Posted tagged ‘Bachmann jokes’

Oh, father….

January 5, 2012

Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.

Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.

Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.

Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?

The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.

In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.

Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.

Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.

Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.

Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”

Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?

ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow

From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”

Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”

“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?

In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)

Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

Decision time.

November 9, 2011

Tuesday was Election Day. I hope everyone who didn’t vote is planning cheerfully to relinquish their bitching rights for the next two years.

This Penn State mess, as disgusting as the story appears to be, does have at least the ability to put things in perspective. For example we won’t have to hear again how the most embarrassing thing to happen in State College lately was 2010’s 33-13 loss to Illinois.

And all of a sudden selling memorabilia and taking bribes seem so harmless by comparison.

Rob Kardashian was considered a likely contestant to go home tonight on Dancing With The Stars. Well, his run on the show has already been more successful than his sister’s marriage.

Albert Haynesworth has been released by the New England Patriots. Finally, something to smile about for Redskins fans. (And as my friend Pete Brody said, since I’ve posted this on Facebook, Albert’s been signed and released by three other teams.)

Michele Bachmann now says she would add former presidents Ronald Reagan, James Garfield and Calvin Coolidge to Mount Rushmore. Should we be aghast at her choices, or pleasantly surprised that she knows the names of three ex-presidents?

Another thought about last Sunday’s LSU – Alabama game. At least we’re not likely to need to watch it again on ESPN Classic. If that was the “Game of the Century,” then in the 1900s the Cubs were the “Team of the Century.”

So the Michael Jackson/Conrad Murray trial MAY make doctors think twice before prescribing medicine like candy to celebrity clients. Instead the rich and famous may have to get their drugs the old-fashioned way – sending their maids to get them. (Yes, I mean you Rush.)

Herman Cain now say it might be the “Democrat machine” behind the harassment allegations but added that he didn’t know for sure. Does this mean he’s “kissed and made up” with Rick Perry. Or that Cain now doesn’t think the Perry campaign is smart enough to have come up with the idea.

Mitt Romney on Tuesday called the allegations against Herman Cain “particularly disturbing.” Of course it’s easy for Mitt to say. If he didn’t have five children, most Americans wouldn’t believe Romney even had had sex with his wife.

Ah, more warm fuzzy corporate personhood: Safeway ad trumpeting “Easy Thanksgiving Entertaining.” With pre-cooked dinners for from 4-8 people of ham, turkey or prime rib including vegetables, sides, rolls and dessert, on special. Except that the specials run from Nov 9-15 only. Thanksgiving is Nov 24. So what’s a little potential botulism between friends and families?

Okay, guys might want to skip this post. But actual instructions on a package of women’s sanitary napkins. “Wear adhesive side away from body.”

Mississippi voters voted down an amendment to the state constitution that would have defined a fertilized egg as a person. Wonder if the Duggars’ announcement that they are expecting their 20th child had anything to do with it.

World semi-Serious.

October 25, 2011

One nice thing about baseball, each day is completely different. The Cardinals scored 16 runs against Texas Saturday, then got shut out Sunday. And game five was close until the eighth. Whereas the Colts could play the Saints every week this year and Indianapolis would probably not come within four touchdowns.

A two part joke written with my friend Jerry Perisho, his part first:

“Don’t worry NBA fans, you can still see your team’s dancers perform; just bring plenty of $1 bills.”

Mine: But go early to see the Heat cheerleaders, I hear they quit before the night is over.

Newt Gingrich criticized Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the last debate saying: “I literally felt like I was the recess monitor on the playground, watching these two kids.” Prompting an immediate demand for an apology, from schoolchildren.

McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib nationwide through November 14. Now, leaving all the McHeart Attack jokes aside. some complain they shouldn’t call it a “McRib,” when the sandwich has no bones. On the other hand, they do call them “ham” burgers.

Paul Leka, 68, who wrote the chorus of “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye),” reportedly died October 12. Well, I guess we all know what they sang at his funeral..

