Posted tagged ‘Bud Selig jokes’

Not such high times?

August 5, 2014

San Mateo County authorities said they intercepted two large vans carrying 180 bales of marijuana, 5.148 pounds, (worth $23 million). that had just been offloaded from a boat that had sailed from Mexico.   Hmm.. Is there any way California can make a deal with Colorado here? Maybe trade the haul for water?

Chrissie Hynde says that when John McEnroe was at Wimbledon he’d call her because she had pot and they would hang out and smoke.  So Chrissie may be a great musician, but sounds like she’s a lousy judge of good marijuana.

USA Today reports that MLB is down to three finalists to succeed Bud Selig as commissioner. Which means Bud will probably die of old age while in office.


A security firm named “Hold Security” says Russian criminals have stolen a total of 1.2 billion Internet user names and passwords. Of course, probably 1.1 billion of those passwords are 123456789.

Last night Albert Pujols tagged up from first and went to second after Yasiel Puig nonchalantly caught a ball. Words were exchanged. The less than fleet-footed Pujols then mocked Puig afterward with gestures and facial expressions. But how long in LA until they start referring to “Puig being Puigy?”

Really? This Fox News headline “Ebola outbreak fuels concerns over health risks along US-Mexico border.” Later in the article Fox does allow that “No case of an illegal immigrant carrying Ebola has been reported. But a Homeland Security report did say that “in two cases, the children of a border agent got chicken pox after their exposure to a child who had the illness.”

A U.S. general was killed and 15 others injured when a shooter wearing an Afghan military uniform opened fire at a training facility in Afghanistan. Alas, once again even for experts, it can be hard to tell the difference between a good guy and a bad guy with a gun.

Everyone’s favorite owner Dan Snyder talked about how those criticizing the Redskins name should focus instead on the difficulties many Native Americans face on reservations. And added that he learned during recent visits to Native American tribes that “they love” the team. Amongst things Snyder clearly has never learned – quit while you’re ahead.

A 62 year old woman who has been arrested repeatedly at San Francisco International Airport trying to sneak onto flights, today made it onto a flight from San Jose to Los Angeles. This may not be what San Jose officials have had in mind when they tout their airport as a faster alternative.

The woman is now in jail in Los Angeles. Presume they will have to bring her back to the Bay Area to stand trial…. by plane?!

So why didn’t we see this on Fox News? The GOP-led House Intelligence Committee just declassified a report on Benghazi. Rep. Mike Thompson says the report “confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given.”

Time to start trying to repeal Obamacare again?’

In New York, 11 people were injured when two double-decker tour buses collided today near Times Square. Good thing the bus companies aren’t run by the airlines. They’d charge the tourists extra for a thrill ride.



She’s baaaack. V. Stiviano now is hinting on Instagram that she will soon reveal the father of her 4 year old daughter. And somewhere Andy Warhol is thinking “She’s already had 14 minutes too many.”


Driving the bus to hell badly is T.C. (Whose last name is Chong so he can get away with this.)   “One of the signs at Citi Field said ‘Hunter Pence cannot parallel park.’     ?????. Didn’t know he was Oriental.”




Continuing Heat wave?

June 6, 2014

San Antonio says they have fixed the air conditioning after a sweltering game 1 at A T & T Center. Considering the result, have they fixed it at a constant 90 degrees? #Spurs


Lebron James says “I know I’m the easiest target that we have in sports, I’m aware of it.” And A-Rod responded “Who am I, chopped liver?”


Bud Selig twice referred yesterday to the of the 20014 MLB Draft. 20014? Maybe the commissioner was confused. That’s when his Blue Ribbon Committee will make a decision on the proposed move of the Oakland As..

Rashad McCants, who as a junior was a member of UNC’s championship men’s basketball team, says that tutors wrote his papers and he took ‘bogus” classes to stay eligible during his three years at the university. Gosh,at least Calipari’s “one-and-dones’ only fake their way through one semester.

J.Lo and Casper Smart have split up. Wonder if she left him for a younger man?

John McCain is loudly criticizing President Obama’s deal to release Bowe Bergdahl. Which is particularly interesting considering that Senator McCain himself was part of a POW swap by Richard Nixon. #memoryisthefirstthingtogo


Friday was the 70th anniversary of #DDay, the invasion of Normandy. For many college football players not to be confused with days when they found they barely avoided “F”s in class.


