Posted tagged ‘Washington jokes’

Geography and other challenges.

November 23, 2015

Ben Carson now says of his comment that New Jersey Arabs were celebrating 9-11, that he “was thinking of the Middle East, not New Jersey.”
Well, yeah, anyone could make that mistake. ‪#‎notreadyforprimetime‬

New worldwide travel alert from the U.S State Dept. “U.S. citizens should exercise vigilance when in public places or using transportation. Be aware of immediate surroundings and avoid large crowds or crowed (sic) places.”
What about ravened places? ‪#‎Nevermore‬

To be fair, I suppose it does make sense to issue a warning when we know there are dangerous and crazy people seeking power in a country. So who will be the first to issue an alert for the U.S. based on the GOP debates?

The Nationals have caused a Twitter uproar by tweeting “Happy Birthday” to Jonathan Papelbon. Who right about now might be the only person in Washington, D.C. less popular than Congress.

LSU may fire Les Miles after three consecutive losses have the Tigers 7-3, even though it will mean a multi-million dollar boyout. (Miles currently makes $4.4 million a year.) But it’s okay, I am sure they can make up the money with cutbacks in academics. ‪#‎priorities‬

 

Maybe Trent Baalke and Jed York might be interested in hiring Les Miles as a future 49ers coach. After dealing with SEC alums Miles is used to dealing with unrealistic expectations, and after dealing with LSU players, he’s familiar with semi-pro talent.

Reportedly Robinson Cano wants to be traded because he is unhappy in Seattle after signing a $240 million contract in 2014, “I feel so sorry for him” said NOBODY.

A USF professor says that those odd FB requests from random people all over the world might be potential internet hackers or identity thieves. Bummer, there goes my chance to be invited to a Nigerian royal wedding.

Oops.American Airlines accidentally let a planeload of people arriving from Cancun exit JFK Airport without having their passports checked and going through customs. Providing again that sometimes terrorists are no match for good old-fashioned stupidity.

Washington DE Jason Hatcher thinks calls might be going against his team because of their “Redskins” nickname. Really? But, I can understand why Hatcher’s upset – had a few calls gone the other way Sunday Washington might have only lost by 2-3 touchdowns.

Now that the Packers solidly beat the Minnesota Vikings, maybe Green Bay fans will stop blaming Olivia Munn. Now they can just be mad at Aaron Rodgers for having all that talent, money AND an actress girlfriend.

 

Mike Tiroco after ‪#‎MNF‬ about the Patriots “that’s why they’re World Champions.” Uh, “World Champions”? Unlike the NBA, NHL and MLB, the NFL doesn’t even have a team in Canada.

Winners, eh?

September 30, 2015

Congrats to the Toronto ‪Blue Jays for winning AL East. Stand by for ‪#‎Trump‬ to complain about immigrants taking more from Americans.

Hurricane Joaquin could strengthen and hit the U.S. East Coast this weekend. If so, who will be the first GOP governor who rails against the federal government to ask Obama for aid.

The story out of Washington is the Nationals are absolutely done with Jonathan Papelbon after this season. Too soon to start a pool what what team is crazy enough to take him?
New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred wants to speed up games even more, with rule changes like limiting pitching changes and trips to the mound, or requiring each pitcher to face multiple batters. Well, he could leave the game alone and just cut out a minute of commercials between innings.
But okay, limiting trips to the mound.  Should we start letting pitchers communicate with coaches and teammates by text?
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Think if MLB‬ knew there might be 2 NY‬ teams & 2 LA‬ teams in playoffs maybe games would be on network TV?   ‪#‎dodgers‬ ‪#‎mets‬ ‪#‎angels‬ ‪#‎yankees

Again, who says I never post anything nice about the Dodgers? This was a classy quote from Adrian Gonzalez “I want first off to tip my cap to the Giants,” he said. “They had a ton of injuries. I know they won’t make that excuse for themselves, but they battled, they played hard all year and they’re a great team.”

And Clayton Kershaw had a great game last night.

Okay, being nice is over. Go Mets.

#‎Dodgers‬ now have won the West 3 times in the last 5 years to the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ 2 titles. ‪#‎Giants‬ fans can deal with it. ‪#‎Wegotrings‬

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The Angels, fighting for a playoff spot, gave a “tip of the hat” in their media game notes to Barry Zito, for making what would probably be his last major league start tonight. They were really hoping to give Zito an ovation if he lasts as long as he did in his penultimate start against the Giants- – 2 innings.

Jud McMillin, a “family values” Indiana lawmaker resigned over explicit sex videos that were reportedly found on his phone. McMillin is a married father-of-four, who now says he “wants to spend more time with his family.” Thinking at this point there’s a good chance that his family may not want to spend more time with him.

More from McMillin. He had sent a text message last week. “My phone was stolen in Canada and out of my control for about 24 hours. I have just been able to reactivate it under my control. Please disregard any messages you received recently. I am truly sorry for anything offensive you may have received.”

