Posted tagged ‘Joe Paterno jokes’

Tale of the tape delayed.

August 5, 2012

Just back from a couple weeks in Europe.  Which means trading watching live Olympics in languages I don’t understand where they show the winners, to “cut and paste” late night USA highlights. Remind me to do this again in four years.

Michael Phelps says he’s not going near the water again. Does that include water pipes?

New Texas GOP Senate nominee Ted Cruz, said of his desire to cut the deficit, that he’d “be happy to compromise and work with anybody, Republicans, Democrats, libertarians, I’ll work with Martians.” Actually, given the polarization in D.C. these days, Martians might be his best bet.

Lindsey Graham just called Harry Reid a liar for saying he had heard Romney had not paid taxes for 10 years. The same Lindsey Graham who after Osama was killed said, ” Why doesn’t Obama just clear the matter up? I know bin Laden is dead, but the best way to protect our decisions overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.”

President Obama’s 51st birthday was yesterday. Assume Donald Trump sent him a card saying “Prove it.

The Chicago Cubs, who were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers, blew multiple leads in losing today,  giving up runs in four of the last five innings. Are the Cubs trying to be the official baseball team of Olympic badminton?

The Paterno family is demanding an appeal of the NCAA Penn State sanctions. Okay, maybe this isn’t a “quit while you’re ahead” situation, but maybe it’s “keep your mouths shut and quit reminding people” for a while? But then denial may also be a river in State College.

Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney. So where are Karl Rove and all the outraged Republicans who criticized Clint and accused him of being “bought” back in February for that Super Bowl “Halftime in America” ad.

Which takes less time – the Men’s 100 meter dash, or the coverage NBC devotes to sports where the USA doesn’t do well?

This is TCU’s first year in the Big 12. And Sunday coach Gary Patterson announced that starting QB Casey Pachall won’t face team discipline after admitting to police in February he had used marijuana and also failed a drug test. Looks like the Horned Frogs will fit in just fine in a major conference.

Since WNBA and early Women’s March Madness blowout games get extremely low ratings, why does NBC think out of all the Olympics that what we most wanted to see Sunday morning was Team USA beating up on the Chinese?

All these world records in swimming… Wow.    Of course, after Ryan Lochte’s comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible.

So regarding this “kiss-in” at Chick-Fil-A between same sex couples, including a lot of lesbians.  Wonder how many conservative men showed up  just “to keep an eye on what these ungodly people are doing.”

How many times can a man turn his head…?

July 22, 2012

Can we make  “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?

The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.

Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno.    If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?

Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?

(my friend Steve Moyer suggests  ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)

Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”

And another serious thought:   Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings.   Uh,  while I hate guns,  I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves.  But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ?  In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.

And okay, so the guy got the guns legally.  If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition?   And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere?    (Heck,  Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week,  the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)

 

What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days —  “Let’s go Yankees!”  and  “When does the NFL season start?”

Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow,  Mets?”

Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.

And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh,  PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears.  (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:

Sears’ new slogan?  “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”

Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention?  “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?

“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.

More suggestions encouraged.

Risky business.

July 17, 2012

Another day, another sports DUI arrest.  (Today the NFL  Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.) Maybe teams should start adding “doing your own driving” to prohibited activities like spelunking and skydiving.

NY Police reportedly say that Jason Kidd was so drunk when HE was arrested he didn’t even know how he had crashed his car. Kidd was signed to be a mentor to Jeremy Lin – Uh, maybe to give him advice like “Dude, when you’re hammered, call a taxi?”

From Maaj  “Jason Kidd got a DWI. He tried to pass the sobriety test but it got picked off.”

Joe Paterno’s family is denying the Louis Freeh report’s findings. Sounds like denial is genetic.

Interesting. Many of the people who said that Joe Paterno was NOT getting doddering and senile, are now defending him by saying he was….

The President and Vice President attended tonight’s exhibition game between the U.S. and Brazil. Team USA had to rally from an early 10 point deficit to win 80-69. Just as well, otherwise the GOP would have one more thing for which to blame Obama.

Kudos to Susan Collins of Maine just cast her 5000th consecutive vote. (Third longest ever.). As one of the few moderates in the Senate, Collins often has to be one of the deciding votes on close bills. So this ought to silence (again) those who believe women don’t have the stomach for tough politics.

Cincinnati star Joey Votto will have surgery on a torn meniscus, and will be out 3-4 weeks. The injury was sustained June 29, when the Reds were playing….San Francisco. Yep, the Giants broke ANOTHER player.

(Oscar B. says, “how long until an MLB investigation?”)

Target is now stocking new same-sex marriage along with tradtional marriage cards. Very cool. The company is embracing tolerance, or at least LGBT buying power.

