Posted tagged ‘Blagojevich jokes’

Bowl weak?

December 8, 2011

ESPN is running advertisements for “Capitol One Bowl Week: December 17 – January 2. Wonder which SEC graduate came up with that one?

And they wonder why football players are bad at math.

From my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “I’d love to hear the voice message Alec Baldwin left on American Airlines’ answering machine.”

Nice to see Newt Gingrich surging to the front of the GOP pack. Since Newt already helped one Democratic President get re-elected.

Arizona State apparently had an agreement with June Jones to take over as their head football coach, but for some unknown reason pulled the offer. That was a quick relationship. Who is negotiating for ASU, one of the Kardashians?

Jerry Sandusky has been arrested again on new molestation charges. And because he was unable to post bail the former Penn State coach was taken to jail. “What a shame,” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced today to 14 years in prison. The disgraced former Governor quoted Kipling, that this was a time “to be strong and fight through adversity.” Too bad Blago forgot this other Kipling quote: “You haf too much Ego in your Cosmos”

Rod Blagojevich is the fourth Illinois governor in the last four decades, and the second in a row, to end up in prison. Scoffed Louisiana politicians – “Amateurs.”

So will they start swearing in governors in Illinois by saying “Will the defendant please rise?”

Not sure Rod Blagojevich gets it. The judge threw the book at him. And the former Illinois governor caught the book and tried to sell it on Ebay.

Now that Bobby Valentine is managing the Red Sox, Terry Francona has taken his place as an ESPN baseball analyst. Wonder how long it will take Francona to start complaining about the slow pace of Boston pitchers.

Orlando Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide is trying to clear up rumors that he may have “drunk dialed” Dwight Howard, saying he only had “two to three glasses of wine over a three-hour period after a social event and that he wanted to return text and phone messages Howard had left for him.” Hmm, wonder if the phrase “I love you, man” was involved.

ESPN is actually doing a “Game Day” type setup with regular broadcasts directly from the baseball winter meetings. Well, it’s still more compelling than what would have been NBA regular season games.

The Marlins have dropped out. But the Cardinals, Cubs and other other unnamed team apparently keep upping their offers to Albert Pujols; the slugger will get well over $200 million for 10 years. Pujols is taking his time deciding. But once he signs, it won’t take long for Albert to pronounce – “It’s not about the money.”

Oops. A cannonball fired as part of an episode of the “Mythbusters” television show missed its mark and hit a Dublin home and a car Tuesday. As my friend Laura said, you have to wonder what myth they were busting. (The myth of their competence?)

Retirements and other endings..

June 20, 2009

Joseph Houghtaling,  the inventor of the “Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed,” has died.  His funeral service will have a nominal 25 cents admission charge but promises to be a relaxing 15 minute experience.

Woods had two double bogeys and a bogey in the last four holes of his U.S. Open first round. So will the headlines read “Bethpage puts Tiger in the tank?”

Tom Glavine told the Associated Press in a text message that he plans to “hang out” for the rest of the summer but is not announcing his retirement. Wonder if  he’ll be “hanging out” with Brett Favre?

Apparently the husband of John Ensign’s former mistress has made “exorbitant demands for cash and other financial benefits” to the Nevada Senator. Even Rod Blagojevich says this story is getting tacky.

My Space laid off 30 percent of their workforce.   The main reason the company gave for firing those employees ?  They were spending too much time at work on Facebook and Twitter.

In two weeks,  Manny Ramirez’s drug suspension will be over.  He assures the Dodgers he will return as a good teammate with a great attitude, especially as he no longer suffers from PMS.


From Bill Littlejohn:

Iran spiritual leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei says the elections there ‘weren’t rigged.  He also says Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire belong in the Hall of Fame”

Taxing day – and rough times in Washington

April 14, 2009

Actually, this year almost all Americans will find they are paying less taxes… Unfortunately it’s because almost all Americans have less income.

The Washington Capitals, with one of the best records in the NHL, start the playoffs this week.  And considering that the Stanley Cup Finals don’t finish unti June, the Capitals may be playing meaningful games longer than the Nationals.

The Washington Nationals as of Tuesday night are the last winless team in Major League Baseball, while the Washington Wizards are finishing up one of the worst NBA seasons ever.   Which is scary, because for non-hockey fans, the most competent operation in town to watch just MIGHT be Congress.

The Boston Red Sox, with one of the highest payrolls in baseball, have started out the year 2-6.   With that kind of return on investment they may not make the playoffs, but if they keep it up they could be eligible for a federal bailout.

Defense Secretary Gates called the Somali pirates “untrained teenagers with heavy weapons.”  Either that or he was describing the populations of many of US inner cities.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be interested in joining a reality show.  I believe the title is “Dancing with the Truth.”

The Vatican vetoed the appointment of Caroline Kennedy as U.S. Ambassador.  This despite the fact that she is one of the most beloved American Catholics, has a record of public service, and is a married mother of three.  Apparently the Vatican doesn’t, however, like her support for women’s reproductive rights.

Well, if it’s all about procreation, maybe Obama should just nominate Nayda Suleman?

And in California, a bill has been introduced to make marijuana legal, though it faces heavy opposition.  This despite a state budget crisis, the fact that marijuana just might be the largest agricultural crop in the state, and that  it has been smoked by the last three Presidents.  (And the children of at least the two before that.)

It’s not too late for goodbyes…

March 5, 2009

Regarding the soon to be ex-senator Roland Burris, preceded by ex-governor Rod Blagojevich, and other indicted former governors Daniel Walker, George Ryan, Otto Kerner, and William Stratton….

Why DONT they just auction off the Senate seat in Illinois to the highest bidder? Put the proceeds towards ballancing the state budget. You’d have transparency, Illinois could use the money, and it’s not like the voters were doing a good job picking leaders the old fashioned way.

And speaking of goodbyes – the Dallas Cowboys have released Terrell Owens. Should we be surprised? All over America companies are dumping toxic assets.”

Today’s entry in the “You might need a life if” department:

You might need a life if you don’t live in Washington D.C. or Oklahoma City, and you watched tonight’s NBA game between the 14-47 Wizards and the 16-45 Thunder.

So Manny Ramirez finally signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers for the same $45 million 2-year contract he spurned earlier this year.

What the difference between a $45 million contract you spurn and one you sign?? Apparently about 2500 points on the Dow.

Time for some stupid cat jokes. (No comments please on that being redundant.)

The first from Bill Littlejohn:

“A Nebraska man reportedly stuffed his girlfriends’ cat into a bong.A South Carolina sheriff has issued arrest warrants for eight other neighborhood cats”

Police charged him with animal abuse and claim that when they found removed the animal from the bong it was stoned. Apparently they said the cat was just lying around, staring into space, and ignored its name being called….

No word if they actually saw any signs of cat abnormal behavior.

Although one sign might have been the cat gobbling up Krispy Kreme flavored kibble.

The man claimed he had put the cat in the bong before and it had been no problem. Apparently he was using it to help taste-test new tuna-flavored Doritos.