I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

The NY Times Square Task Force has decided to let topless painted women stay, but also to more than double the police force in the area from 46 to 107. So a win-win, more tourist dollars AND job creation?

Jeb Bush just said that he didn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Well, if anyone is likely to be clueless on how many Americans might find a name offensive, it’s a Bush.

Who says there’s no such thing as an honest politician. Potential House Speaker Kevin McCarthy: “Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee. A select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she’s untrustable. But no one would have known that any of that had happened had we not fought to make that happen.”
Isn’t it nice to know we’ve spent years and $4.5 million of taxpayer money for the House to do their job of being GOP political consultants?

We’re number 5, or 4? Or whatever.

September 26, 2014

The SF Giants clinched a playoff spot due to another Brewers meltdown.  So did they have Champagne mixed with Gatorade in tonight’s game cooler?

(Sure looked like it when the bullpen imploded in the 6th and 7th)

 

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and Tim ‪#‎Lincecum‬ against the Padres. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

Anyone easily offended, skip to the next item.  Anyone tired of vanilla clubhouse speeches, cover your children’s ears and listen to the Reverend Hunter Pence.  http://deadspin.com/we-now-go-live-to-hunter-pences-dirty-dirty-mouth-1639410347?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

 

Stay classy. Fox News’s panelist Eric Bolling asked yesterday if a female fighter pilot may be called ‘boobs on the ground. Well, a Fox News panel can certainly be called “boobs on the air.”

 

Anyone who has the attitude that Washington, D.C. is good for nothing, clearly isn’t a fan of an NFL team needing to get healthy.

 

Have to wonder with all this controversy over the Redskins name, would it be any different if Dan Snyder were less of an a**hole and the team were less of a train wreck?

Washington looked so overpowered tonight that out of habit House Republicans called for a Congessional Investigation against Obama. ‪#‎Redskins‬ ‪#‎Giants‬

So much for that ‘special relationship” between the U.S. and England. The Dolphins and Raiders are playing in London this Sunday. We couldn’t have sent over better teams, like say, Oregon and Florida State?

(My friend Jeff K. says  ” It’s a showcase game. Trying to see if England can take one of those teams off our hands and send them down to some international league.“)

A 6.2 earthquake hit near Anchorage, Alaska this morning. So will Sarah Palin blame this on the “lame-stream” media or Obama?

Alex Kaseberg says the earthquake was so strong it shook Sarah into a bookstore.

Mitt and Ann Romney are dropping hints that Mitt might run again in 2016. Perfect. Because Romney is like that ex who looks good from a nostalgic distance, until you start spending time with him/her again and get reminded why you dropped them.

Attorney General Eric Holder has resigned and says he will step down as soon as a successor can be confirmed by the Senate. This Senate?! Means Holder will probably be around through the end of President Obama’s term.

 

-The Orioles had clinched. So did Evan Meek groove a pitch to ‪#‎DerekJeter‬ ? ‪#‎Yankees‬

#‎ESPN‬ & ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ seem hell bent on making Congress look credible by comparison.

At the University of Texas, new coach Charlie Strong has drug testing of football players on pace to double. This was reported by the Austin American-Statesman and presumably every SEC football recruiter.

 

Taxing day – and rough times in Washington

April 14, 2009

Actually, this year almost all Americans will find they are paying less taxes… Unfortunately it’s because almost all Americans have less income.

The Washington Capitals, with one of the best records in the NHL, start the playoffs this week.  And considering that the Stanley Cup Finals don’t finish unti June, the Capitals may be playing meaningful games longer than the Nationals.

The Washington Nationals as of Tuesday night are the last winless team in Major League Baseball, while the Washington Wizards are finishing up one of the worst NBA seasons ever.   Which is scary, because for non-hockey fans, the most competent operation in town to watch just MIGHT be Congress.

The Boston Red Sox, with one of the highest payrolls in baseball, have started out the year 2-6.   With that kind of return on investment they may not make the playoffs, but if they keep it up they could be eligible for a federal bailout.

Defense Secretary Gates called the Somali pirates “untrained teenagers with heavy weapons.”  Either that or he was describing the populations of many of US inner cities.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be interested in joining a reality show.  I believe the title is “Dancing with the Truth.”

The Vatican vetoed the appointment of Caroline Kennedy as U.S. Ambassador.  This despite the fact that she is one of the most beloved American Catholics, has a record of public service, and is a married mother of three.  Apparently the Vatican doesn’t, however, like her support for women’s reproductive rights.

Well, if it’s all about procreation, maybe Obama should just nominate Nayda Suleman?

And in California, a bill has been introduced to make marijuana legal, though it faces heavy opposition.  This despite a state budget crisis, the fact that marijuana just might be the largest agricultural crop in the state, and that  it has been smoked by the last three Presidents.  (And the children of at least the two before that.)