Posted tagged ‘Jerry Sandusky jokes’

It’s not over…

October 10, 2012

None of Major League Baseball’s Division Series have ended up sweeps with one team 3 and out. You know what this means.  All four series’ have lasted longer than some NBC new sitcoms.

The Cardinals really teed off on Nationals starter Edwin Jackson today, a career .500 pitcher. Gosh, if only Washington had a really top notch starting pitcher they could have used for game 3.

Meanwhile, the SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum threw 42 out of his 55 pitches today for strikes. And Giants manager Bruce Bochy is thinking “You mean, all I had to do was put him in the bullpen?”

Okay, a question from Wednesday afternoon. Did the aliens who were inhabiting the SF Giants hitters’ bodies go back to their home planet, or were these the aliens today? Because it is not the same team we have seen since Saturday.

Bus to hell time: Jerry Sandusky has apparently been placed on suicide watch. I think a lot of Americans would pay to watch.

Watching Prince Fielder have to think that if he ever tries to slide into third base with Pablo Sandoval trying to block him it would register on the Richter scale.

Apparently the man who was stopped in Los Angeles with a bulletproof vest and a smoke grenade in his luggage was actually screened before boarding a flight in Korea. So it is possible to have security that is worse than TSA.

Washington State football coach Mike Leach said some of the seniors on his team have been “zombie-like” and “have an empty-corpse quality.” Way to throw your team under the bus, said even Bobby Valentine.

So Facebook now has a “Promote” button, where for $7 you can tell your friends your post is important. Here’s news for them, if you have to TELL your friends your post is important, it isn’t important.

-Mitt Romney 7.0 “There’s no legislation with regards to abortion that I’m familiar with that would become part of my agenda.” Of course, maybe he’s not saying he’s changed his views, maybe he’s saying he’s not actually familiar with ANY legislation.

Rick Santorum said today that marriage will “disintegrate” along with the American family if same-sex marriage becomes legal. Uh, really? So far marriage has been strong enough to survive the Kardashians.

TBS announcers talking about what a tough job Yankees manager Joe Girardi has had this year. And 29 another teams with lesser payrolls are thinking “Oh, STFU.”

 

Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is apparently trying to build a new cruise ship that will be an exact full size replica of the Titanic.   Uh, maybe a few small changes might be in order.

Still guilty.

June 24, 2012

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers now say they tried to quit at the beginning of the trial, ostensibly because they didn’t have enough time to prepare for the case with so many witnesses and allegations. When asked what would have been enough time, they allegedly responded “about 20-30 years.”

Bus to hell time. Jerry Sandusky is on suicide watch. And I’m thinking, there are probably a lot of Americans who’d pay to watch.

Jeb Bush, yesterday complimented President Obama on immigration in a speech, and said “when we find common ground we shouldn’t fight anymore, we should move on and build on that success.” Well, no worries about a 3rd Bush in the White House, with talk like that he’ll never get through a GOP primary.

Jeff Kent is rumored to be a  future contestant on “Survivor.” (Really.) Let’s hope one of the challenges doesn’t involve washing a truck.

Germany reached the Eurocup semifinals by beating  Greece 4-2 Friday. Wonder if after the loss the Greek team asked the Germans to pay for their flight home?

Most Americans are paying so little attention to the Eurocup that they admit they don’t remember when the U.S. team was eliminated.

David Blankenhorn, the chief witness for Prop 8 in California, wrote an editorial saying he has changed his mind, and now believes the right to gay marriage is “basic fairness.” Wonder what really tipped him, knowing more gay couples, or watching people like the Kardashians?

Today is the 40th anniversary of Title IX. While the law isn’t perfect, two words for men who think it’s only benefited women: beach volleyball. –

Saturday afternoon, right in the middle of the baseball season, and no games on TV because of MLB and Fox’s exclusivity contract. To paraphrase Bryce Harper, “That’s a clown contract, bro.”

 

A fast-food employee in Southern California was arrested after stabbing a customer after a dispute over his drive-thru order. Wonder how many other service employees have at least fantasized about doing the same thing.

Philadelphia Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon offered, and then said he paid, teammate Jim Thome $5,000 for hitting a walkoff homerun against the Tampa Bay Rays after Papelbon blew the save. Out of habit, Roger Goodell tried to suspend him.

