remembers Tim Duncan’s rookie year.

A five minute plus instant replay stoppage w/ 1:59 left in #WestVirginia #Gonzaga game making fans long for crisp speed of MLB instant replay

The Oakland As are offering a free cap to any fan who trades in any SF Giants cap. Well, if someone wants a hat in better condition – .A’s caps ARE less likely to be worn out from being worn through the playoffs.


When you do not score in the last 2:52 of the 2nd half, it’s pretty hard to win a Sweet Sixteen game. #Arizona #Xavier #marchmadness

#ESPN allowing people who regret their #MarchMadness choices to do a “Second Chance Bracket.” Any way we can do that for the US election?

Matt Barnes, now with the Warriors about playing his former team the Sacramento Kings Friday. “I’m trying to kill them Plain and simple. Things didn’t go well there.”
Great statement from a player with an arrest history now facing a 2017 trial for domestic violence.

Patriots to visit White House on April 19. Wouldn’t it be simpler to invite Kraft, Brady & anyone else who wants to attend to Maralago?

Theresa May opens parliament as usual. #WeAreNotAfraid trending. Well played London, well played.

Fortune magazine names  Theo Epstein greatest leader in world. So is everyone connected with 3-time WS Champion @SFGiants chopped liver?

Trumpcare did not come to a vote today due to lack of GOP support. Can’t wait to see how they’re going to blame this on Obama.

New poll showed today only 17% of Americans support  Trumpcare. Wow. Didn’t know that many people worked for insurance companies.

#NYTimes – Trump says privately he regrets going along w/ Ryan for quick healthcare reform. Because nothing EVER is @realDonaldTrump’s fault


Fox News headline says Trumpcare is “on life support.” Well, life support no doubt won’t be covered going forward either.

Trumpcare to exclude preventive care maternity care & pediatric care. While GOP defunds Planned Parenthood. Again 4 words -Pro life my ass.

More populism at its finest. The House today just voted to strike down privacy rules that kept internet providers like AT&T and Comcast from selling your web browsing history without permission.
Make Advertisers Great Again?! #SMH

In Kentucky, a 4-year old is dead after he accidentally shot himself with a gun that the boy’s uncle, a police officer, had left in his truck. #Ifonlyhewerearmed


Washington Post reports that the OMB turned down the Secret Service request for an additional $60 million this year to handle security for Trump & his family. Which means per the Post “the agency will likely have to divert other spending to handle the additional burden..
No worries, the only other duties of the agency involve things like cyber crime, credit card/identity fraud. and cases involving missing/exploited minors. Do we feel great again yet?


Whatever Happened To … waking up in the morning and not saying “Our President said WHAT?”

From Marc Ragovin, one more on Chuck Barris – “RIP Chuck Barris: Gong but not forgotten.”


Guilty guilty guilty.

April 15, 2015

“I am shocked”. Said absolutely no one. ‪#‎AaronHernandez‬.



Turns out the person who most needed an ‪#‎NFL‬ team in ‪#‎LosAngeles‬ was  Aaron Hernandez.

Aaron Hernandez actually looked surprised when he was found guilty of murder. Was he counting on talking to OJ for advice on finding the real killers


Now that Aaron Hernandez has been found guilty, will they try him for those other two murders? Guessing the Patriots regrettably have given up on pinning him with those under-inflated balls.

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine on drafting Johnny Manziel. “We had the information that everyone else in the league had. It’s easy to look back now and say ‘What did you miss?”. And even Captain Obvious is snickering, “Really?!”


Actual warning on a frozen pizza “Not ready to eat. Cook before serving.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

But the winner is.  A New York man found bedbugs in his rental car. Someone apparently told him he could kill them by saturating them with alcohol. Which he did. And then sat in the car and lit a cigarette. Did kill the bugs. And the car. First and second-degree burns for him. Plus the ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ award for the week.  So far.

Kim Kardashian has an actual book coming out May 5. It’s a collection of selfies titlled “Selfish.”. Give her credit for truth in advertising.

Okay, who else saw the headline about a man arrested for landing a helicopter on the Capitol lawn and thought. “Secret service joyride?”

United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members the chance to use their miles to attend a batting practice event with the Los Angeles Dodgers. The way the SF Giants are hitting, they might have a similar event and make it a tryout.