An analyst says the New York Knicks could now be worth $3 billion. Could you imagine how much the team might be worth if they could actually make the playoffs?


A Ghana witch doctor says he put a spell on Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo and caused his thigh injury. Yeah, well if the witch doctor is really good let’s see if he can get Ghana out of the World Cup first round…..



The first tweet from @CIA -“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” Waiting for some GOP House member to call this a time wasting exercise and blame it on Obama.


A San Antonio area school district is upsetting some parents by banning children from bringing sunscreen to school or on field trips. Sunscreen is considered a toxic substance. Wonder if it’s okay if kids bring something harmless instead, like guns.

(My friend Jeff Klein adds “Tan your Ground.”)


Richard Sherman beat out Cam Newton in online voting at and so will be on the cover of the new “Madden NFL 15” video game. Which could be good news, for Panthers and 49ers fans.

A Seattle Pacific University student monitor who pepper-sprayed the gunman and tackled him is being hailed as a hero. Out of habit the NRA responded, “if only he had been armed.”

Regarding this Super Bowl Arabic-Roman numbering issue, Marty says he’s looking forward to  “World Series CVIII.”

Rocky Mountain High.

May 15, 2014

In the first quarter of 2014, the fastest-growing U.S. hotel market in terms of room demand was…. Denver. Would we call this a high occupancy rate

A 17-year-old girl was kicked out of her senior prom in Virginia last weekend, because some of the fathers chaperoning said her dress was too short, her dancing was “too provocative” and she was going to “cause the young men at the prom to think impure thoughts.” I’ve got news for them, getting up in the morning causes young men to think impure thoughts.


Donald Sterling’s lawyer has told the NBA that the Clippers’ owner won’t pay his fine and will sue the league if he isn’t afforded “due process.” So okay, did anyone expect this guy to accept his punishment with grace and go away quietly?


MLB has announced they have formed a committee to replace retiring commissioner Bud Selig. Well, considering how that “Blue Ribbon” committee to look into moving the Oakland A’s is working out, Selig apparently has plans to be around for at least another decade.

The Montreal Canadiens and Boston Bruins played their NINTH game 7 last night. A pro sports record. And Chicago Cubs fans responded “What’s a game 7”

In Canada, the FCC equivalent reprimanded three porn broadcast stations, not for obscenity, but because they felt short of the country’s rules requiring at least 35% of content be of Canadian origin. Ah, the things you have time to worry about when you have healthcare and strict gun laws.

Aaron Hernandez has now been indicted on murder charges for allegedly shooting two men dead in Boston in 2012. Just wondering, if Hernandez wasn’t a star for the New England Patriots might police have arrested him a lot sooner, and maybe prevented another murder?

Now the Montreal Canadiens’ Dale Weise said the Boston Bruins’ Milan Lucic “threatened” him during their postgame handshake (Something along the lines of “I’ll bleeping kill you next year.) Wow, a little more public animosity and a few bench-clearing brawls and ESPN might put these two teams on for Americans to watch in prime-time next year.

A tornado was seen just west of the Miami airport. And the National Weather Service Miami posted. “Take cover now.” So did sympathetic airlines respond by posting discount tornado shelter fees?

Robert Copeland, an 82 year-old police commissioner from Wolfeboro, NH, admits to calling President Obama the N-word, and says he won’t apologize. What’s next, Copeland offering the keys to the city to Donald Sterling?

A 31-year-old Texas woman was arrested after posing as a high school student for 8 months. In her defense will she say she was just auditioning for “Glee”?

From Bill Littlejohn:  “City officials say that New York City could survive a Godzilla attack.But, they added, it may not survive this year’s Mets bullpen”


Goodnight Moon, Exit Sandman

September 26, 2013

Mariano Rivera, 44, left the mound at Yankee Stadium tonight for the last time. “A promising career ended so young” said Jamie Moyer.

O.J. Simpson has apparently been accused of stealing cookies in prison. What’s his defense going to be… if my clothes still fit, you must acquit?

Apparently Cory Booker has been exchanging some flirty tweets (no pictures) with a Portland stripper. Oh, the indecision of it all, Some of his opponents would like to use this against the unmarried Newark mayor, but then it would go against their accusations of him being gay…..

CNN reports that pilots snoozed in the cockpit of an Airbus A330 flying to London last August, (Apparently a Virgin America plane.) Stand by for a “pilot coffee” surcharge.