Nadia Lockyer resigned in April her Alameda County, California, board of supervisor’s position after a drug/sex scandal. Today state treasurer Bill Lockyer has filed for divorce. And who saw this coming?

Donald J. Sobol, 87, has passed away. He authored the Encyclopedia Brown series. Wonder how many clues mourners will have to find to make it to his funeral.

Lindsay Lohan’s dad is going to have another child with his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major. It’s times like these that you wish the requirements to become a parent were at least as strict as adopting a pet from the Humane Society.

 

Golden State Warriors center is apparently being investigating in his home country of Latvia for alleged income tax evasion. Well, that’s a change. An NBA player evading taxes? Usually it’s child support.

Tim Pawlenty for Romney’s V.P.? Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like “Mr. Excitement.”

Statue of limitations?

July 15, 2012

Penn State at this point says they will not take down the Joe Paterno statue.  Makes a certain amount of sense. The statue isn’t any guiltier than Joe-Pa was of doing nothing to stop Jerry Sandusky.

So now Jeremy Lin, who Knicks coach Mike Woodsen said last week would be New York’s starting point guard, may end up in Houston. Or maybe the Knicks are just playing hard to get. Anyone else find all this drama more interesting than the NBA regular season?

 

The SF Giants may not have bounties but they are breaking more opposing players than the New Orleans Saints.  (Saturday night,  the Houston Astros’ Jed Lowrie with an ankle strain.)

Nice job for Tim Lincecum tonight (even if a freak play-wild pitch on a strikeout plus an error – allowed tying run to score from second cost him a win).   Who needs a Triple A “rehab” start when you can play the Houston Astros.

Fed up with an unusually rainy several months, the London Times declared in a recent editorial: “Let us make our position crystal clear: We are against this weather.” Hey, if it works maybe we should try this in the US.

The New York Yankees have the best record in baseball, and the most home runs. But they no doubt will grab a couple more stars at the trade deadline. The team stockpiles players like some women buy shoes.

Mitt Romney is saying that Obama ads about his time at Bain “beneath the dignity of the president and his campaign.” Guess he thinks such ads should be left to “nonprofit” Super PACS?

Penn State has announced plans to renovate their football locker room shower room after the Sandusky scandal. Dynamite would be a good start.

Ah technology. If you waitlist an upgrade on United Airlines these days, and change the flight, the waitlist automatically stays in for the ORIGINAL flight. So you can be confirmed in first or business flight on a plane you are no longer taking. What could possibly go wrong….

(for starters, the computer can cancel your new flight and put you back on the flight you changed from, even if you paid the penalty to reissue the ticket….)

Where’s FEMA when you need them?

January 28, 2012

This just in: Penn State campus police say they are investigating a report that Joe Paterno may be sick.

Mitt Romney was campaigning in Orlando today. It went well except for one awkward moment when a Disney employee saw him and reported that one of their audio-animatronic figures must have gotten loose.

Apple’s CEO Tim Cook says he is “outraged” at reports of worker mistreatment. Is he outraged that workers are being treated badly or outraged that the media is reporting it?

Frank McCourt is starting to weed down groups bidding for the Dodgers. Great….and this selection process is being done by the man who made Los Angeles the franchise it is today.


My friend Jeff Klein (from Los Angeles) points out “He is the only person I know who can derail one of the biggest sports franchises, declare bankruptcy, have a messy divorce, be despised by everyone, endure a take over by MLB, and end up leaving one billion dollars richer. Romney-McCourt 2012.”

Mitt Romney is really getting angry at Newt Gingrich in Florida. Wonder how long it will take before Mitt threatens to strap him to the roof of the campaign bus.

On other hand, Romney apparently leads Newt Gingrich by 10 points with women in a recent Florida poll. Makes sense – the state is full of a lot of first and second wives.

Drew Brees, who will be a free agent, isn’t talking about “feeding his family,” or “being respected,” or testing the market. He does say he doesn’t want his deal to keep the Saints from retaining other key free agents. “My No. 1 priority, and it always has been this, is keeping our team together.” What a concept.

Colts owner Jim Irsay isn’t happy about Peyton Manning’s comments about the team, including saying that Indianapolis may not bring him back. Irsay said Manning should have “kept it in the family.” Well, at least for a few weeks, until the Colts owner was planning on booting him out of the family.

Stories continue to emerge about the dysfunctional Jets locker room, and indeed NY coach Rex Ryan said he didn’t have “the pulse” of the team. Many Jets fans were surprised to hear that – the team was playing like they didn’t HAVE a pulse.

The Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead at home Thursday night, and lost to the Boston Celtics 91-83. The Magic scored EIGHT points in the 4th quarter. What, is Dwight Howard now angling for a trade to Miami?

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s

Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.


Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

All aboard the bus to hell

November 10, 2011

Okay, this first joke is bus to hell worthy.

But these days that bus is pretty full anyway.

The Vatican issued a statement that they were appalled by the Penn State allegations. And they don’t understand why Jerry Sandusky wasn’t immediately transferred to another school.


And no “how do you separate the men from the boys at Penn State” jokes. Because, clearly, they don’t.

Glad the truth is coming out, but already looking back wistfully a few days ago to when the most embarrassing stories in college football involved memorabilia, players being paid, and the BCS.

College students are rioting in State College over the firing of Joe Paterno. And two things about the rioters are probably true: One, the kids love Joe Pa; two, they are too young to have kids of their own.

In State College, PA there’s a half-block mural “Inspiration”, that has pictures of famous people in the community. The mural had included Jerry Sandusky. But artist Michael Pilator painted him out, replacing the ex-coach with an empty chair and a blue ribbon to symbolize the victims. Well, at least someone connected with Penn State did SOMETHING.

Apparently the allegations against Sandusky surfaced in 2009, when he was an asst. high school football coach (yuck) and a 15 year old said he had been touched inappropriately. The school told Children and Youth Services, who got the attorney general’s office involved. The grand-jury investigation started that summer. One of many questions, stories about Bonds and steroids leaked immediately, what took this so long?

Not defending Joe Pa, but the idea of putting football before justice is not a new one. Remember Lawrence Phillips? He almost killed his ex-girlfriend, and might have if her new boyfriend hadn’t shown up to rescue her. Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne suspended Phillips briefly but brought his star player back for the National Championship, which the Cornhuskers won. Osborne’s “punishment?” He stayed on as coach, was elected to Congress, and is now the Nebraska AD.

Joe Paterno said in his retirement statement, he was “absolutely devastated by the developments in this case.” Yeah, but not half as devastated as the children his ex-assistant allegedy abused.

One of several scary thoughts about this Penn State mess. If Sandusky hadn’t been seen, and if Joe Pa hadn’t been so stubborn about staying a figurehead long past when he should have retired, Sandusky would now be the Nittany Lions head coach.

AP Headline “Another star gracefully leaves Dancing.” Punning aside, this might be the first time Nancy Grace and “gracefully” have been used together.

Since his good friend Brett Ratner was booted as the producer of Academy Awards over some offensive comments, Eddie Murphy has announced he will no longer host next year’s Oscars. Thus disappointing both people who were looking forward to seeing him.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers just signed Albert Haynesworth. Which is good news. For the Saints and other teams in the NFC South.

Meanwhile, back in the realm of ordinary college football tawdriness, UCF’s (University of Central Florida) athletic director, along with an asst. football coach and the men’s basketball coach, over alleged recruiting violations. Ah timing. This might end up one of the least reported such major college football scandals ever.

Cam, we hardly knew ye.

January 14, 2011

Or at least beyond what the NCAA considered reasonable doubt.

Auburn quarterback and Heisman winner Cam Newton declared for the NFL draft.  Just in time for the NCAA to complete their investigation and say he WOULD have been suspended for the 2011 season.

Newton was asked, if like Andrew Luck, he has plans some day to complete his degree. His response “What’s a degree?”

One good fit for Cam Newton might be playing for Pete Carroll in Seattle.  After all, after all Carroll’s years at USC, who else has more experience in dealing with semi-pro players?.

Football coach Les Miles has agreed to a seven year contract at LSU. This way he might see some of his current freshmen actually graduate.

The San Jose Sharks have  now lost six games in a row.   Who do they think they are?  The Maple Leafs?

Stand by for Waffle Night at the Shark Tank.  Or maybe since this is the food-obsessed Bay Area, Crepes.

(Note to non-hockey fans, disgruntled Leafs fans, if that isn’t redundant,  started throwing waffles on the ice to express their displeasure with the team, although Toronto is actually winning lately.)

Ted Williams, the formerly homeless man with the amazing voice, is headed to rehab. Well, we knew he wanted to get into acting. Maybe he wants to work with Lindsay Lohan.

New Cardinal head football coach David Shaw, 38, says he wants to be a “lifer” at Stanford. Don’t laugh, he’s starting out in the job two years younger than Joe Paterno was when he took over at Penn State.

.

Cunard’s ships the Queen Mary, Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth all sailed together in New York harbor Thursday and were honored with a fireworks display.   It was the most gala event involving three British queens since Queen Elizabeth and the Queen Mother attended an Elton John concert.

Condoleezza Rice apparently once told the NY Times that football “is a kind of national pastime that brings people together across social lines, across racial lines.” She’s right, if you asked people in D.C. who they’d most like to see run out of town, at the top of most people’s lists – rich, poor, black, white – would be Redskins owner Dan Snyder.

