Posted tagged ‘Cam Newton jokes’

Not short-changed

October 6, 2017

Nick Folk might have had the kicking night from hell. But he’s got to be a top candidate for a Southwest commercial. #Wannagetaway

 

ESPN.com wrote Jose Altuve, 5’6″, “joined short list of players” with 3 home runs in 1 game in postseason. Did they type that with a straight face?

Boston Red Sox after today’s game might have wondered if they should have kept Pablo Sandoval around just to face Verlander.

Anyone but me see #RedSox #Astros & still initially think, that’s not an ALDS playoff series but an unlikely World Series match up?

So 1st game of ALDS between Astros and Red Sox, is not only during the day, but on #MLBNetwork. Way to build a national fanbase, MLB.

So yeah, for the uninitiated, MLB playoff baseball is supposed to be all about great pitching. #notexactly

Rumors only. But looking good for those who had John Kelly in the Trump resignation pool.

#KellyanneConway is now blaming Obama for not regulating bump stocks. Next she’ll say he could have prevented the Bowling Green Massacre.

 

AAA said dashboard devices are causing more distracted driving. Wonder how many people read that story on their phones while driving.

If we have to show a picture with stories about the Las Vegas shooting, can it be a picture of one of the victims, not the killer?

If we REALLY want meaningful gun law reform by executive order, maybe someone should get Barack Obama to defend assault weapons.

Gun silencer bill currently stalled in Congress is called “Hearing Protection Act” Because hunters can’t afford 50 cents for ear plugs? #WTF  #huntersnowflakes

 

Pro-life Rep. Tim Murphy, who wasn’t seeking reelection over texts asking mistress to have abortion, is now resigning.  Hmm, could there be more texts?  Or more mistresses?

Sanders-“Trump has made a decision on the Iran deal.” He’ll tell us….after the break? Someone tell him Presidency is not a reality TV show.

So how long until Trump appoints Harvey Weinstein to a White House position?

Ivana Trump now says she told her ex-husband ‘I think you should tweet. It’s a new way, a new technology. And if you want to get your words across rightly, without telling The New York Times, which is going to twist every single word of yours, this is how you get your message out.”
So it’s all her fault??!!!

Ivana also said Donald offered her the post of Ambassador to the Czech Republic.  And Czechs have to be thinking… “What did we ever do to the US?”

Finally, here’s the thing on Cam Newton, from my perspective: Clearly there are bigger issues in the world than a QB laughing at a reporter. But he didn’t think the question was funny because Jourdan Rodrigue was a reporter, he thought it was funny because she was a woman.
Any woman who loves sports, and who knows sports, knows that male reaction. And yeah, we cope, and sometimes we laugh too. But hey guys, it’s 2017. Many women know sports, sometimes better than you. Get over it.

Advertisements

Slip sliding away.

February 10, 2016

 

The SF Giants this year will unveil a statue of Gaylord Perry. It will be the first statue ever where any pigeons who try to land will end up sliding off.

 

Former 49ers WR Josh Morgan, currently a free agent, reportedly sustained “non-life threatening injuries” when he accidentally shot himself last month. He has been charged with misdemeanor reckless use of a firearm. Is Morgan trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?

“I’m a pretty good winner. I’m a terrible loser. And I rub it in pretty good when I win. But as soon as I lose… I don’t know. It’s like I wish I had a punching bag nearby sometimes.”

More Cam Newton. Nope, Tom Brady on 60 minutes in 2005.

The story is out that Johnny Manziel showed up either really drunk or hungover at a team meeting and Cleveland covered it up by saying their QB had a concussion. Looking like the Browns aren’t just in need of football coaching, they need an Al-Anon meeting. ‪#‎enablers‬

The California Coastal Commission is trying to require that the Mavericks surfing competition invite women. The question, can they find qualified women with a death wish?

Burger King is going to start selling hot dogs later this month. For all those who thought their menu was just too healthy.

The CDC has just confirmed a link between the Zika virus and microcephaly in Brazilian babies who died. Which could be bad news for tropical vacation destinations. Though maybe it won’t deter Republicans who don’t believe in science anyway.

Apparently Amazon wrote a zombie apocalypse clause into its open-source software terms of service. Did someone there presage Trump’s New Hampshire victory?

#‎ChrisChristie‬ is heading home. And many in New Jersey are thinking “Isn’t there any way we can close a bridge into the state or something?

Meanwhile the other GOP candidates in the race, except Marco Rubio, are thinking “Isn’t there a way they can get Christie into one last debate?”

And this weekend temperatures in NJ are expected to fall to near zero. Maybe Christie shouldn’t have said “Hell will freeze over before I quit this campaign.”

