Posted tagged ‘Michael Jackson jokes’

You had one job

January 28, 2016

We might have a winner for the year in the #Youhadonejob, and it goes to the guy in charge of painting the end zones for Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium – they painted TWO with the Broncos logo.  And forgot about the Panthers. #Nottheonion

 

 

The Dallas Cowboys will not resign Greg Hardy. Apparently because Hardy was frequently late for meeting, and wasn’t in peak physical condition because he partied too much. So domestic violence is okay as long as you show up on time and in shape?

 

 

Missouri dismissed QB Maty Mauk from the football team for “violating team rules” after a video surfaced of him apparently snorting cocaine. Mauk had a 17-5 record as a starter. Too soon to start a pool on which coach will give him a second chance?

In New York City , police arrested two men with $14 million in heroin in the bed of a big pickup truck after the men were spotted driving around looking for parking. Truly insane. Not the attempted smuggling, but who thinks with a pickup truck they can find actual parking on NYC streets?

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch was flown from Puerto Vallarta to Dallas today. Wonder if he complained about the trip not being first class?

Some controversy over Joseph Fiennes being cast to play Michael Jackson in an upcoming BBC TV movie. Is that because Fiennes is white or because he’s male?

John McCain says of the current election “I’ve never seen anything like this.” And presumably this even includes the Lincoln-Douglas debates

Best news for ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ during tonight’s GOP debate. Not just more air time without Trump, less competition for post debate doughnuts.

Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee decided to attend Donald Trump’s rally after the children’s table debate tonight. Because apparently at this point they dislike Trump less than they love ANY publicity.

Today Trump said that it was Fox News’ sarcastic comments about his withdrawal that sealed his decision to stay away from the debates. Attention US friends and enemies – so apparently it’s not just “sticks and stones” that hurt the Donald…

Now rumors that the Oakland Raiders are looking into a move to…. Las Vegas. Not that the NFL would allow it as of course the league wants nothing to do with gambling…

Much media discussion of the Challenger disaster today. And it was awful. But for those of us who were kids in the 1960s, it’s actually another sad anniversary – Apollo 1, January 27, 1967 – Gus Grissom, Edward White, and Roger Chaffee. Remembering them as well.

Damn. R.I.P. Paul Kantner, 74. I remember when you were a youngster if you thought first of the band being known as Jefferson Starship. “Nothing ever breaks up the heart, Only tears give you away….” (from Miracles.)

 

My younger friends may not believe this with the various explicit rap and other lyrics these days but when ‪#‎JeffersonStarships‬‘ “Miracles” came out, many radio stations played a version where they censored the lyrics- the offending line ‘I get a taste of the real world, when I go down on you, girl.”

Seems so quaint today.

 

Pat Riley: LeBron ‘never, ever’ requested Erik Spoelstra firing when he was at Miami. Well, of course not, when you’re a superstar you get your posse to handle making that kind of request for you.

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Decision time.

November 9, 2011

Tuesday was Election Day. I hope everyone who didn’t vote is planning cheerfully to relinquish their bitching rights for the next two years.

This Penn State mess, as disgusting as the story appears to be, does have at least the ability to put things in perspective. For example we won’t have to hear again how the most embarrassing thing to happen in State College lately was 2010’s 33-13 loss to Illinois.

And all of a sudden selling memorabilia and taking bribes seem so harmless by comparison.

Rob Kardashian was considered a likely contestant to go home tonight on Dancing With The Stars. Well, his run on the show has already been more successful than his sister’s marriage.

Albert Haynesworth has been released by the New England Patriots. Finally, something to smile about for Redskins fans. (And as my friend Pete Brody said, since I’ve posted this on Facebook, Albert’s been signed and released by three other teams.)

Michele Bachmann now says she would add former presidents Ronald Reagan, James Garfield and Calvin Coolidge to Mount Rushmore. Should we be aghast at her choices, or pleasantly surprised that she knows the names of three ex-presidents?

Another thought about last Sunday’s LSU – Alabama game. At least we’re not likely to need to watch it again on ESPN Classic. If that was the “Game of the Century,” then in the 1900s the Cubs were the “Team of the Century.”

So the Michael Jackson/Conrad Murray trial MAY make doctors think twice before prescribing medicine like candy to celebrity clients. Instead the rich and famous may have to get their drugs the old-fashioned way – sending their maids to get them. (Yes, I mean you Rush.)

Herman Cain now say it might be the “Democrat machine” behind the harassment allegations but added that he didn’t know for sure. Does this mean he’s “kissed and made up” with Rick Perry. Or that Cain now doesn’t think the Perry campaign is smart enough to have come up with the idea.

Mitt Romney on Tuesday called the allegations against Herman Cain “particularly disturbing.” Of course it’s easy for Mitt to say. If he didn’t have five children, most Americans wouldn’t believe Romney even had had sex with his wife.

Ah, more warm fuzzy corporate personhood: Safeway ad trumpeting “Easy Thanksgiving Entertaining.” With pre-cooked dinners for from 4-8 people of ham, turkey or prime rib including vegetables, sides, rolls and dessert, on special. Except that the specials run from Nov 9-15 only. Thanksgiving is Nov 24. So what’s a little potential botulism between friends and families?

