Posted tagged ‘Fox News jokes’

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Troubled water?

August 12, 2015

In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready

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This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.

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So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?

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Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.

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Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.

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Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. ‪#‎justsayin‬

 

Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply ‪#‎MyLifeMatters‬.

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The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?

 

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An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.

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An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.

Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused  tickets because of the product on the field.

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Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.

 

Seriously hoping for the best for ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.

 

Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”

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Mistakes were made.

December 30, 2014

Oops, the Detroit Free Press printed a Jim Harbaugh to UM story on their cover. Except they used a picture of JOHN Harbaugh. Well, okay, they used a photo of the wrong brother. Many Americans think in 2000 we elected the wrong brother as our President.

 

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Two men were arrested today after a nearly 3 hour police chase that started when they stole San Francisco Chronicle newspaper delivery truck. Many are wondering, “What’s the value of stealing a newspaper delivery truck?” Still more are wondering “Who knew they still delivered newspapers?

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The NY Jets fired coach Rex Ryan and GM John Idzik. Owner Woody Johnson said he has already reached out to potential candidates. Wonder if he called the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board). They have experience dealing with train wrecks.

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Ndamukong Suh was suspended for the Lions’ playoff game for stepping on Aaron Rodgers’ leg. Suh is appealing, saying it was unintentional, and besides he knows millions of Americans were hoping he would step on Tony Romo.

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Lane Kiffin, now offensive coordinator at Alabama, said he “definitely” plans on returning to the Crimson Tide for a second season. Translation, “unless I get a better offer.”

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Texas A&M played West Virginia, and Oklahoma played Clemson Monday. In two of the bigger “We-expected-a-much-better-season” bowls.

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The 6-10 Atlanta Falcons fired coach Mike Smith. What? After the team came only one game from making the playoffs…..

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Not saying that it wasn’t time for Jim Harbaugh to move on from SF. As three years seems to be about his shelf life. But can we name a top football coach who doesn’t have a least a somewhat arrogant and irritating personality? Or any former top coach for that matter?

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Bus to hell time: Reports indicate that debris from “a red and white plane” which is likely the missing Air Asia jet has been spotted.  Sad news for families, and for CNN, as the network had been hoping the plane would be lost for at least a week.

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Meanwhile, over at Fox News, co-host Anna Kooiman suggested that the metric system could be to blame at Air Asia. “Even when we think about temperature, it’s Fahrenheit or Celsius, it’s kilometers or miles. You know, everything about their training could be similar, but different.” And when an FAA expert a bigger difference was foreign pilots’ greater reliance on autopilot, she responded “It’s not just a difference in the way that we measure things? Is it not as safe in that part of the world?”

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Spectacular. By suing a 22 year old kid with a website, Skiplagged.com, that probably wasn’t going anywhere, United and Orbitz have taken “hidden-city ticketing” from an odd and limited strategy that only some travel agents and frequent fliers knew about, to a trending item on social media.

(Basically the idea is simple. If a nonstop flight is expensive between two cities, book a connecting flight on to a cheaper city and then get off the plane. For example, SF to Houston is expensive, so book a ticket SF via Houston to Orlando. But you can’t check bags, and if you put in your mileage number they track the no-show so you can’t get miles, and it only works one-way at a time.  For starters. Still, thanks to the lawsuit and publicity, millions of people have now been turned onto the concept.

 

C.C. Sabathia apparently came unglued at Newark Airport this past weekend when he and 11 friends, all booked in first class, showed up 15 minutes before departure for a flight to Jamaica, and United told him he had no chance to make it through security in time. On brighter notes, no arrests were made, and a lot of people who thought they had had no chance for a upgrade suddenly got lucky.

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We’re number 5, or 4? Or whatever.

September 26, 2014

The SF Giants clinched a playoff spot due to another Brewers meltdown.  So did they have Champagne mixed with Gatorade in tonight’s game cooler?

(Sure looked like it when the bullpen imploded in the 6th and 7th)

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Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Tim ‪#‎Lincecum‬ against the Padres. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

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Anyone easily offended, skip to the next item.  Anyone tired of vanilla clubhouse speeches, cover your children’s ears and listen to the Reverend Hunter Pence.  http://deadspin.com/we-now-go-live-to-hunter-pences-dirty-dirty-mouth-1639410347?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

 

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Stay classy. Fox News’s panelist Eric Bolling asked yesterday if a female fighter pilot may be called ‘boobs on the ground. Well, a Fox News panel can certainly be called “boobs on the air.”

