Posted tagged ‘Pujols jokes’

Morning after:

May 7, 2012

May 5 was Cinco de Mayo. May 6 for many Americans was “I’m never drinking tequila again” day.

 

Talk about the worst of times and the best of times: Baltimore DH Chris Davis went 0-8 at the plate today, then came in and pitched a scoreless 17th to get the win for the Orioles over the Boston Red Sox today.

 

Albert Pujols finally got his first home run in the AL. The Angels hope they each don’t end up as expensive as Zito’s wins have been for the Giants.

 

A former asst vice chancellor at UC Berkeley, has been fired after doubling the salary of her male subordinate,  17 years younger than she was, during their 15-month affair.    Well, I guess equality in the workplace does mean the opportunity for women to be as stupid as men.

George Lindsey, who played Goober Pyle on “The Andy Griffith Show,” has died. Okay, wonder who in heaven is getting that talking dog ready.

 

Men’s Health magazine has listed the “Smuttiest Cities in America,” based on the number of adult-entertainment stores and the rate of internet porn searches. And #1 is — Orlando. Well, guess dads have to do something after those long days at Disney World.

 

Apparently the National Christmas Tree located on the White House lawn has died. Waiting for the first Republican to blame Obama. Or at least Bo.

(As my friend Ian says,  just proves what they’ve been saying, ” Obama hates Christmas.”)

 

“Were Ronald Reagan in office today, some Republicans would start looking for a ‘real’ conservative to challenge him in a primary.” Another quote from a liberal, right? Well actually former GOP governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chipper Jones, 40, is mad at Jamie Moyer, 49, for accusing him of stealing signs. I guess this episode is baseball’s version of “Grumpy Old Men.”

Charles Barkley, referring to Mitt Romney “We’re going to beat you like a drum in Nov. Don’t take it personally. You seem like a nice guy, but you’re going down, bro.” Sir Charles may or may not be right, but it’s probably the first time anyone has referred to Mitt Romney as “bro.”

 

Finally, Bill Littlejohn, on Jared Weaver breaking a tradition of not leaving your teammates during a possible no-hit bid by going to the bathroom in the eighth inning: “Thus, this becomes the first no-hitter ever pitched in relief.”

Well hidden

May 2, 2012

Ann Romney says of Mitt that “There’s a wild and crazy man inside of there.” Right, and Hillary Clinton says there’s a monogamous man inside of Bill.

Newt Gingrich said that it’s “clear Romney is the nominee and the focus should be on defeating Obama. We should not focus on defeating ourselves.” Surprised he didn’t add about the latter sentence “For my part, been there, done that.”

Facebook has a new way to share your organ donation status with your friends, and link to state databases where you can sign up online. And if you use the app while driving, it may get you to donor status quicker.

Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

John McCain, when asked if President Obama’s surprise trip to Afghanistan was a political move, responded, “Well I think it’s a good thing, I think it’s always good when the pres. goes to where our young men and women are in harm’s way.” Well, that ought to be enough for some in the GOP to brand McCain as a RINO.

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have said their reality show “Khloe and Lamar” is going on “hiatus” while they take a “little time off for family time, kids, basketball, Olympics, you never know.” Millions of Americans responded, great move. Come back when you have grown grandchildren.

The Dow closed at a four year high today. And over at Romney headquarters someone is going “Quick, someone find out what other pet-type animal Obama ate when he was a child in Indonesia.”

Albert Pujols’ homerless drought continues: I blame Obama.

All these May Day demonstrations come just days before Cinco de Mayo. If the Occupy and Labor folks really wanted to call positive attention to the day they’d hand out free margaritas.

Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

Regarding a top ten list for  next week,  I’m looking for non-original comments this time  – the most unintentionally funny line of the week.  Things like Joe Biden saying Obama has a “big stick”, or  Ann Romney saying her husband is a “wild and crazy guy.”    Just suggest lines in comments along with who said it.

Not quite a top 10 on new names for Metta World Peace.  To quote Gary Radnich, ‘nobody cares.”

But five good ones.

5. Anonymous:  Metta WWF Peace.

4.  Scott Ostler:  World Peace LOL

3. Mr. Irrevelant.

2. From PBen :  “Meh, World Peace.”

1. From Gary Bachman:  NucleArtest

Which witch?