Bill Littlejohn:  “House Speaker Rep. John Boehner says that if the Supreme Court strikes down Pres. Obama’s health care law, ‘there will be no spiking of the ball’.  He will, however, encourage the signing of it with a Sharpie”

(Of course,  if  he does spike the ball and it hits him in the face Boehner at least has healthcare.)

From Marc Ragovin: Its gotten so bad for the Florida Marlins, who have now lost 15 of their last 17 games, that today Fidel Castro expressed amazement that Ozzie Guillen was still in power.

Guilty, guilty, guilty.

June 23, 2012

Jerry Sandusky will probably be assigned to the geriatric unit of a minimum security prison. We can only hope it’s not solitary confinement.

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer told reporters today he would be shocked and “die of a heart attack” if the ex-coach were acquitted on all counts. Heck, after hearing the testimony, he’s probably shocked Sandusky even got bail.

You can’t make this stuff up, Friday edition: A 46 yr. old mom was sentenced to probation, parenting classes and banned from Nordstrom’s for leaving her 11 wk old twins in the car while she returned purchases. The part you can’t make up, her job is program director at the Bay Area Surrogacy Program, providing professional advice to new parents.

Well, at least the Jerry Sandusky verdict got Lebron and the Heat off the sports front page.

And for that matter,  “poor” Rielle Hunter.   The Sandusky verdict Friday night made it a bad weekend for to be a media whore on a book tour.

Rielle Hunter is saying she has no regrets about her affair with John Edwards. Duh. The woman is so publicity and money hungry, she’s been made an honorary Kardashian.

 

Charlie Sheen, who is returning to television in FX’s new “Anger Management,” says It’s “I’m done playing a drunken, womanizing, immature character. This time I’m playing an adult.” But enough about his life, what’s the show about?

Mary Cheney married her longtime partner Heather Poe today. Fox News is trying to figure out how to blame this on Obama.

The Heat partied until 6am at the Fountainebleau Hotel after their championship win last night. No wonder Miami was so set on winning at home. Only place open until 600a in Oklahoma City probably is an IHOP.

Some are saying that this year’s NBA finals mark the beginning of a long rivalry between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat. Meanwhile in Seattle and Cleveland they’re joining together for the NBA version of the “First Wives Club.”

 

Can you hear me now?

June 13, 2012

Apple has a lot of plans to expand Siri. Is this really the best idea? As most married women know, men may start out paying a lot of attention to a specific female voice, but over the years learn to tune it out.

Roger Clemens chose not to testify in his own defense at his trial. Had Roger just not VOLUNTEERED to testify before Congress in the first place,  think of the tiime and money that would have been saved.

So if Mitt Romney really believes the private sector does so much better a job than government workers, and he really cares about his family as much as he claims to do, why doesn’t he fire his Secret Service detail and use private security?

Inspired by Peter Woolery: In Los Angeles hockey fans are listening to “We are the Champions.” In New Jersey, it’s “Sympathy for the Devil.”

 

A tale of two cities: The population of Cleveland in 2010, 396,815, metropolitan area 2,063,283. Oklahoma City 579,999, with a metro-area population of 1,252,987. Early times in the NBA finals, but maybe size isn’t all that matters.

This summer Burger King is offering a sundae with vanilla ice cream, fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon. Where’s NY Mayor Bloomberg when we really need him?

Sleaze update of the day. Former PSU asst. coach Mike McQueary testified today about seeing Jerry Sandusky in the show with a boy who looked about 10-12 and that he heard a “skin-on-skin smacking sound.” One question for McQueary, how did you live with yourself seeing Sandusky regularly around campus after that?

Casey Anthony in a phone interview with Piers Morgan. “Obviously I didn’t kill my daughter.” “Obviously?” Well, not exactly.

But really, why did Casey Anthony choose now to do a public interview?  Was she afraid Jerry Sandusky would take her “Most Hated American” title?

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada said today that Manny Pacquiao was robbed in his match against Timothy Bradley. Wonder if this means when the government gets through with spending millions on the Clemens trial, they will go after boxing next.

Sources say an open container of alcohol was found in Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche after her accident. Maybe she figures going back to jail is cheaper than rehab?