From Bill Littlejohn:   “New part-owner Shaquille O’Neal apologized to Sacramento fans for calling their team ‘the Queens’ back in the day.He did, however, encourage them to bring back their cow bells to the arena when Kobe Bryant comes to town”

Sarah Palin is threatening to endorse Primary opponents for GOP Senators who don’t go along with Ted Cruz? Maybe Cruz should really endear himself to Palin and quit his Senate term halfway through.

Bud Selig took over as acting MLB commissioner on Sept. 9, 1992, saying repeatedly he wouldn’t stay on in the job. He has now announced he will retire in 2015. When presumably Bud will join Cher on a farewell tour.

Some try to compare Eli Manning to his brother Peyton. But the way the Giants started off this year, maybe the more apt comparison now is to his dad Archie with the Saints.

An apparent deal has been reached on a U.N. resolution to require Syria to dismantle its chemical weapons stockpiles. Hmm, time for the House to vote to overthrow Obamacare again.

Dodgers fans might want to skip this one  – Even in a lost season there are joys. Like Tim #Lincecum striking out Yasiel #Puig three times in 7 innings. #SFGiants

Wendy Davis is running for Governor of Texas. And somewhere Ann Richards and Molly Ivins are smiling.

Woo hoo! Faceback says they are finally going to have an “Edit” function for original posts. So dyslexics and people who just type too fast – untie!

Heads and other lines.

August 15, 2013

Headline of the day: “Florida issues warning about rare, brain-eating amoeba.” Which means most of the state’s residents should be safe.

Another headline  “Jon Stewart returns to the Daily Show September 3.  And somewhere  “And absolutely nothing has happened all summer.”:   Anthony Weiner.


Oprah gave away a car on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week.. Well, it was a cheaper gesture than a handbag.


The latest twist in the sleazy saga Bob Filner is that the San Diego Mayor even sexually harassed a great-grandmother. This latest alleged victim is represented by…. Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had August 15 in the pool. (What took Gloria so long?)


Meanwhile the latest news out of the mess that has become the America’s Cup is that Larry Ellison’s defending U.S. Champion Oracle team has been accused of cheating by Emirates Team New Zealand.  Gosh, who will stop  this endless billionaire on billionaire violence.


2013 Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli announced her retirement last night. “The first time is the hardest” responded Brett Favre.

Russian pole vaulting star Yelena Isinbayeva criticized other athletes who painted their fingernails in rainbow colors, and condemned homosexuality in general. Guessing this will not make her popular in the Olympic village with figure skaters.

From Bill Littlejohn:   “Before Thursday’s game against the Seattle Mariners, Rays players were surprised to see manager Joe Maddon with a python in the clubhouse.Guess he wanted to bring in someone who really knows how to run the squeeze play”

Yes,  it has been that bad.  Hector Sanchez’s 3-run pinch homer was just the Giants’ second HR with 2-plus aboard since June 13.

Bud Selig, defending A-Rod’s suspension: “I have a job to do, and the job is to protect the integrity of the sport and enforce our program, and that’s what I’m going to do.” (Well, at least when players are dumb enough to use a PED clinic that keeps records.)

Facebook is now giving me the message “Add your phone number to help secure your account and more.” More what? Robocalls to go with the online ads?

Love this sign at the store next door: “No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.”

Pay to play?

August 7, 2013

Not saying Johnny Manziel is getting a big head. But at this point I half expect to read that he gets pulled over for speeding and tries to charge the officer to sign the ticket.

Johnny Manziel allegedly received at least $7500 for signing autographs. Looks like the NCAA’s policy on accepting payments is working about as well as MLB’s drug policy.


Not saying ‪#‎A-Rod‬‘s self-centered act is getting old but even his mirror is telling him he might not be the fairest of them all anymore.

Bill Clinton said he and Hillary wouldn’t get within 100 miles of the New York mayoral race. Darn. Wishing Bill had said he wouldn’t touch the race with a 10 inch pole.

Rick Perry in a speech last weekend “There are many states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years. I’m in one today – Florida.” Except Perry was speaking in New Orleans. But give the Texas Governor credit, he was close. Sort of .

The GOP is threatening not to let NBC and CNN televise the next GOP presidential primary debates if they go ahead with miniseries about Hillary Clinton.The networks have to be wondering, how many good reasons will Rick Perry give them?

ABA conference starts today in San Francisco Is it just coincidence that 8,000 plus lawyers will descend on the city right in the middle of Shark Week?

