Posted tagged ‘debt ceiling jokes’

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Not so high hopes?

October 10, 2013

Talk about a culture of diminished expectations. The Dow rose over 300 points today over a GOP proposal for a temporary debt ceiling raise, which would keep the government shut down. It’s like dropping the insurance rates on a wild teenage party, because one or two adults might have shown up.

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So wonder if the #OaklandAthletics have invited the #DetroitTigers to jump in their stadium sewage?

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The rumors of Justin Verlander’s pitching demise have been greatly exaggerated.

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As Sonny Gray took the mound for Oakland tonight, A’s fans were thinking “Madison Bumgarner.” Tigers fans were thinking “Salomon Torres.”

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Big money ball thought of the day: You could add the payrolls of the Detroit Tigers and Oakland As together, and still be about $30 million less than the LA Dodgers…

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Wild times in Provo. Apparently Coke Zero, which is forbidden along with other caffeinated beverages at Mormon-owned BYU, was accidentally stocked in a campus vending machine, and according to the Salt Lake Tribune “immediately caused a run on the machine.” Just imagine the profit potential for smuggling Starbucks….

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SF 49ers’ LB Aldon Smith was charged with 3 felony counts of illegal possession of an assault weapon yesterday. The guns in question are legal in some states, but not California. Considering the variation in state laws, free agency rules, and some players’ mindsets, you’d think Florida and Arizona would have better football teams….

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From T.C.  “In honor of QB Matt Schaub, A Houston pizza joint has a item called “Pick 6″ toppings. It’s pickup only as the owner figures deliveries could be intercepted.”

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The service academies will be able to continue playing football and other sports through the end of October, despite the government shutdown. Well, with our country’s priorities so in order, sounds like things will be resolved by Nov 1.

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Actor James Woods told a Twitter follower “‘I don’t expect to work again” after he criticized President-Obama over the government shutdown. Responded most Americans “Who’s James Woods?”

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The Democrats and Republicans are often going to disagree. And laws will be passed in future that one or another party does not like. So to those who are cheering Boehner’s shutdown strategy, assume you have no problem with Democrats doing it in future when THEY strongly believe a law is dangerous to our country? #thenewnormal

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A friend of a friend is against Obamacare because of the “tyranny of forcing people to buy something from a private company.” So what’s the next government shutdown going to be over? Car insurance?

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The Jonas Brothers canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band.” And in a display of bipartisan unity, both GOP and Democratic parents who had promised to take their pre-teens to the shows, said “Now, there’s a shutdown we can get behind.”

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Saddest thing about a sad Glee episode, the disclaimer during the credits “The events and characters depicted in this motion picture are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events, is purely coincidental.” Tonight, wish that that were true. #Rememberingcory

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Hitting the ceiling.

August 3, 2011

Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

Really? Doesn’t that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? (Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)

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The San Francisco Giants have now lost five straight – Tuesday night 6 to 1- and haven’t scored four runs in over a week.

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Showtime is doing a series on the team called the Franchise.

Wonder how long it will take someone to do a movie on the Giants’ lineup? It will be a remake of “Eight Men Out.”
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(Or maybe “Eight Men Out” is the Jeopardy answer to the question. What usually happens when the Giants position players each have a turn at bat with runners in scoring position?)

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The San Francisco Giants seem to have accomplished the impossible. Take a weak hitting team, add two .300 hitters(Beltran and Keppinger), and start hitting…worse?

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Barry Zito is now back on the Disabled List for the San Francisco Giants. “Disabled?” Actually the NFL has a better list title for players in his condition: “Physically Unable to Perform.”

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Any truth to the rumors that as Congress left town they let out a collective cry of “Winning?!”

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Congress went right from the debt bill to summer recess. Without addressing the FAA issue which has resulted in domestic air taxes (and thus funding for air travel projects) lapsing. United Airlines celebrated today by raising international airfares $40.00. You’d think if Congress really wanted higher approval ratings they would get together on re-regulating the airlines.

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Meanwhile, Colorado Rep. Doug Lamborn apologized for calling President Obama a “tar baby.” and said he “absolutely intended no offense.” Really? With the term “tar baby?” This settles it. Lamborn is either a liar or an idiot.

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A New Jersey politician (who at least has been separated from his wife for two years) is under fire since nude pictures he sent to a woman he was flirting with online showed up on the internet. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying, “Thank heaven it wasn’t Chris Christie.”

