Posted tagged ‘trumpcare jokes’

Embarrassment of riches?

July 25, 2017

SF Giants got 11 runs for Madison Bumgarner tonight. In his previous 6 starts they had a total of 12.  Welcome to the 2017 season.

Tonight Madbum got his first win… and his first hit.

Apparently the Red Sox  haven’t yet been soured on SF Giants third basemen.

 

Open note to Red Sox fans.  SF Giants fans know Eduardo Nunez is good player, nice guy… but get your beer ready when he’s on the bases.

John Lackey hit 4 White Sox batters today in a game at Wrigley Field. He does know Cubs are playing SFGiants & Hunter Stickland in 2 weeks?

Lebron James has been publicly very anti-Trump, but he must be at least a little happy-Trumpcare circus is distracting us from @Cavs circus.

Phoenix backup PG Brandon Knight tore his ACL & will miss entire 2017-18 season. On brighter, note, chances go up for Suns getting #1 pick.

In Topeka, Kansas, 17 people have been displaced from their homes after a woman started trying to kill bugs by setting them on fire with her lighter. Unfortunately the fire spread to her mattress and eventually to the entire apartment. Your move, Florida.

Between her “no” vote and her “hot mic”, Susan Collins has now become Democrats and Independents’ favorite Republican.

Apparently when Trump said he would create jobs he really meant he would do it by firing most of the people he first hired.

If anyone is seriously thinking about leaving their current secure job to work for Trump they should remember two words: Jeff Sessions.

Scaramucci “You’re either going to stop leaking, or you’re going to get fired.” So when is Trump going to fire himself?

Turns out the biggest cojones in the GOP Senate belong to two women senators. @lisamurkowski @SenatorCollins

Amendment we need on Trumpcare is simply a requirement all members of Congress personally live (or die) with whatever bill they come up with.

With one vote today John McCain could have gone a long way towards forgiveness for giving us Sarah Palin.

Wonder if McCain’s doctor approved of him getting on a plane so soon after surgery? At least he has a doctor to consult.

I will believe @SenJohnMcCain today only if he holds out to vote for a bill that gives all Americans the healthcare he himself receives.

Less than 6 months after being confirmed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is “taking a little time off.” But, you know, HIllary’s stamina.

Expected lots of nasty things would be said about AG Jeff Sessions. Did not expect they would be said by man who hired him.

Trump “time will tell” if he fires #Sessions. Translation, if I can find someone who will give up their life for 6-month gig in White House.

Ann Coulter said the immigrants who died in that trailer in San Antonio “would still be alive” if we had a wall. Because trucks can’t drive through walls?#WTF?

 

Now Trump is just taunting us – “With exception of the late, great Abe Lincoln, I can be more presidential than any Pres.that’s ever held this office” #WTF?

 

 

Btw, I was a Girl Guide in Canada.    They used to have the same oath as the Boy Scouts (Girl Guides were also founded by Baden-Powell, unlike Girl Scouts.)   Anyway,  it was changed most recently in 2010.  Just guessing Trump would not approve.

Then  “I promise, on my honour, to do my best:
To do my duty to God, the Queen, and my country,
To help other people at all times,
And to obey the Guide Law.”

Now  “I promise to do my best,
To be true to myself, my beliefs, and Canada.
I will take action for a better world
And respect the Guiding Law.”

Colin Kaepernick is looking better and better…

June 27, 2017

Vince Young, upset that he hasn’t been signed this year by an NFL team, is complaining that other “garbage” QBs have jobs and he doesn’t. “I hate to name-drop, but [Ryan] Fitzpatrick is still playing!? He leads the league in interceptions, and he’s still f—— getting paid? I mean, what the f— is going on?”
Well, and who would turn down a chance to have a backup QB with that kind of positive attitude in their locker room?