Okay, guys might want to skip this post. But actual instructions on a package of women’s sanitary napkins. “Wear adhesive side away from body.”

Mississippi voters voted down an amendment to the state constitution that would have defined a fertilized egg as a person. Wonder if the Duggars’ announcement that they are expecting their 20th child had anything to do with it.

Pop goes our culture.

November 8, 2011

Shocking news in the Conrad Murray trial. When a celebrity is involved, I didn’t think it was possible to find someone guilty of murder or manslaughter in Los Angeles.

Some think this verdict will mean celebrities won’t be able to get anyone to over-prescribe medications for them anymore. Right. It probably does mean they may need to pay such a doctor even more money.

Let’s hope Murray’s time in jail doesn’t overlap with Lindsay Lohan.

Hugh Hefner says that Lindsay Lohan’s photo spread in the upcoming January-February issue will be a “classic tribute inspired by Marilyn Monroe.” With all due respect, the only comparison most people draw between Marilyn and Lindsay is that they doubt Lohan will make it to age 40.

Although at this point they’re laying odds in Vegas. Which will last a shorter time. Lindsay’s next jail term or Kim Kardashian’s next marriage.

K.D. Lang says Justin Bieber looks “Just like a lesbian.” And most lesbians responded “Please, we have better haircuts.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern says that if the union doesn’t accept the owners’ latest proposal they will only get a worse one and that “the only rational thing” for them to do is to make the deal. Sigh. I guess on some level it’s fun watching the 1% battling with the 0.1%.

The Kardashians are now being accused of selling a line of handbags in Australia -the “Kardashian Kollection”, that are actually knockoffs of several famous designer brands. Gosh, marriage is one thing, but who’d a thunk the Kardashians would fake anything as serious as a copyrighted handbag?

There were long lines Monday on opening day at “Resort World,” New York City’s first casino. Well, other than Wall Street.

This Penn State controversy is disgusting. But really, is anyone who has followed the “win at all costs” mentality in college football shocked that so many people high up in the athletic department basically tried to sweep the story under the rug, or as it were, the turf?

Okay, we may have found a sleazier job than being Michael Jackson’s doctor – being Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer.

And this joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Schubert. In Joe Paterno’s defense, although he was in his late 70s when he heart about the allegations, the Penn State coach did try to alert the police. But they couldn’t read his smoke signals.

Apparently Herman Cain has raised over $2 million in the days since this sexual harassment story first broke. Just think how much Cain could have raised if he’d been accused of something like murder.

A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows 54% of GOP primary voters say allegations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain will not affect how they vote. These voters are called “men.”

One of the scariest things about this whole Herman Cain business, on top of the Weiner business, and the Edwards business, etc, etc.. is that you just know there are politicians out there, on both sides of the aisle, who are continuing on with whatever indiscretions they were up to before, and figuring THEY are too smart to get caught.

Actually in all seriousness, (for a change) why didn’t someone tell Herman Cain the smart response last week would have been “Hey, like a lot of men I figured I was wittier and more charming than I was. I realized I might have offended some women and I am sorry and I have learned. And if there was anyone else I upset by my actions, I apologize to them too.” End of story.

The San Francisco Giants traded mercurial left-handed Jonathan Sanchez to the Kansas City Royals for Melky Cabrera. Well, if Sanchez gets his head together, the Royals could have a new pitching star, otherwise, well at least it’s likely their beer sales will go up.

(Actually, maybe the Giants should have traded Sanchez to the Red Sox. At least that way he’d give his fellow pitchers an actual reason to drink.)

Bomb scare….

August 3, 2009

Flights from La Guardia were delayed when a bomb was reportedly found in the airport. But it was a false alarm. Turns out “Land of the Lost” won’t even be out on DVD for months.


The Post Office is considering closing over 700 branches. The list was sent today to the Postal Regulatory Commission by email.


The state of Michigan is willing to house Guantanamo Bay prisoners. Not only do they have unused maximum security prison facilities, the state has a surefire way to keep the toughest prisoners in line – threatening to show them Detroit Lions game tapes.


This is a repeat, but a timely one.

Did you hear about the Plaxico Burress cocktail? Just one very expensive shot.


It looks like Michael Jackson may have died because of a strong sleep inducing drug prescribed by his doctor. This tragedy could have been averted, had they only known of Jackson’s insomnia, the White House could have sent over some Joe Biden tapes.


Senator John McCain has announced he will not vote for Sonia Sotomayer as he does not believe she is qualified to be a Surpreme Court judge. Well, and who could question McCain’s qualifications for choosing competent women?


McCain has apparently fallen in love with Twitter. Maybe the real reason he is against the nomination is that “Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor” takes up too many characters?

Another comment on the Gates-Crowley story, from the very funny Alex Kaseberg.

You know guys are going to take this concept and run with it. “No, honey, I’m not drinking with the boys, I am involved in an important beer summit.”