NCAA president Mark Emmert said he is supporting a plan to allow student athletes to receive $2,000 a year beyond their scholarships. (The usual scholarships just cover tuition, fees, books, room and board.) While the idea is popular with many athletes, some football players say they don’t know if they can afford the pay cut.

Oregon’s star CB Cliff Harris was already cited for driving 118 mph on a suspended license in June and joking to an officer who smelled marijuana that “we smoked it all. Today he was cited again for several infractions, including driving on a suspended license and driving without insurance. Maybe it’s true what they say about pot affecting your memory.

You have to wonder, aren’t there any taxis in Eugene? Or fans who could drive a football star around campus?

And Harris has been suspended, again, from the football team. Meaning he cannot participate even in practices and will miss at least Saturday’s game. Over-under on him being conditionally reinstated November 11? (As November 12 is the Ducks’ game with Stanford.)

Fun sidelight of watching the World Series – the realization with the Mavericks and Rangers that the Dallas Cowboys are at best the third best professional team in Dallas.

Theo Epstein visited Wrigley Field for the first time as GM this morning. His first project? Presumably to find and take down that sign that says “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

Watching the stories and gory videos coming out of Libya, must say one thing for the United States. Even allowing for Florida we do have a much more civilized transfer of power.

Michele Bachmann has said that the gay and lesbian lifestyle amounts to “personal bondage, and personal enslavement.” Her husband Marcus has compared gays to “barbarians” who need to be “disciplined.” You do get the sense both of them have spent too much time in leather shops South of Market in SF

Double-speak or nothing?

October 19, 2011

As Rick Perry and Mitt Romney took shots at each other in tonight’s CNN debates, how many people joined me in wanting to see a post-debate hard handshake and backslap etc….?

The next major GOP debate will be November 15,on foreign policy. Comedy writers across the country are already preparing for an all-nighter.

Herman Cain says he can “feel the bulls-eye on his back” before- tonight’s debate. Is he sure he’s not just feeling a sticker for “Two for one pizza?”

Herman Cain also said he was joking about an electric fence on the border. Okay, fine. Only now he says “I don’t like to offend anyone…however, I don’t apologize for using a combination of a fence. And it might be electrified.”” Allegedly Cain got a message from Joe Biden “Herman, really, less is more.”

Newt Gingrich said, if nominated, he will challenge President Obama to seven three-hour debates. Joe Biden is now just praying Newt gets the V.P. nod.

So at the price of two first-round draft picks, Carlson Palmer is now an Oakland Raider and is now “un-retired.” And yes, Brett Favre, that does mean you are chopped liver.

Carlson Palmer has now officially been traded from the Bengals to the Raiders. Which means a bit of a change. He’s going from convicts in the huddle to convicts in the stands.

Have a college reunion party Friday night with a “Mad Men” theme. Which has prompted a long “What do we wear?” thread on Facebook. And of all the commenters, exactly zero are men.

San Francisco is considering a bill to give employers a tax-break for hiring ex-felons. Who came up with this idea in the first place? The management of the Cincinnati Bengals?

The NFL has announced they will not fine Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz for their post-game behavior. The league may, however, offer coverage of both coaches’ next post-game handshakes on Pay-Per-View.

Poor Steve Young, When the cameras switched to him during the pregame show on MNF, he had his cellphone in hand checking email. Well, the pictures are embarrassing, but it could be worse, at least his hand was just on his cellphone.

Rick Santorum said last week that the GOP’s strategy for reducing “the Democratic advantage” should be get the single mothers in this country married, because now “they look to the government for help.” Of course if that were really a priority wouldn’t you think the solution would include birth control? And for that matter gay marriage?

P.C. overdose alert: Four U.S. senators are urging the MLB players union to agree to a ban on chewing tobacco at games and on camera during the World Series, because they think it is a bad influence on viewers. Now, I hate chewing tobacco and wouldn’t mind a permanent ban in future. But after over 170 games, how fair is it to make players go cold turkey in the biggest games of the year?

My friend Walt points out that Congress won’t condemn crotch-grabbing, because they do it all the time. (Yes, and not always their own.)

All shook up.

