Posted tagged ‘Sandusky trial jokes’

Still guilty.

June 24, 2012

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers now say they tried to quit at the beginning of the trial, ostensibly because they didn’t have enough time to prepare for the case with so many witnesses and allegations. When asked what would have been enough time, they allegedly responded “about 20-30 years.”

Bus to hell time. Jerry Sandusky is on suicide watch. And I’m thinking, there are probably a lot of Americans who’d pay to watch.

Jeb Bush, yesterday complimented President Obama on immigration in a speech, and said “when we find common ground we shouldn’t fight anymore, we should move on and build on that success.” Well, no worries about a 3rd Bush in the White House, with talk like that he’ll never get through a GOP primary.

Jeff Kent is rumored to be a  future contestant on “Survivor.” (Really.) Let’s hope one of the challenges doesn’t involve washing a truck.

Germany reached the Eurocup semifinals by beating  Greece 4-2 Friday. Wonder if after the loss the Greek team asked the Germans to pay for their flight home?

Most Americans are paying so little attention to the Eurocup that they admit they don’t remember when the U.S. team was eliminated.

David Blankenhorn, the chief witness for Prop 8 in California, wrote an editorial saying he has changed his mind, and now believes the right to gay marriage is “basic fairness.” Wonder what really tipped him, knowing more gay couples, or watching people like the Kardashians?

Today is the 40th anniversary of Title IX. While the law isn’t perfect, two words for men who think it’s only benefited women: beach volleyball. –

Saturday afternoon, right in the middle of the baseball season, and no games on TV because of MLB and Fox’s exclusivity contract. To paraphrase Bryce Harper, “That’s a clown contract, bro.”


A fast-food employee in Southern California was arrested after stabbing a customer after a dispute over his drive-thru order. Wonder how many other service employees have at least fantasized about doing the same thing.

Philadelphia Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon offered, and then said he paid, teammate Jim Thome $5,000 for hitting a walkoff homerun against the Tampa Bay Rays after Papelbon blew the save. Out of habit, Roger Goodell tried to suspend him.

Bill Littlejohn:  “House Speaker Rep. John Boehner says that if the Supreme Court strikes down Pres. Obama’s health care law, ‘there will be no spiking of the ball’.  He will, however, encourage the signing of it with a Sharpie”

(Of course,  if  he does spike the ball and it hits him in the face Boehner at least has healthcare.)

From Marc Ragovin: Its gotten so bad for the Florida Marlins, who have now lost 15 of their last 17 games, that today Fidel Castro expressed amazement that Ozzie Guillen was still in power.


Guilty, guilty, guilty.

June 23, 2012

Jerry Sandusky will probably be assigned to the geriatric unit of a minimum security prison. We can only hope it’s not solitary confinement.

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer told reporters today he would be shocked and “die of a heart attack” if the ex-coach were acquitted on all counts. Heck, after hearing the testimony, he’s probably shocked Sandusky even got bail.

You can’t make this stuff up, Friday edition: A 46 yr. old mom was sentenced to probation, parenting classes and banned from Nordstrom’s for leaving her 11 wk old twins in the car while she returned purchases. The part you can’t make up, her job is program director at the Bay Area Surrogacy Program, providing professional advice to new parents.

Well, at least the Jerry Sandusky verdict got Lebron and the Heat off the sports front page.

And for that matter,  “poor” Rielle Hunter.   The Sandusky verdict Friday night made it a bad weekend for to be a media whore on a book tour.

Rielle Hunter is saying she has no regrets about her affair with John Edwards. Duh. The woman is so publicity and money hungry, she’s been made an honorary Kardashian.


Charlie Sheen, who is returning to television in FX’s new “Anger Management,” says It’s “I’m done playing a drunken, womanizing, immature character. This time I’m playing an adult.” But enough about his life, what’s the show about?

Mary Cheney married her longtime partner Heather Poe today. Fox News is trying to figure out how to blame this on Obama.

The Heat partied until 6am at the Fountainebleau Hotel after their championship win last night. No wonder Miami was so set on winning at home. Only place open until 600a in Oklahoma City probably is an IHOP.

Some are saying that this year’s NBA finals mark the beginning of a long rivalry between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat. Meanwhile in Seattle and Cleveland they’re joining together for the NBA version of the “First Wives Club.”


Trial and Errors.

June 19, 2012

A lesson from the Roger Clemens trial, if you are going to take something illegal, make sure your supplier is sleazy enough that no matter how tarnished your reputation gets, you still stay more credible than him.