December 14, 2011

Christine O’Donnell announced tonight she is backing Mitt Romney. Well, while Mitt is trying to appease Christians who have a problem with his Mormonism,a the endorsement of a former Senate candidate who “dabbled” in witchcraft should be just what he needs….

Donald Trump just backed out of the Newsmax GOP debate – which had only two candidates remaining. And the Donald made it clear he doesn’t feel there is a conflict of interest between running for President and moderating a debate. Hmm, wonder how he would feel about President Obama moderating the next one?

Doesn’t seem like much hope for the Hornets to hang onto their star Chris Paul. Maybe if they rename the team “The Los Angeles Hornets of New Orleans?”

In an interview with a Christian radio station, Deirdre Pujols defended her husband’s decision to leave St. Louis, saying of course that it wasn’t about money, and closing with “It’s just like God to put us on a team called the Angels.” Even Tim Tebow said, “Isn’t that just a bit much?”

In the San Francisco area, nine Chuck E. Cheese pizza parlors have been fined for violating federal child-labor laws, apparently because they had teenagers operating trash compactors. Not as one might think, for torturing the teenagers by having them listen to that music and screaming little kids for over eight hours at a time.


Of course, if O’Donnell really wanted to help Romney, maybe she could turn some of his opponents into toads. (Yes, I am aware in some cases this might be considered redundant.)

An Italian woman, 94, left $13 million to her 4-year-old cat, Tomasso, who she had adopted as a stray kitten. Well, actually sounds like it must have been a more fulfilling relationship than either of Kim Kardashian’s marriages.

Rick Santorum says he is doesn’t think he qualifies as a celebrity – “I travel by myself….I’m sitting middle seats on United Airways flights or Delta flights…” And this man thinks as President he could find good people to help him run the country? He can’t even find a good travel agent.

I love British newspapers: Today’s Daily Mail (U.K.), headline – pulling no punches on a certain U.S. candidate – “Thrice-married and known adulterer Newt Gingrich signs fidelity pledge to sure up votes in Iowa.”

You cannot make this “stuff” up item for the day. Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer, Joseph Amendola said that anyone who believes his client is a child molester should call “1-800-REALITY.” Uh, fine, except this is the response you get “Hi guys, welcome to the hottest place for triple-x action … gay, bi, and bi-curious studs… Just 99 cents per minute.”

Due to leaked photos, Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy issue is going to be out early. Just like Lindsay with her jail sentences.


From Bill Littlejohn: Lindsay Lohan looks to rival Marilyn Monroe on the cover of Playboy—if Marilyn were alive, they’d both look 86 years old”

A Vietnam vet in N.H. asked the candidate about his position on same-sex marriage. Mitt replied “At the time the Constitution was written it was pretty clear that marriage is between a man and a woman, and I don’t believe the (N.H) Supreme Court has changed that.” Well, actually at the time the Constitution was written, Americans were allowed to own slaves.

Not so great debate?

December 9, 2011

Rick Perry became the latest GOP presidential contender to opt out of Trump’s debate. Had he stayed in, the Donald would have had three confirmed candidates. And three is not a number Perry feels comfortable with.

The only candidates confirmed for the Trump debate are Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Of course, most people think that in the big picture Gingrich is really taking on Mitt Romney. And given Newt’s history of “flexibility” on his positions, maybe Gingrich can use the time to debate himself.

Trump’s debate is scheduled for December 27. At this point it may end up as eagerly anticipated as the Clippers’ season opener.

In honor, or maybe I should say “dishonor” of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, Spirit Airlines is having a “seat selling” sale, of $14 one-way fares from Chicago to seven cities. Of course what they don’t say, if you take advantage of their “seat-selling” you may end up feeling somewhat “confined.”

(Of course, if they really wanted to emulate Blagojevich, maybe Spirit should be trying to sell the same seat to several different people.)

Kris Humphries will be baking cookies Friday morning on “Good Morning, America.” Wonder how long it will take one of the Kardashians to say it’s all about self-promotion?

Newt Gingrich’s sister has backed President Obama for re-election. Nice timing, just after any potential family Thanksgiving dinners.