August 24, 2011

Magnitude 5.8 earthquake shakes Virginia, D.C. and New York. Maybe God is trying to knock some sense into Congress and Wall Street…

Arizona Diamondbacks are in D.C. this week to play the Nationals. Does that mean we can call them “rattled-snakes?”

The earthquake felt from DC to NY to Boston was originally announced as a 5.9. Out in California, sports fans have heard the quake may not have hit that hard, it’s just that usual East Coast bias.

After today’s big quake can we have at least a 30 day moratorium on East Coasters referring to West Coasters as wimps?

Fortunately, there were no airport closures due to the earthquake. There were, however, several air traffic controllers jostled awake from their naps.

One of my clients has a Washington, D.C. office and a Menlo Park office. A Washington employee today sent an email to his colleagues in California titled “Five reasons I’m glad I work in D.C. instead of Menlo Park.” Upon opening the email the message was “Make that four.”

FEMA just announced there is a significant possibility of an earthquake hitting the Washington D.C. area in this decade.

Jerry Leiber of the songwriting duo Leiber and Stoller passed away Monday. The two wrote, amongst other songs, “Hound Dog” and “Jailhouse Rock.” Not, however, as would be appropriate with today’s quake “All Shook Up.”

The men’s golf team from Bethany College, a small Lutheran college in Kansas, has been suspended for three tournaments. This after the young men posed for a picture (posted on Facebook) naked except for strategically placed drivers. Let us all pray this idea never occurs to John Daly.

Tacky time: The Washington Monument will be closed to visitors indefinitely after a post-quake crack was discovered in its tip. This could be the biggest problem with an erection in D.C. since Clinton was in office.

PETA’s latest tactic is a pornographic website to promote veganism. The website will start with erotic teasers on a sex-with-vegetables theme and then show graphic images of animal suffering. I can see husbands now “Honest, honey, I’m just looking at the site to help baby animals.”

Northwestern University researchers have found evidence that at least some men who identify themselves as bisexual are, in fact, (duh) sexually aroused by both women and men. Michele and Marcus Bachmann, however, heard this and stated that they believe “buy-sexual” just means men going to prostitutes.

Dogged days.

August 23, 2011

After the violence this weekend at Candlestick Park the NFL is apparently going to end 49ers-Raiders preseason games. This isn’t a problem with Giants-As games. Oakland A’s fans don’t show up and SF Giants are too busy with their cellphones.

T.C. (from B.C.) adds – Travel Advisory Canada issues warnings on visiting: Syria, Libya, London, Dodger Stadium, Candlestick Park.

Actually the 49ers said they will ban tailgating after the game starts from now one. Which may mean less trouble post game. But considering the “last call” mentality it may behoove safety-conscious fans not to argue with anyone during the National Anthem.

Meanwhile over in Libya, Qaddafi seems to have disappeared. Has anyone checked Abbottabad? (Apparently there’s a large rental compound available.)

The U.S. Olympic Committee has announced it will not submit a bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics. Guess with the budget issues there’s not enough potential bribe money available.

Terrelle Pryor was chosen in the supplemental draft by the Oakland Raiders. Well, guess it’s a good thing he went to Ohio State – means he can look back when he retires on SOME postseason experience.

Says Alex Schubert “Insert paycut joke here.”

But really, Terrelle Pryor with the Oakland Raiders. What a great place for a young man who has shown himself vulnerable to bad influences and making bad choices….

GOP Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman says he’d be open to running as vice president if rival and tea party favorite Michele Bachmann wins the nomination.

So much for that “Vote for me, I’m not crazy” strategy.

Nathan Fisher is the lawyer for four LSU football players (including QB Jordan Jefferson), accused in a bar fight. He has asked for a postponement of planned interviews for the players at police headquarters.

When asked when he would ideally prefer to reschedule the interviews, Fisher allegedly replied “anytime after the 2012 BCS bowl games.”

Lindsay Lohan apparently wore the same dress (different color) to Kim Kardashian’s wedding that Pippa Middleton wore to the reception after Kate and William’s wedding.