 

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Anyone who has the attitude that Washington, D.C. is good for nothing, clearly isn’t a fan of an NFL team needing to get healthy.

 

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Have to wonder with all this controversy over the Redskins name, would it be any different if Dan Snyder were less of an a**hole and the team were less of a train wreck?

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Washington looked so overpowered tonight that out of habit House Republicans called for a Congessional Investigation against Obama. ‪#‎Redskins‬ ‪#‎Giants‬

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So much for that ‘special relationship” between the U.S. and England. The Dolphins and Raiders are playing in London this Sunday. We couldn’t have sent over better teams, like say, Oregon and Florida State?

(My friend Jeff K. says  ” It’s a showcase game. Trying to see if England can take one of those teams off our hands and send them down to some international league.“)

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A 6.2 earthquake hit near Anchorage, Alaska this morning. So will Sarah Palin blame this on the “lame-stream” media or Obama?

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Alex Kaseberg says the earthquake was so strong it shook Sarah into a bookstore.

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Mitt and Ann Romney are dropping hints that Mitt might run again in 2016. Perfect. Because Romney is like that ex who looks good from a nostalgic distance, until you start spending time with him/her again and get reminded why you dropped them.

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Attorney General Eric Holder has resigned and says he will step down as soon as a successor can be confirmed by the Senate. This Senate?! Means Holder will probably be around through the end of President Obama’s term.

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-The Orioles had clinched. So did Evan Meek groove a pitch to ‪#‎DerekJeter‬ ? ‪#‎Yankees‬

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#‎ESPN‬ & ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ seem hell bent on making Congress look credible by comparison.

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At the University of Texas, new coach Charlie Strong has drug testing of football players on pace to double. This was reported by the Austin American-Statesman and presumably every SEC football recruiter.

 

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Hold that plunger?

August 6, 2014

The Oakland A’s have apparently approached an architect about building a new stadium on their current Coliseum site. Which would presumably mean the team would need an alternate location for a year or two. Considering how well their relations with the SF Giants have been going have the A’s thought about asking for a hold on that demolition of Candlestick?

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Dan Snyder sensitivity award for the day goes to former Washington kicker Mark Moseley. Who says of the team name – “No red men have said anything derogatory to me about it.”

(my dad suggests changing the name to the “Washington Americans.”   As a way to offend everyone.)

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Jack Nicklaus on Rory McIlroy: “I think Rory has an opportunity to win 15 or 20 majors… But you just don’t know what the guy’s priorities are going to be in life 10 years from now.” Possible translation, “can he keep it zipped?”

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The director of “Frozen” will adapt “A Wrinkle in Time” for Disney. Mostly a cool thing. A whole new generation will learn about a “Tesseract.” And would like to see what Disney does with the Mrs. Ws, the Happy Medium, and Aunt Beast. But they’d better not turn Meg into a princess!

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No injuries were reported when a United flight from Newark to Brussels made an emergency landing after a small fire in the galley. Shocking. A U.S. airline still actually cooks something in their galley?

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The odds are out for NFL Week 1 Preseason games. And if you really care, you just might have a gambling problem.

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The #SJSharks and #LAKings will match up at Levi’s Stadium Feb 21 for the first outdoor NHL game in Northern California. But wouldn’t a more appropriate venue have been Candlestick Park?.

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While on a panel with Roger Goodell, John Madden said that he did not think 6, 7 and 8 year olds should be playing tackle football. But Goodell responded that HE had started playing tackle football when he was 7. Might explain a lot

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#TigerWoods has announced he will play in the #PGAChampionship . Well for Thursday and Friday anyway.

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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen, who says she was “pretty drunk”, threw out a pretty decent first pitch at last night’s Dodgers game. Maybe they should start stockpiling beer in the Rockies bullpen.

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NBC Senior White House Correspondent Chris Jansing today, talking about Obama at the U.S.-Africa Leaders Summit. “Yeah, the fact that he’s from Kenya, and the fact that when he was elected there were expectations on the African continent that he would do great things for them.” Is Jansing angling for a job with FOX News?
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2 RBIs for Michael Morse in first is 25% of his RBI total for the past two months #SFGiants.
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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon has claimed that he has passed at least 70 drug tests. “Problem is, he’s taken more than 1,000.”