Jerry Sandusky’s wife just said that her husband is innocent of the all child sex abuse allegations against him and that all his accusers are making up their stories. Proving once again, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

(my friend Jim McCann asks “How long would Jerry pause when asked, “Are you still attracted to your wife?”)

People Magazine is reporting that Michelle Duggar has miscarried her 20th child. Sounds like even God is saying “ENOUGH ALREADY!”


The Duggars are enough to make even Tim Tebow consider an ad for Planned Parenthood.

Something no one thought we would hear on sports talk radio in 2011 – discussions of whether the 49ers should rest Alex Smith to keep him healthy and in good shape for the playoffs.

New Democratic ad: “We’re going to close the unproductive tax loopholes that have allowed some of the truly wealthy to avoid paying their fair share. They sometimes made it possible for millionaires to pay nothing, while a bus driver was paying 10% of his salary – and that’s crazy. Do you think the millionaire ought to pay more in taxes than the bus driver?” Quoting that noted liberal Ronald Reagan.

Albert Pujols had indicated he liked St. Louis, but might want to be closer to his family in the Dominican Republic. Guess the Angels gave him 254 million good reasons to try California.

Now that Pujols has signed for $254 million, wonder how Angels pitcher Jared Weaver feels about having given the team that “hometown discount” of a five year $85 million contract.

Rumors that the Rangers now may go after Prince Fielder in response to the Angels’ signing of Albert Pujols. This could end up being a good off-season for the Cubs after all.

Apparently Barack has remembered where he put his cajones. Republican candidates Bachmann, Gingrich, Santorum and Romney accused him in a forum Wednesday of being engaged in a foreign policy of “appeasement.” The President’s response -“Ask Osama bin Laden.

Bowl weak?

December 8, 2011

ESPN is running advertisements for “Capitol One Bowl Week: December 17 – January 2. Wonder which SEC graduate came up with that one?

And they wonder why football players are bad at math.

From my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “I’d love to hear the voice message Alec Baldwin left on American Airlines’ answering machine.”

Nice to see Newt Gingrich surging to the front of the GOP pack. Since Newt already helped one Democratic President get re-elected.

Arizona State apparently had an agreement with June Jones to take over as their head football coach, but for some unknown reason pulled the offer. That was a quick relationship. Who is negotiating for ASU, one of the Kardashians?

Jerry Sandusky has been arrested again on new molestation charges. And because he was unable to post bail the former Penn State coach was taken to jail. “What a shame,” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Rod Blagojevich was sentenced today to 14 years in prison. The disgraced former Governor quoted Kipling, that this was a time “to be strong and fight through adversity.” Too bad Blago forgot this other Kipling quote: “You haf too much Ego in your Cosmos”

Rod Blagojevich is the fourth Illinois governor in the last four decades, and the second in a row, to end up in prison. Scoffed Louisiana politicians – “Amateurs.”


So will they start swearing in governors in Illinois by saying “Will the defendant please rise?”


Not sure Rod Blagojevich gets it. The judge threw the book at him. And the former Illinois governor caught the book and tried to sell it on Ebay.

Now that Bobby Valentine is managing the Red Sox, Terry Francona has taken his place as an ESPN baseball analyst. Wonder how long it will take Francona to start complaining about the slow pace of Boston pitchers.

Orlando Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide is trying to clear up rumors that he may have “drunk dialed” Dwight Howard, saying he only had “two to three glasses of wine over a three-hour period after a social event and that he wanted to return text and phone messages Howard had left for him.” Hmm, wonder if the phrase “I love you, man” was involved.

ESPN is actually doing a “Game Day” type setup with regular broadcasts directly from the baseball winter meetings. Well, it’s still more compelling than what would have been NBA regular season games.

The Marlins have dropped out. But the Cardinals, Cubs and other other unnamed team apparently keep upping their offers to Albert Pujols; the slugger will get well over $200 million for 10 years. Pujols is taking his time deciding. But once he signs, it won’t take long for Albert to pronounce – “It’s not about the money.”

Oops. A cannonball fired as part of an episode of the “Mythbusters” television show missed its mark and hit a Dublin home and a car Tuesday. As my friend Laura said, you have to wonder what myth they were busting. (The myth of their competence?)