You just can’t make this “stuff” up: Scott Hounsell, the former executive director of the GOP in Los Angeles County, has been mocking Anthony Weiner on Twitter. Last Friday he was arrested for allegedly sending sexting a 16-year-old.

Taco Bell is debuting a new waffle taco. For those who are tired of always starting the day with something healthy like a doughnut.

Just in case we thought this A-Rod circus didn’t have enough clowns, enter Ozzie Guillen. Who tweeted “its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol.”

Bud Selig had yesterday he was proud of baseball’s Joint Drug Program including “random testing, groundbreaking blood testing for human growth hormone..” Uh, Bud, except with all these suspensions – THE TESTING DIDN’T CATCH ANYONE……

You know it’s a long night at A T and T park when SF Giants fans are looking forward to the between innings “Kiss Cam” to see some scoring.

SF Giants scheduled Jewish Heritage night Tuesday night against the Milwaukee Brewers. Possibly to honor the top Jewish MLB player. Oops.

Really? In response to complaints that they haven’t chosen a minority as “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, ABC has made the daring move of choosing a hunky blonde ex-soccer player from…. Venezuela?

Good Prince What’s His Name….

July 22, 2013

Congrats to Kate and William.   The heir down, the spare to go.

The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.

From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’ “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”

More from the great Simon  “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”

And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.

Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.

Another nice thing about the ‪#‎royalbaby‬. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.

From Gary Bachman:  “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”

How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?

February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?

So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”

What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?

65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football.  (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four  game suspension.)

On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.

Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.

Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.

(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)

Can’t believe this man once sold used cars…..

July 15, 2013

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said today that “this sport is cleaner than it’s ever been.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight faces for “Who’s on First.”

In related news, Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan said today that Manny Ramirez could be called up to the team after the All-Star break.  Wonder if someone was on hand potentially to help Selig with the Heimlich maneuver.

The new version of Twinkies is about 10% smaller than the original version. No doubt Hostess will seek a price increase because the new snack cakes are healthier for you.

No joke, a new poll shows former Gov. Eliot Spitzer and ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner leading in their respective primary races. Who knew so many New Yorkers were aspiring comedians?


Johnny Manziel pleaded guilty to a lesser charge stemming from a bar fight in 2012, and will avoid jail time. Give the young man credit for being precocious – he’ll have a both a Heisman and at least one conviction before he ever gets to the NFL..

Steelers and Dolphin centers Mike and Maurkice Pouncey, ttwins who played with Aaron Hernandez at Florida, celebrated their birthday last night wearing “Free Hernandez” caps. Well that ought to do wonders for the image of NFL players as stupid thugs.


So what does the winner of the MLB ‪#‎Homerunderby‬ get? Besides increased PED testing for the rest of the season?

Puig is the toast of Los Angeles, Cespedes won the Home Run Derby…. Coast Guard boats looking to intercept Cuban refugees may find they have competition from MLB boats looking to give them safe haven.

Russian President Putin today said of Snowden “As soon as there is an opportunity for him to move elsewhere, I hope he will do that.” Wonder if Putin worries that Snowden can start hacking Russian computers from the airport?

An NTSB official said the intern who confirmed false names for the Asiana Flight 214 pilots to KTVU is no longer with the agency. “I am shocked”, said absolutely no one.

So Asiana Airlines has actually retained a U.S. law firm and plans to go ahead with a defamation suit against KTVU as a result of the pilot prank. Thereby guaranteeing that the story, and the joke names, including Some Ting Wong and Ho Lee Fuk, remain a headline for months to come.

T.C.  (Whose last name is Chong, so he can make this joke:  )  “Asiana Airlines said they are considering legal action against KTVU because the station’s reading of the four fake names “badly damaged” their reputation.  Look for them to show up with that famous Asian attorney Low Fee.

Look for them to show up with that famous Asian attorney Low Fee.

And the winner is….

June 5, 2013

The big Powerball winner turns out to be an 84 year old Florida woman. Lottery secretary Cynthia O’Connell said she took the smaller one-time amount and turned down the 30-year payout. Ya think?



The 84 year old woman who won the $590 million Powerball said she’s thankful to the person who let her cut in front of them in line to buy a Quick Pick ticket. Chivalry may not have been dead but this just killed it.



One more thought about the winner of the Powerball lottery. She waited two weeks to come forward. Two weeks at the age of 84? That’s a significant fraction of your life as a multimillionaire.