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Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office.

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from Gary Morton:

After signing legislation to raise the debt ceiling, the President saw the stock market plunge 266 points. Guess they should have been working on the debt basement.

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The proposal.

August 2, 2011

I’m a little confused by this final debt ceiling proposal. Who gave who the final rose?

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Many Americans on both sides would say that we all ended up with plenty of… fertilizer.

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Watching ABC’s previews for “Bachelor Pad.” The perfect show for all those who think the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” is too emotionally restrained and classy.

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Jerry Lewis slammed the show “American Idol,” Saying the contestants are all “McDonalds Wipeouts.” Responded McDonalds Corp, “Who’s Jerry Lewis?”

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Oakland Athletics owner Lew Wolff, speaking in support of his friend Bud Selig, says that for the “good of baseball,” he hopes Frank McCourt will sell the Los Angeles Dodgers soon. Uh, actually, for the good of baseball, many people wish Wolff would sell the hapless As.

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A woman from Kansas is in stable condition after being accidentally run over by a Beach Patrol pickup truck while sunbathing on Daytona Beach. I see a new “safer alternative” advertising campaign for tanning salons.

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Saw the SI.com headline Monday “Bradshaw agrees to return to Giants.” You know you’ve heard too many Brett Favre stories when your first reaction is “Dear Gawd, not Terry too?”

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A joint effort with my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “Jennifer Lopez talks about her marital trouble in Vanity Fair, but please still respect her privacy, ok?”

Like Sarah Palin calling news conferences to promote her documentary and asking the media to leave her family alone.

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Limelight-loving Randy Moss says he is retiring. Even Pete Rose is saying “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

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The New York Jets feel Plaxico Burress will be a positive addition this year Although while the wide receiver is talented, there were other issues -mostly attitude related – with the Giants before he ended up in prison.

If Burress ends up being more trouble than he is worth will other teams feel like they dodged a bullet?

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Rex Ryan said it was a “leap of faith” to sign Plaxico Burress. Well, at least he didn’t say it was a “shot in the dark.”

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Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has returned to the House floor for the first time since her shooting, casting her vote for the debt ceiling compromise. Apparently Giffords still has some trouble stringing coherent sentences together. This still, however, puts her ahead of many members of Congress.

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San Francisco is placing Barry Zito on the DL again. Nothing personal, but judging by his last few starts, most fans would say that “D” stands for “Disgusting.”
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Actually the only hope for Zito at this point may be to get pitching lessons from Gaylord Perry.

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“Down under” Tiger joke from Augie: Said Tiger, “This will allow me to keep my short strokes down under the minimum so I can get it in the hole easier.”

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Finally, Mitt Romney said Monday he opposes the debt ceiling deal. Which means in about a week he should be supporting it.

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Deadlines and more deadlines.

August 1, 2011

The Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game as a franchise this weekend. Not to be outdone, the Houston Astros showed at the trade deadline that they aspire to reach that mark this decade.

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Astros GM Ed Wade responded to criticism of the team’s trading away their best players by saying “It’s not a fire sale.” “Fire?” – More like a cremation sale.

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San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy downplayed Miguel Tejada’s comments about returning from the DL as early as this week, saying “He’s still not able to move.”

Responded many regular Giants fans “And this is different from the rest of the season how?”

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From Gary Morton in Seattle: The US Postal Service is going to feature online previews of the stamps in its 2012 collection. That’s great news for insomniacs when the Mariners have a day off.

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Paul McCartney played two concerts this week at Wrigley Field. It’s the latest in the year fans at the stadium can remember seeing so many big hits.

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Watching the debt ceiling process kind of makes me wish Congress also had a trade deadline.

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A United Airlines plane had to divert briefly to Havana, Cuba, when the pilots noticed a burning smell on the plane. You could tell the hardcore frequent fliers on board. While many passengers wondered about being able to buy cigars, they were the ones calculating the extra mileage United owed them.

(The diversion appears to have been about an extra 100 miles)
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New research suggests that fatty foods may not just taste good, they may alter the brain’s response to sadness, thus literally serving as “comfort foods.”

I can see it now – Prescription Happy Meals.

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Not to say that President Obama surrendered on the debt ceiling deal. But he got a congratulatory phone call from France.

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So Plaxico Burress is now a member of the New York Jets. Well, he may not know the team’s playbook, but at least he’s familiar with the state’s penal code.
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Tiger Woods has announced he will play in this year’s Australian Open. Insert “Down under” joke here.