In a jailhouse phone call, George Zimmerman urged his wife to buy a bulletproof vest. Shame no one told Trayvon Martin to get one too.

The REALLY rich are really different. Witness Ann Romney’s dressage horse Rafalca, now going to the Olympics. And somehow the Romney’s claimed a $77,000 tax deduction in 2010 for their share of the horse’s care and feeding. No joke.

(I’m trying to figure out how to write off my cats.)

A  recent NY Times/CBS News poll found that 75 % Americans believe Supreme Court justices have their decisions influenced by their political beliefs. Shocking. That means 25% actually think they don’t.

Rielle Hunter now claims she wrote a tell-all book about her relationship with John Edwards just because their daughter Frances should have “have one entirely truthful public account of how she came into the world.”  Or at least enough money for years of therapy.

Sounds like Rielle’s book will if anything make John Edwards look even worse than he does now.  Somewhere Elizabeth has to be smirking.

You think you had a bad travel day. A tourist from Wales had his car break down in London near the Houses of Parliament, left a note that a towing company was on the way, and went to go sightseeing in the meantime. Anti-terrorist police, however, saw the car, deemed it a security risk, and blew it up. (Oh yeah, and he also got a parking ticket.)

Roger Clemens was found not guilty today. Only good thing you can say about this expensive complete snafu from our government, at least unlike the WMD fiasco, nobody died.

Ah, priorities. Urban Meyer’s contract at Ohio State provides a base salary of $700,000; a “transition” payment of $250,000; $1,850,000 a year for “media responsibilities” and $1.4 million a year from OSU’s Nike contract. Now, the team’s GPA last year was 2.8. Meyer gets $50,000 if they raise it to a cumulative 3.0 GPA.

The prosecution has rested in the Jerry Sandusky trial. Wonder if they convict this sleazeball if the jurors will say “You had me at ‘showers.'”

Part of Jerry Sandusky’s defense is having another Penn State assistant coach testify that other coaches also showered with boys. What were they running at State College, a football program or a Catholic priory?

President Obama has apparently selected John Kerry to play Mitt Romney in practice debates. Well, and who better to give Obama practice against someone who has taken both sides on most issues?

The Rolling Stones say they will perform their very last farewell gig at ­Glastonbury in 2013.   And if the band changes their mind afterwards, they can claim they forgot their promise.


June 6, 2012

At the time of writing this post, California’s Proposition 29, which would put an additional tax on cigarettes and other tobacco products,  is too close to call.

Or, as cash-strapped smokers  may be saying if the tax passes, “Close,  but no cigar.”

Whatever the outcome in Calfornia, as has been true in other states, turnout was so low you’d almost think voters think our politicians are spending someone else’s money.

The Boston Celtics beat the Heat in Miami Tuesday night 94-90.  Most Floridians haven’t been this disappointed since a local Denny’s ended their “Early Bird Special” 10 minutes early.

So much flopping in these NBA playoffs I’m wondering when the refs will start handing out red and yellow cards.

Jury selection is underway for former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky’s child sex abuse trial. Assume jurors will get, along with their stipends, a voucher for a daily hot shower.

A U.S. official says a drone strike in Pakistan’s has killed al-Qaida’s #2. Wonder who will be the first in the GOP to blame Obama?

The #2 title in al-Qaida may be the only position with less job security than being named Oakland Raiders’ head coach.

Wonder how many people are unfriending the friends who suggested they buy Facebook stock?

A recent survey says most Facebook users disregard advertising on the site. Facebook has ads?  –

Fans of the Los Angeles Kings, who have won the first games of the Stanley Cup, 2-1, 2-1 and 4-0, taunted New Jersey Devils fans with large cardboard cutouts of Jersey Shore stars. Was that really appropriate? The Jersey Shore cast members are at least known for their scoring.


Manny Ramirez’s 50 game suspension is over, but even with a third of the MLB season finished the Oakland A’s don’t have a timetable to bring him up from Triple A. Undaunted, Manny says he still expects to make a big contribution in the season’s second trimester.

Mitt Romney said his personal Hotmail email account was hacked, after someone guessed the name of his favorite pet.

Okay, Mitt wants us to trust him to be the leader of the free world and lead us through tough times, and the man still uses Hotmail and an easy password?

Rush Limbaugh is attacking Barack Obama’s ads that offer supporters a chance to win dinner with the Pres, his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour. Saying “The whole thing is a fraud. Anna Wintour is not interested what (the winners) have to think, neither is Obama or Michelle or Sarah Jessica.” Uh, as opposed to Mitt Romney and Donald Trump when they did their contest?