“The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent… The so-called steroid era is clearly a thing of the past.” Bud Selig, January, 2010. Uh, not exactly.

Apparently Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch asked A-Rod for financial help this Spring to fight an MLB lawsuit and was turned down. Proving probably once again, if you’re a public figure always pay off your mistresses, posse and pushers.


Not a great PR week for baseball. Now drug agents are apparently investigating a narcotics delivery to the home of Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez. If true, how stupid. Aren’t you supposed to have your posse take delivery of your drugs?


Turns out the drug allegedly mailed to the suburban home of Cleveland closer Chris Perez was marijuana. Really? If so Perez couldn’t have just waited until the Indians’ road trip this month to Seattle?

Some cruise lines have cancelled river cruises due to high water on the Danube. And at Carnival Cruise Lines they’re thinking “Bummer for them, but at least this time it’s not us.”

You’d think Gordon Gee, 69, who is stepping down in July as Pres. of Ohio State after snide remarks about Notre Dame and the SEC, would have learned to keep his mouth shut. You would think wrong. At a press conference to explain his decision, Gee added “I’ve only got a month to ruin the university. I’ve got to get at it.”

JaMarcus Russell may be getting a tryout with the Chicago Bears. If anyone could make Bears fans long for the halcyon days of Rex Grossman….


Former Sen. John Edwards apparently is going to open a new law firm and specialize in personal injury. Well, if anyone’s now an expert at injuring yourself…


I’m sure the young man will have a great career. But the Los Angeles Dodgers are no longer undefeated in the #YasielPuig era.

Only 20 more shopping days…

July 14, 2011

Until the trade deadline.   Which made Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, for the Yankees, the equivalent of window shopping.

Forget actually playing, three Yankees, A-Rod, Rivera, and Jeter didn’t even bother to show up with their All-Star team. Maybe they figured the home field advantage wouldn’t matter in the World Series, since New York won’t be there either.-

Bud Selig defended Derek Jeter’s not even to attend the All Star Game tonight for a quick wave to the crowd, saying “There isn’t a player I’m more proud of in the last 15 years …I know why he is not here. I respect that and I must tell you that I think I would have made the same decision.” Then Selig called Yankee management and asked “Did I say that right?”

Yet another example of why, no matter what team you root for, you have to like Pablo Sandoval. When told he was designated as the team’s utility player, and that he might have to catch in a pinch, the Giants’ third baseman responded “I’ll pitch too.”

Sherwood Schwartz, the creator and theme song writer for both the “The Brady Bunch” and “Gilligan’s Island.” has died at the age of 94. Funeral arrangements are pending, but before the service of course, attendees will go on a “three hour tour.”

ESPN is suing Ohio State University, for alleged violations of state public records law regarding denied requests for items related to the recent NCAA football investigation. University spokesman Jim Lynch says the university believes it has followed applicable law. And at this point, why should anyone doubt OSU’s credibility

So now it appears that the scumbags at Murdoch’s papers in Britain were not only hacking murder victims and soldiers, but also the Prime Minister, the Queen, and who knows who else. When these guys get out of jail maybe the CIA or MI-5 should hire them, sounds like they could have traced down Bin Laden years ago.

The IRS is going after the 23 year old cell-phone salesman who caught Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit, for $15,000 based on the value of what the Yankees gave him. Meanwhile, GM pays no taxes for 10 years. Is this a great country or what?

TC from Canada has an interesting take on this. “Does he not get a deduction for the ball that he donated to Jeter?  Canadian tax law would allow you a trade off.  Once the ball clears the fence, it becomes public domain) Lopez didn’t get the tickets for the remainder of the season for “Nothing”. He gave Jeter the ball which could be worth close to a million$. It’s not a gift!!!!!! i’m not a tax expert for the US of A, but i’m guessing if Lopez has to pay, then so would Jeter. make sense?”)

In his statement to Republicans in Congress, President Obama said “I do not see a path to a deal if the basic proposition is ‘it’s my way or the highway.'”   The GOP immediately responded, “Hey, wait a minute, we never said the highway was on the table.”

Okay, here’s an idea for the Republicans who don’t want to tax “job creators.” How about a tax break for corporations ONLY for each living wage job they create right here in the USA.

Another one bites the dust…

August 17, 2010

Latest sports oxymoron – Dodgers closer.

(A Los Angeles friend of mine says he has gotten so fed up he wants to see the team go for the record of the most different players to blow a save in one year.)