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Campaigning in Iowa, Newt Gingrich said President Obama has been “totally irresponsible.” And who would know totally irresponsible better than a man who left two sick wives for younger women.

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Crazy times.

July 29, 2011

Ann Coulter said on the Joy Behar show that some gay people can indeed ‘pray away the gay.’ The response from the gay community -if that were true we could “pray away” Ann Coulter.

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Sarah Palin urged House Republican freshmen today to stick to their principles when it comes to raising the debt limit. Well, at least until half way through the vote.

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Do we need any more proof that this recession isn’t hurting the rich? Whole Foods just announced a 35 percent jump in their fiscal third quarter profit.

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President Obama is having a tough time getting any sort of bipartisan agreement these days. Shame he can’t promise that if we get a deal on the debt ceiling he would get rid of Dan Snyder.

(for the uninitiated,  Snyder is the owner of the Washington Redskins, and one of the few men in D.C. equally hated by both sides.)

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John McCain yesterday quoted a Wall Street Journal article in referring to those who don’t want to raise the debt-ceiling as “Tea Party Hobbits.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology – from Hobbits.

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But really, John McCain as the voice of reason?   Either he’s remembered the Senator he used to be, or he’s forgotten those years he was running for President.  (Or he’s starting to listen to Meghan.)

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The San Diego Padres and Petco set a Guinness World Record during their annual “Dog Days of Summer” day: The most dogs in a pet costume parade – 337 to be exact. (Pretty safe bet this is not a record that will ever be topped by cats.)

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The Tennessee Titans have released Vince Young, their first pick (#3 overall in the the 2006 draft.) So as unbelievable as it seems, yes, folks, Alex Smith with the 49ers has outlasted him.

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And at a early practice Thursday, Michael Crabtree injured his foot and may be out 4-6 weeks.  On a brighter note, the 49ers’ chances to win the Andrew Luck lottery just went up another notch.

 

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Amy Winehouse’s family thinks she died of “alcohol withdrawal,” basically from because they say she stopped drinking cold-turkey. Whether it’s true or not, hope no one shows this story to Lindsay Lohan.

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In a recent study of possible compulsive behavior, subjects checked their smartphones an average of  34 times a day. One word – “Amateurs.”

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Last week Texas Gov. Rick Perry was asked about NY’s new same-sex marriage law. He replied “That’s New York, and that’s their business, and that’s fine with me.” Today he said “it’s fine with me that a state is using their sovereign rights to decide an issue. Obviously gay marriage is not fine with me. My stance hasn’t changed.” Sounds like it’s not just good hair that Rick has in common with John Kerry.

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So the standard GOP line is that tax cuts for the rich will be good for all Americans. So let’s see, for a semi-test case, this week the federal aviation tax has expired, meaning in theory a 7.5 percent cut in the cost of airline tickets. And what have most airlines done? Raised fares 7.5 percent to make up for the tax cut.

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A couple thoughts to end from T.C.

Regarding that 19 inning game ending at 1:50am. The Pirates that got hosed by the blown call at home plate. If it was the Yankees, MLB would have a new replay policy in effect, retroactive to 1:45am.

Likely (sick)  headline coming soon? “Mike Vick to unleash Favre as backup”

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It’s 3am in Washington, D.C.

July 27, 2011

Do you know where your debt ceiling is?

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Okay, let’s borrow from reality television and solve this debt ceiling thing in about one night. Lock Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in a “fantasy suite” together and don’t let them out until they have a deal.

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President Obama referred to the fight over the debt ceiling as a “partisan three-ring circus.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from Ringling Brothers.

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In California, controller John Chiang stopped paying lawmakers when they couldn’t agree on a budget. Maybe we should have sent him to Washington, D.C. Monday along with the San Francisco Giants.

 

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Baseball stat of the night. Jered Weaver of the Angels has more wins in July (five), than the Seattle Mariners (four.)

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Apparently the New York Giants are considering resigning their former wide receiver Plaxico Burress. When asked, Giants management said they decided they might as well take a shot at it.

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, on the end of the lockout. “”I hope we gave a little lesson to the people in Washington because the debt ceiling is a lot easier to fix than this was.” Well, that ought to put rest to the rumor that NFL owners are a bunch of self-absorbed narcissistic jerks.