Augie commented on a joke about the BWI Ravens that maybe they should be the IAD Redskins.  Though I think most D.C. fans would call them the DOA Redskins.

Joe Paterno, he keeps going, and going, and going…

November 24, 2010

Joe Paterno has become the Energizer Bunny of college football.  OF course, at this point when he keeps going and going and going, sometimes his players have to point him in the right direction to get home.

Paterno, 83,  says he will be back at Penn State next year. Makes sense, he’s the only one who can translate his original playbook without using the Rosetta Stone.

When Paterno started coaching, the Big Ten generally just referred to commandments.

Paterno once said “It’s the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.”   Of course at his age, it’s a lot easier to remember the name on the front than all the different names on the back.

Joe Paterno says he will be back for yet another season to coach the Nittany Lions. Hasn’t he already been there longer than Penn has BEEN a state?.

Meanwhile,  Duke coach  Mike Krzyzewski got his 800th coaching win.   And Coach K is only 63.   Most Duke fans think Johnny Dawkins left for Stanford as a temporary measure because even as the heir-apparent, he couldn’t see getting the head coaching job in Durham anytime soon.

And if Paterno is any indication, sounds like Dawkins has another few decades in Palo Alto.

On Tuesday night (?!) in college football,  Miami (Ohio) beat Temple 23-3.   And if you watched the entire game and aren’t an alum of either school, it is just possible you might be in need of a life.

Money, money, money, money. If Major League Baseball was run like the BCS system the Yankees and Cubs would automatically make the playoffs every year.

One of Apple’s first computers has sold for more than $200,000.  Curiously enough, that’s about the average that the first Windows users spent on tech support.

Jennifer Grey won “Dancing with the Stars” Tuesday night.   And no doubt before the week is out,  Sarah Palin will have figured out how to blame it on President Obama and the liberal media.

Sarah Palin is actually trying to stump for Christine O’Donnell to be a contestant on the next “Dancing with the Stars.”   Suppose it could draw ratings. But the shows are worried that if O’Donnell were booted off, she’d turn the remaining contestants into toads.

All these people praising Bristol Palin on DWTS, both for her dancing and how impressive a job she is doing as a single mother…   Wonder how they’d react if the unwed teen mom on the show was the daughter of say, Jesse Jackson?

Age and treachery….

November 7, 2010

 

It’s been a great week for Joe Paterno. Not only did he become the first Division 1 NCAA college football coach to win 400 games, he got to see that “nice young man” become governor of California again.

During a press conference after his 400th coaching victory, Penn State’s Joe Paterno, 83, said “People ask me why I stuck around so long.” and gestured to the fans. Well, the fans plus the fact Paterno doesn’t remember his way home anyway.

This morning America turned the clock back one hour. Big deal, in California’s gubernatorial election, we turned the clock back thirty years

So after the most recent elections, California’s senators will be Barbara Boxer, who turns 70 on November 11, and Dianne Feinstein, age 77.  And governor-elect Jerry Brown is age 72. 

Or as John McCain says, “Nice young people, but in these tough times, do they have enough maturity and experience?

Michigan 67 – Illinois 65.  Somewhere Bo Schembechler is rolling over in his grave. (for anyone who doesn’t remember Bo, he was a major practitioner of the “three-yards and a cloud of dust” offense. 20 points would have been a offensive explosion.)

During that Michigan-Illinois game, it was 59-59 before the third overtime.  And the the ESPN announcer said that fatigue was becoming a factor, especially for the defenses. How could the defenses be tired? They hadn’t done anything.

Silly World Series commemorative of the night.  Bradford Exchange is selling a $199.00 carousel music box featuring A T and Park, the World Series trophy, and the Giants logo.  The box plays “Take me out of the ballgame.” 

You’d think they would at least have the option of “Don’t Stop Believing.”

It’s five days after the last game of the World Series, so we have reached the period of time in which free agents are able to negotiate with any club. Or as the Yankees call it – “shopping season.” 

Go figure this one. After Arizona had an impressive no-huddle one minute drive to get back in the game against Stanford late in the third, the Wildcats got the ball back with about 12 minutes in the fourth quarter.

Arizona then not only then ran a slow drive with a lot of running plays to get to within 18 points,  the Wildcats didn’t go for an onside kick with nine minutes left in the game.

Maybe they thought the game had five quarters?

From Bill Littlejohn,  after a collision during a Wisconsin high school cross-country meet between a deer and a sophomore named Sarah Glidden: “The deer was listed as a Jane Doe.’’ . .  

For anyone who still cares about one-time ‘Bachelor’ fiancee Vienna Girardi, she hosted the Chippendales’ Ultimate Girls Night Out in Las Vegas Friday night.

And this is the woman who broke up with Jake because he was a “publicity whore?