Posted tagged ‘Jersey Shore jokes’

Shore losers.

June 11, 2012

 

Jersey Shore cast member Deena was arrested for disorderly conduct charge today when a police officer saw her in standing in the street, allegedly “a little intoxicated,” and slapping cars that were driving by. Well, guess regular viewers will be glad to know that even Snooki’s pregnancy won’t alter the essence of the show.

Scary thought, most Americans can probably name more Jersey Shore cast members than they can name justices of the U.S. Supreme Court.

 

Defense attorney Joe Amendola says of the upcoming trial “This is the fight of Jerry Sandusky’s life.” Uh, since Jerry already lost the battle between good and evil?-

In 2012 SF Giants fans have gone from “Let Timmy Smoke” to “Timmy’s pitching, we’ll need to smoke.”

 

“Hempcon” medical marijuana convention is June 15-17 in San Jose, California. Wonder how many attendees will show up a week later?

Many of the “Big Tobacco” funded ads against California’s Prop 29 (cigarette tax) talked about how none of the money went to cancer research. So now that the tobacco companies spent almost $50 million probably to defeat the initiative, when can we expect them to kick in a like amount for that cancer research?

Eurocup, Stanley Cup. It’s a close competition as to which the average American knows less about.

 

Stanford pitcher Mark Appel blamed his horrible start yesterday against Florida State on the humidity and the crowds. Well, playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates he’ll still have to deal with humidity, but shouldn’t be a problem with crowds.

 

Another day, another NFL DUI arrest, this time NY Giants LT David Diehl, who was arrested tonight in Queens after allegedly hitting a couple of parked cars with his BMW. So when will they start writing NFL contracts to include car and drivers?

 

Stony Brook’s college baseball team is America’s new favorite Cinderella team heading towards the College World Series. The biggest question in most sports fans’ minds – where the heck is Stony Brook?

All hail the God of Television:  The 2012 College World Series may well finish before the NBA finals.

 

Budget move? Texas is considering raising the speed limit on a toll road from Austin to San Antonio to 85mph. Well, that’s one way to reduce the number of Americans who will end up needing Social Security.

Lindsay Lohan, who first said the other driver cut her off, is now saying “my brakes failed” when she ran into a truck in her Porsche last week. Uh, longtime Lindsay watchers are thinking maybe it’s not her car that needs the brakes.

 

John McCain is outraged and blaming President Obama as commander in chief for recent national security leaks. Uh, where was this outrage and blame from Senator McCain when the last administration outed Valerie Plame?

Between brackets.

March 21, 2012

No NCAA men’s basketball tournament games until Thursday. Oh the horror. Millions of Americans wlll have to go into the office and actually work.

Peyton Manning has signed with the Denver Broncos. And Alex Smith has apparently re-signed with the San Francisco 49ers.Coach Jim Harbaugh says their relationship is “strong.” Got to love it – “Yeah, that really hot babe turned me down, but of course I love my wife.”

Consumer Reports says that the new Apple iPad temperature can hit 116 degrees. So if you can’t find your iPad, look under the cat.

The Situation from Jersey Shore has checked into rehab. Wow. Add that to Snooki being pregnant, and liquor stores in New Jersey may be forced to declare a state of emergency.

The Memphis Grizzlies signed Gilbert Arenas. Guess they figured despite his past issues it was worth taking a shot?

Santorum wonders why he lost Illinois. Uh, Monday’s statement: “I don’t care what the unemployment rate is going to be. It doesn’t matter to me.” Makes “I don’t care about poor people” sound almost statesmanlike.

Romney wins Illinois. Maybe those in the “Land of Lincoln” just figured “Honest Abe” would haunt them forever if they actually voted for Santorum or Gingrich.

Apparently the premier of DWTS had the worst ratings ever. Not enough controversy…. Say, where’s Donald Trump when you need him? Or for that matter, maybe the producers should ask Callista Gingrich….she’s not doing much that’s useful these days.

At an Obama fundraiser, Robert De Niro (who is married to a black woman), told an inappropriate joke about America not being ready “for a white first lady.” Newt Gingrich has demanded he apologize. So maybe De Niro should have said “America’s not ready for a first lady who’s a third wife?

Anyone else notice that this election season seems to be bringing out more loonies than normal? Well, Hillary Clinton may have put cracks in the glass ceiling but Rick Santorum and others have shattered the glass straitjacket.

According to ESPN, the University of Southern Mississippi has revoked scholarships for (and removed from their band), 5 students who heckled a Puerto Rican Kansas State player during a NCAA basketball tournament game last week. Strong message. Now if schools would only discipline athletes that way.

The Stanford men’s basketball team came from 11 points down with 9 minutes to play to beat Illinois State and advance to the Not-Quite-Elite Eight of the NIT. So friends, the wall is open. What does one do with a potential NIT banner?

Another thought on that proposed Tennessee law that would publicize the names of abortion doctors and detailed personal information on the women having the procedures. Where’s the rider also to include potentially identifying details on the men who got those women pregnant?

Loserville:

April 8, 2011

The Cubs have started 3-3. But at Wrigley Field the attendance on Monday was 26,292, the lowest since 2002. Normally there aren’t so many empty seats at Wrigley until the whole place is empty in October.

Natalie Portman said in an interview “I’m too old to be a stoner.”
“Speak for yourself, honey,” responded Willie Nelson.

Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy three times, now he’s so concerned about President Obama’s birth that he says he’s sent a team of investigators to Hawaii “in hopes of getting to the bottom of the issue.” And this is the man who hopes to convince Americans he should be the one to oversee government spending?

Regarding “The Donald’s” potential presidential bid, Bill Cosby told Meredith Vieira on the “Today” show that Trump should “run or shut up.” Some of us wish he would do both.

 

The 2011 Boston Red Sox payroll is over $161 million, and the team is 0-6. With that kind of pay to performance ratio the Sox should be the official team of the U.S. Congress.

The trip to Italy for the cast of Jersey Shore has been postponed. Many things apparently have to be negotiated first. Including America’s non-aggression pact with Italy.

For those who wonder, how could Lebron James have grown up so clueless and self-absorbed,  here’s a story: Lebron’s mother was arrested by Miami Beach police after she reportedly assaulted a valet because it was taking too long to have her car delivered.

Bill Littlejohn, with a variation on the above  incident.   LeBron James has become a minority owner of Liverpoll FC..  Scotland Yard had this reaction:  “Soccer hooligans, we can handle. Just tell him to please don’t bring his mother.”

President Obama said Wednesday night there was “no reason” not to come to a deal and avoid a budget shutdown. Alas, when in recent memory has reason had anything to do with it?

Once again, how can you write a punchline? And how can you make stuff like this up? Fox News hose Bill O’Reilly, talking about potential budgets cuts for “non-vital” programs: “Nodody’s life is affected by NPR. Nobody’s life is affected by Planned Parenthood. These are options.”  (Yes, he said this.)

Augie’s comment about Ann Coulter coming to San Francisco.  Wonder if she’ll be speaking  at the
Y-M-C-A.?   I hear there’s a run on the Village People costumes. “