The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms yesterday, with nine different jersey combinations. Team president Alec Scheiner. “We could be like Oregon of the NFL.” Like “Oregon?” Meaning almost but not quite good enough to win the BCS championship?

In Hillsborough County, Florida, near Tampa, the sheriff’s office has shut down a training school for “top earning exotic dancers and models.” after complaints of loud noise and late parties. Shame. Might have actually been classrooms where they could have gotten a lot of the state’s “student-athletes” to attend.


Cheryl Rios, CEO of “Go Ape Marketing” in Dallas, posted that she thought women could run business but didn’t think a woman should ever lead a country., “‘With the hormones we have, there is no way [a woman] should be able to start a war.” And said she would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton became president.
Not that Canada would take her, but at least Rios didn’t threaten to move to England. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬



“Not with a bang but a whimper.” Was T.S. Eliot thinking about the Lakers, who are putting an exclamation point on their lost season with a loss at home to… .Sacramento?

Send in the clowns.

March 12, 2015

The Houston Texans just traded QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to the NY Jets. Not sure how Fitzpatrick feels about the deal. But isn’t it many little boys’ dream to grow up and join the circus?

The construction of a large telescope on Mauna Kea in Hawaii has been temporaily been delayed by a blizzard warning, which is forecast to drop 5-8 inches of snow on the mountain. 5-8 inches?! In Boston they are just weeping.

The Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, which started Monday, had to move 600 miles north due to a lack of snow. Hmm, maybe they should have just moved it to Boston.

The Korean Air flight attendant who was attacked over how she served macadamia nuts has now retained two American law firms to sue the airline, claiming her career was ruined. Sounds like nut rage is contagious.

The KC Royals minor league affiliate Wilmington (Delaware) BlueRocks now have a Krispy Kreme Donut Dog available for sale at their games. Featuring a hot dog, bacon and raspberry jelly sandwiched in a donut. Wilmington is only an hour drive from Trenton. Is this a shameless attempt by the BlueRocks to get N.J. Gov Chris Christie to attend a game?

The crew on “Morning Joe” said today that rappers and rap music could be to blame for Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s racist chant, because that’s where the frat brothers probably learned the n-word. So how long until this is Obama’s fault?


There are allegations that two senior Secret Service agents were out partying last week in Washington D.C. last week, and crashed their government car into the White House security barricades. Well, at least they didn’t have the car full of prostitutes.


So if this letter to Iran continues to be a PR nightmare will the 47 GOP senators involved blame Democrats for requiring them to learn how to write and sign their names in school?

From Alex Kaseberg ““2015 has started off as a wild year. Two llamas escape, nobody can agree on the colors of a dress, and Harrison Ford has hit more fairways than Tiger Woods.”

Don’t make me come up there.

November 13, 2014

A new report says a Secret Service agent was chatting on his cellphone while an intruder scaled the White House fence in September. Maybe it’s time to get men out of the Secret Service. Not that women don’t chat. But we can multitask.

Most Americans don’t seem to know or care about the “Net Neutrality” issue. Maybe they’d take more of an interest if proponents explained it might affect their ability to see Kim Kardashian naked?

A plastic surgeon claims that by 2016, he’ll have FDA approval and be able to market “Vacation Breasts.” An injectable saline solution with added chemicals to increase women’s breast sizes for 2-3 weeks. Wow. A whole new opportunity for women to attract men who they can then claim don’t appreciate them for who they really are……


Evangelical actor Kirk Cameron has a film “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas,” which attacks the idea that some Christmas traditions actually have pagan roots. So this means Cameron’s found the part in the Bible where Jesus said to go out and look for Black Friday sales?

The fiancée of Thomas Eric Duncan, the Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, apparently has a book deal.. Wonder how many potential buyers are afraid you might get Ebola from reading it.

#‎WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant‬ answer the question “What is a comet?”

Qatar’s sports minister was asked how gay people will be welcomed at the 2022 World Cup, and gave a vague answer starting with “It’s exactly like the alcohol question…” Which is not great news for LGBT sports fans who want to watch soccer in 122 degree weather, both of them.

Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez on his bad habit. “Biting scares a lot of people. But it’s relatively harmless.” Well that should make competing players feel all warm and fuzzy.

Some airports, including Phoenix Sky Harbor, Boston Logan, and Dallas Fort Worth DFW, now have walking paths for travelers. Denver and O’Hare are sticking with the old model – gates as far apart as possible that usually require a good run to make a flight.