#‎CarlyFiorina‬ has officially dropped out of the Presidential race. So is she officially now her own last HP layoff?

Ben Carson says he will not drop out of the GOP Presidential primary race. Apparently he doesn’t want to disappoint both his supporters.

All day long, Facebook  has been giving me this message “Add your phone number to help secure your account and more.” Yeah, it’s that “and more” I’m worried about. ‪#‎nothanks‬

 

 

Kansas senator Roy Blunt got three student deferments during the Vietnam war. Which is fine, except he’s been saying he got lucky with a number “in the low 300s, and was never called.” His staff said that “poor memories” may have contributed to the “confusion.”
Where’s the outrage from other Senate hawks? Oh, I forgot, IOKIYR

 

Some are calling already for an NTSB investigation into why Royal Caribbean sailed their “Anthem of the Seas” into a massive storm. Guessing most travelers are happy about the idea – or at least they will be until their cruise line cancels THEIR future trip based on possible weather.

Wonder if the Anthem of the Seas captain will claim someone pushed him into the storm?

After the NY Daily News cover showed Donald Trump as a clown and called his supporters “Brain dead zombies,” the Donald today called them a “totally failing paper” that is “going to be closing soon, I’m pretty sure.,” and attacked the Daily News on Twitter. Well, if nothing else, this controversy should sell a LOT of papers.

 

 

Over the line.

December 11, 2014

Amongst the methods of torture used by the CIA was playing the same song over and over and over. One of the songs was “I Love You” from Barney the Dinosaur. As all moms of a certain age know, whoever was responsible for that should be locked up without a key. And with that song playing.

As some San Francisco area roads flood, the National Weather Service is using their usual warning “Turn Around Don’t Drown.” Maybe we need to be a little more graphic with a subtitle: “Drive Through Water – Qualify for Darwin Award.”

Retired Wisconsin football coach Barry Alvarez, currently the school’s AD, will be coaching his second bowl game in three years after his second coach in three years left unexpectedly for another job.    Have to wonder, is Alvarez’s strategy to be enough of an a**hole that his coaches leave in time for him to get these bowl games?

The Arizona Cardinals are 9-3, a lock for the playoffs, and now their backup QB is injured. Wonder if Cardinals GM Steve Keim has sent a one word text – “No” to Brett Favre.

For Dec. 20, the ‪#‎NFL‬ is advertising “Thursday Night Football – Saturday Edition.” Uh, why not just “Saturday Night Football”? ‪#‎TNF‬

Oceania Cruise Lines’ ship “Insignia” had an engine room fire in St. Lucia. Passengers were disembarked and are safe, but sadly three crew members died. And shockingly, this isn’t the lead story on CNN.

A new study indicates sleep problems may result in an increased risk of dementia. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

Carmelo Anthony reportedly threatened to beat up teammate Tim Hardaway Jr. following another loss last week. Give the Knicks credit. They are giving the Jets a serious run for the title “most dysfunctional team in New York.”

From Alex Kaseberg: “Time” magazine names Ebola Fighter man of the year. This will mark first time the “Man of the year” award ceremony will be held on Skype.”

Well, there’s sure not going to be any congratulatory handshakes.

#‎RickPerry‬ “Running for the presidency is not an IQ test.” Uh, I think we’ve already proved that in this country.

Actual serious thought about Cam Newton’s crash, where the Carolina QB has relatively minor injuries after his truck rolled a few times: As invulnerable as a lot of people, especially young men, think they are, it sure does increase your odds to wear a seat belt. (Which Cam did.)

Followup to the Cam Newton story, this true story from an old coworker who was a flight attendant decades ago. She had Muhammad Ali in first class in his glory days, and he was in a fine expansive mood upon boarding. When it came time to leave the gate, she told him “Sir, you need to put on your seat belt.” He looked at her and beamed “Baby, I’m Superman, Superman don’t need no seat belt.” She responded “Superman don’t need no plane. Buckle up.” Apparently he did and was an angel for the rest of the flight.

One of my new favorite baseball players has to be pitcher Andrew Heaney. Traded from Miami to the Dodgers, he was then immediately flipped in trade to the Angels. And promptly tweeted “Well, @Dodgers we had a good run! Great to be a part of such a storied franchise. ‪#‎thanksforthememories‬

NCAA Football -Opening weak:

September 4, 2011

Not the best weekend for the new Pac 12. Stanford, Arizona, Cal, Utah, Washington and Arizona State handled their cream puff opponents relatively easily.

But Oregon lost to LSU, Colorado lost to Hawaii, UCLA lost to Houston, and Oregon State lost to Sacramento State.

Meanwhile USC and Washington needed late interceptions to hold off Minnesota and Eastern Washington, respectively.