The World Anti-Doping Agency chief John Fahey was quoted as saying that Major League Baseball is “misleading” the public by not instituting a “transparent and rigorous drug testing program.”

Fahey added that “the integrity of the game will eventually be called into question.” With all due respect, where has he been for the last five years?

At this point, isn’t questioning the integrity of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig like questioning Tiger Woods’ ability to be a role model?

Protesters in Washington urged Bud Selig to move the All-Star game from Arizona in 2011 due to the immigration bill, but Selig said he doesn’t want to get involved in a “political issue.” “Political issue?” – Heck, as the steroids saga and the As attempted move to San Jose have shown, Bud doesn’t want to get involved with ANY issue

Glen Coffee, 23, abruptly retired from the 49ers saying he no longer wanted to play football, and there are rumors he wants to go into the ministry. I don’t know, what better way to get people praying on Sunday than to play for a team with Alex Smith at quarterback?

Or for 49ers fans, a different version.

If Coffee really wants people to pray on Sunday he should wait and see if he can hook up with whatever team finally gets desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell.

Debi Thomas, the 1986 World Champion and 1988 Olympic bronze medalist is now a surgeon but has plans to skate again professionally. She and other former stars are coming out of retirement for a December show “A Salute to the Golden Age of American Skating Dec. 11.” The show’s working subtitle? “You punks get off our ice.”.

So after getting himself arrested for an altercation with his father-in-law, K-Rod will now need season-ending surgery for an torn finger ligament he apparently sustained during that fight. Good thing the Mets don’t have any important games left to close.

Prop 8 backers in California filed papers today arguing that “gay marriages would harm the state’s interest in promoting responsible procreation through heterosexual marriage.” I guess these people never heard of “Octomom?”

“Eat, Pray, Love” took in over $23 million this weekend at the box office. With an announced audience that included 28 percent men. Shouldn’t that be 28 men, period?

Losses and other Imperfections

June 7, 2010

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

This Bud’s for you…

May 5, 2009

From Nick Coombs:

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was selected to give the commencement address at the University of Wisconsin. In honor of his contribution the the national pastime the University said they will present Selig with an honorary diploma with an asterisk.

In related news, Commission Selig praised the law mandating a 21 year old drinking age, and commended the University for being alcohol free for underclassmen.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be time to study the legalization of marijuana.   Actually, recent polls of Californians show most people support such legalization.   I guess they feel that it’s high time.

Many California schools were supposed to be closed for a  week because of swine flu, but due to new government regulations they will reopen as early as Wednesday. Bummer for all those families who planned to take the week off for a cheap Mexican vacation.

And following up on yesterday, more celebrity flu strains.  Political edition.

Joe Biden flu.  Seems innocuous, but…it…never..ends.

John Edwards flu:  Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging than we thought.

Norm Coleman flu:  You may think you have it beat, but it can hang around for months.

No turning blind eyes here…

February 20, 2009

Commissioner Bud Selig said earlier this week that he didn’t want to hear anyone say he turned a “blind eye” to baseball’s steroid problem. So I guess we’ve got the “hear no evil” part down too…

Further regarding the steroid issue, Selig said he doesn’t understand how people can ask him “how did you not know?” And then he added that he also doesn’t understand how so many people can think that nice young man Michael Phelps has tried marijuana.

Bill Clinton said in an interview that Obama should be more “hopeful” and “optimistic” And the former president pointed out how his own optimism had paid off: As bad as it looked last summer, Hillary now has a job she is happy with, and she’s usually out of the country.

Barack Obama got great press coverage from his first foreign trip as president, to Canada. But the Republicans had Sarah Palin watching from her house.

John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, spoke out today about the Republican party’s need to get modernize their use of techology. And in that spirit her father went out and replaced his typewriter with an electric model.

American Idol started the voting part of their show this week, reducing twelve contestants down to three. No, wait, that was the Obama team vetting potential cabinet members on taxes.

This is basically a rewrite of a joke idea from Nick Coombs:

The Washington Nationals paid a $1.4 million signing bonus to Dominican prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006.

Now it turns out Gonzalez is four years older than he claimed, AND uses a assumed name. Guess we finally learned the answer to the question “Whatever happened to Danny Almonte?

And major league baseball’s spring training is finally in full gear for 2009. You know what that means… only a few more weeks until stores in Chicago can start selling “Wait until 2010” Cubs t-shirts.