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Not such high times?

August 5, 2014

San Mateo County authorities said they intercepted two large vans carrying 180 bales of marijuana, 5.148 pounds, (worth $23 million). that had just been offloaded from a boat that had sailed from Mexico.   Hmm.. Is there any way California can make a deal with Colorado here? Maybe trade the haul for water?

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Chrissie Hynde says that when John McEnroe was at Wimbledon he’d call her because she had pot and they would hang out and smoke.  So Chrissie may be a great musician, but sounds like she’s a lousy judge of good marijuana.

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USA Today reports that MLB is down to three finalists to succeed Bud Selig as commissioner. Which means Bud will probably die of old age while in office.

 

A security firm named “Hold Security” says Russian criminals have stolen a total of 1.2 billion Internet user names and passwords. Of course, probably 1.1 billion of those passwords are 123456789.

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Last night Albert Pujols tagged up from first and went to second after Yasiel Puig nonchalantly caught a ball. Words were exchanged. The less than fleet-footed Pujols then mocked Puig afterward with gestures and facial expressions. But how long in LA until they start referring to “Puig being Puigy?”

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Really? This Fox News headline “Ebola outbreak fuels concerns over health risks along US-Mexico border.” Later in the article Fox does allow that “No case of an illegal immigrant carrying Ebola has been reported. But a Homeland Security report did say that “in two cases, the children of a border agent got chicken pox after their exposure to a child who had the illness.”

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A U.S. general was killed and 15 others injured when a shooter wearing an Afghan military uniform opened fire at a training facility in Afghanistan. Alas, once again even for experts, it can be hard to tell the difference between a good guy and a bad guy with a gun.

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Everyone’s favorite owner Dan Snyder talked about how those criticizing the Redskins name should focus instead on the difficulties many Native Americans face on reservations. And added that he learned during recent visits to Native American tribes that “they love” the team. Amongst things Snyder clearly has never learned – quit while you’re ahead.

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A 62 year old woman who has been arrested repeatedly at San Francisco International Airport trying to sneak onto flights, today made it onto a flight from San Jose to Los Angeles. This may not be what San Jose officials have had in mind when they tout their airport as a faster alternative.

The woman is now in jail in Los Angeles. Presume they will have to bring her back to the Bay Area to stand trial…. by plane?!

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So why didn’t we see this on Fox News? The GOP-led House Intelligence Committee just declassified a report on Benghazi. Rep. Mike Thompson says the report “confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given.”

Time to start trying to repeal Obamacare again?’

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In New York, 11 people were injured when two double-decker tour buses collided today near Times Square. Good thing the bus companies aren’t run by the airlines. They’d charge the tourists extra for a thrill ride.

 

 

She’s baaaack. V. Stiviano now is hinting on Instagram that she will soon reveal the father of her 4 year old daughter. And somewhere Andy Warhol is thinking “She’s already had 14 minutes too many.”

 

Driving the bus to hell badly is T.C. (Whose last name is Chong so he can get away with this.)   “One of the signs at Citi Field said ‘Hunter Pence cannot parallel park.’     ?????. Didn’t know he was Oriental.”

 

 

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A good bet?

August 22, 2011

Joe Biden was in China trying to bolster confidence in the U.S. economy, saying on Friday – “No one has ever made money betting against America.” Well, clearly the V.P. hasn’t watched a lot of major golf or men’s tennis tournaments lately.

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Regarding God and Tim Tebow. Maybe it’s just that He loves Tim so much He doesn’t want to have him on the field getting tackled all the time.

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Sarah Palin claims now on her Facebook page that she went to the National World War I Museum in Kansas City last week, although no one at the museum apparently saw her inside.

Palin did post a picture with her daughter and niece, which a reporter said was from inside the Westin in Kansas City.

So maybe what she meant was “I could see the museum from my room.”

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You have to wonder, did Michele Bachmann consider ordering her speechwriters to get to work on something blaming President Obama for overthrowing Moammar Gadhafi.

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Good to see the rebels doing well in Libya. Let’s just hope that the difference between rebels and dictators doesn’t turn out again simply to be who’s in charge.

Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. Straight men were as likely to watch the television coverages as Rick Perry is to watch the Science channel.

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Meanwhile, on a cooler wedding note, country singer Chely Wright was also married last weekend, to her girlfriend Lauren Blitzer. (Wright only came out last year.)

To do this as a country singer and a Christian takes serious guts. Good for Chely.

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The Help,” was #1 at the box office this weekend. Wonder how many women told their husbands, “it’s okay honey, we don’t have to go, we can stay home and watch coverage of the Kardashian wedding.”

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A Brett Favre lookalike, wearing a #4 jersey, was apparently signing autographs in Green Bay last week. Though Favre’s “travel coordinator” said Brett was not in Green Bay. Many fans, however, were able to figure the deception out quickly – when the imposter made an instant decision about signing.

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Foxnews.com is critical of Obama’s taking what their writer Chris Stirewalt calls “a fantasy preppy getaway in New England, as the nation’s economy reels.” Gosh, must have missed Fox’s outraged response when W. took those fantasy cowboy getaways to his ranch.

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Mitt Romney currently has three homes, a townhouse outside of Boston, a $10 million vacation home in N.H, and a $12 million 3000 sq.ft beachfront place in San Diego. Now he wants to bulldoze the California place to build an 11,000 sq ft home, because the current place is “inadequate for their needs.” Can’t imagine how Mitt gets a reputation for being out of touch.

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And finally, okay SF Giants fans, admittedly Brandon Crawford can’t hit. But the difference between a .190 average and a .240 average is five hits out of 100 at-bats. Maybe a hit a week. Crawford’s glove takes away almost a hit a game compared to what Tejada-Cabrera let get through. So why isn’t he on the big league roster?

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Detroit, we have a problem.

February 18, 2011

The Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera, who said last year he did not have an “alcohol problem,” was arrested in Florida for DUI. According to the Sheriff’s dept, Cabrera “smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and TOOK A SWIG FROM A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IN FRONT OF A DEPUTY.” (Caps mine.)” Well, I don’t know about an alcohol problem, but he sure has a stupidity problem.

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Cheryl Burke from “Dancing with the Stars’ has now confirmed rumors that she had a fling with her one-time partner Chad Ochocinco. Well, at least she had enough sense not to sign a long term contract with him.th him. 

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Michael Vick cancelled his appearance on “Oprah,” but also apparently has been receiving some inquiries about a possible appearance on “the View.” Great, so he may be going from dogfighting to catfighting.

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It’s after midnight, one week before the trade deadline. Do you know where Carmelo Anthony is?

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Former Partridge Family star David Cassidy pleaded no contest to DUI after being arrested with a .14 blood alcohol level and a half bottle of bourbon in the car. Sounds like he may have taken that “Come on get happy” a little too literally.

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Speaker of the House John Boehner reaffirmed his promise on budget cuts today, punctuating it with “Read my lips.” Yeah, that phrase worked out so well for the GOP before.

What’s next, will he declare of the Republican plans –  “mission accomplished?”

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Many passengers out of San Francisco today are complaining about flights delayed an hour or two by rain. And travelers living on the East Coast, in the Midwest and Texas are thinking, oh just SHUT UP.

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The Energy Department’s inspector general reported that California’s Lawrence Livermore National Lab failed to keep track of samples of dangerous drugs, including cocaine, amphetamines, opium and black tar heroin. And that some drugs were missing. Sounds like it could have been a heck of a Christmas party.

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Fox News was caught faking coverage at the CPAC straw poll. When Ron Paul beat Mitt Romney the network used footage from last year of people booing. Fox News isn’t always honest? Next thing we’ll hear is that Charlie Sheen has a substance abuse problem.

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So some think Florida governor and Tea Party favorite Rick Scott’s decision to turn down federal funds for High Speed Rail may help opponents derail HSR in California.  Okay, just how low have we fallen in the Golden State that we now aspire to be Florida?

From Bill Littlejohn: “In Egypt, they’ve found the stolen statue of King Tut’s father—it should be back in place at the entrance to Penn State’s Beaver football Stadium by next season”

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And by the time anyone reads this things may have changed, but as of the time of writing, my “don’t forget the lyrics” joke from last night is number three on Giglish.com  – behind Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon jokes. I’ll take it.

http://www.giglish.com/

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