(My friend Laura T. says “Where’s Johnny Cochran when you need him? The bottle was left in the car by someone else -if the lips don’t fit, you must acquit…”)

Rory McElroy, the U.S. Open reigning champion, did a nice job of throwing out the first pitch at tonight’s S.F. Giants game. He said he was practicing by throwing golf balls. Hmm, can anyone pick up a package of those for Tim Lincecum?

Latest MLB controversy, Tigers closer Jose Valverde allegedly throwing a spitball Sunday night against the Reds. Brings to mind Don Sutton’s great denial of putting a foreign substance on the ball: “Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States..

The SF Giants’ 16 game home run drought at A T and T Park is over. So who had Madison Bumgarner in the pool?

At 37, Vladimir Guerrero has been released by Toronto Blue Jays and is available. Is he past his prime enough for SF Giants to sign him?,

Lindsay Graham has broken with Grover Norquist’s and his anti-tax pledge. Graham wants the U.S. to eliminate some tax deductions to get out of debt, saying that due to the country’s poor fiscal climate, the Republican party’s position must evolve. What’s more heretical to the rest of the GOP? Effectively raising taxes or talking about evolution?

Shore losers.

June 11, 2012

 

Jersey Shore cast member Deena was arrested for disorderly conduct charge today when a police officer saw her in standing in the street, allegedly “a little intoxicated,” and slapping cars that were driving by. Well, guess regular viewers will be glad to know that even Snooki’s pregnancy won’t alter the essence of the show.

Scary thought, most Americans can probably name more Jersey Shore cast members than they can name justices of the U.S. Supreme Court.

 

Defense attorney Joe Amendola says of the upcoming trial “This is the fight of Jerry Sandusky’s life.” Uh, since Jerry already lost the battle between good and evil?-

In 2012 SF Giants fans have gone from “Let Timmy Smoke” to “Timmy’s pitching, we’ll need to smoke.”

 

“Hempcon” medical marijuana convention is June 15-17 in San Jose, California. Wonder how many attendees will show up a week later?

Many of the “Big Tobacco” funded ads against California’s Prop 29 (cigarette tax) talked about how none of the money went to cancer research. So now that the tobacco companies spent almost $50 million probably to defeat the initiative, when can we expect them to kick in a like amount for that cancer research?

Eurocup, Stanley Cup. It’s a close competition as to which the average American knows less about.

 

Stanford pitcher Mark Appel blamed his horrible start yesterday against Florida State on the humidity and the crowds. Well, playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates he’ll still have to deal with humidity, but shouldn’t be a problem with crowds.

 

Another day, another NFL DUI arrest, this time NY Giants LT David Diehl, who was arrested tonight in Queens after allegedly hitting a couple of parked cars with his BMW. So when will they start writing NFL contracts to include car and drivers?

 

Stony Brook’s college baseball team is America’s new favorite Cinderella team heading towards the College World Series. The biggest question in most sports fans’ minds – where the heck is Stony Brook?

All hail the God of Television:  The 2012 College World Series may well finish before the NBA finals.

 

Budget move? Texas is considering raising the speed limit on a toll road from Austin to San Antonio to 85mph. Well, that’s one way to reduce the number of Americans who will end up needing Social Security.

Lindsay Lohan, who first said the other driver cut her off, is now saying “my brakes failed” when she ran into a truck in her Porsche last week. Uh, longtime Lindsay watchers are thinking maybe it’s not her car that needs the brakes.

 

John McCain is outraged and blaming President Obama as commander in chief for recent national security leaks. Uh, where was this outrage and blame from Senator McCain when the last administration outed Valerie Plame?

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s

Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.


Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

Another “Perry in the headlights” moment.

November 15, 2011

Since deer were complaining, “Hey, we don’t look THAT stupid.”

Herman Cain’s excuse for flubbing a question on Libya – he had only had four hours of sleep. Well, and shouldn’t that make us feel all warm and fuzzy about that potential 3:00am phone call?

In GOP Congressman Allen West’s defense of waterboarding, he cited that in the movie ‘G.I. Jane,’ Demi Moore was waterboarded. Great, what’s next? Some other congressman citing that noted terrorism expert Jack Bauer?

After his team went to 0-10, owner Jim Irsay tweeted “FAITH.” Responded God “Hey NFL, I’m giving you Tim Tebow, how many miracles do you want?”