Maybe the reason the conference, originally the Pac 8,is considering becoming the Pac 16, is to find eight teams who can consistently win.

And yes, that’s not a mistake, Oregon State did lose to Sacramento State. Insert Beavers joke here:


That Oregon State loss to Sacramento State in football just might be the most embarrassing performance in orange and black seen since before the SF Giants cut Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada.


Utah State collapsed so quickly against Auburn today you have to wonder if the same booster who bought Cam Newton bought off their defense.


Meanwhile, Cam Newton has been announced as the starting QB for the Panthers’ opener next Sunday against Arizona. No word on how much of a bonus Carolina paid his father.


After there close call today against Utah State, Auburn is trying to reschedule next year’s season opener. They hope the University of Phoenix is available.

Meanwhile on Friday night, Baylor 50, TCU 48. Think somewhere at BCS headquarters an executive just gleefully made an big X on their 2011 potential problems list?


Dick Cheney appeared Friday night on the Tonight Show dressed as Darth Vader. This prompted an immediate demand for an apology – from Darth Vader.


Michele Bachmann now says her “God sending the hurricane as a message” comments were a “joke.” So where’s her joke on God sending that 6.8 earthquake in Alaska as a message for Sarah Palin to shut up?


Sarah Palin said today in a speech that America was in a “systemic crisis.” Wonder which of her staff wrote “systemic” on her palm?”


Despite speculation that she would finally announce her decision Saturday, Sarah Palin says she is still deciding whether to enter the Presidential race. Although if she does run, Palin’s alreay picked out her campaign manager – Brett Favre.


Notre Dame’s stadium had to be evacuated twice during their game against USF due to nearby lightning strikes. The game, was however, finally completed – six hours after play initially started, with USF winning 23 to 20. Still, some would say God did all He could to avoid a Fighting Irish loss.

The original A T & T was broken up as the result of an antitrust suit in 1983. Since then Southwestern Bell, one of the seven new companies, has been buying companies, including Pac Bell and their original parent, and they are A T & T again, the 7th biggest company in the U.S. Trying to get bigger. They’re a regenerating corporate starfish.

Cam, we hardly knew ye.

January 14, 2011

Or at least beyond what the NCAA considered reasonable doubt.

Auburn quarterback and Heisman winner Cam Newton declared for the NFL draft.  Just in time for the NCAA to complete their investigation and say he WOULD have been suspended for the 2011 season.

Newton was asked, if like Andrew Luck, he has plans some day to complete his degree. His response “What’s a degree?”

One good fit for Cam Newton might be playing for Pete Carroll in Seattle.  After all, after all Carroll’s years at USC, who else has more experience in dealing with semi-pro players?.

Football coach Les Miles has agreed to a seven year contract at LSU. This way he might see some of his current freshmen actually graduate.

The San Jose Sharks have  now lost six games in a row.   Who do they think they are?  The Maple Leafs?

Stand by for Waffle Night at the Shark Tank.  Or maybe since this is the food-obsessed Bay Area, Crepes.

(Note to non-hockey fans, disgruntled Leafs fans, if that isn’t redundant,  started throwing waffles on the ice to express their displeasure with the team, although Toronto is actually winning lately.)

Ted Williams, the formerly homeless man with the amazing voice, is headed to rehab. Well, we knew he wanted to get into acting. Maybe he wants to work with Lindsay Lohan.

New Cardinal head football coach David Shaw, 38, says he wants to be a “lifer” at Stanford. Don’t laugh, he’s starting out in the job two years younger than Joe Paterno was when he took over at Penn State.

.

Cunard’s ships the Queen Mary, Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth all sailed together in New York harbor Thursday and were honored with a fireworks display.   It was the most gala event involving three British queens since Queen Elizabeth and the Queen Mother attended an Elton John concert.

Condoleezza Rice apparently once told the NY Times that football “is a kind of national pastime that brings people together across social lines, across racial lines.” She’s right, if you asked people in D.C. who they’d most like to see run out of town, at the top of most people’s lists – rich, poor, black, white – would be Redskins owner Dan Snyder.

Augie commented on a joke about the BWI Ravens that maybe they should be the IAD Redskins.  Though I think most D.C. fans would call them the DOA Redskins.

They’re over.

January 11, 2011

Yes, the  BCS bowl games are done for 2010-2011.    But the BCS committee would tell you there’s a reason they need so many games over such a long period.  And might consider more.   I mean, out of 120 FBS (Division 1) teams, as it is now a full 50 of them actually have to stay home instead of going to the postseason.