Scott Ostler has the right solution to this joke of a College Football Playoff committee. Put the real impartial experts in charge – a panel of the best oddsmakers in Las Vegas.

USC CB Josh Davis, explaining why he fabricated a story about jumping into a pool to save his nephew, said he was arguing with his girlfriend, and leaped from the balcony because he thought she called the authorities, and as a “black man with dreadlocks” he was afraid.

He added “I didn’t think it could be proved that story was not true. My sister was having a party … my cousin does have a balcony over his pool. … It involved only myself, my sister, two or three little kids, and my cousin.”

Another reason why football players should go to class, in Creative Writing he’d learn how to make up a better story.


It’s early in the NBA season, but so far two of the top teams are Toronto and Memphis. Now that’s a potential Finals matchup that would make the networks long for the ratings lure of a Kansas City-SF World Series.


ESPN announcers talking earlier tonight about how close USC was to having a chance for the College Football Playoffs, with late losses to ASU and Utah. Uh, yeah, and then there was that 13-10 win in Palo Alto that they only got when Stanford flubbed most of their EIGHT trips to the Red Zone.


NBA commissioner Adam Silver wrote in a NY Times op-ed that Congress “should adopt a federal framework that allows states to authorize betting on professional sports” Translation, maybe if more Americans can legally bet on the NBA they might actually pay attention to the 82 game regular season.

Closing doors?

October 2, 2014

Not surprisingly Secret Service director Julia Pierson has resigned. What is surprising, based on her performance in front of Congress, is how Pierson ever got the job in the first place.

The Washington Post is deriding Julia Pierson for allegedly saying last summer that the Secret Service needs “to be more like Disney World.” Except that no one could actually sneak in without a ticket at Disney World.

Jets owner Woody Johnson said he still thinks that Geno Smith “can be a franchise quarterback, I really do.” Of course, the franchise Johnson is talking about might be in the Canadian or Arena Football Leagues.


Ben Affleck was willing to do a nude scene for “Gone Girl” but said he told the director “But I will not wear a Yankees hat. I just can’t…” The man has his priorities straight.

A’s GM Billy Beane said that “if we don’t have Jon Lester, I don’t think we make the playoffs.” Well, sort of. If Oakland still had Cespedes they might not have needed to PLAY the one-game playoff.

Weird playoff trivia. Before the 2nd Wild Card was added in 2012, only four teams in each league made the postseason. If two teams tied for the best runner-up record, they would play a single play-in game. Had that system been in effect this year, the two tied NL teams would have been – the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ and ‪#‎Pirates‬.


JPMorgan Chase said hackers broke into their system and got information from over 80 million customers – names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses, as well as “internal information relating to such users.” But the bank claims birthdates, account numbers and Social Security numbers were not compromised. And why should we doubt them? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Crooks are stupid, British award winner for the week:   In Manchester, a man was caught breaking into a car in front of people training to become bouncers. Despite signs advertising the security classes. (Seven of the trainees caught and handcuffed him.)

Supposedly in the interests of safety, an Arkansas woman has declared the gun range she owns a “Muslim Free Zone.” Let’s see, the number of people who have been killed at gun ranges by Muslims this year is one less than the number killed by little girls.


In Louisiana, two high school English teachers were arrested after a student bragged about having a threesome with them. Parents were appalled, some fathers mostly appalled that there weren’t teachers like that in THEIR high school.


Texas congressman Louie Gohmert has been complaining that the 3,000 troops President Obama is sending to West Africa to fight Ebola will return infected and spread the disease at home. So presume Gohmert will now be one of the first to call for a quarantine of Texas.

Still a longshot. But if both ‪#‎Dodgers‬ and ‪#‎SFGiants‬ advance expect to see the ‪#‎MadBum‬ ‪#‎Puig‬ confrontation on TV ads a few hundred times.


Finally, all this frenzy over a possible epidemic in the U.S. And yes, there IS a contagious disease that will kill thousands of people this year including children. It’s called influenza. Forget Ebola for a while. Get your flu shot.

Midnight baseball

September 30, 2014

Most sleepless night for baseball players not with the Oakland A’s tonight? Angels catchers Chris Iannetta & Hank Conger having nightmares about trying to throw out Royals baserunners….