 

A rare bit of good news for  SF Giants.  Madison Bumgarner not only making rehab start in Sacramento – he’s taking batting practice. #pitcherswhorake

Must have been a slow news day in Boston – TSA found a 20-pound live lobster in checked luggage at Logan Airport. Apparently this is legal as long as the crustacean is properly packaged. But how long until someone tries to avoid checked bag fees by calling their lobster a service animal?

In Florida, a man spent 90 days in jail because cops suspected he had cocaine in his truck, which a lab eventually confirmed was white powdered drywall. Of course, since this was Florida suppose the guy has to be grateful he wasn’t shot.

Rick Perry got to the  White House press podium today and seemed like he wanted to stick around. Will he come up w/ 2-3 good reasons why he should be Press Secretary?

A woman is suing a Manhattan bar after she tore her ACL because she said they allowed her to ride their mechanical bull while “visibly intoxicated.”
Isn’t being “visibly intoxicated” a requirement for riding mechanical bulls?#Darwinwouldbeproud

Bruce Bochy with the baseball quote of the year after a Fox Sports story indicating closer Mark Melancon’s ending a stretching session is part of the SF Giants problem this year -. “It’s pole vaulting over mouse turds.”

A flight at a Shanghai airport was delayed after an elderly lady threw coins into the engine for good luck. Your move, Florida.

(Don’t tell people going on Disney rides.)

 

GOP to delay Trumpcare vote until after July 4. If they delay more than 63 days do they have to wait 6 months to try again?

New owners of Toronto Trump Intl Hotel & Tower made deal to have Trump name taken off property. Many wish White House could make same deal.

Ivanka Trump  “I try to stay out of politics” That’s why she chose to leave her business & kids to be “senior advisor to President of US? #WTF?

 

Pretty amazing that the President who continually rails against “Fake News” retweeted FOUR items from “Fox and Friends” this morning.

Greg, we’re not in New Jersey anymore.

May 24, 2017

Montana new special election slogan?   “And the hits just keep on coming.”

 

 

If Montana congressional candidate Gianforte had to body-slam someone couldn’t it have been whoever came up with the idea for  the Dirty Dancing remake?

 

Just think, before tonight it was only political junkies who were really focused on special election in #Montana #MTAL #Gianforte

Maybe after tonight even if elected Giaforte won’t vote for Trumpcare. Pretty sure it classifies anger issues as pre-existing conditions.

Think White House staff is probably REALLY happy Trump is either jetlagged or asleep & thus not tweeting about Gianforte & the reporter?

Cav’s coach Tyronn Lue, asked about the Warriors “We’re just focused on Boston. The stuff they’re running, it’s harder to defend than Golden State’s [offense] for me….”
And here they tell PLAYERS that “less is more.”

A Fed Exp contract employee in Northern California was arrested for allegedly burglarizing houses while on the job. And many people feel guilty about wasting time on social media at work.

Brock Osweiler, newly with Cleveland, believes he is an NFL starting QB: “I think the proof is in the film for the past two years.”
Hmm, the film on him, or the film on the Browns?

CNN reports “Sessions did not disclose (last year’s)  Russia meetings in security clearance form.” I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. #alternativememory

Pope Francis apparently asked Melania, “What do you feed him?” Can’t wait for #failing tweets when Trump realizes Pope called him “fat”

Sean Spicer, a devout Catholic, wasn’t allowed to attend Trump’s audience with the Pope today.  They couldn’t have even let him watch from outside in the Vatican bushes?  #Sad

 

Ben Carson says living in poverty is a “state of mind.’ But stupidity is forever.

Now President Trump reportedly told Philippine President Duterte that US sent 2 nuclear subs to waters off Korean peninsula. Not sure what reality show Donald wants post-presidency, but it sure won’t be “I’ve got a secret.”

CBO prediction on Trumpcare shows 23 million uninsured by 2026. Trump projections show far fewer as millions of them will die before then.