Sloppy sloppy national title game. Of course maybe this has something to with the fact that it seems like there was more time between the end of the regular season and the BCS game, than there is between the end of the World Series and when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

Andrew Luck decided to forego the NFL draft so he could return to college and get his degree. Cam Newton still has eligibility left (after attending three schools) and was asked if he would consider the same thing. Replied Newton – “What’s a degree?

Well, after the trouble the Ohio State players got into for selling stuff, there’s no chance that Cam Newton will try to sell any memorabilia from the BCS championship. He’ll have his dad put it on Ebay.

LaMichael James is on criminal probation, Cam Newton says he had no idea his father was “shopping” him. Maybe we should call this the “Crooks and Liars” bowl.

One reason Jim Harbaugh may have chosen the 49ers over the Wolverines might be his well-publicized feelings on Michigan’s low academic standards for athletes. Well, that won’t be a problem if Michigan tries to hire Les Miles from LSU.

TMI department: Between John Boehner’s tears and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (and everything being personal), it’s enough to make you long for the days when men were emotionally repressed in public.

There’s a new iPad app to follow Cam Newton’s season with Auburn.   But you can’t buy it for yourself.  Your dad has to do the shopping.

From Alex Kaseberg:  The top New Year resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you’ve already blown it.

Rush Limbaugh says the media is “unnecessarily stirring up the country” with the “insane” premise that hateful rhetoric from people like himself and Sarah Palin may have contributed to the shootings in Tucson. Interesting comments from the same man who speculated that the Gulf Oil explosion and spill was the work of “environmentalist wackos”, and blamed Al Gore for inciting them.

And finally a little rant about the media’s coverage of Chistina Taylor Green, the 9 year old girl who was shot and killed at the Giffords rally.  There have been stories how tragic it was because she was born on Sept 11, because she was the granddaughter of formerPhillies manager Dallas Green, because she was the daughter of a Dodgers’ employee.

Excuse me, she was an innocent 9 year old little girl, her killing was tragic, PERIOD.

Law and Order – BCS and NFL

December 2, 2010

Auburn and the  NCAA said Cam Newton’s father broke rules.   But while the University declared their quarterback ineligible, the NCAA then immediately reinstated him for the SEC title game this weekend.  How does this make sense?  Because it’s the SEC, of course.

Anyone want to lay odds on what would have happened if it were say, the TCU quarterback who was in the same situation as Newton?

We actually already know, he’d be cheerleading this weekend.

Reggie Bush is thinking “Damn, if I just let Dad handle the negotiations.

There’s a new response for high school and college sports stars who want to keep their eligibility.  “Don’t talk to me, my parents handle all the money issues.”

Meanwhile, in the NFL, Roger Goddell decided not to suspend Texans star wide receiver Andre Johnson, despite the fact that Johnson was involved in an actual fist fight on the field last Sunday.  Coincidentally the Texans just happen to be on Thursday night football.

Goddell’s talked about a strict discipline policy that will teach players a lesson.  I guess the lesson here is,  just don’t get in any fights before weeks your team is playing a game that will be blacked out.

And meanwhile,  Derek Anderson, who became a YouTube sensation for his outburst in a post-game press conference Monday night, gave what appeared to be a heartfelt apology Wednesday.

“There is a more professional way I could have handled that. I wasn’t raised that way. My mom and dad didn’t raise me to act like that in times of adversity.”

Translation….  Well, wouldn’t you have liked to listen in on the call Derek probably got from his mom Tuesday morning?

S.F. Giants fans think they know “torture.”  But 49ers fans get to live with the knowledge that their team bypassed Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft in order to take Alex Smith.

The NCAA’s rationale for reinstating Cam Newton is that there isn’t enough evidence that he knew he was being “shopped.” Yet ESPN reported two recruiters said he told them his dad chose Auburn because “the money was too much.” Even the O.J. jurors are saying “This guy got away with murder.”

Men are especially glad Cyber Monday is over.  Wonder how many tried to alternate shopping with looking at porn and accidentally ordered their wives inflatable dolls for Christmas?

An ESPN executive, Norby Williamson, said he does not think Jon Gruden will take the head coaching job at the University of Miami – “He is in year 2 of a long-term contract, and we expect Jon to be on ‘Monday Night Football’ doing what he’s been doing for a long time to come.”  Translation, or at least until he gets a better offer.

If openly gay men and women in the military is such a problem, why aren’t the same people fighting the repeal of DADT talking about the issue of gays in TSA, or going through security lines? Wouldn’t same-sex gay patdowns be just as much of a potential danger/distraction

The Los Angeles Lakers lost their fourth game in a row Wednesday night. Who do they think they are? The Miami Heat?


Great riddle from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times:

Q: What do you get when you cross NASCAR with the Miami Heat?

A: The Daytona Barely .500