Kansas City Police (@kcpolice) for the winning tweet of the night   “We really need everyone to not commit crimes and drive safely right now. We’d like to hear the @Royals clinch this.”


#‎As‬ and ‪#‎Royals‬ were so unhappy about a single wild-card game they decided to play two. ‪#‎ALWildcard‬


(Personally I think a single game playoff is wrong, but if MLB is going to have one, maybe they should at least let teams keep their 40 man September rosters…  Though it might have been fun watching infielders pitch in the 16th or 17th inning…)

Wonder how many folks went to bed on the East Coast or turned off the TV in the 7th inning of the #ALWildcard and are waking up this am  “WTF?”

In Las Vegas, the Philadelphia 76ers are projected to win 15.5 games this season. That many?


So parents of young children were supposed to get all upset because ‪#‎HunterPence‬ dropped some F bombs on television but the AL Wild Card can feature a Viagra commercial with a sultry blonde woman saying “Plenty of guys have this issue — not just getting an erection, but keeping it.”

Some cynics are claiming that Chelsea Clinton’s baby was perfectly timed for media impact. Ridiculous. As if anyone looking for maximum publicity would ever time an event to coincide with George Clooney’s wedding.

Theo Epstein said the Cubs’ “goal is the NL Central title next year.” And millions of women are thinking “Yeah, our goal was to marry George Clooney too.”

Michael Phelps was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI. Clearly this man would be better off sticking to pot.

Biggest disappointment of MNF – Nobody found Gisele Bündchen to ask what she thought of her husband’s Patriots teammates afterwards.

New Lakers coach Bryon Scott says he loves that “pretty much everyone has written us off. That’s obviously fuel to the fire.” Alas the fire that is fueled might be longtime fans burning season tickets.

The NFL has quickly admitted they made a mistake penalizing Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah, who knelt in Muslim prayer last night after returning a interception for a touchdown. This would never have happened had Abdullah played for the Raiders, they don’t get any interceptions for touchdowns.

The Rocco Forte hotel chain is offering guests booked through certain travel agents free wi-fi for up to three devices in a room. And a lot of travelers are thinking “So how do we decide which three?”

#‎TonySparano‬ was named the ‪#‎Raiders‬ interim head coach. But really, aren’t all head coaches in Oakland “interim”?

The FCC today eliminated their local blackout rule for NFL games that are not sold out. although the league says they don’t expect to change policy, claiming in a statement “The NFL is the only sports league that televises every one of its games on free, over-the-air television.” And of course the statement was covered on NFL Network and ESPN.

Headline about the latest alleged Secret Service fail. “Obama Rode Elevator With Armed Ex-Convict.” Of course, these days an armed ex-con COULD be an elected official from an open carry state.




Working girls:

May 25, 2012

When the President visited Redwood City on his visit this week,  a local strip club put up this sign


They should have said  – “Welcome Secret Service.”

Or as my friend Ian said “Welcome to San Mateo County.  $5 off a lap dance with your Secret Service ID.”-

In Boxford, Massachusetts a police spokesman reported a herd of cows got loose and wandered into a backyard party. Then (no joke) they started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers. Creating presumably a new phenomenon – self tipping cows.

Score from South Florida Thursday night:  SF 14 – Miami 7.  Uh, who scheduled a preseason NFL game and didn’t tell us?

Berkeley (California) Police Chief Michael Meehan, facing criticism over having 10 police officers search for his son’s stolen iPhone, said it wasn’t “some kind of preferential treatment,” but is something the department “would do for anybody in the city.” Is Meehan smoking something or does he think his constituents are?

Lady Gaga is facing criticism from some Thais when she tweeted after landing in Bangkok that she wanted to go to the market and “buy a fake Rolex.” And some folks in New York City are saying “Hey, what are our street vendors? Chopped liver?”



Despite the massive mess that has become the Facebook IPO, Morgan Stanley did make a lot of money on the deal. This quote from another underwriter: “We think (they’ve) done pretty well. Reputation of the bank aside, Facebook hasn’t been a bad trade for Morgan.” Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?




A private jet landed safely at Ft. Lauderdale’s airport after losing a door while aloft. The door crashed onto a nearby golf course. Major airlines are studying the story and thinking about adding a “door reinforcement” fee.