Makes a certain amount of sense. Pippa is world renowned for her ass. And Lindsay is now world renowned for acting like an ass.

Just wondering, all those who think Obama should have chosen a more plebeian vacation spot than Martha’s Vineyard, okay, where should they have gone? Not like the family could have just pulled up to a motel at Virginia Beach or Walt Disney World, they’d have to displace most if not all other guests and it would be an expensive security nightmare.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney showed he’s not quite as out of touch as some say he is. Because he said he’s not going to tear down his $12 million, 3000 square foot La Jolla home to replace it with an 11,000 square-foot home until AFTER he is done with his current campaign.

Makes sense, and I do note that Mitt at least has the grace (or sense) not to complain about Obama’s Martha’s Vineyard vacation.

Whose fault is this?

August 21, 2011

Rick Perry continued with his anti-evolution remarks, telling a supporter in South Carolina on Friday – “God is how we got here.” Replied God – “Hey, don’t blame me for this.

Saturday Night Live premieres in five weeks. Anyone besides me who can’t wait to see Kristen Wiig’s take on Michele Bachmann?

Michele Bachmann is taking some criticism for saying people are afraid “the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union and our loss militarily going forward.” Even her GOP rival Sarah Palin responded, “I disagree, the American people are strong and fear neither China, India nor the Soviet Union.”

Bachmann dismissed her recent gaffes Saturday, saying “the media will report what the media will report.” Yeah, and they have this disturbing tendency sometimes to actually report what a candidate says.

The NCAA may have allowed boosters to run wild at Miami and other schools. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t trying to focus on the important things.

For example, Fox Sports reports the NCAA is considering a proposal to allow schools to offer spreads such as butter, cream cheese, jelly or peanut butter on top of bagels they provide for recruits. (Currently, schools are only allowed to provide such spreads for their own student-athletes.)

What’s the motto of all this? – “Cream cheese, it’s a slippery slope?”

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has stated he believes in term limits for federal judges, including Supreme Court judges. Can we try this out with Clarence Thomas?

President Obama continues to face criticism for his vacation. And yesterday he actually went into a book store and bought books. What a mistake. The GOP knows politicians aren’t supposed to read books, they’re only supposed to write them.

Fox MLB Game of the Week announcers say that Cubs pitchers have only one compete game all year. Well, Chicago is traveling to A T and T Park to play the Giants later this month.

In today’s first preseason AP top 25 college football poll, the Stanford Cardinal has been ranked #7. But local fans were disappointed to see that voters failed to also include the Cal Bears and Oakland Raiders.

LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson and several unidentified teammates were implicated in a fight at a Baton Rouge bar early Friday morning. So far Les Miles has received two requests for the names of those involved – one from the local media and the other from the draft scouts for the Cincinnati Bengals

Karl Rove thinks that Sarah Palin will run for President, but that she will bypass a traditional campaign structure and finance committee. Rove added “I don’t think she thinks the rules apply to her.” Wow, what was his first clue?

Losing out?

August 19, 2011

This could change, but now it does look like Texas A & M will not be going to the SEC. Guess the Aggies don’t pay their players’ fathers enough.

The NFL ruled former OSU QB Terrelle Pryor can enter the supplemental draft, albeit with a five game “suspension” with whatever team drafts him. (as if a rookie QB was going to play anyway.) Well, this ought to teach other players a lesson – if you’re going to break rules, make sure you do it for a college team that draws high television bowl ratings.

A silver lining for some in Miami – for now at least the Heat’s performance in the NBA finals isn’t the most embarrassing sports story in town.

A tale of two hitting ineups – Tim Lincecum, with a 2.53 ERA is 11-10. C.C. Sabathia, with a 2.96 ERA is 17-7. Sigh. I just hope we never see the Freak in pinstripes.

Anyone but me think it’s only a matter of time this year until some San Francisco Giants pitcher throws a nine inning no hitter, and ends up with a no decision?

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, Michele Bachman travelled around Minnesota as as an education activist using the title “Dr. Michele Bachmann,” even though she has never obtained a PhD. But, responded her campaign, Michele did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.