Uncovered

May 4, 2017

Now, George Hill, Utah’s point guard and second best score, is out.  If this Warriors-Jazz series was a prize fight they would stop it.

The SF Giants had an off day today after flying for tomorrow’s game against the Reds. Assume manager Bruce Bochy told them all to sit in their Cincinnati hotel and order room service?

LaVar Ball’s Big Baller Brand has just released their Lonzo Ball signature first shoe – “ZO2: Prime.” for $495, about 3 times the price of many NBA stars’ shoes from Nike, Adidas etc.
So does the shoe come with a shirt for your significant other saying “I’m with stupid?”

OK, as of 8:30am Friday in London. Americans could stop worrying about news from #BuckinghamPalace & go back to worrying about next @realDonaldTrump tweet.

#PrincePhilip is retiring. From what?

Can BuckinghamPalace send out another teaser tonight, maybe one of the Queen’s corgis had puppies? We Americans need the distraction.

#JayCutler is apparently trying to become an NFL broadcaster. So instead of “Mic drop” will it be “mic intercept?”

Trump – “No American should be forced to choose between dictates of federal govt & tenets of their faith.” So that includes Muslims?

Some uproar with new book saying Barack Obama proposed to another woman before Michelle. Meanwhile Trump married 2 others before Melania.

An Ohio teacher was fired after a photo showed her dragging a child down a school hallway. So maybe she really wants to work for United Airlines?

A man on an ANA flight from Tokyo to Sydney requested gluten-free meals and for breakfast was served, a banana. US airlines are thinking “And the point is…?

People Magazine reports that Casey Anthony is “bored out of her mind.” “I feel so sorry for her,” said nobody.

Who says women don’t know sports? Greta Van Susteren on #AHCA “It’s like claiming victory in a football game at end of 1st quarter or half.”

All I can figure with GOP house members voting for Trumpcare is they just hope those it hurts die before next election.

 

Americans w/ mental health issues will have a harder time getting healthcare but easier time getting guns. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Would any adult who doesn’t have SOME preexisting condition please stand up? #IAmAPreexistingCondition

All Senate needs to do to kill Trumpcare is introduce an amendment saying all members of Congress must use it for healthcare.

Thanks to Senator Sherrod Brown of Ohio for pointing these out. But hey, if you live a good life you shouldn’t have any of them, right?
“Pre-existing conditions in the new healthcare bill include: AIDS/HIV, acid reflux, acne, ADD, addiction, Alzheimer’s/dementia, anemia, aneurysm, angioplasty, anorexia, anxiety, arrhythmia, arthritis, asthma, atrial fibrillation, autism, bariatric surgery, basal cell carcinoma, bipolar disorder, blood clot, breast cancer, bulimia, bypass surgery, celiac disease, cerebral aneurysm, cerebral embolism, cerebral palsy, cerebral thrombosis, cervical cancer, colon cancer, colon polyps, congestive heart failure, COPD, Crohn’s disease, cystic fibrosis, DMD, depression, diabetes, disabilities, Down syndrome, eating disorder, enlarged prostate, epilepsy, glaucoma, gout, heart disease, heart murmur, heartburn, hemophilia, hepatitis C, herpes, high cholesterol, hypertension, hysterectomy, kidney disease, kidney stones, kidney transplant, leukemia, lung cancer, lupus, lymphoma, mental health issues, migraines, MS, muscular dystrophy, narcolepsy, nasal polyps, obesity, OCD, organ transplant, osteoporosis, pacemaker, panic disorder, paralysis, paraplegia, Parkinson’s disease, pregnancy, restless leg syndrome, schizophrenia, seasonal affective disorder, seizures, sickle cell disease, skin cancer, sleep apnea, sleep disorders, stent, stroke, thyroid issues, tooth disease, tuberculosis, and ulcers. To name a few. “

Long time

March 23, 2017

San Antonio Spurs tonight paid tribute to WWII vet Richard Overton, who at 110 years old is the oldest living veteran. And one of the few men alive who remembers Tim Duncan’s rookie year.