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Bengals owner Mike Brown insisted on Tuesday that he won’t trade quarterback Carson Palmer, who said he would retire rather than play again for Cincinnati. So in terms that Bengals fans understand, Brown considers Palmer’s contract “non-bailable.”

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A man at New Orleans’ airport injured a United ticket agent when he accidentally fired his hunting rifle while trying to check the gun with his baggage. Well, good to see Dick Cheney’s getting out and around again.

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Phillies fans are apparently planning to jeer Bruce Bochy for all three games the Giants are in San Francisco, because they are mad that he used their star pitchers in the All-Star game. (Really.) But to be fair to the fans, this is a tough time of year in Philadelphia, it’s at least four months until they can boo Santa Claus.

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Tuesday night the Seattle Mariners and Doug Fister (3-11) took their 16 game losing streak against the New York Yankees and C.C. Sabathia. (14-5) I think the Christians had a better chance against the Lions.

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“Severely Ethically Challenged” conference.

July 21, 2011

With LSU on probation  for a “major violation,” this now means every member of the SEC has been guilty of at least one such violation since 1990,  

Somehow, however, this probation  doesn’t extend to a postseason ban for the Tigers. (Who are one of the top schools in the NCAA as far as fans who will travel and buy tickets.)   Yeah, that’ll teach them.

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In the “department of repetitious redundancy department”,  for what it’s worth , SEC conference is redundant, since it stands for Southeastern Conference.”  If anyone cares.)

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SEC commissioner Mike Slive said that college sports need major reform. Really? The head of the SEC?  Isn’t that like Newt Gingrich talking about defending family values?  Or Bill Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act?   Or Bristol Palin promoting abstinence…? 

Oops, never mind.

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‘During an internal cross-check, the California Department of Motor Vehicles reported they may have sent almost 60,000 of their more than 2 million disabled parking placards to dead people. Or as a DMV spokesman said in their defense, “people who are really really really disabled.”

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Not saying Americans are out of touch, but wonder how many of them think the “debt ceiling” is the roof on a crematorium.

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Maybe we could get Americans on both sides to pay attention to the whole proceedings if we turned them into a reality show. (Start referring to congressional conferences as “Group Dates?”  And tune in next week to see which budget compromises get a rose?)

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“‘The full consequences of a default or even the serious prospect of a default by the United States are impossible to predict and awesome to contemplate. The nation can ill afford to allow such a result.” -California Senator Barbara Boxer today, quoting that noted liberal President Ronald Reagan.
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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Michael Vick appeared before Congress on Tuesday to denounce dogfighting—and as soon as he was through referring to Republicans and Democrats arguing over the debt ceiling, he talked about pit bulls”
 

A joint joke with the very funny Paul Seaburn:

“It’s hot in Minnesota, but Michelle Bachmann says she will not be incapacitated by ice cream headaches.”

Of course, you do need to have a brain to freeze.

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Michelle Bachmann herself said of the migraine issue. “I have prescription medication that I take whenever symptoms arise, and they keep the migraines under control.”

(And the unwritten subtext – “but of course, I still plan to repeal Obamacare and make medical care even more of a free market commodity. And  well,, most of you poor folks who can’t afford the medications aren’t doing anything important enough with your time that being incapacitated for a while would matter.)

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A woman was arrested near Portland for trying to sell her newborn baby? What kind of monster tries to sell a baby? A teenager, well, okay, that makes some sense.

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The Institute of Medicine, an independent nonprofit organization, issued a report that said birth control should be able at no cost to patients under the health care reform law. It would save unwanted pregancies and money. Just wondering, why doesn’t just one of these anti-welfare, anti-abortion conservatives come forward and agree with this?

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Mr. Bochy goes to Washington.

July 19, 2011

For the SF Giants’ visit to the White House next week, rumor has it that President Obama has invited Speaker John Boehner to join them. That way the team can get a real Orange and Black welcome.

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Actually President Obama has to be thrilled about having the SF Giants visit. After getting it from both sides during this debt ceiling debate, at least with the Giants lineup the President knows he won’t have to absorb any hits.

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Another day, another resignation at Scotland Yard over the Murdoch hacking scandal. This mess could end up being the downfall of more policemen than all you can eat free  doughnut giveaway.

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Rebekah Brooks’ lawyer says she is not guilty of any criminal offense. Though police now say at least 4,000 people were hacked by News of the World, Brooks is denying she knew anything wrong was going on while she was editor. Ah, the increasingly common “clueless defense.”