A rumor in an Australian tabloid said that Kim Kardashian is abusing Valium, but her spokeswoman reportedly replied “It is impossible to be as successful as Kim if you are abusing pills. Her drug is work” Uh, fine, can anyone tell me what work Kardashian actually does?

President Obama answered questions on Twitter tonight. This was one campaign function Barack would never delegate to his V.P. No chance Biden ever gets his thoughts under 140 characters.


Yankees general partner Hal Steinbrenner is denying a NY Daily News story that his family is considering selling the team: “It is pure fiction, the Yankees are not for sale.” Translation, no one’s made us a high enough offer.

United Airlines is no longer allowing families with small children to board early. Now if they can just start restricting those who act like small children.

HP shares rose after the company, now led by CEO Meg Whitman, announced better than expected profits AND plans to eliminate 27,000 jobs. Can’t imagine how folks like Whitman and Mitt Romney get the reputation of just helping the rich get richer.

An alternative High School in Brooklyn, N.Y. will have 500 condoms available for free at the school’s June 7 prom. Some controversy on this, but okay, does anyone really think kids go “Well, I’d never have sex otherwise, but since condoms are available, why not?”

House of Ill-Repute?

April 29, 2012

After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the Secret Service from visiting “non-reputable” establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter the House and Senate?

Not saying Lindsay Lohan has aged but she looks too old for consideration as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.

Newt Gingrich now says he will end his Presidential campaign Wednesday. Newt’s announcement had been planned for Tuesday but both his supporters couldn’t make it.

Ah pitchers. The Rockies placed Jeremy Guthrie on the DL after he hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Was he trying to chew gum at the same time?

Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom (Mr. Etch a Sketch) now says that President Obama’s auto bailout was Mitt’s idea. Right, because the way to get your bailout ideas out there is with an op-ed headline “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.”

LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, who became a couple when they were both married to other people, renewed their vows for their first wedding anniversary. Wonder if it was meant as a renewal or a reminder?

A Polish dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he showed up for an appointment after he dumped her. Were her parting words “Bite Me?”

Yet another example of why President Obama will win the women’s vote: At Ft. Stewart: “For the gentlemen out there who are not yet married, let me just explain to you: Your goal is to improve your gene pool by marrying somebody who is superior to you.”

How could anyone think Mitt Romney doesn’t get it….. At a small university in Ohio he told students “We’ve always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents..

Follow the money.

April 25, 2012

Mitt Romney’ s website states “We have a moral responsibility, not to spend more than we take in.” Although Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he’s following that old W. axiom “money spent on wars doesn’t count.”

The Golden State Warriors, who lose their draft pick to Utah if it’s not a lottery pick, are on the cusp of winning just enough games to probably finish out of that lottery. On the other hand, at least Warriors fans won’t be disappointed again by a another lousy pick.

A case of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in California. Let’s hear it again from Mitt Romney how he wants to cut the FDA food inspection budget by 5-20 percent.

That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants – World Peace is available!

Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking “Dude, give it up already.

No one quite knows why Newt Gingrich finally is saying he might drop out of the Presidential race. Maybe someone said he was wedded to the idea of running?

Starbucks is going to open store at Disney theme parks in California and Florida. Makes sense. These are some of the few places in the world where their coffee will look like a bargain by comparison.

The BCS is looking at a plan to have a 4 team playoff, with the big BCS bowl games played around January 1. New Year’s Day bowl games?! What a radical concept!

A new survey of over 1,000 passengers claims the most popular seat on an average flight in economy class is 6a. Clearly “the furthest seat possible away from a screaming infant” was not an option.

President Obama today to Jimmy Fallon about the Secret Service scandal “”What these guys were thinking, I don’t know.” Uh, Mr. President, that’s the point. They weren’t thinking. At least with their upper brains.

Fenway Fiasco

April 22, 2012

Who knew – on the 100th anniversary weekend of Fenway Park, Boston Red Sox relievers would throw a “Put It On a Tee” Party.

Or maybe they were commemorating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

For those who didn’t hear, the Red Sox on Saturday had a 9-0 lead, and the bullpen blew it in less than two innings.

Wonder if manager Bobby Valentine put out an emergency order for a keg?

And anyone watching Sunday night’s “ESPN Game of the Week” will have fun watching Terry Francona try to keep that smirk off his face.