A five minute plus instant replay stoppage w/ 1:59 left in #WestVirginia #Gonzaga game making fans long for crisp speed of MLB instant replay

The Oakland As are offering a free cap to any fan who trades in any SF Giants cap. Well, if someone wants a hat in better condition – .A’s caps ARE less likely to be worn out from being worn through the playoffs.

 

When you do not score in the last 2:52 of the 2nd half, it’s pretty hard to win a Sweet Sixteen game. #Arizona #Xavier #marchmadness

#ESPN allowing people who regret their #MarchMadness choices to do a “Second Chance Bracket.” Any way we can do that for the US election?

Matt Barnes, now with the Warriors about playing his former team the Sacramento Kings Friday. “I’m trying to kill them Plain and simple. Things didn’t go well there.”
Great statement from a player with an arrest history now facing a 2017 trial for domestic violence.

Patriots to visit White House on April 19. Wouldn’t it be simpler to invite Kraft, Brady & anyone else who wants to attend to Maralago?

Theresa May opens parliament as usual. #WeAreNotAfraid trending. Well played London, well played.

Fortune magazine names  Theo Epstein greatest leader in world. So is everyone connected with 3-time WS Champion @SFGiants chopped liver?

Trumpcare did not come to a vote today due to lack of GOP support. Can’t wait to see how they’re going to blame this on Obama.

New poll showed today only 17% of Americans support  Trumpcare. Wow. Didn’t know that many people worked for insurance companies.

#NYTimes – Trump says privately he regrets going along w/ Ryan for quick healthcare reform. Because nothing EVER is @realDonaldTrump’s fault

 

Fox News headline says Trumpcare is “on life support.” Well, life support no doubt won’t be covered going forward either.

Trumpcare to exclude preventive care maternity care & pediatric care. While GOP defunds Planned Parenthood. Again 4 words -Pro life my ass.

More populism at its finest. The House today just voted to strike down privacy rules that kept internet providers like AT&T and Comcast from selling your web browsing history without permission.
Make Advertisers Great Again?! #SMH

In Kentucky, a 4-year old is dead after he accidentally shot himself with a gun that the boy’s uncle, a police officer, had left in his truck. #Ifonlyhewerearmed

 

Washington Post reports that the OMB turned down the Secret Service request for an additional $60 million this year to handle security for Trump & his family. Which means per the Post “the agency will likely have to divert other spending to handle the additional burden..
No worries, the only other duties of the agency involve things like cyber crime, credit card/identity fraud. and cases involving missing/exploited minors. Do we feel great again yet?

 

Whatever Happened To … waking up in the morning and not saying “Our President said WHAT?”

From Marc Ragovin, one more on Chuck Barris – “RIP Chuck Barris: Gong but not forgotten.”

A league of their own

March 10, 2017

Amtrak is demanding an apology from Washington Redskins. They are proving to be an insult to real train wrecks.

 

Brock Osweiler traded to the Browns. Well, at least Brock won’t have to deal with any more playoff pressure.

The Bears have released Jay Cutler and apparently the NY Jets may be interested #samecircusdifferenttent

KTVU reports Aldon Smith, hoping to be reinstated by the NFL to play for the Raiders in 2017, was reportedly “detained” for public intoxication when a driver of a car he was in ran into a police car. The driver was detained for alleged DUI.
At 8:30 a.m. Yeah, Smith is really turning over a new leaf.

Gotta say one thing for the Tim Tebow experiment. It does detract from the Mets other hitting problems.

MLB will have a special “Little League Classic” game played in Williamsport, PA (on a regular-sized field) on Aug 20 between the Pirates and the Cardinals. In hopes of reaching more children, the Sunday night game will start at 7pm ET.
Of course, if they REALLY wanted to have children tune in they could play the game in the afternoon.