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“Cut, cap and balance?” (One of the Tea Party pledges)  Can’t decide if it sounds more like some package special at the hair salon, or like what BP was trying to do with that well.

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In a suburb of Vienna this weekend, thieves made off with a semi-trailer filled with 21 tons of mustard and ketchup. Reportedly there is an all-points bulletin out for the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

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A man in a wedding dress briefly interrupted play by running onto the field during the Nationals-Braves game last weekend. Guess that answers the question – “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman?”

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Reggie Bush’s family has taken back a copy of his 2005 Heisman Trophy from a San Diego sports museum. Maybe they plan to trade it for tattoos?

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USC has suspended running back Marc Tyler after he was interviewed by TMZ and asked if athletes were paid more at USC or in the pros. Tyler says was “joking” when he responded “USC, they breaking bread,” and made a gesture indicating money. Well, the truth may or may not set you free, but it does apparently get you kicked off the Trojans.

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Borders Books is facing liquidation after no bids emerged in an auction from any investors who wanted to keep the chain going. While this is bad news for the company’s over 10,000 employees, it’s a bit of karmic payback for the countless independent bookstores Borders put out of business during their heyday.

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When they put together the video of the U.S. women’s run in the World Cup, especially with all those “almost” goals in the final, will the background music be from “Get Smart?” (“Missed it by THAT much.”)

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Fox News reported that “The Undefeated,” the Sarah Palin documentary, opened to packed houses. But the article appeared before the film was even showing in theatres. Gosh, who would have expected anything duplitious from a Murdoch enterprise.

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From TC “In Germany, Paul the Octopus 2 correctly predicted Japan would beat the US in the Womens World Cup. His reward? He was not invited to be a part of the celebratory dinner.”

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Only 20 more shopping days…

July 14, 2011

Until the trade deadline.   Which made Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, for the Yankees, the equivalent of window shopping.

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Forget actually playing, three Yankees, A-Rod, Rivera, and Jeter didn’t even bother to show up with their All-Star team. Maybe they figured the home field advantage wouldn’t matter in the World Series, since New York won’t be there either.-

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Bud Selig defended Derek Jeter’s not even to attend the All Star Game tonight for a quick wave to the crowd, saying “There isn’t a player I’m more proud of in the last 15 years …I know why he is not here. I respect that and I must tell you that I think I would have made the same decision.” Then Selig called Yankee management and asked “Did I say that right?”

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Yet another example of why, no matter what team you root for, you have to like Pablo Sandoval. When told he was designated as the team’s utility player, and that he might have to catch in a pinch, the Giants’ third baseman responded “I’ll pitch too.”

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Sherwood Schwartz, the creator and theme song writer for both the “The Brady Bunch” and “Gilligan’s Island.” has died at the age of 94. Funeral arrangements are pending, but before the service of course, attendees will go on a “three hour tour.”

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ESPN is suing Ohio State University, for alleged violations of state public records law regarding denied requests for items related to the recent NCAA football investigation. University spokesman Jim Lynch says the university believes it has followed applicable law. And at this point, why should anyone doubt OSU’s credibility

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So now it appears that the scumbags at Murdoch’s papers in Britain were not only hacking murder victims and soldiers, but also the Prime Minister, the Queen, and who knows who else. When these guys get out of jail maybe the CIA or MI-5 should hire them, sounds like they could have traced down Bin Laden years ago.

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The IRS is going after the 23 year old cell-phone salesman who caught Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit, for $15,000 based on the value of what the Yankees gave him. Meanwhile, GM pays no taxes for 10 years. Is this a great country or what?

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TC from Canada has an interesting take on this. “Does he not get a deduction for the ball that he donated to Jeter?  Canadian tax law would allow you a trade off.  Once the ball clears the fence, it becomes public domain) Lopez didn’t get the tickets for the remainder of the season for “Nothing”. He gave Jeter the ball which could be worth close to a million$. It’s not a gift!!!!!! i’m not a tax expert for the US of A, but i’m guessing if Lopez has to pay, then so would Jeter. make sense?”)

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In his statement to Republicans in Congress, President Obama said “I do not see a path to a deal if the basic proposition is ‘it’s my way or the highway.'”   The GOP immediately responded, “Hey, wait a minute, we never said the highway was on the table.”

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Okay, here’s an idea for the Republicans who don’t want to tax “job creators.” How about a tax break for corporations ONLY for each living wage job they create right here in the USA.

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