A new unauthorized biography of Simon Cowell reveals, amongst other things, that the former American Idol judge has had Botox injections. Really, next thing they’ll be trying to tell us is that Cowell is a bit conceited.

(my sister’s comment, you have to admit his breasts look pretty good for a 51 year old.)

The latest news on the Secret Service Scandal is that Colombian authorities are investigating whether some of the prostitutes involved were underage. Forget morals, looks like some of these guys are too stupid to be in the Secret Service.

President Obama has now apparently been briefed on the Secret Service scandal. Bill Clinton has offered to help lead the investigation.

Nebraska CB Alfonzo Dennard, expected to be a 2nd-3rd round NFL pick, was involved in a bar fight and arrested for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. Police say it took four officers to take him into custody. Four officers? Maybe some team should draft him as a kick returner.

Chuck Colson, Nixon’s “evil genius,” who went to prison for his role in the Watergate conspiracy, has died. In 2000, Gov. Jeb Bush restored Colson’s civil rights so he could vote, sit on a jury, run for office and practice law. And called him “a great guy … a great Floridian.” Just imagine the GOP and/or Fox News if a similar sort of pardon had come from Obama.

Trivia for the day: Phil Humber, who just pitched a perfect game for the White Sox, was the winning pitcher for Rice against Stanford in the 2003 College World Series title game.

Still looking for “How old is Jamie Moyer?” jokes…. will post on Monday.

Jamie Moyer – Golden Oldie.

April 18, 2012

Congrats to Jamie Moyer on his first win of the 2012 season. The lefty thus becomes the first MLB pitcher to have a win transmitted not only on the internet, but also by Morse Code.

The Braves have announced plans to retire John Smoltz’s number this spring. Assume Smoltz, 47, will get a gold watch. Presumably when some team retires Jamie Moyer’s number they will give him a gold sundial?

Not only did Americans not win the Boston Marathon, there was only one U.S. runner in each of the men and women’s top ten. What was this, an academic competition?

Kentucky’s starting five players on their National Champion men’s basketball team (three freshman and two sophomores) have all announced they will enter this year’s NBA draft. Call me old-fashioned but it would be nice if when these schools hang the banner there was at least one player around in the fall to see it.

A Texas company had to recall t-shirts because they featured an “SEC” logo over a partial U.S. map. But they left Missouri, new to the SEC, off the map, and included North Carolina, which is not a member. Hmm, assume the apparel firm was founded by former SEC student-athletes?

During his suspension, New Orleans coach Sean Payton will be banned from all NFL contact. Washington fans watching this bounty mess are hoping against hope that Redskins owner Dan Snyder will somehow be implicated.

Ted Nugent spoke to the NRA last week and compared Obama to a coyote that needs to be shot, and said if the President is re-elected “I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Which means Nugent is now getting more Secret Service attention than anyone who’s not a Columbian prostitute.

An ABC News report says Secret Service agents accused of misconduct with prostitutes in Columbia were bragging at a nightclub by saying they worked for Obama. This would never have happened under Clinton, he would have been right there beside them.

Kim Kardashian has now said she intends to run for mayor of Glendale, Calif. Fortunately for the good citizens of the city, her campaign will only last 72 days.

In jury selection for Roger Clemens’ perjury trial, several prospective jurors questioned the value of Congressional hearings on the steroids issue in the first place. Well, it’s not like there are any more pressing issues Congress has to deal with….

A labor dispute may result in the liquidation of Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies and HoHos. In related news, U.S. obesity figures are expected to drop at least 5%.

For most Americans, April 17 was Tax Day. For the Romneys, it was “File-an-Extension-For-The-Taxes-You-Won’t-Pay-Much-of-Anyway Day.”

Flip flop alert: Chris Christie, who has repeatedly said he doesn’t want to be vice president, now says if he gets called he “will sit down and talk to Gov. Romney about it.”. Run with Mitt Romney? Sounds like he’s trying to be Mitt Romney.

There might be gambling in Casablanca too.

April 17, 2012

Secret service men screw around, football players try to injure each other. Next thing someone will be trying to tell us is that there are still performance enhancing drugs in baseball..

Lincecum 0-2 after another really rough first inning. Is prescription medical marijuana allowed by rules of MLB?? Let Timmy smoke!