Michael Jordan at half-time of the Duke-UNC had a verbal faux pas of sorts in saying “the ceiling is the roof.” But now the phrase has caught on and his Jordan brand will be selling “CEILING ROOF GOAT” t-shirts.
Wow. Even the man’s apparent air balls have a way of banking in..

A man caused a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Honolulu to divert to Los Angeles when he got in an altercation with a flight attendant over having to pay $12 for a blanket.
Just wait until he tries to buy a mai-tai in Waikiki.

EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt says CO2 doesn’t cause global warming. Waiting for HHS Secretary Tom Price to say cigarettes don’t cause cancer.

The GOP/Trumpcare bill would make it illegal to use Medicaid at Planned Parenthood, even for STDs, pap smears, cancer screenings and contraception.
Once again, four words “Pro life my ass.”

Maybe liberals should agree all American should have guns, then we can march in to doctors’ offices & hospitals to demand free healthcare.

Now Senator Tom Cotton, usually a Trump ally, says the GOP should wait for the CBO report on their replacement of Obamacare and that the bill as written won’t pass.
A lot easier to complain about something than to fix it, isn’t it?

So if Arnold Schwarzenegger runs for Senate in 2018 will he run as a Republican or a Democrat?

A man who police report has a known history of psychological problems injured seven people today with an axe today at Dusseldorf’s main train station
Scary, but just think, if he were American he could have had a gun.

 

Paul Ryan “This is the closest we’ve been to repealing and replacing Obamacare. And let me just say it again. This is the closest we will ever get to repealing and replacing Obamacare,”
Maybe if the GOP had actually spent any of the last 8 years working on new healthcare policy rather than just voting to repeal the ACA….

Not the charm

March 8, 2017

In Denver, a court issued a warrant to arrest Kings guard Ty Larson, who was on probation for a DUI, and apparently not only failed to complete his community service, but also tested positive for alcohol three times since Sept 2016.
Uh,you’d think if Larson visits Denver he’d at least know one way to relax without alcohol. #cantfixstupid

OK, just how much of a mess are the @NYJets? QB Brian Hoyer reportedly is choosing to sign with the @49ers instead of them.

Andrew Bogut will be out for the rest of year but won’t need surgery. So he should be healthy & ready to get injured again next #NBA season.

It’s #NationalProcrastinationalWeek. Shouldn’t we wait until next week to celebrate?

Thinking Trump may not have written his #WomensDay tweet. It didn’t really grab me.

 

 

While making bracket picks can we have a side bet on how many technical fouls Grayson Allen will get in #MarchMadness?

Well, finally, some good news. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are reportedly calling off their divorce. Will Trump take the credit?

Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly on Trump’s wiretap accusations, “If the President of the United States said that, he’s got his reasons to say it. He must have some convincing evidence that took place. .”
Kelly’s new in town, isn’t he?

Ted Cruz having dinner at White House tonight with Trump. Assume crow & humble pie on the menu?

The GOP promises Americans won’t be sicker under their new health care bill. It will just be referred to as #AlternativeWellness

Exit polls indicated 52% of voters ages 50-64 voted for Trump. And they’re getting biggest premium hike w/ #Trumpcare But her emails..

Lindsay Graham “The country needs an answer to this. The current President has accused the former President of basically wiretapping his campaign.”
What if the answer is simply that the current President is bat-shit crazy.

 

US military budget more than most other countries together, social services lag behind most of Western world. So which will Trump cut?

 

 

Sean Spicer on AARP declaring opposition to “Trumpcare” – It’s not about trying to figure how many special interests in Wash. we can get paid off.” Only the ones who are FOT? #FriendsofTrump?

 

Seriously have to wonder what’s going on when poor and working class Americans are livid about idea of immigrants and poorer people somehow gaming the system for low paying jobs and benefits. While they don’t mind the richest Americans really gaming the system for high paying jobs and to avoid taxes