A self-proclaimed jihadist has threatened David Letterman after the late-night comedian joked about the death of a Al-Qaeda leader. But no one has threatened Jay Leno despite similar jokes. Meaning that not even jihadists watch the Tonight Show anymore?

Sarah Palin says she thinks Barack Obama will have to leave his family vacation early to deal with the economy. But really, isn’t leaving early Palin’s solution to everything?

Michele Bachmann’s no comment “quote of the day.”

What people recognize is that there’s a fear that the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union….”

(To be fair, apparently this quote was from a very right-wing radio talk show, so maybe her listeners ARE still worried about the Soviet Union.)

So let me get this straight. After running for Senate, Christine O’Donnell wrote a book “Troublemaker,” that she “hopes will be an inspirational tool for the grassroots conservative movement.” But when asked about issues from the book, O’Donnell walked out of a CNN interview with Piers Morgan, saying “I’m not talking about politics, I’m not running for office.”

Our long national nightmare is over.

August 17, 2011

TLC is cancelling “Kate plus 8.” Guess the show’s title got too close to describing the remaining number of viewers.

The San Francisco Giants injury list continues to grow. Not to say they are a team that might have been relying too heavily on aging veterans, but the only good news today was that some of the medical bills may be covered by Medicare.

Meanwhile, across the pond, apparently new evidence has surfaced that Rupert Murdoch’s son James lied about not having seen emails regarding the phone hacking scandal. Who does James think he is? A U.S. college football coach?

The University of Miami football booster scandal may end up being the biggest so far of this century. (No joke, over 70 athletes involved, for now.) And in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up dept, former Miami AD Paul Dee, who was in charge during the period of allegations, was the NCAA Committee on Infractions chairman who banned USC for two years over the Reggie Bush and O.J Mayo cases.

The latest contender for the Washington QB job is John Beck (who?); Beck will apparently start Friday and get a chance to compete with Rex Grossman. Good thing President Obama only has to try to fix the economy to get re-elected, instead of an impossible project like fixing the Redskins.

Self-described Elvis fan Michelle Bachmann just asked a crowd in South Carolina to wish Presley a Happy Birthday. Except that Aug 16 is not his birthday, but the day he died. (August 16, 1977, our head cashier at Farrell’s in Orlando called in sick when she heard the news.)

Regarding Michele Bachmann’s wishing Elvis Presley a happy birthday today. If Elvis wasn’t dead the thought of his woman becoming President just killed him.

Researchers in England have found evidence that caffeine might protect against certain skin cancers. Either that or spending all your time in Starbucks and other coffee houses means you never get out in the sunlight.

Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell now says she regrets her “I’m not a witch” ad. Not sure if that’s because it cost her votes, or because the witch’s union threatened to revoke her membership.

Alas, Molly Ivins isn’t around to cover the current state of politics in this country, but I do think the times call for reviving some of her quotes – starting with this one:

“Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”

The 2012 Amazing Race.

August 15, 2011

Just wondering, all these folks saying it’s God’s will that they run for President. Well, if God really does weigh in on these matters, I’m waiting for the first person to acknowledge God told them to sit down and STFU.

Tim Pawlenty on Sunday dropped out of the Presidential race. Thus surprising millions of Americans who didn’t know he was IN the Presidential race.

From Marc Ragovin: After finishing way out of the running in the Iowa straw poll, Tim Pawlenty said that he was dropping his presidential bid and would throw his support behind the eventual GOP nominee. That’s like the Clippers announcing that they are ceding five minutes of practice time to the Lakers.

Keegan Bradley has won the PGA championship in a playoff. Even Scott Verplank and Steve Stricker are going, “Who?”

The Southeastern Conference decided not to expand for football at this time and said they will not be adding Texas A and M. Maybe they’re holding out for a team that might be a better fit – the Carolina Panthers.

Sarah Palin doesn’t seem too thrilled by Rick Perry’s decision to run for President: ““I was quite sure he wasn’t going to run because he was quite adamant about it about four months ago. Evidently, he evolved in his thinking.” Okay, political junkies, this might be the first time Palin acknowledged the concept of evolution.