Mitt Romney, in an interview with Diane Sawyer, was asked about putting his dog Seamus on the car roof, specifically “would you do it again?” His response “Certainly not with the attention it’s received.” In other words, “Well maybe, if I could figure out how to do it with no one finding out.”

New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said this weekend that he didn’t think Boston fan favorite Kevin Youkilis was “as physically or emotionally into the game.” What’s next? Valentine saying he loves and respects the Yankees?

The Patriot-News in Harrisburg, PA won a Pulitzer for local reporting for breaking the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. Wonder if the Pulitzer people will wait 10 years to give them the award.

Vin Scully, 84, has recovered from his severe and is back in the booth at Dodger Stadium. He hopes to call all the team’s remaining home games, especially the upcoming May 11-13 Rockies series, when he can see that “nice young man” Jamie Moyer pitch.

Mitt Romney this weekend said that “Fox News has been good to me.” In related news, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

SF Giants have signed Madison Bumgarner to a contract extension through 2017. By the time the contract is up MadBum will almost be old enough to drink.

Got to love the San Francisco Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, 22, from a small town in North Carolina. Asked what he was going to do with all that money after signing a 5 year $35 million contract, he paused, and then responded. “I don’t know. Maybe buy more cows?.”

The silly season continues. The Wisc. Democratic Party. has filed a complaint alleging Mitt Romney violated bribery laws in handing out free sub sandwiches during the GOP primary while encouraging people to go vote. (The law forbids gifts valued at more than $1 in exchange for a vote.) Romney is laughing it off. But if the Obama campaign starts giving out food, prepare for a Congressional investigation.

Notre Dame has long had an agreement with IMG radio for national broadcasts of all their football games. Now USC announced they have the second such national deal, with ESPN Radio for all of the Trojans’ home games. Once again, can’t imagine how student-athletes get the idea college football is about money.

This whole Secret Service scandal came to light over one man not paying his hooker the $47 he owed her. $47?!! This story may not do much for the reputation of the Secret Service, but it’s likely to do wonders for Columbian tourism.

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.

South American Stupidity.

April 15, 2012

Apparently the Secret Service prostitute scandal came to light with a dispute involving one woman who claimed she wasn’t paid and talked to police. Moral of the story, “Always pay your whores.” (As long as you don’t use campaign funds, yes I mean you John Edwards.)

Augie’s response to my comment that this “More unemployment to blame on Obama – these men would never have been fired if Bill Clinton were President.”

“Not only would they not have been fired, they would have been his security detail while he visited the brothels.”

Though to give Clinton his due, not sure Bill ever had to pay any woman at the time. He did pay enough for his lying later.

Not to say that the Sharks’ loss Saturday night to the Blues was overly fight-filled. But I heard St. Louis won by a TKO.

Once again, “To Kill a Mockingbird” is on the U.S. top ten list of banned books. Wonder how many of these folks who ban books actually read.

For those worried about signs of the apocalypse, it may be a relief to know that Barry Zito does now have an ERA in 2012. On the other hand, the Washington Nationals are in first place.

Robin Gibbs is in a coma. And “Glee” has a Bee-Gees episode planned for Tuesday. Following their Whitney Houston episode earlier this year. The show could be getting more dangerous than the cover of “Madden NFL.”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have announced their engagement. Apparently the ring took almost a year to design. That’s longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries whole relationship.

(Nick Coombs adds “No word yet on if Jolie will try to adopt the child who mined the diamond for her ring.”)

According to, Bobby Petrino’s mistress Jessica Dorrell’s “interview feedback” notes say she had “the most overall experience of building relationships that the football program is looking for.” Well, “building a relationship” is one way to put it.

What was Bobby Petrino thinking? Being in Arkansas, getting involved with a young woman, and putting her on the university payroll? Why, the gal wasn’t even his relative.

Mitt Romney’s campaign has sent out a fundraising solicitation looking for the first 1,000 people who can donate $50,000 and become a “Founding Member” of “Romney Victory.” Well, guess now that he’s looking to the General Election, Mitt decided he needed to reach out to the middle class.

Great game by Matt Cain yesterday in the SF Giants home opener. Only two disappointments: The one hit he allowed in an otherwise perfect game. And his total of 11 strikeouts was two short of the 13 required for all fans to get a coupon for free bratwursts.

Description of the movie “Titanic” in today’s newspaper TV guide: “The ship hits an iceberg.” Gosh, really?! Talk about a spoiler.