Rex Ryan said the time-out called by Mark Sanchez near the end of the first half (with 17 seconds left on the play clock, thus leaving more time for Tom Brady to score), was “the stupidest thing in football history.” After watching the Falcons go for it on 4th and 1 at their own 29 against the Saints in OT, I’m not even sure it was the stupidest thing on Sunday.

Regarding Jerry Sandusky: Who thought it would be such a short reign as “Most hated person in America” for Casey Anthony.

Blech. Yes I know about innocent until proven guilty, but…. Jerry Sandusky in an interview with Bob Costas tonight said that he had only “horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts.” Never thought I would look back with nostalgia on the innocent days of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

After the interview with Sandusky, Costas’ first comment was reputedly. “I need a shower…. Uh, make that a bath.”

From my funny friend Jim Barach “Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued from kidnappers in his home country of Venezuela. He says it was the scariest moment of his life. Next to the time he thought he was going to be drafted by the Cubs.”

Patti Reagan has an article out in Harper’s Bazaar on potential first ladies., and in it she mention that Marcus Bachmann “shops for his wife’s wardrobe, coordinating her outfits so well that Michele Bachmann has bragged about his ‘good sense of style.’”. Gosh, can’t imagine how the rumors got started that Marcus is gay.

Newt Gingrich is claiming his two week luxury cruise to Greece and Turkey gave him a better understanding of the Greek debt crisis….

Next we’re going to hear about how all those tens of thousands of people that Mitt Romney laid off gave him a better idea of how to deal with unemployment.

All aboard the bus to hell

November 10, 2011

Okay, this first joke is bus to hell worthy.

But these days that bus is pretty full anyway.

The Vatican issued a statement that they were appalled by the Penn State allegations. And they don’t understand why Jerry Sandusky wasn’t immediately transferred to another school.


And no “how do you separate the men from the boys at Penn State” jokes. Because, clearly, they don’t.

Glad the truth is coming out, but already looking back wistfully a few days ago to when the most embarrassing stories in college football involved memorabilia, players being paid, and the BCS.

College students are rioting in State College over the firing of Joe Paterno. And two things about the rioters are probably true: One, the kids love Joe Pa; two, they are too young to have kids of their own.

In State College, PA there’s a half-block mural “Inspiration”, that has pictures of famous people in the community. The mural had included Jerry Sandusky. But artist Michael Pilator painted him out, replacing the ex-coach with an empty chair and a blue ribbon to symbolize the victims. Well, at least someone connected with Penn State did SOMETHING.

Apparently the allegations against Sandusky surfaced in 2009, when he was an asst. high school football coach (yuck) and a 15 year old said he had been touched inappropriately. The school told Children and Youth Services, who got the attorney general’s office involved. The grand-jury investigation started that summer. One of many questions, stories about Bonds and steroids leaked immediately, what took this so long?

Not defending Joe Pa, but the idea of putting football before justice is not a new one. Remember Lawrence Phillips? He almost killed his ex-girlfriend, and might have if her new boyfriend hadn’t shown up to rescue her. Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne suspended Phillips briefly but brought his star player back for the National Championship, which the Cornhuskers won. Osborne’s “punishment?” He stayed on as coach, was elected to Congress, and is now the Nebraska AD.

Joe Paterno said in his retirement statement, he was “absolutely devastated by the developments in this case.” Yeah, but not half as devastated as the children his ex-assistant allegedy abused.

One of several scary thoughts about this Penn State mess. If Sandusky hadn’t been seen, and if Joe Pa hadn’t been so stubborn about staying a figurehead long past when he should have retired, Sandusky would now be the Nittany Lions head coach.

AP Headline “Another star gracefully leaves Dancing.” Punning aside, this might be the first time Nancy Grace and “gracefully” have been used together.

Since his good friend Brett Ratner was booted as the producer of Academy Awards over some offensive comments, Eddie Murphy has announced he will no longer host next year’s Oscars. Thus disappointing both people who were looking forward to seeing him.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers just signed Albert Haynesworth. Which is good news. For the Saints and other teams in the NFC South.

Meanwhile, back in the realm of ordinary college football tawdriness, UCF’s (University of Central Florida) athletic director, along with an asst. football coach and the men’s basketball coach, over alleged recruiting violations. Ah timing. This might end up one of the least reported such major college football scandals ever.