The San Francisco 49ers are now reportedly even looking at Daunte Culpepper at QB. Stay tuned, how long can it be until Harbaugh puts in a call to Brett Favre?

Maybe the SF Giants are finally learning: Sometimes what you really need to complete an ensemble is a good Belt.

Michele Bachmann stated today “I haven’t gone one place in Iowa or South Carolina or New Hampshire where anyone said, ‘Please raise my taxes.” Fair enough, but has she gone anywhere in any of those states where they said “Please cut my services, my Medicare or my social security.

Since SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy was running out of players, in the ninth inning he ordered reliever Santiago Casilla not to swing (lest he risk hurting himself.)

Casilla walked on four pitches. Maybe Bochy should issue the same order to some of his struggling position players.

A friend of mine got a suggestion from Twitter to follow Snooki. Wow. Snooki can write?

(and count to 140?)

NFL – Never Finished (with) Lawyers?

July 22, 2011

Anyone else think this endless NFL negotiation coverage on ESPN is beginning to feel like being at a endless dinner party with a squabbling couple? The argument is no longer interesting and you just want to be done hearing about it.

Today’s vote by the owners was 31 to 0 with Al Davis abstaining. At least, we think he was abstaining. He may have just been taking a nap.

A Los Angeles traffic officer has been fired for appearing in uniform in a pornographic film. Insert nightstick joke here.

According to court filings, Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t want to pay Maria Shriver spousal support. Well, this could make a certain amount of sense – Arnold may have no idea how many child support payments are ahead of him.

Photos are circulating on the internet of Sarah Palin’s newest daughter-in-law, Britta, at her baby shower. The very pregnant 21 year old woman was married to Palin’s son Track in May. Of this year. Got to love that abstinence-only education.

A Turkish team has confirmed they have talked with Kobe Bryant’s agent about the Lakers’ star playing in Istanbul if the NBA season is cancelled. Makes sense, Turkey has great jewelry stores.

In an interview with Fortune magazine, apparently former Harvard President Larry Summers referred to the Winklevoss twins as “a**holes.” Well, it takes one….

Sarah Palin to the rescue of the mainstream media? Really. She says she wants to “help” them: “I have a journalism degree. That is what I studied. I understand that this cornerstone of our democracy is a free press, is sound journalism. I want to help them build back their reputation and allow Americans to be able to trust what it is that they’re reporting.”

Meanwhile, from the ridiculous to the sublime as far as quotes:   As compromise becomes a dirty word in Washington, have to wonder if Yeats anticipated this debt ceiling mess – ‘Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.” And then  “the best lack all conviction, while the worst  /Are full of passionate intensity.”


Asked whether she still believes homosexuality is a choice, Michele Bachmann responded “I am running for the presidency of the United States. I am not running to be anyone’s judge.” Maybe, but she is running to appoint everyone’s judges.

Steve Williams told CNN he was disappointed and shocked that he was fired by Tiger Woods, especially “given the fact of my loyalty and the way that I stood by this guy through thick and thin ..And the timing of it is very poor, from my perspective.” Over-under on how long it takes Williams’ book on Tiger to come out?


Josh Hamilton will start wearing special sunglasses since he said he learned that blue eyes make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime. Mariners fans are wondering, maybe blue uniforms make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime AND nighttime?

“Severely Ethically Challenged” conference.

July 21, 2011

With LSU on probation  for a “major violation,” this now means every member of the SEC has been guilty of at least one such violation since 1990,  

Somehow, however, this probation  doesn’t extend to a postseason ban for the Tigers. (Who are one of the top schools in the NCAA as far as fans who will travel and buy tickets.)   Yeah, that’ll teach them.

In the “department of repetitious redundancy department”,  for what it’s worth , SEC conference is redundant, since it stands for Southeastern Conference.”  If anyone cares.)

SEC commissioner Mike Slive said that college sports need major reform. Really? The head of the SEC?  Isn’t that like Newt Gingrich talking about defending family values?  Or Bill Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act?   Or Bristol Palin promoting abstinence…? 

Oops, never mind.


‘During an internal cross-check, the California Department of Motor Vehicles reported they may have sent almost 60,000 of their more than 2 million disabled parking placards to dead people. Or as a DMV spokesman said in their defense, “people who are really really really disabled.”

Not saying Americans are out of touch, but wonder how many of them think the “debt ceiling” is the roof on a crematorium.

Maybe we could get Americans on both sides to pay attention to the whole proceedings if we turned them into a reality show. (Start referring to congressional conferences as “Group Dates?”  And tune in next week to see which budget compromises get a rose?)

“‘The full consequences of a default or even the serious prospect of a default by the United States are impossible to predict and awesome to contemplate. The nation can ill afford to allow such a result.” -California Senator Barbara Boxer today, quoting that noted liberal President Ronald Reagan.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Michael Vick appeared before Congress on Tuesday to denounce dogfighting—and as soon as he was through referring to Republicans and Democrats arguing over the debt ceiling, he talked about pit bulls”

A joint joke with the very funny Paul Seaburn:

“It’s hot in Minnesota, but Michelle Bachmann says she will not be incapacitated by ice cream headaches.”

Of course, you do need to have a brain to freeze.

Michelle Bachmann herself said of the migraine issue. “I have prescription medication that I take whenever symptoms arise, and they keep the migraines under control.”

(And the unwritten subtext – “but of course, I still plan to repeal Obamacare and make medical care even more of a free market commodity. And  well,, most of you poor folks who can’t afford the medications aren’t doing anything important enough with your time that being incapacitated for a while would matter.)

A woman was arrested near Portland for trying to sell her newborn baby? What kind of monster tries to sell a baby? A teenager, well, okay, that makes some sense.

The Institute of Medicine, an independent nonprofit organization, issued a report that said birth control should be able at no cost to patients under the health care reform law. It would save unwanted pregancies and money. Just wondering, why doesn’t just one of these anti-welfare, anti-abortion conservatives come forward and agree with this?

The buck stops….?

July 20, 2011

“The buck stops anywhere but here” award today goes to Rupert Murdoch. Asked by a member of a parliamentary committtee “Do you accept that ultimately you are responsible for this whole fiasco?” Murdoch simply responded: “No.”

Potentially scary questions about Murdoch media enterprises in the U.S. Do they have higher ethical standards than their compatriots in the U.K? Or have they just not been caught yet?

A Northern California man who started a fire by smoking meth with a blowtorch near a container of gunpowder has been sentenced to 45 days in jail. Although he missed out on the prize he richly deserved – a Darwin award.

The latest Michele Bachmann headlines are about her possibly incapacitating migraines. And Bachmann has responded “I have prescribed medication that I take whenever symptoms arise and they keep the migraines under control.” Just one more addition to the list of those who benefit from good healthcare, and still want to deny it to many Americans.

Adds Alex Schubert: “Considering her public speaking ability, she should share some of her migraine medication.”

Michael Vick is now working with three members of congressmen to support an anti-dogfighting bill. Well, it’s no stranger (and will do a lot more good) than many divorced and/or unfaithful politicians supporting the Defense of Marriage Act.

The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating a Colorado air traffic controller for allegedly working while intoxicated. In the controller’s defense, he said he was studying for his pilot’s license.

Delta Airlines has indicated plans to pull out of 15 small towns if they don’t get increased federal subsidies. Six of those cities are in Minnesota, and Delta is the only carrier serving them. Will someone please ask Michele Bachmann and Tim Pawlenty to confirm their anti-goverment spending stance on this one?

Seattle Mariners fans were shocked tonight when their team, who would have to go on a offensive tear to make it up to “light-hitting,” actually scored five runs in the first two innings.

Then reality set in and the Mariners didn’t score again and lost 6-5 in 14 innings.

And okay creative readers,  who wants to guess what Brian Wilson will wear next week for the San Francisco Giants’ visit to the White House?